Well, here I am on yet another Saturday alone. My cousin T (the unpregnant one) has invited me to a party that I will probably attend. Mysterious Ex got his truck back this morning but hasn't really made mention of seeing me though he called me three times today. He vaguely mentioned us doing something tomorrow after church (you would swear church were a source of life for him) but I doubt I want to do anything with him. Again, I come last and EVERYTHING else is more important than me. I have for days, actually more than a week just been waiting for this damn wedding to be over so that this bullshit he and I are going through can be over. I really just no longer have the time, energy, patience or want to try and have a relationship with him. It is all just fruitless to me. I dread having to go back into the world of dating, having to meet new people and go on stupid dates but, I guess that is what I am going to have to do in order to find what it is I want, if I happen to find that at all. I don't want to be depressed or bummed out by this, I have been on this feministic hurrah for the last few days so I am trying to stay on that note of positivity.
My doctor has given me a 4 -5 window to try and conceive. Apparently, the fibroids I have are not in the nost ideal location and since removing them may do damage to my uterus and complicate my fertility, he is just going to leave them where they are and watch that they do not grow too big. He wants to me come to him like every three months or so in order to chart their progress so I guess he is quite serious. I mentioned all of this to M.E. and though he seemed very concerned about me when he stole his cousin's car the other day, this news seemed not to affect him as much. He sometimes seems like such a weird person to me. Like he seems as though he so concerned but then when I tell him what the cause of my pain is it's just like "oh". Is he afraid that I want him to impregnate me? Does he think that I will be on some, "let's hurry up and get married" kind of thing? I'm not sure. I know that my patience with him grows thinner than ever and that many times when he and I are speaking, I just want to yell, "shut the fuck up already, just shut up!" I know that I get very agitated with him. I know that very often I am quite curt with him but truthfully, I don't care. I'm tired of caring about his feelings. I'm tired of this entire situation.
The party that I am invited to tonight is being given by this girl who bought a house in my neighborhood. Early last year, I had a Sex and the City party since it was the end of the show and some of the products I was selling through my now defunct business were being featured on the show. One of the people who came to the party was this girl (I really don't know her, she's literally a friend of a friend of my cousin's). Anyhoo, this girl apparently liked my house so much, she bought one righ tin my neighborhood. She asked my cousin to invite me to her party tonight. I don't know if I am entirely in the partying and mingling mood but, I AM tired of being in the house. The party doesn't start until about 10 so I have a few more hours to decide if I want to go or not.
For years, I have met some fucked up guys who have wanted to spend loads of time with me, but now that I've met someone that I actually WANT to spend time with, he never seems to have time or doesn't want to make time for me. I am angry at myself for being a weak woman. I am angry at myself for feeling as though I need to take someone with me to this stupid wedding. I am angry at myself for selling me so short. I am angry at myself for so many reasons. Angry for accepting so little, angry for selling myself short, angry for making myself so available in the past, angry for always willing to give up pieces of myself to make something work, I am angry for being so willing to forgive and accept time and time again. I am supposed to be strong, I am supposed to be independent and free. I am supposed to know what I am worth, I am supposed to be able to make it on my own. I am not supposed to be this: sad, lonely and weak. I hate those parts of myself. I hate that I love someone who is not here and who is such an asshole to me.
6.18.2005
6.17.2005
Uggh! It isn't even my wedding and I'm dreading it.
My cousin is getting married next Saturday. Actually, that isn't true. My cousin is ALREADY married and is having a WEDDING next Saturday. Why is she having a wedding if she's already married you might ask. I'm not really sure, I can't answer that one for you. Any way my cousin is having a wedding which apparently anyone who has ever laid eyes on her or even blinked in her direction is invited to, that is to say, EVERYONE will be there. I am not really looking forward to this wedding. My immediate family, my mom, brother, and one of my sisters (actually, I have another brother but he's more like my half brother since he is from my dad's first short lived marriage but I don't talk to him much and see him even less which is why I always never really mention him as being my brother even though he technically is) is okay. (My other sister is a dillweed but that's an entirely different story). It's my extended family that is a problem. My mom has four sisters who we all call rather unimagintively (spelling?) The Sisters. The Sisters have between them about 30 children, most of who have some serious issues. I mean on paper, my family is cool, most are college and higher graduates, have great/good jobs, wives/husbands/children and houses and are law abiding citizens (note I said MOST, we do have a few alchies, druggies and no goodies among the mix) but in person, these folks are nuts. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE getting together with The Sister's children, excluding the children brought into the world by my mother of course. Actually, that isn't entirely true either. Out of the 30 or so of us, I regularly speak to two, my cousins T and T who I refer to, (Her Holiness, the pregnant one and the more frequently mentioned currently not pregnant one). Then there are about four that are okay but whom I really don't speak to often for no particular reason (maybe because they are a lot older) and the rest are nuts. At this wedding next week, I can almost guarantee any of the following will happen (this guarantee is based on past experience and though will likely happen, is not entirely certain to occur)
#1 Someone will get drunk and curse his/her mother/father/uncle/aunt/sister/brother/significant other/child and or date out. This will happen either in the middle of the reception when everyone is seemingly enjoying themselves or as everyone is getting ready to go home. On rare occassions, it has occurred during BOTH times.
#2 Someone will find out some deep dark family secret, it will spread through the entire family and then someone will cry. Family secrets exposed in the past (I'm not making this up): (note that the exclamation point at the end is added to lend to the element of surprise associated with finding out about said deep dark family secret).
a) ____________ (Insert name) is not your mother!
b) ____________ (Insert name) is not your father!
c) ____________ (Insert name) IS your mother!
d) ____________ (Insert name) IS your father!
e) ____________ (Insert name) your father/mother STOLE that money/was a drug dealer/bootlegger, etc. ! (meaning your family fortune was acquired through less desirable ways then say the family store that you believed said wealth was to have come from)
f) ____________ (Insert name) you're adopted!
g) ____________ (Insert name) you're not your mother's/father's first born _______ is. (Sometimes the actual first born will also be present lending to a spectacular family reunion)
h) ____________ (Insert name) your mother/father/uncle/ mama's friend SPENT that money! (meaning your inheritance has quickly plummeted to zero, guess you won't be retiring in two years after all and say bye bye to that second weekend home!)
Various other secrets beyond my comprehension and realm of thought at this time are likely to come out.
#3 Someone will get beat up. There is a very small and oft forgotten about sect of my family that didn't go to college (or high school for that matter) and didn't learn basic etiquette. This sect will invariably get up, scream, shout, fight, and curse out anyone who looks at them weird, steps on their shoes, dances with "their woman/man" or gives them one less meatball/chicken breast/napkin then anyone else. Often under the influence of alcohol, someone will suffer at their hands.
#4 Something will get stolen. This same sect (see above) often feel that since you (not being of their sect) have something they don't you can as they put it "afford it" meaning you can afford to lose it. Many a camcorder/camera/pocketbook/lipstick/compact have been lost and never recovered around these people. It has never been proven that they were indeed the culprits but let's just say things don't disappear when they aren't around.
#5 Someone will get kicked out. (see #'s 3 and 4) As a result of their behavior, someone usually gets kicked out.
#6 Someone will feel slighted and run off into the night balling his/hers eyes out. This happens more often than not. Example:
Invited Family Member: Aunt Lillie's table has three flowers in their centerpiece and ours only has two
Family Member Who Organized Event: Every other table is like that. It's meant to be asthetically pleasing.
IFM: Why my table gotta be the steckilly (or some other ruining of the word) table?! You always like they family more than mine.
FMWOE: That isn't true, we just wanted it to look nice, it's done for balance more than anything.
IFM: Uh, uh. Y'all always be doing that shit! Like we ain' good enough for y'all. We tired that shit. Y'all uppity.
FMWOE: I'm sorry you feel that way. It was really just a random thing we didn't purposefully put the two flower centerpiece on your table. It's just a decoration.
IFM: My famlee ain't gotta take this shit, we leavin'. (Crying family members proceed to run out of the door, threatening people and vowing never to come to another family event ever sometimes table and chairs are tossed about in the melee but more often, middle fingers are the only things being tossed about)
So, you can see why I'm not looking forward to such an event. That and I'm really not in the mood to hear:
"you got fat",
"you gettin' BIG girl",
"when YOU gon' have a baby?",
"this yo' man?",
"where yo' babies girl?",
"you ain' gettin' no younga baby, what cho (you) waitin' on?"
"babies don' grow on trees you kno'"
"you STILL livin' OVER THERE by YO' SELF?" (mind you "over there" is a three story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a eat in kitchen, dining room, finished basement, two yards and $1,500 a month in rent from tenants, but hey I'm BY MY SELF! the horror!)
"pretty girl like you? where yo' husband?"
"you STILL a TEACHER?" (as in, MY son's a lawyer, or MY daughter's a doctor or why aren't you Super Intendent of NYC public schools yet loser?)
My brother and I have been discussing it for weeks and today, I will prep Mysterious Ex. I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
#1 Someone will get drunk and curse his/her mother/father/uncle/aunt/sister/brother/significant other/child and or date out. This will happen either in the middle of the reception when everyone is seemingly enjoying themselves or as everyone is getting ready to go home. On rare occassions, it has occurred during BOTH times.
#2 Someone will find out some deep dark family secret, it will spread through the entire family and then someone will cry. Family secrets exposed in the past (I'm not making this up): (note that the exclamation point at the end is added to lend to the element of surprise associated with finding out about said deep dark family secret).
a) ____________ (Insert name) is not your mother!
b) ____________ (Insert name) is not your father!
c) ____________ (Insert name) IS your mother!
d) ____________ (Insert name) IS your father!
e) ____________ (Insert name) your father/mother STOLE that money/was a drug dealer/bootlegger, etc. ! (meaning your family fortune was acquired through less desirable ways then say the family store that you believed said wealth was to have come from)
f) ____________ (Insert name) you're adopted!
g) ____________ (Insert name) you're not your mother's/father's first born _______ is. (Sometimes the actual first born will also be present lending to a spectacular family reunion)
h) ____________ (Insert name) your mother/father/uncle/ mama's friend SPENT that money! (meaning your inheritance has quickly plummeted to zero, guess you won't be retiring in two years after all and say bye bye to that second weekend home!)
Various other secrets beyond my comprehension and realm of thought at this time are likely to come out.
#3 Someone will get beat up. There is a very small and oft forgotten about sect of my family that didn't go to college (or high school for that matter) and didn't learn basic etiquette. This sect will invariably get up, scream, shout, fight, and curse out anyone who looks at them weird, steps on their shoes, dances with "their woman/man" or gives them one less meatball/chicken breast/napkin then anyone else. Often under the influence of alcohol, someone will suffer at their hands.
#4 Something will get stolen. This same sect (see above) often feel that since you (not being of their sect) have something they don't you can as they put it "afford it" meaning you can afford to lose it. Many a camcorder/camera/pocketbook/lipstick/compact have been lost and never recovered around these people. It has never been proven that they were indeed the culprits but let's just say things don't disappear when they aren't around.
#5 Someone will get kicked out. (see #'s 3 and 4) As a result of their behavior, someone usually gets kicked out.
#6 Someone will feel slighted and run off into the night balling his/hers eyes out. This happens more often than not. Example:
Invited Family Member: Aunt Lillie's table has three flowers in their centerpiece and ours only has two
Family Member Who Organized Event: Every other table is like that. It's meant to be asthetically pleasing.
IFM: Why my table gotta be the steckilly (or some other ruining of the word) table?! You always like they family more than mine.
FMWOE: That isn't true, we just wanted it to look nice, it's done for balance more than anything.
IFM: Uh, uh. Y'all always be doing that shit! Like we ain' good enough for y'all. We tired that shit. Y'all uppity.
FMWOE: I'm sorry you feel that way. It was really just a random thing we didn't purposefully put the two flower centerpiece on your table. It's just a decoration.
IFM: My famlee ain't gotta take this shit, we leavin'. (Crying family members proceed to run out of the door, threatening people and vowing never to come to another family event ever sometimes table and chairs are tossed about in the melee but more often, middle fingers are the only things being tossed about)
So, you can see why I'm not looking forward to such an event. That and I'm really not in the mood to hear:
"you got fat",
"you gettin' BIG girl",
"when YOU gon' have a baby?",
"this yo' man?",
"where yo' babies girl?",
"you ain' gettin' no younga baby, what cho (you) waitin' on?"
"babies don' grow on trees you kno'"
"you STILL livin' OVER THERE by YO' SELF?" (mind you "over there" is a three story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a eat in kitchen, dining room, finished basement, two yards and $1,500 a month in rent from tenants, but hey I'm BY MY SELF! the horror!)
"pretty girl like you? where yo' husband?"
"you STILL a TEACHER?" (as in, MY son's a lawyer, or MY daughter's a doctor or why aren't you Super Intendent of NYC public schools yet loser?)
My brother and I have been discussing it for weeks and today, I will prep Mysterious Ex. I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
6.16.2005
Why am I so greedy?
Eaten Today:
A bunch of shit
Exercise: Walked about three miles
Bought: Contact fluid, herb plants
Hours on Phone: a little more than one
Resumes: none (not sure if I am going to send out any more
So, after a week of not eating, I decided today to "treat" myself. I bought a bunch of my favorite bad foods and then proceeded to wash them down with a milkshake. What a horrible, horrible, terrible idea. I have been in and out of the bathroom all night. On top of that, I don't think my body likes that kind of food anymore. Instead of feeling like, "wow, that was good!" I feel more along the lines of "what the fuck did I just do to myself?" Needless to say, I think this will be my last pig out session for a long, long time. Not eating or rather eating very little is not as bad as it seems. I do miss my peanut butter everything cookies, and I definitely miss the smell of having something baking in the oven, but I got so sick tonight, I'd rather miss my cookies then have my head and butt in the toilet because of them.
I went to the gyn o today because I've ben having these weird pains in my uterus. my symptoms were very much like endometriosis, spinning me into weird infertility thoughts, it turns out I have fibroids which while not the greatest thing to have, are definitely better than having endometriosis. I told Mysterious Ex I was sad yesterday and not really feeling well and he rushed right over, he basically stole his cousins car so that he could get here. I felt so bad because it has totally been my intention to break up with him because I was so upset but then I think my god, how can I break up with him? How many men would steal a car (even though it belonged to a family member) just to come see if you are doing okay? Plus, I have to go to my cousin's wedding next week so we'll see after that. I'm so flippant at times, that something I don't really like about myself.
The Heavenly One and I had a pretty cool night. We watched movies together, ate a bunch of junk food and then both got sick. Let's just say I'm glad my mom has two bathrooms in her house because there would have been trouble.
Since most of my plants died in the great freeze out/heatwave of '05, I bought some new plants today. It was kind of upsetting because the plants I grew were really cool varieties like zebra, orange, striped, black and purple tomatoes along with some raspberry corn and purple cauliflower and now I'm growing regular run of the mill red tomatoes and white cauliflower. Ah, guess I won't be able to impress the neighbors with my wonderful back yard skills this year. I'm really tired, I've had a long and quite sickly day.
A bunch of shit
Exercise: Walked about three miles
Bought: Contact fluid, herb plants
Hours on Phone: a little more than one
Resumes: none (not sure if I am going to send out any more
So, after a week of not eating, I decided today to "treat" myself. I bought a bunch of my favorite bad foods and then proceeded to wash them down with a milkshake. What a horrible, horrible, terrible idea. I have been in and out of the bathroom all night. On top of that, I don't think my body likes that kind of food anymore. Instead of feeling like, "wow, that was good!" I feel more along the lines of "what the fuck did I just do to myself?" Needless to say, I think this will be my last pig out session for a long, long time. Not eating or rather eating very little is not as bad as it seems. I do miss my peanut butter everything cookies, and I definitely miss the smell of having something baking in the oven, but I got so sick tonight, I'd rather miss my cookies then have my head and butt in the toilet because of them.
I went to the gyn o today because I've ben having these weird pains in my uterus. my symptoms were very much like endometriosis, spinning me into weird infertility thoughts, it turns out I have fibroids which while not the greatest thing to have, are definitely better than having endometriosis. I told Mysterious Ex I was sad yesterday and not really feeling well and he rushed right over, he basically stole his cousins car so that he could get here. I felt so bad because it has totally been my intention to break up with him because I was so upset but then I think my god, how can I break up with him? How many men would steal a car (even though it belonged to a family member) just to come see if you are doing okay? Plus, I have to go to my cousin's wedding next week so we'll see after that. I'm so flippant at times, that something I don't really like about myself.
The Heavenly One and I had a pretty cool night. We watched movies together, ate a bunch of junk food and then both got sick. Let's just say I'm glad my mom has two bathrooms in her house because there would have been trouble.
Since most of my plants died in the great freeze out/heatwave of '05, I bought some new plants today. It was kind of upsetting because the plants I grew were really cool varieties like zebra, orange, striped, black and purple tomatoes along with some raspberry corn and purple cauliflower and now I'm growing regular run of the mill red tomatoes and white cauliflower. Ah, guess I won't be able to impress the neighbors with my wonderful back yard skills this year. I'm really tired, I've had a long and quite sickly day.
6.15.2005
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: 1 cup of rice krispies, 1/2 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of apple cider (I was very hungry and it only came out to 190 caloires)
So, I know I saw my clavacle last week but now it is almost sticking out the way it used to. I've really only lost a few pounds but it has made a bit of a difference wardrobe wise. I had a pimple like a huge, fat, mosquito bite sized pimple in the little pocket behind my knee (whatever that is called) how something like that gets back there anyway, I'm not sure but there it was, shiny and gross and white. needless to say, I popped it and it was really, really gross. The weird thing about it was I didn't feel it or see it until like yesterday right before I performed minor surgery on myself. Ewwww, gross pimple thingy.
I have decided to have a long talk/possibly ending things with Mysterious Ex. I've mad index cards and everything summarizing all of the points I'd like to address so that I don't forget anything. I think I was too emotional to speak directly about it to him the other day so now, I am ready. I think. I hope.
