I have for some reason this evening, felt very sad. Maybe its because I have my period, maybe I'm just moody, but I was and am in this weird mood where I am missin Mysterious Ex. I felt so wonderful for a while, I wonder what is causing me to relapse, not exactly sure what it is but, I'm just feeling lonely, feeling a bit sad. I know that even when we were together I felt terrible, so, I don't know where this is coming from.

This evening, I attended the most ghetto wedding ever. I have never in my life seen such an assemblage of terribly dressed people. There must have been a buy 12 get 12 free down at the ten dollare store because every single member of this family looked a great hot mess. There were young girls with their breasts hanging out, old ladies with their asses hanging out. I've just never been witness to such a thing. Their clothing was a sight to behold. The dresses were just of the cheesiest material imagniable, I've never, ever, ever ever seen such a thing. I wish I had taken a camera so that there could be some proof.

This wedding was that of a distant friend. I know the bride through one of my cousins so of course, said cousin was there. This is the same cousin who rode in the car with me and Mysterious Ex at that huge wedding I had to go to back in June:


#3 Mysterious Ex was asked to cart some relatives from the church to the reception, since he has a big three rows of seats SUV/truck type of vehicle, he obliged which makes him very nice in my book. Said relatives were from the sect of my family no one likes to mention, they are mostly under educated, under or unemployed (and not because they were going through a career change or slump or this is a good enough job for now type thing), they mostly comprise of the stereotypical jive talking black folks that are thrown up on movie and T.V. screens. My brother, carrying his wife, two daughters and The Heavenly One (who decided she would bless both of us, my brother and I, with her presence by "allowing" M.E. and me to take her to the wedding and then "allowing" my brother to take her to the reception) had an entire row of seats to spare and M.E. and I, traveling together, unfortunately had two rows equaling 6 seats to give away. After the service, my brother and Mysterious Ex who both drive these massive SUVs were LITERALLY nearly run down with requests for being driven to the reception hall by this sect of my family. This is basically how it went:

Embarassing Family Member: (Spoken loudly and in the worst english possible) Yo, yo, MY NAME how you gettin' to the reception?

Me: Um, my boyfriend is going to drive me, well us.

Embarassing Family Member: What he be drivin'?

Me: Excuse me?

Embarassing Family Member: What he drivin'?

Me: You mean what type of CAR is he driving?

Embarassing Family Member: Yeah

Me: Um, he has a Land Cruiser, why?

Embarassing Family Member: He co' (could) take us?

Me: Well, who is "us"?

Embarassing Family Member: (Names replaced) This one, That one, and them, oh, and Her and Him

Me: Um, Let me ask.

Embarassing Family Member: Oh, you gotta be asking yo' man and shit?

Me: Well, it is HIS car, I'll let you know.



They decided they HAD to have beer before they went to the reception, even though the reception was like a mile away (there was beer and liquor being served at the reception) from the church and we left DIRECTLY after the service, (read: there was like 15 minute travel time including getting in the car, driving to the hall and finding parking, etc.) Before they all piled into the car, I let M.E. know about their propensity to make things disappear so he ever so discreetly threw small items into the back hutch like portion of the truck. Even though the ride only lasted a few minutes, it was one of the longest periods of my life. Mysterious Ex and I threw one another sideways glances as we listened to them slay the english language like a knight sent to rid the kingdom of the awful fire breathing dragon. Strangely, I think we grew closer as we listened to them declare how they would "knock a N---er out if he look at me wrong" and how they were ready to "get hiiiiiiiigh" (emphasis is their's not mine) we then listened to how either of us, (M.E. or I) would "get jacked if we came through their 'hood" because we were, AND I QUOTE, "sof', high class niggers, who be talkin' white and shit". I CANNOT POSSIBLY MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Their conversation then turned to how my parents have always been "stuck up", "thinkin' they white", and how they "be turnin' their nose up at us" and how consequently my brother and sister and I were the same. Mind you, I was in the car, in MY BOYFRIEND'S car who was giving them a ride. I would have loved for this lovely portion of the evening to have never ended but alas, we had arrived at our destinantion.


