I'm very confused

I am, as the title describes very confused about my current situation. I have this toss up betweeen New Guy and Mysterious Ex. I never thought that I would but, here it is. I love Mysterious Ex, yes. He is a great guy. He's very intelligent, he's funny, he doesn't take life or himself too seriously, he's very ambitious, we have these great conversations and debates on anything from the war in Iraq to Tom and Jerry cartoons. We enjoy a lot of the same things, art, music, cooking, politics, etc. but we have interests in other things which keeps our relationship very interesting and creative. He's sweet, he's kind, he's compassionate, he's manly but sensitive, he has so many great qualities. He thinks I'm wonderful and I feel the same way about him. He's a joy for me to be around. The problem? He works long hours, has a few intimacy problems (communication wise not sexual) and doesn't seem to have enough time for me. The addition of me in his life seems to stressing him. Not that he has said that himself but, we live over an hour away from one another. After he's worked from 10 in the morning until 7 or 8 at night, I know it's a lot for him to go home, get changed then spend time with me. Even if he comes to me straight from work, I know that it's a lot. It's a weird difficult situation.

Then, there is New Guy who honestly has many of the qualities that Mysterious Ex has. He's a very intelligent guy. He's funny, he's smart, his politics are more fitting with mine, he's a bit more liberal. We also have these discussions ranging from world politics to the best way to load up your toothbrush. It's very easy to talk to him, he's very easy to be around. He's compassionate and thoughtful and ambitious (he's older so he's accomplished a bit more career wise). He's in this mode where he is ready for a "relationship" relationship, he's looking to be married within the next year or two. I am not sure if I am ready for that or not. Though Mysterious Ex and I have spoken about longevity in our relationship, it is obvious that we are not quite ready for that leap. It would be great if we could get through a few months without our relationship crumbling around us.

I honestly am perplexed about this. Though Mysterious Ex has the obvious advantage because I love and care deeply for him, I am intrigued by New Guy. I like to talk to him, he is available to me, which I like. I thought this was simple, cut and dry but, I keep coming back to this place of uncertainty, of unsuredness (I think that's a word). I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up for too long. Though New Guy knows of Mysterious Ex, M.E. doesn't know of New Guy. I am attracted to the both of them, but, it isn't a coin toss. It isn't as though I could choose one over the other and think nothing of it. As I have said, Mysterious Ex is the obvious choice, the obvious choice. But, I need more than love to have a good relationship, I know that. It's difficult to have a relationship with someone who usually isn't there.

Am I answering my own question? My heart doesn't think so.

Wow

I told New Guy that I was going to concentrate on my relationship with Mysterious Ex. I felt as though I were not giving M.E. as much effort as he seems to be trying to give me. New Guy took it very hard. I was really surprised as I didn't know he liked me so much, we've only known one another for a few weeks. He tried thoroughly to convince me that Mysterious Ex doesn't have my best interest in mind. He tried to convince me to ignore M.E. and try a relationship with him. I have to say, I was moved. Only once in my life have I had a man try to go all out for me and that guy was a nut, literally. He tells me if things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I that I should give him a call because he will be there and very interested. I hope that somewhere in the back of my mind I am not keeping this noted. I want things to work out with Mysterious Ex and I, he is a great guy and we get along fantastically. We have had some problems, yes, but not as big as problems I've had in the past in previous relationships and not as bad as some of the relationships other people I know are in. They are both great men, it is weird that that is the thing I have wanted for a long time, someone cool to just be with, I have the opportunity to do that with two very willing candidates and they happen to be around at the same time. I do love Mysterious Ex, I can see myself with him as a life partner, I see us together, raising children, paying bills, etc. But, New Guy does not seem like a bad candidate for that life. He is very interested in being married, in starting that life, he and I share many things in common from what we find funny to our politics. I hope that I am not choosing Mysterious Ex based only on the fact that we have known each other for such a long time. Yes I love him, but our relationship is a complicated one where I have been hurt or rather, we have hurt one another. Being with Mysterioous Ex just feels right. Even when seeing one another after three months, it just feels right. It doesn't feel as though any time has passed or any of the negative things that occurred between us happened at all. This is a very sticky situation. I can't say any more.