Samson and I need to get out more often. We walk regularly and of course we are always going over to THO's house but this morning we were outside and this older lady across the street calls me across the street. I've known this lady since I was like 6. She tells me, "Child, I thought you moved, I haven't seen you in so long". I told her, "No, I live here, I've been here steadily for the last couple of years." She then says, "then you need to get out here more often, look how BIG you've gotten". My answer, as truly I can only answer an elderly woman who has been friends with my parent's for 30+ years was, "Okay". I can't even bring myself to think mean thoughts about her though I must admit I was more amused than hurt. Actually, I don't think I was hurt at all.
Breakfast: 1 cup of rice krispies, 1/2 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of apple cider (I was very hungry and it only came out to 190 caloires)
So, I know I saw my clavacle last week but now it is almost sticking out the way it used to. I've really only lost a few pounds but it has made a bit of a difference wardrobe wise. I had a pimple like a huge, fat, mosquito bite sized pimple in the little pocket behind my knee (whatever that is called) how something like that gets back there anyway, I'm not sure but there it was, shiny and gross and white. needless to say, I popped it and it was really, really gross. The weird thing about it was I didn't feel it or see it until like yesterday right before I performed minor surgery on myself. Ewwww, gross pimple thingy.
I have decided to have a long talk/possibly ending things with Mysterious Ex. I've mad index cards and everything summarizing all of the points I'd like to address so that I don't forget anything. I think I was too emotional to speak directly about it to him the other day so now, I am ready. I think. I hope.
Samson and I need to get out more often. We walk regularly and of course we are always going over to THO's house but this morning we were outside and this older lady across the street calls me across the street. I've known this lady since I was like 6. She tells me, "Child, I thought you moved, I haven't seen you in so long". I told her, "No, I live here, I've been here steadily for the last couple of years." She then says, "then you need to get out here more often, look how BIG you've gotten". My answer, as truly I can only answer an elderly woman who has been friends with my parent's for 30+ years was, "Okay". I can't even bring myself to think mean thoughts about her though I must admit I was more amused than hurt. Actually, I don't think I was hurt at all.
6.14.2005
Day 6 and 9 Pounds Lighter
How does one lose 3 pounds in a day? I'm not sure, I was trying to figure that out myself. I know that I put on a skirt I wasn't able to wear last year, and I know that the capri pants I had on today didn't fit this well two weeks ago. I was actually very afraid at the three pounds in a day weight loss thing. The Heavenly One thinks maybe I didn't read the scale properly yesterday or that the heat had something to do with the scale not functioning properly. Who knows.
Today's shopping trip was not as bad as I thought it would be. THO bought me a skirt that I LOVE and would definitely not hav ebought myself because frankly, my pockets are not as deep as hers. It is lovely and like any impatient person, I want to go out tonight and wear it. THO and I didn't go out to luch today. We shopped so long that we didn't really have time. My mom asked her car (yes my mother has a car, it bugs me out at times) to pick us up three hours after we started shopping and she didn't have her driver's cell number so, we went back to her house where I laid on the couch, she gossiped with her sisters on the phone, I drank apple cider and Sam and I hung out in her yard. As a side note, my mom's yard is so much nicer than mine, I've always known but today it really struck me. She has patio furniture and I have dirt, she has a nice grill and I have dirt, she has beautiful flagstone and I have dirt. I've used my yard in the past to garden but this year the only thing that hasn't died is my garlic and my green beans.
I thought The Heavenly One my be a bit sad since today is the anniversary of my dad's death and tomorrow is her wedding anniversary but she seemed fine. I thought I might take her to dinner tomorrow or at the very least cook for her but she mentioned that it wasn't something she was interested in doing. My brother may want to do something at the spur of the moment for her so I will give him a call tonight.
I haven't heard the visiting grandchildren since I've been home. I was hoping maybe they went home or possibly off the visit some other relatives, I guess I'll have to wait until around dinner time in order to see.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today even though I really didn't want to. While I was speaking to him, I just kept thinking, "What am I doing?", "Why am I putting myself through this?" I just wasn't in the mood to be bothered with him really. He drives his cousin's or his friend's car to work almost daily, on the days that he himself doesn't drive, someone picks him up. Anyway, on the days that he does drive, he makes no effort to spend time with me. I am not going to ask him to come see me or spend time with me, if that is something that he wants to do then that is something that he is going to have to do. He lives on the Island which as I said is over an hour away from me but, if he has permission to drive whoever's car back and forth to work, why doesn't he get or ask for permission to bring the vehicle near my house? He was a bit upset while we were on the phone because he tells me that I sounded bothered and that I was conversing with him in one word answers. I wanted to say, "Because you get on my fucking nerves and I'm tired of your bullshit", but of course I didn't. He then got very upset over this conversation:
Mysterious Ex: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me:"No"
Mysterious Ex: "Do you want to go out tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me: "No, it depends on how I feel tomorrow I guess"
Mysterious Ex: "You're not going to feel well tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, I might not be alive tomorrow"
Mysterious Ex: "Oh". "So you don't know if you want to go out?"
Me: "No"
Mysterious Ex: (quiet for a very long time and I know he was getting upset) "I'm going to go now"
Me: "Okay"
We hang up.
Now, what the fuck? He thinks that because he suggests we do something after not seeing me for all of this time and running and addressing every other need and every other person in his life that I am supposed to just jump for joy? "Oh yes Mysterious Ex, I am so glad that you took the time out of your busy schedule to find an evening for me. What joy! What an honor! God bless you for bestowing your time on me!" I mean give me a fucking break. Even asshole New Guy spent more time with me. I mean my God. We discussed this in depth, we talked about this before we tried again, I told him this was one of the worst parts of our relationship but like I've said many times before NOTHING HAS CHANGED. As I've said, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the outcome, the outcome is still the same. He tells me, "I don't have a car right now". No shit Sherlock but when you DID have a car guess what?, Same shit. The same shit happened in June of 2004 that is going on right now. I mean, I have been patient, I have been understanding, I have waited like a "good girlfriend" and everything is still the same. Now because you go, "Let's go out", I'm supposed to jump up, throw on my Sunday best, forget my feelings and trot out the door with you? You've got to be kidding me.
Today's shopping trip was not as bad as I thought it would be. THO bought me a skirt that I LOVE and would definitely not hav ebought myself because frankly, my pockets are not as deep as hers. It is lovely and like any impatient person, I want to go out tonight and wear it. THO and I didn't go out to luch today. We shopped so long that we didn't really have time. My mom asked her car (yes my mother has a car, it bugs me out at times) to pick us up three hours after we started shopping and she didn't have her driver's cell number so, we went back to her house where I laid on the couch, she gossiped with her sisters on the phone, I drank apple cider and Sam and I hung out in her yard. As a side note, my mom's yard is so much nicer than mine, I've always known but today it really struck me. She has patio furniture and I have dirt, she has a nice grill and I have dirt, she has beautiful flagstone and I have dirt. I've used my yard in the past to garden but this year the only thing that hasn't died is my garlic and my green beans.
I thought The Heavenly One my be a bit sad since today is the anniversary of my dad's death and tomorrow is her wedding anniversary but she seemed fine. I thought I might take her to dinner tomorrow or at the very least cook for her but she mentioned that it wasn't something she was interested in doing. My brother may want to do something at the spur of the moment for her so I will give him a call tonight.
I haven't heard the visiting grandchildren since I've been home. I was hoping maybe they went home or possibly off the visit some other relatives, I guess I'll have to wait until around dinner time in order to see.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today even though I really didn't want to. While I was speaking to him, I just kept thinking, "What am I doing?", "Why am I putting myself through this?" I just wasn't in the mood to be bothered with him really. He drives his cousin's or his friend's car to work almost daily, on the days that he himself doesn't drive, someone picks him up. Anyway, on the days that he does drive, he makes no effort to spend time with me. I am not going to ask him to come see me or spend time with me, if that is something that he wants to do then that is something that he is going to have to do. He lives on the Island which as I said is over an hour away from me but, if he has permission to drive whoever's car back and forth to work, why doesn't he get or ask for permission to bring the vehicle near my house? He was a bit upset while we were on the phone because he tells me that I sounded bothered and that I was conversing with him in one word answers. I wanted to say, "Because you get on my fucking nerves and I'm tired of your bullshit", but of course I didn't. He then got very upset over this conversation:
Mysterious Ex: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me:"No"
Mysterious Ex: "Do you want to go out tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me: "No, it depends on how I feel tomorrow I guess"
Mysterious Ex: "You're not going to feel well tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, I might not be alive tomorrow"
Mysterious Ex: "Oh". "So you don't know if you want to go out?"
Me: "No"
Mysterious Ex: (quiet for a very long time and I know he was getting upset) "I'm going to go now"
Me: "Okay"
We hang up.
Now, what the fuck? He thinks that because he suggests we do something after not seeing me for all of this time and running and addressing every other need and every other person in his life that I am supposed to just jump for joy? "Oh yes Mysterious Ex, I am so glad that you took the time out of your busy schedule to find an evening for me. What joy! What an honor! God bless you for bestowing your time on me!" I mean give me a fucking break. Even asshole New Guy spent more time with me. I mean my God. We discussed this in depth, we talked about this before we tried again, I told him this was one of the worst parts of our relationship but like I've said many times before NOTHING HAS CHANGED. As I've said, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the outcome, the outcome is still the same. He tells me, "I don't have a car right now". No shit Sherlock but when you DID have a car guess what?, Same shit. The same shit happened in June of 2004 that is going on right now. I mean, I have been patient, I have been understanding, I have waited like a "good girlfriend" and everything is still the same. Now because you go, "Let's go out", I'm supposed to jump up, throw on my Sunday best, forget my feelings and trot out the door with you? You've got to be kidding me.
6.13.2005
Day Five of the Fast and 6 Pounds Lighter
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 3 cups of popcorn and 10 croutons (I was hungry) Apple Cider
Bought: Jesus, I bought graduate courses, $2,500 worth
Hours on Phone: about 2, talked to G who is one of the strangest people sometimes
Exercise: None
Resumes: None though, I was offered another job, that's three in the past 2 weeks or so
Day five and I'm 6 pounds lighter. Is this worth it? I'm not sure yet, we'll see by the end of the month. G told me if I take a laxative every few days I can lose like three additional pounds a week. Sounds a lot like an after school or LifeTime program to me but hey, I'm grown, I'll try it, if I feel sick, I'll stop, if not, 9 pounds a week here I come. Today, just because I'm an ass, I tried on a dress that I used to wear but which ver recently would not even go down over my new humongous hips and guess what? It did not fit like it used to but, I was able to wear it. It went down over my hips and did not rise up the way skirts and dresses that are a little too tight tend to do. My stomach is the hugest it has ever been though and that shows through the dress so I have decided to do or at least attempt to do a few or more crunches a day. I am not looking forward to doing these crunches nor do I know how I am going to convince myself to do them daily but, I will try. I figure by my absurd calculations that if I eat three or four but no more meals a week, I should lose 18 pounds by the end of the month. Is this safe? I'm not sure. Is it smart probably not. But, I'm still going to do it. I have no patience to lose weight the slow and proper way. I know I'm a sicky, so what.
Why does M.E. keep calling me? Do we talk this much normally or is he just this worried? I wonder if his little mind wandered back to the days when he would do this to me. Probably not. Today, he left me the swetest message but instead of me going awwww like I guess I should've, my response was just, why is he being so sweet to me? What's wrong with him? What did he do? Yet another tragedy has occurred over at casa de M.E., apparently a tree in his yard fell. I swear, either this man is the greatest liar in the world or, he has the worst luck ever. He left me another message so that I could hear the tree take awayers revving up the motors of their chainsaws. This is yet another reason why I should break up with him, I don't want all kinds of tragedy and calamities entering my life. Imagine we get married or something and now pipes are bursting, trees are falling, I'm getting into accidents, etc. My God.
Samson and I had a rather pleasant day today. It was hot as all hell out but, we managed to sweat over to the park. We hung out with The Heavenly One and Delilah for a bit, then we came home and took a shower, individually of course. I washed my curtains, he played. I dusted, he slept. I mopped the floors, he ate. I put clothes away, he slept. I guess a good time was had by all. I am supposed to go shopping with The Heavenly One tomorrow, needless to say, I AM NOT looking forward to it. I LOVE my mom but GOD!!, I HATE HATE HATE going shopping with her. She has to look at everything 6, 7, 8, 9 times, she has to ask the saleswoman why the things in the store are so expensive when she ONLY buys expensive clothes. She has to try stuff on, over and over and over. Then she has to get accessories. After all of this, she decides she doesn't want the things, then I complain and threaten to leave her at which time she then purchases said items only to return them for the things she originally looked at. Arrrgh!! The ONLY cool thing about shopping with her is she ALWAYS lets me get a couple of things so, I can deal with all of her foolishness (though at the time believe me it is agonizing) for free clothes. Especially clothes that I would probably never buy unless they were on sale.
My tenants grandchildren are visiting. Now, my tenants are pretty nice people. I very rarely see them and even rarer hear them but they have the three LOUDEST CHILDREN EVER PUT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! My tenants apartment is 8 rooms an truthfully the only time I ever hear them is if I happen to be in the bathroom and they flush the toilet or run a bath or occassionally I may here one of them cough or sneeze if they are in the hall and I am going down to my lower level. But now all I hear is:
(don't know exactly who it is so can't give a name or even sex of child)
Child#1: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (this goes on for the entire exchange of following words)
Child#2: STOP STUPID! I HATE YOU! DUMMY! AHHHH! GRANDMA! AHHH! GRANDPA!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! (run, run, run, run) those are running noises
Female Tenant: That's not nice, stop, put that down, no, stop, say sorry, no, go sit down, watch t.v., I'm calling mommy.
Child#! (changing tone of cry) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Child#2: MINE! STOP! OW! NO! STOP! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (run, throw, jump, jump, run, throw, fall) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Male Tenant: behave, stop, no, stop, (calling wife's name rather loudly) come get these kids
Child#1: (not to be outdone) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (somehow louder than before)
Child#2: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The whole time this is going on, Sam and I look at each other then the ceiling Sam of course gets up, barks, sits down, barks, poor thing. I swear the ceiling is going to fall in. These kids are supposed to stay for half of the summer. I don't want to be rude to my tenants because like I said, they are normally nice and I can't even imagine what they are going through first hand up there so I have decided to try and tough it out. As I am writing this, all is quiet so I guess they wrestled the little monsters to bed finally.
Even though it is late, I am going to trek over to The Heavenly One's house for the night. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my dad's death and the day after is her 33 rd anniversary so I know my mom will probably not want to be alone. I guess I'll take her out to lunch after our shopping excursion. If I can drop 2500 on some classes I guess I can buck up 50 dollars to feed my mom.
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 3 cups of popcorn and 10 croutons (I was hungry) Apple Cider
Bought: Jesus, I bought graduate courses, $2,500 worth
Hours on Phone: about 2, talked to G who is one of the strangest people sometimes
Exercise: None
Resumes: None though, I was offered another job, that's three in the past 2 weeks or so
Day five and I'm 6 pounds lighter. Is this worth it? I'm not sure yet, we'll see by the end of the month. G told me if I take a laxative every few days I can lose like three additional pounds a week. Sounds a lot like an after school or LifeTime program to me but hey, I'm grown, I'll try it, if I feel sick, I'll stop, if not, 9 pounds a week here I come. Today, just because I'm an ass, I tried on a dress that I used to wear but which ver recently would not even go down over my new humongous hips and guess what? It did not fit like it used to but, I was able to wear it. It went down over my hips and did not rise up the way skirts and dresses that are a little too tight tend to do. My stomach is the hugest it has ever been though and that shows through the dress so I have decided to do or at least attempt to do a few or more crunches a day. I am not looking forward to doing these crunches nor do I know how I am going to convince myself to do them daily but, I will try. I figure by my absurd calculations that if I eat three or four but no more meals a week, I should lose 18 pounds by the end of the month. Is this safe? I'm not sure. Is it smart probably not. But, I'm still going to do it. I have no patience to lose weight the slow and proper way. I know I'm a sicky, so what.
Why does M.E. keep calling me? Do we talk this much normally or is he just this worried? I wonder if his little mind wandered back to the days when he would do this to me. Probably not. Today, he left me the swetest message but instead of me going awwww like I guess I should've, my response was just, why is he being so sweet to me? What's wrong with him? What did he do? Yet another tragedy has occurred over at casa de M.E., apparently a tree in his yard fell. I swear, either this man is the greatest liar in the world or, he has the worst luck ever. He left me another message so that I could hear the tree take awayers revving up the motors of their chainsaws. This is yet another reason why I should break up with him, I don't want all kinds of tragedy and calamities entering my life. Imagine we get married or something and now pipes are bursting, trees are falling, I'm getting into accidents, etc. My God.
Samson and I had a rather pleasant day today. It was hot as all hell out but, we managed to sweat over to the park. We hung out with The Heavenly One and Delilah for a bit, then we came home and took a shower, individually of course. I washed my curtains, he played. I dusted, he slept. I mopped the floors, he ate. I put clothes away, he slept. I guess a good time was had by all. I am supposed to go shopping with The Heavenly One tomorrow, needless to say, I AM NOT looking forward to it. I LOVE my mom but GOD!!, I HATE HATE HATE going shopping with her. She has to look at everything 6, 7, 8, 9 times, she has to ask the saleswoman why the things in the store are so expensive when she ONLY buys expensive clothes. She has to try stuff on, over and over and over. Then she has to get accessories. After all of this, she decides she doesn't want the things, then I complain and threaten to leave her at which time she then purchases said items only to return them for the things she originally looked at. Arrrgh!! The ONLY cool thing about shopping with her is she ALWAYS lets me get a couple of things so, I can deal with all of her foolishness (though at the time believe me it is agonizing) for free clothes. Especially clothes that I would probably never buy unless they were on sale.
My tenants grandchildren are visiting. Now, my tenants are pretty nice people. I very rarely see them and even rarer hear them but they have the three LOUDEST CHILDREN EVER PUT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! My tenants apartment is 8 rooms an truthfully the only time I ever hear them is if I happen to be in the bathroom and they flush the toilet or run a bath or occassionally I may here one of them cough or sneeze if they are in the hall and I am going down to my lower level. But now all I hear is:
(don't know exactly who it is so can't give a name or even sex of child)
Child#1: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (this goes on for the entire exchange of following words)
Child#2: STOP STUPID! I HATE YOU! DUMMY! AHHHH! GRANDMA! AHHH! GRANDPA!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! (run, run, run, run) those are running noises
Female Tenant: That's not nice, stop, put that down, no, stop, say sorry, no, go sit down, watch t.v., I'm calling mommy.
