Eaten Today
Breakfast:
Cheese omelet, sausage, toast, coffee
Lunch:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Hours on Phone:
over 12
Resumes: none, it's Saturday
Bought:
nada
I have spent ALL day on the phone with New Guy. Mysterious Ex is off somewhere doing something and so I have been on the phone wasting time. New Guy wanted to hang out today but I would not see him since I am trying not to confuse myself anymore than I already am. I do have to say we are having one of the best conversations I have ever had. I am very comfortable with him, I can say what I want, do what I want and I don't feel weird about what I am saying. I'll write more later.
5.07.2005
5.06.2005
Where in the crap did these come from?
So, I'm still on my feel good high, fine I'm fat, actually fatter THAN I"VE EVER BEEN but, hell, I'm still H-O-T, right? I've been obsessing over my thighs and in the midst of all of that, I've forgotten about these two MASSIVE mounds that have taken root on my chest. I put on a push up bra this morning (as though I really need one now) but I like a little cleave every now and then and instead of making a beautiful accentuated crevice of boob, there were these two things just there blocking my view of my nice new shoes. Where the hell did these things come from? Where have they been all this time? I mean, I'm sure sensibly one would assume that my boobs would have grown larger along with my waist, thighs, butt, arms, legs and every other part of my body but goodness gracious, these things are monsterous. As though to get their own point across of their newly obtained mass, while eating a piece of toast, a chunk fell off the bread, or out of my mouth, not sure of that one yet, and stuck, literally STUCK itself into the little or not quite so little crevice or rather cavity created by my boobs. I actually had to dig down in there and get them out. Now, I sit braless, something I very rarely do, these babies are usually strapped to my chest like shrink wrapped cookies, and there is so much movement, even when I myself move very little. Even a quick breathing quiver, yes I actually did it and yes I DO have a LOT of time on my hands sends the twins a flapping. Scary, scary stuff.
5.05.2005
Do things grow stickier yet?
Eaten so far:
Breakfast: Rice Krispies
Lunch: Rice Krispies (ran out of Frosted Flakes again)
Dinner: Kielbasa (spelling?) with onions and peppers, coconut rice and spinach
Resumes: None so far, just got in a bit ago
Exercise: Left my pedometer home today (blast!) but, did a significant amount of walking and in heels no less, plus, engaged in a little amorous activity which HAS to account for some type of exercise
Bought: A crap load of stuff today, coupon for Lane Bryant + Clearance Rack + First Thursday of the month sale = Lots of stuff for very little, needless to say, I am very happy
Well, thirty pounds or not, I am still officially H-O-T. Boy, staying home unemployed really makes a girl forget that actually is considered cute in society. I do admit that I felt really good about myself today. My jeans were cute, pluse the new blazer I wore and my heels looked great. My hair wasn't too frizzy, my make up was great, I just had a great body/hair/face day today. Some really good looking guys were trying to talk to me (not at all that I need yet another man beckoning me but, it felt nice) I did some great shopping, overall I'd have to say a pretty delightful day, at least so far.
So, Mysterious Ex and I jung out last night and despite my telling myself over and over, NO and despite polishing myself off not once but three times befor he came over, we still did the deed, and boy was it fun! I forgot how great sex was, not that I really forgot but I haven't done it in a few months so, I kind of forgot. WHat fun, what excitement, what calories I burned. A good time was had by all and by that I mean Mysterious Ex and yours truly.
New Guy called twice while Mysterious Ex was here, the first time I ignored the call but, I didn't want to appear suspicious so the next time he called, I answered. I promplty told him I needed to call him back and I knew I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention but, I very well couldn't carry on a conversation with him while M.E. was over here, that would be just plain whorish.
On the way home today, I was thinking, I do a lot of this lately. Mysterious Ex and I have lots of fun together. I love him, yes and for the past few weeks (like 2 or maybe 3), there has been a significant change in our relationship but, Mysterious Ex had a year. I gave him a year of my attention, my love, of being there for him and he took that for granted. He says that has come to his senses know, that he is ready to truly be in a "real" relationship but, what message am I sending him by so easily and willingly going back to him? Does he know think that he can do as he pleases because I love him so much that I will just take what he dishes out and still accept him? Has he truly seen how our relationship was hurting before and he really wants it to change? What are we doing? We speak of marriage and children but it always is like in the distant future. Not that I am ready to be married and made into a mom right now but, I'd like to know that will be the end result of our relationship. I'd like to know that we aren't just sitting around wasting time with one another.
