Well, here I am on yet another Saturday alone. My cousin T (the unpregnant one) has invited me to a party that I will probably attend. Mysterious Ex got his truck back this morning but hasn't really made mention of seeing me though he called me three times today. He vaguely mentioned us doing something tomorrow after church (you would swear church were a source of life for him) but I doubt I want to do anything with him. Again, I come last and EVERYTHING else is more important than me. I have for days, actually more than a week just been waiting for this damn wedding to be over so that this bullshit he and I are going through can be over. I really just no longer have the time, energy, patience or want to try and have a relationship with him. It is all just fruitless to me. I dread having to go back into the world of dating, having to meet new people and go on stupid dates but, I guess that is what I am going to have to do in order to find what it is I want, if I happen to find that at all. I don't want to be depressed or bummed out by this, I have been on this feministic hurrah for the last few days so I am trying to stay on that note of positivity.
My doctor has given me a 4 -5 window to try and conceive. Apparently, the fibroids I have are not in the nost ideal location and since removing them may do damage to my uterus and complicate my fertility, he is just going to leave them where they are and watch that they do not grow too big. He wants to me come to him like every three months or so in order to chart their progress so I guess he is quite serious. I mentioned all of this to M.E. and though he seemed very concerned about me when he stole his cousin's car the other day, this news seemed not to affect him as much. He sometimes seems like such a weird person to me. Like he seems as though he so concerned but then when I tell him what the cause of my pain is it's just like "oh". Is he afraid that I want him to impregnate me? Does he think that I will be on some, "let's hurry up and get married" kind of thing? I'm not sure. I know that my patience with him grows thinner than ever and that many times when he and I are speaking, I just want to yell, "shut the fuck up already, just shut up!" I know that I get very agitated with him. I know that very often I am quite curt with him but truthfully, I don't care. I'm tired of caring about his feelings. I'm tired of this entire situation.
The party that I am invited to tonight is being given by this girl who bought a house in my neighborhood. Early last year, I had a Sex and the City party since it was the end of the show and some of the products I was selling through my now defunct business were being featured on the show. One of the people who came to the party was this girl (I really don't know her, she's literally a friend of a friend of my cousin's). Anyhoo, this girl apparently liked my house so much, she bought one righ tin my neighborhood. She asked my cousin to invite me to her party tonight. I don't know if I am entirely in the partying and mingling mood but, I AM tired of being in the house. The party doesn't start until about 10 so I have a few more hours to decide if I want to go or not.
For years, I have met some fucked up guys who have wanted to spend loads of time with me, but now that I've met someone that I actually WANT to spend time with, he never seems to have time or doesn't want to make time for me. I am angry at myself for being a weak woman. I am angry at myself for feeling as though I need to take someone with me to this stupid wedding. I am angry at myself for selling me so short. I am angry at myself for so many reasons. Angry for accepting so little, angry for selling myself short, angry for making myself so available in the past, angry for always willing to give up pieces of myself to make something work, I am angry for being so willing to forgive and accept time and time again. I am supposed to be strong, I am supposed to be independent and free. I am supposed to know what I am worth, I am supposed to be able to make it on my own. I am not supposed to be this: sad, lonely and weak. I hate those parts of myself. I hate that I love someone who is not here and who is such an asshole to me.
6.18.2005
6.17.2005
Uggh! It isn't even my wedding and I'm dreading it.
My cousin is getting married next Saturday. Actually, that isn't true. My cousin is ALREADY married and is having a WEDDING next Saturday. Why is she having a wedding if she's already married you might ask. I'm not really sure, I can't answer that one for you. Any way my cousin is having a wedding which apparently anyone who has ever laid eyes on her or even blinked in her direction is invited to, that is to say, EVERYONE will be there. I am not really looking forward to this wedding. My immediate family, my mom, brother, and one of my sisters (actually, I have another brother but he's more like my half brother since he is from my dad's first short lived marriage but I don't talk to him much and see him even less which is why I always never really mention him as being my brother even though he technically is) is okay. (My other sister is a dillweed but that's an entirely different story). It's my extended family that is a problem. My mom has four sisters who we all call rather unimagintively (spelling?) The Sisters. The Sisters have between them about 30 children, most of who have some serious issues. I mean on paper, my family is cool, most are college and higher graduates, have great/good jobs, wives/husbands/children and houses and are law abiding citizens (note I said MOST, we do have a few alchies, druggies and no goodies among the mix) but in person, these folks are nuts. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE getting together with The Sister's children, excluding the children brought into the world by my mother of course. Actually, that isn't entirely true either. Out of the 30 or so of us, I regularly speak to two, my cousins T and T who I refer to, (Her Holiness, the pregnant one and the more frequently mentioned currently not pregnant one). Then there are about four that are okay but whom I really don't speak to often for no particular reason (maybe because they are a lot older) and the rest are nuts. At this wedding next week, I can almost guarantee any of the following will happen (this guarantee is based on past experience and though will likely happen, is not entirely certain to occur)
#1 Someone will get drunk and curse his/her mother/father/uncle/aunt/sister/brother/significant other/child and or date out. This will happen either in the middle of the reception when everyone is seemingly enjoying themselves or as everyone is getting ready to go home. On rare occassions, it has occurred during BOTH times.
#2 Someone will find out some deep dark family secret, it will spread through the entire family and then someone will cry. Family secrets exposed in the past (I'm not making this up): (note that the exclamation point at the end is added to lend to the element of surprise associated with finding out about said deep dark family secret).
a) ____________ (Insert name) is not your mother!
b) ____________ (Insert name) is not your father!
c) ____________ (Insert name) IS your mother!
d) ____________ (Insert name) IS your father!
e) ____________ (Insert name) your father/mother STOLE that money/was a drug dealer/bootlegger, etc. ! (meaning your family fortune was acquired through less desirable ways then say the family store that you believed said wealth was to have come from)
f) ____________ (Insert name) you're adopted!
g) ____________ (Insert name) you're not your mother's/father's first born _______ is. (Sometimes the actual first born will also be present lending to a spectacular family reunion)
h) ____________ (Insert name) your mother/father/uncle/ mama's friend SPENT that money! (meaning your inheritance has quickly plummeted to zero, guess you won't be retiring in two years after all and say bye bye to that second weekend home!)
Various other secrets beyond my comprehension and realm of thought at this time are likely to come out.
