Hope it All Goes Well

We are supposed to be going away this weekend. Samson's bag is packed, mine is not. Samson's outfit for tomorrow is picked it, mine is not. Samson is bathed, his hair is combed, his bows are straightened out and my things are all over the place, not even resembling any kind of order. So, we are off to Connecticut for the weekend. Hopefully, things will go well between Mysterious Ex and I. Hopefully things will go well between my bathing suits and I (god, that's an understatement). So, a weekend of beach, sun, fun and boating will hopefully make things between us go well. I guess we'll have to see.

I take two steps forward, he takes two steps back

Since I am home for the time being and don't really have much to do, I have decided to start a scrapbook for Sam. After seeing all of the beautiful scrapbooks people have made, I went out and spent like a hundred dollars on ribbons and letters and paper and glue and all this stuff in order to beautify my book. It's kind of nuts now though because I MUST have more. Everything I see, I want to buy, "Ooooo, I need that" "Oooo, that's cute", "Ooooo, that will look cute in Sam's book". I am a bonafide nut. I have banned myself from eBay beacuse as mentioned, I am crazy and will spend all of my money there.

I can never seem to win with Mysterious Ex. The week before last, I was going to wait until after the wedding to break up with him but last weekend, we had this huge talk and I thought the need for that had been thwarted. Now, some other stuff has come up. There is ALWAYS something with him, and I am back to where I began. Why does it have to be this constant up and down? Why does there always have to be this unknowing? I've already decided this isn't what I wanted, I thought things were sure to get better (yet again) but, we're right back. He's doing some fasting, not talking to me thing which he told me would be over tonight but, I still have not heard from him. I will not call him, I will not make that move, I am tired of having that responsibility. The funny thing is, I really don't think that he understands the damage things like this does to us. It isn't as though we have this strong relationship and everything between us is fine. Our thing is rocky at best. I am one misunderstanding away from dropping us, I don't see how he can't know this. Whenever I think that things are okay and I can sit back and enjoy "us", something arises. Something that upsets our relationship, sets us back a few milestones or causes us to breakup. I know that he thinks that I am dismissive of him, he thinks that I am always ready to break up with him and call it quits but it is true, I won't lie. It isn't that I don't want to work at having a good relationship, but it is all too much. When you are CONSTANTLY fighting and trying to get things to work, is it even worth it? Whenever I think we are moving forward, her we go, back again. I am tired of being in the same place.

Blah Blah today

Today was so hot. The Heavenly One and I went out to take our dogs to the groomer and do a bit of shopping, but not shopping shopping. I bought lotion, face cream, contact fluid, a new journal, toothpaste, tampons and some pens. She got some glasses cleanser (water and tissue are not good enough for The Heavenly One) some fade cream (for the scars left by her operation) and pens, (she had to have some when I bought them and scoffed at the idea of sharing even though mine had like 10 in a pack), my mom's weird at times. After our non shopping shopping trip, we went to Burger King of all places (even though I am supposed to be fasting, I did have a whopper, fries and a sprite, it was good too) and then we went to pick up the dogs (Samson, my baby, and Delilah, my mom's baby) from the groomer. We then came back to her house and complained about the heat as we discussed Mysterious Ex's new found weirdness. Sam and I came home, but I got bored so we went back to THO's house and we just came back about a half hour ago. Samson just finished eating dinner, he's really into this Thanksgiving Day Dinner by Nerrick and I am sitting here shooting the shit.

Though I probably should, I am not in the mood to have a talk with M.E. I'm tired, we spoke last week, I'm just not in the mood. I know that this fasting thing is bothering me though so I will probably bring it up. This weekend being July 4th weekend, we are supposed to do something. We decided last week we were going to go to Connecticut so, I hope things go as well as our last trip.

I start my classes the Monday after next and I AM NOT looking forward to them. I know that in the long run it will be beneficial to my career and my life and all that jazz but, who wants to go to school during the summer? I don't even teach summer school because I don't want to be in school. I don't know how I'm going to get through that but ah well. Nothing much is going on today.

BLATANTLY STEALING FROM GWEN (sorry, love you girl)

I've had the names of my unborn children picked out for sometime. I am assuming that I am going to have two girls and a boy in girl, girl boy order. If there is any deviation from the vision developed in my warped mind, I'm screwed.

