One month and one day to go

until my 30th birthday. What joy. :| So, life has been... okay I suppose. Though I haven't much to complain about. I am healthy, happy, and still ravishing as ever (joking of course). The new position is going well though, I am busy as crap every day. I took my locs out since my hair didn't seem to be locking properly. I haven't given Sam a hair cut in about a month so, his hair is longer than its been in a really long time. I've bought the most fabulous fall clothes since it sincerely looks like I'll never get into a size 16/18 again. But, I'm even okay with that. My bum is looking rather scrumptious if I do say so myself since I've found the most comfortable heels and can wear them for longer periods of the day than I normally wear three to four inchers.

Things with the new guy have been honestly...okay. Well, let me re-phrase, things between us are going VERY well. He's very bright, really nice, cute and has the hugest, nappiest afro ever (which I LOVE). He's such a fashionista (maybe fashionisto since, you know, he's a guy) and continuously recognizes when I am wearing quality, vintage, artsy items AND compliments me on them (which I REALLY LOVE). He's considerate, and kind, and sweet, and honestly, I haven't been treated so kindly by another person in a REALLY long time. It's sad to say but, I FORGOT how it felt to be treated with such kindness, and spoken to so gently, and appreciated, and even handled so well. It truly has been a pleasure.

Now, the bad part, and I can honestly say, it comes from me this time, I am woman enough to admit it. About two weeks or so ago, he and I went out to dinner, he came to pick me up, and we went to this great place in my neighborhood. An older friend of mine (this woman is talented, funny, ridiculously smart and, SOOOOO intuitive, she is a great friend/auntie) owns a store about a block away from the restaurant so we went to visit her briefly before we went to eat. I introduced them, she gave me a big hug and kiss, we spoke for about five minutes, then, we went out the door. Last week, about a week later, I go visit her again and she asks, "where is S?" (he is in London currently, oh, yes, he is British), I tell her he is away. When are you going to get him back here? She asks. I laugh and ask Why? Because, she says, that man is your husband. I laugh and laugh you know, because it was sort of funny to me, not in a ewww, he can't be MY husband type of way, but in a oh, go on girl type way. So, she says, honey, I'm not playing with you, when that man gets back here, you do what he says and wrap that up, he is for you, you are for him. But, she tells me, you have to trust, I know its hard but trust him, he is sincere. Then, she goes on to describe something that made me really reflect on myself. She says, last week when y'all were here, when you all were leaving, he reached out for your arm to help you down the stairs, and you grabbed your purse instead of allowing him to help you. The poor man didn't know what to do so, he put his hand in his pocket. I hadn't realized I did that. Then, she continues, I watched you as you went down the street, and you kept your hands to yourself, you didn't reach out to him, touch him, you didn't walk "into" him as you should, don't chase this man away, he's good, I like him a hell of a lot better than any of them other ones I've seen you with. This really made me think. Then I thought of all of the times he's pulled out my chair and I told him he didn't have to. Or when he's gone to open the car door for me and I've told him it was okay. Or, any of the times when in the midst of conversation he's commented, you are so bright, and I've told him to stop. Or, sometimes when we are just sitting there and he's commented on how beautiful or stylish or wonderful he's found me and I've said stop again. Then, I thought of how he told me, he likes to send me email because he can say all of the things he wants to tell me without me stopping or hushing him.

So, have I been changed in some way by all of the horrible men I've dated? I guess the answer would be of course! Have I been so conditioned to accepting bullshit that when a sincere, nice and wonderful person shows up, I can't accept it as it is? I am not one of those women who will say "he's too nice" but, am I trying to get him to play down his niceness? And, why is his being nice, appreciative, affectionate, kind, so disturbing to me? Why can't I allow him to be who he wants to be? I am in turn, being like all of those men I've dated in the past who tried to take me from my element or downplay the person that I am. The ones that I've complained about and not understood. That is now me. He's has been away for a bit over a week now and we have spoken, exchanged email. I've promised to myself, to NOT be that person. I sill not stifle his actions or words AND, I will allow myself to be free to express what I want and how I feel. I've noticed I don't allow myself to do those things, I suppose out of fear of being hurt. This is a learning experience. Whether or not he and I actually go anywhere, I am enjoying the experience NOW. I am relishing in our togetherness for this period. And if nothing else, my spirit has been shaken up a bit. My emotions have been genuinely touched, my thoughts and actions for this period of time are and will be pure. As always, I am going with the flow and taking what I can from this moment.