#3 Someone will get beat up. There is a very small and oft forgotten about sect of my family that didn't go to college (or high school for that matter) and didn't learn basic etiquette. This sect will invariably get up, scream, shout, fight, and curse out anyone who looks at them weird, steps on their shoes, dances with "their woman/man" or gives them one less meatball/chicken breast/napkin then anyone else. Often under the influence of alcohol, someone will suffer at their hands.
#4 Something will get stolen. This same sect (see above) often feel that since you (not being of their sect) have something they don't you can as they put it "afford it" meaning you can afford to lose it. Many a camcorder/camera/pocketbook/lipstick/compact have been lost and never recovered around these people. It has never been proven that they were indeed the culprits but let's just say things don't disappear when they aren't around.
#5 Someone will get kicked out. (see #'s 3 and 4) As a result of their behavior, someone usually gets kicked out.
#6 Someone will feel slighted and run off into the night balling his/hers eyes out. This happens more often than not. Example:
Invited Family Member: Aunt Lillie's table has three flowers in their centerpiece and ours only has two
Family Member Who Organized Event: Every other table is like that. It's meant to be asthetically pleasing.
IFM: Why my table gotta be the steckilly (or some other ruining of the word) table?! You always like they family more than mine.
FMWOE: That isn't true, we just wanted it to look nice, it's done for balance more than anything.
IFM: Uh, uh. Y'all always be doing that shit! Like we ain' good enough for y'all. We tired that shit. Y'all uppity.
FMWOE: I'm sorry you feel that way. It was really just a random thing we didn't purposefully put the two flower centerpiece on your table. It's just a decoration.
IFM: My famlee ain't gotta take this shit, we leavin'. (Crying family members proceed to run out of the door, threatening people and vowing never to come to another family event ever sometimes table and chairs are tossed about in the melee but more often, middle fingers are the only things being tossed about)
So, you can see why I'm not looking forward to such an event. That and I'm really not in the mood to hear:
"you got fat",
"you gettin' BIG girl",
"when YOU gon' have a baby?",
"this yo' man?",
"where yo' babies girl?",
"you ain' gettin' no younga baby, what cho (you) waitin' on?"
"babies don' grow on trees you kno'"
"you STILL livin' OVER THERE by YO' SELF?" (mind you "over there" is a three story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a eat in kitchen, dining room, finished basement, two yards and $1,500 a month in rent from tenants, but hey I'm BY MY SELF! the horror!)
"pretty girl like you? where yo' husband?"
"you STILL a TEACHER?" (as in, MY son's a lawyer, or MY daughter's a doctor or why aren't you Super Intendent of NYC public schools yet loser?)
My brother and I have been discussing it for weeks and today, I will prep Mysterious Ex. I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
#1 Someone will get drunk and curse his/her mother/father/uncle/aunt/sister/brother/significant other/child and or date out. This will happen either in the middle of the reception when everyone is seemingly enjoying themselves or as everyone is getting ready to go home. On rare occassions, it has occurred during BOTH times.
#2 Someone will find out some deep dark family secret, it will spread through the entire family and then someone will cry. Family secrets exposed in the past (I'm not making this up): (note that the exclamation point at the end is added to lend to the element of surprise associated with finding out about said deep dark family secret).
a) ____________ (Insert name) is not your mother!
b) ____________ (Insert name) is not your father!
c) ____________ (Insert name) IS your mother!
d) ____________ (Insert name) IS your father!
e) ____________ (Insert name) your father/mother STOLE that money/was a drug dealer/bootlegger, etc. ! (meaning your family fortune was acquired through less desirable ways then say the family store that you believed said wealth was to have come from)
f) ____________ (Insert name) you're adopted!
g) ____________ (Insert name) you're not your mother's/father's first born _______ is. (Sometimes the actual first born will also be present lending to a spectacular family reunion)
h) ____________ (Insert name) your mother/father/uncle/ mama's friend SPENT that money! (meaning your inheritance has quickly plummeted to zero, guess you won't be retiring in two years after all and say bye bye to that second weekend home!)
Various other secrets beyond my comprehension and realm of thought at this time are likely to come out.
#3 Someone will get beat up. There is a very small and oft forgotten about sect of my family that didn't go to college (or high school for that matter) and didn't learn basic etiquette. This sect will invariably get up, scream, shout, fight, and curse out anyone who looks at them weird, steps on their shoes, dances with "their woman/man" or gives them one less meatball/chicken breast/napkin then anyone else. Often under the influence of alcohol, someone will suffer at their hands.
#4 Something will get stolen. This same sect (see above) often feel that since you (not being of their sect) have something they don't you can as they put it "afford it" meaning you can afford to lose it. Many a camcorder/camera/pocketbook/lipstick/compact have been lost and never recovered around these people. It has never been proven that they were indeed the culprits but let's just say things don't disappear when they aren't around.
#5 Someone will get kicked out. (see #'s 3 and 4) As a result of their behavior, someone usually gets kicked out.
#6 Someone will feel slighted and run off into the night balling his/hers eyes out. This happens more often than not. Example:
Invited Family Member: Aunt Lillie's table has three flowers in their centerpiece and ours only has two
Family Member Who Organized Event: Every other table is like that. It's meant to be asthetically pleasing.
IFM: Why my table gotta be the steckilly (or some other ruining of the word) table?! You always like they family more than mine.
FMWOE: That isn't true, we just wanted it to look nice, it's done for balance more than anything.
IFM: Uh, uh. Y'all always be doing that shit! Like we ain' good enough for y'all. We tired that shit. Y'all uppity.
FMWOE: I'm sorry you feel that way. It was really just a random thing we didn't purposefully put the two flower centerpiece on your table. It's just a decoration.
IFM: My famlee ain't gotta take this shit, we leavin'. (Crying family members proceed to run out of the door, threatening people and vowing never to come to another family event ever sometimes table and chairs are tossed about in the melee but more often, middle fingers are the only things being tossed about)
So, you can see why I'm not looking forward to such an event. That and I'm really not in the mood to hear:
"you got fat",
"you gettin' BIG girl",
"when YOU gon' have a baby?",
"this yo' man?",
"where yo' babies girl?",
"you ain' gettin' no younga baby, what cho (you) waitin' on?"
"babies don' grow on trees you kno'"
"you STILL livin' OVER THERE by YO' SELF?" (mind you "over there" is a three story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a eat in kitchen, dining room, finished basement, two yards and $1,500 a month in rent from tenants, but hey I'm BY MY SELF! the horror!)