That cousin. So anyway, this girl has two beautiful children. Two gorgeous girls and all night long, I had to hear her curse them, ignore them, hit them and generally be mean to them because they were doing normal kid things and she wanted to get drunk. I couldn't stand it. Here I am, going to take out a line of credit on my house so that I can pay for an adoption of a child. Truth be told, I may not be able to have children, and here she is popping out healthy child one after the other (I know FOR A FACT that this girl has had AT LEAST 4 abortions) and she can't be bothered to treat them correctly. I've seen her do this to her kids before. She has a three year old daughter. THREE YEARS OLD. Once, her little girl was calling her, not in an annoying way but just in a "listen to me now" as children do kind of way. She answered to her three year old something to the effect of "shut the fuck up whore, you get on my nerves bitch." I don't remember precisely what she said, but I know she called her three year old a whore and a bitch. Here I am, I DESPERATELY want a baby, so much to the fact that I prayed my period wouldn't come, I had some tiny glimmer of hope that maybe some of Mysterious Ex's sperm from our last screw may have impregnated me.

Also of interest. I saw three whores tonight. My neighborhood is becoming slowly but surely gentrified. The wedding was about ten blocks from my house so, it's still my neighborhood. After the wedding, my cousin T (my favorite cousin) and I tried to get a cab. We spoke to a police officer, who was very sweet and he told us we should walk up the street, there was a better chance of getting a taxi there. So we go up the block and low and behold what is sitting there in the middle of the street? A hotel. So, we was this whore go into the hotel with this man, we were both pretty skeezed out because we knew the deal. As we are waiting and waiting to hail a cab, this whore gets into the car with this man and begins to give him a blow job, right there on the street. It was so crazy. Then, we see a cab but, it looks like it is off duty. The back window rolls down and this guy goes "where do you want to go?" We tell him and he says, I'll take you. He gets out of the back, we assumed he was taking a nap, but as we are approaching the car, this woman jumps out the back seat and then climbs into the front. My cousin and I just look at each other beause we are shocked, we really don't want this cab, but then again, we were trying to get one for like 20 minutes with no luck. The cab driver drops the girl off on some random corner and she goes, I wasn't standing here, he tells her, yes you were, get out, and she gets out. What a night.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, and more so, I'm sad.

Yet again, money is a hinderance

So, I am ready to have my home study (a background check on me and a survey of my home to see whether it is baby ready or not) and I really just have to choose which agency I want to go with. The thing is, all of the really good agencies are so expensive. As an adult, I've run into this situation a few times where I feel as though I am low on cash or I don't have enough to do something I want to do or in some cases need to do. I hate this feeling. It is something I have never experienced before being on my own. I do have to give my parents credit for doing things the way they did. They were really extraordinary. I've never been without, and if anything, I've always had excess, too much excess. I sometimes wish my dad was still around, he was so good with investing, I could really use his help mow. THO said that she would give me money for the adoption but, I don't want it, this is something that I feel I should do on my own. Even my friend C (who is a very wealthy older man, more on him later) offered but, I don't know if I am being prideful or if I just have strong convictions. I am planning to do some type of fundraising, if they offered to help with that, I would accept, but to just give me money, that isn't something I want to do.

My friend C is this guy that I've known for like over two years. I met him the day I bought Samson home. He's this short, skinny, balding, older white guy, but he's so much fun. He keeps me in stitches, he's a really great person. He and I tried dating for a short while, since he always says he likes me and admittedly, he's a great catch but, I just couldn't do it. We are so opposite that people can't help but stare at us when we are together. Hell, I would stare too if I saw us walking down the street or sitting in some cafe. I'm this tall, huge, big butted curvy, fat black chick with wild, crazy curly hair and he's this really conservative, suit wearing, not so tall, skinny, gray haired, balding white guy, we just look a mess together. He has offered me money for adoption, and then he offered to get me pregnant (C doesn't have children), I have turned him down on both offers. I feel that this is what I am supposed to do, things will work themselves out, I have to believe that they will.

I exchanged mail with this girl I met in class last week. She's a really cool sistah with locks and great style. She gave me the greatest compliment by telling me that she thought I looked great everyday (what can I say?) and she wanted to do some shopping with me. We are supposed to get together next week, so, I have a new friend, yay! I really don't have a lot of friends, like half the people I speak to and think are really cool, are people that I never or barely see because they live so far away, like Gwen who is absolutely great, but she and I just can't call one another up and go for a beer, then there's K who's in Chicago, though he is a great friend. There's female K who fucking lives in AUSTRIA of all places, there's NO WAY she and I can hang out, then there's the three D's, D#1 lives in South Carolina, D#2 lives in Georgia, and D#3 lives in Mississippi. Then there's G who I have a love/hate relationship with, she's cool but can get aggravating quickly, anyway, she's in Maryland, too far for a quick hangout. So, in so far as NY friends, that leaves me with the three T's, one is great, the other is getting her Masters now and raising two kids, she's busy, can't hang out, the other is pregnant and scared something will happen to her baby so, she can't hang out, (I'm going to see he next week). There's the aforementioned C but things with him are weird, there's always sex talk involved after a drink or two (coming from him) when we go out. Then there's L who is just way too ghetto for me, I can't hang out with her, and that's about it. I have a few associates, but no one I consider my "FRIEND". The last 2 new friends I acquired I wound up sleeping with (they were so damned cute) and one went Psycho on me, the other began to think I was her wife and became very upset when I informed her otherwise. So, all of that said, it will be cool to have a new friend.

