Its VERY official

I've been duped yet again. Wow! I almost can't believe it.

So...

I'm 30, yay! Not much has changed, not that I expected it to. Work is work, life is life, Sam is Sam. I'm not really sure what's going on with the Brit. As nice and sweet and charming as he seemed, it seems I wasn't the only woman he is being nice and sweet and charming to. We haven't spoken in a few weeks, things just got really weird. At first, it didn't bother me much, at least I tried not to let it do so but, las night, I laid in bed and I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried. It really hurt and I did my best to let it all out.

Tonight I had to go to a function and my mom, The Heavenly One, being the suportive can of wonderful she is came out to be supportive of me. At the function, other women my age were there with their husbands, fiancees and that hurt a lot. I'm just tired still of the same old shit, the same old experiences, the same old nothing.

I have reassessed myself and my life, my thoughts, my actions and I can honestly say, I don't think I'm doing anything entirely wrong to keep attracting all of this bullshit and horribleness into my life. I even spoke to Ian (Mysterious Ex) about whats going on with me and even that dude was like, honestly, you're really really great, you're a wonderful person, you're a good woman, I just think men don't know what to do with you. You make people think about all of the things they are lacking in their lives, you're just really well put together, at least, that's the way I saw it, like I couldn't give you anything you didn't already have. So, I'm back to that shit. Too good for my own good I guess. Its just sad, I'm not really sure what else to say so, I'll leave it at that.

4 Days until my birthday

Its Thanksgiving and everyone is at my place. What does it say that they are all in the kitchen and dining room and I am in the office typing this?

I feel a little distant today. A bit not here. I tried to laugh and talk but, it wasn't coming so freely so, I'm in here typing this and listening to Jill Scott's newest album.

My Brit is back in England. Sadly, his sister was hurt in a car accident. His entire family went back home from all over the world. He says she isn't too bad but, he hasn't given me any details as of yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about turning thirty. I mean, of course I prefer it to the alternative but, it kind of reminds me of all the things I though I would do by thirty that I still haven't done. Well, actually, the biggest thing which is/was get married and have babies. I don't want to harp on that again. But, I'm honest with myself and honestly, I really feel that is what is bothering me today. I guess being around my family and seeing everyone with their significant other and their babies, makes me kind of sad. Partially, I was looking forward to spending this weekend, my nirthday weekend and the holiday with the Brit but, since he is not here, that isn't going to be a possibility. I don't want to sound upset, I do understand that his sister is in not very good shape and needs the support of her family at this time but, it would have been nice to actually spend a birthday with someone I enjoyed.

Ian (Mysterious Ex) called me last night and this morning. I just let the phone ring. I'm not sure of his purpose in calling me but, I just wan't in the mood to listen to whatever foolishness he felt like throwing at me. I'm through with him and his bullshit.

So, as of right now, I don't have any plans for my birthday, poor me. I guess I'll think of something.

12 days to go until my birthday

and all continues to be well. Believe it or not, Mysterious Ex, tried to come back on the scene. He called me one day to ask how I was doing and since he is a computer whiz, I asked about an external hard drive. He said he would pick one up for me and never the one to deny free crap, I said okay. He came over to drop off the hard drive. We hugged, he kissed me on my forehead, we spoke for a few minutes and then out of no where he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, he knows taht for years he's been back and forth, in and out of my life but this time, he was sure, he knew more than anything else in this world that he wanted to be with me. And... he CRIED. HE CRIED ACTUAL TEARS. I just looked at him because I was so shocked. I know for a fact that a year ago, two years ago, hell, a few months ago had he come up with this charade of his, I would have been happier than Sam after a good roll inthe dirt but, I looked at him, told him I was flattered but, "it" wasn't there anymore. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you" I told him but, we are not to be, I'm okay now. And, I've been correct. Of course, I care for him, I love him, I want him to be happy but, I don't want him, not anymore. So, after four long, hard years, the thing with Ian (Mysterious Ex, M.E.) is REALLY over.

Things with The Brit have been GREAT! I ADORE him. He has been such a gentleman, so wonderful, so kind, so sweet, so honest and real. It truly is a pleasure to know him, spend time with him, exchange emails with him even just thinking about him. I know I sound mushy but, I don't care. I am in deep like, he says he is in love but, we'll see how things progress.