"pretty girl like you? where yo' husband?"
"you STILL a TEACHER?" (as in, MY son's a lawyer, or MY daughter's a doctor or why aren't you Super Intendent of NYC public schools yet loser?)
My brother and I have been discussing it for weeks and today, I will prep Mysterious Ex. I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
6.16.2005
Why am I so greedy?
Eaten Today:
A bunch of shit
Exercise: Walked about three miles
Bought: Contact fluid, herb plants
Hours on Phone: a little more than one
Resumes: none (not sure if I am going to send out any more
So, after a week of not eating, I decided today to "treat" myself. I bought a bunch of my favorite bad foods and then proceeded to wash them down with a milkshake. What a horrible, horrible, terrible idea. I have been in and out of the bathroom all night. On top of that, I don't think my body likes that kind of food anymore. Instead of feeling like, "wow, that was good!" I feel more along the lines of "what the fuck did I just do to myself?" Needless to say, I think this will be my last pig out session for a long, long time. Not eating or rather eating very little is not as bad as it seems. I do miss my peanut butter everything cookies, and I definitely miss the smell of having something baking in the oven, but I got so sick tonight, I'd rather miss my cookies then have my head and butt in the toilet because of them.
I went to the gyn o today because I've ben having these weird pains in my uterus. my symptoms were very much like endometriosis, spinning me into weird infertility thoughts, it turns out I have fibroids which while not the greatest thing to have, are definitely better than having endometriosis. I told Mysterious Ex I was sad yesterday and not really feeling well and he rushed right over, he basically stole his cousins car so that he could get here. I felt so bad because it has totally been my intention to break up with him because I was so upset but then I think my god, how can I break up with him? How many men would steal a car (even though it belonged to a family member) just to come see if you are doing okay? Plus, I have to go to my cousin's wedding next week so we'll see after that. I'm so flippant at times, that something I don't really like about myself.
The Heavenly One and I had a pretty cool night. We watched movies together, ate a bunch of junk food and then both got sick. Let's just say I'm glad my mom has two bathrooms in her house because there would have been trouble.
Since most of my plants died in the great freeze out/heatwave of '05, I bought some new plants today. It was kind of upsetting because the plants I grew were really cool varieties like zebra, orange, striped, black and purple tomatoes along with some raspberry corn and purple cauliflower and now I'm growing regular run of the mill red tomatoes and white cauliflower. Ah, guess I won't be able to impress the neighbors with my wonderful back yard skills this year. I'm really tired, I've had a long and quite sickly day.
A bunch of shit
Exercise: Walked about three miles
Bought: Contact fluid, herb plants
Hours on Phone: a little more than one
Resumes: none (not sure if I am going to send out any more
So, after a week of not eating, I decided today to "treat" myself. I bought a bunch of my favorite bad foods and then proceeded to wash them down with a milkshake. What a horrible, horrible, terrible idea. I have been in and out of the bathroom all night. On top of that, I don't think my body likes that kind of food anymore. Instead of feeling like, "wow, that was good!" I feel more along the lines of "what the fuck did I just do to myself?" Needless to say, I think this will be my last pig out session for a long, long time. Not eating or rather eating very little is not as bad as it seems. I do miss my peanut butter everything cookies, and I definitely miss the smell of having something baking in the oven, but I got so sick tonight, I'd rather miss my cookies then have my head and butt in the toilet because of them.
I went to the gyn o today because I've ben having these weird pains in my uterus. my symptoms were very much like endometriosis, spinning me into weird infertility thoughts, it turns out I have fibroids which while not the greatest thing to have, are definitely better than having endometriosis. I told Mysterious Ex I was sad yesterday and not really feeling well and he rushed right over, he basically stole his cousins car so that he could get here. I felt so bad because it has totally been my intention to break up with him because I was so upset but then I think my god, how can I break up with him? How many men would steal a car (even though it belonged to a family member) just to come see if you are doing okay? Plus, I have to go to my cousin's wedding next week so we'll see after that. I'm so flippant at times, that something I don't really like about myself.
The Heavenly One and I had a pretty cool night. We watched movies together, ate a bunch of junk food and then both got sick. Let's just say I'm glad my mom has two bathrooms in her house because there would have been trouble.
Since most of my plants died in the great freeze out/heatwave of '05, I bought some new plants today. It was kind of upsetting because the plants I grew were really cool varieties like zebra, orange, striped, black and purple tomatoes along with some raspberry corn and purple cauliflower and now I'm growing regular run of the mill red tomatoes and white cauliflower. Ah, guess I won't be able to impress the neighbors with my wonderful back yard skills this year. I'm really tired, I've had a long and quite sickly day.
6.15.2005
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: 1 cup of rice krispies, 1/2 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of apple cider (I was very hungry and it only came out to 190 caloires)
So, I know I saw my clavacle last week but now it is almost sticking out the way it used to. I've really only lost a few pounds but it has made a bit of a difference wardrobe wise. I had a pimple like a huge, fat, mosquito bite sized pimple in the little pocket behind my knee (whatever that is called) how something like that gets back there anyway, I'm not sure but there it was, shiny and gross and white. needless to say, I popped it and it was really, really gross. The weird thing about it was I didn't feel it or see it until like yesterday right before I performed minor surgery on myself. Ewwww, gross pimple thingy.
I have decided to have a long talk/possibly ending things with Mysterious Ex. I've mad index cards and everything summarizing all of the points I'd like to address so that I don't forget anything. I think I was too emotional to speak directly about it to him the other day so now, I am ready. I think. I hope.
Samson and I need to get out more often. We walk regularly and of course we are always going over to THO's house but this morning we were outside and this older lady across the street calls me across the street. I've known this lady since I was like 6. She tells me, "Child, I thought you moved, I haven't seen you in so long". I told her, "No, I live here, I've been here steadily for the last couple of years." She then says, "then you need to get out here more often, look how BIG you've gotten". My answer, as truly I can only answer an elderly woman who has been friends with my parent's for 30+ years was, "Okay". I can't even bring myself to think mean thoughts about her though I must admit I was more amused than hurt. Actually, I don't think I was hurt at all.
