Depression Becomes Her

I've been in this very bad place for the past few days. I know I shouldn't get this way. I know that I have a good life but every so often, I just get kind of down in the dumps about stuff. I hate to feel that way, but it's the truth.

I dont' think I have the Assistant Principal job. They told me they would get back to me by Friday but I haven't heard from them. I thought I had this too, they seemed so interested and when I went for a tour of the school, the principal said, "I'll take you to YOUR office" but, ah well. The funny thing is, I spent all of the extra money in my head, I thought about how I would redocorate and renovate the downstairs the way I wanted to. So, I've been a bit sad about that.

Also, I've been going through this whole thing where I have been missing Mysterious Ex. I thought I was okay but, I think I'm getting anxious with my birthday coming up. For some reason, I think that I'm going to hear from him on my birthday, and that kind of has me on edge. One side of me wants to hear from him, I want things to progress fromt there, but the other side of me knows that isn't a reality. So, I have done this sad sack thing that I always do. As soon as work was over yesterday, I went shopping and bought a bunch of clothes, which I definitely don't need. Thoguh they were pretty cute. Then I went to the furniture store and bought a bunch of accents, just crap to put on shelves, on tables, and I saw a bed that I might get. I came home and shopped on line and bought a ring, a bracelet and an ipod. Then I went to bed, sad, near tears and upset because I thought about the reasons M.E. and I broke up and realized/always knew they were trivial. Then I went to this really dark place where I am thinking, "I was just a joke to him", " I wasn't significant to him", "He never loved me, he just thougt me to be a game to him, I wasn't important". It really hurt. I have to think, if I were important to him, why would he just give up on us so easily, I know I'm the one who intiated our break up but, he didn't give much resistance. I realize I am not over how things ended with us, I'm not okay with it, I kind of just brushed it out of my mind and now I think it is coming back.

I sat in my house yesterday and I just look at the sheer size of it. It's a huge house, way too big for just me. Just room after room of emptiness. I thought about baby and realize this isn't something I want to do by myself, tumor or no tumor. I'm not saying I'm going to hav ethis perfent happy life, but, I don't want to be a single mother, that isn't something I want to do. Doint so would mean that I'm just giving up, I'm not even going to try to make my life what I want it to be. I became upset again because I think, what else is there? Like, what is the point of life and why am I even in existence? Not in an "I want to kill myself type of way", but just in a "what is the point of it all?" kind of way. It makes me upset at times that I am not as strong as I think I am, that I am not as strong as I claim to be or want to be.

I feel very alone. It isn't the "I need a man" type of alone, I'm not that kind of girl. But, I must admit that I miss that kind of companionship, I miss that type of attention. But, even when M.E. and I were together I felt this way because, I barely saw him. Why is it so difficult for me to be in a decent relationship when almost everyone around me has someone in their life. Almost everyone I know has started their family or is on their way to doing so, and here I am, still alone, still waiting or looking or whatever it is I am doing. Then it makes me think, there must be something wrong with me, or I must not be a good person to be so unlovable, so unwantable. Friends and family tell me I am great, and even men that I meet and date casually, but arent' friends and family supposed to tell you that? And men are just trying to fuck me so of course I am great to them. I feel that I am a good person, anyone I have ever dated has told me I am, so, what is the problem?

I never seem to meet someone that I really like, and when I do, there is something wrong with them. Since I was 17, there have been three men that I have taken seriously, and all three of them had some serious problems so, it makes me think I must have problems too, to be attracted to those kinds of people. What do my choices in men say about me as a person? as a woman? The thing is, I think that I built Mysterious Ex up into this unattainable kind of person. Of course he had faults, but I thought so much of him, I allowed myself to love him in such a way that now, it's like no one else can compare to him. One part of me so badly wants to talk to him, even just to ask why? Why did things end up this way? You claimed to have loved me, but not enough to fight for us? I guess I am not worth that. I don't want to be broken hearted, I don't want to be "stuck"on him, but, I am. I have of course tried dating other people since he and I have broken up but, maybe I'm not ready yet. No one that I meet is as smart, is as funny is as put together, I seem to compare everyone to him. It just bothers me so much, I feel as though I've missed out on something huge in my life. I think it's very rare that someone meets a person who so perfectly fits into their version of "it", where will I meet someone like that again? I've convinced myself that meeting someone like him is not likely. But then again, maybe he was not the person I thought he was. If he were, would I be here now?