Child#! (changing tone of cry) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Child#2: MINE! STOP! OW! NO! STOP! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (run, throw, jump, jump, run, throw, fall) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Male Tenant: behave, stop, no, stop, (calling wife's name rather loudly) come get these kids
Child#1: (not to be outdone) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (somehow louder than before)
Child#2: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The whole time this is going on, Sam and I look at each other then the ceiling Sam of course gets up, barks, sits down, barks, poor thing. I swear the ceiling is going to fall in. These kids are supposed to stay for half of the summer. I don't want to be rude to my tenants because like I said, they are normally nice and I can't even imagine what they are going through first hand up there so I have decided to try and tough it out. As I am writing this, all is quiet so I guess they wrestled the little monsters to bed finally.
Even though it is late, I am going to trek over to The Heavenly One's house for the night. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my dad's death and the day after is her 33 rd anniversary so I know my mom will probably not want to be alone. I guess I'll take her out to lunch after our shopping excursion. If I can drop 2500 on some classes I guess I can buck up 50 dollars to feed my mom.
I'm tired of coming up with titles
Since I have decided to incubate myself, with the exception of course of The Heavenly One. I've been doing nothing but thinking. Now that I am once again gainfully employed and have a plan to put into effect, the only thing that I seem to be thinking about, you guessed it, is my situation with Mysterious Ex. I made up my mind last night to try and break up with him, I don't feel things are going well between us and it bothers me a lot. So I wake up this morning to this mail which he sent me:
I called you a few times and couldn't get you, so I am writing to make sure you are ok. I didn't have much time this weekend because of the flood to see or talk to you. I wanted to see you and I do miss you. I know you say it's not my fault, but I'm sorry anyway. About the car situation and this flood thing. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you are ok. I am keeping an optimistic view in spite of everything. I am tired but I wanted to talk to you before I went to bed. I hope you read this tonight.
Luv u
Mysterious Ex (signed by me of course)
This bothers me again. Should I just go with my decision I mean, I am unhappy. I'm unsure of what to do.
God I hope he never finds this he would be so angry with me for posting that mail.
I called you a few times and couldn't get you, so I am writing to make sure you are ok. I didn't have much time this weekend because of the flood to see or talk to you. I wanted to see you and I do miss you. I know you say it's not my fault, but I'm sorry anyway. About the car situation and this flood thing. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you are ok. I am keeping an optimistic view in spite of everything. I am tired but I wanted to talk to you before I went to bed. I hope you read this tonight.
Luv u
Mysterious Ex (signed by me of course)
This bothers me again. Should I just go with my decision I mean, I am unhappy. I'm unsure of what to do.
God I hope he never finds this he would be so angry with me for posting that mail.
6.12.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 8 ounces of hazelnut coffee, non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 1/4 of a leaf of iceburg lettuce, apple cider
Hours on phone: none
Resumes: none
Exercise: none
bought: nothing
With the exception of speaking to The Heavenly One, I have basically incubated myself all day. I have been on the verge of tears, looking up information on becoming a principal and writing in my journal. After reading past journal entries, a few emails and thinking for most of the day, I think that I should end things with Mysterious Ex. I asked him to go to a wedding with me on the 25th so I was thinking of doing it after that day but, I feel that I should do it sooner rather than later. I love M.E., I will not sit here and say that I don't but, a relationship needs a lot more than just love in order to grow, I don't feel that Mysterious Ex and I have those other elements. Much of our relationship has been me, compromising, appeasing his ego, trying to get things to go smoothly between us and truthfully, I just don't have the energy or the patience nor do I want to play that role any longer. M.E. and I have been together for a year and a half. I don't think that a relationship should be perfect and wonderful after so short a time but, I think that at the very least, it should show promise and growth. Though we do have potential, that isn't enough. I always say that I love myself. My friends tout me as being this independent, strong minded, self efficient take no shit kind of chick but the truth is, I take a lot of shit, I do. I take shit all of the time, I also put other people's needs and feelings before my own. Why do I do that? I'm a smart kind of chick, I have the right thoughts, I'll talk the women can do anything and I don't need a man bullshit anyday but when it comes down to it, I don't live it. Why is that? I'm a sucker and I'm not being true to myself. I need more, I need to feel as though I am incorporated into the person I choose to call my partner's life and I don't feel that right now, I don't think I've ever felt that with M.E. Then I began doing some really deep thinking and I realized, I'm always being fucked over, it's like I'm a magnet for bullshit. So what does this say about me? What kind of person am I really if I allow this into my life? Two years before meeting Mysterious Ex, I was involved with this real asshole, I mean someone who a LifeTime movie should have been made about, it was honestly that bad. After getting myself out of that short lived but horrendous relationship, I took more than a year off from dating. I just chilled, I didn't have sex, I didn't really go out on "date" dates, I just hung with my friends occassionally and did a lot of soul searching. I figured I had to be really fucked up or at least temporarily fucked up in order to let a man like that into my life I mean really, he was horrible. During my time off, I decided on the kind of man I wanted to be with. I seriously thought about the qualities I wanted in a man and thought about what I was going to accept and what I wasn't. When I met Mysterious Ex, it literally was like a breath of fresh air. He was such a welcome respite from the kind of bullshit I had previously let into my life so, I fell for him rather quickly. It wasn't until we were dating for months before he began acting stupid and my first inclination (which I should have followed) was "fuck this" but, I kept on. And on, and on, and on, and on and on. Now, I am in this place where I am partially angry, partially sad, partially resentful, partially fed up within myself.
I keep saying I want things between M.E. and I to work out but guess what? I also want 7 million dollars! I mean, I think it's along the same lines. I would love it if Mysterious Ex and I were able to work out our issues and have a decent wonderful relationship but, I would also love it if I lived in a world where people didn't starve and babies didn't die. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. I feel that by keeping quiet, I am doing myself a great disservice. I also don't want to go to my cousin's sedding by myself. Although, something in the back of my mind (call it Mysterious Ex's penchant for being unreliable maybe) tells me that he isn't "going to able to make it". Something tells me that an uncle will die or a car will break or he will have to fly to Nashville to sell some music crap. I see it happening. That in itself is sad. The fact that I can't reasonably rely on the man who is supposed to be my boyfriend should be a huge wake up call. I mean, what am I doing with this man? I don't want to be this girl but, I will be her for a minute or two, I need to. I don't want to go to my cousin't wedding alone, I don't want to be viewed as the fat lonely spinster. I'm tired of not being apart of a decent relationship, I'm tired of being by myself. I'm not really the lonely type, I actually like alone time, I don't need to be in someone's face all of the time but it's nice to feel apart of a couple. It's nice to have someone by your side to know that you are loved by someone other than your mom, family and few choice friends. But, I feel I don't have that.
My heart hurts. I literally have this heavy feeling in my chest. I feel tears in my eyes but pride or lack of the ability to admit defeat will not let them flow. I don't want to have another failed relationship. I don't want to be by myself again. I don't want to go through dating another man, going on more stupid dates, dressing up to impress some stranger. I don't want to feel heartbreak and loneliness again but, I feel them already. I'm tired of sleeping alone almost every night. I'm tired of feeling cast aside and left behind. I'm just tired, so tired of all of it. Why should I be so upset that I close myself off to everybody? Why should I sit in my house when I could be out? I could be enjoying myself, alone, with friends or with another guy. Why do I feel such attachment to M.E.? Why can't I let him go? I know that this is something that I need to do for myself. I know that I cannot continue on this path with him. I sent Sam to The Heavenly One's house because he kept barking and I just couldn't take it today. I'm not even in the mood to have my own "son" around.
On a side note, my cousin (the one that is pregnant) told me that she saw my ex fiancee not so long ago. I didn't really care until she tells me oh, he has a son, he's married, etc. How did this happen? This man was such a fucking jerk! I mean like an unbelievable asswipe! How does he get happiness and a wife and a son and I get a dog?! I mean believe me, I like my life, I have a far better life than many people. Though I was unemployed, I have the resources to have a great career and make good money. I am embarking on a new portion of my career which will be very lucrative. I am healthy, I own my own place in a decent neighborhood. When I am working, I live very well, I usually have good savings and can travel, etc. but still. This guy has a fucking wife and a kid! I mean I know that people can change, I know that he probably grew up and all that jazz but still. It isn't fair. He fucked me over BIG TIME. I know that I don't know all of what is going on in his life and he may be suffering internally, yak, yak. But hey, he has a wife and a baby and he could be living the life of Riley. I don't that that's fair. I was good to him, I've been good, too good to every person I've dated and he gets the wife and baby? Not fair.
I sometimes get into this very dark place where I think something must be wrong with me. Where I think I must be hexed or an ass or any number of things that would make me have such shitty relationships since I am a strong believer of "you get back what you put out into the world" (from my days of being a practicing Wiccan). Honestly, I don't see where I put ugliness out into the world. I would say that for the most part, I am a really decent person. I've borne witness to and been the recipient of some terrible ugliness in this world but I can honestly say that I have never intentionally put any nastiness out there, but that's all I seem to get back. One of my friend calls me the leader of the moral parade for Christ's sake!
I'm not bragging but I'm very often stopped and told, by strangers that I exude this confidence and self assuredness. One of my friends is this girl that I met because she told me she felt this heat come from me and she wanted to be around it. I continuously am told I am wonderful, amazing, kind, sweet, nice, generous, beautiful and any number of niceities that people pass on, even from the people that are fucking me over. If all of this is true, why do I have such sucky relationships? Why is it so difficult for me to find a quality mate? I'm not even talking about walking down the aisle and pushing out babies as of yet, I mean someone that I can just hang out with. Someone that I can enjoy and who enjoys me without all of the bullshit that seems to happen in my relationships. I know I'm being down and negative. I know that I'm wallowing in my own sadness but so what, it's that kind of a day.
During this last time when we were trying to get back together, Mysterious Ex told me that I sabotage our relationship (yet he is the one who until recently would stop speaking to me because I was doing something as awful as talking during the presidential elections or God forbid, telling him that I wanted more sex, oh the horror!). He told me that I often dismiss him and make him feel as though he is not important to me. I fell for that. I mean, was he being sincere in saying that was truly how he felt? Or, was that some manipulation shit? He tells me that he wants us to be together, but I don't see enough of a change to really take it to heart. I told myself I would give him 1 month, it's been 9 weeks. I tried to take into account the fact that he doesn't have a car now but, I don't care anymore. No mater the reason behind th non- change, the result is still the same and I still feel like shit. I am tired of trading myself off and accepting less than I know I deserve. I mean not to be conceited, but I'm a good woman, that is something that I know, I KNOW that not only do I deserve more than this, but I can get more than this.
Breakfast: 8 ounces of hazelnut coffee, non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 1/4 of a leaf of iceburg lettuce, apple cider
Hours on phone: none
Resumes: none
Exercise: none
bought: nothing
With the exception of speaking to The Heavenly One, I have basically incubated myself all day. I have been on the verge of tears, looking up information on becoming a principal and writing in my journal. After reading past journal entries, a few emails and thinking for most of the day, I think that I should end things with Mysterious Ex. I asked him to go to a wedding with me on the 25th so I was thinking of doing it after that day but, I feel that I should do it sooner rather than later. I love M.E., I will not sit here and say that I don't but, a relationship needs a lot more than just love in order to grow, I don't feel that Mysterious Ex and I have those other elements. Much of our relationship has been me, compromising, appeasing his ego, trying to get things to go smoothly between us and truthfully, I just don't have the energy or the patience nor do I want to play that role any longer. M.E. and I have been together for a year and a half. I don't think that a relationship should be perfect and wonderful after so short a time but, I think that at the very least, it should show promise and growth. Though we do have potential, that isn't enough. I always say that I love myself. My friends tout me as being this independent, strong minded, self efficient take no shit kind of chick but the truth is, I take a lot of shit, I do. I take shit all of the time, I also put other people's needs and feelings before my own. Why do I do that? I'm a smart kind of chick, I have the right thoughts, I'll talk the women can do anything and I don't need a man bullshit anyday but when it comes down to it, I don't live it. Why is that? I'm a sucker and I'm not being true to myself. I need more, I need to feel as though I am incorporated into the person I choose to call my partner's life and I don't feel that right now, I don't think I've ever felt that with M.E. Then I began doing some really deep thinking and I realized, I'm always being fucked over, it's like I'm a magnet for bullshit. So what does this say about me? What kind of person am I really if I allow this into my life? Two years before meeting Mysterious Ex, I was involved with this real asshole, I mean someone who a LifeTime movie should have been made about, it was honestly that bad. After getting myself out of that short lived but horrendous relationship, I took more than a year off from dating. I just chilled, I didn't have sex, I didn't really go out on "date" dates, I just hung with my friends occassionally and did a lot of soul searching. I figured I had to be really fucked up or at least temporarily fucked up in order to let a man like that into my life I mean really, he was horrible. During my time off, I decided on the kind of man I wanted to be with. I seriously thought about the qualities I wanted in a man and thought about what I was going to accept and what I wasn't. When I met Mysterious Ex, it literally was like a breath of fresh air. He was such a welcome respite from the kind of bullshit I had previously let into my life so, I fell for him rather quickly. It wasn't until we were dating for months before he began acting stupid and my first inclination (which I should have followed) was "fuck this" but, I kept on. And on, and on, and on, and on and on. Now, I am in this place where I am partially angry, partially sad, partially resentful, partially fed up within myself.
I keep saying I want things between M.E. and I to work out but guess what? I also want 7 million dollars! I mean, I think it's along the same lines. I would love it if Mysterious Ex and I were able to work out our issues and have a decent wonderful relationship but, I would also love it if I lived in a world where people didn't starve and babies didn't die. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. I feel that by keeping quiet, I am doing myself a great disservice. I also don't want to go to my cousin's sedding by myself. Although, something in the back of my mind (call it Mysterious Ex's penchant for being unreliable maybe) tells me that he isn't "going to able to make it". Something tells me that an uncle will die or a car will break or he will have to fly to Nashville to sell some music crap. I see it happening. That in itself is sad. The fact that I can't reasonably rely on the man who is supposed to be my boyfriend should be a huge wake up call. I mean, what am I doing with this man? I don't want to be this girl but, I will be her for a minute or two, I need to. I don't want to go to my cousin't wedding alone, I don't want to be viewed as the fat lonely spinster. I'm tired of not being apart of a decent relationship, I'm tired of being by myself. I'm not really the lonely type, I actually like alone time, I don't need to be in someone's face all of the time but it's nice to feel apart of a couple. It's nice to have someone by your side to know that you are loved by someone other than your mom, family and few choice friends. But, I feel I don't have that.
My heart hurts. I literally have this heavy feeling in my chest. I feel tears in my eyes but pride or lack of the ability to admit defeat will not let them flow. I don't want to have another failed relationship. I don't want to be by myself again. I don't want to go through dating another man, going on more stupid dates, dressing up to impress some stranger. I don't want to feel heartbreak and loneliness again but, I feel them already. I'm tired of sleeping alone almost every night. I'm tired of feeling cast aside and left behind. I'm just tired, so tired of all of it. Why should I be so upset that I close myself off to everybody? Why should I sit in my house when I could be out? I could be enjoying myself, alone, with friends or with another guy. Why do I feel such attachment to M.E.? Why can't I let him go? I know that this is something that I need to do for myself. I know that I cannot continue on this path with him. I sent Sam to The Heavenly One's house because he kept barking and I just couldn't take it today. I'm not even in the mood to have my own "son" around.
On a side note, my cousin (the one that is pregnant) told me that she saw my ex fiancee not so long ago. I didn't really care until she tells me oh, he has a son, he's married, etc. How did this happen? This man was such a fucking jerk! I mean like an unbelievable asswipe! How does he get happiness and a wife and a son and I get a dog?! I mean believe me, I like my life, I have a far better life than many people. Though I was unemployed, I have the resources to have a great career and make good money. I am embarking on a new portion of my career which will be very lucrative. I am healthy, I own my own place in a decent neighborhood. When I am working, I live very well, I usually have good savings and can travel, etc. but still. This guy has a fucking wife and a kid! I mean I know that people can change, I know that he probably grew up and all that jazz but still. It isn't fair. He fucked me over BIG TIME. I know that I don't know all of what is going on in his life and he may be suffering internally, yak, yak. But hey, he has a wife and a baby and he could be living the life of Riley. I don't that that's fair. I was good to him, I've been good, too good to every person I've dated and he gets the wife and baby? Not fair.
I sometimes get into this very dark place where I think something must be wrong with me. Where I think I must be hexed or an ass or any number of things that would make me have such shitty relationships since I am a strong believer of "you get back what you put out into the world" (from my days of being a practicing Wiccan). Honestly, I don't see where I put ugliness out into the world. I would say that for the most part, I am a really decent person. I've borne witness to and been the recipient of some terrible ugliness in this world but I can honestly say that I have never intentionally put any nastiness out there, but that's all I seem to get back. One of my friend calls me the leader of the moral parade for Christ's sake!
I'm not bragging but I'm very often stopped and told, by strangers that I exude this confidence and self assuredness. One of my friends is this girl that I met because she told me she felt this heat come from me and she wanted to be around it. I continuously am told I am wonderful, amazing, kind, sweet, nice, generous, beautiful and any number of niceities that people pass on, even from the people that are fucking me over. If all of this is true, why do I have such sucky relationships? Why is it so difficult for me to find a quality mate? I'm not even talking about walking down the aisle and pushing out babies as of yet, I mean someone that I can just hang out with. Someone that I can enjoy and who enjoys me without all of the bullshit that seems to happen in my relationships. I know I'm being down and negative. I know that I'm wallowing in my own sadness but so what, it's that kind of a day.