Breakfast: 1 cup of rice krispies, 1/2 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of apple cider (I was very hungry and it only came out to 190 caloires)
So, I know I saw my clavacle last week but now it is almost sticking out the way it used to. I've really only lost a few pounds but it has made a bit of a difference wardrobe wise. I had a pimple like a huge, fat, mosquito bite sized pimple in the little pocket behind my knee (whatever that is called) how something like that gets back there anyway, I'm not sure but there it was, shiny and gross and white. needless to say, I popped it and it was really, really gross. The weird thing about it was I didn't feel it or see it until like yesterday right before I performed minor surgery on myself. Ewwww, gross pimple thingy.
I have decided to have a long talk/possibly ending things with Mysterious Ex. I've mad index cards and everything summarizing all of the points I'd like to address so that I don't forget anything. I think I was too emotional to speak directly about it to him the other day so now, I am ready. I think. I hope.
Samson and I need to get out more often. We walk regularly and of course we are always going over to THO's house but this morning we were outside and this older lady across the street calls me across the street. I've known this lady since I was like 6. She tells me, "Child, I thought you moved, I haven't seen you in so long". I told her, "No, I live here, I've been here steadily for the last couple of years." She then says, "then you need to get out here more often, look how BIG you've gotten". My answer, as truly I can only answer an elderly woman who has been friends with my parent's for 30+ years was, "Okay". I can't even bring myself to think mean thoughts about her though I must admit I was more amused than hurt. Actually, I don't think I was hurt at all.
6.14.2005
Day 6 and 9 Pounds Lighter
How does one lose 3 pounds in a day? I'm not sure, I was trying to figure that out myself. I know that I put on a skirt I wasn't able to wear last year, and I know that the capri pants I had on today didn't fit this well two weeks ago. I was actually very afraid at the three pounds in a day weight loss thing. The Heavenly One thinks maybe I didn't read the scale properly yesterday or that the heat had something to do with the scale not functioning properly. Who knows.
Today's shopping trip was not as bad as I thought it would be. THO bought me a skirt that I LOVE and would definitely not hav ebought myself because frankly, my pockets are not as deep as hers. It is lovely and like any impatient person, I want to go out tonight and wear it. THO and I didn't go out to luch today. We shopped so long that we didn't really have time. My mom asked her car (yes my mother has a car, it bugs me out at times) to pick us up three hours after we started shopping and she didn't have her driver's cell number so, we went back to her house where I laid on the couch, she gossiped with her sisters on the phone, I drank apple cider and Sam and I hung out in her yard. As a side note, my mom's yard is so much nicer than mine, I've always known but today it really struck me. She has patio furniture and I have dirt, she has a nice grill and I have dirt, she has beautiful flagstone and I have dirt. I've used my yard in the past to garden but this year the only thing that hasn't died is my garlic and my green beans.
I thought The Heavenly One my be a bit sad since today is the anniversary of my dad's death and tomorrow is her wedding anniversary but she seemed fine. I thought I might take her to dinner tomorrow or at the very least cook for her but she mentioned that it wasn't something she was interested in doing. My brother may want to do something at the spur of the moment for her so I will give him a call tonight.
I haven't heard the visiting grandchildren since I've been home. I was hoping maybe they went home or possibly off the visit some other relatives, I guess I'll have to wait until around dinner time in order to see.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today even though I really didn't want to. While I was speaking to him, I just kept thinking, "What am I doing?", "Why am I putting myself through this?" I just wasn't in the mood to be bothered with him really. He drives his cousin's or his friend's car to work almost daily, on the days that he himself doesn't drive, someone picks him up. Anyway, on the days that he does drive, he makes no effort to spend time with me. I am not going to ask him to come see me or spend time with me, if that is something that he wants to do then that is something that he is going to have to do. He lives on the Island which as I said is over an hour away from me but, if he has permission to drive whoever's car back and forth to work, why doesn't he get or ask for permission to bring the vehicle near my house? He was a bit upset while we were on the phone because he tells me that I sounded bothered and that I was conversing with him in one word answers. I wanted to say, "Because you get on my fucking nerves and I'm tired of your bullshit", but of course I didn't. He then got very upset over this conversation:
Mysterious Ex: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me:"No"
Mysterious Ex: "Do you want to go out tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me: "No, it depends on how I feel tomorrow I guess"
Mysterious Ex: "You're not going to feel well tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, I might not be alive tomorrow"
Mysterious Ex: "Oh". "So you don't know if you want to go out?"
Me: "No"
Mysterious Ex: (quiet for a very long time and I know he was getting upset) "I'm going to go now"
Me: "Okay"
We hang up.
Now, what the fuck? He thinks that because he suggests we do something after not seeing me for all of this time and running and addressing every other need and every other person in his life that I am supposed to just jump for joy? "Oh yes Mysterious Ex, I am so glad that you took the time out of your busy schedule to find an evening for me. What joy! What an honor! God bless you for bestowing your time on me!" I mean give me a fucking break. Even asshole New Guy spent more time with me. I mean my God. We discussed this in depth, we talked about this before we tried again, I told him this was one of the worst parts of our relationship but like I've said many times before NOTHING HAS CHANGED. As I've said, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the outcome, the outcome is still the same. He tells me, "I don't have a car right now". No shit Sherlock but when you DID have a car guess what?, Same shit. The same shit happened in June of 2004 that is going on right now. I mean, I have been patient, I have been understanding, I have waited like a "good girlfriend" and everything is still the same. Now because you go, "Let's go out", I'm supposed to jump up, throw on my Sunday best, forget my feelings and trot out the door with you? You've got to be kidding me.
Today's shopping trip was not as bad as I thought it would be. THO bought me a skirt that I LOVE and would definitely not hav ebought myself because frankly, my pockets are not as deep as hers. It is lovely and like any impatient person, I want to go out tonight and wear it. THO and I didn't go out to luch today. We shopped so long that we didn't really have time. My mom asked her car (yes my mother has a car, it bugs me out at times) to pick us up three hours after we started shopping and she didn't have her driver's cell number so, we went back to her house where I laid on the couch, she gossiped with her sisters on the phone, I drank apple cider and Sam and I hung out in her yard. As a side note, my mom's yard is so much nicer than mine, I've always known but today it really struck me. She has patio furniture and I have dirt, she has a nice grill and I have dirt, she has beautiful flagstone and I have dirt. I've used my yard in the past to garden but this year the only thing that hasn't died is my garlic and my green beans.
