I was speaking with this friend of mine last night who is normally a seemingly good person, but yesterday she did something that really pissed me off. I have a phobia that I have had since I was younger. It is not debilitating and does not affect the day to day goings on of my life, it is just something that I don't like to think about, I won't watch movies or television shows about it and I don't like to talk about it. On the chance that I happen to see a show or movie about it, I turn and try not to think about it at night, otherwise, I will have a hard time falling asleep. Again, it is very easy for me to avoid this thing and doing so doesn't make me into some weird freak, it isn't as though I'm afraid of tissue or aluminum foil or something like that (sorry if you happen to be afraid of tissue or aluminum foil, I'm sure you're not a freak, I was just using that as an example). It's a pretty obscure thing that I'm afraid of actually, and I really only have to confront the fear like maybe two or three times a year, nothing big. Anyway, this particular friend happens to know my phobia, so while talking to her yesterday, she kind of indirectly touched on the subject. Right after she said something alluding to the subject, she immediately said, "oh, let me not talk about that, I know that you are afraid" and then instead of NOT talking about it, she went on to talk about it. She then told me that I need to "get over it", suggested I see a doctor and that I just "need to talk about it". Now, let me reiterate, it is not as though this is a common everyday thing people talk about like maybe q tips and then I start screaming. #1 - It's a pretty obscure topic as far as normal conversation goes, #2 - My phobia is something that only affects me, if I am sleeping alone at night, it is difficult for me to sleep because essentially, I become very afraid. I couldn't believe she was doing that, I was very upset and thought, WTF?! I put the phone down while she was going on and on and then got back on the phone and told her, "Not to be funny, but I really don't think that's cool. It isn't funny, it's a genuine fear of mine and I really just don't like to talk or hear about it." She then went on some more about it, I mean, My God! If you know that someone is afraid of something, even if you yourself find it silly, if this person is your friend or even not, if you have compassion, you don't just go on and on and then dismiss this person's fears, what the hell is that about? I thought it was so rude as well as being disrespectful,I asked my Mom about it and I don't think I'm making more of it than I should.
So, I spent time with New Guy and Mysterious Ex yesterday. I had a good time with both of them though I must admit, I was so tired last night. I went straight to bed and slept the entire night through. And God, I was so full, I hate so well yesterday, not that I normally don't eat well but, I didn't have to cook, it was wonderful. I had a sort of brunch, late lunch with New Guy, we went to see a movie and walked around a bit, he bout me flowers, red roses which I like and then he brought me home, I invited him in for a bit but told him I had to get dressed because I was supposed to go out again. He assumed I was going out with my cousin and I didn't correct his assumption. The only problem was, he offered to drive me to meet her and he knows I am unemployed (dropping me off could save me money in carfare), but I told him "she" was coming to pick me up. I then ran, took a shower, re did my makeup (for a more night time, sultry look), and changed into my night time, come hither attire. Mysterious Ex and I went to eat, then we went to the pier which is one of our favorite places, (we went there on our first date). I had a great time with both of them and have decided to take the advice given to me and just enjoy myself for now. I guess things will work themselves out.
The interview went pretty well, I was really nervous and kind of weirded out about it but, it was far better than I expected. The kids seem well behaved and it is a position I mat seriously consider taking. I have three interviews this week (woo hoo!) so I told the mom I would let her know later this week. I have an interview with Lane Bryant (a plus size clothing store) for a managerial position, and two schools for employment in September. Ideally, I would LOVE to get a job at Lane Bryant that I would keep until September, and then start teaching again. I am not sure if that is how things will work out but, it's good to dream. I'm supposed to see Mysterious Ex again tonight but truth be told, I'm not sure if I'm up to it. I appreciate his trying to make more of an effort towards our relationship but truthfully, dating two guys is hard, I don't know how people carry on affairs, have marriages and jobs. If I'm going to have to go back to work soon (which I hope I will), someone's going to have to go because I am not sure if I can keep this schedule up.
Samson and I have spent the entire day together, I felt so bad since I pushed him off on my mom yesterday. Feeling like a guilty mom, I bought him a hot dog when we went to the park he was quite happy slurping it up so it alleviated some of my guiltiness. The thing is now he's funking up the house. I think I'd rather feel guilty than be in here with this stench.
Eaten Yesterday:
Brunch/Lunch: Rice, Broccoli, Spicy Chicken
Dinner: Stuffed, smothered pork chop, green beans, macaroni and cheese
Hours on Phone: less than 1
Resumes: none
Exercise: No formal exercise, did a lot of walking
Bought: nada
5.14.2005
I Am Nervous as All Hell
So, I went out with New Guy last night and have to admit that I had a good time. He wants to do something this afternoon so I am sitting here waiting for him to pick me up. I am supposed to go out with Mysterious Ex tonight also, I feel so whorish. My friend T says that I have too much of a conscience. She calls me the leader of the moral parade. I will not go that far but, I do feel weird about this situation. Not that anything truly salacious (sp?) is going on, it isn't as though I am sleeping with New Guy but, I still feel like a horrible cheat. I had to lie to M.E. last night. It wasn't my intention but it just sort of happened. He asked me what I was doing for the night (he wanted to hang out), I couldn't just go, "Oh, going out with this guy". I don't want to walk this path. I am going to have to come up with a solution as quickly as possible because, I can't continue on this route.
5.13.2005
Who Am I to Turn Down a Job?
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Egg, sausage on a roll, coffee
Dinner: Getting ready to go out now, probably to Akwabaa or Marroon's
so dinner will be high caloried
Hours on Phone: About 3, spoke to G today
Resumes: 3
Exercise: Nada (I'm so bad, and lazy too)
Bought: Dog Food (Samson has to eat too)
I have a job interview tomorrow with a family who is looking for a Governess/Home School Educator. The job pays $55,000 a year, is not far from home and is with a seemingly good family. For all intent and purposes, I should be jumping for joy, excited that I can actually get back into the job market making as much money as I was before I mean really, in my current predicament, who am I to turn down a job? However, I have some huge reservations about what is expected of me. I liken myself to be a professional, someone who takes her job seriously and has invested well into her education in preparation for the world. I think this job is much like an overpaid baby sitter (I don't turn up my nose at being over paid for anything) and I feel a bit weird about it. In addition to teaching the children, I am expected to prepare their breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner, take them to the park and appointments, I guess much like a stand in mommy. Why on earth someone would want another person doing all of this for their children is beyond me but, I am not here to judge that end of it. I guess I am afraid of working in such close quarters with a family. Will I be expectdd to teach the children in the fashion that the mom would if she weren't busy working? Would someone be over my shoulder checking everything that I do? These are their children after all, not like I'm mopping a floor or something simple like that. What about the children? Are they going to be some spoiled no listening kids that I'll want to smack up? (though I never would) And, this has crossed my mind more than a few times, since I am a black chick, and a fat black chick at that, will these people look at me as being some type of mammy figure for their children? Being a woman of color, when I see other women of color with children who are white and obviously not theirs I must admit I have looked at themm like, "wow, are we going back there, taking care of "their" children?" I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to be a racist but, I can't help but feel as though maybe I will be viewed as some type of house negro taking care of the "folkses babies". Maybe I'm being silly, maybe I'm reading too much into something that is far more simpler. When I spoke to the mom, she said she was most impressed by my attending Columbia and starting my own businesses. Maybe I AM being paranoid but, it still bothers me somewhat.
