Ahhhh....

Heaven is:

getting home early from work
a large cup of hot chocolate and
a glazed donut from Dunkin Donuts.

For the past few days or so, I've been feeling sort of bleh.

I have to be to work in less than two hours but I'm sitting here in my robe writing this. Maybe it's because the end of the year is near but, I've just been kind of wallowing in my own shit. It's like for whatever reason, old hurts have been coming up and I don't like it at all. I don't like to dwell on stuff, especially old stuff but this isn't my doing, it just comes up and then it's there. Last night, I cried before falling asleep. Actually, I was kind of teary eyed all day. One of the kids I service gave me a huge hug yesterday and said I was the best teacher (all adults who deal with kids within schools are considered teachers in the kids eyes, even if the adult isn't really a teacher) he ever had. That made me cry. When coming home, I thought about a little girl I had to refer to additional services because her family is going through evictions proceedings, (something I've done many times) and that made me cry. Then last night, I took a shower, put on my night gown, flipped Sam into bed (I do that everynight and he loves it) and just the fact that I was going to bed alone again got to me. That made me cry. Believe me, I'm not the lonely type but, it just gets a bit frustratign sometimes, I'm not sure if its because I'm single or because life as I know it hasn't turned out to be ANYTHING like I planned it our hoped it would be.

I know that I would rather be by myself than put up with the dumb shit that I've come acorss in recent years, believe me. I know that I'm not down on myself for "being single" because that too isn't the case. I honestly think it is just that I am TIRED of the bullshit that I constantly come across. I am TIRED of always feeling as though I am being treated in some disgusting or unfit way especially since I know I am not deseerving of such foolishness. As I get older, I don't want to miss out on the chance to have baby. I know that it was something I was going to go at alone last year and so I think, now without the tumor or fear of not being able to have a child, is that something I would once again consider? I've even on a few occassions considered dating outside of my race though that isn't something I feel too keen about. I'm not sure exactly what it is I am feeling. I'm not sure if I could put my finger on it directly but what ever it is, I'm feeling it hard.








All the year long, my family has brought up the fact that we would have dinner at my brother's house for Thanksgiving and then Christmas dinner at my house. Fine. Last night I went to see The Heavenly One and she goes, "So, we're going to your brother's house on Christmas, I told you, right?" Uh, no. When did the plans change? "Oh," she tells me, "we figured you wouldn't want to do all of that cooking since you started your new job and what not." Oh, so, you all figured what you think I might want to do? Uh huh. Is that correct?

Mind you, Christmas is on a Monday so, it isn't as though I'll have to come directly home and cook dinner. I have two days to prepare and more than likely, I'll be leaving early on Friday evening so... I found it so rude, weird, strange, not cute that they would make a decision like that. Without telling me, without saying anything, without asking me. So, I'm going to stay home and make a small dinner for myself and lay in bed with Sam to watch movies. Childish? Yes. But, I'm kind of pissed off and I don't feel like being bothered anyway in the mood I am in.

So for the few of this who read this. Merry Christmas. I hope yours will be better than mine.

So...

I have been sort of busy. I'm loving my new job as I don't have lesson plans and don't have to grade papers (yay!) so when I am home, I have a lot of time to do whatever it is I want to do. What I don't like about my new job? The hours. I'm working 10-6 and I'm accustomed to working 8-3 so there is a big difference in my evenings. I get home around 7, I don't feel like cooking because it feels super late to me, I've been eating take out. (I know, I know) I play with Sam for a bit, then I'm sleepy. I have to get used to these hours.

So, both of those guys, the shiftless one and the "new" guy are out. The shiftless guy because, well, he's shiftless and the new guy just because something doesn't seem right. I can't quite put my finger on it but, my gut tells me something is wrong so I told him I think we are very different and we should just remain friends, nothing else. Since we weren't friends to begin with, I doubt we will become friends.

This week, I was crazy busy, I had two meetings for work but Friday was sooooo slow I sneaked out and was home before 6, (for shame). I am in the process of putting together my new kitchen. I am not sure for certain what the end result will be but, I'm going to buy a few things at a time and I guess create a mish mash of favorites. So far, I've bought a steel bread box and canister set from the '40s that I really like. I hae my eye on a 50's mixmaster blender, and I'm debating whether I should get a 50's toaster oven or a 40's toaster, I may just get both. In addition to this stuff, it is time for me to get a new bed, coffee tale, and computer table, the stuff I have now are things I've had since college and it just isn't cutting it anymore. Old me and new me don't like the same things plus, old me was a lot poorer than I am now so many of my old items are just plain cheap.

For the past few days, my feet were swollen. It was so weird because this is something I've never experienced before. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I sit a lot now versus when I walked around all day when I was teaching. I get up, walk around but, most of my work requires that I sit at a computer so, it is a bit difficult for me to walk around and get things done. I had to wear some horrible old lady shoes I just happened to have in my closet (for days when I would take my classes on trips) because my regular shoes weren't fitting or hurt too much to wear.

Today, I have a busy day ahead of me again. So far, I've watched a movie while giving myself a MUCH needed pedicure, washed two loads of clothes, had a scrummy but fat laden breakfast. Took Sam for a walk and I still have to clean my house, clean my bathrooms, and I want to get started on a dress that I've put off for the past few weeks. In addition to all of this stuff, I'm REALLY REALLY sleepy. So, I'm off to do those things.

I HATE MySpace!

I logged onto my MySpace page to check messages and such and the dirty little page put the blaring phrase 29 years old in my face! The dirty little bugger. Here I was going along in my misguided glory, under the pretense that I am still young and I had to go and see that crap. Stupid MySpace!



Anyhoo, my new job has been pretty good thus far. Though I have to travel a bit more, it only takes me an hour (even with my slow fat girl in heels walking on raggedy city streets walk) and, I have my own office! So, my day mostly consists of sitting at the desk, organizing, typing, sending emails and I meet with students for like less than two hours a day. No lesson plans, no grading homework, no spending 6 hours on Sunday preparing for the next week and a bigger pay check. YAY! I even have to be to work later but, my body hasn't realized that yet and still awakens between 5:45 and 6:15 in the morning depending on how it feels. I have a meeting today so, I don't even have to go into work until like 11:30, tell me that doesn't kick ass!


My birthday was pretty boring this year but, I expected it to be. I didn't do anything though everyone who even looked in my direction offered to take me somewhere or do something. I was perfectly content at home. I totally had the complete intention of sewing this dress I was supposed to wear yesterday but of course, I didn't do that. I DID cook a killer meal and an unbelievable (if I do say so myself) chocolate cake which was my dinner last night (I know, I know).

I gave Sam a super haircut the other day. His hair was just starting to look shaggy. I LOVE when his hair is long but, it requires so much more maintainence and I'm just way too lazy to try and keep it up so, he's sporting his super short, Billy Idol type hair again.

There is this crazy big fly in my house, I'm looking at it right now across the room as he sits on my lampshade taunting me. I was sitting at my computer table last night and he flew right at me, scared the crap out of me. I want to kill it but. I kind of think its wrong unless he does something to me and, I'm kind of grossed out by the though of doing so.

I met a new guy (always a new guy). Who seems kind of nice (as they always do). The old guy, (the shiftless one) just wasn't cutting it with me. I just think there is something innatley (sp?) wrong with a man who doesn't want to do anything with his life. Especially a man who claims to want a family and children. It's just wrong. I know that in good faith, I could not date a man like that because, I wouldn't have any respect for him. I'd herb him and that would bring all sorts of problems on its own anyway.

I have to go find something to wear, I'm out.

I have been home

for the past few days getting ready for my new position next week. I cleaned out my classroon, hauled all of my teacher junk (who knew I had so much?) home and for the past few days have been sewing, sewing, sewing and cooking. I made the most amazing dress from a rereleased pattern from 1952, beautiful. Then I made the most horrible mess of another rereleased pattern. Ugh! I hate when I do things like that, it's like I'm wasting loads of fabric for no reason. First, the dress was too big, then the skirt was too long then I cut the skirt too shirt then when I finally got it to fit correctly, the bodice of the dress just got all saggy and weird. It actually was a better dress when it was bigger, just too big to wear. So, I sit here now, not really knowing whether I should try to salvage the dress or call it quits and start on something new.