I thought The Heavenly One my be a bit sad since today is the anniversary of my dad's death and tomorrow is her wedding anniversary but she seemed fine. I thought I might take her to dinner tomorrow or at the very least cook for her but she mentioned that it wasn't something she was interested in doing. My brother may want to do something at the spur of the moment for her so I will give him a call tonight.
I haven't heard the visiting grandchildren since I've been home. I was hoping maybe they went home or possibly off the visit some other relatives, I guess I'll have to wait until around dinner time in order to see.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today even though I really didn't want to. While I was speaking to him, I just kept thinking, "What am I doing?", "Why am I putting myself through this?" I just wasn't in the mood to be bothered with him really. He drives his cousin's or his friend's car to work almost daily, on the days that he himself doesn't drive, someone picks him up. Anyway, on the days that he does drive, he makes no effort to spend time with me. I am not going to ask him to come see me or spend time with me, if that is something that he wants to do then that is something that he is going to have to do. He lives on the Island which as I said is over an hour away from me but, if he has permission to drive whoever's car back and forth to work, why doesn't he get or ask for permission to bring the vehicle near my house? He was a bit upset while we were on the phone because he tells me that I sounded bothered and that I was conversing with him in one word answers. I wanted to say, "Because you get on my fucking nerves and I'm tired of your bullshit", but of course I didn't. He then got very upset over this conversation:
Mysterious Ex: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me:"No"
Mysterious Ex: "Do you want to go out tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know"
Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"
Me: "No, it depends on how I feel tomorrow I guess"
Mysterious Ex: "You're not going to feel well tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, I might not be alive tomorrow"
Mysterious Ex: "Oh". "So you don't know if you want to go out?"
Me: "No"
Mysterious Ex: (quiet for a very long time and I know he was getting upset) "I'm going to go now"
Me: "Okay"
We hang up.
Now, what the fuck? He thinks that because he suggests we do something after not seeing me for all of this time and running and addressing every other need and every other person in his life that I am supposed to just jump for joy? "Oh yes Mysterious Ex, I am so glad that you took the time out of your busy schedule to find an evening for me. What joy! What an honor! God bless you for bestowing your time on me!" I mean give me a fucking break. Even asshole New Guy spent more time with me. I mean my God. We discussed this in depth, we talked about this before we tried again, I told him this was one of the worst parts of our relationship but like I've said many times before NOTHING HAS CHANGED. As I've said, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the outcome, the outcome is still the same. He tells me, "I don't have a car right now". No shit Sherlock but when you DID have a car guess what?, Same shit. The same shit happened in June of 2004 that is going on right now. I mean, I have been patient, I have been understanding, I have waited like a "good girlfriend" and everything is still the same. Now because you go, "Let's go out", I'm supposed to jump up, throw on my Sunday best, forget my feelings and trot out the door with you? You've got to be kidding me.
6.13.2005
Day Five of the Fast and 6 Pounds Lighter
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 3 cups of popcorn and 10 croutons (I was hungry) Apple Cider
Bought: Jesus, I bought graduate courses, $2,500 worth
Hours on Phone: about 2, talked to G who is one of the strangest people sometimes
Exercise: None
Resumes: None though, I was offered another job, that's three in the past 2 weeks or so
Day five and I'm 6 pounds lighter. Is this worth it? I'm not sure yet, we'll see by the end of the month. G told me if I take a laxative every few days I can lose like three additional pounds a week. Sounds a lot like an after school or LifeTime program to me but hey, I'm grown, I'll try it, if I feel sick, I'll stop, if not, 9 pounds a week here I come. Today, just because I'm an ass, I tried on a dress that I used to wear but which ver recently would not even go down over my new humongous hips and guess what? It did not fit like it used to but, I was able to wear it. It went down over my hips and did not rise up the way skirts and dresses that are a little too tight tend to do. My stomach is the hugest it has ever been though and that shows through the dress so I have decided to do or at least attempt to do a few or more crunches a day. I am not looking forward to doing these crunches nor do I know how I am going to convince myself to do them daily but, I will try. I figure by my absurd calculations that if I eat three or four but no more meals a week, I should lose 18 pounds by the end of the month. Is this safe? I'm not sure. Is it smart probably not. But, I'm still going to do it. I have no patience to lose weight the slow and proper way. I know I'm a sicky, so what.
Why does M.E. keep calling me? Do we talk this much normally or is he just this worried? I wonder if his little mind wandered back to the days when he would do this to me. Probably not. Today, he left me the swetest message but instead of me going awwww like I guess I should've, my response was just, why is he being so sweet to me? What's wrong with him? What did he do? Yet another tragedy has occurred over at casa de M.E., apparently a tree in his yard fell. I swear, either this man is the greatest liar in the world or, he has the worst luck ever. He left me another message so that I could hear the tree take awayers revving up the motors of their chainsaws. This is yet another reason why I should break up with him, I don't want all kinds of tragedy and calamities entering my life. Imagine we get married or something and now pipes are bursting, trees are falling, I'm getting into accidents, etc. My God.
Samson and I had a rather pleasant day today. It was hot as all hell out but, we managed to sweat over to the park. We hung out with The Heavenly One and Delilah for a bit, then we came home and took a shower, individually of course. I washed my curtains, he played. I dusted, he slept. I mopped the floors, he ate. I put clothes away, he slept. I guess a good time was had by all. I am supposed to go shopping with The Heavenly One tomorrow, needless to say, I AM NOT looking forward to it. I LOVE my mom but GOD!!, I HATE HATE HATE going shopping with her. She has to look at everything 6, 7, 8, 9 times, she has to ask the saleswoman why the things in the store are so expensive when she ONLY buys expensive clothes. She has to try stuff on, over and over and over. Then she has to get accessories. After all of this, she decides she doesn't want the things, then I complain and threaten to leave her at which time she then purchases said items only to return them for the things she originally looked at. Arrrgh!! The ONLY cool thing about shopping with her is she ALWAYS lets me get a couple of things so, I can deal with all of her foolishness (though at the time believe me it is agonizing) for free clothes. Especially clothes that I would probably never buy unless they were on sale.