I am proud to say that I have stopped all of the foolishness from last month even though admittedly, sometimes it is slightly hard, I won't lie. I often get the urge to NOT accept his compliments or NOT allow him to adore me but, I remind myself to just relax, enjoy the moment and go with the flow. Today, we were exchanging emails during working hours and I told him "I like you. A lot." He answers "I LOVE you." I answer, "Go on" he answers, "I'm serious. I'm going to love you, worship you to my dying day. Seriously." Eek! Makes a girl want to squeal. But sincerely, it is wonderful to be part of something so sweet and gentle. I've had a lot of foolishness in my life and this is a very welcome change. As stated before, even if nothing comes of this I am enjoying this moment. I am enjoying this now.

One month and one day to go

until my 30th birthday. What joy. :| So, life has been... okay I suppose. Though I haven't much to complain about. I am healthy, happy, and still ravishing as ever (joking of course). The new position is going well though, I am busy as crap every day. I took my locs out since my hair didn't seem to be locking properly. I haven't given Sam a hair cut in about a month so, his hair is longer than its been in a really long time. I've bought the most fabulous fall clothes since it sincerely looks like I'll never get into a size 16/18 again. But, I'm even okay with that. My bum is looking rather scrumptious if I do say so myself since I've found the most comfortable heels and can wear them for longer periods of the day than I normally wear three to four inchers.

Things with the new guy have been honestly...okay. Well, let me re-phrase, things between us are going VERY well. He's very bright, really nice, cute and has the hugest, nappiest afro ever (which I LOVE). He's such a fashionista (maybe fashionisto since, you know, he's a guy) and continuously recognizes when I am wearing quality, vintage, artsy items AND compliments me on them (which I REALLY LOVE). He's considerate, and kind, and sweet, and honestly, I haven't been treated so kindly by another person in a REALLY long time. It's sad to say but, I FORGOT how it felt to be treated with such kindness, and spoken to so gently, and appreciated, and even handled so well. It truly has been a pleasure.

Now, the bad part, and I can honestly say, it comes from me this time, I am woman enough to admit it. About two weeks or so ago, he and I went out to dinner, he came to pick me up, and we went to this great place in my neighborhood. An older friend of mine (this woman is talented, funny, ridiculously smart and, SOOOOO intuitive, she is a great friend/auntie) owns a store about a block away from the restaurant so we went to visit her briefly before we went to eat. I introduced them, she gave me a big hug and kiss, we spoke for about five minutes, then, we went out the door. Last week, about a week later, I go visit her again and she asks, "where is S?" (he is in London currently, oh, yes, he is British), I tell her he is away. When are you going to get him back here? She asks. I laugh and ask Why? Because, she says, that man is your husband. I laugh and laugh you know, because it was sort of funny to me, not in a ewww, he can't be MY husband type of way, but in a oh, go on girl type way. So, she says, honey, I'm not playing with you, when that man gets back here, you do what he says and wrap that up, he is for you, you are for him. But, she tells me, you have to trust, I know its hard but trust him, he is sincere. Then, she goes on to describe something that made me really reflect on myself. She says, last week when y'all were here, when you all were leaving, he reached out for your arm to help you down the stairs, and you grabbed your purse instead of allowing him to help you. The poor man didn't know what to do so, he put his hand in his pocket. I hadn't realized I did that. Then, she continues, I watched you as you went down the street, and you kept your hands to yourself, you didn't reach out to him, touch him, you didn't walk "into" him as you should, don't chase this man away, he's good, I like him a hell of a lot better than any of them other ones I've seen you with. This really made me think. Then I thought of all of the times he's pulled out my chair and I told him he didn't have to. Or when he's gone to open the car door for me and I've told him it was okay. Or, any of the times when in the midst of conversation he's commented, you are so bright, and I've told him to stop. Or, sometimes when we are just sitting there and he's commented on how beautiful or stylish or wonderful he's found me and I've said stop again. Then, I thought of how he told me, he likes to send me email because he can say all of the things he wants to tell me without me stopping or hushing him.

