So, after many years of having this great outlet, I am retiring. I've had the great pleasure of meeting some absolutely wonderful women who have graciously shared their talents, opinions and selves and even got myself into the Schlesinger Library at Harvard. Not bad for a nappy headed girl from Brooklyn.
Thanks for all of the years of fun, exchange of ideas and laughter.
8.29.2008
3.16.2008
Random Sunday Night Fun
Found this little thingy on another blog (Scribble, Scribble - Roslyn Carrington), apparently, one needs to read on the Junior High School level in order to understand my blog. Interesting.
3.14.2008
The Craziest Thing
Yesterday, after the children in my programs where dismissed, my staff and I came back to our main office to quickly review the day and pack up to leave. Right outside my office window, there were a group of about 25 kids aged from about 10 to about 15-16, boys and girls alike. They were fighting, punching and hitting one another almost like the people in that movie Fight Club. Then, they ganged up on one child, like alomst all of the children against one. I began to open the window and yell at them because that's what I tend to do when I see things like that. One of my staff members stops me and goes, 'mind your business, that's a gang initiation'. It was surreal because the kids really seemed as though they were trying to hurt the one child they were ganged up against. They were kicking him, punching him in the head, throwing him against a fence, it was insane. I then said I was going to call the cops but all of my staff members said I shouldn't so instead, we just watched.
I turned away because I couldn't watch it. I could not watch young people of color #1 destroy themselves, #2 Willingly take part in something that I know will bring such grief and sadness to their lives. When they were done, they spit on the boy then they all hugged and shook hands. It was crazy.
The saddest part about it was I recognized three of the boys in the group. They were a part of my programs from the beginning of the school year until about January when my supervisor made me remove them from program because they were older than the age I was supposed to serve. When the boys came to me respectfully in the beginning of the year, they asked could they join the programs because they I QUOTE, "didn't want to be in the streets". Two of the three boys came to program faithfully EVERY single day until the day my supervisor saw them and made me get rid of them. When removing them as participants, I brought them on into the program as interns, paying them in gift certificates and gift cards and they continued to come, just wanting to be a part of something. When she saw them again, she said plainly, "they CANNOT be here in ANY capacity" so, I had to deny these children entrance into my programs and now they are in a gang.
I failed these children.
Here I am, my mission in the world to create a better place for young people. To help them grow into well rounded, well exposed adults. To help them be better than they can be and all I've done is help them join a gang.
I am leaving this position soon.
A bit ago I said and thought I was passionless but, that isn't true. I just have to find some way to target my passion. To help people, no matter their age.
This afternoon, I am going to go out and talk to those boys if I see them. I am going to re-enroll them in my programs no matter what anyone says. I cannot watch the lives of these young men go to waste because of some stupid rule. These children's lives are at stake. That, righ now, is my mission.
I turned away because I couldn't watch it. I could not watch young people of color #1 destroy themselves, #2 Willingly take part in something that I know will bring such grief and sadness to their lives. When they were done, they spit on the boy then they all hugged and shook hands. It was crazy.
The saddest part about it was I recognized three of the boys in the group. They were a part of my programs from the beginning of the school year until about January when my supervisor made me remove them from program because they were older than the age I was supposed to serve. When the boys came to me respectfully in the beginning of the year, they asked could they join the programs because they I QUOTE, "didn't want to be in the streets". Two of the three boys came to program faithfully EVERY single day until the day my supervisor saw them and made me get rid of them. When removing them as participants, I brought them on into the program as interns, paying them in gift certificates and gift cards and they continued to come, just wanting to be a part of something. When she saw them again, she said plainly, "they CANNOT be here in ANY capacity" so, I had to deny these children entrance into my programs and now they are in a gang.
I failed these children.
Here I am, my mission in the world to create a better place for young people. To help them grow into well rounded, well exposed adults. To help them be better than they can be and all I've done is help them join a gang.
I am leaving this position soon.
A bit ago I said and thought I was passionless but, that isn't true. I just have to find some way to target my passion. To help people, no matter their age.
This afternoon, I am going to go out and talk to those boys if I see them. I am going to re-enroll them in my programs no matter what anyone says. I cannot watch the lives of these young men go to waste because of some stupid rule. These children's lives are at stake. That, righ now, is my mission.
3.05.2008
Can Someone Explain To Me
Why do I have to have a 2 hour meeting with this broad, then she turns around and calls me for a 24 minute conversation to follow up about the meeting.
What the hell?!
What the hell?!
2.29.2008
I'm Passion-less
Yesterday, I went to a city wide conference with Directors from around the city. Sitting in the midst of these folks, everyone was discussing work, kids, programs, new clubs, new offerings, etc. and I was not only bored, but MAD that they were talking about work so much. I mean, I was really annoyed, everytime someone asked me, "what are you doing at your sites?" "What new programming are you thinking of for next year?" I just wanted to smack them. Shut up about work already crazies! Then, it dawned on me, they aren't crazy, I am because frankly, I no longer care about my work. Sad, isn't it? I truly, honestly, really, just don't care. I don't care about new innovative programming or finding the best people because I just don't care. It makes me sad, I was very enthusiastic at some point in my life. When did that all change? I'm not in an industry where I make hubcaps or stack boxes, I work with children, our future and all that good jazz. Lately, I've been more excited about how quick I can get home then finding something cool for my kids to do. It makes me VERY sad.
I know that I get bored with work easily. I go into a position with goals. Once those goals are met, I don't want to be in that position any longer. I've done this since I've begun working. I think some of it may have to do with the fact that with the exception of starting my own school (which I'm sure I'll do), I've reached all of the career goals I've set for myself and I may feel as though I don't have a lot more to do. I'm sure I can go further in my career, actually I know I can but honestly, I don't see the point. While looking at new positions, I keep seeing the same types of things, just with a lot more responsibility and a lot more work, very often not with much more pay. At this point, I honestly have to say I live very well off of my salary and really don't see a reason to kill myself making a lot more money. I'm okay.