My tenants grandchildren are visiting. Now, my tenants are pretty nice people. I very rarely see them and even rarer hear them but they have the three LOUDEST CHILDREN EVER PUT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! My tenants apartment is 8 rooms an truthfully the only time I ever hear them is if I happen to be in the bathroom and they flush the toilet or run a bath or occassionally I may here one of them cough or sneeze if they are in the hall and I am going down to my lower level. But now all I hear is:
(don't know exactly who it is so can't give a name or even sex of child)
Child#1: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (this goes on for the entire exchange of following words)
Child#2: STOP STUPID! I HATE YOU! DUMMY! AHHHH! GRANDMA! AHHH! GRANDPA!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! (run, run, run, run) those are running noises
Female Tenant: That's not nice, stop, put that down, no, stop, say sorry, no, go sit down, watch t.v., I'm calling mommy.
Child#! (changing tone of cry) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Child#2: MINE! STOP! OW! NO! STOP! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (run, throw, jump, jump, run, throw, fall) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Male Tenant: behave, stop, no, stop, (calling wife's name rather loudly) come get these kids
Child#1: (not to be outdone) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (somehow louder than before)
Child#2: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The whole time this is going on, Sam and I look at each other then the ceiling Sam of course gets up, barks, sits down, barks, poor thing. I swear the ceiling is going to fall in. These kids are supposed to stay for half of the summer. I don't want to be rude to my tenants because like I said, they are normally nice and I can't even imagine what they are going through first hand up there so I have decided to try and tough it out. As I am writing this, all is quiet so I guess they wrestled the little monsters to bed finally.
Even though it is late, I am going to trek over to The Heavenly One's house for the night. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my dad's death and the day after is her 33 rd anniversary so I know my mom will probably not want to be alone. I guess I'll take her out to lunch after our shopping excursion. If I can drop 2500 on some classes I guess I can buck up 50 dollars to feed my mom.
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 3 cups of popcorn and 10 croutons (I was hungry) Apple Cider
Bought: Jesus, I bought graduate courses, $2,500 worth
Hours on Phone: about 2, talked to G who is one of the strangest people sometimes
Exercise: None
Resumes: None though, I was offered another job, that's three in the past 2 weeks or so
Day five and I'm 6 pounds lighter. Is this worth it? I'm not sure yet, we'll see by the end of the month. G told me if I take a laxative every few days I can lose like three additional pounds a week. Sounds a lot like an after school or LifeTime program to me but hey, I'm grown, I'll try it, if I feel sick, I'll stop, if not, 9 pounds a week here I come. Today, just because I'm an ass, I tried on a dress that I used to wear but which ver recently would not even go down over my new humongous hips and guess what? It did not fit like it used to but, I was able to wear it. It went down over my hips and did not rise up the way skirts and dresses that are a little too tight tend to do. My stomach is the hugest it has ever been though and that shows through the dress so I have decided to do or at least attempt to do a few or more crunches a day. I am not looking forward to doing these crunches nor do I know how I am going to convince myself to do them daily but, I will try. I figure by my absurd calculations that if I eat three or four but no more meals a week, I should lose 18 pounds by the end of the month. Is this safe? I'm not sure. Is it smart probably not. But, I'm still going to do it. I have no patience to lose weight the slow and proper way. I know I'm a sicky, so what.
Why does M.E. keep calling me? Do we talk this much normally or is he just this worried? I wonder if his little mind wandered back to the days when he would do this to me. Probably not. Today, he left me the swetest message but instead of me going awwww like I guess I should've, my response was just, why is he being so sweet to me? What's wrong with him? What did he do? Yet another tragedy has occurred over at casa de M.E., apparently a tree in his yard fell. I swear, either this man is the greatest liar in the world or, he has the worst luck ever. He left me another message so that I could hear the tree take awayers revving up the motors of their chainsaws. This is yet another reason why I should break up with him, I don't want all kinds of tragedy and calamities entering my life. Imagine we get married or something and now pipes are bursting, trees are falling, I'm getting into accidents, etc. My God.
Samson and I had a rather pleasant day today. It was hot as all hell out but, we managed to sweat over to the park. We hung out with The Heavenly One and Delilah for a bit, then we came home and took a shower, individually of course. I washed my curtains, he played. I dusted, he slept. I mopped the floors, he ate. I put clothes away, he slept. I guess a good time was had by all. I am supposed to go shopping with The Heavenly One tomorrow, needless to say, I AM NOT looking forward to it. I LOVE my mom but GOD!!, I HATE HATE HATE going shopping with her. She has to look at everything 6, 7, 8, 9 times, she has to ask the saleswoman why the things in the store are so expensive when she ONLY buys expensive clothes. She has to try stuff on, over and over and over. Then she has to get accessories. After all of this, she decides she doesn't want the things, then I complain and threaten to leave her at which time she then purchases said items only to return them for the things she originally looked at. Arrrgh!! The ONLY cool thing about shopping with her is she ALWAYS lets me get a couple of things so, I can deal with all of her foolishness (though at the time believe me it is agonizing) for free clothes. Especially clothes that I would probably never buy unless they were on sale.
My tenants grandchildren are visiting. Now, my tenants are pretty nice people. I very rarely see them and even rarer hear them but they have the three LOUDEST CHILDREN EVER PUT ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! My tenants apartment is 8 rooms an truthfully the only time I ever hear them is if I happen to be in the bathroom and they flush the toilet or run a bath or occassionally I may here one of them cough or sneeze if they are in the hall and I am going down to my lower level. But now all I hear is:
(don't know exactly who it is so can't give a name or even sex of child)
Child#1: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (this goes on for the entire exchange of following words)
Child#2: STOP STUPID! I HATE YOU! DUMMY! AHHHH! GRANDMA! AHHH! GRANDPA!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! (run, run, run, run) those are running noises
Female Tenant: That's not nice, stop, put that down, no, stop, say sorry, no, go sit down, watch t.v., I'm calling mommy.
Child#! (changing tone of cry) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Child#2: MINE! STOP! OW! NO! STOP! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (run, throw, jump, jump, run, throw, fall) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Male Tenant: behave, stop, no, stop, (calling wife's name rather loudly) come get these kids
Child#1: (not to be outdone) WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (somehow louder than before)
Child#2: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Child#3: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The whole time this is going on, Sam and I look at each other then the ceiling Sam of course gets up, barks, sits down, barks, poor thing. I swear the ceiling is going to fall in. These kids are supposed to stay for half of the summer. I don't want to be rude to my tenants because like I said, they are normally nice and I can't even imagine what they are going through first hand up there so I have decided to try and tough it out. As I am writing this, all is quiet so I guess they wrestled the little monsters to bed finally.