Over the past few days, I've been liking this new guy I've been psudeo dating less and less. It's like, he doesn't have the greatest job and he seems content with that. He is older than me by a few years and lives with his family but, that seems okay to him. He proudly announced the other day, "I couldn't afford to live on my own if I wanted to". So a) he can't afford to live alone and doesn't seem to mind b) "if he wanted to" does this mean he doesn't want to? When I first met him, I was under the impression he was living with family because he lost his job, was saving for school and this is just what happened. I was unemployed for a bit so I can't be angry at someone who finds themselves in that position but, to just accept that and not want to advance? That's something I just can't deal with.

I mentioned the other day that I will probably redo my kitchen. Nothing hugely big, just some new appliances, a new coat of paint some cute vintage items I've found. He announces, "oh, I can't wait, I love to cook but can't do it here (his house) because I don't have the tools". Eh? nigga what? Does he think he's going to be in my house cooking? Not up in here he won't. Then, he was trying to invite himself for Thanksgiving dinner next week. I mean, we ain't like that where he can break bread with my family. I don't know, it's time to let this one go.

I've been shopping lately because despite my tiny weight loss, I'm still fat as hell and (eek!) either my winter coats are tight in the ass (always the ass) or, I just don't like them anymore, no longer my style. So, I bought four wonderful coats which I LOVE, but unfortunately its been too warm in the city to wear. I bought two of the greatest shoes I have ever purchased in my life! First, I FINALLY found a pair of cute navy shoes, I've NEVER had navy shoes because either they were not the right color or ugly or whatever but I found a great pair of suede navy 40s style wedgies, so cute and so comfy and they fit my little fat feet. I also got a pair of red red peep toe 50s pumps which should clicl oooo la la when I walk. I LOVE THESE SHOES! CUTE, CUTE, CUTE. I bought a great pair of leather vintage gloves the other day, never worn and they match my shoes perfectly. I got this navy polka dot vintage dress from 1946, in near perfect condition that fits me beautifully. And, I got this black and white wrap dress from the mid '50s, that's slightly too big but I can easily take in, also very cute. I bought a modern reproduction bed jacket that I have wearing everynight to bed and it is sooooo comfy, I have no idea how I ever slept without one before. And finally, I bought some new fabric and a few reproduction patterns.

My birthday is coming up in 11 days. I'm turning the big 2-9, one year away from being really really grown. I don't really have any plans for my b-day, probably just take myself shopping, bake myself a cake and hang out. Off to have coffee with The Heavenly One now.

Grrrrrrrrr

I am so upset right now. I was just hired for a new position on Friday, I agreed to take it and notified my school, I am home now taking off days I will lose in transitioning to the new job. Anyway, the woman I did my final interview with last week asked me, "Are you entertaining any other offers? We'd like you to start within two weeks." She then offered me the job, I accepted. Today, I'm chillin' at home 'cause it's raining something awful out and I'm not going anywhere. I get a phone call asking me to come in for a "third interview" this coming Friday. WTF!? THIRD interview? Um, I have an offer of employment, I'm supposed to come in next week to do the W2, 401K transfer, all that good crap. On top of this, I was asked to bring in my graduate school transcripts. Now, I am lisenced. In order to be lisenced, one must have proof of completing gradute school and must have a minimum of 3.2 in all classes and 3.0 cumulative. If I have this lisence then that means, guess what? I've done all of those things. I'm slightly upset because at this moment, I feel as though games are being played with me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I reading more into the situation than need be?

I SURPASS the requirements for this position. The criteria was a BA or BS, 2 or more years experience working with children, preferably in a school environment. Familiarity with NYS social studies standards and compatibility with children. After the initial interview I was asked to provide 3 references. Now, I have 6+ years working with children as an educator. I have not one, but TWO Masters, I've started and run my own afterschool program, I provided reports, letters from parents and the outline of my program as well as it's charted prgress throughout all three school years I ran it. I am well versed in ALL NYS standards for elementary K-6. I provided FIVE references which all checked out and were impeccable. I provided evaluations of lessons, my overal teacher evaluations, results from my student's test scores (which were all significantly higher AFTER being with me for a school year). And dare I say, I'm pretty darn charismatic as noted by both interviewers. SO, WTF gives?! I'm not sure but, I'm none too happy about this. Not in the least. So, I'll go to their crappy third interview (!). But something tells me I'm having to fill the Black requirements. :(

So......

I've been offered a new job! 10,000 more, an office and no classroom duty. YEAH!!!!!

I'm very excited and will begin my new position in about 2 weeks, such excitement!

I was up soooooo early this morning as my poor little Sam had a hard time "relieving himself". He usually "goes" about twice a day, yesterday I had Mexican food (didn't feel like cooking) and I made the AWFUL mistake of letting him have some. Why oh why did I do that? First, I though it was all good because he didn't have any awful Sam gas but early this morning he jumped off the bed and went to the laundry room where he has a puppy pad on which to do his "business" on the days he may have to go in the house. He normally doesn't "go" in the house but we all have our off days right? So, I am always prepared. Anyway, he was gone for a LOOOONG time so I called him just to make sure he was okay. Finally, I got up and went to see if things were okay and he was in the back sitting room kind of hunched over in the weird position then NOTHING prepared me for the grossest thing I have seen for a long time. Not to get very graphic but the biggest, thickest, blackest turd was just stuck you know, half way out of him. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! So, I stripped down because I didn't want ANY of that getting on my night clothes and hosed him down in the tub. What an ordeal. He was very appreciative as once he was clean he showered me with puppy kisses the likes of which I have never seen before. This afternoon, I will be taking him to the groomers for some serious booty hair grooming. EWWWWWW!!!!


So, last night I had another date with The Guy. He's really very sweet. Very smart. Very much a gentleman. I was kind of eh, over him before but, I think I may be able to dig him.....eventually. What I find cool about him is that we seem so far to have the same goals in life. He understands the path I'm on at this point in my life and we seem to want the same things. On another note, someone that I haven't spoken to in quite some time but who I really dug, this cat I'll call S called me the other day and we've spoken again a few times. I'm looking foward to seeing where things may progress with him.

Well I'm off to work.

November 1 -

Today is Sam's birthday. My baby stinky boy is four years old today. Happy Birthday Sam! (even though he can't read and never goes on the internet, you know, because he's a dog).

So.....

Weird thing happened this weekend. My sister told me she was envious of me! I really didn't know where that came from so I kind of was like, "oh, okay". She tells me that she and my older sister and brother were kind of jealous because I had more time with my dad and because I had education and advantages they felt they didn't have. Also, she tells me that I seem to really have my life together and that makes them upset. So, what do I say to this? I didn't say anything but then I had to think. My dad had my three older brother and sisters when he was in his mid 20's and had me when he was in his mid 50's. When I came along, he was a lot more comfortable in life. He didn't have to struggle to make ends meet, he had reached many of his financial goals so, he had more time to spend with family. I have no control over that. My dad also sent my older brother and sisters to school but, my oldest sister decided to have a baby, drop out of school, smoke weed and drink liquor. My other sister decided to have two babies and spend time with men who stole from her and beat her ass. My oldest brother decided to drop out of school and take the money my father sent for tuition in order to fund his weed habit and not work. I decided not to do any of those things. So, where does that leave me? I'm not sure if I should continue talking to her/them as I feel kind of weird about the entire situation.

So, I've been dating this guy for about the past month. Previous to actually going out, we've spoken on the phone for like two months. He's okay, we've been taking things very, very, very slow as I nor my heart are in any position to go through the crap I've gone through in the past.

All has been great on the shopping front. I've picked up some great vintage dresses in my size or bigger (altered to fit me of course). I even sewed my first coat! A very nice vintage style swing coat. It came out really well and of course I look super cute in it. With the left over material I made Sam a cute doggie coat.

Thanksgiving will be held at my house this year and I have to assemble a menu and cook for like 10 people. Not a problem but a task. Not much any than any of those things. Life is regular.

Yay!!!!!

So, I haven't intentionally been trying to lose weight any more, something about giving up and it being to hard but, I have been wearing a pedometer and trying to get over 10,000 steps a day clocked on it and, I have been making myself do power yoga again.

So, tonight, I'm putting together an outfit for tomorrow. It's kind of chilly in the city and with chilliness is time to change the wardrobe. Anyway, I decided I would try on, just for kicks a dress I haven't worn in a LONG time just because. The last time I tried this dress on, sometime lasdt year, I literally boo hooed my eyes out for like an hour. Well, tonight, I try on the dress and, not only does it fit, but, it's slightly too big. YAY! I'm so excited! So, I'm totally going to wear it tomorrow because you know, I'm hot like that son.

So, maybe I'll try this route, the don't obsess over food/weight and just walk and do yoga route. Though I'd like to throw in a little weight training of some sort because my tummy still isn't its cute flat self and I'm a little jiggly all over. One thing at a time I guess.