So, have I been changed in some way by all of the horrible men I've dated? I guess the answer would be of course! Have I been so conditioned to accepting bullshit that when a sincere, nice and wonderful person shows up, I can't accept it as it is? I am not one of those women who will say "he's too nice" but, am I trying to get him to play down his niceness? And, why is his being nice, appreciative, affectionate, kind, so disturbing to me? Why can't I allow him to be who he wants to be? I am in turn, being like all of those men I've dated in the past who tried to take me from my element or downplay the person that I am. The ones that I've complained about and not understood. That is now me. He's has been away for a bit over a week now and we have spoken, exchanged email. I've promised to myself, to NOT be that person. I sill not stifle his actions or words AND, I will allow myself to be free to express what I want and how I feel. I've noticed I don't allow myself to do those things, I suppose out of fear of being hurt. This is a learning experience. Whether or not he and I actually go anywhere, I am enjoying the experience NOW. I am relishing in our togetherness for this period. And if nothing else, my spirit has been shaken up a bit. My emotions have been genuinely touched, my thoughts and actions for this period of time are and will be pure. As always, I am going with the flow and taking what I can from this moment.

So...

As predicted by many, myself included, the thing with Mysterious Ex is over. It was mutual though, we are not angry at one another, just knew that things would not work. The last day he was over here, I made dinner (greek salad, veggie pizza and gnocchi with gorgonzola sauce), and while I was heating up the dessert (oversized cinnamon buns), I realized, this isn't going to work. He isn't HIM. Admittedly, this made me a bit sad so, I got in the bed, right while he was here and everything. We spoke a bit then the next day, boom, that's it, we aren't going to try anymore. I just realized that as much as I like/love him, he wasn't ever going to be able to give me what I wanted. It wasn't an idea of me being picky, or demanding or unyielding, it just wasn't for us to be. He wants to be friends but, I am going through the motions of working that out in my head. I am not angry at him but, can I see him as just a friend? Not that I would lust over him or anything but, how would my heart and head react to him? I'm not sure.

So...My new job is SO demanding. Its like, I NEVER have time for lunch. I BARELY have time to pee during the day and the other day, my supervisor asked me to take on an additional site. I really can't do it. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm some kind of super woman, or if she's going to try to milk me until I can't give anymore but, I really can't do it. It honestly is going to be a no, or I quit type of situation too. Case in point, the position that I currently have was held by someone three years ago who had a nervous break down on the job, why? She couldn't handle the pressure. She was replaced by someone who did the job and did it pretty well I might add. Now, I have the position but, in addition to the last person's duties, I am also responsible for the duties of my former position PLUS the new position and she wants me to take on additional duties. It simply isn't possible, it really can't be done, at least not by me. I know when to chip in for the team and when I am being taken advantage of and this to me seems very much as though someone is trying to take advantage of me, something I simply can't allow.

So.. there, as always, is a new guy around. Won't speak too much about it yet because, ya know, shit always goes down. This one is bit differnt though, at least I think so. I'll just have to see.

Also very cool: I went to see Maya Azucena last night!


She performed with Honey LaRochelle at this funky little restaurant in my neighborhood (I don't say this often but, yay! at least slightly to gentrification!). The show was awsome, this is the second time I've gone to see Maya and, she actually came by my table and said hi to me, ( I guess because I clapped when she came in the door) she is super cute (gorgeous really) and very sweet. She and her friend Honey (these girls can sang their asses off, you hear me O-F-F) did a GREAT set of some of their individual songs, then some classics and some of the most awesome freestyles ever! So Yay! I finally got her new CD from her, it was sold out on CD Baby then in the quest for the perfect shoes, coats, bags and redoing my kitchen, I really forgot to pick it up. Check her out!

Okay

So, I got a promotion. I wanted about 8 thousand more but, I settled for 6. Something told me I shouldn't settle but, I wasn't in the mood for a horrible fight over money.