On the flip side. New Guy is so sure of what he wants but, I am not willing to let go. What if things don't work out between us? What if our relationship is superficial since since we have really just met. I mean at the very least, M.E. and I have been through things together and in my personal and humble opinion, our relationship is stronger for it. It just feels right to be with him. When Mysterious Ex and I are together, I just feel as though he is with whom I belong. I see babies and a house, I see us in bed with children, on the couch watching tv and loving each other. Right now, I don't see that with New Guy but, am I just keeping myself from seeing that? I'm not sure.
Breakfast: Rice Krispies
Lunch: Rice Krispies (ran out of Frosted Flakes again)
Dinner: Kielbasa (spelling?) with onions and peppers, coconut rice and spinach
Resumes: None so far, just got in a bit ago
Exercise: Left my pedometer home today (blast!) but, did a significant amount of walking and in heels no less, plus, engaged in a little amorous activity which HAS to account for some type of exercise
Bought: A crap load of stuff today, coupon for Lane Bryant + Clearance Rack + First Thursday of the month sale = Lots of stuff for very little, needless to say, I am very happy
Well, thirty pounds or not, I am still officially H-O-T. Boy, staying home unemployed really makes a girl forget that actually is considered cute in society. I do admit that I felt really good about myself today. My jeans were cute, pluse the new blazer I wore and my heels looked great. My hair wasn't too frizzy, my make up was great, I just had a great body/hair/face day today. Some really good looking guys were trying to talk to me (not at all that I need yet another man beckoning me but, it felt nice) I did some great shopping, overall I'd have to say a pretty delightful day, at least so far.
So, Mysterious Ex and I jung out last night and despite my telling myself over and over, NO and despite polishing myself off not once but three times befor he came over, we still did the deed, and boy was it fun! I forgot how great sex was, not that I really forgot but I haven't done it in a few months so, I kind of forgot. WHat fun, what excitement, what calories I burned. A good time was had by all and by that I mean Mysterious Ex and yours truly.
New Guy called twice while Mysterious Ex was here, the first time I ignored the call but, I didn't want to appear suspicious so the next time he called, I answered. I promplty told him I needed to call him back and I knew I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention but, I very well couldn't carry on a conversation with him while M.E. was over here, that would be just plain whorish.
On the way home today, I was thinking, I do a lot of this lately. Mysterious Ex and I have lots of fun together. I love him, yes and for the past few weeks (like 2 or maybe 3), there has been a significant change in our relationship but, Mysterious Ex had a year. I gave him a year of my attention, my love, of being there for him and he took that for granted. He says that has come to his senses know, that he is ready to truly be in a "real" relationship but, what message am I sending him by so easily and willingly going back to him? Does he know think that he can do as he pleases because I love him so much that I will just take what he dishes out and still accept him? Has he truly seen how our relationship was hurting before and he really wants it to change? What are we doing? We speak of marriage and children but it always is like in the distant future. Not that I am ready to be married and made into a mom right now but, I'd like to know that will be the end result of our relationship. I'd like to know that we aren't just sitting around wasting time with one another.
On the flip side. New Guy is so sure of what he wants but, I am not willing to let go. What if things don't work out between us? What if our relationship is superficial since since we have really just met. I mean at the very least, M.E. and I have been through things together and in my personal and humble opinion, our relationship is stronger for it. It just feels right to be with him. When Mysterious Ex and I are together, I just feel as though he is with whom I belong. I see babies and a house, I see us in bed with children, on the couch watching tv and loving each other. Right now, I don't see that with New Guy but, am I just keeping myself from seeing that? I'm not sure.
5.04.2005
Have no funny little title
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, toast, coffee (I dreamt of breakfast last night, how sick is that?)