Breakfast: Egg, sausage on a roll, coffee
Dinner: Getting ready to go out now, probably to Akwabaa or Marroon's
so dinner will be high caloried
Hours on Phone: About 3, spoke to G today
Resumes: 3
Exercise: Nada (I'm so bad, and lazy too)
Bought: Dog Food (Samson has to eat too)
I have a job interview tomorrow with a family who is looking for a Governess/Home School Educator. The job pays $55,000 a year, is not far from home and is with a seemingly good family. For all intent and purposes, I should be jumping for joy, excited that I can actually get back into the job market making as much money as I was before I mean really, in my current predicament, who am I to turn down a job? However, I have some huge reservations about what is expected of me. I liken myself to be a professional, someone who takes her job seriously and has invested well into her education in preparation for the world. I think this job is much like an overpaid baby sitter (I don't turn up my nose at being over paid for anything) and I feel a bit weird about it. In addition to teaching the children, I am expected to prepare their breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner, take them to the park and appointments, I guess much like a stand in mommy. Why on earth someone would want another person doing all of this for their children is beyond me but, I am not here to judge that end of it. I guess I am afraid of working in such close quarters with a family. Will I be expectdd to teach the children in the fashion that the mom would if she weren't busy working? Would someone be over my shoulder checking everything that I do? These are their children after all, not like I'm mopping a floor or something simple like that. What about the children? Are they going to be some spoiled no listening kids that I'll want to smack up? (though I never would) And, this has crossed my mind more than a few times, since I am a black chick, and a fat black chick at that, will these people look at me as being some type of mammy figure for their children? Being a woman of color, when I see other women of color with children who are white and obviously not theirs I must admit I have looked at themm like, "wow, are we going back there, taking care of "their" children?" I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to be a racist but, I can't help but feel as though maybe I will be viewed as some type of house negro taking care of the "folkses babies". Maybe I'm being silly, maybe I'm reading too much into something that is far more simpler. When I spoke to the mom, she said she was most impressed by my attending Columbia and starting my own businesses. Maybe I AM being paranoid but, it still bothers me somewhat.
Wow
I had yet another stimulating conversation with New Guy last night and he tells me,
"I know that your relationship with Mysterious Ex is deep. I know that you love and care for him and I am sure he thinks he loves you" (New Guy can be a little jabbing and sarcastic toward M.E. sometimes) "and if my intentions were anything but true I would back off. I am not trying to woo you to make you my play thing or girlfriend or anything foolish like that. M.E. had over a year with you, if he hasn't gotten himself together as of yet and realized the kind of woman you are and the greatness you can bring to a relationship then he is a fool. My intentions towards you are to try to get you, you call it wooing, I call it the start of my family, my intentions towards you result in marriage and family."
I didn't know what to say. The best I could get out was a less than enthusiastic "Okay" I mean, what do I say to that? I love that he said it, I am flattered, I am happy but deep down somewhere, I wanted that to come from you know who. He suggested that I not talk to Mysterious Ex for like a week. He tells me in that time, I will forget about him. He also said I am so used to being with M.E. that I have come to expect that he is what I deserve when according to him, that is far from true. He then invited me to go on vacation with him next month. He said he would make reservations for me and Samson. I agreed to have dinner with him tonight but even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I spoke to my cousin T and she tells me, that I should go out with New Guy. She tells me to stop it with M.E., this back and forth, trying to make things work, she tells me to get myself out of this rut.
Between the ages of 18 and 23, I was involved in this relationship with this guy (who I have rather affectionately refered to as Fat Bastard ever since) that I loved so much, I once fell out of a chair and cried naked on the floor for over an hour after he told me he had been sleeping with another girl. (I also laid in bed for ten days and did NOTHING but drink pepsi after we REALLY broke up, but that's another story). During the relationship, I thought there were things that could have been helped or changed or saved. I even agreed to marry this guy and had our children's names picked out and everything. When it all finally ended, it took me like a year to get over him and GOD, it hurt like hell. When I was finally over him and away from the hurt long enough I remember thinking, my goodness, what did I ever see in him? He was unambitious (if that is a word), he's insensitive, incompassionate, I remember one time he kicked a cat, he cheated on me, called me stuck up, exclaimed loudly one day in front of his friends that he didn't like going out with me because I "speak like a stuck up white girl" (he meant that to be derogatory), he was rather ghetto, not quite stupid but against learning new things, among a host of other crap. Is this where I am with Mysterious Ex? I mean, not that I am comparing M.E. to him per se but, I thought I had grown. On the surface, Mysterious Ex is a far better choice. He's well educated, ambitious (very much so), he has a great job which he loves, he's sensitive, he's supportive of me and not threatened by me, he's very intelligent, we have great conversations, he's funny, sweet, he has all of these great qualities but something is wrong with us, though I don't want to admit it, it's true. If he is so good, why are "we" so hard? Am I in a place where I am just so stuck on him that I can't see anything else? We connect but, there is something wrong. I told T the other day that I feel like a version of myself around M.E., there are certain things I won't say, there are certain things I won't do, it isn't as though I think, I'm not going to do this that or the other, or even as though I think he won't approve, I just don't do certain things. Why am I censoring myself? Why do I do that?
The other thng is this. Mysterious Ex was engaged before we got together and this girl, at least according to him, screwed him over pretty bad. She was cheating on him and a lot of people he knew, knew about it though no one really told him and she made things between them seem the same as it had always been. She hurt him really bad, I know what's that like as does half the world, we've all been there. Some of us are able to recover better than others, M.E. was one of those people who has taken a long time to get over it. He still has lots of issues stemming from that relationship. I don't want to screw him over again. I love him so I am conscious of the ramifications my actions will have on him. I don't want to just toss his feelings aside. I feel that by continuing this thing with New Guy, that is exactly what I am doing. I mean fine, he doesn't haven't to know now, which I do feel horribly about but, what if this grows into something bigger, what if I fall in love with New Guy? Do I just go, sorry M.E., things like this happen, good luck?. I know that my feelings come before anyone else's, I know that I have to be happy above all others but, I am not willing to cause him pain for my happiness. That is too selfish a move for me, I am not that person so, do I tell him now? Do we have this conversation? I'm not ready for that either. I feel that I am paralyzed by fear, something I don't want to own up to. I fear what will happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue seeing New Guy, I fear what WON'T happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue this relationship with him alone. I don't fear being alone, but, I do fear hurting people unnecessarily. I don't want to hurt New Guy or Myserious Ex but most importantly, I don't want to hurt myself.
"I know that your relationship with Mysterious Ex is deep. I know that you love and care for him and I am sure he thinks he loves you" (New Guy can be a little jabbing and sarcastic toward M.E. sometimes) "and if my intentions were anything but true I would back off. I am not trying to woo you to make you my play thing or girlfriend or anything foolish like that. M.E. had over a year with you, if he hasn't gotten himself together as of yet and realized the kind of woman you are and the greatness you can bring to a relationship then he is a fool. My intentions towards you are to try to get you, you call it wooing, I call it the start of my family, my intentions towards you result in marriage and family."
