I am so emotional and weird today. I am upset over the stupid Mysterious Ex thing. I haven't spoken to him as of yet though he did call a few times and left a few silly messages. I know that I need to get rid of him, I know that it is best for me, I even am ready to do it, I just feel as though it is going on too long. I wish it were done already.

Last week, there was this little kitten running around on my street. I tried a couple of times to catch him, I had intentions of giving him a good home, but I couldn't get him, he was very fast and probably very afraid. This morning when I was getting ready to leave, the kitten was in front of my house, dead. It looked as though someone ran him over and the poor little thing didn't have a face. It made me so sad, I was very upset over seeing him dead because, I tried to help him. I was going to raise him because I thought something would happen to him if he stayed on the street,and it did. To make things even worse, he was righ tin front of my house as though I know this is crazy, it was a reminder that I didn't catch and help him. Poor little kitten.

I have to type my presentation for tomorrow and study for my final.

Well, started school yesterday. It isn't very inconvenient to get to, I guess it's okay. We have to work in groups, like we are in kindergarten to create presentations that are due at the end of this week. Since I have been named a Master Teacher by New York State, I am allowed to take these accelerated courses that last only a week each, though they are about 6 hours a day. Mostly, my group and I sit and laugh at other people and complain about the tiny, tiny, too tiny for my big ass seats they have provided for us. This first course is Understanding Instruction of the Learning Disabled Student. It acctually is very interesting, I have learned all sorts of new things that I previously did not know. I have homework to do (uggh), I have to create an IEP: Individualized Education Program for a fictional emotionally disturbed, academically delayed student. The thing is, though I am technically a general education teacher, many of my students were behind so I have created one more than a few times already. I also have to give a presentation on the Orton-Gillingham methodology of literacy and have to create a sample lesson implementing the methodology as well as give tips and reasons why this mehtod is effective in teaching children with learning disabilities so in other words, I am having a fun filled, non stop excitement week. Yah, me. (Sarcasm alert if not already identified).

On another note, there is a VERY cute guy in my class and he is just my type. Unfortunately, I wear on my left hand a wedding and engagement type ring that I bought myself after my fiancee and I broke up as a symbol of self committment and I think that he thinks I am married. Either that or he doesn't like fat chicks. He's actually in my group and I get to work with him nearly all day, maybe I'll mention I'm not married to him.

On yet another note, Mysterious Ex called me last night but naturally I did not answer the phone and let the machine pick it up. He left me some sad sounding message about how he has been meaning to call me for the last few days but did not because all of his conferences were beginning to early or ending too late, BULLSHIT. When I came home this evening, he had left another message and said he would try to call again later but, I of course "won't be home". I don't have time to talk to him and bring up this entire thing, I have to stay positive so that I can complete this course pass hopefully with a great grade. I will deal with Mysterious Ex on the weekend when I am free to read my script and I won't have much else to do until Monday.

My classes are taking place downtown where all the good shoping is and where there are no less than 6 fat girl stores so yesterday of course, I went shopping during my lunch hour. I bought a pair of shoes, a skirt, a tank top and a pair of earrings. I did all of this in an attempt to continue with my fast and wound up spending like $150.00. Today, in an attempt to spend less money, I went to this very nice restaurant (alone, I've NEVER done that), which I have always loved and had a $30.00 dollar lunch. Sure, it was better than spending 150 dollars but, I can't continue eating 30 dollar lunches, especially when there is no one ther to foot my bill. Not sure what I will do tomorrow, maybe go shopping. Today's luch came with a lovely slice of chocolate moose (I'm sure that's not the spelling) cheesecake, which I ate half of at lunch and wolfed the other half down when I got home.

I was very mean to The Heavenly One today and I feel bad about it, I will have to go to her house and apologize. She has been babysitting Sam for me since I have been going to school so, on the way home, I stop by her house, pick him up then I come home, take a shower or lay down for a bit, take him for a walk and then he and I may or may not go to her house. Today, my brother came by and took The Heavenly One to BJ's (like a Costco or Sam's Club) since I was not going to be home, I gave her a short list of things that I wanted, she said she would get them. Well this evening I was hot, I gave my seat on the bus (ewww, the bus) to a pregnant woman and her baby (despite the fact that there was like four able bodied men on the bus) and had to stand up almost the entire ride home. Also, my ass hurt from squeezing myself into the tiny little seat for like 6 hours today, I was hot, tired and ready to get home. When I went to THO's house to pick up Sam, I remembered I did not have milk at home (I wanted milk to wolf down with the remaining half of my cake) so I went to steal some from my mom. When I was getting ready to leave, she pulled up with my brother, my two nieces and a SUV full of groceries. Dammit! I said to myself. I was not in the mood to cart groceries into her house, mind you, BJ's gives no bags so everything is loose and you literally have to pick up the item and bring it into the house. I DID NOT WANT TO! She gladly announced upon seeing me "MY NAME!, how lucky we are, bring in some groceries!" Mind you, my mom isn't picking up anything, she never does. I made like three trips with stuff in my hand and then I just said, I'M NOT PICKING UP ANY MORE STUFF! I then picked Sam up and came home. That was very mean, I know but, I was tired, I was hiking around the city on BUSES nonetheless, my ass and feet hurt, I was tired and all I wanted to do was lay across the bed naked, turn on the AC, eat my cake and guzzle my stolen milk, that was my plan, not hauling groceries. I didn't want to haul groceries. So, I have to apologize to my mom for my behavior. Well, off to do my homework, ewwwww.