And again, Mysterious Ex and I are seeing one another. I KNOW I'm crazy with the back and forth thing. I KNOW that I keep saying I have doubts but, we have sincerely been speaking. I truly don't think he is playing games, I just can't see someone going to the lengths to which he is going/has gone to just play games with someone. I've been going through a lot emotionally lately and, he has been so supportive in so many ways. He has really gone above and beyond my expectations of him. I must admit I was and still am surprised.

I will not say that we are a couple but I will say that I depend on him somewhat, I know that I love him, I know that he loves me, its just a matter I think of either acknowledging the situation and parting ways or establishing what I consider to be a real relationship. Through our conversations, we want the same things, but on a different time line. He is a man and as such, he has ample time to have children and do the things he would like to do in life. Me being a woman, a fat woman with fibroids (which have shrunk by the way, woo hoo to healthier living) I am limited in my time for family and child birth. I will be thirty in three months. I've already made the decision to move forward with conception of a child whether or not I am married. I have already decided my future on the chance their isn't a Mr. GoddessNoir in the picture. But, I would like him to be my Mr. GoddessNoir.

Gratuitous and awful picture of Sam

Big Surprise!

Mysterious Ex is still a child. I orginally thought I sensed growth and development but sadly, I was very wrong.

I wanted things to go well. I had very high hopes for us this time. I am disappointed but, I'll take this and continue on.

Confession Part 2 - Now with 60% more Doubt!

Why am I doing this? Last night, someone asked me, "why are you back tracking?" Is it that I am lonely and will not admit it to myself? Is it just because I've been having such a horrible time in the dating area of my life?

Thus far, M.E. and I have only been talking, nothing much. I was at first very optimistic thinking, this time will be different, he's matured, we've both grown but, I am having serious doubts, as I should. I mean, how many times have I walked down this road? How many times have I cried and hurt over this man? Why am I even allowing him back into my life? I was bdginnig to feel myself feel the twinges of love again. I was beginning to feel myself forget all of the foolishness we have been through and just want to be again, be what? I don't really have an answer for that. I guess be what we never were. Someone asked me, how do you know he just isn't saying what he thinks you want to hear? How can you think someone who you feel was not truthful with you before will be truthful with you now? I sincerely don't have answeres for those questions. I sincerely don't know what to say.

I can only go by what I feel. I feel that he is being truthful with me. I sincerely can't see someone waiting around for 15 months to just fuck with another person's life again. I can't see someone waiting 15 months to tell more lies, to disrupt someone's life. I sincerely just can't see that.

At this point, I am not sure what to feel or what to think. I am of course not certain of my thoughts or choices which is something I HATE. The only thing that I can do is go through the motions I guess. I don't want to banish him from my life again, especially if there is real growth but, I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know if I can take that.

Confession

I've been seeing Mysterious Ex again.

I probably shouldn't but, I have anyway.

We've been talking a lot, like for hours and hours and our dates are all talking dates.

We have been sharing a LOT of information.

We have been spending a lot of time together.

Its so weird how we are able to pick right up and feel very comfortbale around each other.

I'm hoping things will be right this time.

A farmer's market in Bed Stuy?

YES! A farmer's market in BedStuy. Sam and I walked over this morning to check out the wares. It's very small, like really, really small. There isn't a WHOLE lot to choose from but, there was a decent variety and the people working there are very nice. Today, I bought: Cherries, 2 bucks a lb, peaches, 2 bucks a lb, corn, 5 for 2 bucks or 50 cent an ear, a pint of blueberries, 4 bucks and zucchini which was 79 cents a pound. Not bad, We then headed over to BreadStuy and bought a cracked wheat loaf. Then whe headed over to this unnamed store I found a while back and chatted with the owner and her husband who are fantastic people. I bought a great necklace and a beautiful bag, which her husband makes himself. I put thos on hold though since truthfully, I didn't have that much money on me since Sam and I WERE just going to the Farmer's market. We laughed and talked then went over to The Heavenly One's house to share the bounty, eat bread, butter, jam and tea. Then, we came home, I put up groceries, then we took a much needed nap.

I'm having this weird tooth ache. It isn't bad, but just a bit tender and swollen. It's my stupid wisdom tooth which hasn't bothered me in years, I've already threatened it to stop its foolishness because, and I am very serious about this, I AM NOT HAVING MY WISDOM TOOTH PULLED! Sure won't. Lets hope this salt water rinse and anbesol helps.

