Didn't do much today. Went to the post office, to the bank and then to the grocery store. Sam and I took a walk to the park where he played until some big grey dog came so we high tailed it out of there though Sam, forever the masculine little guy he is, tried to battle the dog. We then went to the 99 cent store so I could get some Tide and Downy for five dollars instead of the ten I usually pay for it. Then since I forgot to get milk at the grocery store, we went to the bodega and got some. SOme man let me cut him in line and offered to buy my mile which I thought was pretty weird until I looked down and saw that the twins were making a pushed up and well supported lovely appearance which then made me think about how stupid this man was that he would lose his place in line and part with his money because he got to see the crack of my breasts, that's so stupid. Sam and I then came home where I talked to my friend, The Girl Who Has a Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It. She didn't have any outlandish stories to tell today so our conversation was rather pleasant. I then spoke to my friend K whom I love and who lives in Chicago and who if he were willing to move to NYC or I to Chi-Town, I would definitely marry. I then tried to take a nap on the couch but only achieved watchng The Station Agent which I've seen like 10 times before. We then went to The Heavenly One's house because she had cake over there and I have decided to stop baking (at least for a while, I bake and eat, bake and eat, it's no good).

I had to get some pampers for Sam. He is usually house broken but, he has reached sexual maturity and so he is going through this phase where he feels it's his duty to piss over everything. I washed everything in my house that is piss - on - able whether he peed on it or not and wrapped those pampers tightly around his waist.

Haven't heard from Mysterious Ex in like two days. Not exactly true, he spoke to me for like 2 minutes the day before yesterday. He's away for work but, We've never not spoked when he was away on business. I called him this morning and left him a message but, he did not get back to me. I am very unhappy with how things are going between us and though I know the simple thing would be to just end things, I have these horribly conflicting feelings. One day I'm gung ho on letting him go, the next day I'm thinking about how I should stick things out with him. I'm very confused and that in itself isn't something I am happy about.

I haven't been hungry lately though I have been eating almost constantly whether I am hungry or not. I hate my emotional eating (one of the reasons I have decided to give up my favorite pass time of baking) I eat just to eat, pretty sickening.

I received a call from three different men in the past week whom I used to date or thought about dating. One is a guy, who is actually about 22 years older than me, though he looks like he's in him mid thirties that I really dug. He and I liked each other a lot, but when he found out I was 23, (this was a few years ago of course), he kind of backed off. I started seeing someon else and so we just parted ways. He usually calls me like two or three times a year to see if I would like to get together but usually, I'm seeing someone or just getting over seeing someone. He told me he would love to get together with me and I told him I would let him know. I'll see if I call him.

The other guy is this man who own an auto body shop. He was always REALLY nice to me and though I tried to like him, I was never attaracted to him, there weren't ever any sparks between us. He liked me A LOT and I felt bad when I ended things between us because I really tried to like him, I wanted to. He suggested we go out this weekend and I told him I was seeing someone, his answer was, if you're ever not seeing someone, give me a call.

The third guy is this older, rich guy that I dated for about a month. I actually met him the day I bought Sam home more than two years ago. This guy is really nice, very sweet, wants a full blown relationship and his very wealthy. We stopped seeing each other because, I am 5'9" and LOVE to wear heels, he is about 5'6". Also, he weighs about 130 pounds and let's just say I weigh A LOT more than 130 pounds. Also, (I don't mean this in a racist way at all) he's a little white guy. He's a sweet heart, but I just could never get over people staring at me. Here I am a nearly 6 foot tall, fat, curvy (very curvy) black chick with wild curly hair dating this 5'6" skinny, white guy. I always felt uncomfortable with him not because he made me feel that way but because of the stares we would always get, it was just too much for me to take.

So, will I go out with any of these guys? I'm not sure. I'm going to take a shower an try to finish this book I've been reading for the last two weeks.