BTW Sam, who is kind of like my first baby is named
Samson Louis Bartholomew (don't ask about the Bartholomew, I thought it was nice at the time). When he does something bad, I call him Samson Louis (stereotypical mom stuff)

My first daughter's name will be: Miranda Michelle Iana Phoolan

Miranda Michelle will be her first name, (I love the way it sounds) and I will call her Randa for short. Iana is a variation of M.E.'s name and it means God is gracious. Phoolan Devi is the name of a female Indian revolutionary who really kicked some ass.

My second daughter's name will be: Hellen Olivia Nzingha
or: Olivia Queen Anne Nzingha or Anastasia Olivia Aksana

Hellen is my mother's name which I've come to like in my old age. Olivia is a name that I adore but, depending on how my daughter looks, I don't know if I'm going to go with Olivia for the first name or not. Queen is an old family name. After slavery, a lot of black people started naming their sons and daughters King and Queen as a sign of power and strength. Anne Nzingha was an African woman who was pronounced KING (not queen) because basically, she kicked ass. Really, it's a longer story than I feel like recounting. Anastasia is a name I've loved for a long time and Aksana is just a variation of Oksana (that drunkard skater though I don't want my child to be a drunkard, I just like her name).

My son's name is kind of up in the air. If I have children with Mysterious Ex, I might have a junior because I LOVE M.E.'s name. It's very nice and sounds regal. However, other names that I like for a boy are:

Malcolm Alexander - I just like the way it sounds
Marcus
Aleksander
Owen (heh, I like it but sounds a little wimpy but, sounds really good with M.E.'s last name)

oooo babies, scary

GoddessNoir the Jezebel

Mysterious Ex did or rather said the strangest thing today. Since we have gotten back together, he has been trying or rather actually has been diferent and better than he used to be. He has decided to go to church more and get closer to God as a means to better deal with "us" and though I am not traditionally religious, I respect his decision and the way he is dealing with our relationship. Since he has gotten back his truck things between us have been smoother and even before getting his truck back, he has been nicer, calmer and more expressive with me. But today, he threw me a ball I was totally not expecting.

First off, I have to set a back story so that it is beter understood. M.E.'s problems with me are that according to him, I am very dismissive of him (if I get upset about something I am ready to call it quits), I am not affectionate enough (he likes to hold hands and kiss in public, things that I often feel weird about) and that I don't always allow him to be free with my body, if you catch my drift. Saturday at the wedding, he was holding my hand while we were in church and I, feeling weird, let it go, he didn't say anything, but he just looked at me and made this kind of mmmm sound. Later when we were driving to the reception, he reached over and rested his hand under my dress, on my thigh and I quickly moved his hand. Again, he didn't say anything, but he cut me this look like, "see". While we were at the reception, he rubbed my thigh and I moved his hand, he gave me one of those looks and while we were crossing the street, he reached for my hand, I took his then let it go. I just feel childish holding someone's hand, like I'm in kindergarten again. When we got home Saturday night, I let him do things that he's wanted to do for a while. Mind you, I am not frigid, just self conscious. So, he was reveling in how I let him do this and that and how he was happy with that. Not to get too graphic but, he spoke dirty to me and encouraged me to do the same. He seemed very pleased with the results. Fine.

Today, he calls me and tells me that I won't hear from him until Wednesday night. Before I could ask why, he explained to me that he was going to do a spritual fast and abstaining from certain things. Okay, I said. Why are you doing this I asked, (when I fasted, it was a huge deal, actually I'm fasting again but that's a different story) he told me, and this is the part I have trouble with, he told me he was fasting because his church was fasting, the pastor said they should and he was, I'M QUOTING HIM "trying to be obedient". My goodness I thought. To me, it is one thing if one is fasting because it is apart of one's culture or religion or because someone just wants to fast for personal, spiritual reasons or for whatever reasons ONE decides. But, to fast because someone told you to? That to me is just strange. Then I had to really think. I find Mysterious Ex to be a really smart guy, I mean REALLY smart but this, to me, seems stupid. Is he really this gullible? What else will he do because someone tells him? Maybe I'm being harsh. He then went on to tell me that we weren't going to speak because I might lead him to think, I'M QUOTING HIM "unpure thoughts". I responded to him "what!?" "What are you saying?" I asked him, "Do you think SEX in unpure? Do you think love is unpure? What does that say about me? If this is how you feel, then you shouldn't be having sex with me AT ALL". He told me we would speak about it on Wednesday, I answered fine. We said good night and hung up.