During this last time when we were trying to get back together, Mysterious Ex told me that I sabotage our relationship (yet he is the one who until recently would stop speaking to me because I was doing something as awful as talking during the presidential elections or God forbid, telling him that I wanted more sex, oh the horror!). He told me that I often dismiss him and make him feel as though he is not important to me. I fell for that. I mean, was he being sincere in saying that was truly how he felt? Or, was that some manipulation shit? He tells me that he wants us to be together, but I don't see enough of a change to really take it to heart. I told myself I would give him 1 month, it's been 9 weeks. I tried to take into account the fact that he doesn't have a car now but, I don't care anymore. No mater the reason behind th non- change, the result is still the same and I still feel like shit. I am tired of trading myself off and accepting less than I know I deserve. I mean not to be conceited, but I'm a good woman, that is something that I know, I KNOW that not only do I deserve more than this, but I can get more than this.
Last night my stomach growled and growled and growled so much I had to eat. I had 6 steamed shrimp, a half a head of steamed brocoli and a cup of steamed rice. Needless to say, my tummy was quite happy. So I am back to fasting though this morning I did have 8 ounces of coffee with non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar, hope that counts as part of the fast.
I have registered for the Principal certification program and it's going to be quite expensive. Luckily, all of that previous book learning I've done before will come in quite handy though its still going to take about 36 months more or less to complete but that's okay I guess. Once I am finished, I will be able to make like 50,000 dollars more than I make now to start so I am willing to invest in that.
I have registered for the Principal certification program and it's going to be quite expensive. Luckily, all of that previous book learning I've done before will come in quite handy though its still going to take about 36 months more or less to complete but that's okay I guess. Once I am finished, I will be able to make like 50,000 dollars more than I make now to start so I am willing to invest in that.
6.11.2005
Eaten so far Today:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup apple cider, 1/2 cup orange juice (for potassium)
It's still too early to post other stuff, I've only been up for about three hours
Well, day three of the fast and everything seems well. I have been a bit hungry this morning, I had some hunger pangs that did not go away with the drinking of my daily juice so I will probably drink some greeen tea with Splenda in a bit. I spoke to my cousin who, I'll call Her Holiness (she's ULTRA religious) and she told me she was having a baby, I'm very happy for her but it's so weird, I do have other friends who have children but, she and I grew up together so it's like "Wow, SHE'S having a baby?" not because anything is wrong with her but it feels like wow, welcome to adulthood. She's doing fine so far as is the baby so I'm wishing her lots of luck, I don't live very far from her andd she's a teacher too so maybe Sam and I will go visit her one of these days once school lets out.
This morning, my wonderful Samson, the apple of my eye, the puppy who can do no wrong and I love more than anything or almost anyome ever had sex with my silk comforter. Oh, imagine the horror I encountered as I cam into the bedroom and saw him pumping away at the bed. Truthfully, I think it is something that just kind of happened as opposed to him actually masturbating or anything like that. I woke up, washed my face, brushed my teeth then went to get my paper from the porch. Usually Sam is right by my side barking at birds, cars, fallen leaves, really anything that he happens to see but this morning when I went to get the paper, he wasn't at my side. I assumed he ran downstairs because sometimes he can be a little over zealous in going outside. Anyway, I called him a few times but he didin't come (however he actually was, ha ha, that's an attempt at a really bad joke) anyway, I went to look for him and there he was humping away. When I called him, his little face was so weird like as if to say "what's going on here?" Poor baby, I don't think he realized what was going on. He tried to walk over to me but his member was hanging out and I guess it didn't help matters when I called him a "dirty little sex fiend" and ran out of the room. The thing stayed out for a while, even after he ran around in the yard and even after we went to visit The Heavenly One. Ah well, I guess my little man is growing up. But ewwwww, I don't want to think about it.
Mysterious Ex's basement flooded yesterday and a lot of his equipment was ruined. I feel so bad for him, it's like something is always happening to him. If something goes wrong, it will definitely get worse. His car is broken, one of his best vendors was threatening to return a bunch of stuff which could really mess with his commission and now most of the equipment he bought for his studio which is VERY expensive stuff is ruined. Now he has to get a sump pump or something like that which I KNOW is a pain in the ass. My main water line broke last year and JESUS, IT WAS A PAIN!!!!! Water is everywhere, no one can give a definitive answer on what is going on, arggh!, I hope to NEVER go through such a thing again.
My day will be filled with cleaning out my last two closets ( I never realized all of the crap I've managed to accumulate) and mopping my floors which I am not in the mood to do. I've put off mopping this week, I usually do two rooms everyday and take a break on Sunday but, did not do that this week so theoretically, I should mop all of the floors today but, I am not sure if that is going to happen.
I should have gotten on the scale before I started my fasting but, I was not prepared to do that though I think I will gain the courage to do so so that I can see the difference all of this is going to make and of course so I can brag, "I lost x pounds by not eating for two weeks". God I'm an ass.
Breakfast: 1/2 cup apple cider, 1/2 cup orange juice (for potassium)
It's still too early to post other stuff, I've only been up for about three hours
Well, day three of the fast and everything seems well. I have been a bit hungry this morning, I had some hunger pangs that did not go away with the drinking of my daily juice so I will probably drink some greeen tea with Splenda in a bit. I spoke to my cousin who, I'll call Her Holiness (she's ULTRA religious) and she told me she was having a baby, I'm very happy for her but it's so weird, I do have other friends who have children but, she and I grew up together so it's like "Wow, SHE'S having a baby?" not because anything is wrong with her but it feels like wow, welcome to adulthood. She's doing fine so far as is the baby so I'm wishing her lots of luck, I don't live very far from her andd she's a teacher too so maybe Sam and I will go visit her one of these days once school lets out.
This morning, my wonderful Samson, the apple of my eye, the puppy who can do no wrong and I love more than anything or almost anyome ever had sex with my silk comforter. Oh, imagine the horror I encountered as I cam into the bedroom and saw him pumping away at the bed. Truthfully, I think it is something that just kind of happened as opposed to him actually masturbating or anything like that. I woke up, washed my face, brushed my teeth then went to get my paper from the porch. Usually Sam is right by my side barking at birds, cars, fallen leaves, really anything that he happens to see but this morning when I went to get the paper, he wasn't at my side. I assumed he ran downstairs because sometimes he can be a little over zealous in going outside. Anyway, I called him a few times but he didin't come (however he actually was, ha ha, that's an attempt at a really bad joke) anyway, I went to look for him and there he was humping away. When I called him, his little face was so weird like as if to say "what's going on here?" Poor baby, I don't think he realized what was going on. He tried to walk over to me but his member was hanging out and I guess it didn't help matters when I called him a "dirty little sex fiend" and ran out of the room. The thing stayed out for a while, even after he ran around in the yard and even after we went to visit The Heavenly One. Ah well, I guess my little man is growing up. But ewwwww, I don't want to think about it.
Mysterious Ex's basement flooded yesterday and a lot of his equipment was ruined. I feel so bad for him, it's like something is always happening to him. If something goes wrong, it will definitely get worse. His car is broken, one of his best vendors was threatening to return a bunch of stuff which could really mess with his commission and now most of the equipment he bought for his studio which is VERY expensive stuff is ruined. Now he has to get a sump pump or something like that which I KNOW is a pain in the ass. My main water line broke last year and JESUS, IT WAS A PAIN!!!!! Water is everywhere, no one can give a definitive answer on what is going on, arggh!, I hope to NEVER go through such a thing again.
My day will be filled with cleaning out my last two closets ( I never realized all of the crap I've managed to accumulate) and mopping my floors which I am not in the mood to do. I've put off mopping this week, I usually do two rooms everyday and take a break on Sunday but, did not do that this week so theoretically, I should mop all of the floors today but, I am not sure if that is going to happen.
I should have gotten on the scale before I started my fasting but, I was not prepared to do that though I think I will gain the courage to do so so that I can see the difference all of this is going to make and of course so I can brag, "I lost x pounds by not eating for two weeks". God I'm an ass.
6.10.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: Having Apple Cider
Resumes: none
Hours on phone: a little over 1
Bought: nothing
Exercise: went up 6 flights of double steps twice, might not count but felt like exercise to me
So, I've been doing this fast and so far, things have been okay. I had a slight headache earlier but I drank some apple cider and that went away. The weird thng is, Mysterious Ex tells me today, lets go out to dinner, let's go to Maroons (one of my favorite restaraunts) when I asked him why, he tells me "just because, let's go" I then told him I was fasting which he saw as silly. He tells me, you know you are gorgeous, cut it out already. I can always count on M.E. to make me feel better about myself no matter how I'm looking or feeling.
I went to my new school today to do a sample lesson for the principal. She was very pleased (go me!) and had nothing but praise for me. Needless to say, I was very happy, it really is a great school and a really great position but God!, it is so far away. I have to travel for like an hour and a half and walk like four blocks UP STEEP HILLS. Needless to say, I am going to try to get back into pre staying home shape before I go back to work, I will be damned if some hills are going to make me look sweaty and tired before the school day even begins. Then again, I still am on the lookout for a school closer to my house so, we'll see what happens over the course of the summer.
Thanks to The Ming and Gwendolyn who always have the greatest advice and always manage to deliver said advice to me with a good laugh, you guys are great, too bad we're all so far away, we could get together and drink wine and eat pizza and cheesecake, (or whatever you ladies like to eat, those happen to be my favorite things). I cannot seem to bring myself to break things off with Mysterious Ex, I love the guy, I want things to be better between us, I know that I am doing myself a disservice by staying with him especially with things the way they are but right now unfortunately and I say it because it is a serious misfortune, I can't do it. I am not afraid to be with myself, I've done that before, no sweat. I am not afraid I won't meet anybody "better", truthfully, I don't know what it is, I'm just not ready to do it as of yet. (Maybe it has something to do with the four weddings we are supposed to attend this summer, I don't know). He is very sweet and I love him so much (can't believe I wrote that again), he's a great guy. For now, I am going to be still, if the result of choosing to do so is negative, I will just have to deal with the consequences. It isn't as though my entire life is going to fall apart, I believe I will be okay.
Samson is by far the most spoiled dog I have ever known (not that I've known many dogs personally but you know what I mean). Since I have been home with him for this long, he has grown very accustomed to having me with him all day. We are very rarely apart, and when we are, it is usually for a short period of time when he is at The Heavenly One's house for some reason or another. When I left him today at her house (he seems to know the difference between, just running to the store and going out for hours and hours) he threw himself on the floor and starting doing this weird breathing thing. I swore he was having an attack of some sort so I snatched him off the floor ready to give him CPR or the Heimlich manuever or some other life saving technique we hear about. As soon as I picked him up, he stopped the weird breathing thing and started licking my face like "yes!, she's taking me!". I then put him down and left. I did however call my mom twice to make sure he was okay. I love that little bugger but his attempts at manipulation are admittedly a bit advanced for a dog only two years old. If he can figure out how to get to me like that, I am not looking forward to having kids (I really am but again, you know).
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: Having Apple Cider
Resumes: none
Hours on phone: a little over 1
Bought: nothing
Exercise: went up 6 flights of double steps twice, might not count but felt like exercise to me
So, I've been doing this fast and so far, things have been okay. I had a slight headache earlier but I drank some apple cider and that went away. The weird thng is, Mysterious Ex tells me today, lets go out to dinner, let's go to Maroons (one of my favorite restaraunts) when I asked him why, he tells me "just because, let's go" I then told him I was fasting which he saw as silly. He tells me, you know you are gorgeous, cut it out already. I can always count on M.E. to make me feel better about myself no matter how I'm looking or feeling.
I went to my new school today to do a sample lesson for the principal. She was very pleased (go me!) and had nothing but praise for me. Needless to say, I was very happy, it really is a great school and a really great position but God!, it is so far away. I have to travel for like an hour and a half and walk like four blocks UP STEEP HILLS. Needless to say, I am going to try to get back into pre staying home shape before I go back to work, I will be damned if some hills are going to make me look sweaty and tired before the school day even begins. Then again, I still am on the lookout for a school closer to my house so, we'll see what happens over the course of the summer.
Thanks to The Ming and Gwendolyn who always have the greatest advice and always manage to deliver said advice to me with a good laugh, you guys are great, too bad we're all so far away, we could get together and drink wine and eat pizza and cheesecake, (or whatever you ladies like to eat, those happen to be my favorite things). I cannot seem to bring myself to break things off with Mysterious Ex, I love the guy, I want things to be better between us, I know that I am doing myself a disservice by staying with him especially with things the way they are but right now unfortunately and I say it because it is a serious misfortune, I can't do it. I am not afraid to be with myself, I've done that before, no sweat. I am not afraid I won't meet anybody "better", truthfully, I don't know what it is, I'm just not ready to do it as of yet. (Maybe it has something to do with the four weddings we are supposed to attend this summer, I don't know). He is very sweet and I love him so much (can't believe I wrote that again), he's a great guy. For now, I am going to be still, if the result of choosing to do so is negative, I will just have to deal with the consequences. It isn't as though my entire life is going to fall apart, I believe I will be okay.
Samson is by far the most spoiled dog I have ever known (not that I've known many dogs personally but you know what I mean). Since I have been home with him for this long, he has grown very accustomed to having me with him all day. We are very rarely apart, and when we are, it is usually for a short period of time when he is at The Heavenly One's house for some reason or another. When I left him today at her house (he seems to know the difference between, just running to the store and going out for hours and hours) he threw himself on the floor and starting doing this weird breathing thing. I swore he was having an attack of some sort so I snatched him off the floor ready to give him CPR or the Heimlich manuever or some other life saving technique we hear about. As soon as I picked him up, he stopped the weird breathing thing and started licking my face like "yes!, she's taking me!". I then put him down and left. I did however call my mom twice to make sure he was okay. I love that little bugger but his attempts at manipulation are admittedly a bit advanced for a dog only two years old. If he can figure out how to get to me like that, I am not looking forward to having kids (I really am but again, you know).
6.09.2005
Eaten today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: I'll have Apple Cider (I'm fasting)
Hours on Phone: about 3
Resumes: None today
Exercise: I've been cleaning up all day if that counts
Bought: Nothing
I spent the entire day digging in all of my closets and dressers pulling out clothing that is now too small for me. Though I am trying to get back to my regular size, I threw a lot of stuff away. Am I admitting defeat? Am I making an excuse to buy new clothes once I reach my goal or am I just okay at this size? My "regular" size is three or four sized smaller than I am right now and though it bothers me somewhat, it doesn't bother me tremendously. Throwing all of those clothes away sure did hurt though.
It seems to me that this thing with Mysterious Ex is going back to where it used to be. Granted I will admit that we have made some progress and I will also admit that he has changed to some degree but, I think most of this stuff is just change on the surface, I don't see a true internal change and I am not sure if I want to stay in this "relationship".
Here is the low down, Mysterious Ex and I broke up around October because he was being a butthead and stopped speaking to me because I was talking during the presdential elections last year. We briefly began speaking again after Christmas and spoke until late January but we stopped speaking until April when he called me. We stopped speaking in January because we had a slight argument one night and then I didn't hear from him for two days. As is/was (we'll go with was) the fashion of Mysterious Ex, if he became upset over somenthing, no matter how small, he would stop speaking to me. (As a side note, he used to do this to everyone, his friends, family, even his own dad). Since I didn't hear from him, I naturally assumed he wasn't speaking to me but this time instead of waiting to see what was going on and seeing if we could work things out, I told him to go fuck himself a few times and stopped speaking to him for over a month. Finally in February, he contacted me and said he was sorry and that he wanted to try again. He said he loved me very much and that he did not want to lose me or our relationship. I posed a few questions to him along the lines of "What are you going to do to ensure that we have a healthy relationship?", "How are you going to change the way you deal with anger?", What steps are willing to take to have us be together?" He took days and days to get back to me, not one or two days but like 10 or more so I told him, forget it, you have a good life.
When we were together before, I would barely see him, he was always working, always going to the studio, doing all of this extra work, (Mysterious Ex is trying to set up his own studio and while I do applaud his efforts and ambition, he already has a job that commands 45 - 50+ hours of his time weekly and we live over an hour in driving time apart from one another) and so we didn't spend much time together. A day after M.E. and I started speaking again in April, he got into a really bad car accident. He was okay with the exception of cuts on his hand (from his windshield and he bumped his head), his truck however was in really bad shape. He had to battle with his insurance company over costs, etc and his truck had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage. He had to get the parts for his truck, then he had to get money together to have it fixed so he hasn't had a car for about 2 months or so. He has been borrowing other people's cars in order to hang out with me so, we don't get to spend ad much time together as either of us would like and here in lies my problem. I understand that Mysterious Ex can't get around like he used to and 99% of the time that I call him he is home but, it is still irritating. I think I have been very patient but I'm at the point where I want to tell him, "give me a call when you get your truck back". I know that is a mena thing to think or say but, I can't help it. Regardless of the circumstances around why things are basically the same, things are basically the same. I am being patient, I am trying to be a "good" girlfriend but, it's difficult. I have already put over a year of my time and effort into this relationship and I don't want to end it over something foolish but, I don't want to just be left in limbo either. Maybe I am being selfish (I don't think I am), maybe I'm being impatient, but I can't help it, I'm tiredof sitting here day after day, I'm tired of sleeping along night after night, I'm tired of not having a "real" boyfriend. In the days before his car accident, I used to think that M.E. was running the streets with other women and that was the reason we could never see on another, I always thought he used work and self employment as an excuse. I don't want to be a mean and selfish person but I'm tired. I said I would give our relationship a month and then I would move on if it did not work. It's been more than a month and though I do understand the circumstances and the situation, it still very much feels the same.
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: I'll have Apple Cider (I'm fasting)
Hours on Phone: about 3
Resumes: None today
Exercise: I've been cleaning up all day if that counts
Bought: Nothing
I spent the entire day digging in all of my closets and dressers pulling out clothing that is now too small for me. Though I am trying to get back to my regular size, I threw a lot of stuff away. Am I admitting defeat? Am I making an excuse to buy new clothes once I reach my goal or am I just okay at this size? My "regular" size is three or four sized smaller than I am right now and though it bothers me somewhat, it doesn't bother me tremendously. Throwing all of those clothes away sure did hurt though.
It seems to me that this thing with Mysterious Ex is going back to where it used to be. Granted I will admit that we have made some progress and I will also admit that he has changed to some degree but, I think most of this stuff is just change on the surface, I don't see a true internal change and I am not sure if I want to stay in this "relationship".