So, I responded to Mysterious Ex. My response was: I am well. My mom is well. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, I just know where this may lead if I open myself to it and I really just don't have the energy or the emotional stamina to deal with him again. As great as that man can be. He is VERY tiring. I know that I complain about the men I date but, I know this sounds like a cliche but I would honestly rather be by myself than knowingly in a horrible relationship. Things were not good with M.E. They never were. I know that three years have passed since the beginning of our relationship (yes, three years) and its been an entire year+ plus since we've broken up but, I don't think he has changed. He and I just were not supposed to be, we would not have had so much strife to begin with if were, right?

Wow!

So, today I get to work. I finish up a report I have been working on. Then I sit back to play on line because, I really don't have much to do. I check out this vintage forum that I go to to see what they're talking about, then, I check my email. I open my mail and there is an email from...... Mysterious Ex! WTF! I was ridiculously surprised because I was just talking about him with my cousin T the other day. It was like, weird and stuff.

So, What does the email say you ask? I'm thinking about posting it, I've done that in the past. But since I'm supposed to be going through growth and development and what not, a small side of me says that immature. Let's just say, if I were still a dumb bitch (which I'm hoping I'm not) I would believe him. Its gushy and mushy and full of all kinds of stuff my romantic silly little heart wants to hear but, my brain, the logic, the thinker of this tank say BULLSHIT! the old me would throw a complimentary (nigga) on the end of that sentence but since I'm supposed to be righteous and stuff, I won't use that word.

So, what possesses someone to email another person that they've fucked over out of the blue? I've never had the urge to call or mail someone that I was done with. I'm going to go mull this one over some more.

I know I go through this every so often but,

I really am tired of meeting such assholes. It's SO annoying.

Dating Story # Kabillion and one

New month, new guy, same shit.

This one was named B.

We went out a few times. During one phone conversation, he montioned that I "lived a very comfortable life style". I asked what that meant. He answered "you seem to have a lot of things together". I answered "I'm a nearly 30 year old woman, I should have some things together". I didn'thear from him for a few days. I called him to ask what was up. He answered, I seemed to not "need" a man in my life. I seemed to be okay by myself. I asked, what does that mean? He answered, you know, you have a lot going on. I asked, like what? He answered, I don't know, you just have stuff, what do you need me for? I answered, okay.

The end.

Dating Story # Kabillion

So, being the forever optimist I am, I can never leave well enough alone. I say that I am not going to date anymere but then, I do.

Over the past month, I've dated two guys.

The first guy, S, seemed nice but, he was rather smallish. I said I would stop looking at things like that and go for personality, morals, etc. We met but instantly, I felt more as though he were my cousin than anything else. Also, he was 27, which made me feel a bit weird since I've never dated anyone younger than me. We went out a few times, he was nice, and smart but, I wasn't attracted to him at all and, he didn't have much experience with women so, I always felt a bit weird around him. I told him I liked him as a person but that there wasn't any attraction on my part to him as a date-able guy. We hung out a few more times and then pffffttt. Nothing. He got angry at me because I didn't like him "like that" and sent me a few childish text messages. But, I shot that down quick, letting him know text messages weren't real communication and that he was indeed behaving like the child I orignally thought him to be. That shut him up.

About a week later, I met this other guy who I was REALLY into for like the first week. He was so smart and deep, and spiritual, we spoke on the phone everyday for hours at a time and went out on like four dates the first week we met one another. Then the second week came and he showed up at my house dead drunk. Huh? What's this? Not knowing what to do, I didn't want to send him home driving while he was intoxicated, I let him sleep on my couch. He went home the next morning and told me he was just feeling upset the night before, he had a bit too much to drink. Okay. We spoke on the phone and I could tell he was drinking then on our next date, he reeked of alcohol. Not good stuff at all. He then told me (surprise!) he had a problem with alcohol. He'd been in and out of rehab three or four times but his drinking was something he felt he could handle. I played along for about a week then one day, he didn't pick me up as he said he would. When he called me later that evening, (surprise again!) he was drunk. I tried (I really did) to see his drinking as something he was dealing with. Something that was not apart of him, something that was just a fault of his like a bad memory. But then I realized, I was falling into that same trap I always get myself into; making excuses for someone. Trying to fix someone. So, I kindly told him things weren't going to work for me. I can not and will not be someone's appeaser. It wasn't fair to me as a person and he shouldn't expect me, a virtual stranger to take on his problems. I let him know I thought he was a nice guy but, he was not ready for me.