I was speaking with The Heavenly One and here is her take on the whole Mysterious Ex thing: She thinks that he and I should stay together, her reasoning being that he and I have been together thus far and we continue to work on our realtionship. She says that we as women grow up with this idea of what we think our partner, our man will be and many times, he may or may not be that person that we have in our minds idealized. She told me, Mysterious Ex is a good man. He loves you, you love him. Even though you feel he doesn't spend enough time with you, it is not because he is sitting on his behind or running the streets with other women. She tells me, when he is unable to see you, it is because he is working, or in the studio, which is working. He is trying to be able to provide a better life for himself and for you. She asked me to list the benefits of a marriage between Mysterious Ex and myself from my perspective. I told her, if we are to marry, I know that I would never want for anything. Financially, I know that I would be more than okay. I know that he would never hurt me, or mistreat me or be unkind to me. I know that he would not cheat on me, I know that I will live well, my children would be cared for and I know that I will be loved and feel loved. I know that our marriage, our household and our lives would be a partnership, I would be okay. My mom asked me if I were willing to trade that, if I were willing to throw that away for the unknown and I told her, I don't think so. She told me that if he and I are seriously discussing marriage and a life together that I cannot so easily decide I want out. She tells me, if the two of you have decided to try and make this work, then that is what you should do. She then tells me, do you think your father was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man? No. Of course he had some faults, of course there are things I would have loved for him to do more of or not do at all but, I love him, and he loved me and we had a great marriage, we had a wonderful partnership. If I had left your dad in search of something greater, would I have had the same life? No. Do I wish I had had a different life? Hell No. That is what love is, you accept the person, faults included. If Mysterious Ex's biggest problem is he works too much, you should be happy.

So, I don't know what to think because I know the reality of our situation and then I know how I feel. I know that when he is off doing all the things he has to do he makes me feel insignificant, as though I am what he thinks of only when he has time to think of me but, I know him and that train of thinking isn't him. I know that I mean more to him than almost anyone. I know that he loves me, I know that I am important to him and important in his life. But, even with all of that, I feel that there is an important part of our relationship missing. So, do I let him go and search for something that I think will be better or, do I stay with what I know and love and try to make that work? I mean, at this point in our relationship, the only thing that bothers me is I don't see enough of him. I feel that we don't spend enough time together, he has made significant positive changes in all other aspects of our relationship. I don't know if I am ready to let him go but, I don't know what is best for me.

The Heavenly One Needs a Man

I love my mom, I really do. I love my dad also. But, my mom needs a man. Or at least a butler of some sort. I visit my mom daily, why not? She's right up the block, she's fun 98% of the time and like I said, I love her. But, once my foot crosses the threshold of her floor, it's like I'm going to work. MY NAME do this, do that. She has a honey do list for me as soon as I get there, hence, my mom needs a man of some sort in that house. Yesterday, I dropped by to gossip about my weekend and just to hang out with her since I hadn't seen her for the weekend. "Oh", she says "I need you to do a couple of things for me." "Really", I answer "who would've guessed." "First, I want to know if you can mop my floor, my girl is off for the week." (First off, why is she calling a GROWN woman a girl? My mom sounds like those snobs in Connecticut I encountered this weekend. Second off couldn't she get a replacement?) As though that isn't enough, she also wanted me to cut her grass, make her bed, moisturize her hair (apparently her hair dresser is on vacation also) and clip her dog's nails. Uh mom, there's only 24 hours in the day, come on. So, she needs a man, I don't care if she dates him or not, she just needs someone in there to get some of this stuff done.