I didn't know what to say. The best I could get out was a less than enthusiastic "Okay" I mean, what do I say to that? I love that he said it, I am flattered, I am happy but deep down somewhere, I wanted that to come from you know who. He suggested that I not talk to Mysterious Ex for like a week. He tells me in that time, I will forget about him. He also said I am so used to being with M.E. that I have come to expect that he is what I deserve when according to him, that is far from true. He then invited me to go on vacation with him next month. He said he would make reservations for me and Samson. I agreed to have dinner with him tonight but even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I spoke to my cousin T and she tells me, that I should go out with New Guy. She tells me to stop it with M.E., this back and forth, trying to make things work, she tells me to get myself out of this rut.
Between the ages of 18 and 23, I was involved in this relationship with this guy (who I have rather affectionately refered to as Fat Bastard ever since) that I loved so much, I once fell out of a chair and cried naked on the floor for over an hour after he told me he had been sleeping with another girl. (I also laid in bed for ten days and did NOTHING but drink pepsi after we REALLY broke up, but that's another story). During the relationship, I thought there were things that could have been helped or changed or saved. I even agreed to marry this guy and had our children's names picked out and everything. When it all finally ended, it took me like a year to get over him and GOD, it hurt like hell. When I was finally over him and away from the hurt long enough I remember thinking, my goodness, what did I ever see in him? He was unambitious (if that is a word), he's insensitive, incompassionate, I remember one time he kicked a cat, he cheated on me, called me stuck up, exclaimed loudly one day in front of his friends that he didn't like going out with me because I "speak like a stuck up white girl" (he meant that to be derogatory), he was rather ghetto, not quite stupid but against learning new things, among a host of other crap. Is this where I am with Mysterious Ex? I mean, not that I am comparing M.E. to him per se but, I thought I had grown. On the surface, Mysterious Ex is a far better choice. He's well educated, ambitious (very much so), he has a great job which he loves, he's sensitive, he's supportive of me and not threatened by me, he's very intelligent, we have great conversations, he's funny, sweet, he has all of these great qualities but something is wrong with us, though I don't want to admit it, it's true. If he is so good, why are "we" so hard? Am I in a place where I am just so stuck on him that I can't see anything else? We connect but, there is something wrong. I told T the other day that I feel like a version of myself around M.E., there are certain things I won't say, there are certain things I won't do, it isn't as though I think, I'm not going to do this that or the other, or even as though I think he won't approve, I just don't do certain things. Why am I censoring myself? Why do I do that?
The other thng is this. Mysterious Ex was engaged before we got together and this girl, at least according to him, screwed him over pretty bad. She was cheating on him and a lot of people he knew, knew about it though no one really told him and she made things between them seem the same as it had always been. She hurt him really bad, I know what's that like as does half the world, we've all been there. Some of us are able to recover better than others, M.E. was one of those people who has taken a long time to get over it. He still has lots of issues stemming from that relationship. I don't want to screw him over again. I love him so I am conscious of the ramifications my actions will have on him. I don't want to just toss his feelings aside. I feel that by continuing this thing with New Guy, that is exactly what I am doing. I mean fine, he doesn't haven't to know now, which I do feel horribly about but, what if this grows into something bigger, what if I fall in love with New Guy? Do I just go, sorry M.E., things like this happen, good luck?. I know that my feelings come before anyone else's, I know that I have to be happy above all others but, I am not willing to cause him pain for my happiness. That is too selfish a move for me, I am not that person so, do I tell him now? Do we have this conversation? I'm not ready for that either. I feel that I am paralyzed by fear, something I don't want to own up to. I fear what will happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue seeing New Guy, I fear what WON'T happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue this relationship with him alone. I don't fear being alone, but, I do fear hurting people unnecessarily. I don't want to hurt New Guy or Myserious Ex but most importantly, I don't want to hurt myself.
5.12.2005
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Egg and Bacon on a roll and coffee
Dinner: Caesar salad and iced tea
Hours on the Phone: about 1
Resumes: 6
Exercise: Not much today
Bought: a sympathy card
Death is a sad thing. I feel bad about saying mean things about E's family earlier. I mean, they are the people I said they were but, this was a really big blow to them. I felt expecially bad for her mom since she lost a child. It was a really hard thing.
I told E I would call her over the weekend. I don't mind being there for her through this ordeal, I hope that I can be a good friend to her.
Being at the wake today made me think of things greatly. E's sister was rather young, only in her mid forties. I haven't spoken to E in nearly three years and in that time, she has gotten a divorce and has the most beautiful daughter and I think that my life is seemingly the same. On the one hand, not really because my job situation is different, I've grown as a person but my personal life seems very much the same. Three years ago, I was involved with this crazy guy, upset with the way our relationship was going, upset with my love life. Right now, I feel the same. My personal life is not where I want it would be or where I thought it would be. Mind you, I never really have expectations on where I think I should specifically be but, I would think that at my age, I could say I am involved in an adult relationship looking towards something more than possibly being someone's girlfriend.
Last night, I had this conversation with New Guy. He thinks that if we spend more time together, that we would definitely be on the marriage track. He's a great person, if hypothetically we were to get together on that level, I'm sure he would make a good partner and co-parent. Do I see that with him as of yet? I'm not sure. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I dn't allow myself to see him that way. I think that I have to push myself forward. I am safely staying in this place where I don't have to push myself out of where I am, like I am afraid to move. I think that this whole thing with Mysterious Ex is comfortable to me because I know what to expect from him, our relationship no matter how bad, has a certain pattern that I am accustomed to. I think that is sad but, it is the truth. I have to make myself break out of the pattern I have set myself into. I think that most definitely entails letting Mysterious Ex go. Whether or not I am ready to do that is another story though, I know it is probably best for me. I think to myself, you're a smart girl, you know what is good for you and what is not but, my heart as so much more say in this decision than my logical brain. I know that it will hurt but no matter how screwed up we are, I like being with him, I don't really know what that's about and I don't think I like it very much.
Breakfast: Egg and Bacon on a roll and coffee
Dinner: Caesar salad and iced tea
Hours on the Phone: about 1
Resumes: 6
Exercise: Not much today
Bought: a sympathy card
Death is a sad thing. I feel bad about saying mean things about E's family earlier. I mean, they are the people I said they were but, this was a really big blow to them. I felt expecially bad for her mom since she lost a child. It was a really hard thing.
I told E I would call her over the weekend. I don't mind being there for her through this ordeal, I hope that I can be a good friend to her.
Being at the wake today made me think of things greatly. E's sister was rather young, only in her mid forties. I haven't spoken to E in nearly three years and in that time, she has gotten a divorce and has the most beautiful daughter and I think that my life is seemingly the same. On the one hand, not really because my job situation is different, I've grown as a person but my personal life seems very much the same. Three years ago, I was involved with this crazy guy, upset with the way our relationship was going, upset with my love life. Right now, I feel the same. My personal life is not where I want it would be or where I thought it would be. Mind you, I never really have expectations on where I think I should specifically be but, I would think that at my age, I could say I am involved in an adult relationship looking towards something more than possibly being someone's girlfriend.