So, very early this morning, I woke up and made a bunch of shit to eat. I made sweet potato pancakes, sausages, coffee, eggs and I ate it all. I got in the bed and went back to sleep, slept until noon, let Sam run around the back yard for a while, and now I'm in the bed again laptop in tow, shopping online. I don't want to be in this state, it's stereotypical, it's stupid, but this is how I deal, this is what is comfortable to me when I am hurt and right now, I am hurting.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess there isn't much for me to do but just go through it. I wish I were different, I wish I were stronger, but, I'm not, this is just who I am.

So, what do I do? I have seriously thought of just not pursuing a serious relationship anymore, just casually dating and when I am ready to have a child, to just do so because it is obvious that now, I am NOT ready. This way, I would just be single for the rest of my life. I've thought of just getting into a realtionship with the next decent person who wants to be with me but, I know I won't be able to do that, if I'm not into someone, I can't fake it. I've thought of calling M.E. but, I wasn't happy with him with the way things were between us. There's a reason our relationship didn't work. I've thought of calling A again but, I can't do it. I can't be with someone I don't think highly of. I know that I'm young but, in other aspects, in so far as having children and all that jazz, I'm not. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now, that I know but, how long will I be in this heartbroken state? It's been four months, how long will it be before I am okay again?

I'm an asshole, and immature too

I have been dating since I was about 18. Before I met my first serious boyfriend at 18, I of course, went out with a few guys here and there. At the age of 18, when I didn't like a guy for what ever reason, I would just stop talking to him. I would stop calling him and I would no longer take his phone calls. Some guys got it right away, it took others a few weeks and in two cases, several months. The weird thing is, as I've gotten older, (I'll be 28 in two weeks), I do the same thing! What's wrong with me? Why do I do this? I liken myself to be a pretty put together intelligent chick, but, it is hard for me to just say, "hey guy, I don't want to do this, it's not you, it's me, let's just be friends" not me, I just stop talking to the person. I fantasize these long conversations where I am being very adult and discussing the reasons why I and the guy shouldn't see one another, but, I just don't do it.

I'm in the midst of this thing now with A, the guy I was pseudo dating and whom I now consider to be a big idiot. I haven't spoken to him in like 4 four days. I could just call and say, "Hey, A, I made a mistake, maybe we shouldn't pseudo date, I don't like you, you're an bigoted idiot". or, I could just say. "A, this really isn't working out, I think you're a nice person, I just don't think we click". That would be the cool adult thing to do, but, obviously, I'm neither cool nor adult. The funny thing is, every so often, some guy calls me out on my bullshit. I kind of feel bad for the three minutes it takes me to listen to their messages, and sometimes for about four minutes after that, but all in all, I don't really care. The VERY strange thing about it is, that was the way Mysterious Ex handled things, to just stop talking to me, and I HATED that shit. HATED, HATED, HATED. So, why would I do this to other people? I'm not sure really. Maybe I'm afraid of confrontation, maybe I'm just an asshole.



I have that interview tomorrow for the AP position. I guess I'm pulling out the big guns. I have all of my excellent evaluations, my reports from the teacher training I've done, my classroom management program (which can easily be modified for school wide use), reports from all of the after school programs I've been a part of (2 of them being under my direction), I've gone over my educational theories, my discipline tactics, I've pulled out my crispest, most expensive interview outfit (crossing my fingers, legs, toes and eyes that it still fits) and I hope it all works. Looking through my things, I seem to be a pretty proficient person, at least career wise, kind of makes me wonder why I don't use those same tactics in my personal life.

Since I sat on my fat ass shopping on line for half the day yesterday, like some kind of idiot, Sam and I are going for a brisk walk in the park to try and burn off at least some of the three donuts I ate yesterday.