So, here I am again. At square one. At not al all discouraged. :)

Yuck!

My cousin has a new girlfriend and I DO NOT LIKE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, this is my absolute best friend cousin. I don't like the way things have been between us and most of it stems from her relationship with this woman. My cousin and I have been best friends since we were teeny tiny kids. We have not had an argument since we were like ten best last night, we argued...because of this chick.

Okay, they met about four months ago and already, they've decided to live together. Let me re-phrase that, they've done more than DECIDED to live together, since they are ALREADY living together. When they first met and my cousin spoke of her, I thought, I guess she's a nice girl, I don't know her or anything but, from what T says of her, I guess she seems okay. But then, this girl begins to get REALLY insistent. She emails me, through my My Space page, telling me "we've got to meet!" I really though that was kind of rude. I figured, when it was time to meet with her, my cousin and I would put together since MY COUSIN, not she, is my friend. I told my cousin she mailed me, asked my cousin to ask her not to do that again and then, I did not answer her. This all occurrd prior to them moving in together. Now, I am REALLY big on vibes, energy, etc. and there really is just something about this girl that just was not sitting correctly with me. Then, I see a picture of her, and again, there is something that just isn't right. I can't pinpoint it but, it is rare that I get feelings like this but when I get them, I follow with them because I honestly believe it is my spirit or something greater than me letting me know something I need to pay attention to.

So then, three months into their relationship, my cousin announces to me (I knew she would before she told me), she and this girl are moving in together. I was very unhappy about this and things between my cousin and I got weird for about two weeks. In the midst of this weirdness, this girl emails me again, basically saying the same thing, 'we need to get together, it is imperative that we meet, etc.' I told my cousin her girlfriend mailed me and read her the response I sent to her girlfriend, BEFORE sending it to her girlfriend. When I asked my cousin if she thought my response was rude, she responded, "it's fine".

My response was something to the effect of:

I say this not to be mean, or rude, or unkind.

T and I are working on things between us right now. When it is time for you and I to meet, she will let you know.

Many Blessings
Ase

Now, the 'many blessings' and 'ase' are very important because I am wishing her peace and love and good energy.

Fast forward to this weekend. I had a get together, nothing really big, just a few close friends. I invited my cousin and hr girlfriend of course. So,

#1 - They get there about 4 hours late
#2 - When they walk in, her girlfriend is ice grilling me, looking at me in this weird way so I of course, shout down. I'm wondering, why is she looking at me like this, what's up with her?
#3 - The rest of the evening, she is looking at me in this very weird way

After they leave, a friend of mine mentions that the energy in the room shifted as soon as this girl came in. She said she felt me across the room and that she'd never felt me feel like this before.

Two days later, my cousin tells me that her girlfriend felt I was being rude to her. She says that I didn't make eye contact with her all night, didn't offer her anything to eat or drink and that she was trying to get my attention all evening but I didn't pay attention to her. Oh, and she says I didn't speak one on one with her.

#1 - When they came in, I, like I did to everyone, showed them the table where all of the food was set up. I made, pizzas, fried ravioli - (cheese, chicken and lobster), crab salad, salad, sushi, chimichangas and drinks where in the fridge. Everything was laid out buffet style, I saw her eating, quite a few times I might add. How didn't I offer her food? Everyone was told, drinks were in the fridge. When people wanted drinks, they went to the fridge to get them. EVERYONE did this. I saw her and my cousin I might add drink more than a few times.

#2 - I BARELY spoke one on one with anyone. A friend of mine sat near me she and I exchanged a few sentnces but didn't have an entire conversation going on. A friend of mine's boyfriend was sitting near me, again he and I spoke a bit but, nothng on going. My cousin pulled me into my bedroom and spoke with me for a few minutes (at which time, she didn't mention anything about me being rude). My date spoke with me alone briefly but for the most part, it was a very group oriented event. We all spoke together, laughed and got along. She even participated a little bit.