Exchanged mail with M.D. also. he hadn't called me for a few days but, he's taking one of those classes I was taking, (he too is a Master Teacher), and this one is really kicking his ass. Those classes are a lot of work, I dont' envy him and I'm glad I'm done with mine. Going to perm my hair now, cross my fingers it works out, the last time I permed my hair, I had an allergic reaction and my entire face turned red, we'll see what goes down this time.

Wow, all of this baby stuff is sooo much work. I've filled out all of these papers, applications, waivers, etc. I'm thinking it may be easier to just go and get pregnant. I am stull organizing my baby registry, I shared it with THO tonight and she liked everything I picked out, but named about a zillion things I didn't even have on my list. I know this is going to be A LOT of work, but, I'm very willing.

I have to give Sam another haircut, he is looking less like Billy and more like Madonna. His little buzz cut which I didn't know if I liked before, has grown on me.

THO told me today that I seem so much happier lately and told her that I was. I just feel good, something that I can honestly say I haven't felt for quite some time. I feel free, I feel grat about myself, it's been a long time coming. My last grade for my classes came in today and I got all A's. I'm very happy about that. Now, during the school year, I will have to take two more classes, then a few more classes next summer (5), and I am all done. I am VERY excited about that and truthfully, had I known it would have been this easy, I would have done this a long time ago. Here I was spending my time getting double Masters and spending all of this money, and I could have just taken two summers of classes.

I am trying to be more active. When I was taking those classes, I was always going, always moving, I lost 12 pounds, not that I am trying to lose any more, but, I wouldn't mind not finding the 12 I've already lost. The heat wave has finally broken, so I'm going to try and get in a few miles a day (don't know yet if I'm lying or not).

The school where I was hired earlier this year has yet to give me any info, very strange. I called, but there was no answer. There are still a lot of teacher less classrooms in my neighborhood (even though I was trying to get OUT of my neighborhood) so I'll shop myself around this week and I'm sure I'll get something even if it has to be a little last minute. Well, I guess that's it.

My House is so Gross!

My house is disgusting. Since I have been home for some time, I have gotten myself in to the habit of continuously cleaning up. Picking up after myself when I've made a mess, etc. So, my house is usually clean or at least very close to being clean. SInce I have been running in and out of the house for the last few weeks, my house looks gross. There are towels on my bedroom floor. Underwear NEAR the laundry hamper and stuff on EVERY surface in my house. My couch cushions are all smushed to one side of the couch, my closets look like a bomb went off in them, and I won't even get into the details of my bathroom. Gross, gross, gross but strangely, I feel no strong desire to clean it at this moment.

I'm tired of wearing my hair curly, so I bought a perm to straighten it out. We'll see how that goes over, the perming thing. I hope it comes out good and my hair doesn't fall out. Also, with all of the running around I did with those classes, I lost 12 pounds (wow!) and was able to wear a dress I haven't worn in about two years. Sadly, does this mean I won't be able to fit any of the new cute clothes I bought for my new ample body? We'll see how long this weight loss lasts before I make any of those determinations.

Sam is happy that I am home with him again and frankly, I missed the little bugger. He's sitting in my lap as I write this and the cat is sitting on my feet. Ah, how wonderful it is to be loved.

Spoke to M.D. yesterday, we didn't go out because of the HORRIBLE rain storms NY experienced yesterday. Trees fell down, people were hurt, it was terrible. He really is a sweet guy though I don't think anythings going to come of it which is fine. It was nice just getting to know him and seeing that there are nice decent men out there still.

Went to the adoption meetings last week and went through the orientation and beginning stages. I filled out my application for adoption and for a home study so, we will see how things will go. Well, I'm going to attempt to clean my house.