Lunch: Salami and cheese sandwich and two slices of salami (I realized there were only two slices left and didn't want to make a crummy sandwich next time around so, hence the two extra slices)
Dinner: Chili and cornbread
hours on phone: about 3, 1 was job related
Resumes: 2, it's a slow job posting day
Exercise: I walked 2.5 miles today or according to my pedometer, 6,147 steps, I'm trying to get back up to my 5 miles a day, my thigh incident last week scared me straight
Bought: Received wonderful coupon from Lane Bryant so, I got a blazer, a few shirts for summer and a pair of new BIGGER jeans, also picked a job application and interview for next week (go me!) so that's a bit exciting, said job comes with 40% discount (woohoo!) so hope that works out. Might be a huge transition from teaching to retail but, I'm so poor at this point I'll mop floors (not really, just saying that)
So, I spoke to New Guy, and told him we should switch his birthday celebration to the weekend. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be narrowing down my decision to ONE man and here I am making plans to hang out with him. The thing is, he's a really nice guy, he's very respectful, and nice, we have so many things in common, it's scary. Last night, I spoke to Mysterious Ex for like 2 hours, when we got off the phone I instantly thought "awww, no wonder I love him so much, he's so great". I don't like that I'm causing so much confusion for myself. I spoke to this guy friend of mine and tells me to date both of them, not anything physical but just see who "wins" basically he tells me things should become more apparent to me as time goes on. I hope that he is right.
On the job front, after spending some of the little money I have at Lane Bryant, I saw job applications, and decided to fill one out. I never thought I would work in retail but times are getting rough, I can't sit around waiting for another great job to come around and sitting here day after day is driving me crazy (there is only so much watching Oprah and doing crafts a girl can take). I filled out the application, sent in my resume and was granted an interview next week. Cool, I could use a regular paycheck around here not to mention the distraction of a job.
While planting in the garden, Samson discovered the joy of seed packets. Now he's running around the house stealing them. I had to put them up on the refrigerator in order to keep him from shaking them around the house. My dog is sweet but boy is he easily entertained, I mean seed packets, come on.
I am sitting here waiting for Mysterious Ex to come over. I thoroughly worked myself over earlier so hopefully that will be enough for my crazy raging hormones.
I was added to the Chubby Girl Brigade member list today, that really brightened my day. M.E.'s car just pulled up outside, will have to finish this later.
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, toast, coffee (I dreamt of breakfast last night, how sick is that?)
Lunch: Salami and cheese sandwich and two slices of salami (I realized there were only two slices left and didn't want to make a crummy sandwich next time around so, hence the two extra slices)
Dinner: Chili and cornbread
hours on phone: about 3, 1 was job related
Resumes: 2, it's a slow job posting day
Exercise: I walked 2.5 miles today or according to my pedometer, 6,147 steps, I'm trying to get back up to my 5 miles a day, my thigh incident last week scared me straight
Bought: Received wonderful coupon from Lane Bryant so, I got a blazer, a few shirts for summer and a pair of new BIGGER jeans, also picked a job application and interview for next week (go me!) so that's a bit exciting, said job comes with 40% discount (woohoo!) so hope that works out. Might be a huge transition from teaching to retail but, I'm so poor at this point I'll mop floors (not really, just saying that)
So, I spoke to New Guy, and told him we should switch his birthday celebration to the weekend. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be narrowing down my decision to ONE man and here I am making plans to hang out with him. The thing is, he's a really nice guy, he's very respectful, and nice, we have so many things in common, it's scary. Last night, I spoke to Mysterious Ex for like 2 hours, when we got off the phone I instantly thought "awww, no wonder I love him so much, he's so great". I don't like that I'm causing so much confusion for myself. I spoke to this guy friend of mine and tells me to date both of them, not anything physical but just see who "wins" basically he tells me things should become more apparent to me as time goes on. I hope that he is right.
On the job front, after spending some of the little money I have at Lane Bryant, I saw job applications, and decided to fill one out. I never thought I would work in retail but times are getting rough, I can't sit around waiting for another great job to come around and sitting here day after day is driving me crazy (there is only so much watching Oprah and doing crafts a girl can take). I filled out the application, sent in my resume and was granted an interview next week. Cool, I could use a regular paycheck around here not to mention the distraction of a job.
While planting in the garden, Samson discovered the joy of seed packets. Now he's running around the house stealing them. I had to put them up on the refrigerator in order to keep him from shaking them around the house. My dog is sweet but boy is he easily entertained, I mean seed packets, come on.
I am sitting here waiting for Mysterious Ex to come over. I thoroughly worked myself over earlier so hopefully that will be enough for my crazy raging hormones.
I was added to the Chubby Girl Brigade member list today, that really brightened my day. M.E.'s car just pulled up outside, will have to finish this later.
I'm Crazy
Today is New Guy's birthday so what do I do? I tell him I'll make him dinner and bake him a cake. What's up with me? Why do I do that? I have some serious issues.