I thought I'd NEVER say this again but, I think I actually miss being in the classroom. I realized that I was happiest at work when I was teaching the fourth grade. I left because I got bored of going to the same building every day and some teacher who basically said he KNEW he would be teaching at that school for the next 22 years freaked me out. I couldn't see ME working somewhere for 20 plus years so, I gathered my stuff, put in my resignation and moved on to what I thought would be bigger and better things. Now that I've done those bigger and better things, I'm done. I just want a much simplier existence. A position that doesn't require so much of my time and so much of my sanity and patience.
As a Sagittarius, I KNOW I'm cursed with a wandering spirit. I've come to terms with that. I'm constantly in search of the next big thing. But now, I wonder, what is the point of it all? Every day, I wake up, shower, eat, run out the house, do the same crap, go home, eat, shower, sleep and do it all again. Is this all there is to life? When I have kids will it be, wake up, shower, bathe them, eat, feed them, run out the house, come home, eat, feed them, bathe them, shower and back in bed? I want more, whatever that may be. I want to enjoy and experience life, whatever may be in store for me and I honestly don't think it will be possible running around doing meaningless stuff for which I have no passion. The funny thing is, I don't think I have passion for anything; at least not enough passion that I would want to dedicate myself to doing something for the rest of my life. I mean, I have many interests, thoughts, ideas, but, nothing that ever really grabs my attention for massive amounts of time. Are people pretending when they talk about how much they love their jobs? If not, how does one find what they love?
I know that I get bored with work easily. I go into a position with goals. Once those goals are met, I don't want to be in that position any longer. I've done this since I've begun working. I think some of it may have to do with the fact that with the exception of starting my own school (which I'm sure I'll do), I've reached all of the career goals I've set for myself and I may feel as though I don't have a lot more to do. I'm sure I can go further in my career, actually I know I can but honestly, I don't see the point. While looking at new positions, I keep seeing the same types of things, just with a lot more responsibility and a lot more work, very often not with much more pay. At this point, I honestly have to say I live very well off of my salary and really don't see a reason to kill myself making a lot more money. I'm okay.
I thought I'd NEVER say this again but, I think I actually miss being in the classroom. I realized that I was happiest at work when I was teaching the fourth grade. I left because I got bored of going to the same building every day and some teacher who basically said he KNEW he would be teaching at that school for the next 22 years freaked me out. I couldn't see ME working somewhere for 20 plus years so, I gathered my stuff, put in my resignation and moved on to what I thought would be bigger and better things. Now that I've done those bigger and better things, I'm done. I just want a much simplier existence. A position that doesn't require so much of my time and so much of my sanity and patience.
As a Sagittarius, I KNOW I'm cursed with a wandering spirit. I've come to terms with that. I'm constantly in search of the next big thing. But now, I wonder, what is the point of it all? Every day, I wake up, shower, eat, run out the house, do the same crap, go home, eat, shower, sleep and do it all again. Is this all there is to life? When I have kids will it be, wake up, shower, bathe them, eat, feed them, run out the house, come home, eat, feed them, bathe them, shower and back in bed? I want more, whatever that may be. I want to enjoy and experience life, whatever may be in store for me and I honestly don't think it will be possible running around doing meaningless stuff for which I have no passion. The funny thing is, I don't think I have passion for anything; at least not enough passion that I would want to dedicate myself to doing something for the rest of my life. I mean, I have many interests, thoughts, ideas, but, nothing that ever really grabs my attention for massive amounts of time. Are people pretending when they talk about how much they love their jobs? If not, how does one find what they love?
2.20.2008
I'm Leaving
I've made the decision to leave my job.
Yesterday, I felt I was underminded yet again and, when I complained about it - to someone who has given me nothing but praises inthe past two years (and yes, I deserved all of them) - she backed up the underminer. Truthfully, it really wasn't even a complaint as I'm very professional and have been around for a long time, it was more of a - this occurred and I'm not certain why, please advise.
The bottom line is this, when I joined this organization two years ago, I was told they wanted someone who was very independent and a self starter, which I am. The first few months of me working here, I literally was told, this is sort of how this program runs but, we're open to any new thoughts and suggestions you may have. When I came up with said thoughts and suggestions it was always - cool! Love that idea. I don't recall there ever being a problem with anything I've ever done and if anything, my ideas may have been added to - by people who have more experience than I - but NEVER shot down, NEVER. In fact, I was liked so much that I was given a promotion after less than a year of working for said organization and was even told on more than one occassion - you don't have to check in with everything you want to do, just summarize your doings in an email every so often- (which I took to mean about twice a week) and no one EVER said anything about it. (Now, I seem to have developed a problem with communication.) That style of working has worked for me and been effective for the programs. I have increased enrollment, attendance and retention to the highest levels EVER in the history of all the programs I manage. I have created the most diverse and engaging programs for the children (hence high enrollment and attendance) and please keep in mind, my programs are for children in the middle - high school age range, children who DON'T have to come to these kinds of programs because the can run the street, be unsupervised but, they CHOOSE to come because of the changes I have made. Also, and I have been told this on more than one occasion, I've bought a great deal of professionalism to the programs - something the "higher ups" felt was missing before I took over (home - program relations, -school - program relations, - outside agency - program relations) and, since I cleaned house with staff and hired new people, I was told - your staff is the most professional we've had at these programs, blah, blah , blah. And, it's all true.
Now, in the middle of a school year, a position is created for someone who has a TOTALLY different management style than anyone I've ever worked with. Even as a fresh out of college 20 year old teacher I was told - go teach kid- and given pointers along the way. This person calls CONSTANTLY throughout the day. Actually asked me once why I wasn't at my desk (there is such a thing as peeing, meetings, lunch, stretching ones legs, etc.) and basically micro-manages me. I am not a micro-managing type person, I never have been and never will be. That is not my way. I've never had issue with anyone who was a supervisor of mine. I have letters of recommendation applauding me and evaluations specifically noting how I am adaptable, take criticism well and am eager to learn from those with more experience.