Last night, I had this conversation with New Guy. He thinks that if we spend more time together, that we would definitely be on the marriage track. He's a great person, if hypothetically we were to get together on that level, I'm sure he would make a good partner and co-parent. Do I see that with him as of yet? I'm not sure. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I dn't allow myself to see him that way. I think that I have to push myself forward. I am safely staying in this place where I don't have to push myself out of where I am, like I am afraid to move. I think that this whole thing with Mysterious Ex is comfortable to me because I know what to expect from him, our relationship no matter how bad, has a certain pattern that I am accustomed to. I think that is sad but, it is the truth. I have to make myself break out of the pattern I have set myself into. I think that most definitely entails letting Mysterious Ex go. Whether or not I am ready to do that is another story though, I know it is probably best for me. I think to myself, you're a smart girl, you know what is good for you and what is not but, my heart as so much more say in this decision than my logical brain. I know that it will hurt but no matter how screwed up we are, I like being with him, I don't really know what that's about and I don't think I like it very much.
Oh My God, I HATE, Stupid People
So, I'm fresh off of my hate fest with stupid AOL from yesterday. (By the way, I am totally going to find a new ISP, I might take the advice of The Ming(thanks) and get a cable connection 'cause AOL blows) Anyway, I wake up this morning, have a great breakfast as well as very stimulating conversation with my cousing and return home to find that I have a message from a place where I applied to worked. Woo Hoo!, I think because frankly, I am in desperate need of a job. The position is for Teaching Artist (basically, a glorified Art Teacher's position but, hey, who am I to complain. They wanted someone who is an artist (check for me) and someone who has teaching experience (second check for me). That's basically it. To put things into perspective, I am going to post my resume, just so that there is an idea of my qualifications:
My Name
My Phone Number
My Street Address
My City, State and Zip Code
My Email Address
HIGHLIGHTS OF QUALIFICATIONS
EFFECTIVE, ORGANIZED EDUCATOR with over 5 years experience. Combines a love for the arts with New York State standards to successfully develop lessons that engage students, promotes learning and a sense of accomplishment. Great classroom management and superb interpersonal skills. Core competencies include:
Creation and implementation of lesson plans targeting students of multiple intelligence
Creation of Individual Education Programs
Behavior modification through Montessori like approach to teaching
Specialty in Literacy and writing skills
Strong Conflict Resolution Skills
Excellent Classroom Management
Specializing in educating academically delayed students
Creating and directing extracurricular activities
Teacher Training
Team Leadership
EXPERIENCE
OWNER AND PRESIDENT Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style (09/2003 - present)
Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style is a mail order business providing clothing, accessories and baked goods for the distinguishing person and their companion animal. We offer, clothing and a wide range of
accessories along with cakes and other pet friendly baked goods. We also provide party planning and consultation for pet oriented events. We provided services for the hit HBO show Sex and the City.
As the owner of this company, I have many skills including but not limited to:
Recruiting and training personnel including assistant managers, customer service, administrative and production staff working both full-time and part-time positions
Hiring and supervising a staff of up to 15 with responsibility for performance evaluations, benefits and payroll administration including state and federal taxes
Overseeing operations including customer service, accounting, auditing, advertising, inventory control and order fulfillment for departments with sales of up to $100,000 annually
EDUCATOR AND HOME SCHOOL CONSULTANT, Brooklyn, NY, Grades 2 - 12, (09/2003 -present)
Create engaging lessons that meet NY State standards for students who are academically delayed or in need of enrichment. Provide support for classroom teacher and parents by providing an alternate education source. Increase skills of students in areas such as literacy, writing, social awareness, science and arithmetic. Create alternate outlets for behaviorally challenged students which include, art and
yoga.
CLASSROOM TEACHER, PS 123 The Suydam School, Brooklyn, NY, Grade 4, (09/ 2000 - 06/ 2003)
As a Classroom Teacher, I worked in an ever changing environment where my organizational, interpersonal, authoritative and professional skills were continuously challenged.
Stringently prepared my students for the ELA and standardized mathematics and science tests with 99% success rate. Provided leadership and support to new teachers.
Created inviting and exciting classroom environment that was conducive to learning.
Educated academically delayed and behavior challenged students.
Used formal and informal assessment strategies to evaluate and ensure the continuous intellectual, social and physical development of students.
Along with two colleagues, created Building Community Through Movement, an after school program composed of Karate, Yoga and African dance which supplemented physical education for students who received additional academic support during school hours. Not only was this program successful for the physical achievement of our children, 98% improved academically, socially, and behaviorally.
Created an after school program based on gardening and improving the community. Students planted trees, flowers and vegetables and cleaned community gardens.
TEACHER, PS 309, Brooklyn, NY Grades 3 - 6, (01/ 2000 - 06/ 2000)
Created engaging and challenging social studies and science lessons.
Educated students of multiple intelligence including inclusion classes.
Worked closely with supervisors to ensure academic standards of lessons.
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John the Evangelist Elementary School, Grades 6-8, (09/ 1998 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum
Managed and purchased necessary art supplies
Solicited donations from companies and retail outlets to supplement school art inventory
Implemented lessons in art from art history to art creation tailored to ability levels
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John's University's Metropolitan College, (09/1997 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum for approval by the dean
Encouraged group motivation which created a learning environment that stressed positive social interaction, active engagement in learning and self-motivation
EDUCATION
Columbia University Teacher's College, New York, NY
Master of Art Secondary Art Education
Master of Science in Education Elementary Education
New York State Certification May 2002
St. John's University, Jamaica, NY
Bachelor of Fine Art Fine Art and Graphic Design September 1999
Okay, and that's right, not one, but TWO Masters and a double major. So basically this is how the conversation goes:
Me: Hello, this is MY NAME, I am calling to speak to J.O., he left me a message concerning the position of Teaching Artist.
J.O. (stupid person if you haven't figured it out): Yes, My Name, I called you.
Me, (after a few seconds of awkward silence): yes, you did. Would you like to speak about the position?
J.O. (already labeled in my mind as a stupid person): Uh,....., Um,... Uh, yes, this position is for a Teaching Artist, tell me, what do you think a Teaching Artist is? (rather condescendingly) Do you know what a Teaching Artist is?
Me: I would assume that it was an Art Teacher of sorts.
J.O. (sounding more and more stupid by the moment): Uh,........., Um, not quite. A Teaching Artist is an artist that teaches.
Me: Okay.
J.O.: I see that you have extensive experience helping (HELPING MIND YOU, I'M A FUCKING TEACHER DUDE, GIVE ME A BREAK!) children.
Me: Not quite, I was a teacher for over 5 years. I started and ran two afterschool programs and taught upwards of 36 children at a time. I was a classroom teacher. If you look at my resume, I have two Masters in education.
J.O.: Oh, Uh, ......., Um, ......., oh yes, I have your resume. Let me ask you, do you like children?
Me: Excuse me?
J.O.: Do you like children?
Me: I have taught children for over 5 years. I have worked by choice, with children in grades 3 - 6 for my adult life, yes, I like children.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: I am a painter, and illustrator, I make dolls and I have double undergraduate degrees in Fine Arts and Graphic Design.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: We are most interested in your experience at P.S. 123, was that full time?