Eeek! Haven't posted for a while but obviously, haven't been missed. I sprained my hand so, couldn't type much. Went on a date last Sunday. Eh. The guy is nice and smart but, he's in his thirties and doesn't really have himself together. He doesnt' have any children, but, he lives with his mom and sister and her kids and he doesn't have the greatest job. I'm not a gold digger, not in the least, I have my own job, home, etc. but, I can't really see myself being serious with someone who isn't able to care for himself financially. So, we've only spoken twice since the date anyway, I don't much see it going anywhere. I've been interviewing with this school in the Bronx who is looking for and Instructional Supervisor. Good thing about this: substantial raise, :). Bad part about this: over an hour and a half in travel time. :( I haven't officially been offered the job as of yet but, I'm not sure if I'd be able to take it considering how far away it is.

Other than that, there hasn't been a whole lot going on. Tomorrow, I will be going to lunch with some friends, coming back home then out to a swing dance. I made a great crinoline to wear inder my favorite circle skirt and if its cool out, I'll finally be able to wear my new swing coat and kid skin gloves. I'm off on Monday :) so, I'll probably find something to do Sunday night.

creepies and crawlies

Today was such a weird day. I washed clothes over the weekend but of course did not fold them so today after work, that was my mission. I dried my towels on the line, as I normally do until it gets cold and today when folding the towels, I felt something on my neck. Automatically assuming it was my hair, I though nothing of it but, I kept feeling it slide slowly across my neck. I hit at myself and low and behold, the biggest spider I have ever seen fell off of me and into my laundry basket. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! I was so skeeved out. This thing was no ordinary daddy long legs, it was a big fat huge thing somewhat like this:



it was the grossest thing ever. So, after screaming my heart out, scary my dog and neighbors, I decided to have a seat. I made the most wonderful meal yesterday so, I decided to heat that up and The Heavenly One came over for dinner (dinner posted in new dinner blog!) anyway, so we ate, and I recounted my awful story with the spider of death when my mom asked if I had her percolator. I went into a closet which I never, ever, ever, ever, ever use because that is where her coffee machine was. So, I open the door, running my mouth and out flies moths of every size, color and shape. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! I almost died. It was the grossest thing ever. So, my mom goes, "Wow, you NEVER go in there, uh?" So, here I am, smashing moths, spraying the air with lysol because I couldn't find any bug spray and trying my darndest to get rid of these things. My mom then says, "if all of those things are flying around like that they probably have nested in that closet". EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! So, I put on a pair of gloves, wrap up my hair and start throwing things in the closet away. Mostly, there were some ceramic figurines people have given me for Christmas and birthdays, things I don't like at all. I few aprons which I never wear because I've made more than a few that I like and some other odds and ends which I never use. So, I'm throwing things away when, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! not only are there moths and dead moths in this closet, there are larvae of the moths. How does something like this go on in the house and I not know it? I have no idea. I've seen a moth or two in the house but, I also keep my backyard door open when I am downstairs so, I figure they came in from outside. So, these little things were wiggling around and being gross and I would not sleep until, I a) vacuumed everything and threw away the vaccuum bag b) threw everything from the closet away c) drenched my closet in bug spray d) drenched my closet in bleach e) scrubbed every surface in my house until my shoulders, wrists and fingertips ached f) checked every corner of my house with my high beam flashlight to make sure no creepy crawlies were hanging around in my house g) made random "pop up" looks at random things to make sure no creepy crawlies were around h) sprayed outside garbage can liberally with bug spray so that I can make sure those little suckers are dead i) scrub my body until my skin turned red. So, that was my harrowing, scary day.

Reason numebr 2 why I need a boyfriend: someone other than me needs to be the killer of the creepy crawly things I sometimes come into contact with.

So...

School starts tomorrow. I really, really, really, really don't want to go. I'm worse than the kids, argggh! I've been enjoying my time at home too much. Fall is coming quickly as it's been quite chilly here in NY the past few days and, I still haven't finished my summer sewing. What a scandal! I'm already looking at new fall fabrics so that I can make a few items before the year is over. I really want to make a coat but truthfully, I don't know if my skills are up to par as of yet.

I met a guy a while back and he and I have been speaking a lot lately. He told me that he worked in retail but didn't give specifics and since we were going through the motions of getting to know one another, I just let it go. Today, I found out he is a stock guy. He's 34 years old. I think he is very sweet and very nice but truthfully, I really can't see myself involved with someone that does this for a living. Is this a bad way of thinking? I don't need the person I want to be with to be a millionaire but, I make a decent salary. When I finally finish this masters, I'll make an even better salary. I want to live a certain lifestyle, I want to be able to send my children to private school. I want to stay home with my children for a while when I have them. I can't do that with someone who is barely making any money. Then, it makes me think, what has he been doing with his life up to this point? Did he not prepare himself for the future? He's a very bright person, that is certain but, didn't he want to do something with his life? Does he intend on staying a stock boy? He's nearly 40! I don't know. I don't want to be rude to him and I don't want him to think that I think ill of him but, this really isn't something that I think I can get involved with further.

I have to go to bed now because I have to go to work in the morning. :''(

Tea Party Pics

These aren't all of the pictures, my cousin has a few on her camera too.

You know, I have to say that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy. I know that I have LOTS to be happy about. I am healthy, I have a home, I have a loving and wonderful family, I have great friends but many times, I allow other things to interfere with these thoughts or my appreciation of them. For a while, I have felt okay. I am pleased to feel this way, it is a great feeling.

I had my tea party tody and though the chance of rain forced me to hold it indoors, it was a splendid day and we all had a great time. Reason #1 why I need a boyfriend or a very close male friend: Picture me, 10 o'clock in the morning pushing a room full of furniture including two 6 foot sofas onto their sides, down a hall and up in the air as to make room in my downstairs living room for 12 women and two tables worth of food! I did this ALL BY MYSELF! First off, I didn't think I had the strength to do such things so, GO ME! Second, I'm REALLY healthy for a fat girl. I did all of this and I mean I was literally lifting these couches, and barely broke a sweat, it was a lot of work but, it didn't take much effort, and my lazy ass doesn't want to go to the gym. I will post pics but for the moment, my camera is downstairs and truthfully, I'm too lazy to go get it.

I've been doing family research and I have found my great, great, great, great grandmother! It is so amazing the research that can be done and the uncovering no matter how slight of a past that I knew absolutely nothing about. Lately, I have beeb reflecting on life. On the memory of my daddy especially and of how much, though I never realized before, how much I miss him. Honestly, there are few things in my life that I regret, if any but, I do regret or maybe a better description would be that I am sorry that I never had the chance to relate to my dad as an adult. I miss him. As I speak with my mom now, especially realizing the way that she and I relate as mother and daughter/friends, (since our relationship has changed drastically from the days when I actually needed mothering) I miss the relationship that my daddy and I would have had at this stage in my life. There are so many things that I want to ask him. There are stories that I want him to tell me. Right now, I am sitting in the very room in which he died and I so much want to even if just for a day, be in his presence because I never got that chance with him. He was always just Daddy, I never saw him as the man that he was. I only ever saw him as my dad. I have started writing a book, that I hope will become an heirloom (if that is the right word). It is filled so far with my family history, as far as I have traced it as well as memories, stories of my granparents, stories told to me by my dad, mom, aunts and uncles. I honestly don't quite understand the introspective/historic thing I've been going through lately but, I think it may have a lot to do with my mood. Overall, I honestly haven't felt this good in a very long time.

School starts again soon and, I may have an out of classroom postion, Yay!! I'm not going to talk much about it yet since it's still a bit up in the air.

I'm sooooo sleepy right now, I've been up since early this morning and have done a lot so, I'm out.

I'm Lazeeeeeee!

For the past two days, I have done absolutle nothing. Today, I woke up, took a shower washed my face and brushed my teeth. It was raining so Sam and I didn't go for a walk but even after it cleared up later, we still didn't go out. I let him "go" in the backyard and I sat in front of the computer all day looking at You Tube and playing on eBay. Lost the vintage swing coat :( But, got a great set of vintage napkins, a GREAT vintage tea set yay! And some tea themed cookie cutters. Other than that, I did absolutely nothing, didn't clean, didn't wash a load of clothes, I didn't even style my hair. I put on a house dress and that was about it.

