Ughh! Slammed my finger in the window tonight and it hurts like fuck! I am weak, I called M.E. and told him I want to see him, I'm choosing to tell myself it's a closure thing. I believe it's a closure thing, maybe I'll just call the whole thing off before it takes place.

Boy, I LOVE Fridays. Class lets out early, I don't have anything to do but sit around, I guess life is good. I've decided to go out into the world. I've been doing a lot of staying home lately because
#1 I was unemployed
#2 I didn't have much money
#3 I was "being respectful" to Mysterious Ex.
Now that I have a job I have decided to spend some of my tenant's rent money in order to make my life more fun. I think it might be the irresponsible thing to do but, hey, you only live once, right? I'm hoping and praying nothing will go wrong in this house though, even though I'm sure it won't because I do plan on enjoying myself for the rest of the summer. First, I think I'll do a little shopping. Nothing big or extreme, I just need to cheer myself up a bit. I have no class next week, so I think I might go away. My brother and I own a timeshre type subscription to this company that allows you to stay at a set number of hotels, resorts, villas, around the world, I think I might take a trip. I just need to do something different than I have been doing lately, I need to get out of the house and enjoy myself more. I actually ran into this guy today that I used to like when I was in college. I never dated him because I was seriously dating someone at the time. We exchanged numbers so we'll see. I'm not trying to jump into a relationship right away though. I know I had plenty of "me time" when I was with M.E. but still, I just need to detox myself. Going to THO's house, she making Mocha Lattes.

Mysterious Ex called and urged on by The Heavenly One, I spoke to him even though I knew I should not have. He told me he's known for some time that I was unhappy and that he too isn't happy because he can't make me happy. He went on to say that he loves me and cares for me and wants us to continue to see one another but things wouldn't really change much. He says and I quote, "there's always something, if it isn't work, it's my family". I, admittedly am not queen of the quick come backs and especiall when dealing with such deep emotional issues, need a bit of time to process and then respond to information. However I told him that the way things were was not good enough for me and that I cannot, as I told him the other day, continue with him. I told him, we have done this a few times, none of this information is new to you, you know how I feel. He asked if he could call me, I told him no and we hung up. I've cried a few times since I've spoken to him and the thing that sits in my mind most is if he loves me, if he cares for me, if I am important to him, why is it so difficult for him to change things and make me more of a priority in his life? People at his job have been quittin left and right since they are demanding so much of their workers but he stays. Not that I am saying he should quit his job but, I just don't understand. His family is such a priority, I don't understand that. It's as though he is the person in the family who must do everything but, he must like that. All of his brothers are married and have children but, does he not want that? If they are not so concerned with his uncles and aunts and cousins and etc., why is he? It's like if anyone in his family needs anything HE has to be the one do everything for everyone. Why am I so expendable to him?

Feeling lazy and crazy today. After class, which let out early today, I went to buy a dress which I fell in love with and decided I had to have. When I saw it Wednesday, it was 157.99, I of course didn't want to spend that much money, but I decided it was TOO cute to pass up. Went to buy it today, and got it for 67 dollars. How is this possible, I'm not sure, there was no sign saying the dress was on sale, that's just the way the sales girl rang it up, needless to say I high tailed it out of the store and won't be going back there for a few weeks. Sice it was under a hundred dollars, I didn't even have to pay tax for it. That kicks ass.

Gave Samson a bath like an hour ago and cut his hair ridiculously short. I have kept Sam's hair long ever since I got him and everyone always thinks he is a girl. Today I decided to de - bitch Sam and give him a rocker's edge. I used Billy Idol circa 198? as my inspiration.

Well, it is done. I do not feel as bad as I thought I would, I guess because it is still new and possibly because I have lots of stuff to keep me busy but, it is done and I guess I feel kind of good. I just couldn't continue to be a part of that whole thing with M.E. It was very unfair to me and not working for my benefit.

It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot! It's rididculous. I being a fat girl am quite angry about all of the heat, I just can't take it. The cat is hot, Sam is hot, I am hot and thanks to all of NYC being hot, our electricity is doing this weird looks like there might be a black out twitchy thing which isn't very comforting to be witness to especially since my flashlights need batteries. Note to self: must buy batteries tomorrow.

This week's class is Diagnosing and Remediation of Literacy Problems. What joy! Lucky me, I have ANOTHER presentation and ANOTHER paper to write. Damn my ambitions.