Me: Yes, I was a classroom teacher. I taught all subjects and was in the classroom with the children all day, I was the classroom teacher.
J.O.: So that was full time?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: (Even though the postion was specifically for upper elementary) How do you feel about kindergarten children?
Me: Well truthfully, the majority of my experience has been with children in grades 3 and up, I don't have extensive expereince with kindergarteners.
J.O.: So you uh......, um......., don't like them?
Me: I don't have experience with children that young, I don't not like them, I don't have experience with them to draw upon.
J.O.: You don't like them.
Me: I didn't say that.
J.O.: Uh, huh. Um........,This position starts in the fall, it's two hours a week. We need someone really flamboyant and out there to get these kids going, this will be anafterschool program. Do you have experience with afterschool?
Me: Yes, I helped start and run two after school programs. But truthfully, I'm looking for something a little more full time, more than two hours a week.
J.O.: Well, It isn't going to pay your rent, you'll have to get another job.
Me: I don't think this will be a good position for me.
J.O.: Good Luck, bye. Hangs up the phone.
My God, he was such an idiot. I wish I could have taped it so that it could be rebroadcast. I wanted to laugh during the entire thing. I have never had experience with an interviewer like this, it was ridiculous. Where do they get people like this? I find it so rude that the person interviewing me isn't at least of the same intelligence as me. How can you determine whether or not I am a good fit for the position when #1, you don't have a command of the english language, #2, you obviously have some basic comprehension problems? This is ridiculous. Then he tells me "Good Luck and Bye" with such an attitude as though I wasted his time. I am sincerely thinking of sending a very damaging letter to his place of employment I mean my God, was he nervous, on herion, eating a bagel? WTF? I can't take it. I'll write more later, I have to get dressed later.
This may sound really mean to complain about and believe me, I'm not really complaining about it but, I am. My friend E's sister passed away. I feel really bad for her, I went through the death of my dad not so long ago. The thing is, I haven't spoken to E in like three years because she is one of those annoying and needy friends. If I speak to her one day it's like I'll have to talk to her 7 or 8 times a day as she complains about her socks, shoes, television, cereal, any and everything little thing that happens in her life. All the while, she, her family, friends, child or anyonee that is visiting her house is yelling in the background at the top of thier lungs scraming in a multitude of languages and joining in our conversation. Speaking to her is draining. This is mean and I'm only writing this becasue I know she will NEVER read this but, E, and her family are SO annoying. They are ALL SO loud and they tell really bad jokes that they all think are funny even though they really aren't. They all dress in this old lady type clothing though truth be told, they are very sweet people, they are just annoying as hell. So, I am dreading having to go to this wake today because I am not in the mood to be around these folk. I'll have to talk to them and laugh at their crappy jokes. This is one they have been telling for years: They are all about 5'2, I happen to be 5'9" and I LOVE heels so I am usually about 6 feet tall when I'm outside. During the course of any event where I am around them one of them inevitably says, "How's it going up there?" or this one "Jeez, think you can lend me some leg?" at which they all simultaneously (and I'm talking about 20 people in all) burst out laughing, holding their bellys and wiping tears from their eyes. That's not even that funny. Once, I ran it across my cousin to see if maybe they had some inside joke going or they were being sarcastic but, they are way too simple for that, like they aren't savvy enough to be sarcastic.
Boy, I'm evil, I might go to hell for that one.
My Name
My Phone Number
My Street Address
My City, State and Zip Code
My Email Address
HIGHLIGHTS OF QUALIFICATIONS
EFFECTIVE, ORGANIZED EDUCATOR with over 5 years experience. Combines a love for the arts with New York State standards to successfully develop lessons that engage students, promotes learning and a sense of accomplishment. Great classroom management and superb interpersonal skills. Core competencies include:
Creation and implementation of lesson plans targeting students of multiple intelligence
Creation of Individual Education Programs
Behavior modification through Montessori like approach to teaching
Specialty in Literacy and writing skills
Strong Conflict Resolution Skills
Excellent Classroom Management
Specializing in educating academically delayed students
Creating and directing extracurricular activities
Teacher Training
Team Leadership
EXPERIENCE
OWNER AND PRESIDENT Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style (09/2003 - present)
Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style is a mail order business providing clothing, accessories and baked goods for the distinguishing person and their companion animal. We offer, clothing and a wide range of
accessories along with cakes and other pet friendly baked goods. We also provide party planning and consultation for pet oriented events. We provided services for the hit HBO show Sex and the City.
As the owner of this company, I have many skills including but not limited to:
Recruiting and training personnel including assistant managers, customer service, administrative and production staff working both full-time and part-time positions
Hiring and supervising a staff of up to 15 with responsibility for performance evaluations, benefits and payroll administration including state and federal taxes
Overseeing operations including customer service, accounting, auditing, advertising, inventory control and order fulfillment for departments with sales of up to $100,000 annually
EDUCATOR AND HOME SCHOOL CONSULTANT, Brooklyn, NY, Grades 2 - 12, (09/2003 -present)
Create engaging lessons that meet NY State standards for students who are academically delayed or in need of enrichment. Provide support for classroom teacher and parents by providing an alternate education source. Increase skills of students in areas such as literacy, writing, social awareness, science and arithmetic. Create alternate outlets for behaviorally challenged students which include, art and
yoga.
CLASSROOM TEACHER, PS 123 The Suydam School, Brooklyn, NY, Grade 4, (09/ 2000 - 06/ 2003)
As a Classroom Teacher, I worked in an ever changing environment where my organizational, interpersonal, authoritative and professional skills were continuously challenged.
Stringently prepared my students for the ELA and standardized mathematics and science tests with 99% success rate. Provided leadership and support to new teachers.
Created inviting and exciting classroom environment that was conducive to learning.
Educated academically delayed and behavior challenged students.
Used formal and informal assessment strategies to evaluate and ensure the continuous intellectual, social and physical development of students.
Along with two colleagues, created Building Community Through Movement, an after school program composed of Karate, Yoga and African dance which supplemented physical education for students who received additional academic support during school hours. Not only was this program successful for the physical achievement of our children, 98% improved academically, socially, and behaviorally.
Created an after school program based on gardening and improving the community. Students planted trees, flowers and vegetables and cleaned community gardens.
TEACHER, PS 309, Brooklyn, NY Grades 3 - 6, (01/ 2000 - 06/ 2000)
Created engaging and challenging social studies and science lessons.
Educated students of multiple intelligence including inclusion classes.
Worked closely with supervisors to ensure academic standards of lessons.
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John the Evangelist Elementary School, Grades 6-8, (09/ 1998 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum
Managed and purchased necessary art supplies
Solicited donations from companies and retail outlets to supplement school art inventory
Implemented lessons in art from art history to art creation tailored to ability levels
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John's University's Metropolitan College, (09/1997 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum for approval by the dean
Encouraged group motivation which created a learning environment that stressed positive social interaction, active engagement in learning and self-motivation
EDUCATION
Columbia University Teacher's College, New York, NY
Master of Art Secondary Art Education
Master of Science in Education Elementary Education
New York State Certification May 2002
St. John's University, Jamaica, NY
Bachelor of Fine Art Fine Art and Graphic Design September 1999
Okay, and that's right, not one, but TWO Masters and a double major. So basically this is how the conversation goes:
Me: Hello, this is MY NAME, I am calling to speak to J.O., he left me a message concerning the position of Teaching Artist.