It is at the point where the other day, I had a dream about this woman. That is way too much for me. I am done. My health and well being are way more important than any job.
Now the scary part. After stringent calculations, I have about 5 months worth of money on which to live. Technically, if I need to, I can live off of my tenants rent but, with all of the repairs I've had to do in the house and with the possiblity that ANYTHING may happen at ANYTIME in here, I think its best I not do that.
So, I have already begun the search. The good part about this job is that with all of the conferences and meetings I must attend, I've made lots of contacts. I've already sent my resume off to people who I've met. And, if worse comes to worst, I can always return to the classroom.
So, my letter is typed, signed and is going in on Friday morning. Wish me luck.
Yesterday, I felt I was underminded yet again and, when I complained about it - to someone who has given me nothing but praises inthe past two years (and yes, I deserved all of them) - she backed up the underminer. Truthfully, it really wasn't even a complaint as I'm very professional and have been around for a long time, it was more of a - this occurred and I'm not certain why, please advise.
The bottom line is this, when I joined this organization two years ago, I was told they wanted someone who was very independent and a self starter, which I am. The first few months of me working here, I literally was told, this is sort of how this program runs but, we're open to any new thoughts and suggestions you may have. When I came up with said thoughts and suggestions it was always - cool! Love that idea. I don't recall there ever being a problem with anything I've ever done and if anything, my ideas may have been added to - by people who have more experience than I - but NEVER shot down, NEVER. In fact, I was liked so much that I was given a promotion after less than a year of working for said organization and was even told on more than one occassion - you don't have to check in with everything you want to do, just summarize your doings in an email every so often- (which I took to mean about twice a week) and no one EVER said anything about it. (Now, I seem to have developed a problem with communication.) That style of working has worked for me and been effective for the programs. I have increased enrollment, attendance and retention to the highest levels EVER in the history of all the programs I manage. I have created the most diverse and engaging programs for the children (hence high enrollment and attendance) and please keep in mind, my programs are for children in the middle - high school age range, children who DON'T have to come to these kinds of programs because the can run the street, be unsupervised but, they CHOOSE to come because of the changes I have made. Also, and I have been told this on more than one occasion, I've bought a great deal of professionalism to the programs - something the "higher ups" felt was missing before I took over (home - program relations, -school - program relations, - outside agency - program relations) and, since I cleaned house with staff and hired new people, I was told - your staff is the most professional we've had at these programs, blah, blah , blah. And, it's all true.
Now, in the middle of a school year, a position is created for someone who has a TOTALLY different management style than anyone I've ever worked with. Even as a fresh out of college 20 year old teacher I was told - go teach kid- and given pointers along the way. This person calls CONSTANTLY throughout the day. Actually asked me once why I wasn't at my desk (there is such a thing as peeing, meetings, lunch, stretching ones legs, etc.) and basically micro-manages me. I am not a micro-managing type person, I never have been and never will be. That is not my way. I've never had issue with anyone who was a supervisor of mine. I have letters of recommendation applauding me and evaluations specifically noting how I am adaptable, take criticism well and am eager to learn from those with more experience.
It is at the point where the other day, I had a dream about this woman. That is way too much for me. I am done. My health and well being are way more important than any job.
Now the scary part. After stringent calculations, I have about 5 months worth of money on which to live. Technically, if I need to, I can live off of my tenants rent but, with all of the repairs I've had to do in the house and with the possiblity that ANYTHING may happen at ANYTIME in here, I think its best I not do that.
So, I have already begun the search. The good part about this job is that with all of the conferences and meetings I must attend, I've made lots of contacts. I've already sent my resume off to people who I've met. And, if worse comes to worst, I can always return to the classroom.
So, my letter is typed, signed and is going in on Friday morning. Wish me luck.
2.15.2008
Top 5 Reasons My Job Sucks Today
5. Its boring. I do the same thing day after day, there is no challenge.
4. The hours. 10 - 6 are very sucky hours. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get and I still haven't become accustomed to the time. When I get home, it's about 7 or later, always too late in my eyes to go out and do something after work. Plus, its a really long stretch of time to leave Sam.
3. The kids. The kids in my programs are really nutty. They start fihgts with one another, are sometimes disrespectful to my staff and often do the most inappropriate things.
2. The stuff I have to do. I think its been well established that I am lazy. I have SO much stuff to do EVERYDAY. Its exhausting. I'm stressed out, tired and very unhappy.
#1. My new supervisor. This chick gets on my nerves so much! Let us count the ways:
A) She has WAY less experience than I do:
1. I have been an educator or in education for like 12 years now. This girl has 4 years in.
2. She got her job as a favor. She and I held similar positions last year (I do more work than her and, I get paid more!). She left to go to graduate school (to get one of the degrees I already hold). She COULDN'T GET IN! So, our supervisor MADE UP a position for her so that she could have a job until she takes REMEDIAL classes to be able to get into Grad School. (Mmmmmmmmm)
3. She has no command of the English language. Now, I know that in this blog I make many mistakes but, this is my personal who gives a shit writing. This woman writes things like (actually taken from a circulated memo) "In which capacitye will these supplies be used in". WTF!?!!!
4. She pretends to know EVERYTHING. Our programs are funded by grants given by the city. A group of our children are funded by one agency, lets call the agency ABC. Another group of children are funded by another agency, lets call it XYZ. Children from XYZ agency receive supper every evening and food is provided to them if they go on trips. Agency ABC does not provide food but will reimburse you if you buy food for the children. So, children funded by agency ABC were going on a trip. She says, " I wonder if XYZ will give food to the children going on the trip". I say, "No, the children going on the trip are funded by ABC", she says, " I KNOW that." Uh, then why would you ask such a dumb question?