#3 - Anyone that knows me knows that coming into my house in and of itself is a big thing. My house has a very open floor plan so almost everything is visible from a certain vantage point if you are on either floor. I have altars in my house and so people realize that when they come into my home, they are also coming into my temple, very serious business. If I invite you into my home, in short, it is REALLY a big deal.

So tell me after all of this, how was I rude? I'm just so vexed right now because this girl is a BIG drama queen. I HATE her. Bitch.

Got this from

http://ablackgirlnotbeingaverage.blogspot.com/

great reading.

You can only type one word

1. Where is your cell phone: desk

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: none

3. Your hair: nappy

4. Favorite store: lane bryant

5. Your father: spirit

6. Your favorite thing: contentmen

7. Your dream last night: sensual

8. Your favorite drink: tea

9. Your dream car: red

10. The room you're in: living

11. Your last ex: unknown

12. You are: free

13. What do you want to be in 10 years: content

14. Who did you hang out with last night: Sam

15. What you're not: lost

16. Muffin: banana nut

17. One of your wish list items: diningroomchairs

18. The last thing you did: read

19. What are you wearing: houseclothes

20. Your TV: off

21. Your pet is: sleep

22. Your computer: fly

23. Your life: complete

24. Your mood: grooving

25. MISSING: love

26. What are you thinking about right now: thislist

27. Your car: none

30. Your summer: planned

31. Your relationship status: developing

32. Your favorite color: red

33. When is the last time you laughed: morning

34. Last time you cried: awhile

35. Work: okay

Wow, it has been such a LOOOONG time!

So, I have been CRAZY busy lately. My new job (well not so new anymore) just seems to have taken over much of my life. I thought I would get used to the hours but I haven't really.

Bullet points on what has happened so far:

• I lost 20 pounds
• My hair has grown a lot
  
• My bathroom is finished!
• My kitchen is not :''(
• My new job is great!
• The hours are terrible
• An old friend of mine and I started talking and hanging out again
• I've been saving lots of money
• My tenants have been paying their rent on time
• Nothing horrible has happened to the house
• I've reignited my connection to my spirituality
• I have two new really great friends
• My cousin is in love and may have found her version of "the one"
• I got a new dining room table (for REALLY cheap too)
• I met a few new guys
• They all turned out to be liars (except one, he and I just didn't work out) one turned out to be homeless, VERY long story
  
• I reconnected with an ex (he's still a liar)
• Reconnected with a guy I kind of dated
  
• Things are still up in the air with him
• I've met some really great acquaintences
• I'm getting a raise next year (school year so, September)
• I've been mostly happy!

Not Quite There Yet

So, the bathroon sink is installed, it's really nice and I LOVE it. I've been going back and forth running (wasting) water in it for the past few days. The floors are installed, now just a few tile need to be put back in place and the over the mirror light put in then, voila, bathroom will be done.

It is such a pain in the ass having someone else in the house, banging stuff, tracking dirt all over the place, yuck. So here is a picture of the nearly finished project. Forgive me for not cleaning off the dirt before snapping the pic but, I SWEAR I didn't see that when I took the picture (hence needing the over the mirror light installed) also, those two white patches are the old soap dish and a space that had to be knoced into in order to install the new water pipes. After this is done, in the next few days or so, I'll finish up the kitchen which looks pretty sorry about now.


So, I decided briefly to give the old dating thing a try again. This guy has been pursuing me for a while, continuously trying to get my number, asking me out so, what the hell, I gave him my number. So, for most of this week it has been "what are you doing this weekend? I want to see you. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you, blah blah." Fine, he suggests we meet Friday for dinner, "come on, I just want to go somewhere with you, get to know you". That was Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. So yesterday was Friday, and guess what? (No big surprise), no date. WTF is up with that? Why do guys do that? It wasn't a big deal though, I did a little shopping, met up with some friends for dinner came home, had a bath and some ice cream and got some much needed and really good sleep. So once again, I give up.