J.O. (stupid person if you haven't figured it out): Yes, My Name, I called you.
Me, (after a few seconds of awkward silence): yes, you did. Would you like to speak about the position?
J.O. (already labeled in my mind as a stupid person): Uh,....., Um,... Uh, yes, this position is for a Teaching Artist, tell me, what do you think a Teaching Artist is? (rather condescendingly) Do you know what a Teaching Artist is?
Me: I would assume that it was an Art Teacher of sorts.
J.O. (sounding more and more stupid by the moment): Uh,........., Um, not quite. A Teaching Artist is an artist that teaches.
Me: Okay.
J.O.: I see that you have extensive experience helping (HELPING MIND YOU, I'M A FUCKING TEACHER DUDE, GIVE ME A BREAK!) children.
Me: Not quite, I was a teacher for over 5 years. I started and ran two afterschool programs and taught upwards of 36 children at a time. I was a classroom teacher. If you look at my resume, I have two Masters in education.
J.O.: Oh, Uh, ......., Um, ......., oh yes, I have your resume. Let me ask you, do you like children?
Me: Excuse me?
J.O.: Do you like children?
Me: I have taught children for over 5 years. I have worked by choice, with children in grades 3 - 6 for my adult life, yes, I like children.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: I am a painter, and illustrator, I make dolls and I have double undergraduate degrees in Fine Arts and Graphic Design.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: We are most interested in your experience at P.S. 123, was that full time?
Me: Yes, I was a classroom teacher. I taught all subjects and was in the classroom with the children all day, I was the classroom teacher.
J.O.: So that was full time?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: (Even though the postion was specifically for upper elementary) How do you feel about kindergarten children?
Me: Well truthfully, the majority of my experience has been with children in grades 3 and up, I don't have extensive expereince with kindergarteners.
J.O.: So you uh......, um......., don't like them?
Me: I don't have experience with children that young, I don't not like them, I don't have experience with them to draw upon.
J.O.: You don't like them.
Me: I didn't say that.
J.O.: Uh, huh. Um........,This position starts in the fall, it's two hours a week. We need someone really flamboyant and out there to get these kids going, this will be anafterschool program. Do you have experience with afterschool?
Me: Yes, I helped start and run two after school programs. But truthfully, I'm looking for something a little more full time, more than two hours a week.
J.O.: Well, It isn't going to pay your rent, you'll have to get another job.
Me: I don't think this will be a good position for me.
J.O.: Good Luck, bye. Hangs up the phone.
My God, he was such an idiot. I wish I could have taped it so that it could be rebroadcast. I wanted to laugh during the entire thing. I have never had experience with an interviewer like this, it was ridiculous. Where do they get people like this? I find it so rude that the person interviewing me isn't at least of the same intelligence as me. How can you determine whether or not I am a good fit for the position when #1, you don't have a command of the english language, #2, you obviously have some basic comprehension problems? This is ridiculous. Then he tells me "Good Luck and Bye" with such an attitude as though I wasted his time. I am sincerely thinking of sending a very damaging letter to his place of employment I mean my God, was he nervous, on herion, eating a bagel? WTF? I can't take it. I'll write more later, I have to get dressed later.
This may sound really mean to complain about and believe me, I'm not really complaining about it but, I am. My friend E's sister passed away. I feel really bad for her, I went through the death of my dad not so long ago. The thing is, I haven't spoken to E in like three years because she is one of those annoying and needy friends. If I speak to her one day it's like I'll have to talk to her 7 or 8 times a day as she complains about her socks, shoes, television, cereal, any and everything little thing that happens in her life. All the while, she, her family, friends, child or anyonee that is visiting her house is yelling in the background at the top of thier lungs scraming in a multitude of languages and joining in our conversation. Speaking to her is draining. This is mean and I'm only writing this becasue I know she will NEVER read this but, E, and her family are SO annoying. They are ALL SO loud and they tell really bad jokes that they all think are funny even though they really aren't. They all dress in this old lady type clothing though truth be told, they are very sweet people, they are just annoying as hell. So, I am dreading having to go to this wake today because I am not in the mood to be around these folk. I'll have to talk to them and laugh at their crappy jokes. This is one they have been telling for years: They are all about 5'2, I happen to be 5'9" and I LOVE heels so I am usually about 6 feet tall when I'm outside. During the course of any event where I am around them one of them inevitably says, "How's it going up there?" or this one "Jeez, think you can lend me some leg?" at which they all simultaneously (and I'm talking about 20 people in all) burst out laughing, holding their bellys and wiping tears from their eyes. That's not even that funny. Once, I ran it across my cousin to see if maybe they had some inside joke going or they were being sarcastic but, they are way too simple for that, like they aren't savvy enough to be sarcastic.
Boy, I'm evil, I might go to hell for that one.
5.11.2005
I HATE AOL!
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Grits, eggs, sausage toast and coffee
Thinking of having rice and chicken for dinner if I get hungry.
Hours on Phone: only about 1/2 was outside most of the day
Resumes: 2 but intend to send more
Exercise: Does 4 hours of yard work count? I say an enthusiastic YES!
Bought: Nada though, I'm going to buy some crap tomorrow.
Uggh! Why do I pay 25 dollars a month for such crummy service?! I don't even use the stupid AOL browser but, I am constantly kicked off because of stupid AOL. Ugggh! It just did it while I am writing this, now I will have to sign on again before I put up this post. This is insane! If I didn't work, someone would fire me but AOL can just not work and blame their "technical difficulties" as though that is a good enough explanation. Could you imagine telling your boss, "I can't work today because of technical difficulties"?! Some f---ing nerve these AOLers have. I HATE them. I hope AOL goes out of business and suffers a horrible, horrible demise but being a liberal, I hope no one has to lose their job or their pension because of it. Speaking of losing pensions, I was reading today abut how Delta Airlines (I think) will not have to pay their employees pension plan even though these people have worked hard, invested in it and rightfully deserve it. It infuriates me that this can so easily be done yet the same government who allows this passes a bill to make it harder for people to claim personal bankruptcy. Has anyone heard of such assinine B.S.? It's crazy how working people are continuously screwed over while those who can afford to be screwed every so often are allowed to slip pass the cracks paying smaller amounts of taxes percentage wise and getting all kinds of freebies. I'm not trying to turn my blog political or anything but, it's crap like this that gets on my nerves. It's sad indeed what our country is becoming or rather is, a haven for the wealthy while the rest of us scrap by trying to make it. On the flip side, I must say I LOVE Mac OS X. I remember the early days of the Mac OS system, if AOL kept crashing the way it has been, I would have had to restart my computer each and every time, now, I can just restart AOL without touching the rest of my system, such wonderfulness. AOl just did it again, that's three times in less than ten minutes. I'm calling and demanding a credit right now. They have me on line with one of those computer things the ones that you have to talk to and always gets what you say wrong. Who invented this thing? and I hope they were not allowed to live after unleashing such an awful so called communication device into the world. Do they honestly believe that people would rather speak to a machine than a human being? I am so disgusted. Finally a person has come on and while I am speaking to him, it disconnects again. He has the nerve to try to get me to sign for another year with them and if I cancel my service anytime during the year, I will owe them the full amount at the time of cancelling. HELLO, I'm calling because your'e company sucks. I could see if was all "Oh, AOL is wonderful, I've never had anything better." They've got to be kidding. What are they on, some kind of crack? These people are ridiculous.
