I have to be to work in less than two hours but I'm sitting here in my robe writing this. Maybe it's because the end of the year is near but, I've just been kind of wallowing in my own shit. It's like for whatever reason, old hurts have been coming up and I don't like it at all. I don't like to dwell on stuff, especially old stuff but this isn't my doing, it just comes up and then it's there. Last night, I cried before falling asleep. Actually, I was kind of teary eyed all day. One of the kids I service gave me a huge hug yesterday and said I was the best teacher (all adults who deal with kids within schools are considered teachers in the kids eyes, even if the adult isn't really a teacher) he ever had. That made me cry. When coming home, I thought about a little girl I had to refer to additional services because her family is going through evictions proceedings, (something I've done many times) and that made me cry. Then last night, I took a shower, put on my night gown, flipped Sam into bed (I do that everynight and he loves it) and just the fact that I was going to bed alone again got to me. That made me cry. Believe me, I'm not the lonely type but, it just gets a bit frustratign sometimes, I'm not sure if its because I'm single or because life as I know it hasn't turned out to be ANYTHING like I planned it our hoped it would be.
I know that I would rather be by myself than put up with the dumb shit that I've come acorss in recent years, believe me. I know that I'm not down on myself for "being single" because that too isn't the case. I honestly think it is just that I am TIRED of the bullshit that I constantly come across. I am TIRED of always feeling as though I am being treated in some disgusting or unfit way especially since I know I am not deseerving of such foolishness. As I get older, I don't want to miss out on the chance to have baby. I know that it was something I was going to go at alone last year and so I think, now without the tumor or fear of not being able to have a child, is that something I would once again consider? I've even on a few occassions considered dating outside of my race though that isn't something I feel too keen about. I'm not sure exactly what it is I am feeling. I'm not sure if I could put my finger on it directly but what ever it is, I'm feeling it hard.
All the year long, my family has brought up the fact that we would have dinner at my brother's house for Thanksgiving and then Christmas dinner at my house. Fine. Last night I went to see The Heavenly One and she goes, "So, we're going to your brother's house on Christmas, I told you, right?" Uh, no. When did the plans change? "Oh," she tells me, "we figured you wouldn't want to do all of that cooking since you started your new job and what not." Oh, so, you all figured what you think I might want to do? Uh huh. Is that correct?
Mind you, Christmas is on a Monday so, it isn't as though I'll have to come directly home and cook dinner. I have two days to prepare and more than likely, I'll be leaving early on Friday evening so... I found it so rude, weird, strange, not cute that they would make a decision like that. Without telling me, without saying anything, without asking me. So, I'm going to stay home and make a small dinner for myself and lay in bed with Sam to watch movies. Childish? Yes. But, I'm kind of pissed off and I don't feel like being bothered anyway in the mood I am in.
So for the few of this who read this. Merry Christmas. I hope yours will be better than mine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)