5. She is like the dumbest person EVER. I am a salaried employee. If I work 30 hours, if I work 75 hours, I get the same amount. My assistant, is not a salaried worker. So, she gets paid by the hour, goes into overtime, time and a half, etc. The supervisor says, (in a whiny, annoying voice), "Um, S, I don't understand why T worked 65 hours last week". I answer, "Well, I worked 70 hours last week and she was you know, assisting me." She says, "Well, I know sometimes you guys hang out in the office." I interrupt, "HANG OUT? In the office? Seriously? I may hang out at a restaurant or a club but, I certainly do not hang out in the office. What I do there is work." She says, "Well, I want her to stick to her schedule as much as possible. I understand you have things to do but try to use her more during the hours she is supposed to report to work". Uh, okay.
6. Did I mention how annoying she was?
7. She couldn't do the job I currently do. Three years ago, she ran the programs I currently run. Correction, I run two other programs in addition to the ones she ran. She couldn't handle it and (I know I'm going to hell for saying this but I don't care), she cracked under the pressure. Like she LITERALLY nutted it up. (That's why I mentioned faking a nervous breakdown. Going crazy helped her, she was given a sweeter, easier position, prior to the one she currently has).
8. She says dumb things like, "Let me think about that" when I ask her a question when we both know what she really is going to do is ask our head supervisor. Why can't she just say, "I'll ask C" because I ALREADY know that's what she is going to do.
9. She likes to question all of my decisions. Mind you, she just became my supervisor like a few weeks ago. I've been running these programs since the school year began without incident now, all of a sudden, she all, "Why did you do that?" "How do you feel about that decision?" She LOVES to say things like, "When I ran those programs..." or "When I held your postion..." I ALWAYS want to answer, "You mean when you nutted it up and were hospitalized over kids? You mean those times? Mmmmm? STFU _itch
10. She STARES at me. We're having a conference, I look up and she is staring in my face. We are in a city wide conference, there are literally hundreds of people in a room, I look up and guess who is looking back? This chick is scary.
4. The hours. 10 - 6 are very sucky hours. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get and I still haven't become accustomed to the time. When I get home, it's about 7 or later, always too late in my eyes to go out and do something after work. Plus, its a really long stretch of time to leave Sam.
3. The kids. The kids in my programs are really nutty. They start fihgts with one another, are sometimes disrespectful to my staff and often do the most inappropriate things.
2. The stuff I have to do. I think its been well established that I am lazy. I have SO much stuff to do EVERYDAY. Its exhausting. I'm stressed out, tired and very unhappy.
#1. My new supervisor. This chick gets on my nerves so much! Let us count the ways:
A) She has WAY less experience than I do:
1. I have been an educator or in education for like 12 years now. This girl has 4 years in.
2. She got her job as a favor. She and I held similar positions last year (I do more work than her and, I get paid more!). She left to go to graduate school (to get one of the degrees I already hold). She COULDN'T GET IN! So, our supervisor MADE UP a position for her so that she could have a job until she takes REMEDIAL classes to be able to get into Grad School. (Mmmmmmmmm)
3. She has no command of the English language. Now, I know that in this blog I make many mistakes but, this is my personal who gives a shit writing. This woman writes things like (actually taken from a circulated memo) "In which capacitye will these supplies be used in". WTF!?!!!
4. She pretends to know EVERYTHING. Our programs are funded by grants given by the city. A group of our children are funded by one agency, lets call the agency ABC. Another group of children are funded by another agency, lets call it XYZ. Children from XYZ agency receive supper every evening and food is provided to them if they go on trips. Agency ABC does not provide food but will reimburse you if you buy food for the children. So, children funded by agency ABC were going on a trip. She says, " I wonder if XYZ will give food to the children going on the trip". I say, "No, the children going on the trip are funded by ABC", she says, " I KNOW that." Uh, then why would you ask such a dumb question?
5. She is like the dumbest person EVER. I am a salaried employee. If I work 30 hours, if I work 75 hours, I get the same amount. My assistant, is not a salaried worker. So, she gets paid by the hour, goes into overtime, time and a half, etc. The supervisor says, (in a whiny, annoying voice), "Um, S, I don't understand why T worked 65 hours last week". I answer, "Well, I worked 70 hours last week and she was you know, assisting me." She says, "Well, I know sometimes you guys hang out in the office." I interrupt, "HANG OUT? In the office? Seriously? I may hang out at a restaurant or a club but, I certainly do not hang out in the office. What I do there is work." She says, "Well, I want her to stick to her schedule as much as possible. I understand you have things to do but try to use her more during the hours she is supposed to report to work". Uh, okay.
6. Did I mention how annoying she was?
7. She couldn't do the job I currently do. Three years ago, she ran the programs I currently run. Correction, I run two other programs in addition to the ones she ran. She couldn't handle it and (I know I'm going to hell for saying this but I don't care), she cracked under the pressure. Like she LITERALLY nutted it up. (That's why I mentioned faking a nervous breakdown. Going crazy helped her, she was given a sweeter, easier position, prior to the one she currently has).
8. She says dumb things like, "Let me think about that" when I ask her a question when we both know what she really is going to do is ask our head supervisor. Why can't she just say, "I'll ask C" because I ALREADY know that's what she is going to do.
9. She likes to question all of my decisions. Mind you, she just became my supervisor like a few weeks ago. I've been running these programs since the school year began without incident now, all of a sudden, she all, "Why did you do that?" "How do you feel about that decision?" She LOVES to say things like, "When I ran those programs..." or "When I held your postion..." I ALWAYS want to answer, "You mean when you nutted it up and were hospitalized over kids? You mean those times? Mmmmm? STFU _itch
10. She STARES at me. We're having a conference, I look up and she is staring in my face. We are in a city wide conference, there are literally hundreds of people in a room, I look up and guess who is looking back? This chick is scary.
2.10.2008
Another my job sucks post
My job sucks so much that for much of this weekend, all I've been thinking about is how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. On Friday, I thought, I don't want to go to work Monday, yesterday, I spoke about it for like two hours and tonight when I looked up and saw it was 9 o'clock, I nearly cried. Work, sucks so much.