So, Mysterious Ex has reverted to his old self. He has not quite stopped speaking to me, I think he knows a little better than to do that but, yesterday he called while I was at THO's house and left me this sick, sad message. Usually, his messages are along the lines of "Hey baby, was just giving you a call, hope you and Sam are okay, maybe I'll try you on your cell, love you, bye". If I don't call him back within two or three hours, he may call me again with a similar message or try my cell, even though I rarely carry it. Yesterday's message was more along the lines of (as dead and un lively sounding as humanly possible) "Hey, it's me. I guess I'll call you later." Click. I came home late as THO and I were watching this old '50s movie called The Bad Seed which was pretty good. So, I didn't call him back and he did not call me. I am not normally an advice seeker but I will take it if someone offers it. My cousin T, who I find to be a very pulled together person says that I should just date other people. I am honestly thinking that I should. M.E. and I have talked and talked and talked. Even though we think we do, maybe we just have different ideas of what a good relationship is. The thing is, M.E. and I come from very similar familial backgrounds, (even though is family is WAY better off financially, and my mom and dad were no slouches). We are both the babies or our families even though he is like 7 years older than me. All of his brothers have wives and children and he says he wants the same. My family loves him and his loves me. We are bothe intelligent forward thinking people. Theoretically, we should be able to make this work.

As I am getting older, I want a more solid relationship. I want to be apart of something that is building up towards marriage and family. He claims that is what he wants but, I don't see it. I don't see him (despite his positive changes) moving towards what I want. Maybe I don't feel he's moving fast enough, I'm not sure which. He works this job that takes like 12 hours or so of his time daily. In addition to that, he is putting together a studio and he loves to make music. I am supportive of him but, it is having a negative affect on US. His job takes him away every so often for a week or two at a time. In addition to all of this, I mentioned that I might want to get my PhD over the weekend. He says, "I've been thinking about going back to school more and more lately". WHAT? NOW he wants to get his Masters, come on! I mean, if that is a decision he feels he wants to make then of course it's positive, I would be supportive but then I think, he's 33, not 23 or even in his twenties. When does he expect to do this? If he wants us to be together (which is the thought process he has), how does he expect us to survive his job, his studio, and his classes especially since we are not in a good place (at least in my eyes)? The classes that I am going to be taking are in the summer, during the day. Even the principal's program that I have entered has a regular teaching job schedule so my plans do not interfere with US. My doctor has given me a time frame of the next 4 - 5 years to become pregnant, and that is something that I want to and am going to do with or without him. None of his plans fit into mine. It is as though we are living these very independent existences and then just mesh our (or rather for the time being his) schedule into some kind of coordinating fashion. Maybe we are not together on our scope for the future, who knows. And that, to me, is one of the most important things right now. My career is figured out. With this new job I am taking and entering the principal's program, my financial and career life is figured out. I have accomplished what I set out to do. Between my salary, the houses and land and stocks my dad has left me, I can luckily say that I am independent, able to provide for myself or any children I decide to have. I won't have to depend on anyone financially. Now, I would like to concentrate on my personal life. I would like to find a partner and start a family. I mean, if it's something I'll have to do on my own, I am willing to take on that responsibility, but, I would prefer to be with a partner, I would prefer to be someone's wife AND mother.

Last night I had the weirdest dream where my dad, an old family friend and an aunt were present. The thing is, all of these people are dead. It was actually a pleasant if not slightly confusing dream where loads of people from my family, both my mom and dad's side were present. Our house was huge, way huger (if that's a word) than it really is and there were palm trees growing along the side walks even though there was snow on the streets. I had a little sister (which I don't) who stuck to me and she and I were wandering around the house looking for someone who had forged my signature on a job application. We finally found these people, who actually turned out to be my cousin T and her sister and brother and then I proceeded to slap all of them while they laughed at me. I then tried to get back to my bedroom with this little sister of mine in tow and we came to this glass room that had dead people in caskets (these people I could only assume were family members) when I asked my little sister about them, she said they had alsways been there and that I was acting silly. Since the house was so big, we had to walk a long distance to get back to my room and we kept passing these rooms full of family members having these individual parties even though it seemed as though they were all there for some big party. I recognized a lot of people in the rooms and some people were like made up people even though in the dream I knew I was related to them. It was very strange and so realistic. When I woke up, I was really like wow. I dont' like having such weird dreams.