This weekend, I ran hard. On Saturday, I was all over the city, walking, shopping, dropping by street fairs. I went with my cousin to a party. On Sunday, I took Sam to a puppy play date, where he had a ball barking at and chasing other dogs then afterward, I went to an outdoor swing concert though I didn't dance with anyone because I had Sam. So, I guess I'm exhausted from my weekend but more than likely, I'm just lazy, with a capital L.

I'm giving a formal tea in two weeks, hence me buying a tea set and vintage napkins. I want it to be a really nice event as it is the first one I am giving. I wanted to do a pink and white theme but, the tea set that I got, a complete set from the '50s, service for 12! is blue so, that kind of changes things. The good thing: my dessert plates have blue in them. The bad thing: I already bought a table cloth so, I'll be taking that back in search of a more appropriate color. I went to a chocolatier and she is making chocolate covered oreos for me which will bear the name of each of my guests, she is also making chocolate tea pots which hold inside of them, chocolate tea cups and a chocolate tea bag. The teapot/cup combination is decorated so it looks just like a teapot, you wouldn't know it was chocolate unless someone told. Very cute. I also bought some tea themed cookie cutters which I will be using to make sugar cookies and make tea sandwiches and, I'm going to make a teapot shaped cake. Very cool. I'll post pictures of the event afterwards.

School starts again soon. :( I've been having a very good time not working, I really don't want to go back.

In addition to being lazy these past two days, I've been greedy too.

Yesterday, I ate fruit all day then for dinner, I ordered some chinese food and slumped over to THO's house where I ate an ice cream cone. Then today, in a bid to make up for yesterday I ate fruit and veggies for breakfast lunch and dinner (and a small piece of chicken) but just ate a bunch of cookies that I found in the back of my closet (yes, I was searching for snacks), not cool.

I started some light waist training today. Waist Training Info I bought a corset a while ago but, I didn't really want to do it. I'm not looking to do any extreme waist modification. I'm a big girl, I know this so I'm hoping to get six inches off of my waist in the next few months, nothing too big. I thought wearing the corset would be uncomfortable but, other than sitting really straight, nothing out of the ordinary. Actually, when I took it off for the night, I kind of wanted to put it back on. I did 3 hours today, tomorrow I'll do three and a half or four. I'm very sleepy and I have letters to write to my penpals send off tomorrow.

Egads!!

There was once a time when a vintage loving fat girl could get some decent vintage clothes for a very nice price. NOT NOW! Who knows what the hell is going on! It's like every fat girl in America has decided that they too need to wear or at least buy vintage clothing particularly my beloved era, the 40's to the 50's. What's going on? I'm very unhappy about it to say the least. The other day, I saw a GREAT vintage peignor set from the early 50's, the auction was ending in a bit so, I bid up to 50 bucks and Sam and I went for a walk. Back in the day, I would be able to snag something like this for like 10 dollars tops so, 50 is really stretching it. I come back, all ready to pay for my item and await my wonderful new gown in the mail when low and behold, not only did I NOT win the auction, the damn thing sold for 150 bucks!!! I just couldn't believe it. It's nuts. Today, I decided to scan ebay, just to see what's being offered and there is a plethora of goodies awaiting my bid, yay! A great, black satin swing coat from 1945 (yummmmm), a BEAUTIFUL dress from the early '40s and a wonderful evening dress from the mid 50's. Here it is, 7 SEVEN days left in the auction and some ridiculous b-----s have already bid these items up over 40 bucks! The '40s dress had 13 bids! What's wrong with these people? The auction has 7 SEVEN days left! Why are they bidding AT ALL? I hate them.

On a better side, I did buy a great '50s silk circle skirt for four dollars and I got that great bag over the weekend for 5. But still, I want that satin coat and I don't want to pay 400 dollars for it.

Eaten Today
Today, I was very hungry

Breakfast
mixed fruit - half a peach, couple of cubes of honey dew melon and some pineapple chunks then, 1 cup of oatmeal with pat of butter, handful of walnuts and brown sugar (yummmmm)

Lunch
Grilled cheese with turkey and a bit of mayo glass of homemade iced tea, watered down

Dinner
half a can of pineapple chunks in natural juice, 6 whole wheat crackers with a bit of peanut butter and two glasses of watered down homemade iced tea

I have an interview in the morning. This one is with a school in the Bronx and it will be raining :( not looking forward to that at all. Hung out with my cousin T and her friend J yesterday. It was a very nice day, not at all hot and muggy like it's been lately. We had a good time and I bought some really great items. Picked up a new purse, bracelet, necklace and some hair accessories for less than 10 bucks from a vintage store, very good buys. Since we didn't have a definite plan, we wound up walking from 59th street and 8th avenue to 6th street and 2nd avenue, we had some Indian food, and then walked from 6th street and 2nd to 14th and 8th. I did all of this in flip flops (like an idiot) and so now, my legs are so sore. I don't know how I'm going to get my fat ass up to the Bronx tomorrow but, I have to so...

I went to my family reunion last week in Virginia Beach and I actually had a really good time. I met a bunch of folk I had never met before and they were so educated and talented, so nice to have met them. I'm supposed to be building a family website which I have started and completed some of and, I'm now the newest family historian. It's a very important job and I look forward to it. Other than that, not a whole lot has been going on. My cousin T convinced me to try internet dating again, which I did so I have been meeting a lot of guys that way but, nothing has come out of any of it. A lot of exchanging email, a few phone conversations, not much else than that.

I thought I lost 7 pounds but, when I got on the scale today, I hadn't lost any weight. I haven't gained any either but, I haven't been doing anything that would make me gain weight. My doctor mentioned weight loss surgery to me as an option before and that really isn't something I think I want to do. I'm very healthy, my thyroid doesn't work well but other than that, I don't have any issues, my blood pressure is fine, my bones or joints don't hurt, I don't have any weight related issues, I'm just fat. My stupid tumor even shrunk (yay!) The thing is, I've been fat all of my life and though I'm not totally happy with my body at this size, I love myself. I love my body though it's bigger than it's ever been, I still look cute, I'm just bigger and softer than I normally am. Truthfully, I"m not entirely sure what's going on. I don't eat, I don't lose weight, I eat a bunch of food, nothing really big happens, it's like I"m destined to be fat or something. I walked around 5 miles total yesterday and I was fine during that, I carried on conversation during my walk, it wasn't a leisurly stroll either, so, I'm capable of that. I still practice yoga, not as often as I used to but, I'm okay doing that, I should exercise more but, no one I know exercises as much as they should so it's not like I'm being COMPLETELY slovenly. I'm just regular folk lazy. I don't want to consider surgery as a tool because I just don't want to invite misery into my life where there is none. People who have had this surgery have had ALL kinds of problems and like I said, right now, I hae none, but at the same time, I don't want to be THIS fat. But, I don't want to be thin either, that isn't what I'm supposed to be and I'm okay with that, I think being back in my size 18 is good enough for me, that is where I feel most comfortable. What else should I do? I'm not sure. I've taken the advice of many and added some other foods to my eating but even that, I only do about twice or three times a week. I've taken to drinking iced tea so my body doesn't think I'm starving it and, I'm walking more. I want to get to about 15,000 steps a day. I'm going to give it another month and if I haven't lost anything by then, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Eaten today:

Breakfast:
Mixed fruit (3 strawberries, half a peach a few slices of pineapple a few grapes)

Lunch:
Grilled cheese sandwiches (2, I was being greedy)

Dinner:
ate with The Heavenly One:
white rice(about 1/2 cup), spinach with garlic and 2 beef ribs

throughout day (2 cups of iced tea, maybe 3)


Eaten yesterday:

Breakfast:
iced tea

Lunch:
water, water, and more water (during the walking)

Dinner:
tandoori chicken, shrimp and beef cubes (left about half on the plate) three spoonfuls of rice, one beef samosa, about 1/4 piece of garlic naan, 3/4 small coconut custard, 1 can of sprite and when I came home, 6 cookies
(I was very greedy yesterday)

Boop

What's boop? I have no idea, it just came to mind when I wrote it.

So, I'm really looking for another job. If I don't find one, I'll go back to my job of course but, I'm looking, a lot. I would love to just get up and leave NY but admittedly, I'm scared, correction, I'm terrified. Where would I go? What would I do once I got there?

So, I'm officially bored. I havent' been doing much this summer. Went to see the El Greco show at the Met. I need some new hang out partners. Most of the girls I used to hang with are married or coupled up, the others, we just don't have a whole lot in common anymore. I've been shopping a lot. Found a great vintage coat, almost brand new for about a hundred bucks. Got a great day dress, brand new from 1939, it's gorgeous, got two clutch bags from the mid '40s, also very nice and, I got a great dress and jacket set from the mid '40s, on the cheap also brand new! I found another vintage store not too far from my house so, I'm going to step over there within the week, see what's going on.