If I quit my job right now, I have about 5 months worth of money to live on but after being unemployed before, its something I don't want to chance. But, I'm going to go crazy if I have to go to that horrible place everyday like, I really am. Thinking about not wanting to go to work two days before I have to go is horrible, really, really horrible.
I'm seriously thinking of faking a nervous break down or something so that I can go on leave.
This shit sucks.
If I quit my job right now, I have about 5 months worth of money to live on but after being unemployed before, its something I don't want to chance. But, I'm going to go crazy if I have to go to that horrible place everyday like, I really am. Thinking about not wanting to go to work two days before I have to go is horrible, really, really horrible.
I'm seriously thinking of faking a nervous break down or something so that I can go on leave.
This shit sucks.
2.04.2008
So get this:
The girl that the Brit was running around with is all over MySpace (I know I'm too old for MySpace but, everyone has an account) blasting how much she's in love with him and how great things are for them. I didn't know I cared until I saw her blogging about it like it was this great and wonderful thing.
Mind you after we found about one another, she was trying to be my friend, talking "Sis, we should hang out, blah, blah, blah" I was like, "nah, that's aiight" cause you know, I don't know that chick, what I look like hanging out with the next chick?
Then she was on this, "maybe you should forgive him, you were with him first, blah, blah, blah, you know how guys are, maybe he just made a mistake, see where it goes, blah, blah, blah". I mean, we realy had a couple of conversations about this nig and now, she's so in love with him?
What the crap is that about?
Mind you after we found about one another, she was trying to be my friend, talking "Sis, we should hang out, blah, blah, blah" I was like, "nah, that's aiight" cause you know, I don't know that chick, what I look like hanging out with the next chick?
Then she was on this, "maybe you should forgive him, you were with him first, blah, blah, blah, you know how guys are, maybe he just made a mistake, see where it goes, blah, blah, blah". I mean, we realy had a couple of conversations about this nig and now, she's so in love with him?
What the crap is that about?
2.01.2008
I might be moving!
So, as though life isn't exciting enough, I might be moving soon. See, for the past few months or so, my house has had some serious issues. I was in the process of renovating, which was going over quite well but then, this:
happened. What the hell is that you ask? THAT, my friends is water damage. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, in the midst of all of my decorating, renovating and rearranging, water has been creeping in through the facade of the house. So, one day I go to remove my curtains after purchasing some nifty match stick blinds from a very nice home design store and (whatever noise crumbling plaster makes), there's a hole in my wall. I call the guy who fixes these things and SURPRISE, the entire back wall needs to be replaced. Isn't that special? So, 4,000 bucks and lots of plaster, dust and horrible smelling men later, this:
happens.
What the hell is that you ask? That is my bedroom ceiling, right over the lovely fireplace. One day, I'm straightening up, I look up and see a crack in the ceiling. Oooo, a crack in the ceiling I think, I better call that guy. But then I saw shoes or a bag or got hungry or something and forgot. So, on some other day, Sam and I are doing who knows what in the bedroom, for arguments sake, lets just say we're dancing. Sam looks up at the ceiling and hauls ass into the next room and since it is Black folks policy to run first ask questions later, I followed suit. No less than 45 seconds (or so) later, boom, the ceiling falls. 1,550 bucks later and sweating, unappealing men in my bedroom and all fixed.
Great! So, I decide its time to have a house inspection, don't want anymore surprises. House passes inspection, only minor things need to be fixed, fine.
So yesterday, I'm home, I'm sick, I'm laying in bed and Sam keeps barking. Shut up Sam! I'm calling him all kinds of names that one can only make up when they are sick, have a 102 temperature and are tired of hearing their little (but very loud mouthed dog) bark continuously for two hours. Finally, I get up to investigate. There is water dripping from my tenants house, into my studio and like half my ceiling is wet. Oh F! This is the last thing I want to deal with because you know, I'm sick and stuff. I call my tenants, they are not home. I call their cell phones, no answer. I call that guy, no answer. Oh F!! I call The Heavenly One because I, with my 102 temperature am not equipped to deal with this foolishness. So, I get back in the bed thinking everything will be fine. I wake up to THO shaking me, the leak has gotten worse and she hasn't gotten in touch with anyone to do anything about the leak. Oh F! As a last ditch attempt, I call Mysterious Ex because he owns a home, knows lots of folks who fix things, has gotten me people to fix things in my house before and I'M SICK, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! So, ME gets in touch with this guy who did my water main like three years ago (wow, it still amazes me that ME and I have known each other for so long, though you know, we're not speaking anymore) so, the guy calls and says he'll be over in about an hour. Great! I get back in the bed, The Heavenly One goes downstairs to drink tea or watch tv or whatever, at that point, I really didn't care. So, Sam and I climb back into bed and BAM! this happens:
The biggest and scariest one yet.
So, I kind of feel like my house is crumbling all around me. I'm going to have workers come in and do lots of work. I mean really, the house was built in 1910, its bound to have some issues, I just think its kond of weird that this all seems to be happening like this.
So, here is the deal: my cousin owns a condo in tres chic Williamsburg. The maintenance is only 500 a month, taxes, 1100 a year so, I would give her 600 a month to cover all of that. Gas, light and electricity and included. (sweet!) I mean, her place is a lot smaller than mine. I'm leaving a whole house for a two bedroom. Sam will be really upset because right now when I go to work, I just walk him down the street to THO's where he stays for the day with her and her dog and, I REALLY like my neighborhood. Its really cool and eclectic and there are cool new things popping up every weekend.
Truthfully at this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could move in with THO, she has a vacant apartment but, then I'd live with MY MOM, at 30! I don't want to upset Sam's life, I know that he'll be very upset, and probably bark all day, bothering the neighbors and such. I may:
a) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, live at my cousin's for the duration then move back
b) do the same but live at THO's
c) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, rent out my part of the house, stay at my cousin's then use the equity and extra money to by anothe house
d) not do any work (which is expensive btw) and sell my house, which has been getting on my nerves lately and get another house or condo
All in all, this really bothers me because, my job sucks, I'm still sick (I have a respitory infection) and, who wants to move?