Here is the low down, Mysterious Ex and I broke up around October because he was being a butthead and stopped speaking to me because I was talking during the presdential elections last year. We briefly began speaking again after Christmas and spoke until late January but we stopped speaking until April when he called me. We stopped speaking in January because we had a slight argument one night and then I didn't hear from him for two days. As is/was (we'll go with was) the fashion of Mysterious Ex, if he became upset over somenthing, no matter how small, he would stop speaking to me. (As a side note, he used to do this to everyone, his friends, family, even his own dad). Since I didn't hear from him, I naturally assumed he wasn't speaking to me but this time instead of waiting to see what was going on and seeing if we could work things out, I told him to go fuck himself a few times and stopped speaking to him for over a month. Finally in February, he contacted me and said he was sorry and that he wanted to try again. He said he loved me very much and that he did not want to lose me or our relationship. I posed a few questions to him along the lines of "What are you going to do to ensure that we have a healthy relationship?", "How are you going to change the way you deal with anger?", What steps are willing to take to have us be together?" He took days and days to get back to me, not one or two days but like 10 or more so I told him, forget it, you have a good life.
When we were together before, I would barely see him, he was always working, always going to the studio, doing all of this extra work, (Mysterious Ex is trying to set up his own studio and while I do applaud his efforts and ambition, he already has a job that commands 45 - 50+ hours of his time weekly and we live over an hour in driving time apart from one another) and so we didn't spend much time together. A day after M.E. and I started speaking again in April, he got into a really bad car accident. He was okay with the exception of cuts on his hand (from his windshield and he bumped his head), his truck however was in really bad shape. He had to battle with his insurance company over costs, etc and his truck had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage. He had to get the parts for his truck, then he had to get money together to have it fixed so he hasn't had a car for about 2 months or so. He has been borrowing other people's cars in order to hang out with me so, we don't get to spend ad much time together as either of us would like and here in lies my problem. I understand that Mysterious Ex can't get around like he used to and 99% of the time that I call him he is home but, it is still irritating. I think I have been very patient but I'm at the point where I want to tell him, "give me a call when you get your truck back". I know that is a mena thing to think or say but, I can't help it. Regardless of the circumstances around why things are basically the same, things are basically the same. I am being patient, I am trying to be a "good" girlfriend but, it's difficult. I have already put over a year of my time and effort into this relationship and I don't want to end it over something foolish but, I don't want to just be left in limbo either. Maybe I am being selfish (I don't think I am), maybe I'm being impatient, but I can't help it, I'm tiredof sitting here day after day, I'm tired of sleeping along night after night, I'm tired of not having a "real" boyfriend. In the days before his car accident, I used to think that M.E. was running the streets with other women and that was the reason we could never see on another, I always thought he used work and self employment as an excuse. I don't want to be a mean and selfish person but I'm tired. I said I would give our relationship a month and then I would move on if it did not work. It's been more than a month and though I do understand the circumstances and the situation, it still very much feels the same.
6.08.2005
Oh My , My, My
Eaten for today:
Breakfast: Cap'n Crunch (no more Frosted Flakes) The Heavenly One thinks I should only buy Frosted Flakes, therefore, I wouldn't really run out of them. Sad to admit, but I never thought of that.
Lunch: Salami and Cheese on crackers
Dinner: I am making a chicken, andouille sausage, shrimp and vegetable stew, it smells really good so I hope it will be
Hours on Phone: about 2
Resumes: 2 so far (still looking to see if I get anything better)
Exercise: 2 hours of yard work, in the hot sun none the less
Bought: some john Irving books on ebay, 5 for $1.50, I love Ebay
It is hot, hot, hot in the city. Just a short time ago it was freezing now, God it's hot. Most of my tomato plants died in the cold so I will have to go the Home Depot and get some new ones. I was looking very forward to growing my own varieties from seed but I guess that isn't going to happen now.
Mysteriuos Ex called me very early this morning to check in on me, he thought I sounded sad when we last spoke. I am so conflicted over my feelings for him. One day he gets on my nerves like no one's business and the next day, I'm all "God I love him". I'm such a f--king nut.
Along withmy stew, I'm baking a bread from a recipe that Gwendolyn Oblivion gave me, (thanks Gwen) hope I don't screw it up too much.
Today, the lawyer (New Guy) emailed me. Here goes, (oh and get this, the subject line was "Shame", oh please):
I write with great shame and pain, I must however apoligize to you for the way you must have felt. I am not as bad a person and an "asshole" as you think, yet; I very much understand the umbrage that you feel and how vile and banal you must have thought I was. Indeed I am sorry for causing any ill-feeling.
I am but a mere mortal struggling with my own demons. I tried to tell you about my situation, but my own insecurities took the better part of me, and convinced me that I would work through my demons wthout telling you. That was poor judgement and it has nothing to do with the way I think and feel about you. I like you very much, still like you very much and have never ceased thinking about you. I am convinced that you must place me in the same category as the devil's incarnate, while I am certainly not, I again understandably accept with shame and regret your bruised emotions. I know I will look to your face again and apologize and explain in fuller details. I do understand. Remember, the dry bones shall live again.
Fondly,
the asshole (well, I signed the asshole, not him)
This was my response to him:
You do not need to apologize, my feelings are not bruised, you give yourself way too much importance. What occurred between us was not that serious nor that life shattering. The one and only person you need to apologize to is your wife for she is the person that you have hurt, she is the one that you made vows to. To place the blame on what you did as "struggling with your own demons" is nothing but a cowardly cop out. You are a grown man fully capable and aware of your actions. The blame should not be placed on your demons but on yourself. Your wife sounds like a wonderful and beautiful woman, you should be ashamed of yourself to put her through the embarrassment of having to speak to another woman that you were "involved" with. I hope that you are able to rectify your actions before you lose someone who has committed herself to you.
And, whether you want to admit it or not, you are an asshole. You're not very much of a person either but your actions rest on your head and your head only. You have to look yourself in the face everyday knowing that you are a deceitful, conniving liar and that can in no way feel good.
Take care
My Name
Could you imagine his "I still like you" bit, am I 16 and stupid? I mean come on, does he think I'm all "oh, he still likes me, what joy", stupid idiot, men really will try anything. As Gwen so eloquently put it, "here's to hoping he dies alone". Truer more thoughtful words have never been spoken.
So, this morning when Mysterious Ex called me, I asked him, How are you feeling? His answer was, and I quote, "I don't know, just feeling a little blah". What the fuck, my crazy little mind was racing, did he read my blog? Did he find it? I mean, I've given out enough information with the exception of our names that he would have to be a complete idiot to not recognize us in this thing. I obssessed over it for at leat an hour before I let it go. Then I had to think, did I get the "blah" thing from Mysterious Ex or is that something I've been saying for a while and now he just happens to say it too? Is it a very common thing to say to someone, "I'm feeling blah"? My God, I'm so scared, kind of. I mean, M.E. is no slouch when it comes to computer literacy, actually admittedly, the guy is a damned genius it would really not take much for him to find this, all he would have to do is google my screen name. Am I the only nut who googles peoples screen names? How many people do this? See, there I go being crazy again. Whenever someone posts a comment, I'm thinking it's going to be him saying "found it bitch, you're busted!" Even though I know Mysterious Ex would never do such a thing, he doesn't speak that way, especially to me, I am the potty mouth in this relationship. Ah well, I guess those are the pains of posting ones personal business on a forum available to EVERYBODY. If you are reading this and you think you are Mysterious Ex, believe me, you're not.
Breakfast: Cap'n Crunch (no more Frosted Flakes) The Heavenly One thinks I should only buy Frosted Flakes, therefore, I wouldn't really run out of them. Sad to admit, but I never thought of that.
Lunch: Salami and Cheese on crackers
Dinner: I am making a chicken, andouille sausage, shrimp and vegetable stew, it smells really good so I hope it will be
Hours on Phone: about 2
Resumes: 2 so far (still looking to see if I get anything better)
Exercise: 2 hours of yard work, in the hot sun none the less
Bought: some john Irving books on ebay, 5 for $1.50, I love Ebay
It is hot, hot, hot in the city. Just a short time ago it was freezing now, God it's hot. Most of my tomato plants died in the cold so I will have to go the Home Depot and get some new ones. I was looking very forward to growing my own varieties from seed but I guess that isn't going to happen now.
Mysteriuos Ex called me very early this morning to check in on me, he thought I sounded sad when we last spoke. I am so conflicted over my feelings for him. One day he gets on my nerves like no one's business and the next day, I'm all "God I love him". I'm such a f--king nut.
Along withmy stew, I'm baking a bread from a recipe that Gwendolyn Oblivion gave me, (thanks Gwen) hope I don't screw it up too much.
Today, the lawyer (New Guy) emailed me. Here goes, (oh and get this, the subject line was "Shame", oh please):
I write with great shame and pain, I must however apoligize to you for the way you must have felt. I am not as bad a person and an "asshole" as you think, yet; I very much understand the umbrage that you feel and how vile and banal you must have thought I was. Indeed I am sorry for causing any ill-feeling.
I am but a mere mortal struggling with my own demons. I tried to tell you about my situation, but my own insecurities took the better part of me, and convinced me that I would work through my demons wthout telling you. That was poor judgement and it has nothing to do with the way I think and feel about you. I like you very much, still like you very much and have never ceased thinking about you. I am convinced that you must place me in the same category as the devil's incarnate, while I am certainly not, I again understandably accept with shame and regret your bruised emotions. I know I will look to your face again and apologize and explain in fuller details. I do understand. Remember, the dry bones shall live again.
Fondly,
the asshole (well, I signed the asshole, not him)
This was my response to him:
You do not need to apologize, my feelings are not bruised, you give yourself way too much importance. What occurred between us was not that serious nor that life shattering. The one and only person you need to apologize to is your wife for she is the person that you have hurt, she is the one that you made vows to. To place the blame on what you did as "struggling with your own demons" is nothing but a cowardly cop out. You are a grown man fully capable and aware of your actions. The blame should not be placed on your demons but on yourself. Your wife sounds like a wonderful and beautiful woman, you should be ashamed of yourself to put her through the embarrassment of having to speak to another woman that you were "involved" with. I hope that you are able to rectify your actions before you lose someone who has committed herself to you.
And, whether you want to admit it or not, you are an asshole. You're not very much of a person either but your actions rest on your head and your head only. You have to look yourself in the face everyday knowing that you are a deceitful, conniving liar and that can in no way feel good.
Take care
My Name
Could you imagine his "I still like you" bit, am I 16 and stupid? I mean come on, does he think I'm all "oh, he still likes me, what joy", stupid idiot, men really will try anything. As Gwen so eloquently put it, "here's to hoping he dies alone". Truer more thoughtful words have never been spoken.
So, this morning when Mysterious Ex called me, I asked him, How are you feeling? His answer was, and I quote, "I don't know, just feeling a little blah". What the fuck, my crazy little mind was racing, did he read my blog? Did he find it? I mean, I've given out enough information with the exception of our names that he would have to be a complete idiot to not recognize us in this thing. I obssessed over it for at leat an hour before I let it go. Then I had to think, did I get the "blah" thing from Mysterious Ex or is that something I've been saying for a while and now he just happens to say it too? Is it a very common thing to say to someone, "I'm feeling blah"? My God, I'm so scared, kind of. I mean, M.E. is no slouch when it comes to computer literacy, actually admittedly, the guy is a damned genius it would really not take much for him to find this, all he would have to do is google my screen name. Am I the only nut who googles peoples screen names? How many people do this? See, there I go being crazy again. Whenever someone posts a comment, I'm thinking it's going to be him saying "found it bitch, you're busted!" Even though I know Mysterious Ex would never do such a thing, he doesn't speak that way, especially to me, I am the potty mouth in this relationship. Ah well, I guess those are the pains of posting ones personal business on a forum available to EVERYBODY. If you are reading this and you think you are Mysterious Ex, believe me, you're not.
6.06.2005
My Feelings of Malcontent Continue
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: grapes, banana, orange juice
Lunch: seafood gumbo (made by my brother)
Snack: Pear, lots of water
Dinner: Haven't eaten dinner yet but thinking of popcorn, ice cream, donuts and possible some cookies, it isn't right but it's just one of those days dammit
Exercise: none officially but, I did walk up some giant hill, twice
Hours on Phone: Less than 1, haven't been home that long
Resumes: none, though I'll probably send off a few before the day is over
Bought: a taxi ride back and forth (it was crazy hot today)
Thanks to The Ming and of course to my dear Gwen (not that Ming is not dear, I love her too) for the great advice, you girls put a great big smile on my face, ah someone cares.
I was offered another job today. Isn't that always the way? No job = no job offers. Job = Lots of job offers. It's a great school, even better than the first school but, it's so far from my house. I would have to travel like a hour and a half just to get their. Boy, I'm not sure if I am up to that.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today though truthfully, I didn't want to. I was going to just ignore him (he has done this to me in the past, I know, I'm stupid) but, I figured at the very least, I should speak to him. I wanted to say M.E. this isn't working. I'm not happy, things aren't going the way I want them to go, I think we should stop, I can't do this anymore. Instead, our conversation went more along the lines of:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, (or whatever it was he was saying).
Me:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, radio, blah, computer, blah, not feeling well, blah.
Me:
Mysterious Ex: What wrong MY NAME?
Me: Nothing.
Mysterious Ex: Yes there is, what's wrong, tell me
Me: Nothing really, I'm okay
Mysterious Ex: What's wrong, why don't you tell me? Are you sick, tired, bothered, what's wrong?
Me: Nothing
Mysterious Ex: I'm going to go to my brother's house, are you sure you are okay? I'll call you later
Me: Okay
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye
Me: Be careful, bye
The phone then rings again.
Me: Hello
Mysterious Ex: Are you sure you're okay
Me: Yes, good bye.
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye.
I am not entirely sure what is wrong. I have this feeling of what can only be described as blah. I don't know if it's because of Mysterious Ex or if he is just adding to it. I'm not sure if we are on the right track. I know that when we were apart, I was so sad, my heart hurt so much, that isn't something that normally happens with me. Usually I break up today and in at least a week, I am okay again. So, I think I love him. I'm realizing now that the whole New Guy thing wasn't so much confusing as it was a distraction from my relationship with M.E. Am I feeling this way because we are supposedly serious and I am scared? If we are supposed to be serious, why do I feel our relationship is so crappy? Do I think it's crappy because that's the way I'm making it out to be? Are things really okay between us but I'm making it seem un - okay? If I am, what kind of sick shit is that? I think I won't speak to him for a few days, just to clear things out, just to have a better understanding of my feelings. I mean, we fought so hard to get back together, I'm sure that wasn't done just for the hell of it. I know that he loves me, I know that he cares for me. I also know that somthing is bothering me. Again, I'm not sure of what I should do.
I'm going to hang out with The Heavenly One now. She has all of the junk food I wanted for dinner at her house.
Breakfast: grapes, banana, orange juice
Lunch: seafood gumbo (made by my brother)
Snack: Pear, lots of water
Dinner: Haven't eaten dinner yet but thinking of popcorn, ice cream, donuts and possible some cookies, it isn't right but it's just one of those days dammit
Exercise: none officially but, I did walk up some giant hill, twice
Hours on Phone: Less than 1, haven't been home that long
Resumes: none, though I'll probably send off a few before the day is over
Bought: a taxi ride back and forth (it was crazy hot today)
Thanks to The Ming and of course to my dear Gwen (not that Ming is not dear, I love her too) for the great advice, you girls put a great big smile on my face, ah someone cares.
I was offered another job today. Isn't that always the way? No job = no job offers. Job = Lots of job offers. It's a great school, even better than the first school but, it's so far from my house. I would have to travel like a hour and a half just to get their. Boy, I'm not sure if I am up to that.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today though truthfully, I didn't want to. I was going to just ignore him (he has done this to me in the past, I know, I'm stupid) but, I figured at the very least, I should speak to him. I wanted to say M.E. this isn't working. I'm not happy, things aren't going the way I want them to go, I think we should stop, I can't do this anymore. Instead, our conversation went more along the lines of:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, (or whatever it was he was saying).
Me:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, radio, blah, computer, blah, not feeling well, blah.
Me:
Mysterious Ex: What wrong MY NAME?
Me: Nothing.
Mysterious Ex: Yes there is, what's wrong, tell me
Me: Nothing really, I'm okay
Mysterious Ex: What's wrong, why don't you tell me? Are you sick, tired, bothered, what's wrong?
Me: Nothing
Mysterious Ex: I'm going to go to my brother's house, are you sure you are okay? I'll call you later
Me: Okay
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye
Me: Be careful, bye
The phone then rings again.
Me: Hello
Mysterious Ex: Are you sure you're okay
Me: Yes, good bye.
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye.
I am not entirely sure what is wrong. I have this feeling of what can only be described as blah. I don't know if it's because of Mysterious Ex or if he is just adding to it. I'm not sure if we are on the right track. I know that when we were apart, I was so sad, my heart hurt so much, that isn't something that normally happens with me. Usually I break up today and in at least a week, I am okay again. So, I think I love him. I'm realizing now that the whole New Guy thing wasn't so much confusing as it was a distraction from my relationship with M.E. Am I feeling this way because we are supposedly serious and I am scared? If we are supposed to be serious, why do I feel our relationship is so crappy? Do I think it's crappy because that's the way I'm making it out to be? Are things really okay between us but I'm making it seem un - okay? If I am, what kind of sick shit is that? I think I won't speak to him for a few days, just to clear things out, just to have a better understanding of my feelings. I mean, we fought so hard to get back together, I'm sure that wasn't done just for the hell of it. I know that he loves me, I know that he cares for me. I also know that somthing is bothering me. Again, I'm not sure of what I should do.
I'm going to hang out with The Heavenly One now. She has all of the junk food I wanted for dinner at her house.