Even though it is late, I am going to trek over to The Heavenly One's house for the night. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my dad's death and the day after is her 33 rd anniversary so I know my mom will probably not want to be alone. I guess I'll take her out to lunch after our shopping excursion. If I can drop 2500 on some classes I guess I can buck up 50 dollars to feed my mom.
I'm tired of coming up with titles
Since I have decided to incubate myself, with the exception of course of The Heavenly One. I've been doing nothing but thinking. Now that I am once again gainfully employed and have a plan to put into effect, the only thing that I seem to be thinking about, you guessed it, is my situation with Mysterious Ex. I made up my mind last night to try and break up with him, I don't feel things are going well between us and it bothers me a lot. So I wake up this morning to this mail which he sent me:
I called you a few times and couldn't get you, so I am writing to make sure you are ok. I didn't have much time this weekend because of the flood to see or talk to you. I wanted to see you and I do miss you. I know you say it's not my fault, but I'm sorry anyway. About the car situation and this flood thing. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you are ok. I am keeping an optimistic view in spite of everything. I am tired but I wanted to talk to you before I went to bed. I hope you read this tonight.
Luv u
Mysterious Ex (signed by me of course)
This bothers me again. Should I just go with my decision I mean, I am unhappy. I'm unsure of what to do.
God I hope he never finds this he would be so angry with me for posting that mail.
I called you a few times and couldn't get you, so I am writing to make sure you are ok. I didn't have much time this weekend because of the flood to see or talk to you. I wanted to see you and I do miss you. I know you say it's not my fault, but I'm sorry anyway. About the car situation and this flood thing. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you are ok. I am keeping an optimistic view in spite of everything. I am tired but I wanted to talk to you before I went to bed. I hope you read this tonight.
Luv u
Mysterious Ex (signed by me of course)
This bothers me again. Should I just go with my decision I mean, I am unhappy. I'm unsure of what to do.
God I hope he never finds this he would be so angry with me for posting that mail.
6.12.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 8 ounces of hazelnut coffee, non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 1/4 of a leaf of iceburg lettuce, apple cider
Hours on phone: none
Resumes: none
Exercise: none
bought: nothing
With the exception of speaking to The Heavenly One, I have basically incubated myself all day. I have been on the verge of tears, looking up information on becoming a principal and writing in my journal. After reading past journal entries, a few emails and thinking for most of the day, I think that I should end things with Mysterious Ex. I asked him to go to a wedding with me on the 25th so I was thinking of doing it after that day but, I feel that I should do it sooner rather than later. I love M.E., I will not sit here and say that I don't but, a relationship needs a lot more than just love in order to grow, I don't feel that Mysterious Ex and I have those other elements. Much of our relationship has been me, compromising, appeasing his ego, trying to get things to go smoothly between us and truthfully, I just don't have the energy or the patience nor do I want to play that role any longer. M.E. and I have been together for a year and a half. I don't think that a relationship should be perfect and wonderful after so short a time but, I think that at the very least, it should show promise and growth. Though we do have potential, that isn't enough. I always say that I love myself. My friends tout me as being this independent, strong minded, self efficient take no shit kind of chick but the truth is, I take a lot of shit, I do. I take shit all of the time, I also put other people's needs and feelings before my own. Why do I do that? I'm a smart kind of chick, I have the right thoughts, I'll talk the women can do anything and I don't need a man bullshit anyday but when it comes down to it, I don't live it. Why is that? I'm a sucker and I'm not being true to myself. I need more, I need to feel as though I am incorporated into the person I choose to call my partner's life and I don't feel that right now, I don't think I've ever felt that with M.E. Then I began doing some really deep thinking and I realized, I'm always being fucked over, it's like I'm a magnet for bullshit. So what does this say about me? What kind of person am I really if I allow this into my life? Two years before meeting Mysterious Ex, I was involved with this real asshole, I mean someone who a LifeTime movie should have been made about, it was honestly that bad. After getting myself out of that short lived but horrendous relationship, I took more than a year off from dating. I just chilled, I didn't have sex, I didn't really go out on "date" dates, I just hung with my friends occassionally and did a lot of soul searching. I figured I had to be really fucked up or at least temporarily fucked up in order to let a man like that into my life I mean really, he was horrible. During my time off, I decided on the kind of man I wanted to be with. I seriously thought about the qualities I wanted in a man and thought about what I was going to accept and what I wasn't. When I met Mysterious Ex, it literally was like a breath of fresh air. He was such a welcome respite from the kind of bullshit I had previously let into my life so, I fell for him rather quickly. It wasn't until we were dating for months before he began acting stupid and my first inclination (which I should have followed) was "fuck this" but, I kept on. And on, and on, and on, and on and on. Now, I am in this place where I am partially angry, partially sad, partially resentful, partially fed up within myself.
I keep saying I want things between M.E. and I to work out but guess what? I also want 7 million dollars! I mean, I think it's along the same lines. I would love it if Mysterious Ex and I were able to work out our issues and have a decent wonderful relationship but, I would also love it if I lived in a world where people didn't starve and babies didn't die. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. I feel that by keeping quiet, I am doing myself a great disservice. I also don't want to go to my cousin's sedding by myself. Although, something in the back of my mind (call it Mysterious Ex's penchant for being unreliable maybe) tells me that he isn't "going to able to make it". Something tells me that an uncle will die or a car will break or he will have to fly to Nashville to sell some music crap. I see it happening. That in itself is sad. The fact that I can't reasonably rely on the man who is supposed to be my boyfriend should be a huge wake up call. I mean, what am I doing with this man? I don't want to be this girl but, I will be her for a minute or two, I need to. I don't want to go to my cousin't wedding alone, I don't want to be viewed as the fat lonely spinster. I'm tired of not being apart of a decent relationship, I'm tired of being by myself. I'm not really the lonely type, I actually like alone time, I don't need to be in someone's face all of the time but it's nice to feel apart of a couple. It's nice to have someone by your side to know that you are loved by someone other than your mom, family and few choice friends. But, I feel I don't have that.
My heart hurts. I literally have this heavy feeling in my chest. I feel tears in my eyes but pride or lack of the ability to admit defeat will not let them flow. I don't want to have another failed relationship. I don't want to be by myself again. I don't want to go through dating another man, going on more stupid dates, dressing up to impress some stranger. I don't want to feel heartbreak and loneliness again but, I feel them already. I'm tired of sleeping alone almost every night. I'm tired of feeling cast aside and left behind. I'm just tired, so tired of all of it. Why should I be so upset that I close myself off to everybody? Why should I sit in my house when I could be out? I could be enjoying myself, alone, with friends or with another guy. Why do I feel such attachment to M.E.? Why can't I let him go? I know that this is something that I need to do for myself. I know that I cannot continue on this path with him. I sent Sam to The Heavenly One's house because he kept barking and I just couldn't take it today. I'm not even in the mood to have my own "son" around.