I guess things went well enough

I cannot nomplain to much about this weekend. That sounds VERY negative, let me focus on the positive first.

Mysterious Ex and I didn't argue, well we had one tiny "disagreement" when we got back so I'm not sure if that counts or not. Mysterious Ex, Sam and I stayed at his family's summer home and he finally convinced me to go for a ride on HIS boat (did not know the boat was M.E.'s until this weekend, he always referred to it as "THE" boat), by the way, boating is very scary, I probably won't do that again, though Sam LOVED it. We spent a lot of time together doing nothing, which was cool. Basically, other than the boating and going to the beach and out to dinner, we sat around in our undies reading, listening to music, talking, laughing and dancing oh, and scaring people (more on that later). It was nice to just hang together, I really LIKE M.E. other than the love thing, he really is a great person, he's so funny and smart and sweet, I thoroughly enjoy being with him and he and Sam, as always get along wonderfully.

M.E. is going away for work on Wednesday, when we came back last night, I asked him, "Am I going to see you before you go?" he anwsered, "Do you want to see me?" I was a little taken a back because I expected his answer to be "of course". I guess he felt our spending the weekend together was enough. I told him, "Don't over extend yourself. If you feel that you've seen enough of me then by all means, don't make an effort to see me, it isn't that big of a deal, forget it". I then told him that I don't see him enough, I told him that he thinks things are great between us because we have a successful weekend but successful weekends do not a relationship make. He sighed in the "oh here we go again" fashion and so I just looked at him. He asked me (and I think he was being serious) "you don't think we see each other enough?" without hesitation I answered "NO!" He then asked (this is one of his favorite questions and personally, I abhore when he says this) "Is that the truth?" I just looked at him, "are you SERIOUS!?" I asked him. When it really comes down to it, we only see each other a few times a month, sure we're on the phone ALL OF THE TIME, but again, a PHONE relationship does not a REAL relationship make." I then added (and this is was got him) "You're very busy with your life and your job and your studio, I tell you all of the time and you never seem to realize that you are too busy for US. If you feel that you don't have time, just tell me because it isn't normal, and this entire thing is nor fair to me. I'm committed to you for WHAT?" He then shut down (as is M.E.'s fashion) he stod there for a long time not saying anything then he said "I'm going to go, there is a lot of traffic going out to the island and I don't want to be stuck in it for longer than I have to" I said, "okay". When we got to the door, he asked me "so, can I call you later?" I asked him, "why are you asking me? Of course you can, that isn't what I was getting at" We kissed and he left. I told him to call me when he got home so that I would know he got there safely but, he didn't call. I called him later and he said he wasn't in the talking mood, as is old M.E. fashion. The thing is, if I don't tell him what's bothering me, he makes a huge issue out of it, he tells me I'm not opening up to him, I'm not letting him in, I'm keeping things from him but, if I tell him the thing that is bothering me is us, he gets upset and does this whole "don't feel like talking" or in the past, just stop talking to me thing. He is so weird at times and this isn't something that I feel I can or should have to deal with. When you love someone I know that it includes all of their fucked upedness but, when it is NOT okay to deal with their shit?

My cousin T suggested that I should just start dating other people. She feels that I have exhausted my efforts on M.E. I too feel that way often but, I love him, as sick and sad and ridiculous as that sounds. I don't know why I feel it is my job to stick by him and see this thing out. We have no formal commitment to one another, he doesn't even feel that there is anything wrong with the amount of time we spend together. I feel that in itself says a lot.

Being the anal chick that I can sometimes be, I just added up that I have seen M.E. 12 times since April 8. That is 90 days. In 90 days I have seen him 12 times.