Today, Samson and I were in the yard. I was gardening and he was barking at various insects, and pieces of pollen. While in the yard, I heard two loud pops and became very afraid. I don't know if I was being paranoid (actually, I KNOW I was being paranoid) but, I automatically assumed someone wanted to shoot me and my dog. Oh god, I was so scared, I went in the house and sat there for a long time, thinking it I went out, the sniper would surely do us both in. I'm irrational, I know.
Mysterious Ex made me feel so bad yesterday. I was very angry at him and I wanted to pick a fight. I had all of my words planned out so that I would have the right stuff to attack him with and then he went and told me this very sad story and about how it has him down. I felt like such a louse, I'm terrible. I don't know what to do or think. I thought I was coming to some type of decision but, I truly felt for him, where does that leave me? The thing is, I really do love M.E. I think about him often, I see us living in a house together making babies and stuff, he's going to counseling but, I don't see an effect thus far. I know that a major part of a relationshiop is sticking with that person during the good and bad but, am I doing too much?
Breakfast: Grits, eggs, sausage toast and coffee
Thinking of having rice and chicken for dinner if I get hungry.
Hours on Phone: only about 1/2 was outside most of the day
Resumes: 2 but intend to send more
Exercise: Does 4 hours of yard work count? I say an enthusiastic YES!
Bought: Nada though, I'm going to buy some crap tomorrow.
Uggh! Why do I pay 25 dollars a month for such crummy service?! I don't even use the stupid AOL browser but, I am constantly kicked off because of stupid AOL. Ugggh! It just did it while I am writing this, now I will have to sign on again before I put up this post. This is insane! If I didn't work, someone would fire me but AOL can just not work and blame their "technical difficulties" as though that is a good enough explanation. Could you imagine telling your boss, "I can't work today because of technical difficulties"?! Some f---ing nerve these AOLers have. I HATE them. I hope AOL goes out of business and suffers a horrible, horrible demise but being a liberal, I hope no one has to lose their job or their pension because of it. Speaking of losing pensions, I was reading today abut how Delta Airlines (I think) will not have to pay their employees pension plan even though these people have worked hard, invested in it and rightfully deserve it. It infuriates me that this can so easily be done yet the same government who allows this passes a bill to make it harder for people to claim personal bankruptcy. Has anyone heard of such assinine B.S.? It's crazy how working people are continuously screwed over while those who can afford to be screwed every so often are allowed to slip pass the cracks paying smaller amounts of taxes percentage wise and getting all kinds of freebies. I'm not trying to turn my blog political or anything but, it's crap like this that gets on my nerves. It's sad indeed what our country is becoming or rather is, a haven for the wealthy while the rest of us scrap by trying to make it. On the flip side, I must say I LOVE Mac OS X. I remember the early days of the Mac OS system, if AOL kept crashing the way it has been, I would have had to restart my computer each and every time, now, I can just restart AOL without touching the rest of my system, such wonderfulness. AOl just did it again, that's three times in less than ten minutes. I'm calling and demanding a credit right now. They have me on line with one of those computer things the ones that you have to talk to and always gets what you say wrong. Who invented this thing? and I hope they were not allowed to live after unleashing such an awful so called communication device into the world. Do they honestly believe that people would rather speak to a machine than a human being? I am so disgusted. Finally a person has come on and while I am speaking to him, it disconnects again. He has the nerve to try to get me to sign for another year with them and if I cancel my service anytime during the year, I will owe them the full amount at the time of cancelling. HELLO, I'm calling because your'e company sucks. I could see if was all "Oh, AOL is wonderful, I've never had anything better." They've got to be kidding. What are they on, some kind of crack? These people are ridiculous.
Today, Samson and I were in the yard. I was gardening and he was barking at various insects, and pieces of pollen. While in the yard, I heard two loud pops and became very afraid. I don't know if I was being paranoid (actually, I KNOW I was being paranoid) but, I automatically assumed someone wanted to shoot me and my dog. Oh god, I was so scared, I went in the house and sat there for a long time, thinking it I went out, the sniper would surely do us both in. I'm irrational, I know.
Mysterious Ex made me feel so bad yesterday. I was very angry at him and I wanted to pick a fight. I had all of my words planned out so that I would have the right stuff to attack him with and then he went and told me this very sad story and about how it has him down. I felt like such a louse, I'm terrible. I don't know what to do or think. I thought I was coming to some type of decision but, I truly felt for him, where does that leave me? The thing is, I really do love M.E. I think about him often, I see us living in a house together making babies and stuff, he's going to counseling but, I don't see an effect thus far. I know that a major part of a relationshiop is sticking with that person during the good and bad but, am I doing too much?
5.09.2005
can't think, I'm tired
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Pops
Lunch: Baked Ziti and Baked Chicken
Dinner: Baked Chicken and Ziti
Hours on Phone: about 2 so far
Resumes: I believe 5 have three interviews next week (woo hoo!)
Exercise: Some yard work about an hour
Bought: Some doll hair for a new doll I'm making only .75 cents a pack(I love ebay)
So, I have three job interviews next week. I'm very excited about that considering the fact that I am in desperate need of a job. I hate being unemployed man, I've never not had a job and it's starting to take it's toll on me. I hate not having enough money to do the things I want to do, I hate having to be on this cock a mammy tightwad budget.
I am so happy for my friend G, she's getting married this year to a really great guy that she really loves. I hope that I am able to be with someone like that.
Back to the Mysterious Ex, New Guy thing. I am seriously angry at Mysterious Ex, it just bothers me that he is doing the same things he has done in the past and doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. The thing is this, we broke up, I wrote him this huge letter outlining all of the problems we have, all of the things I feel that he has done wrong, our break up lasted a week with our going back and forth making these points to one another. We were apart for three months, we did not speak to one another, we didn't see one another then, out of the blue he calls me, professes all of this love to me and wants us to try to be together again. I cautiously agree, of course I still have doubts about how our relationship has played out in the past. But, I feel after the break up we had, if he is coming back, he is going to take the things I have told him seriously and try to honestly change, he even tells me this but, I feel that he was not being truthful with me or with himself. I care for him but, I am not willing to allow myself to be hurt for his benefit. I am not going to silently sit on the sidelines and hope for the best from him. I did that for a year, an entire year and I don't want to do that any longer. If he loves me, how can he be so careless with my feelings.
I don't want to play one guy against the other. If M.E. and I don't work I want it to be because we just don't work, not because some other guy wooed me better but, New Guy (at least now), seems like a better choice. I don't want things to be over with M.E., I don't want to just end things because they aren't going the way I want them to, I realize that a relationship is work and it needs attention and time to grow but, when is enough enough? When do you realize that no amount of time or energy will make a relationship grow to where you want it?
Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Pops
Lunch: Baked Ziti and Baked Chicken
Dinner: Baked Chicken and Ziti
Hours on Phone: about 2 so far
Resumes: I believe 5 have three interviews next week (woo hoo!)
Exercise: Some yard work about an hour
Bought: Some doll hair for a new doll I'm making only .75 cents a pack(I love ebay)
So, I have three job interviews next week. I'm very excited about that considering the fact that I am in desperate need of a job. I hate being unemployed man, I've never not had a job and it's starting to take it's toll on me. I hate not having enough money to do the things I want to do, I hate having to be on this cock a mammy tightwad budget.
I am so happy for my friend G, she's getting married this year to a really great guy that she really loves. I hope that I am able to be with someone like that.
Back to the Mysterious Ex, New Guy thing. I am seriously angry at Mysterious Ex, it just bothers me that he is doing the same things he has done in the past and doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. The thing is this, we broke up, I wrote him this huge letter outlining all of the problems we have, all of the things I feel that he has done wrong, our break up lasted a week with our going back and forth making these points to one another. We were apart for three months, we did not speak to one another, we didn't see one another then, out of the blue he calls me, professes all of this love to me and wants us to try to be together again. I cautiously agree, of course I still have doubts about how our relationship has played out in the past. But, I feel after the break up we had, if he is coming back, he is going to take the things I have told him seriously and try to honestly change, he even tells me this but, I feel that he was not being truthful with me or with himself. I care for him but, I am not willing to allow myself to be hurt for his benefit. I am not going to silently sit on the sidelines and hope for the best from him. I did that for a year, an entire year and I don't want to do that any longer. If he loves me, how can he be so careless with my feelings.
I don't want to play one guy against the other. If M.E. and I don't work I want it to be because we just don't work, not because some other guy wooed me better but, New Guy (at least now), seems like a better choice. I don't want things to be over with M.E., I don't want to just end things because they aren't going the way I want them to, I realize that a relationship is work and it needs attention and time to grow but, when is enough enough? When do you realize that no amount of time or energy will make a relationship grow to where you want it?
5.08.2005
Have I Made a Decision?
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Corn Pops Cereal
Lunch: Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner: Salami Sandwich Potato Chips
Also a host of cookies, snack cakes and I even had some ice cream
Hours on Phone: over 3
Exercise: Not much
Bought: Nothing
After another day of spending time with New Guy, I have come to realize that I really do like him. I feel very comfortable around him. Mind you, time I spend with Mysterious Ex is also good, it is not as though I don't like to be with M.E., in fact, I LOVE spending time with him. But realistically, I am not sure if we are going along the path that I would like to go. I am not sure if the end result of our relationship will be note worthy. We still barely see one another, I know that for the time being and for the short term future he does not and will not have a vehicle so that would put a damper on any real attempt he would be trying to make in advancing our relationship but outside of that, I feel as though I still do not know him, I feel as though I am not apart of him. It is not that I want him to put his entire self into our relationship or place our connection above all goings on in his life, but I would like to know that there is something more than what is on the surface. I need more from him and I don't feel that I am going to get that.
When I see him, I see children and a home and a family but I realize that I see that like a fantasy, I don't feel that there is a true path to that world. I don't feel that we are in a place to make a way there, it is sad, but it is true. Maybe I am jumping the gun, we have been together again for only about a month but, I see no difference, things are very much as they were.
I did not want to spend time with New Guy originally, I didn't want to confuse myself by spending time with him but it has been much less confusing than I thought it would be. Truth be told, it has opened my eyes, with him, I feel free to talk about what I want, I don't feel that he is judging me. We have both declared the type of relationship we want and the kind of person we would like to be with and what we want is similar. I am very serious about what I want from my personal life and what he want directly coincides with my thoughts. I don't want this to be the end of me and Mysterious Ex. I don't want our relationship to disintergrate into nothing. I don't want to admit that I've made yet another mistake with Mysterious Ex but, I think that I may have.
Breakfast: Corn Pops Cereal
Lunch: Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner: Salami Sandwich Potato Chips
Also a host of cookies, snack cakes and I even had some ice cream
Hours on Phone: over 3
Exercise: Not much
Bought: Nothing
After another day of spending time with New Guy, I have come to realize that I really do like him. I feel very comfortable around him. Mind you, time I spend with Mysterious Ex is also good, it is not as though I don't like to be with M.E., in fact, I LOVE spending time with him. But realistically, I am not sure if we are going along the path that I would like to go. I am not sure if the end result of our relationship will be note worthy. We still barely see one another, I know that for the time being and for the short term future he does not and will not have a vehicle so that would put a damper on any real attempt he would be trying to make in advancing our relationship but outside of that, I feel as though I still do not know him, I feel as though I am not apart of him. It is not that I want him to put his entire self into our relationship or place our connection above all goings on in his life, but I would like to know that there is something more than what is on the surface. I need more from him and I don't feel that I am going to get that.
When I see him, I see children and a home and a family but I realize that I see that like a fantasy, I don't feel that there is a true path to that world. I don't feel that we are in a place to make a way there, it is sad, but it is true. Maybe I am jumping the gun, we have been together again for only about a month but, I see no difference, things are very much as they were.
I did not want to spend time with New Guy originally, I didn't want to confuse myself by spending time with him but it has been much less confusing than I thought it would be. Truth be told, it has opened my eyes, with him, I feel free to talk about what I want, I don't feel that he is judging me. We have both declared the type of relationship we want and the kind of person we would like to be with and what we want is similar. I am very serious about what I want from my personal life and what he want directly coincides with my thoughts. I don't want this to be the end of me and Mysterious Ex. I don't want our relationship to disintergrate into nothing. I don't want to admit that I've made yet another mistake with Mysterious Ex but, I think that I may have.
?
I spoke with Mysterious Ex this morning and it occurs to me as I am speaking to him, I don't think he is for me. The other day, I invited him to have Mother's Day dinner with me and my family at my brother's house and he says, "that sounds like a plan" but this morning his mom, who lives in Florida, suddenly makes an appearance here in NY and he is going to do something with her. Now, I realize that she is his mother and I am in no way thinking that I have precedent over her believe me but, I do find it strange that he did not say during the week, my mom is coming up for Mother's Day or she will be here for the weekend, he makes no mention of her but then suddenly she is here. He does weird things like this every so often, just strange unexplained things, hence his name, Mysterious Ex. While speaking to him this morning, it just really hit me (again) there is this constant battle between us, something that I really don't want to give much energy to anymore. There is this thing where I try to include him in my life, I make an effore for him to share things with me but I feel that he is constantly pushing me away or rather, that he is not even attempting to include me in his life. There are times when I feel that he is giving me great effort, when I feel that things could work between us and all could be well, but then, I get this type of thing where I feel as though I am continuosly on the outside, where I feel that I am always trying so hard to be apart of him and that is something that I am no longer going to do. I don't feel as though I should be at war with him. If he wants me to be apart of him and his life then this should come easy, it should just be. But, it isn't that way, I don't think it will be and I am not going to try to make it that way. In short, I give up, I will not try, it will from now on be all on him so, I think that we are over.
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