6.05.2005
pick a title, any title at all
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 2 cake donuts and hazelnut coffee
Lunch: Popcorn
Dinner: Salami and Cheese on Crackers
Hours on Phone: about 1 read all day
Resumes: none, I have two interviews tomorrow (don't want to go to either one. I have a job but am still looking)
Exercise: none
Bought: nothing
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! That is how I feel today. I want to cry, but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because I guess the feeling hasn't gotten that bleak as of yet. Went to visit The Heavenly One this morning but high tailed it out of there when she started complaining about Sam and I scratching up her newly polished living room table even though I just SAT on the the couch and didn't even look at the table. She can be so weird sometimes. She called me later to aplologize and ask me to have dinner with her but, I just took Sam over to play with Delilah (my mom's dog) and came back home. I told Mysterious Ex I was going out with my cousin T today. Just feeling very sad and not much in the mood for talking or hanging out.
I am not sure what I should do. I've been thinking all day long. Thinking about all sorts of things. How I will be 28 in a few short months, and I am no where near where I thought I would be. How I don't really want to go back to graduate school and I don't want to be a school prinicipal but, how I have to do something because I don't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I've been thinking about my dead end relationship and how I should really get out of it. I've been thinking about how the first three months of this year were so terrible because Mysterious Ex and I weren't speaking and how happy I was when he called me after all of that time. I'm thinking about how I always have advice for other people, but I can never seem to get my own life together. I'm thinking about how everyone thinks I have shit pulled together and how I'm actually a big mess. I'm thinking about how Mysterious Ex might come across this blog and recognize it's me and how he'll find out about New Guy and all the shit I really think about him. I'm thinking about why I am afraid of telling M.E. to fuck off and how I am so afraid of not being able to be with him though admittedly, our relationship basically sucks. I'm thinking about how I have to be so frugal this summer because I won't actually have an income until September and how that isn't exactly true because it always takes a few weeks before your name is officially in payroll. I'm thinking about how I can get to this age, pop all of the shit I pop, yet still be too afraid to stand p for myself. I'm thinking about how I feel weak when the only thing I want to do is be strong. I'm thinking about why I even have to play this strong woman bullshit and why I just can't be myself. I'm thinking about leaving New York, starting over somewhere else and possibly having a better life. I'm thinking about how my horoscope today said that tomorrow will be the start of a great new state in my relationship, a stage filled with committment or a whole new relationship. I'm thinkiing aboout going on a crazy high school type crash diet because I have gotten way too fat. I'm thinking about why I've holed myself up in the house all day, and why I feel so bad about dating soemone else when Mysterious Ex is not fulfilling my relationship needs. I'm thinking about how I am always last to him and how I send him the message that it is okay because I am always here for him. I'm thinking about all the promises he made me this time around and how only a few of them have come into fruition. I wonder if I am wasting my life, if I am wasting my time, if I am keeping myself from a greater destiny. I'm wondering if it's time to move on, if it's time to seek something else, if it's time to turn lose. I'm thinking I wish the tears would just come so that I can get rid of this sad feeling, this slow, tired, unwanting feeling in my chest. I don't know what to do.
Breakfast: 2 cake donuts and hazelnut coffee
Lunch: Popcorn
Dinner: Salami and Cheese on Crackers
Hours on Phone: about 1 read all day
Resumes: none, I have two interviews tomorrow (don't want to go to either one. I have a job but am still looking)
Exercise: none
Bought: nothing
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! That is how I feel today. I want to cry, but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because I guess the feeling hasn't gotten that bleak as of yet. Went to visit The Heavenly One this morning but high tailed it out of there when she started complaining about Sam and I scratching up her newly polished living room table even though I just SAT on the the couch and didn't even look at the table. She can be so weird sometimes. She called me later to aplologize and ask me to have dinner with her but, I just took Sam over to play with Delilah (my mom's dog) and came back home. I told Mysterious Ex I was going out with my cousin T today. Just feeling very sad and not much in the mood for talking or hanging out.
I am not sure what I should do. I've been thinking all day long. Thinking about all sorts of things. How I will be 28 in a few short months, and I am no where near where I thought I would be. How I don't really want to go back to graduate school and I don't want to be a school prinicipal but, how I have to do something because I don't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I've been thinking about my dead end relationship and how I should really get out of it. I've been thinking about how the first three months of this year were so terrible because Mysterious Ex and I weren't speaking and how happy I was when he called me after all of that time. I'm thinking about how I always have advice for other people, but I can never seem to get my own life together. I'm thinking about how everyone thinks I have shit pulled together and how I'm actually a big mess. I'm thinking about how Mysterious Ex might come across this blog and recognize it's me and how he'll find out about New Guy and all the shit I really think about him. I'm thinking about why I am afraid of telling M.E. to fuck off and how I am so afraid of not being able to be with him though admittedly, our relationship basically sucks. I'm thinking about how I have to be so frugal this summer because I won't actually have an income until September and how that isn't exactly true because it always takes a few weeks before your name is officially in payroll. I'm thinking about how I can get to this age, pop all of the shit I pop, yet still be too afraid to stand p for myself. I'm thinking about how I feel weak when the only thing I want to do is be strong. I'm thinking about why I even have to play this strong woman bullshit and why I just can't be myself. I'm thinking about leaving New York, starting over somewhere else and possibly having a better life. I'm thinking about how my horoscope today said that tomorrow will be the start of a great new state in my relationship, a stage filled with committment or a whole new relationship. I'm thinkiing aboout going on a crazy high school type crash diet because I have gotten way too fat. I'm thinking about why I've holed myself up in the house all day, and why I feel so bad about dating soemone else when Mysterious Ex is not fulfilling my relationship needs. I'm thinking about how I am always last to him and how I send him the message that it is okay because I am always here for him. I'm thinking about all the promises he made me this time around and how only a few of them have come into fruition. I wonder if I am wasting my life, if I am wasting my time, if I am keeping myself from a greater destiny. I'm wondering if it's time to move on, if it's time to seek something else, if it's time to turn lose. I'm thinking I wish the tears would just come so that I can get rid of this sad feeling, this slow, tired, unwanting feeling in my chest. I don't know what to do.
Okay, so here I am at the age of 27 and I can honestly say that I have never truly had a real adult relationship. Sure, I've had boyfriends, I think I have one now but, I can honestly say that none of the relationships that I have been apart of have been these true adult type dating situations. I have many friends who have had the same experience, I have friends who haven't. I sometimes wonder is it because I am Black and the majority of men I am datin are also Black? I mean, I am not dating the stereotypical Black guy that our media so loves to portray, funny thing is, I don't run into that type of guy too often, are there less of them around than others would have you believe or is it just the type of guy that I am attracted to/who is attracted to me? I read all of these articles in Essence, Honey, etc. that say how there are fewer and fewer Black men to go around, that "The Black Woman" is leaving "The Black Man" behind in droves both financially, socially and education wise. THe last few guys that I have dated have been Black, they have all been educated, no children and single (or at least I thought so in the case of New Guy) but, they have still been assholes. I mean, what gives? Is it just that men in general are assholes or is this something that is concentrated to Black guys? Many of my White friends or friends of a different race, Latino, Asian, European (not to say that they are not White but, not American) are in relationships if that is where they choose to be. Their relationships tend to be okay to average or they are engaged or married or at least have a long term living together situation. Yet, all of my Black friends seem to have this same problem, lack of committment or even a decent relationship when dating Black men. I don't want to be down or racist but basically what the fuck is up with Black guys? I mean, even my friends who are not Black but date Black men seem to be having problems. It isn't something that I am going to make a blanket statement about because both my brothers are obviously Black and they are good men, the majority of my male cousins are Black and I can honestly say that they are good guys too, my two best male friends are Black and great guys so I know they are out there, it's just that I and almost every other woman I know seems to have a hard time finding them.
Last year, my cousin T and I went to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company. The crowd was fully intergrated but, there was a huge group missing, straight Black Men. There were White Women with White Men, there were White Women with Asian Men, their were Asian Women with Asian Men and Asian Women with White Men, there were people of no identifiable race with one another, there were Gay Black Men with Gay Black Men, there were Black Women with WHITE MEN and then there were Black Women with..... BLACK WOMEN (my cousin and I included). What is up with this? Whenever I go anywhere, there is the same thing. Sure, you see Black Men and Women together but overwhelmingly, there are Black Women in a group or with another Woman as a "date". Every school year, teachers have a end of the year party and it is the same thing. All of the female teachers have their spouses, as do all of the male teachers, but the young Black teachers are always sitting together, basically dateless (I am among this crowd). So, what gives?
I mean, even when these men are educated, well bred, and seem to have themselves and their lives together (at leat externally), there always seems to be some problem just lurking beneath the surface, waiting to fuck any semblance of a good relationship up. I can truthfully say that all of my friends are very decent, well educated, hard working, ambitious good women. So why is it such a trial to find a man to compliment them? I have dated outside of my race and while I don't have anything against other cultures, I sometimes feel that it is my duty as a Black Woman to meet, marry and reproduce with a Black Man. There is something, I have no idea what, that tells me I must have Black babies, that I must live this life as a woman strong and dedicated to her culture, her race. I kind of see it as my duty to do what my parents did, kind of like a "see, we are not all crackheads and welfare recipients, we have strong family foundations and can compete in this world. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being narrow minded. I am not sure. Am I trying to live a real life Cosby Show? I don't think so because I've seen it. All of my aunts and uncles from both my parents lived this life. I was raised in a "Cosby" home. I know many others who did also. But why does it seem so unattainable?
I asked The Heavenly One, how do you know when there is love? How do you know when you can stop looking and say, this is it? I've found it and I don't have to look any further? She tells me, "You just know, you just do. I can't tell you this is it, you've got it, that's something you just have to figure out for yourself". I look at my parents, who had this great relationship until my dad died and I think, how did they get that? How did they know this is it? What does "it" feel like? I once thought I had it, I was set to be married and the whole shebang. But, when I stepped back from it, I realized how unhappy I was but the sick thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was unhappy. I know that is not it, I know that there shouldn't be this helpless melancholy attachment to love but I also know it isn't cherries and sprinkles all of the time either.
Last year I went to visit my sister and her husband who in my opinion have the strongest marriage other than my parents that I ever seen and I asked them, "how did you guys do this"? Their story was so simple, he told me he had given up on meeting anyone, (mind you he was like 25 at the time) and he had just resigned himself to living life as a bachelor. She had just started at his job as an office assistant and there she was. They became friends, which they stayed for about a year and then they got married. They have been married for like 25 years and they together are amazing. I swear this is true and anyone who knows them says the same thing, love just radiates off of them. When they look at each other, you can just tell they love the hell out of each other. That was how my parents were, even if they were arguing you could just feel this energy around them, it was weird. I guess growing up with that I feel that that is what love is supposed to be, this continuing thing, not really like passion or ecstasy but this thing so strong you just want to baske in it all day, you want to touch it. Especailly after I moved out of their house, I loved to visit my parents because something as simple as having lunch with them was this pleasant experience. When my parents were in the same room, my heart felt literally as though it were going to burst, there was all of this energy flying around the room, it was weird.
So I ask, is this a generational thing? Are Black men now a days so wrapped up in the moment of machismo or trying to be "hard" that they cannot submit to a woman? Is it an uncool thing to do, to admit that one is in love, to want to settle down, to want to act decently towards a woman? Is it beacuse we've grown to this point where we feel as though we don't need one another, since there is no longer a strict and defined "Black Community" as in times of segregation where we had to be united in order to make it in this world? What is it? Because I'd truly like to know. I don't even date men my own age (usually the people I date are at least 5 years older than me and many times much more than just five years) and it is still something that I run across. I know two women, both in their thirties, both well educated with great careers and a lot to offer who have decided to have children on their own, no longer waiting for "that guy" to come along. I myself, no longer being reproductively young (let's face it, I only have like a good 8 - 10 years of breeding) have set aside a plan for single parenting. It isn't that I don't want to be married or have that life but, who am I going to do that with? The older I get, the smaller the pool of men that are available to me seem to get. Even Mysterious Ex who I think is a great guy, and who is for the record, 7 years older than me, does not now at this moment or even anywhere in the near future seem as though someone I would marry. Love him or not, I must admit that I don't see him as being ready for that type of life for a variety of reasons. I mean, this is the first time in our knowing one another that we have gone this long without not talking to one another or having some type of huge thing, (and truth be told, our relationship still is not what I feel it should be at this stage of our knowing one another, we should have been here a year ago).
So, what are my options? What do I do? I do realize quite often that I am not being fair to myself, that I am selling myself short by being apart of something that I can honestly say I don't truly see coming to pass as I would like. I mean, I can say from my heart that what M.E. and I have is not solid, that it is not a true relationship, that I don't even feel as though I am truly apart of his life, it's harsh, but it's true, ideally, it is not what I would choose to be apart of. I've been in this place for over a year now. I'm still asking the same questions I was asking this time last year with no definitive answers. Logically I know what I should do. But when has logic ever had a place in matters of the heart? And, what does that say about me, staying apart of something that I know in my heart is not right? What am I doing to myself, and why do I feel as though such a small relationship is good enough for me?
Last year, my cousin T and I went to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company. The crowd was fully intergrated but, there was a huge group missing, straight Black Men. There were White Women with White Men, there were White Women with Asian Men, their were Asian Women with Asian Men and Asian Women with White Men, there were people of no identifiable race with one another, there were Gay Black Men with Gay Black Men, there were Black Women with WHITE MEN and then there were Black Women with..... BLACK WOMEN (my cousin and I included). What is up with this? Whenever I go anywhere, there is the same thing. Sure, you see Black Men and Women together but overwhelmingly, there are Black Women in a group or with another Woman as a "date". Every school year, teachers have a end of the year party and it is the same thing. All of the female teachers have their spouses, as do all of the male teachers, but the young Black teachers are always sitting together, basically dateless (I am among this crowd). So, what gives?
I mean, even when these men are educated, well bred, and seem to have themselves and their lives together (at leat externally), there always seems to be some problem just lurking beneath the surface, waiting to fuck any semblance of a good relationship up. I can truthfully say that all of my friends are very decent, well educated, hard working, ambitious good women. So why is it such a trial to find a man to compliment them? I have dated outside of my race and while I don't have anything against other cultures, I sometimes feel that it is my duty as a Black Woman to meet, marry and reproduce with a Black Man. There is something, I have no idea what, that tells me I must have Black babies, that I must live this life as a woman strong and dedicated to her culture, her race. I kind of see it as my duty to do what my parents did, kind of like a "see, we are not all crackheads and welfare recipients, we have strong family foundations and can compete in this world. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being narrow minded. I am not sure. Am I trying to live a real life Cosby Show? I don't think so because I've seen it. All of my aunts and uncles from both my parents lived this life. I was raised in a "Cosby" home. I know many others who did also. But why does it seem so unattainable?
I asked The Heavenly One, how do you know when there is love? How do you know when you can stop looking and say, this is it? I've found it and I don't have to look any further? She tells me, "You just know, you just do. I can't tell you this is it, you've got it, that's something you just have to figure out for yourself". I look at my parents, who had this great relationship until my dad died and I think, how did they get that? How did they know this is it? What does "it" feel like? I once thought I had it, I was set to be married and the whole shebang. But, when I stepped back from it, I realized how unhappy I was but the sick thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was unhappy. I know that is not it, I know that there shouldn't be this helpless melancholy attachment to love but I also know it isn't cherries and sprinkles all of the time either.
Last year I went to visit my sister and her husband who in my opinion have the strongest marriage other than my parents that I ever seen and I asked them, "how did you guys do this"? Their story was so simple, he told me he had given up on meeting anyone, (mind you he was like 25 at the time) and he had just resigned himself to living life as a bachelor. She had just started at his job as an office assistant and there she was. They became friends, which they stayed for about a year and then they got married. They have been married for like 25 years and they together are amazing. I swear this is true and anyone who knows them says the same thing, love just radiates off of them. When they look at each other, you can just tell they love the hell out of each other. That was how my parents were, even if they were arguing you could just feel this energy around them, it was weird. I guess growing up with that I feel that that is what love is supposed to be, this continuing thing, not really like passion or ecstasy but this thing so strong you just want to baske in it all day, you want to touch it. Especailly after I moved out of their house, I loved to visit my parents because something as simple as having lunch with them was this pleasant experience. When my parents were in the same room, my heart felt literally as though it were going to burst, there was all of this energy flying around the room, it was weird.
So I ask, is this a generational thing? Are Black men now a days so wrapped up in the moment of machismo or trying to be "hard" that they cannot submit to a woman? Is it an uncool thing to do, to admit that one is in love, to want to settle down, to want to act decently towards a woman? Is it beacuse we've grown to this point where we feel as though we don't need one another, since there is no longer a strict and defined "Black Community" as in times of segregation where we had to be united in order to make it in this world? What is it? Because I'd truly like to know. I don't even date men my own age (usually the people I date are at least 5 years older than me and many times much more than just five years) and it is still something that I run across. I know two women, both in their thirties, both well educated with great careers and a lot to offer who have decided to have children on their own, no longer waiting for "that guy" to come along. I myself, no longer being reproductively young (let's face it, I only have like a good 8 - 10 years of breeding) have set aside a plan for single parenting. It isn't that I don't want to be married or have that life but, who am I going to do that with? The older I get, the smaller the pool of men that are available to me seem to get. Even Mysterious Ex who I think is a great guy, and who is for the record, 7 years older than me, does not now at this moment or even anywhere in the near future seem as though someone I would marry. Love him or not, I must admit that I don't see him as being ready for that type of life for a variety of reasons. I mean, this is the first time in our knowing one another that we have gone this long without not talking to one another or having some type of huge thing, (and truth be told, our relationship still is not what I feel it should be at this stage of our knowing one another, we should have been here a year ago).
So, what are my options? What do I do? I do realize quite often that I am not being fair to myself, that I am selling myself short by being apart of something that I can honestly say I don't truly see coming to pass as I would like. I mean, I can say from my heart that what M.E. and I have is not solid, that it is not a true relationship, that I don't even feel as though I am truly apart of his life, it's harsh, but it's true, ideally, it is not what I would choose to be apart of. I've been in this place for over a year now. I'm still asking the same questions I was asking this time last year with no definitive answers. Logically I know what I should do. But when has logic ever had a place in matters of the heart? And, what does that say about me, staying apart of something that I know in my heart is not right? What am I doing to myself, and why do I feel as though such a small relationship is good enough for me?
