Well, here I am on yet another Saturday alone. My cousin T (the unpregnant one) has invited me to a party that I will probably attend. Mysterious Ex got his truck back this morning but hasn't really made mention of seeing me though he called me three times today. He vaguely mentioned us doing something tomorrow after church (you would swear church were a source of life for him) but I doubt I want to do anything with him. Again, I come last and EVERYTHING else is more important than me. I have for days, actually more than a week just been waiting for this damn wedding to be over so that this bullshit he and I are going through can be over. I really just no longer have the time, energy, patience or want to try and have a relationship with him. It is all just fruitless to me. I dread having to go back into the world of dating, having to meet new people and go on stupid dates but, I guess that is what I am going to have to do in order to find what it is I want, if I happen to find that at all. I don't want to be depressed or bummed out by this, I have been on this feministic hurrah for the last few days so I am trying to stay on that note of positivity.

My doctor has given me a 4 -5 window to try and conceive. Apparently, the fibroids I have are not in the nost ideal location and since removing them may do damage to my uterus and complicate my fertility, he is just going to leave them where they are and watch that they do not grow too big. He wants to me come to him like every three months or so in order to chart their progress so I guess he is quite serious. I mentioned all of this to M.E. and though he seemed very concerned about me when he stole his cousin's car the other day, this news seemed not to affect him as much. He sometimes seems like such a weird person to me. Like he seems as though he so concerned but then when I tell him what the cause of my pain is it's just like "oh". Is he afraid that I want him to impregnate me? Does he think that I will be on some, "let's hurry up and get married" kind of thing? I'm not sure. I know that my patience with him grows thinner than ever and that many times when he and I are speaking, I just want to yell, "shut the fuck up already, just shut up!" I know that I get very agitated with him. I know that very often I am quite curt with him but truthfully, I don't care. I'm tired of caring about his feelings. I'm tired of this entire situation.

The party that I am invited to tonight is being given by this girl who bought a house in my neighborhood. Early last year, I had a Sex and the City party since it was the end of the show and some of the products I was selling through my now defunct business were being featured on the show. One of the people who came to the party was this girl (I really don't know her, she's literally a friend of a friend of my cousin's). Anyhoo, this girl apparently liked my house so much, she bought one righ tin my neighborhood. She asked my cousin to invite me to her party tonight. I don't know if I am entirely in the partying and mingling mood but, I AM tired of being in the house. The party doesn't start until about 10 so I have a few more hours to decide if I want to go or not.

For years, I have met some fucked up guys who have wanted to spend loads of time with me, but now that I've met someone that I actually WANT to spend time with, he never seems to have time or doesn't want to make time for me. I am angry at myself for being a weak woman. I am angry at myself for feeling as though I need to take someone with me to this stupid wedding. I am angry at myself for selling me so short. I am angry at myself for so many reasons. Angry for accepting so little, angry for selling myself short, angry for making myself so available in the past, angry for always willing to give up pieces of myself to make something work, I am angry for being so willing to forgive and accept time and time again. I am supposed to be strong, I am supposed to be independent and free. I am supposed to know what I am worth, I am supposed to be able to make it on my own. I am not supposed to be this: sad, lonely and weak. I hate those parts of myself. I hate that I love someone who is not here and who is such an asshole to me.