Finally

So, Mysterious Ex and I have seen one another. We had a lengthy discussion, followed by a lengthy kissing, rubbing session, (the second probably shouldn't have happened, but what cha gonna do?). I think we may be on the right track. We discussed all of our past behaviors, how we hope to rectify them and what we both want for US, collectively as a couple. I hope it works this time.

I Have Come to a Decision

Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 2 eggs, grits, sausage, toast
Lunch: Turkey and Cheese Sandwich
Dinner: Shrimp, Scallops and Crab
Lots of mini pretzels during the day

Hours on Phone: about 3

Resumes: 5

Exercise: Nada, I cut my foot yesterday :(

Bought: Some fabric for the doll I am working on


I made a decision today. I guess it is a difficult one and it kind of goes against a decision I made yesterday. Mysterious Ex is being his usual self. It's so difficult because he says he loves me, we break up and he's goes out of his way to try to get me to be with him again. He professes all of these feelings and adoration but, once we are together again, he seems to run right back into his old habits. He doesn't call as much as I would like him to. There was a time when he literally called me 4 or 5 times a day. Now it's once or twice. He doesn't even seem to have time for me. Here I am again waiting for him to call, waiting for him to make good on a promise. I don't want to complain because I know that he is going through things right now but, this is just how things were before between us. I feel as though I have no idea what's going on. Sometimes I think it may have been better if we had just left things the way they were. I know that I was sad without him and he says he was sad without me but, is it enough for him to just "have" me but not really spend time with me? I am not sure if he just wants us to be together in name because it seems to me as though he isn't making a true effort to spend more time with me. It's aggravating.

Then, there is New Guy who is sweet, and smart, and funny and a really great guy, (Mysterious Ex is also) but, he seems so much more interested in getting to know me. He always wants to spend time with me, he always wants to talk to me, he rearranges his schedule around me. Last night he said something to me that I haven't heard from Mysterious Ex in a truly long time. He plainly asked me, "what are we doing this weekend?" It was very sweet, I was actually taken a aback, not sure exactly what I should answer. Truth be told, since they both have similar attributes it would seem easy to just choose the one who seems to give more effort, he seems the better candidate. As I've said before, the love thing puts a great strain on the issue, but I fear aggravation will shade my rose colored glasses to a crystal clear.

Not Sure What's Going On

Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Toast, 2 sausage, boiled egg

Lunch: Lots of mini pretzels

Dinner: Turkey and Cheese Sandwich (didn't feel like cooking)

Hours on Phone: 2

Resumes: 6

Exercise: 3 hours of yard work

Bought: Coffee online

Well, Mysterious Ex alwasys tells me that I am very quick to dismiss him. He says I get easily upset with him and then I kind of just blow him off. I will not deny that I do that, I won't admit it either. The thing is, he always seems to be so busy, always seems to have so much other stuff going on his life, hence the name, Mysterious Ex. I've never in my life known someone who was ALWAYS on the go, ALWAYS having to do this, that or the other thing. Whenever I think we are going to do something, something else always comes up. He's just constantly moving. I was under the impression, yet again I might add, that we were doing something tonight. But now, he's not feeling well, he's upset over something that truth be told he does have a right to be upset over. I'm not stupid, I know that, he's not involved with anyone else, and the last time we broke up we had this HUGE week long argument where every bit of anger over every little thing he has ever done came out. I sincerely thought that since we had gone through such as ordeal if we tried to get together again, things would surely be different. It doesn't seem that way though. I don't want to go right ahead and dismiss him, especially since this is something he has told me I do over and over and over but, I often am not sure what else I should really do. I just really don't think that a relationship should be this difficult. It's a simple thing really, you dig someone, you want to hang out with them, things do come up from time to time in life but ALL of the time? That's just ridiculous. I give this one month, no more, no less, if things improve, great, if they don't, that's fine too. I don't want to give up on what could be a great relationship for a few things that could be fixed.