6.04.2005
Meningitis, Hepatitis and the Monster
Eaten Today
Breakfast: oatmeal peanut butter honey cookies
lunch: salami and cheese on crackers
snack: oatmeal peanut butter honey cookies
dinner: popcorn and orange juice
resumes: none
exercise: managed about a half hour or so of yoga
bought: nada
hours on phone: less than two
God! I have had the most awful jaw/head pain all day. It actually started yesterday or maybe the day before but today, it is just plain irritating. I am not sure why I even have this pain. It isn't as though I go around chomping on bones or other hard edible matter. Actually, for at least the last two days, I have been gorging myself on oatmeal peanut butter honey cookies, popcorn and my main staple, Frosted Flakes. I took some asprin and laid down for a bit but, I am still in some pain. Being a crazy hypochondriac, I think I have meningitis or some other brain affecting disease. I have two interviews on Monday so I am definitely going to the doctor on Tuesday morning.
Mysterious Ex has not been feeling well lately. He says his stomach and side hurts and he's been complaining of joint pain. He went to the doctor earlier this week and his doctor ran some tests so he tells me today,
Mysterious Ex: my doctor says what he expected came out negative
Me (feeling quite nervous): what was your doctor expecting?
Mysterious Ex: he says it was more than likely not going to be that serious but he tested for hepatitis
Me: ewwwww, you have hepatitis? (I'm allowed to act stupid from time to time)
Mysterious Ex: Nooo, he said he wasn't expecting it and it came out negative
Me: So what's wrong with you?
Mysterious Ex: he's not sure, he wants to do a few more tests
Me: (thinking not saying) ewwwww, note to self, no more sex with M.E., and going to have complete blood work up done yet again
What is wrong with me? Why do I do this? If Mysterious Ex has a cold, I think automatically that he has AIDS or at the very least some other uncurable sexually transmitted disease. I should be very supportive saying "oh, it will be okay honey, I'm sure it's nothing" that is what a good girlfriend would do but me being the sicky I am, is thinking "oh God, I hope he hasn't given me anything, I wonder if flu can go through condoms" I'm so ashamed.
When I mentioned the jaw/head ache thing to The Heavenly One, she straight away was all, "do you want to go to the emergency room?" "are you hurting now?". She then called me at least once every hour to check up on me. I told her, "mommy, at least give me a chance to die before you call again". Needless to say she didn't think that was funny. I'm tired, between getting my hair done, fighting off my "illness" and worrying about my impending Mysterious Ex induced death, I'm beat.
Breakfast: oatmeal peanut butter honey cookies
lunch: salami and cheese on crackers
snack: oatmeal peanut butter honey cookies
dinner: popcorn and orange juice
resumes: none
exercise: managed about a half hour or so of yoga
bought: nada
hours on phone: less than two
God! I have had the most awful jaw/head pain all day. It actually started yesterday or maybe the day before but today, it is just plain irritating. I am not sure why I even have this pain. It isn't as though I go around chomping on bones or other hard edible matter. Actually, for at least the last two days, I have been gorging myself on oatmeal peanut butter honey cookies, popcorn and my main staple, Frosted Flakes. I took some asprin and laid down for a bit but, I am still in some pain. Being a crazy hypochondriac, I think I have meningitis or some other brain affecting disease. I have two interviews on Monday so I am definitely going to the doctor on Tuesday morning.
Mysterious Ex has not been feeling well lately. He says his stomach and side hurts and he's been complaining of joint pain. He went to the doctor earlier this week and his doctor ran some tests so he tells me today,
Mysterious Ex: my doctor says what he expected came out negative
Me (feeling quite nervous): what was your doctor expecting?
Mysterious Ex: he says it was more than likely not going to be that serious but he tested for hepatitis
Me: ewwwww, you have hepatitis? (I'm allowed to act stupid from time to time)
Mysterious Ex: Nooo, he said he wasn't expecting it and it came out negative
Me: So what's wrong with you?
Mysterious Ex: he's not sure, he wants to do a few more tests
Me: (thinking not saying) ewwwww, note to self, no more sex with M.E., and going to have complete blood work up done yet again
What is wrong with me? Why do I do this? If Mysterious Ex has a cold, I think automatically that he has AIDS or at the very least some other uncurable sexually transmitted disease. I should be very supportive saying "oh, it will be okay honey, I'm sure it's nothing" that is what a good girlfriend would do but me being the sicky I am, is thinking "oh God, I hope he hasn't given me anything, I wonder if flu can go through condoms" I'm so ashamed.
When I mentioned the jaw/head ache thing to The Heavenly One, she straight away was all, "do you want to go to the emergency room?" "are you hurting now?". She then called me at least once every hour to check up on me. I told her, "mommy, at least give me a chance to die before you call again". Needless to say she didn't think that was funny. I'm tired, between getting my hair done, fighting off my "illness" and worrying about my impending Mysterious Ex induced death, I'm beat.
6.03.2005
ai, ai, ai
I wahsed my hair yesterday but didn't blow dry it so now I have this tri - mongous afro sitting on my head. I'll have to wash my hair again so I can blow dry it. I got up at like 2 in the morning to satch Resevoir Dogs, I ate a chef salad while I was doing so. I then realized at about 2:38 that my life was pretty boring. Just a short while ago I would have been up at 2 in the morning shaking my butt or at the very least drinking in some club, but here I was, the highlight of my evening getting up to watch a movie I've already seen and eat. Wow.
I'm realizing without the Mysterious Ex - He whose name shall not be spoked here again conundrum, my life is pretty bland almost blah. Shall I go stir up some type of trouble for excitements sake? I think I'll just try the old and boring route for a minute or two. I gave Sam a bath this morning, he doesn't really like taking baths but, he tolerates them well. I trimmed him a bit, just to get rid of a bit of the length but he jerked and I had to give my baby the most pitifully short and weird looking haircut ever. I am consoled by the fact that it will grow out and as The Heavenly One always says, "it's just hair" but my poor baby, he has to go around looking like who did it and when.
I am waiting for my cousin T to come by, she is supposed to do my hair in this funky curly, crimpy, kind of way. It's already nearly 2 and I told M.E. I should be finished by 4, we'll see. He, Sam and I are supposed to go down to the boardwalk today just to walk around and shoot the shit. I kind of feel bad for all of the New Guy (I know I'm not supposed to say his name but didn't feel like coming up with another substitute, even though writing this proves that I did have time to come up with one) stuff earlier because Mysterious Ex has been so sweet lately. I can see that he's truly making an effort with us and it makes me very happy, I must admit that. At this point we have been together for nearly a year and a half and I can honestly say that this is the first time that I can see that he is making a concerted effort in our relationship. We were on the phone last night talking about whatever so when its time to hang up, I go, "Good night baby, feel better" (because he said he was not feeling well) he tells me, "you too sweetie, I'll talk to you tomorrow" we hung up and right away my phone rings again. I answer it and he goes "I love you, I just wanted to tell you that" I was so suprised, tight lipped Mysterious Ex?! I mean my God, I nick named the man "Mysterious Ex" of all things. So I go, "thank you, I love you too" he then goes, " I mean it, I love you" not knowing what else to say, I let out a rather girly "awwwwwwww!" I nearly had tears in my eyes. Even though I admittedly have been splitting my time with him and maybe have not been giving him the attention he was seeking, We've been back together since April with no major hulabaloo. I know it's only two months but believe me, I was not keeping a blog when he and I were going through it but God knows maybe I should have just for the reference.
I'm realizing without the Mysterious Ex - He whose name shall not be spoked here again conundrum, my life is pretty bland almost blah. Shall I go stir up some type of trouble for excitements sake? I think I'll just try the old and boring route for a minute or two. I gave Sam a bath this morning, he doesn't really like taking baths but, he tolerates them well. I trimmed him a bit, just to get rid of a bit of the length but he jerked and I had to give my baby the most pitifully short and weird looking haircut ever. I am consoled by the fact that it will grow out and as The Heavenly One always says, "it's just hair" but my poor baby, he has to go around looking like who did it and when.
I am waiting for my cousin T to come by, she is supposed to do my hair in this funky curly, crimpy, kind of way. It's already nearly 2 and I told M.E. I should be finished by 4, we'll see. He, Sam and I are supposed to go down to the boardwalk today just to walk around and shoot the shit. I kind of feel bad for all of the New Guy (I know I'm not supposed to say his name but didn't feel like coming up with another substitute, even though writing this proves that I did have time to come up with one) stuff earlier because Mysterious Ex has been so sweet lately. I can see that he's truly making an effort with us and it makes me very happy, I must admit that. At this point we have been together for nearly a year and a half and I can honestly say that this is the first time that I can see that he is making a concerted effort in our relationship. We were on the phone last night talking about whatever so when its time to hang up, I go, "Good night baby, feel better" (because he said he was not feeling well) he tells me, "you too sweetie, I'll talk to you tomorrow" we hung up and right away my phone rings again. I answer it and he goes "I love you, I just wanted to tell you that" I was so suprised, tight lipped Mysterious Ex?! I mean my God, I nick named the man "Mysterious Ex" of all things. So I go, "thank you, I love you too" he then goes, " I mean it, I love you" not knowing what else to say, I let out a rather girly "awwwwwwww!" I nearly had tears in my eyes. Even though I admittedly have been splitting my time with him and maybe have not been giving him the attention he was seeking, We've been back together since April with no major hulabaloo. I know it's only two months but believe me, I was not keeping a blog when he and I were going through it but God knows maybe I should have just for the reference.
6.02.2005
Woooooow!
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Nada
Lunch: popcorn and a pear
Dinner: not sure what I will eat, probably pasta and vegetables
Resumes: none yet
Hours on phone: less than 1/2
Exercise: Walked about four miles today though I didn't wear my pedometor so that may not be right
Bought: Oh My, Big sale at Lane Brayant, got to use my Real Woman Dollars so, I got 465 dollars worth of stuff for 225, that kicks ass!
So, I wake up this morning and sleepily walk into the living room. I pass by my huge mirror, which I hate to pass by, especially in the morning and lo and behold what do I see? My damned clavacle!! I haven't seen this thing in like a year. This is basically how the conversation went, well not actually a converstaion because as we all know, a clavacle can't really speak but you know what I mean:
Me: Wow, bitch, where have you been?! I haven't seen you in like a year.
Clavacle:
Me: (touching the clavacle and admiring it from many angles in the mirror) Wooooow!
Clavacle:
Me: (turning to the side, pushing up my boobs and doing all things clavacle accentuating) Wooooow!
Clavacle:
Me: (pulling my night shirt off my shoulders as to create a more clavacle enhancing neckline) Wooooow!
Clavacle:
So, there. Even though I refuse to actually get on the scale, and I still have to hold my breath to pull up my pants, even though I have to smush my boobies into my bra and I take up more room on the couch, despite the fact that I eat cookies, cakes and ice cream and refuse to really exercise, and despite the fact that I have a little (lets face it, a lot of) tummy hanging around my pants, I can see my clavacle, so there. :P
Goodness, I bought so much stuff today. I was feeling pretty blah since yesterday so waking up this morning and seeing my clavacle then going on my shopping spree really worked wonders for my mood. Sam and I ran around in the park (well actually Sam ran around, I just sat and looked, occassionally getting up to give some other dog mommy a bad look if her big scary dog got too close to my darling baby), then I ate a big bag of popcorn, I dropped by to see The Heavenly One who made me feel terrible for not buying her a big bag of popcorn despite the fact that I NEVER see her eating popcorn and when I offered her some of mine she didn't want any. I then planned on taking a nap but caught up watching Judge Judy which I NEVER watch but which admittedly was very good. I then called Mysterious Ex and had him listen while I worked myself over. All and all a pretty good day.
Since it doesn't get dark until like 8:30 or so now, I said I would go for a walk in a bit but, I don't know if that's going to happen. Maybe I'll just settle for a bit of yoga, if I can muster up enough energy to do that. God I'm lazy.
Breakfast: Nada
Lunch: popcorn and a pear
Dinner: not sure what I will eat, probably pasta and vegetables
Resumes: none yet
Hours on phone: less than 1/2
Exercise: Walked about four miles today though I didn't wear my pedometor so that may not be right
Bought: Oh My, Big sale at Lane Brayant, got to use my Real Woman Dollars so, I got 465 dollars worth of stuff for 225, that kicks ass!
So, I wake up this morning and sleepily walk into the living room. I pass by my huge mirror, which I hate to pass by, especially in the morning and lo and behold what do I see? My damned clavacle!! I haven't seen this thing in like a year. This is basically how the conversation went, well not actually a converstaion because as we all know, a clavacle can't really speak but you know what I mean:
Me: Wow, bitch, where have you been?! I haven't seen you in like a year.
Clavacle:
Me: (touching the clavacle and admiring it from many angles in the mirror) Wooooow!
Clavacle:
Me: (turning to the side, pushing up my boobs and doing all things clavacle accentuating) Wooooow!
Clavacle:
Me: (pulling my night shirt off my shoulders as to create a more clavacle enhancing neckline) Wooooow!
Clavacle:
So, there. Even though I refuse to actually get on the scale, and I still have to hold my breath to pull up my pants, even though I have to smush my boobies into my bra and I take up more room on the couch, despite the fact that I eat cookies, cakes and ice cream and refuse to really exercise, and despite the fact that I have a little (lets face it, a lot of) tummy hanging around my pants, I can see my clavacle, so there. :P
Goodness, I bought so much stuff today. I was feeling pretty blah since yesterday so waking up this morning and seeing my clavacle then going on my shopping spree really worked wonders for my mood. Sam and I ran around in the park (well actually Sam ran around, I just sat and looked, occassionally getting up to give some other dog mommy a bad look if her big scary dog got too close to my darling baby), then I ate a big bag of popcorn, I dropped by to see The Heavenly One who made me feel terrible for not buying her a big bag of popcorn despite the fact that I NEVER see her eating popcorn and when I offered her some of mine she didn't want any. I then planned on taking a nap but caught up watching Judge Judy which I NEVER watch but which admittedly was very good. I then called Mysterious Ex and had him listen while I worked myself over. All and all a pretty good day.
Since it doesn't get dark until like 8:30 or so now, I said I would go for a walk in a bit but, I don't know if that's going to happen. Maybe I'll just settle for a bit of yoga, if I can muster up enough energy to do that. God I'm lazy.
6.01.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Snack: half and pear and half an apple
Lunch: Leftover rice and pork loin with mango chutney
snack: coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Resumes: 1
Hours on Phone: a little less than 2
Exercise: None
Bought: nothing
Today was pretty uneventful, which in light of yesterday believe me, is no complaint at all. Went on an interview for this school in the Bronx. It's a pretty nice school, it just opened last year so it's brand new and full of promise, we'll see. Hung out with Sam today, he's still gassy, not as much as before but still, goodness its bad. Had a slight argument with The Heavenly One who seems to forget from time to time that I am 27 and not 7. Spoke with Mysterious Ex for a bit but overall, just feeling kind of "blah" today. Was hoping and pryaing that it wasn't because of yesterdays occurences, being the bull headed strong minded chick that I am, I would hate to put myself in the "feeling sad over a man category" but, I'm not sure if that's it. Not really sure what's going on with that.
Finally finished reading "A Widow for One Year". This has to be the longest it has eever taken me to read a book, I was reading it for like 6 weeks, strange. It actually is a very good read, I just couldn't seem to get myself through it. GOing to bed now, despite taking a nap earlier, I really am just tired. I'm in a funky sort of mood tonight.
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Snack: half and pear and half an apple
Lunch: Leftover rice and pork loin with mango chutney
snack: coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Resumes: 1
Hours on Phone: a little less than 2
Exercise: None
Bought: nothing
Today was pretty uneventful, which in light of yesterday believe me, is no complaint at all. Went on an interview for this school in the Bronx. It's a pretty nice school, it just opened last year so it's brand new and full of promise, we'll see. Hung out with Sam today, he's still gassy, not as much as before but still, goodness its bad. Had a slight argument with The Heavenly One who seems to forget from time to time that I am 27 and not 7. Spoke with Mysterious Ex for a bit but overall, just feeling kind of "blah" today. Was hoping and pryaing that it wasn't because of yesterdays occurences, being the bull headed strong minded chick that I am, I would hate to put myself in the "feeling sad over a man category" but, I'm not sure if that's it. Not really sure what's going on with that.
Finally finished reading "A Widow for One Year". This has to be the longest it has eever taken me to read a book, I was reading it for like 6 weeks, strange. It actually is a very good read, I just couldn't seem to get myself through it. GOing to bed now, despite taking a nap earlier, I really am just tired. I'm in a funky sort of mood tonight.
5.31.2005
The most posts ever posted by me in one day
Wow, I've never written this much in one day but there's so much to write about. I'm sitting here eating the rest of those tea cakes I baked in a state of semi shock. It was so shocking, I had to tell Mysterious Ex, though I told him it happened to a friend of mine, not actually me. I don't like to lie to him and truth be told, I am glad I had so many strained feelings about the New Guy thing. I've decided today that no matter our problems, no matter all of the b.s. we sometimes go through, no matter that I sometimes get upset with him, Mysterious Ex is an okay guy. He's not to my knowledge, lied to me, I'm not worried about some other woman coming and de throning me. Holly GoHeavy sent me this a while ago:
Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.
At the time, I thought, wow, what a beautiful thing, that's so sweet, but it's one of the first things I thought of today. Was this New Guy thing my lesson to look at what I already have? Why do M.E. and I keep coming back to one another? After a year, our relationship is finally becoming what I wanted before, does something like this just take time? Are we so conditioned to think of love as this bang, boom, knock you to the ground type of thing? I always say I want a lasting, trust filled relationship based on friendship that's going to last a life time so duh, why do I think that would happen in a few months time?
I am 27 years old, it has taken me this long in life to understand who I am, what I want and how I am going to go about getting there. Mysterious Ex is 33 and he now knows what he wants, basically the whole shabang as me, what makes me think that two people who are bumbling through life trying to make it work individually can just come together and instantaneously make it work? Basically, I have new perspective on what is important to me. Mysterious Ex sent me this months ago when he was trying to get back together with me:
I will bring you a whole person
and you will bring me a whole person
and we will have us twice as much
of love and everything
I be bringing a whole heart
and while it do have nicks and
dents and scars,
that only make me lay it down
more careful-like
And you be bringing a whole heart
a little chipped and rusty an'
sometimes skip a beat but
still an' all you bringing polish too
and look like you intend
to make it shine
And we be brinigng, each of us
the music of ourselves to wrap
the other in
I will be bringing you someone whole
and you will be bringing me someone whole
and we be twice as strong
and we be twice as true
and we will have twice as much
of love
and everything
That's a poem by Mari Evans. I love that poem and I think it says a lot.
Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.
At the time, I thought, wow, what a beautiful thing, that's so sweet, but it's one of the first things I thought of today. Was this New Guy thing my lesson to look at what I already have? Why do M.E. and I keep coming back to one another? After a year, our relationship is finally becoming what I wanted before, does something like this just take time? Are we so conditioned to think of love as this bang, boom, knock you to the ground type of thing? I always say I want a lasting, trust filled relationship based on friendship that's going to last a life time so duh, why do I think that would happen in a few months time?
I am 27 years old, it has taken me this long in life to understand who I am, what I want and how I am going to go about getting there. Mysterious Ex is 33 and he now knows what he wants, basically the whole shabang as me, what makes me think that two people who are bumbling through life trying to make it work individually can just come together and instantaneously make it work? Basically, I have new perspective on what is important to me. Mysterious Ex sent me this months ago when he was trying to get back together with me:
I will bring you a whole person
and you will bring me a whole person
and we will have us twice as much
of love and everything
I be bringing a whole heart
and while it do have nicks and
dents and scars,
that only make me lay it down
more careful-like
And you be bringing a whole heart
a little chipped and rusty an'
sometimes skip a beat but
still an' all you bringing polish too
and look like you intend
to make it shine
And we be brinigng, each of us
the music of ourselves to wrap
the other in
I will be bringing you someone whole
and you will be bringing me someone whole
and we be twice as strong
and we be twice as true
and we will have twice as much
of love
and everything
That's a poem by Mari Evans. I love that poem and I think it says a lot.
!!!!! NEWSFLASH !!!!!
So, today I spoke on the phone with New Guy's WIFE of all people. WOW!!!!!!!!!
Mind you, I noticed that he had called like a day or two ago but, he didn't leave a message. Usually I know who called by my messages and then every few days or so I check my caller ID just to clear it out and such. She said she got my phone number from the phone bill, she noticed the number before but really didn't think much of it. She saw it again this month and saw the frequency at which we were speaking so she decided to give me a call. She sounded like a very intelligent and well educated woman and she and I had a very lengthy conversation about how he and I met, all the times we had gone out, what we did, etc. I felt terrible at first because believe me, it is not my intention to go around screwing with another woman's husband, that is the absolute last thing that I want to find my self apart of, it isn't something I would purposefully do but, this was not my fault. When I met New Guy, he was alone, he presented himself as a single and available man. Before we even went out the first time we spoke for about a month and not just quick "how are you?" type conversations, but long three, four, five and more hour converstions. One rainy weekend instead of going out we spoke on the phone ALL day Saturday and Sunday for like 12 hours each day. She told me they are in the process of moving to NYC, he already lives here because he got a job first and she is in the process of coming here which explains all the ample time he had to talk, woo and hang out with me. I mean, I spoke to this man WAY more than I ever speak to Mysterious Ex so, I was truly under the impression that he was a single and available person. Now the thing is this, it would be one thing for a man to present himself as being a married person seeking some hooch if that is what he were so inclined to do, (I am not supporting this in any way, shape or form) but, to present oneself as a single man and go on and on about how he wants to be in a relationship, how he wants to be with someone, how he wants to start a family, etc. WTF is that about? Why would he invest so much time in trying to get to know me, spend so much time charming me and basically making up lie after lie after lie? It's very scary to me to say the least. Here this man was inviting me on vacations, taking me to dinner, spending hours with me on the phone and in person and the whole time he is married. What is that about?!
I have been cheated on as a girlfriend and I know that hurts exceptionally, it is a very hard thing to get over, to know that someone you cared for and trusted has lied to you and has shared confidences with another person. I can not even begin to believe how this would feel if I were married to that person. It is almost un-imaginable. Here this woman is sharing this man's last name, she cahnged her identity to share her life with person, here she is moving her life from the Mid West to big horrible NYC and this man is screwing her over. To me, that is devastating. I don't know if I could handle it.
She thanked me for the information I gave her and actually said "I'm glad it was you and not someone else, you obviously are a smart girl". I'm not sure precisely what that meant, I took it as "thank God you're not some ghetto sounding hooch", but, ah well. She gave me her job and cell phone number and said she would be in touch. I had to run and tell The Heavenly One (my mom) so of course we sat around for like an hour or so discussing the evils of men (and women) but mostly men. Wow man, this is one for the books.
Mind you, I noticed that he had called like a day or two ago but, he didn't leave a message. Usually I know who called by my messages and then every few days or so I check my caller ID just to clear it out and such. She said she got my phone number from the phone bill, she noticed the number before but really didn't think much of it. She saw it again this month and saw the frequency at which we were speaking so she decided to give me a call. She sounded like a very intelligent and well educated woman and she and I had a very lengthy conversation about how he and I met, all the times we had gone out, what we did, etc. I felt terrible at first because believe me, it is not my intention to go around screwing with another woman's husband, that is the absolute last thing that I want to find my self apart of, it isn't something I would purposefully do but, this was not my fault. When I met New Guy, he was alone, he presented himself as a single and available man. Before we even went out the first time we spoke for about a month and not just quick "how are you?" type conversations, but long three, four, five and more hour converstions. One rainy weekend instead of going out we spoke on the phone ALL day Saturday and Sunday for like 12 hours each day. She told me they are in the process of moving to NYC, he already lives here because he got a job first and she is in the process of coming here which explains all the ample time he had to talk, woo and hang out with me. I mean, I spoke to this man WAY more than I ever speak to Mysterious Ex so, I was truly under the impression that he was a single and available person. Now the thing is this, it would be one thing for a man to present himself as being a married person seeking some hooch if that is what he were so inclined to do, (I am not supporting this in any way, shape or form) but, to present oneself as a single man and go on and on about how he wants to be in a relationship, how he wants to be with someone, how he wants to start a family, etc. WTF is that about? Why would he invest so much time in trying to get to know me, spend so much time charming me and basically making up lie after lie after lie? It's very scary to me to say the least. Here this man was inviting me on vacations, taking me to dinner, spending hours with me on the phone and in person and the whole time he is married. What is that about?!
I have been cheated on as a girlfriend and I know that hurts exceptionally, it is a very hard thing to get over, to know that someone you cared for and trusted has lied to you and has shared confidences with another person. I can not even begin to believe how this would feel if I were married to that person. It is almost un-imaginable. Here this woman is sharing this man's last name, she cahnged her identity to share her life with person, here she is moving her life from the Mid West to big horrible NYC and this man is screwing her over. To me, that is devastating. I don't know if I could handle it.
She thanked me for the information I gave her and actually said "I'm glad it was you and not someone else, you obviously are a smart girl". I'm not sure precisely what that meant, I took it as "thank God you're not some ghetto sounding hooch", but, ah well. She gave me her job and cell phone number and said she would be in touch. I had to run and tell The Heavenly One (my mom) so of course we sat around for like an hour or so discussing the evils of men (and women) but mostly men. Wow man, this is one for the books.
I am so Excited
I have three interviews over the next three days, all with great schools, all OUTSIDE of my neighborhood. One is almost a guaranteed job, the principal and I had a lengthy phone conversation, she just basically wants me to come check out the school on Friday (woo hoo!) It isn't that I despise my neighborhood but, the schools here do not educate the children (sadly) as I feel children should be educated. When I first started teaching, I thought that I would fight the problem from within, teaching my children against the stupid curriculum set up for children of color but, I met with so much backlash. In a way, I am so upset because children who live here are missing out on a huge advantage in life because the school system sucks. Not only does it suck, but everyone knows it sucks and no one is doing anything about it. I guess I am copping out by leaving the neighborhood the way so many teachers do but, for my own sanity and piece of mind, I cannot continue to teach down to these children. Being the fantastical person that I am, I thought I would go back to graduate school (once again) and get my certification in school administration, that way, I could be become a school principal in a few years and I could make at least one quality school in this god forsaken place. I school where REAL learning could occur.
EWWWW!
So this morning, I am walking down the street to my mom's house, (my mom lives literally five houses down) so of course, I'm not going to get all dolled up to walk a few houses over, I mean no one's even outside at that time. Anyway, I was wearing a pair of red jogging pant capri pants and a t shirt with a sports bra under and a pair of flip flops. My hair was thrown into a raggedy ponytail and I had no makeup and my glasses on. Also, my face was smeared in cocoa butter (my moisturizing beauty secret) so I looked as though I had just run ten miles in the dead of summer (read, my face looked greasy and sweaty). Anyway, as Sam and I were walking up the block, this grimey, two toothed, smelly looking, jobless (read, not unemployed but "I have NEVER had a job" looking kind of guy), man tells me, "Mmmmmmmmm, you look good enough to eat, let ME (louder than rest of sentence) know when you want me to eat you". I just looked at him in utter disbelief. I mean not to even talk about how gross his choice of words were but, did I look that bad? I mean come on, I may have had on my workout clothes but did I look like I was on this guy's level? I mean Jesus, he had like TWO teeth (maybe an exaggeration but a very slight one) in his mouth! Had he been pushing a shopping cart and had a needle sticking out of his arm, his look would have been too complete. I almost burst into tears thinking this man thought that I was "get-able" to him. I don't want to turn into this kind of chick but, from now on, I am NOT going outside with at least a coat of face powder, my contacts and hopefully an outfit not made of what ever material it is they make jogging pants out of.
EWWWW part II
So my mom, I think I shall call her, The Heavenly One is so gross. Now that I am an adult, I must admit that our relationship has changed drastically. We sit and have coffee, we gossip about our neighbors and various family members, we shop together, I can genuinely say I enjoy her companionship and friendship but I still have a lot of "mommy" respect for her. It is a far cry from our former relationsip during my teenager and early adult years (gasp, it's hard to admit that I am officially in my dare I write it: 'late twenties'. I am ACTUALLY grimacing as I am writing this, ewww! Now I just emitted the word 'ewwww' from my lips) which was more along the lines of , " I hate her", "why doesn't she mind her business?", "she gets on my nerves" and various other teenage and early adult utterances. But sometimes, The Heavenly One gets ahead of herself. Like today, I don't mind telling her about my relationship with Mysterious Ex, she has heard almost everything about him since the time he and I got together. She usually knows if he and I are going out and such because either I tell her, or she babysits my Sam for me. She knew Mysterious Ex and I went away this weekend so she wanted to hear about it. This is basically how our conversation went. Mind you, this is over coffee, tea cakes and these wonderful omelets she made:
The Heavenly One: So, how did you weekend with M.E. go? What did you guys do?
Me: Well, we went to the beach, we stayed in this little bungalow, it was cute. It had a little kitchenette thing. We basically hung out on the beach, we went to the movies, we walked around and just hung out a lot. It wasn't really a big "going away type thing" we basically did what we would do here, just some where else.
THO: (speaking oh so casually) So, did you have sex with him?
Me: (after choking on a tea cake) Ewwww, Mommy, shut up, that's gross! Why are you asking that?
THO: Oh, please, you're a grown woman, do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know you have sex? It's a very natural thing MY NAME. You're so childish sometimes.
Me: I'M CHILDISH? (Said more as a high pitched screech than a yell or anything). I don't care to talk about that, you're my mom.
THO: EXACTLY, I'm YOU'RE mother. How do you think YOU got here?! You think the baby fairy came and dropped you in my lap?
Me: I choose to believe that, yes.
THO: Well, Miss Missy (only used when The Heavenly One is trying to be funny or rub my nose into something) You did not come from any fairy, your father and I had SEX. SEX, SEX, SEX!!
Me: Okay. (actually, I was at a lost for words)
THO: (having to have the last word) So there!
#1 Is she still saying Miss Missy? That's too funny. I dare not laugh at her in front of her, she is still my mom and a back hand slap can't be far behind that Miss Missy thing. Where does she get that anyway?
#2 Ewwww, who wants to hear about HER having sex?
#3 With my Dad? I mean I KNOW they had sex but why does she have to tell me? Can't some things just be left alone? Now I'll have THAT image in my head next time I feel like getting amorous.
Thanks mom.
EWWWW!
So this morning, I am walking down the street to my mom's house, (my mom lives literally five houses down) so of course, I'm not going to get all dolled up to walk a few houses over, I mean no one's even outside at that time. Anyway, I was wearing a pair of red jogging pant capri pants and a t shirt with a sports bra under and a pair of flip flops. My hair was thrown into a raggedy ponytail and I had no makeup and my glasses on. Also, my face was smeared in cocoa butter (my moisturizing beauty secret) so I looked as though I had just run ten miles in the dead of summer (read, my face looked greasy and sweaty). Anyway, as Sam and I were walking up the block, this grimey, two toothed, smelly looking, jobless (read, not unemployed but "I have NEVER had a job" looking kind of guy), man tells me, "Mmmmmmmmm, you look good enough to eat, let ME (louder than rest of sentence) know when you want me to eat you". I just looked at him in utter disbelief. I mean not to even talk about how gross his choice of words were but, did I look that bad? I mean come on, I may have had on my workout clothes but did I look like I was on this guy's level? I mean Jesus, he had like TWO teeth (maybe an exaggeration but a very slight one) in his mouth! Had he been pushing a shopping cart and had a needle sticking out of his arm, his look would have been too complete. I almost burst into tears thinking this man thought that I was "get-able" to him. I don't want to turn into this kind of chick but, from now on, I am NOT going outside with at least a coat of face powder, my contacts and hopefully an outfit not made of what ever material it is they make jogging pants out of.
EWWWW part II
So my mom, I think I shall call her, The Heavenly One is so gross. Now that I am an adult, I must admit that our relationship has changed drastically. We sit and have coffee, we gossip about our neighbors and various family members, we shop together, I can genuinely say I enjoy her companionship and friendship but I still have a lot of "mommy" respect for her. It is a far cry from our former relationsip during my teenager and early adult years (gasp, it's hard to admit that I am officially in my dare I write it: 'late twenties'. I am ACTUALLY grimacing as I am writing this, ewww! Now I just emitted the word 'ewwww' from my lips) which was more along the lines of , " I hate her", "why doesn't she mind her business?", "she gets on my nerves" and various other teenage and early adult utterances. But sometimes, The Heavenly One gets ahead of herself. Like today, I don't mind telling her about my relationship with Mysterious Ex, she has heard almost everything about him since the time he and I got together. She usually knows if he and I are going out and such because either I tell her, or she babysits my Sam for me. She knew Mysterious Ex and I went away this weekend so she wanted to hear about it. This is basically how our conversation went. Mind you, this is over coffee, tea cakes and these wonderful omelets she made:
The Heavenly One: So, how did you weekend with M.E. go? What did you guys do?
Me: Well, we went to the beach, we stayed in this little bungalow, it was cute. It had a little kitchenette thing. We basically hung out on the beach, we went to the movies, we walked around and just hung out a lot. It wasn't really a big "going away type thing" we basically did what we would do here, just some where else.
THO: (speaking oh so casually) So, did you have sex with him?
Me: (after choking on a tea cake) Ewwww, Mommy, shut up, that's gross! Why are you asking that?
THO: Oh, please, you're a grown woman, do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know you have sex? It's a very natural thing MY NAME. You're so childish sometimes.
Me: I'M CHILDISH? (Said more as a high pitched screech than a yell or anything). I don't care to talk about that, you're my mom.
THO: EXACTLY, I'm YOU'RE mother. How do you think YOU got here?! You think the baby fairy came and dropped you in my lap?
Me: I choose to believe that, yes.
THO: Well, Miss Missy (only used when The Heavenly One is trying to be funny or rub my nose into something) You did not come from any fairy, your father and I had SEX. SEX, SEX, SEX!!
Me: Okay. (actually, I was at a lost for words)
THO: (having to have the last word) So there!
#1 Is she still saying Miss Missy? That's too funny. I dare not laugh at her in front of her, she is still my mom and a back hand slap can't be far behind that Miss Missy thing. Where does she get that anyway?
#2 Ewwww, who wants to hear about HER having sex?
#3 With my Dad? I mean I KNOW they had sex but why does she have to tell me? Can't some things just be left alone? Now I'll have THAT image in my head next time I feel like getting amorous.
Thanks mom.
Eaten for the weekend:
In not particular order:
Fruit salad, coffee, omelet, coffee, sausage, chicken burrito, pizza, soda, iced tea, fried rice, brocoli, garlic chicken, popcorn, ice cream, tea cakes (I made those), lemonade, curried rice, pork loin with mango chutney (made that too), pretzels, and a salad.
Exercise: Lots of walking but no "specific" exercise, oh, and lot's of sex
Hours on Phone: less than 1
Resumes: 0
Bought: I didn't really buy anything
Well, Mysterious Ex and I spent the weekedn together and I do have to say that I had a rally good time. We stayed in bed, laughed, read the paper, hung out, went to the movies, walked along the boardwalk. I would have to say an enjoyable time was had by all, even Samson, who snored louder than any living thing should ever be allowed to snore last night. I have to go over to my mom's house, she made brunch for us and she wants to hear about my weekend.
In not particular order:
Fruit salad, coffee, omelet, coffee, sausage, chicken burrito, pizza, soda, iced tea, fried rice, brocoli, garlic chicken, popcorn, ice cream, tea cakes (I made those), lemonade, curried rice, pork loin with mango chutney (made that too), pretzels, and a salad.
Exercise: Lots of walking but no "specific" exercise, oh, and lot's of sex
Hours on Phone: less than 1
Resumes: 0
Bought: I didn't really buy anything
Well, Mysterious Ex and I spent the weekedn together and I do have to say that I had a rally good time. We stayed in bed, laughed, read the paper, hung out, went to the movies, walked along the boardwalk. I would have to say an enjoyable time was had by all, even Samson, who snored louder than any living thing should ever be allowed to snore last night. I have to go over to my mom's house, she made brunch for us and she wants to hear about my weekend.
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