I was talking to that guy I met at the swing dance last week and in the middle of our conversation, he told me that I had the kind of voice that turned him on. He then asked if I would be offended if he masturbated while I was on the phone with him. Needless to say, I hung up. I told my cousin T who SWORE I was lying. She just can't believe that I meet guys like this but, it's the God's honest truth. It's just, weird, he seemed like a really nice person, I just can't see myself asking someone something like this. The thing is, I'm not sexually forward like that. I mean, I'm no prude, believe me but, when I first meet a person, I'm not overtly sexual, I'm not sure what it is. I really think it has to do with me being a fat woman. I mean, I've always been fat but, I've gained weight within the last year so, I'm more fat than I normally am. I think men must think that fatter women are whores, I don't know. So, I've decided to not date again for a while. I don't know. I know who I am and I don't want someone treating me in such a way. I'm a good person, I'm a good woman. I'm not looking for perfection, but why is it so difficult to find someone decent?

Eaten Today

Breakfast:
banana and 8 strawberries

Lunch:
bowl of mixed fruit

Snack:
glass of milk and 6 cookies which I needed like a whole in the head

Dinner:
8 strawberries, handful of blueberries, 1 banana and 1 large peach

Still Trucking Along

This whole not having anything to do thing is bad for me. I haven't done anything! I am by far one of the laziest people I know, it's sick. My house looks UBER terrible becasue I haven't cleaned it. Other than washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, my entire house has gone to pot. I've been sewing and managed to finish a couple of dresses. I haven't done any museum hopping, no matinees have been seen. I've just been taking walks with Sam and working in the garden. Nothing a whole lot more than that.

However, I did go to that swing club last week. It was pretty cool. I met a really nice guy there. (but, they're all nice in the beginning so I'm not sweating it). We exchanged numbers and have spoken a few times simce last week. He's suggested our going out but I told him I think we should talk a little more, just to see where our heads are.

Other than that, I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. I sent in a few resumes just to test the waters a bit and so, I have three interviews next week, all for education director or coordinator positions so, I'll see. I've been told that this coming year, almost all of the classrooms in my school will be blended classes, and taught by two teachers - YIKES! Not really my thing. Personally, I don't think this is the move schools should be making. Everyone is concerned about special needs children feeling normal and learning to work in a "normal" environment but, I feel, what about the general education students? Isn't it bad enough there are 34 children in a class? Now, there are going to be 10 - 12 special education students in the classroom, disrupting, causing a scene? Not that ALL special education children do this of course, but, some of them do. Is it fair to children who are on level or slightly below level to have to be in the classroom with children who are going to need extra attention, who may disrupt learning within the classroom on a whole? The justification for this is that there will be two teachers in the classroom and in the cases of very disruptive students, a one on one paraprofessional but still, that many adults in a room? What about the clashing of teaching styles? What about the clashes of personalities? (and not in an attitudy way but some people, myself included, work better alone, that's just the reality of things) I'm not sure how this is going to work out but, if I am given another opportunity, I surely will take it.

I might be going to my family reunion next week. I thought it was another weekend but, duh, it's next weekend. I'm not sure if I'm going to go or not because, I'm not sure if I can find a sitter for Sam. Cat can stay by himself, he has before but, Sam is a dog and, he's a spoiled littel critter. In the past when I've gone away, he has come along with me, Sam's been to many places but, he can't go this weekend. I could ask a few friends of mine but, I'm not sure how he will react. Even when he goes to THO's house for the day, he gets a bit anxious, he's weird all day until I come home. When I go out, my mom says he paces the floor looking for me, everytime the phone rings, he runs to the door looking for me. It's okay that he does these things with her, but I'm not sure how he'll feel with someone else.

Despite my low food intake and moderate exercising, no weight lost has occured. :( Whenever I've wanted to lose weight, I just stopped eating and that seemed to work. I'm not sure what to do. If I eat anything more than 1000 calories, I gain weight. If I eat about 1000, I maintain weight. If I eat significantly less than that, I lose. I went to the doctor the other day with my little diary of food and she was quite appalled (I've gotten it in the comments also) at how little food I've been eating but, she also understands that I gain weight VERY easily. She brought up bariatric surgery (UGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!) as a solution but, that is NOT something I want to do. It is very risky, people die, are disabled, are permanently sick from haveing that surgery. I'd rather gain another hundred pounds before I do such a thing. The thing is, I don't want to be thin. I've never been and my body isn't built that way. I'd just like to be back to my normal size, which is about three sizes smaller (and more than a few pounds lighter) than I am now, I'm not sure how to go about doing that. She mentione my thyroid not really looking right, that may have something to do with it. I have to have a ultrasound of my thyroid done, not looking forward to that at all.

Eaten Today:

Breakfast:

8 strawberries, sprinling of sugar

Dinner:

Plate of steamed mixed vegetables
homemade iced tea
5 fritos (eat those while visiting THO)

I am LOVING my summer break

Summer time and the living is easy. Well, the classes I was supposed to take this summer, I won't be able to take until fall. Apparently, I jumped the gusto last summer with the classes I took. My classes last summer were non matriculating classes so it did not matter what I took or in what order because it was considered self fulfillment classes. I applied for matriculation this year, was accepted and applied for classes but, the classes I register for were for non-matriculation. (I didn't know this, it doesn't have matriculation or non-matriculation of the class bulletin). Anyway, I can't take the classes I registered for this summer until I take some pre-requisites and those were all full so, no school this summer. Good thing about this: I actually have a free summer! I haven't had one since I was in high school. Bad things about this: I'm a semester behind, I could have worked summer school and made more money for classes, in about two-three weeks, I'm going to be bored. Ah well. Thus far, I have been enjoying mysummer vacation. I sleep late, shower late, Sam and I lounge around the house. I've been watching the crazy talk shows on television (there REALLY are some nuts in this world) and, I've caught up on my sewing. The only thing is, everyone I know is working this summer, all of my teacher friends are doing summer school and all of my "regular" working friends have to work in summer. Eh.

This week I will sit in the house, do nothing, (well, sewing isn't exactly nothing) but next week, I'm going to do something at least 3-4 days a week. I mean, I live in NYC for goodness sake. There are museums and galleries to visit, matinees to attend, outdoor movies to see. I'm thinking of going to this swing club, apparently they have big band music every Tuesday and I'd love to go, plus, I have all manner of vintage evening clothes that need wearing.

I was going to bake some bread today since it is so humid, I'd get a nice fat, crusty bread with all of the moisture in the air but, I didn't want to get my kitchen hot with the stove on. I could sit in the yard, I could come upstairs, I could go to THO's house but knowing my luck, my bread would burn and I'd have no house to come home to.

I gave Sam the cutest hair cut but, he wouldn't stand still so that I could take his picture, this is the best I could do:



He looks like some kind of crazy devil dog in this picture but I promise he's a cutie.

I've also been shopping like some kind of out of control nut. EBay, which I love and have used for years has become my wallet's nemesis. I bought the GREATEST vintage coat, goodness it's gorgeous. I also got a few yards of fabric, a couple of patterns, some vintage jewelry, a box of buttons and buckles, some old vintage home maker books and some shoes (not from ebay). I'm going to give it a rest for a while. I've even given my tuition refund to THO because I'm such a reckless nut, I might spend it all.


Eaten today:

Breakfast:
Yogurt, granola

Dinner (preparing to eat):

coconut rice
seared indian chicken
steamed mixed veggies (brocoli, cauliflower, zucchini)

So, I went on a date

I went on a date this weekend. I haven't been on a date since M.E. and I broke up in April. I met this guy, he and I had a decent amount of conversation. Normally, I don't go out with someone until I've spoken with them for about a week but, my cousin T said "get your fat ass out the house" (she said it with as much love and caring as she could muster). So, I went out with James. I met him one night when T dragged me out of the house. He's 33, single, no children, has a small apartment in the Stuy and works for transit. He seemed nice enough so I fughred what the hell.