I've been invited to a party tonight and though I'm not normally the partying type, I'm going to go. At the very least, I'll get to wear one of the many, many going out outfits that I rarely get to wear.

I've been putting off sewing for weeks and now, though I haven't even begun, I am behind schedule. I wanted to crank out at least two spring/summer dresses by this time of the year but, I haven't.

I'm going to give my house a GOOD cleaning today. I normally clean on Saturdays but today, I'm going to get a ne corn broom (as soon as the stores open) and clean up and down the walls, get some old shit out of here. I've rearranged my house, I'm renovating but, I think there is old shit (energy, something) in here that needs to get out and so that will be my mission today. And, I need to give Sam a bath.

Blech!

I have decided to throw in the towel when it comes to dating. I have been dating for since I was 18 (though technically I was in a relationship for about 7 of those 11 years) and I am seriously tired of meeting the kinds of men I do. I'm not really even sure what it is. I meet people who seem very nice in the beginning but then all of a sudden, for whatever reason, everything goes to bust. I have not yet to date had a serious adult relationship. The "relationships" that I have been involved in have all been childish, full of lies and stupidity (not on my part).

The last three guys that I have met and sort of dated turned out to be flakes. One guy and I realy took the time to get to know one another. We spoke for hours, hung out, then I don't know what happened, I just haven't been hearing from him so, I left it alone. The next guy seemed really nice, he had a bit of a limp so initially, I was a bit hesitant about dating him. He kept going on and on about how he wnated someone to get to know him for him, how he wanted to be loved and appreciated for the person he was. Okay, fine. We dated for about a month or so, and I was under the impression things were going okay then, phone calls turned into text messages and those turned into nothing. Okay. Then, I met someone who again seemed nice. We went out once where he tells me, "I have something to tell you, I know you're going to be a bit upset". Okay I answer. "I've got two kids, I didn't tell you because I wanted to get to know you." Ooooooookay. So, I think I'm through. I just live a life of solitude and celibacy because honestly, I just can't take this.

I Can't Sleep!

I've been doing this weird thing lately. If I go to sleep too early, before 11, I wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there, doing nothing. If I go to sleep late, after 12, I'm tired in the morning and can't get out of bed, it's so annoying.

I have been spending money like crazy! I am redecorating my bathroom and kitchen and (big shocker!) I have really expensive taste. I purchased one of those vessel sinks for my bathroom

though mine is gold and not yet installed. New flooring, like a sandstone, new tub fixtures, new sink cabinet and new toilet. I need to get new light fixtures and a new medicine cabinet but, next pay day.

For my kitchen, I bought a new vintage stove, new vintage fridge and vintage accessories, canisters, toaster, mixer, etc. I need to buy new kitchen cabinets (which should really put a hurting on my pockets) and probably some other new stuff, table, breakfast bar, etc.


So, for the most part, I've been loving my new job. I still don't like the hours but, my position is not hard at all, the pay and benefits are good and my co-workers are pretty good. I think my mood for the most part has been good. I've felt okay.

I don't seem to be losing any weight. I'm not gaining any (always a good thing) but, I'm doing a whole lot more than I was and I'm not eating crazy amounts of food. My body just seems to like being at this weight though I still want to get back to my regular size. For the most part, I try to stick with fruit and vegetables and water for the bulk of the day. I may have some soda or juice at night but nothing serious. According to my pedometer, I'm walking between 12,000 and 16,000 steps a day, (and this is only from the time I leave the house until I take off my clothes when I get home which is about 20 minutes after I step foot in the house) depending on how much desk work I have to do in a given day. In addition to this, I've once again been doing my power yoga so what the deal is? I'm not sure.

Nothing new on the dating scene. I met a few people here and there but as always, same bull.

I bought some new furniture for my living room also. Two new chairs, a new coffee table and a tv stand and computer desk I found on craigslist for a hundred bucks delivered to my door!

I'm going to try to get back to sleep since I'm supposed to be up in about 3 hours.

This is retarded.

At 6 in the evening I was SOOOOOOO sleepy, I could barely keep my eyes open. Now at 1 in the morning, I'm wide awake, not even thinking about sleep.