Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.
For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.
Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.
I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.
3.11.2006
3.09.2006
My Sister What is Up?
Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.
One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.
The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?
As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.
Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie
Cloud Nine
"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".
"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".
"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."
"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."
One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.
The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?
As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.
Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie
Cloud Nine
"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".
"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".
"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."
"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."
3.07.2006
Meal Post
Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.
Breakfast:
6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola
Snack
4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes
Lunch
Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing
2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix
20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade
Snack
2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple
Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)
a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit
Breakfast:
6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola
Snack
4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes
Lunch
Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing
2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix
20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade
Snack
2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple
Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)
a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit
3.06.2006
Wow, Again.
I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.
Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.
So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.
Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.
So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.
So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.
Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.
So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
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