It was a rather warm night so, I wore a black vintage wrap dress, just a peek of cleavage with that dress, and my black peep toe pumps. I took my big flowered russian wrap just in case and wore my hair up with my big red rose. I think I was cute. So, he picked me up and went to this rather dinky restaurant. Clue #1 that things were not going to go well: He was a bit rude to our waiter. I didn't like that at all. But, I realize more and more in this world that not everyone is raised the same nor behaves in the same manner, I didn't like it, but, I didn't say anything either, my bad. Clue#2 that things weren't going to go well: When it came time to pay our 50 dollar bill (it was a rinky dink place), he took out his entire pay check. There were 20s, 100s, it was just dumb. I'm not sure why he did that. Maybe he thought I was hard up and impressed by his dough. Maybe he thought I was 15 and the sight of a 100 dollar bill would get my panties wet, not quite sure what that was about. He generally seemed to be a nice guy. We had decent conversation at the very least. So, we left there and he asked if I wanted to go to the South Street Seaport which I thought was really cute when I was a teenager, obviously since this was his idea of a great date and my cousin's voice in my head kept telling me (don't be so judgemental, loosen up, stop being so quick to judge), I obliged. So, we spoke about web design and how he wanted to own his own business one day, all good stuff. He was funny, nice, I thought to myself, maybe we'll go out again, he's a bit rough around the edges but generally nice. So, he brought me home and walked me to my door. I shook his hand, thanked him for dinner and a nice evening and he asked, "Is that all I get?" So, I went in to hug him and give him a kiss on his cheek, and simultaneously both of his hands were in my dress. One went down towards my boobs, the other went up toward my extra girly parts. I pulled myself away from him and screamed at him, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU ON CRACK?!" which was the best I could come up with at the moment. He then kind of chuckled and asked "should we take it inside?" I just kind of looked at him because though this was not funny, I SWORE, he had to be joking. It was like, surreal. He then went on to tell me that I was too uptight and he left. THEN, he called the next day and left me a message saying HE wasn't going to see ME any more because his last girlfriend "got down" (his EXACT words) the same night they met and that I would NEVER get a man acting the way I act. It was shocking/funny/strange/sad. A few years ago, I went out with this guy like three times or so and he wanted to screw me, I told him something to the effect of "I don't even know you, we just met". I remember him saying something like " well, I can't date you because I like to have sex and that obviously is something you don't like to do". So then it made think, are women in general whorish? Or are fat girls expecting to be more whore-y as compared to our thinner counterparts? I mean, I probably know the anwer to this because I've dated many guys who weren't trying to scre me on the first night and believe me, I've dated many more men then I've had sex with so it's obvious that they all werent' expecting me to screw them but, were did this N---a get the idea that a 12 dollar plate of salmon was enough to get into my extra girly parts?

Waaaaah!

I hate crying about things, I hate to complaing knowing that compared to many people in this world, I have a very good life but, I have to wonder sometimes, what is the purpose or the meaning of it all? I've always thought that everyone has a purpose in this world but the thing is, I'm not sure what my purpose is. I think I'm always yearning for something, reaching for something, trying to make my life better or trying to do what I think I should be doing with my life but, I'm not sure what that is. For a very long time, I had my life mapped out, I thought I would do things according to that plan but, despite how hard I worked towards it, that plan has not come into fruition. I'm not sure what my next move should be. I'm spending lots of money and time in a career I really hae absolutely no feeling for. I am so much happier than I have no business being being because school is over. I mean, I'm ELATED that I don't have to go to that sickening school even if it is only for 8 weeks. But, what am I supposed to do? I've prayed on it, asked for guidance, asked for the opinions of others but.... what? I don't know if I've given up but, I'm passionless. I hae no desire to do much of anything. Work doesn't excite me, painting doesn't excite me anymore, it's like I just don't care. I was going through the motions of trying to find a suitable partner but... I think I may give up on that too. I don't want to be a slacker, that isn't who I am but, I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return. I can honestly say that years ago, I was a fantastic teacher now, I'm being honest, I'm merely adequate and the results are the same. I have no incentive to try harder. The same goes for everything in my life. I try at relationships, they fail, I try to do something different, get myself out of this rut but, I feel I see no results. I think I might be depressed, I'm not sure. I know that this is a feeling I've had for sometime and it doesn't seem to be going away but, things are not as I want them to be, things are not as I've planned them. All of my efforts for change have not succeeded and I'm no longer sure what to do.



I'm going to post what I eat for the day again from now on. When I don't write down what I eat, I tend to eat all kinds of crap that I know is no good for me.

Breakfast: organic yogurt, 1/2 cup granola, banana, 1/2 cup peach juice
Lunch: 1 cucumber, 1 tomato, 3 tbsp. light french dressing, water
Dinner: 1 pear, 1 small peach, 1/2 cup peach juice

So

It's muggy as crap out today. I'm home becuase my house looks an ever loving mess. So far, I've cleaned my upstairs living room, rearranged some furniture in there, scrubbed my floors, got down on all fours and scrubbed my tatami mats



which definitely was a pain in the butt. I washed four loads of clothes, put away two (I have too many clothes, when everything is clean, I have no where to put everything). I still have to clean my yoga/sewing/painting room, clean my bedroom, bathrooms, kitchen and downstairs living room. I estimate I'll be finished by 12 or so tonight.

I took my twists out but didn't wash my hair so, I'll have to do that before I go to bed too and sometime before Wednesday, I'm going to have to give Sam a bath because he looks a mess, poor Sam.

So, since I slacked off of my diet again, shame on me, I've decided to do one of those Bally 30 day crash diet, go to the gym 6 day a week programs to see how much weight I will lose. I know it's cheating and it probably isn't the best thing in the world to do but, ah well, I'm lazy. Luckily, I've only gained back three of the 27 pounds I did lose so, not so bad. However, I don't feel right, not sure how to phrase it but, my body feels soft or jiggly, I don't feel as tight as I am used to feeling. Admittedly, I haven't been doing ANY exercise and other than going to work, I haven't been going out a lot lately because, I was saving money for all of those classes I am taking this summer. I can't spend money and save it so, I've been wathcing a lot of cable, reading, gardening, all of that nice cheap stuff.






The fruits, or rather cucumbers and tomatoes of my labor (which technically are fruit so I guess the original was okay).

I was watching television as I folded clothes and lo and behold, the International Rock Paper Sciossors Championship was on. Remember that game as a kid, rock, paper, sciccors said shoot? Well, there is a championship game for it and get this, the winner wins $50,000. That is crazy. There isn't any strategy involved in playing, it's all a gam of chance but, it pretty funny I guess. I watched like ten minutes of it thinking it was a gag or a spoof but when I went to look it up on line, it was there Rock Paper Scissors Championship

Everything is regular, nothing exciting or too new going on.

June

Ah, it's June. The end of school and Pride Month. Normally around this time of year, I am very excited becasue it is getting closer to the time where I can sit around for nine weeks straight doing nothing. However, this June is bittersweet. Yes, the school year is winding down, yes I still have nine weeks where potentially I could be sitting around doing nothing but, this summer, like last summer, I will be taking classes so for 8 of my nine weeks off, I will be in hot, boring classrooms trying desperately to become a principal so that I can triple my salary. My classes are SOOOOOO expensive. I had to register for the classes and was so angry writing out that huge check for almost all of my hard earned money. Good news, in about three years like I said, I'll triple my salary so, I'll hopefully be able to make all of that back.

I'm finding more and more that I'm not really digging New York anymore. Of course I like the culture, museums and theater, shopping and, it's cool that I can go anywhere in the city at anytime of the day and get a cheeseburger but, this whole scene just isn't me anymore. As I'm geting older, I'm more interested in property, and with shit like 3 bedroom 1200 square foot apartments going for a million dollars in Brooklyn, it's time for this chick to get out of dodge. I'm thinking of going somewhere slower but still a bit cultured, Asheville, NC seems like a nice place. I'll probably take a trip down there within the year just to see what's going down.

I decided to try internet dating. It was something I'd never really done before but I decided to give it a try. Though I didn't go out with anyone, I did meet a few guys and seriously, I wasn't impressed. It's just as bad as real life dating. here are a few guys that I met.

E: E is 42 years old, I bit old but okay, I"m trying to get past that whole, the guys MUST be this, this, this thing so I figure okay, I'll see. This man is 42 as I've stated but, he lives at home with his parents. He told me he was married twice and he and his second wife divorced because and I quote, "she didn't want to help me with my career". When I asked what that meant, he told me he was a musician, he was goig to be a musician until he died (or starved to death by my assumptions) she wanted him to get a "real" career. I'm like dude, you live with your parents and you're 42! Don't you WANT a "REAL" career? Don't you WANT to do those things? Needless to say, I told him I didn't think we were compatible. He asked me what I meant by that, I didn't want to be mean to him so I said, "I'm going to date other people, I'm not ready for the kind of relationship you're looking for". Could you imagine? If I knew I had nothing to offer, especially being a man, I wouldn't dare try to talk to some woman, just plain trifling.

