Blah

Didn't go to work today, didn't much feel like it. I woke up, took a shower then got back in the bed, it was just one of those days. Funny thing is, my cousin T called (after she said she called my office) and she was home too, it really was one of those days. THO and I are going to Sweet Brother's house tonight. He's doing a Cajun style dinner so he's making gumbo and shrimp creole, I'm making dirty rice, peanut butter pralines and beignets and THO is bringing French Vanilla ice cream. We were going to make Mississippi Mudslides, but couldn't agree on whether that is truly a Cajun drink or not.

After cooking all of that stuff, I was cleaning the kitchen and I got very sad. So much so that my niece (who is all of 12) called me during my sadness and the first thing she asked after I said "Hello" was "what's wrong Auntie?" I was a little taken aback because I didn't know what she meant, so I asked "what do you mean Sweetie?" she answered, "You sound so sad." I was just thinking and I HATE to sound sorry for my self knowing all of the for lack of a better word, badness that occurrs in people's lives everyday. I mean, I woke up this morning, I am helathy, I have a great family, well most of them, who are healthy and alive, I have a decent job that pays well and I have a pretty nice place to live. I am no where next to starving, I live a pretty good life, what do I have to complain about? But, I thought about how much of what I thought I would do or accomplish by now has not really panned out. I at times feel a bit slouchy, thinking that I have not accomplished all that I have set out to do. I sometimes think that I am in a position where I will more than likely not get married anytime soon and as days go by, I have less and less chance of having a baby. It's funny how it can just all come to me at once, like, before I thought of this, I was in pretty good spirits and then bam, it just brings me down.

While I am fully aware of the fact that I have so many great things hapening in my life and I have so many things to be grateful for, it does admittedly get me down every so often.

I've always likened myself to be the kind of woman who was very independent. Actually, A (the guy I started psuedo dating again) told me the other day, that I was different from most women that he has dated for the simple fact that I don't seem as though I "need" him. But the other day, I was lying in bed with Sam reading and I thought, if only for a second, am I going to always sleep alone? Is this going to be my life? I mean, not at all that it is a scary situation, it just seems so finite like "this is it".

I have been pseudo dating A (more of just a distraction to the whole baby thing for me) and I think, is it that I am constantly looking for the wrong kind of guy? I mean, Mysterious Ex was the right kind of guy on paper. He is educated, owns his own place, has a good job is paid well, he's very "with it", suave, funny, up- wardly mobile, he's cultured, the kind of person that I feel compliments me well. But, in all other aspects, he was not good for me. A is a nice guy, and we seem to have a lot of things in common. When we dated a few years ago, I thought he was really nice, he alwys had time for me, as he does now, he was really a sweet guy who claims to be looking for "a good woman" (his words) but, he doesn't have a degree though he is quite intelligent, he has an okay job, one without much growth, he rents a teeny, tiny studio which he has been living in since I first met him about 4 years ago, and he's a bit rough around the edges, ex. he came to my house last weekend for dinner EMPTY HANDED, he didn't even ask IF he should bring anything. All the times that I've seen him (4) he has been wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. While at my house last weekend, he called a martini glass a wine glass, something that bothered me and, he wiped his hands on one of my decorative bath towels. Oh, and he ate chicken breast with his fingers. All of those things to me are ewwwwww factors.

I know that those things are superficial and do not mean a whole lot in the scheme of things. I know that the person that one will end up with probably won't be the type of person you have in mind but, how much compromising should one do?

I have been in this very weird place for the last few days. As I am getting closer and closer to the time where I should seriously be preparing for Baby, I honestly think, do I want to do this? Do I want to be a singel mother? What about me? Should I finish the principal trainging program and possible miss out on the opportunity to have a child? Am I in a good enough place to bring a child into this world? Will I make a good mother? Will having this child mean that I am admitting defeat to the fact that my life will be NOTHING as I have planned it? WIll I be able to have some semblence of the life I want with a child in tow? Will I be fair to the baby? Will I regret my decision? Is this something that I honestly want to do right now? Does every one have doubts like this? How do I know if I am just nervous or if I am seriously in doubt? It hurts a lot to even consider doing this outside of a marriage. This is something I thought I would never do. I am near tears a lot just thinking about this.

I have to get dressed, it's getting late.

To the Anonymous Comment

The reason that I can call one of my students a doofus is because:

I am a dean of discipline in an alternative school for students who have been kicked out of "regular" schools for their CONTROLLABLE behavior. The students who attend my school are plain and simply BAD. Some of them have brought guns and knives to school, beat up teachers and other students, which is why they have been sent to my school. The school I work in is a last resort for many of these students who often have little or no credits towards graduation. If read properly, I am calling them a doofus because of their BEHAVIOR, not their learning ability.

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