here we go again

Went to yet another wedding today. But, this one was wonderful. It was beautiful, elegant, actually, perfect, a far, far cry from that catastrophe last week. My friend G and her boyfriend O got married. I am so happy for them, they seem so happy. Then, in the midst of this wonderful wedding, I began to feel so sad because it comes to me that no one that I have ever loved has ever loved me enough to make such a committment to me. I feel that I have wasted so much time on bad relationships. Alone, I wasted nearly two years with Mysterious Ex, hoping that things would get better. I, for a short time, questioned myself. What is it I'm doing? Why do I keep allowing myself to get mixed up in such foolishness? I'm not sure. I think I am so sure of myself. I think that I think I am so wonderful, but, I am alone. Even with the relationship between M.E. and I, I have been alone for about 3 years. My relationship with M.E. was not real, we barely spent time together, I was normally by myself anyway. So, I haven't REALLY been in a relationship since 2002 when I was with this horrible man who tried to beat my ass. and before that, I was with this guy for 6 years who left me and got this girl pregnant. What does all of this say about the kind of person I am. Are relationships just my bad thing? We all have something about us that is fucked up. I have a wonderful friend who is great but can't seem to pronounce the word spaghetti, (she says skasketti) that's her bad thing. ANother friend of mine is terrific, she smart, great, she just dabbles in hard core drugs, she's not an addict, its just her bad thing. Maybe relationships are mine. People always seem to be amazed that I am not in a committed relationship. Everyone thinks I'm so great, but there obviously must be something wrong with me. I wish I knew what it was. Do I just pick bad men? Do I allow too much of myself to go? What is it? Why am I this way? All day I've been thinking of this. I've wanted to cry all day long and I finally did when I got home.

My cousin Lovely went with me to the wedding. Whe came back to my house with me for a bit but she went home a while ago. We were talking and she had some things to say. She says that she thinks I should hold off on the adoption thing, she says that I need to heal from my relationship with M.E., she says that she doesn't think having a child right now is the best thing for me. I told her, I always thought that at this point in my life, I would be married and preparing for my first child. I told her that I cannot put my life on hold for something that may not happen. She tells me, you are only 27, you're still a young woman. I asked her, so when will I be old enough? Should I wait until I am 37 and go, okay, that's long enough, now I'll move on with my life? At this point, I am a working teacher. I am not rich but, I'm not starving either. In about two or so years, I will be making like 50,000 dollars more than I am making now, I have a house, I have tenants, I have some land, I live near family, this is what I want to do. Should I not do this because I don't have a man? She tells me that she thinks I'm a great person and I would make a wonderful mom but she feels I am rushing into the baby thing. I told her, look what I come home to, an empty house. I have Sam whom I love dearly, I have my cat whom I also love and that is it. THO lives near and I love her, but she is my mom. Almost everyone I know has a family, that is what I want. Should I not have that because of the absence of a man? No. I could wait forever, should that mean that I shouldn't love a child? Should that mean that I can't have at least some of the life I want? She said she sees my point but that she also has one. Ultimately, I am the only person that can decide this, and this is what I want. I am tired of waiting for someone to act right or get their shit together or turn out to be someone I was not expecting. I am ready to move on with my life and this is the direction I'd like it to go in.

Life, at least momentarily, is very good. I took two CLEP tests yesterday in subjects that I have never, ever taken in life and passed. Woo Hoo! That means I have gained an additional 6 credits without taking a class, without spending thousands of dollars on a class and that in itself is very exciting. I had an interview with a school in my neighborhood, they told me they would let me know by this afternoon but, I have yet to hear from them. Still haven't given Sam a haircut and he looks an ever living mess. Sebastian caught two mice this week which by far has been one of the grossest experiences of my life. Mind you, I have NEVER had mice, now for two of them to be caught in one week. Ewwwww! My cousin T (the pregnant one) doesn't live very far from me. I spoke to her this morning (she and the baby are doing very well) and she says that she and her husband caught four mice in the past two weeks. Not sure what's going on in this neighborhood but glad to know I am not the only one.

I spoke to my social worker today and I have to say I am quite happy. They will be conducting my homestudy soon and she says she will connect me to the infant department. She spoke of a few unborn children that she knows of, as well as a few babies that were born recently. I am very excited, I could have a baby sooner than I thought. Though, that would mean I'd have to move double time on the nursery thing. But, I guess that would be a small price to pay. I'm going to make cheese burgers and fries for dinner though I know it isn't good for me but huh, not many things in life are good for me.

Uggh, New Blog, Sort of

I thought I was losing weight, but today I put on this dress I haven't worn in a while and good lord why did I do that?! I looked SOOOOOOOOOO horrible in it. Boy, I'm angry at myself.

So, bright and early this morning, M.D. (show I think I'll call Really Nice Church Guy from now on) called me and "invited" me to go to this city wide teacher's union meeting that was supposed to be going on in Manhattan. It was a bit confusing, I told him I MIGHT go, but decided at the last minute not to. There was going to be discussion about the Teacher Retirement System and the UFT (United Federation of Teachers) president was going to be there, as well as the school chancellor. Can anyone say BFD? I thought I would be bored, plus, I ran my mouth on the telephone for like an hour and a half after he called with my cousin T (Lovely) discussing what he meant by "invinting" me to such a thing so, I would have been super late anyway. Lovely is convinced he really likes me and wants to date me, she points out the fact that he went out of his way during our classes to hang out with me and went to lunch with me last week. I pointed out the fact that he "invited" to a fucking UFT meeting! and hasn't asked me out since. She tells me maybe he is just shy and that every man is "out there" I told her I have never come across a shy man. To top things off, he mentions a concert that will be going on on Wednesday night, but doesn't ask if I'd like to go, he tells me, letting you know in case YOU wanted to go. I think I'm in the friend zone. I'm not bummed about it, just kind of weird I guess. I told Lovely I think he's just being a really nice church guy. It isn't that he likes me, he just wants to be kind to me. She states, is he nice to all of the women like that? Why does he take a special interest in you? Hard to explain. Maybe he just thinks I'm nice or something, whatever. It's cool.

So, this guy who has been a friend of mine for like 6 years, and during that entire time has been in a relationship sent me this e mail yesterday:

We finally broke up. Call me when you get a chance 347- xxx- 1743, I can't wait to talk to you. I miss you.

Wow. I haven't spoken to him in like a year or so. When last we spoke, he told me, I wish you and I could have gotten together, then he laughed. I swore he was joking, it wasn't as though he were seriously talking about us being together. That was a bit weird.

Going to get my attempted 5 miles (more like 1.5) in before it gets too hot.