Can't Sleep

I have to be up in less than 2 and a half hours but, I can't sleep. I had this weird dream were I was pregnant, it was obviously in the '50s, I and all of the women, there was my cousin T and some other woman, were wearing these huge I Love Lucy dresses (I guess I REALLY love my dress from last week). Anyway, I was pregnant and my husband was away on business, the dream played like an old sitcom, it was very weird. My cousin T, the girl and I were watching television, like it was this great thing to do, you know like they did back then when TV was sort of new, and we were eating what I could only assume were bon bons. This girl I think was my cousin's friend though whenever we talked to her, she never said anything back, she just stared at the television, stuffing bon bons into her mouth. I explained to them how I was going to redocorate and renovate my house and then suddenly it was present day, our clothes changed, and we were standing in my bedroom, though one of my walls was broken down to reveal a pair of steps that do not actually exist in my house. One of my cousins, who is actually a contractor was there and was telling me that to renovate the entire house, he would charge me 9,000 dollars but I would have to buy my own material. I ran to the phone to call my husband because I was excited and then instantaneously (sp?) we were in this old '50s style car. I was in the back seat and my cousin was in the front seat with this guy who was her boyfriend. He had a black t shirt and rolled cuff jeans and greased back hair with a Elvis type bouffant, think The Outsiders or John Travolta in Grease and I had a big hoop skirt, the kind with a poodle on it with saddle shoes and my hair in a ponytail with the handkerchief hanging around it, I was still pregnant. He was in a bad mood and I was giving him a hard time about it, telling him he should have stayed home and that he was no fun. All of a sudden, I guess I was irritating him, he started stabbing me. I ran out of the car, but no one would help me. I ran into a police officer but it being the '50s, he pushed me away and told me "go home nigger, did your husband stab you up?" I then woke up,kind of scared, kind of angry. Very weird dream.

I was talking to my friend K in Chicago about the Mysterious Ex thing. He is one of the two people that I have relationship talks with. He went through a really horrible break up about a year ago that he is still getting over so, he always has a good sympathetic ear, he never tells me what to do, he just listens and I love him for that. Seriously, if either of us didn't have moving to another big city issues, we would probably get married.

I wrote in my journal yesterday as I normally do and I read past entries as I am coming to the end of my book (something I tend to do from time to time). The majority of my entries are complaining about Mysterious Ex. Sure there are musings on everyday life, worries about joblessness and talk of hope and the future but, the main topic is Mysterious Ex and my unhappiness in our relationship. I continuously talk about how I am unhappy, how I want more, how I am angry at myself because I know that our relationship is not what I want or deserve. It's all right there. I write it here, I write it there, I tell K and T so, why am I not doing anything about it? I sat and I thought deeply about that. If I love myself, why do I eat so much shit? I compared it to being weak. When I told this diagnosis to K, he responded with "you are not weak, that is your personality, you're really sweet and you are positive, instead of rocking the boat and causing confusion, you eat shit, it isn't good or bad, it's who you are, the problem is finding someone who doesnt' take advantage if that and allows you to be yourself". Regardless of the true diagnosis, I think I am ready. I still haven't heard from Mysterious Ex, even though is only like 5 states away and he has a nation wide calling plan. This, to me is the proverbial cherry on the cake. By not calling me, I feel that he is telling me I am not important and not a priority to him. I guess he's been telling me that in other ways but, I am ready. I know that it will hurt, I know that I will be sad, I know that at first I'm going to regret it and cry but ultimately, I feel that it is best for me. This isn't how I want things to be but, I also don't want war, sensless dying and poverty but that stuff doesn't seem to be going any where. This, at least, is something I have control over. I know that it is going to be hard and that I will be accused of dismissing him, trying to sabotage our relationship and being selfish among a host of other things but, I am prepared. This may sound silly, but I am going to write out a script for myself. When I get very emotional, I sometimes forget to hit on points I want to make, I sometimes get wrapped up in the moment and forget the bigger picture, I sometimes get persuaded back into situations. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to be free, I am trying to be a Woman in the truest and most powerful sense. Goddess help me.