About the scaring people thing. I don't want to be racist but, higher income white people are so stupid. They think that because your skin tone is darker, there can be no possible way that you can live the way they do. On the beach this weekend, there was a group of small rowdy white children, a woman walked over TO ME, mind you there were LOTS of people on this beach and actually asked me "what family are you with?" As in, who's nanny are you? I looked at her and asked (in my perfect standard American english) "what ever are you speaking about?" Mind you, I was on the beach, NO WHERE NEAR these children, with my little expensive dog (who was wearing a tank top and had a playpen, just to give you a glimpse of the snooty factor I was living up to). I had a huge SINGLE beach towel, a small bag containing sun block, water, fruit and the book I was reading (John Irving's Hotel New Hampshire), I was attired in a lovely suit, great straw beach hat and dashing (expensive) shades, a nanny, I was not dressed as. She then repeated herself in a louder voice, (I was of course a lowly dumb nigger in her eyes) "What family are you with? There is a group of children over there misbehaving" (she pointed in the direction of the children because of course, my inferior nigger eyes couldn't see the children kickng balls and sand in the midst of the crowd). I kindly let her know I was not a nanny and that I found her assumption of my career to be insensitive and racist. I let her know that I, like she, was enjoying my weekend away from the city and then suggested she find a nanny and/or a parent post haste. I then added that instead of wasting her time bothering visitors like myself, maybe she should move her set up away from the unruly children. I then kindly smiled at her, and went back to reading my book. (M.E. doesn't like the beach past the boardwalk and I tell you, she was LUCKY because he would not have spoken to her so kindly). The funny thing is later that day, we were boating and I saw her with who I presumed was her spouse on a boat WAY smaller and older than M.E.'s. I waved at her and asked her how whe was enjoying her vacation at which she just literally, stared, mouth wide open.

The next day, we went to dinner (this restaurant is of the $150 + per person variety, not including drinks or dessert). The owners and workers were very nice because of course we are spending so much money. They sat us at a wonderful table and M.E. and I (showing my conceit) looked fabulous. I was wearing this black and white print off the shoulder 50's style dress (think Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy). This dress had a pink belt around the waist and a small pink flower at the clavicle. I wore a pair of pink Jimmy Choo - like shoes (I WILL NOT pay 500 dollars for a pair of shoes, that's just stupid) and wore my pink Lous Vuitton Murakami Papillon (thanks mom!). M.E. wore a dark gray suit and perfectly coordinated to me light pink shirt and tie and he had on these great cuff links I bought him for Christmas. Read, we didn't look thuggish, or unruly, or poor, actually, we were one of the best dressed couples at the restaurant. Upon being seated, this woman and her husband/boyfriend turned and stared right at us like "oh god, they're here too?" M.E. being the funny and suave kind of guy he is goes "hey, how's it going?" They just looked at him and us like we had four heads and continued eating their meal. Then, the woman to the other side of us MOVED HER POCKETBOOK! from the edge of the table where it was to the other side of the table! It was the funniest thing in the world! Had we been in a McDonalds or Burger King instead of that place, I probably would have cursed her out. But instead, I settled for a hushed but loud enough for her to hear us tones, "Is she serious? First off, I'm not snatching and running in four inch heels, second of all what is that bag, plastic, she's got to be kidding, it cost about as much as my undies did." M.E. then asked if we could be moved because of the "low rent element" (he actually used those words which I found fantastically funny) and we had a wonderful meal including for me, a half a bottle of something very close to strawberry champagne (can't pronounce it, something like gerwischwitzer or something) and a wonderful chocolate strawberry cake) Mmmm, chocolate cake.

church on vacation

writing from cell phone forgive punctuation - lack of- here we are in connecticut on a mini vacation of sorts and mysterious ex has to go to church cut it out please i had a cousin who did that no matter where we were she had to go to kingdom hall once we went to boston for the weekend this is when we were in college she had to call around looking for a kingdom hall to attend goddess forbid he doesn't go to church does he think the world will end i dont know what im getting into