On the other side of things, I spoke to New Guy for like three hours last night. He really is a nice guy. But as I've said, every man is so nice in the beginning. He's more than a few years older than me which is what I am attributing his relationship oriented mind to. It's sad that I've met him at this stage. Of course I still love Mysterious Ex and that greatly complicates matters. I have told New Guy about M.E. but, M.E. doesn't know about New Guy. If I had met New Guy at a different time, I would totally dig him, actually, I do kind of dig him but, I can't ler go of Mysterious Ex of course. Uggh!, very frustrating stuff.

I Have No Idea What to Think

Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, sausage toast
Lunch: Lots of mini pretzels
Dinner: Indian Chicken, Curried Cabbage and Romaine Lettuce

Hours on Phone: About 2

Resumes: 6

Exercise: 2.5 hours of yard work

Bought: Not a thing

I am very upset. I applied for this job about two weeks ago, maybe a little more. The application for this job was serious and the criteria was pretty high but, I MORE than exceeded what they wanted. I really only apply for jobs for which I am qualified. Anyway, this job wanted writing samples, essays, the whole shabang. Though I may not be a rocket scientist, I am a genius (really, with an IQ of 165 to prove it) and writing, especially the kind that floats the boats of professors, teachers, etc. is my strong point. So strong in fact that I have NEVER gotten anything lower than an A on any paper I have ever written in my life. Even when I was working in public schools and had to turn in IEP's (reports on a child's social and academic development) I was always praised for my writing.

So, after sending in a resume which obviously they liked, they sent me a second addition to the application which required 8 written answers, basically 8 essays. I sat there for hours writing, editing and spell checking my writing then I sent off my application. Today I received a letter from them basically saying they have a very stringent hiring process and I would not be granted an interview, even though I surpasssed their hiring criteria! I am not asking to be GIVEN the job but, not even an interview? That's B.S. if I've ever heard it.

I then e mailed the recruiting agent, even though I maybe should not have done that, asking her what specifically was wrong with my resume and application. I have yet to receive a response. I am just so fed up. I know that my experience is exceptional, I have great education background, it is just aggravating to think that there may be a possibility that the reason I may not be getting a job is because of my name (which is a dead give away that I am Black). That being beside the point, I would think having the experience I do and having attended and graduated from an Ivy League school for graduate studies would at least get me an interview. I'm so upset.

M.E. and me, the Saga Continues

So, it seems as though things between me and Mysterious Ex may be okay. Maybe Mysterious Ex will no longer be so mysterious. We haven't had a serious talk about us but, we are slated to have one this week probably Monday or Tuesday. I am very tired now, it's been a long day I'll have to continue tomorrow.

Could I Have Been Wrong?

Eaten so far today:
Honey Comb (ran out of Frosted Flakes, "Blast!")
Hours on Phone: Less than one, been doing a lot of work in the garden
Resumes: None (it's Sunday)
Exercise: Does three hours of garden work count? I say YES!
Bought: Seed packets from eBay (Have I mentioned lately how I love eBay?)

Well, I spoke to Mysterious Ex again. It seems since I didn't bring up seeing him yesterday he thought I didn't want to see him. He says he asked me "what are WE doing tonight?", I heard, "what are YOU doing tonight?". Anyhoo, since my answer was, "NOTHING", he says he thought I didn't want to see him or have much to do with him, he and I behave in a very silly way, I told him that and he agrees. I guess we will see each other today or some time soon. I don't know why this is so difficult, I care for him, he's cares for me, we just can't seem to get it together.

Is is that we love one another in a way that we don't want to even appear as though we may be trying to hurt the other's feelings? We been through a lot together so I think there is always this need to seem as though we are being aware of one another's feelings. We seem to always be on the perimeter of the action, looking inward at it but not actually jumping into it. I say I wish this were much simpler but, if it were, would that mean that our feelings were not true? I have dated other people and if I didn't want to see them, it was very simple, I just didn't. I didn't talk to them, and it bothered me not one bit. But with him, it's a totally different thing. Until last week, we haven't spoken to one another in like over a month but, it's so easy to just fall back into talking regularly. We both pick up our roles and go with it, simply, with so much ease. I wish we could get together like that, I wish it weren't such a task.