5.01.2005
I have to make some serious choices
Eaten:
Breakfast: Oatmeal and banana strawberry smoothie
Dinner: Rice, Chicken, Plantanos
Hours on phone: over 7 (it was rainy all day)
Resumes: 2 (it's Saturday)
Exercise: ha ha
Bought: Nothing today though, I have big shopping planned for next week
I cannot keep doing this. I feel as though I am leading New Guy on and that is something I don't want to do. I think this is the deal. I love Mysterious Ex and I would love if things worked out between us, but I feel as though I cam keeping New Guy on the back burner in case things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. The thing is, he is a great guy and if there was no Mysterious Ex, I would totally dig him completely but, there is a Mysterious Ex so that complicates things to no end. The other thing is, if I had complete faith in Mysterious Ex, there would be no need for New Guy to still be around. Just the fact that I have him around proves that I don't truly trust where things are going with Mysterious Ex. I don't want to be that "what are we doing, where are we going" type girl but all jokes aside, I need to know. I am not 22 or 23 any more. I just can't aimlessly be in some relationship crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. There are certain things that I would like to do in life and I feel that I would like to be with someone who also wnat to do those things. The thing is, Mysterious Ex and I have spoken so much about "us" we've been through a WHOLE lot in the last year alone. I feel as though things are just beginning to come to a place where we are easing into a decent kind of relationship. Mind you thins has really only been going on for like a week. There are still some things between us that I feel a bit uncomfortable with but, I see where he's trying to make an effort. But, these same issues just don't exist at all with New Guy and I've known him for such a shorter period of time. What does this all say? I honestly have to say that I think I believe in fate and all that jazz. When Mysterious Ex and I got together, I thought it was fate working itself. I thought we were supposed to be together because we clicked so well but, we had huge communication problems, huge trust issues, we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without things getting totally out of control and turning into something so big and unneccesary. We keep getting back together, we keep trying to make it work but thus far, it hasn't. This last time has been the only time that we have tried together we talked things out, we decided what we wanted to do but this is the first time. Things are different in a sense but, we are the same people though we both want the same thing, old habits die hard, I know that. Is it better to leave what you know for something you don't know just because you think it may possibly be better? What happens if things don't work out there, after doing that, there is no going back and even with our problems, where in the world will I ever find another Mysterious Ex?
Breakfast: Oatmeal and banana strawberry smoothie
Dinner: Rice, Chicken, Plantanos
Hours on phone: over 7 (it was rainy all day)
Resumes: 2 (it's Saturday)
Exercise: ha ha
Bought: Nothing today though, I have big shopping planned for next week
I cannot keep doing this. I feel as though I am leading New Guy on and that is something I don't want to do. I think this is the deal. I love Mysterious Ex and I would love if things worked out between us, but I feel as though I cam keeping New Guy on the back burner in case things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. The thing is, he is a great guy and if there was no Mysterious Ex, I would totally dig him completely but, there is a Mysterious Ex so that complicates things to no end. The other thing is, if I had complete faith in Mysterious Ex, there would be no need for New Guy to still be around. Just the fact that I have him around proves that I don't truly trust where things are going with Mysterious Ex. I don't want to be that "what are we doing, where are we going" type girl but all jokes aside, I need to know. I am not 22 or 23 any more. I just can't aimlessly be in some relationship crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. There are certain things that I would like to do in life and I feel that I would like to be with someone who also wnat to do those things. The thing is, Mysterious Ex and I have spoken so much about "us" we've been through a WHOLE lot in the last year alone. I feel as though things are just beginning to come to a place where we are easing into a decent kind of relationship. Mind you thins has really only been going on for like a week. There are still some things between us that I feel a bit uncomfortable with but, I see where he's trying to make an effort. But, these same issues just don't exist at all with New Guy and I've known him for such a shorter period of time. What does this all say? I honestly have to say that I think I believe in fate and all that jazz. When Mysterious Ex and I got together, I thought it was fate working itself. I thought we were supposed to be together because we clicked so well but, we had huge communication problems, huge trust issues, we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without things getting totally out of control and turning into something so big and unneccesary. We keep getting back together, we keep trying to make it work but thus far, it hasn't. This last time has been the only time that we have tried together we talked things out, we decided what we wanted to do but this is the first time. Things are different in a sense but, we are the same people though we both want the same thing, old habits die hard, I know that. Is it better to leave what you know for something you don't know just because you think it may possibly be better? What happens if things don't work out there, after doing that, there is no going back and even with our problems, where in the world will I ever find another Mysterious Ex?
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