It lead me to think all kinds of things. Like people who send all of their money to televangelists because they are told to, or people who drink cyanide laced kool aid because they are told to. I do have to say honestly that it has given me a huge thing to think about. The fact that he isn't going to speak to me for fear of having "unpure thoughts" as though our love or appreciation for one another physical or otherwise is wrong in some way.

The biggest thing that bothers me though is the fact that he seems to be doing this because he was told to. And that "being obedient" comment, that was really a kicker. I am not sure how to handle this one. I guess I will wait a day and see.

Almost Everything Went Off Without a Hitch

Yesterday was 96 degrees, with a heat index that made it feel as though it was 105 degrees. And there, on the sidewalk of the church stood roughly, 400 people, half of the actual guests in attendance, awaiting the bride. There they waited, and waited, and waited and waited. They waited for nearly three hours, I say nearly because had they waited 6 minutes more, it would have been three hours. I however only waited 35 minutes or so. I know the bride personally and knew that this would happen. Mysterious Ex, The Heavenly One and I planned our travel time to arrive at about 30 minutes before what time we thought the wedding would begin which in actuality was about 2 and a half hours AFTER the wedding was SUPPOSED to start. So, ALMOST everything went off without a hitch with the exception of a few things.

#1 One of my first cousins, who is about 20 years my senior who has disgustingly flirted with me at past family events announced he wanted to, using HIS words not mine, "fuck me". My first cousin, who I have known since I was born. Who is 20 years older than me. Who knew me when I was a little girl. Who KNOWS he is my first cousin. Other than trembling in disgust and horror, I don't have a comment on that one.

#2 One of my cousins (as I predicted), told people that I thought I was, in her words "too good for her" because I didn't hug her for more than ten seconds. Note the 105 degree heat index as stated above, added to the fact that I am admittedly a fat chick, added to the fact that she is too indeed a fat chick, added to the fact that (Goddess forgive me) she smelled as though she hadn't bathed in a day or two. Or, here is another formula:

Fat Girl (cousin, not me) (and not run of the mill chubby or plump but stomach hanging nearly to knee caps despite never being pregnant fat) + 105 degree heat index + standing in hot sun waiting nearly three hours for bride + tafetta (or some other unholy material she was wearing) + you bathed at like 6 in the morning before driving three hours to NYC in said 105 degree heat + the fact that I don't really know you and haven't seen you in like 8 years + I don't want to get your smell, scent and funk all over me = I don't want to hug you whore, now leave me the fuck alone and give me my (as Gwen likes to put it) hula hoop of personal space.

#3 Mysterious Ex was asked to cart some relatives from the church to the reception, since he has a big three rows of seats SUV/truck type of vehicle, he obliged which makes him very nice in my book. Said relatives were from the sect of my family no one likes to mention, they are mostly under educated, under or unemployed (and not because they were going through a career change or slump or this is a good enough job for now type thing), they mostly comprise of the stereotypical jive talking black folks that are thrown up on movie and T.V. screens. My brother, carrying his wife, two daughters and The Heavenly One (who decided she would bless both of us, my brother and I, with her presence by "allowing" M.E. and me to take her to the wedding and then "allowing" my brother to take her to the reception) had an entire row of seats to spare and M.E. and I, traveling together, unfortunately had two rows equaling 6 seats to give away. After the service, my brother and Mysterious Ex who both drive these massive SUVs were LITERALLY nearly run down with requests for being driven to the reception hall by this sect of my family. This is basically how it went:

Embarassing Family Member: (Spoken loudly and in the worst english possible) Yo, yo, MY NAME how you gettin' to the reception?

Me: Um, my boyfriend is going to drive me, well us.

Embarassing Family Member: What he be drivin'?

Me: Excuse me?

Embarassing Family Member: What he drivin'?

Me: You mean what type of CAR is he driving?

Embarassing Family Member: Yeah

Me: Um, he has a Land Cruiser, why?

Embarassing Family Member: He co' (could) take us?

Me: Well, who is "us"?

Embarassing Family Member: (Names replaced) This one, That one, and them, oh, and Her and Him

Me: Um, Let me ask.

Embarassing Family Member: Oh, you gotta be asking yo' man and shit?

Me: Well, it is HIS car, I'll let you know.