So, I'm nut sure. Part of me wants to move because its something different and I'm always down for change however, one thing that sticks in my head is Sam. I work pretty weird hours, 10 -6 which means I'm out of the house usually between 9 - 7 and if something goes down at a school, I'm easily out in the street until about 10. I can't do that to Booger-Man. He's very accustomed to being with my mom and her dog where he plays in the yards, has a little bed and more importantly, has regular company. My nutty mother even makes her doctor's appointments INSANELY early so that the dogs are not by themselves for too long. It may seem weird to have a dog be such a factor in my decision but Sam is my baby boy, I want him to be happy.
Also, I'm not sure if there's a strong black, neo-soul, vintage-y, artsy, underground clique there, (we are STRONG in the Stuy) plus, its just cool living in Bed Stuy, W'burgh really isn't supposed to be that cool anymore.
So, I have a lot of decisions to make. I don't want to stay at my job, I may want to move, there's so much to think about.
happened. What the hell is that you ask? THAT, my friends is water damage. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, in the midst of all of my decorating, renovating and rearranging, water has been creeping in through the facade of the house. So, one day I go to remove my curtains after purchasing some nifty match stick blinds from a very nice home design store and (whatever noise crumbling plaster makes), there's a hole in my wall. I call the guy who fixes these things and SURPRISE, the entire back wall needs to be replaced. Isn't that special? So, 4,000 bucks and lots of plaster, dust and horrible smelling men later, this:
happens.
What the hell is that you ask? That is my bedroom ceiling, right over the lovely fireplace. One day, I'm straightening up, I look up and see a crack in the ceiling. Oooo, a crack in the ceiling I think, I better call that guy. But then I saw shoes or a bag or got hungry or something and forgot. So, on some other day, Sam and I are doing who knows what in the bedroom, for arguments sake, lets just say we're dancing. Sam looks up at the ceiling and hauls ass into the next room and since it is Black folks policy to run first ask questions later, I followed suit. No less than 45 seconds (or so) later, boom, the ceiling falls. 1,550 bucks later and sweating, unappealing men in my bedroom and all fixed.
Great! So, I decide its time to have a house inspection, don't want anymore surprises. House passes inspection, only minor things need to be fixed, fine.
So yesterday, I'm home, I'm sick, I'm laying in bed and Sam keeps barking. Shut up Sam! I'm calling him all kinds of names that one can only make up when they are sick, have a 102 temperature and are tired of hearing their little (but very loud mouthed dog) bark continuously for two hours. Finally, I get up to investigate. There is water dripping from my tenants house, into my studio and like half my ceiling is wet. Oh F! This is the last thing I want to deal with because you know, I'm sick and stuff. I call my tenants, they are not home. I call their cell phones, no answer. I call that guy, no answer. Oh F!! I call The Heavenly One because I, with my 102 temperature am not equipped to deal with this foolishness. So, I get back in the bed thinking everything will be fine. I wake up to THO shaking me, the leak has gotten worse and she hasn't gotten in touch with anyone to do anything about the leak. Oh F! As a last ditch attempt, I call Mysterious Ex because he owns a home, knows lots of folks who fix things, has gotten me people to fix things in my house before and I'M SICK, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! So, ME gets in touch with this guy who did my water main like three years ago (wow, it still amazes me that ME and I have known each other for so long, though you know, we're not speaking anymore) so, the guy calls and says he'll be over in about an hour. Great! I get back in the bed, The Heavenly One goes downstairs to drink tea or watch tv or whatever, at that point, I really didn't care. So, Sam and I climb back into bed and BAM! this happens:
The biggest and scariest one yet.
So, I kind of feel like my house is crumbling all around me. I'm going to have workers come in and do lots of work. I mean really, the house was built in 1910, its bound to have some issues, I just think its kond of weird that this all seems to be happening like this.
So, here is the deal: my cousin owns a condo in tres chic Williamsburg. The maintenance is only 500 a month, taxes, 1100 a year so, I would give her 600 a month to cover all of that. Gas, light and electricity and included. (sweet!) I mean, her place is a lot smaller than mine. I'm leaving a whole house for a two bedroom. Sam will be really upset because right now when I go to work, I just walk him down the street to THO's where he stays for the day with her and her dog and, I REALLY like my neighborhood. Its really cool and eclectic and there are cool new things popping up every weekend.
Truthfully at this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could move in with THO, she has a vacant apartment but, then I'd live with MY MOM, at 30! I don't want to upset Sam's life, I know that he'll be very upset, and probably bark all day, bothering the neighbors and such. I may:
a) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, live at my cousin's for the duration then move back
b) do the same but live at THO's
c) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, rent out my part of the house, stay at my cousin's then use the equity and extra money to by anothe house
d) not do any work (which is expensive btw) and sell my house, which has been getting on my nerves lately and get another house or condo
All in all, this really bothers me because, my job sucks, I'm still sick (I have a respitory infection) and, who wants to move?
So, I'm nut sure. Part of me wants to move because its something different and I'm always down for change however, one thing that sticks in my head is Sam. I work pretty weird hours, 10 -6 which means I'm out of the house usually between 9 - 7 and if something goes down at a school, I'm easily out in the street until about 10. I can't do that to Booger-Man. He's very accustomed to being with my mom and her dog where he plays in the yards, has a little bed and more importantly, has regular company. My nutty mother even makes her doctor's appointments INSANELY early so that the dogs are not by themselves for too long. It may seem weird to have a dog be such a factor in my decision but Sam is my baby boy, I want him to be happy.
Also, I'm not sure if there's a strong black, neo-soul, vintage-y, artsy, underground clique there, (we are STRONG in the Stuy) plus, its just cool living in Bed Stuy, W'burgh really isn't supposed to be that cool anymore.
So, I have a lot of decisions to make. I don't want to stay at my job, I may want to move, there's so much to think about.