B: B is 38 had a decent job and owned his own apartment. He and I had really great conversations about 4 times then, he told me "I really dug Uma Thurman":



I don't look NUTHIN' like that broad. So I asked him, did you see my pictures? You contacted me, I don't look like her AT ALL. He responds, "yeah, but you're great". Maybe I was being childish but the old, "I don't think we're compatible" line came out. Then that was over.

K: K is 36 years old, he has a 14 year old son, owned his own home. We exchanged a few e mails, he asked me for my number, we exchanged numbers then, he called my phone about twelve times in a row. Just called and didn't say anything when I answered. At first, I thought he was just having phone trouble but, when I told him I was going to turn his phone number in to the police, he stopped calling.


J: J is 32 I think, seemed really nice, we exchanged email for about 3 weeks, then he told me he wasn't 5'10 like he put on his page, he was actually 5'2" and being the vain amazon I am, I doled out the "I dont' think we're compatible" speech. Ah well.

G: Is the last one, we haven't really communicated but never the less, I decided to pull my on line dating ad. It really just isn't worth it to me, very silly.

So along with the end of the year comes all sorts of fun and games at my school. In addition to doing report cards (which are a pain in the butt), I'm preparing my students for a punchball competition (baseball without a bat) and a cheerleading competition I'm also holding my annual pajama party where we all wear pajamas, eat junk food and watch movies and play games in class. I'm also cleaning out my classroom because, I'm going back to elementary in September. That's all I guess.

A picture of my dad.

Not a lot at all has been going on

Basically, for the past two weeks or so, things have been pretty whatever. I don't feel as sad as I did before, my friend T and I had a great talk and so that helped a lot. I've been concentrating on work, school will be out in about a month or so and then I start classes once again, let me correct that, I start those expensive al all hell classes once again. Not really looking forward to taking them, but, it is a necessary evil I guess. I met this guy or rather man last week named John (I'm using his real name because he won't ever read this, we didn't know one another for very long). He and I had two really great phone conversations and we were talking about the possibility of going on a date. Basic statistics about him: He's 39, is a truck driver, owns a condo in Harlem, never married, no children, and from our conversation, seemed pretty intelligent. Then, on the night of our second conversation, he asks me, "Do you smoke weed?" my answer was "no". He asked if I hung around people who smoked weed, I told him that one of my friends did and I of course didn't have a problem with her doing so but she doesn't do so when she is in my house, and when I visit her, I usually go in her bedroom while she smokes. I just personally don't like smoke in almost any form, it makes me feel sick, this includes car exhaust, barbecue smoke, all of that. He then tells me he didn't think he and I would be compatible because he has "friends" who like to smoke weed and he can't be around a woman who doesn't like to be around that type of behavior. I was kind of like, "wow, okay" because at first, I thought it was kind of silly/strange/weird but after reading Donna's post on the subject of identifying a weed head, it was all good. Thanks Donna!

While playing around on line the other day, I came across a video of Mysterious Ex doing a presentation for his company's latest product and of course like any crazy person would, I watched it like five times then went to bed crying. I missed him for like two days and contemplated calling him until I made myself remember why I broke things off with him to begin with.

So, I've gotten back on my diet, (blah), I've registered for my expensive as all hell classes over the summer and I'm actively searching for the future Mr. Noir, I just hope I can stay on track.

I feel as though my life is off track or something. Not quite sure how to place my finger on it but truthfully, I thought I'd be living a much different life from the one I'm living now. I hate complaining because I feel guilty about it. I know far worse things could be occurring in my life. I know the mulititude of things that are occurring in other people's lives but, I feel unfufilled?, unsure?, maybe unhappy?, ot sure quite how to describe it. I'd honestly have to say that in my adult life, all 7 years of it, I think I was happiest when I was working for myself so, I think that is something I'd like to do again. It is very hard work but, I was very happy, even when I wasn't making goodobs of money. I'm not sure if I'm going to get back into the same field or try my hand at something different but, I think that is the path I am going to go down again.

I'm very excited because, my tumor seems to have shrunk. I haven't had the constant pain in my uterus for like the past month. Prior to this, I've always had this dull achy pain, it was there for about a year, give or take a little but, noticing the pain had subsided, I had an ultrasound last week and woo hoo! tumor is smaller. Not really sure why it is, at this point, I really don't care.


Here are my goals for the end of this year.

#1 Finish credits for becoming an elementary school prinicipal
#2 Be back to "normal" weight
#3 Research and develop a business plan
#4 Find good dating partner who is good husband material

Seems simple enough I guess

I lied to my ex. He called me a while back to apologize to me for the things he did to me during our relationship ad I lied to him, I told him I was married because I didn't want him to have the impression that I was still some sad sack pining away for him after all of these years that we have been apart but now, I kind of have to keep up the lie. He mailed me and said he wanted to speak to me and so I called him and he askes how's your husband? what does he do?, etc., all of these questions that I answered ad ow I feel terrible because I have created this HUGE lie that I have to keep up. IT is much bigger than I ever wanted it to be and it has gotten way out of proportion but, I don't know what to do.

Rant!

I have been very upset thesee last few days. I think I've been feeling this for a while. I'm normally not a depressing person and really don't like my current mindset.

I HATE my job. It's not the children or particularly the place I work, it's the current state of education in general and its effect on my career. When I began teaching 7 years ago (something I thought would be temporary I might add), I loved what I did. I was good at it, I worked hard at it. It was something I enjoyed. Now, schools no longer exist to educate children. They have become test taking mills. Teachers have become babysitters and robots who all teach the same lessons from the same script at the same time of day. There is no true educating of children, it is getting them prepared for this or that test. My day has gone from the developing and strengthening of young minds to 3 hours of reading, 2 hours of math and an occassional period of science or social studies. There is no geography, no phonics, no creative writing, no music, art or even gym. It is learn to pass this test, pass that test. It is disgusting. Originally I thought I would become a principal and try to change things at least in the school I would be leading but truthfully, my heart is no longer there. I couldn't care less about what I do anymore. I simply don't care. Am I happy about this, not at all but, these are my feelings despite this. I would LOVE to open a bookstore or a cafe but truthfully, I am realistic about such a venture. I know that it takes capital which I do not have to start something like that. I know how difficult it is to even venture into that type of undertaking. I know that at this point in my life, I am not willing to take something like that on. I know that I fell defeated in many aspects. Even teaching in and of itseelf is my "safety" or fallback career. It is not what I started out in the world to do even though I do very well at it. I have allowed it take up much more of my time that I ever thought it would. When I ran my own business, that was optimum to me. I was very happy with what I was doing. I want to get back into that. So, what am I going to do? I'm not sure. This summer in order to keep advancing (make more money) I am going to take five classes and two tests. This will set me back another seven thousand dollars. I know it is an investment into myself but, I don't know if I want to invest into this career any longer.

I am on vacation

for the next week or so. Sadly, my favorite part of being a teacher as of late as been all of the vacation time I get. I had big plans for yesterday. I was to wash three loads of clothes, mop ALL of my floors (since I have a tendency to bypass the rooms I don't use and therefore don't see). Dust EVERYTHING in the house. fix one of my curtain rods which looks like its about to fall straight onto my head, and of course, clean my bathrooms. Instead, I managed to eat, lay down, watch an old movie, eat some more, sleep, watch half of an old movie, take a really long nap, eat, watch half of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka", take my extensions out and then sleep again. Ah well, another day in my life wasted. This morning though, I woke up early and have thus far washed two loads of clothes (the third is washing as I write this), put away all of the "should I wear this" clothes that seem to accumulate over the weekend and sweep all of my floors in preparation for the massive mopping. It's only 8 a.m. so, if I pull myself away from the computer, I should have a pretty good start to my day.

I've been on ebay buying up a storm. I've alwyas loved ebay but, I've been getting the most beautiful fabric for a FRACTION of the cost I would in a fabric shop. I bought 6 yards of this beautiful black silk with small outlines of gold leaves embroidered in the materia (much more pretty than it sounds) for 17 dollars, shipping included. I got 6 yards of another gorgeous fabric for 15 dollars with shipping included. And, I've got my eye on this silk salmon colored fabric which is only 1.35 a yard, ah, I almost can't take it.

I spoke to Mysterious Ex last week and he askend if he could see me. Itold him no and he got so angry at me, he told me that he wasn't going to speak to me anymore whichwas kind of funny when I reminded him I wasn't talking to him anyway. When he does things like that, it remids me of how selfish and childish he can be. I guess everyone has their faults but sometimes his seem so great, so undesireable.