They decided they HAD to have beer before they went to the reception, even though the reception was like a mile away (there was beer and liquor being served at the reception) from the church and we left DIRECTLY after the service, (read: there was like 15 minute travel time including getting in the car, driving to the hall and finding parking, etc.) Before they all piled into the car, I let M.E. know about their propensity to make things disappear so he ever so discreetly threw small items into the back hutch like portion of the truck. Even though the ride only lasted a few minutes, it was one of the longest periods of my life. Mysterious Ex and I threw one another sideways glances as we listened to them slay the english language like a knight sent to rid the kingdom of the awful fire breathing dragon. Strangely, I think we grew closer as we listened to them declare how they would "knock a N---er out if he look at me wrong" and how they were ready to "get hiiiiiiiigh" (emphasis is their's not mine) we then listened to how either of us, (M.E. or I) would "get jacked if we came through their 'hood" because we were, AND I QUOTE, "sof', high class niggers, who be talkin' white and shit". I CANNOT POSSIBLY MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Their conversation then turned to how my parents have always been "stuck up", "thinkin' they white", and how they "be turnin' their nose up at us" and how consequently my brother and sister and I were the same. Mind you, I was in the car, in MY BOYFRIEND'S car who was giving them a ride. I would have loved for this lovely portion of the evening to have never ended but alas, we had arrived at our destinantion.

#4 At the reception, people were sitting at our table and they REFUSED to get up even though we were assigned to tables. We (me, my brother, his wife and two girls, Mysterious Ex, my wonderful cousin T her husband, her sister and her boyfriend) were Table 4, they were sitting at Table 4 but told us their table "was too far away from the action". These people were foreign to us so we assumed they were from the groom's sect of the family no one wants to acknowledge. So we sat at their table, which in the long run was better because THE CATERER (another cousin) screwed up the place setting and mixed up the table numbers.

#5 During the reception EVERY aunt, uncle and family member who is married and therefore feel it is their birth right to ask about my questionable marital status, came by to look Mysterious Ex over. While there, they asked me where my babies were, when was I expecting the babies, would the babies be coming soon, if I thought I would be having babies, why was it taking so long for me to get the babies, commenting on how I had a big enough house to put the babies in, how my dog was not a baby substitute, encouraging me to move quickly before my plubmbing ran dry. They then encouraged M.E. to let the wedding get him in the mood to pop the question so that I could start trying to have the babies (hopefully being successful) as though (and this is the feminist part of me) when it truly comes down to it, he has ANYTHING to do with whether I decide to have children, whether I ACTUALLY have children or even if he will be doing the impregnating, I was always under the impression those choices were mine but, I guess I was wrong. Then my pregnant cousins came over and though I am happy for them, (I really am) god did they get on my nerves,

Pregnant Cousin #1: When is it going to be your turn MY NAME?

Pregnant Cousin #2: You're not getting any younger girl.

Pregnant Cousin #1: (Speaking loudly and looking Mysterious Ex directly in the eye) When are you going to get married and start popping out some babies MY NAME. (Popping out babies? that sounds like fun.)


Pregnant Cousin #2: It's time to stop playing around girl.

(Mind you, both these women got married in their early thirties, and now that they are pregnant, they're doing the same shit that was done to them and they hated? Give me a fucking break.)

When I mentioned to Pregnant Cousin #2 that I was not "playing around" and that not only was I trying to lay down the foundations for a great relationship, but that I was embarking on a fulfilling career by becoming a principal and starting my own school, her response was , AND I QUOTE:

"That's all well and good, but money and jobs don't make babies, husbands do."

Uh, Thanks for the sex ed lesson of the day, I would have NEVER figured that out on my own.

Other than that, the day was pretty good. When the wedding DID finally start, it was really beautiful, it was fun talking to the people who weren't behaving ignorantly or asking about my marital status and/or fertility. Afterwards, M.E. and I had a great time. We drove around, which I love to do. We drove into Williamsburg (a newly gentrified and trendy section of Brooklyn) we were going to go to a seafood restaurant but the wait was like 2 hours or more so we left. We went to a street fair/flea market (at 10 at night, god I still LOVE NY sometimes) but didn't really find anything worth buying. We then drove into Queens (a less gentrified and trendy part of NY) so of course everything was closed. So, we drove back into Brooklyn and ended up buying White Castle of all things and ate semi naked (as not to ruin our dress up clothes) on my couch. We then took a shower and had some of the greatest sex we have ever had (really, it was that good). We then feel asleep and he left early this morning to go boating with his dad and brothers (I AM NOT a boating kind of chick). So far today, I have been to see The Heavenly One, we had brunch and discussed yesterday's event, walked Sam, stood in my yard and thought about cutting the grass (which I didn't do) read the papers (both The Times and The News) and ate wedding cake, a pretty good day thus far.