1.28.2008
I think I'm ready to quit my job
I'm ready for something new. Believe me, a chick likes her regular paycheck. Not having a job a while back was not cool at all but, I'm tired, I'm through. That incident last week was enough for me. Here I sit at 9 in the morning sitting when I should be getting ready to leave the house. I called in and said I was going to be three hours late because I just don't want to go.
I'm ready for a change.
I'm ready for a change.
1.24.2008
Work Sucks
My job is sooooo stressful. I am just getting home (well, about a half hour ago) because there was some big fight after a basketball game that I had to investigate. This is the third big fight since the beginning of the New Year. I am tired of these kids. They fight over the dumbest things, "she looked at my boyfriend", "he said my mother is ugly", "I think he said my brother is gay". And I mean REALLY fight like trying to stab each other with pens, hit each other with garbage cans, or in the case of tonight, threatening to run home and get a gun. I. Think. I. Am. Done. Time to find a new job. My head hurts.
1.06.2008
I am feeling so much better now.
First, thank you to everyone for your kind words, suggestions and even for just taking the time to read what I have to write. You people rock.
So, this weekend was a good one.
Yesterday, I ran the street. I went to see a friend perform at a small place in Lower Manhattan then, I came back to the Stuy to catch a craft fair. I wanted to buy a crocheted hat but by the time I got there, there wasn't anything left. That sucked. (I have to up my crocheting game, it would be great to make my own stuff). Then, I went to a friend's store and bought the greatest bag I've bought in two weeks, the last being this green crocodile (I know, I felt bad for the crocodile too but, this bag is RIDICULOUS!) number that is... I have no words.
When I got home last night, I was sooooooooo hungry. It was ridiculous so, I ordered a pizza from dominos, right online, it was so easy, it was scary. I can just see myself now ordering pizzas at 2 in the morning online. So there, like 1 in the morning, I'm sitting on the floor with Sam and the cat (Sebastian) eating hot wings and pepperoni, onion, black olive, meatball, ham, green pepper pizza, which coincidentally became my breakfast, lunch and dinner today too.
Today, I did NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
In an attempt to make new friends, I joined a Crafting group. A bunch of people who get together to, I guess, talk about crafting and art and share their work. Sounds cool. We were supposed to meet at a local restaurant for brunch this afternoon but, I didn't do that becuase I did NOTHING. I ate, I drank juice, I shuffled around a bit, I tried to take a nap but the cat kept jumping around so that was a no go, I ate some more, drank some more, plucked my eyebrows and managed to half wash my hair (I promise to do some au napturale updates as a few people have asked me to) and other than that, I did nothing.
So, my friend, the one who owns the store, and I were talking about the Brit yesterday. She thinks I should have a sit down talk with him as she says she REALLY likes him and thinks it is the duty of most men to act a fool. She brings up the point that he was really nice to me and how well he and I got along to prove her case. She feels if our talk goes well, I should give him another chance and then see how things go. She poins out the fact that I've given Ian (Mysterious Ex) 3-4 years of try agains. I pointed out that M.E. never had another woman involved in our relationship (not that I recall) our foolishness was OUR foolishness (or rather his). I'm not sure how I feel about speaking with the Brit face to face. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of giving him another chance. Honesty is very important to me. The weird thing is, if he had just told me, I dig you but I'd like to see other people, this entire situation wouldn't bother me that much, not at all but, the fact that he INSISTED that we be exclusive then I find out he's chatting up other chicks and running around town with some other broad, I just can't deal with that.
So, this same friend wants to hook me up with her cousin. Her cousin is a chef, a nice guy, I've known him or a bit of time. He actually came to the Christmas party I threw a few weeks back. He's tall, works at some fancy restaurant in the city and has his own catering business. He's nice looking, very nice looking, tall, owns a brownstone (in a nicer part of the Stuy than I do, not that I'm a gold digger but, his house HAS to be worth like 850 now) and apparently, he digs me.
Now, I'll rewind, over the summer, in the midst of the M.E. stuff right around the time I met the Brit, my friend, we'll call her B, kept talking about her cousin A. "You should meet A." "Wait 'til he sees you, you're his type." "He needs a good woman in his life." etc. We met probably in September but, I was real deep into the Brit so, he was just some dude, I wasn't very interested. At my Christmas party, he sat near me when I sat down. When he came and when he left, he gave me this big hug. He was checking out my stuff, he complimented my taste in furniture, my newly renovated kitchen (which is FINALLY done, and remember, he's a chef so a compliment on the kitchen is a BIG thing) and, the last time I saw him, I asked "how are you?" and he answered, (I SWEAR!) "much better now that I'm in your presence", (he was holding my hand in BOTH his hands and looking RIGHT into my eyes when he said this) of course I just giggled and said "go on" like the good girl I am, hee hee. Then, when I left, he gave me apeck on the cheek. B says he's a bit intimidated by me because I'm young (I'm 30, he's 42). He thinks:
A) I'll think he's too old for me
B) I'm cute (he thinks I'm cute!) and I have a bunch of men in my wait
C) I'm career oriented (men think anyone not working at McDonalds is career oriented) and may not want a relationship
Someone told me he was talking about me not very long ago (maybe a week). According to this person he went on about how intelligent and stylish I am, how I have great taste and how I'm a "good girl" cause he sees me with my mom, with Sam and doing nice wholesome activities. I thought the "wholesome activities" part was hilarious.
So, I have his number. I was thinking of calling him but, I've never called a man first, what do I say? What do we talk about? Do I just ask him out? I'm not sure. I'd like to be bad ass and call him, set up a date and everything but truthfully, I'm not that bad ass, at least I don't think I am. As sad as I was the other day, I'm not going to let that get me down for long. I'm going to keep moving.
So, this weekend was a good one.
Yesterday, I ran the street. I went to see a friend perform at a small place in Lower Manhattan then, I came back to the Stuy to catch a craft fair. I wanted to buy a crocheted hat but by the time I got there, there wasn't anything left. That sucked. (I have to up my crocheting game, it would be great to make my own stuff). Then, I went to a friend's store and bought the greatest bag I've bought in two weeks, the last being this green crocodile (I know, I felt bad for the crocodile too but, this bag is RIDICULOUS!) number that is... I have no words.