This weekend was cool I guess. My nieces chose the menu for Easter dinner so I wound up making a HUGE pan of lasagna, three baked chickens, garlic bread, a big salad, banana pudding, red velvet cake and a pineapple upside down cake. I was tired after making all of that that while everyone chattered away, I laid on the couch and took a nap, right in the middle of all of the loudness that was my house. My dress came out great though, I underestimated how much material I would need for such a full skirt so it was more of a pencil skirt than a big flare circle skirt but, still cute. I got on the scale yesterday and I have gained 6 pounds so, I'm starting my strict diet again. I went partially off it for a while, littering my good eating with candies and turkey burgers and did not work out AT ALL. I'm hoping I have the same success with losing weight as quickly as I did earlier this year.

Life has been unusually boring

and I haven't had much to say. I went to a very posh party with my cousin T this weekend. It was cool, it's always nice to be in a room full of cool upwardly mobile young Black folk, I don't know how to explain it, but, there always seems to be this energy. Had brounch with that guy last week and spoke to him a few times this week but, he has three children (I did not know that) so, I won't be going out with him again. He's cool though, we'll probably remain friends but, nothing more than that. I've decided to sew my Easter dress this year though I don't go to church or anything. The Heavenly One always likes to have Easter dinner as a family and since I displyed such culinary prowess for XMas, I have been asked to host this year's Easter dinner as well. Mind you, I haven't sewed in nearly 5 years but, I think I remember the hang of it. I bought a navy blue dupioni silk floral print for the skirt half, a cream colored dupioni silk for the bodice and navy solid dupioni for the bolero. I think it should come out well, at least I'm hoping it does. I plan on doing this style, which is a pattern from the late '40s/early 50's (my favorite era for clothing) though, I never use patterns, I make my own. The skirt and bodice will be like this:



and the bolero will be like this:

Despite all of my staying

in the house and my "bah humbugish" attitude, I've been having a pretty decent, if not conventional week. I have tomorrow off (love the NYC Dept. of ED!) so I have a three day weekend ahead. The weather hasn't been too bad this week, so, I've been wearing really great outfits, been feeling quasi okay. This weekend, my Cousin T has vowed to keep me OUT of the house so, tomorrow, which she took off since I am off, we are going shopping, then to lunch then I guess to a movie. I NEVER go to the movies unless they are independent or I REALLY, REALLY want to see them (they look EXCEPTIONALLY good). "Regular" movies usually aren't that good and I get angry for having spent 12 dollars on some dumb hour and a half long movie. She'll spend the night with me, and then the next day, we're supposed to go to MOMA and then to her God daughter's birthday party. We'll go out to dinner afterwards. On Sunday, I'm supposed to have brunch with this guy that I've been telling I'm going to have brunch with for like weeks and since this weekend seems to be the mark of the end of my self imposed hibernation, I figured, what the hell, I'll go.

The school I interviewed with last week sent me tis huge package asking all of these questions (8 in all) that they want me to return to them by next week. The 8 questions have to be answered essay style and have to be more than 600 words but less than 800. It's quite irritating and I'm not looking forward to doing them. One part of me says to not even answer the questions, I think they may not hire me and I reallly don't want to spend hours and hours doing something for no reason but, the other side of me is like, just do it, you never know right?

I stopped speaking to Mysterious Ex about a week ago. I told him I didn't think our speaking to one another was beneficial to either of us. I love M.E. but I think I've come to the realization (for like the 50th time), that he and I just can't be together. Though we have this attraction to one another, not just physically but we are "at home" with one another, he's so wrapped up in everything else to be in the kind of relationship I am looking for. On the one hand, he says, as he always says, he wants us to be together and like I've said many times, on paper, he's exceptional but in the flesh, things just don't pan out for us. He's always off doing this that and the other and yes, I'm supportive of his desire to do so much for his financial life but, where does that leave "us"? So, once again, for like the 7th time in three years, we are not speaking. He tells me "we can't stay apart, you know we'll be together" and, I don't have an answer for him. I know that what I want and what he is offering right now isn't getting it so, I have to once again tell him goodbye. It hurts a bit but, that's reality.

I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, not really sure why. I haven't been hungry but, I managed to gain three pounds. How'd that happen? I'm not really sure.

I went on an interview yesterday for an assistant principal position. It's a position where I would work as a teacher for two years and then transition to a principal's position by year three. Anyway, there were two women I had to meet with. One was impressed with my resume and the things I've done as a teacher, running my own business, etc. The other said, and I QUOTE she thought my teaching style may be a "little touchy feely because I ran an afterschool Yoga program". I mean, is that not the dumbest thing anyone has ever heard? Because I ran an AFTERSCHOOL program where I taught Yoga, I'm a softie in the classroom? Where do those two things even meet? Also on my resume were the fact that I work with academically (by at least two years) delayed students, many who have emotional and behavioral problems, the fact that I have created alternative route education paths for children who have a difficult time learning "conventionally" and the fact that throughout my career, I have been used as a "miracle teacher" (a teacher who gets pulled out of her current assignment to go into another classroom and fix the mess some other teacher has created or not been able to handle), all of that was bypassed because Oh my God! I'mve taught Yoga! So stupid.

I've mostly been going to work and just going home though, I did go to the Harlem Tea Room this weekend, that was pretty nice. My cousin T says that I should get out more, I'm turning myself into a hermit but, I just haven't felt like it. If I didn't have to go to work, I wouldn't go. I just feel like I need to straighten some things out. I'm not sure right now how I'm going to go about doing that, but, for now, I feel I just want to hang in the cut.

Good Day Thus Far

Didn't go to work today. When I woke up, it was cold, windy and rainy. I heard the wind, reached my hand from under the covers for the phone, called into work to take a personal day and have had the most wonderful day of hanging around doing nothing. I took a loooong shower, redid my hair, went off my diet and had chocolate chip pancackes and took a two hour nap. Wonderful.

My hero for the day is little Autumn Ashante who is spitting fire on a level most adults wouldn't even understand. Autumn recited a poem in school called "White Nationalism Put U In Bondage" in this poem, which I wish I had in it's entirety, she basically compares Colombus ad Darwin to vampires and pirates and she asks little Black children to recite a "Black Child's Pledge", which is basically a oath of responsibility and Black pride. I LOVE this kid, I LOVE her parents. Of course, people were offended because when children who were not children of color stood to take the pledge, she told them to sit down. She has since been banned from EVER performing in her school DISTRICT, (not just the school) for basically, offending white people. Now, I've been called prejudiced and, I'm not going to say I'm not, (I haven't had the greatest experiences) but with things like this and this,still in existence, and going stronger than almost ever I might add, is all of this hoopla necessary, over a little Black girl who has NO power? Really?


See the pot call the kettle black...

why do the man treat the people bad
and just expect them not to be mad?....

And you call me a savage, uncivilized
When its you who made lynching a way of life
And you don't want me to be mad
Well I say to you too bad
I'm a product of my environment...

Lyrics from Donnie's WildLife

Kind of Sad, but what great television there was last night

On his way to my house Saturday morning, Mysterious Ex got into a car accident. I went to meet him, he's okay but, his truck will be out of commission for a while. So yesterday, I slept until 2 in the afternoon! What the crap is THAT about? Very strange. I was kind of bummed out for much of the day, I was very sleepy (I sleep a lot when I'm unhappy), I spoke on the phone for most of the day so that I could keep my mind off my sadness, it was just a general blah day. Then, 8 o'clock came and it was a mini television marathon for me. First, I watched The Simpsons, which is actually one of my favorite shows but I don't watch too often, that was a pretty good episode. Then, it was back to back tv goodness which was great for me, since I didn't want to have to think about crap. The Sopranos was pretty good (even though it took a year and a half to see some new episodes). The L Word was also pretty goood even though I feel bad for the actress who played Dana who now needs to get a new job. Then of course, I HAD to watch The Flavor of Love which really wasn't a surprise but fun to see anyway. Then, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, woke up late this morning, but still managed to get to work on time. I have a last period prep which basically means I am free until dismissal time. I was thinking of sneaking out but, I think I'll just grade some papers.

Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.

For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.

Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.

I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.

My Sister What is Up?

Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.

One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.

The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?

As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.

Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie



Cloud Nine

"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".

"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".

"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."

"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."

Meal Post

Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.

Breakfast:

6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola

Snack

4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes

Lunch

Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing

2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix

20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade


Snack

2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple

Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)

a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit

Wow, Again.

I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.

Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.

Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.

So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.