I've lost 23 pounds so far. Four inches off my waist so hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been speaking to Myseterious Ex again. I know that I shouldn't talk to him but, I love him, I do and that complicates matters a lot. He kept saying he wanted to see me, I told him no over and over and over again but he went on and on about it, saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me and thought I was great and so eventually, I broke down. Tuesday was his birthday so, I told him I would bake him a cake. He tells me, "I would love that but unfortunately, I'm going to be in Jersey all day that day". Which leads right back into me thinking he is a liar. I mean literally for weeks he's all, "I love you", "You're the closest thing to perfect in my eyes", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I want to kiss you", blah, blah and finally I say yes and then it's "Oh, well I'll be in Jersey". SOmething with him just isn't right. I mean, how convenient that he's available seemingly everyday EXCEPT for his birthday. I hate myself so much for even loving him though, I have to ask myself, what exactly is it I love about him because the person that is him, the person that I know, was only very average acting to me. I mean, on paper, he's a great guy but realistically, he's not that good, at least not to me. So, why am I even going through this? Why am I not allowing myself to get over this? Why am I dismissing other men but react so eagerly when he gives me just the slightest bit of attention? I think that I want him to love me the way he says he does. Not I think, I know that's what I want. I asked him this question, which he did not answer, but which I would love to know: If he thinks I'm so great and wonderful, if he loves me so much and wants me so badly, why is he not behaving as though that is the truth? Saying something and doing it are two different things. He says things, and I allow myself to fall for what he says, I allow myself to be swayed by him and I hate myself for that. I know that I'm better than this and Goddess knows that I know I am worth SO much more than this. I'm great. There is no conceit when I say that, I know for sure that I am a wonderful woman, I say that with nothing but honesty. So why, I must ask myself, am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me? Can I honestly believe that I love someone who treats me this way? It's sick.

MD (nice guy I met during my summer classes) called me the other day and invited me to brunch on Sunday. Originally, I told him I couldn't make it, I came up with some excuse or another but tomorrow, I am going to call him and I am going to go out with him. He is a nice guy, he has himself together but, I sit here pining for some man how is doing Goddess even knows what. I'm going to make myself stop. This is ridiculous, I have to move on.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Oh, it's so late, I'm up and I can't call anyone. This is by far, the funniest thing I've seen all day.

I opted to chop it.

I gathered all of my hair into a ponytail and chopped it off.




The ponytail I chopped off.



After I shaped it up, this is what I am left with:





My very short, but all natural hair.

To Chop, or Not to Chop?

I went natural a while back. I mean permanently natural. I've decided that I will never again use chemicals in my hair, I more than likely will not use heat on my hair either. Here, in lies the problem. My hair, all of my hair currently, is about 16 inches long, only about 4.5 inches of my hair is completely natural, kinky curly. The rest of it is processed and straight. I twisted my hair and have been wearing it like that for the past few weeks since I have two textures upon my head, the straight and the kinky. Tonight, I untwisted my hair and the chemically treated part of my hair, in my eyes, is ugly, it's thin, droopy, I don't like it, and I don't want it. I think I might just chop it all off, go for The Big Chop as it is called. Then, I would be left with a Teeny Weeny Afro. (which looks wonderful on this woman).



But, I'm kind of scared. I've never had hair that short. I think it looks beautiful on many people, I'm just not sure how it's going to look on me. Even in the past, when I've been natural, I've usually had a medium sized to a big ass afro




and now, my afro will be all of 4.5 (or less once I shape it) inches long. I'm afraid of having that little hair. I know that my hair will grow back and more than likely, by the end of the year, I'll have all of my length back but, I'm still scared. To chop or not to chop, that is the question.