When I got home last night, I was sooooooooo hungry. It was ridiculous so, I ordered a pizza from dominos, right online, it was so easy, it was scary. I can just see myself now ordering pizzas at 2 in the morning online. So there, like 1 in the morning, I'm sitting on the floor with Sam and the cat (Sebastian) eating hot wings and pepperoni, onion, black olive, meatball, ham, green pepper pizza, which coincidentally became my breakfast, lunch and dinner today too.
Today, I did NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
In an attempt to make new friends, I joined a Crafting group. A bunch of people who get together to, I guess, talk about crafting and art and share their work. Sounds cool. We were supposed to meet at a local restaurant for brunch this afternoon but, I didn't do that becuase I did NOTHING. I ate, I drank juice, I shuffled around a bit, I tried to take a nap but the cat kept jumping around so that was a no go, I ate some more, drank some more, plucked my eyebrows and managed to half wash my hair (I promise to do some au napturale updates as a few people have asked me to) and other than that, I did nothing.
So, my friend, the one who owns the store, and I were talking about the Brit yesterday. She thinks I should have a sit down talk with him as she says she REALLY likes him and thinks it is the duty of most men to act a fool. She brings up the point that he was really nice to me and how well he and I got along to prove her case. She feels if our talk goes well, I should give him another chance and then see how things go. She poins out the fact that I've given Ian (Mysterious Ex) 3-4 years of try agains. I pointed out that M.E. never had another woman involved in our relationship (not that I recall) our foolishness was OUR foolishness (or rather his). I'm not sure how I feel about speaking with the Brit face to face. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of giving him another chance. Honesty is very important to me. The weird thing is, if he had just told me, I dig you but I'd like to see other people, this entire situation wouldn't bother me that much, not at all but, the fact that he INSISTED that we be exclusive then I find out he's chatting up other chicks and running around town with some other broad, I just can't deal with that.
So, this same friend wants to hook me up with her cousin. Her cousin is a chef, a nice guy, I've known him or a bit of time. He actually came to the Christmas party I threw a few weeks back. He's tall, works at some fancy restaurant in the city and has his own catering business. He's nice looking, very nice looking, tall, owns a brownstone (in a nicer part of the Stuy than I do, not that I'm a gold digger but, his house HAS to be worth like 850 now) and apparently, he digs me.
Now, I'll rewind, over the summer, in the midst of the M.E. stuff right around the time I met the Brit, my friend, we'll call her B, kept talking about her cousin A. "You should meet A." "Wait 'til he sees you, you're his type." "He needs a good woman in his life." etc. We met probably in September but, I was real deep into the Brit so, he was just some dude, I wasn't very interested. At my Christmas party, he sat near me when I sat down. When he came and when he left, he gave me this big hug. He was checking out my stuff, he complimented my taste in furniture, my newly renovated kitchen (which is FINALLY done, and remember, he's a chef so a compliment on the kitchen is a BIG thing) and, the last time I saw him, I asked "how are you?" and he answered, (I SWEAR!) "much better now that I'm in your presence", (he was holding my hand in BOTH his hands and looking RIGHT into my eyes when he said this) of course I just giggled and said "go on" like the good girl I am, hee hee. Then, when I left, he gave me apeck on the cheek. B says he's a bit intimidated by me because I'm young (I'm 30, he's 42). He thinks:
A) I'll think he's too old for me
B) I'm cute (he thinks I'm cute!) and I have a bunch of men in my wait
C) I'm career oriented (men think anyone not working at McDonalds is career oriented) and may not want a relationship
Someone told me he was talking about me not very long ago (maybe a week). According to this person he went on about how intelligent and stylish I am, how I have great taste and how I'm a "good girl" cause he sees me with my mom, with Sam and doing nice wholesome activities. I thought the "wholesome activities" part was hilarious.
So, I have his number. I was thinking of calling him but, I've never called a man first, what do I say? What do we talk about? Do I just ask him out? I'm not sure. I'd like to be bad ass and call him, set up a date and everything but truthfully, I'm not that bad ass, at least I don't think I am. As sad as I was the other day, I'm not going to let that get me down for long. I'm going to keep moving.
1.02.2008
A New Year
I am trying to remain positive and be upbeat. When I am with other people, it is very easy, I laugh, make jokes, enjoy being around them but, when I am by myself, it hurts a lot and admittedly, I have been crying a lot. I just finished crying as a matter of fact. It doesn't make me feel much better but, it does feel as though some heaviness has been alleviated, even if only for a little bit of time.
I continuously try to see the good in people but, it is very hard when I always come across people that I can't seem to find much good in.
I spoke briefly wih the Brit and (surprise!) I spoke with the other girl. He keeps pledging all of this love and affection for me, telling me that he wants me, wants to be with me but apparently, he's been telling this girl the same things.
I am convinced there is something wrong with me. It is IMPOSSIBLE that one person can continuously run into the same foolishness time and time again. I even found myself texting Ian (Mysterious Ex) tonight. Yeah, it got THAT bad. I'm not sure what hearing from him is supposed to do for me but admittedly, I am just very lonely very tired and very hurt. I'm not sure how much more I have to give to anyone. Myself included.
I continuously try to see the good in people but, it is very hard when I always come across people that I can't seem to find much good in.
I spoke briefly wih the Brit and (surprise!) I spoke with the other girl. He keeps pledging all of this love and affection for me, telling me that he wants me, wants to be with me but apparently, he's been telling this girl the same things.
I am convinced there is something wrong with me. It is IMPOSSIBLE that one person can continuously run into the same foolishness time and time again. I even found myself texting Ian (Mysterious Ex) tonight. Yeah, it got THAT bad. I'm not sure what hearing from him is supposed to do for me but admittedly, I am just very lonely very tired and very hurt. I'm not sure how much more I have to give to anyone. Myself included.
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