On a side note, my cousin (the one that is pregnant) told me that she saw my ex fiancee not so long ago. I didn't really care until she tells me oh, he has a son, he's married, etc. How did this happen? This man was such a fucking jerk! I mean like an unbelievable asswipe! How does he get happiness and a wife and a son and I get a dog?! I mean believe me, I like my life, I have a far better life than many people. Though I was unemployed, I have the resources to have a great career and make good money. I am embarking on a new portion of my career which will be very lucrative. I am healthy, I own my own place in a decent neighborhood. When I am working, I live very well, I usually have good savings and can travel, etc. but still. This guy has a fucking wife and a kid! I mean I know that people can change, I know that he probably grew up and all that jazz but still. It isn't fair. He fucked me over BIG TIME. I know that I don't know all of what is going on in his life and he may be suffering internally, yak, yak. But hey, he has a wife and a baby and he could be living the life of Riley. I don't that that's fair. I was good to him, I've been good, too good to every person I've dated and he gets the wife and baby? Not fair.
I sometimes get into this very dark place where I think something must be wrong with me. Where I think I must be hexed or an ass or any number of things that would make me have such shitty relationships since I am a strong believer of "you get back what you put out into the world" (from my days of being a practicing Wiccan). Honestly, I don't see where I put ugliness out into the world. I would say that for the most part, I am a really decent person. I've borne witness to and been the recipient of some terrible ugliness in this world but I can honestly say that I have never intentionally put any nastiness out there, but that's all I seem to get back. One of my friend calls me the leader of the moral parade for Christ's sake!
I'm not bragging but I'm very often stopped and told, by strangers that I exude this confidence and self assuredness. One of my friends is this girl that I met because she told me she felt this heat come from me and she wanted to be around it. I continuously am told I am wonderful, amazing, kind, sweet, nice, generous, beautiful and any number of niceities that people pass on, even from the people that are fucking me over. If all of this is true, why do I have such sucky relationships? Why is it so difficult for me to find a quality mate? I'm not even talking about walking down the aisle and pushing out babies as of yet, I mean someone that I can just hang out with. Someone that I can enjoy and who enjoys me without all of the bullshit that seems to happen in my relationships. I know I'm being down and negative. I know that I'm wallowing in my own sadness but so what, it's that kind of a day.
During this last time when we were trying to get back together, Mysterious Ex told me that I sabotage our relationship (yet he is the one who until recently would stop speaking to me because I was doing something as awful as talking during the presidential elections or God forbid, telling him that I wanted more sex, oh the horror!). He told me that I often dismiss him and make him feel as though he is not important to me. I fell for that. I mean, was he being sincere in saying that was truly how he felt? Or, was that some manipulation shit? He tells me that he wants us to be together, but I don't see enough of a change to really take it to heart. I told myself I would give him 1 month, it's been 9 weeks. I tried to take into account the fact that he doesn't have a car now but, I don't care anymore. No mater the reason behind th non- change, the result is still the same and I still feel like shit. I am tired of trading myself off and accepting less than I know I deserve. I mean not to be conceited, but I'm a good woman, that is something that I know, I KNOW that not only do I deserve more than this, but I can get more than this.
Breakfast: 8 ounces of hazelnut coffee, non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 1/4 of a leaf of iceburg lettuce, apple cider
Hours on phone: none
Resumes: none
Exercise: none
bought: nothing
With the exception of speaking to The Heavenly One, I have basically incubated myself all day. I have been on the verge of tears, looking up information on becoming a principal and writing in my journal. After reading past journal entries, a few emails and thinking for most of the day, I think that I should end things with Mysterious Ex. I asked him to go to a wedding with me on the 25th so I was thinking of doing it after that day but, I feel that I should do it sooner rather than later. I love M.E., I will not sit here and say that I don't but, a relationship needs a lot more than just love in order to grow, I don't feel that Mysterious Ex and I have those other elements. Much of our relationship has been me, compromising, appeasing his ego, trying to get things to go smoothly between us and truthfully, I just don't have the energy or the patience nor do I want to play that role any longer. M.E. and I have been together for a year and a half. I don't think that a relationship should be perfect and wonderful after so short a time but, I think that at the very least, it should show promise and growth. Though we do have potential, that isn't enough. I always say that I love myself. My friends tout me as being this independent, strong minded, self efficient take no shit kind of chick but the truth is, I take a lot of shit, I do. I take shit all of the time, I also put other people's needs and feelings before my own. Why do I do that? I'm a smart kind of chick, I have the right thoughts, I'll talk the women can do anything and I don't need a man bullshit anyday but when it comes down to it, I don't live it. Why is that? I'm a sucker and I'm not being true to myself. I need more, I need to feel as though I am incorporated into the person I choose to call my partner's life and I don't feel that right now, I don't think I've ever felt that with M.E. Then I began doing some really deep thinking and I realized, I'm always being fucked over, it's like I'm a magnet for bullshit. So what does this say about me? What kind of person am I really if I allow this into my life? Two years before meeting Mysterious Ex, I was involved with this real asshole, I mean someone who a LifeTime movie should have been made about, it was honestly that bad. After getting myself out of that short lived but horrendous relationship, I took more than a year off from dating. I just chilled, I didn't have sex, I didn't really go out on "date" dates, I just hung with my friends occassionally and did a lot of soul searching. I figured I had to be really fucked up or at least temporarily fucked up in order to let a man like that into my life I mean really, he was horrible. During my time off, I decided on the kind of man I wanted to be with. I seriously thought about the qualities I wanted in a man and thought about what I was going to accept and what I wasn't. When I met Mysterious Ex, it literally was like a breath of fresh air. He was such a welcome respite from the kind of bullshit I had previously let into my life so, I fell for him rather quickly. It wasn't until we were dating for months before he began acting stupid and my first inclination (which I should have followed) was "fuck this" but, I kept on. And on, and on, and on, and on and on. Now, I am in this place where I am partially angry, partially sad, partially resentful, partially fed up within myself.
I keep saying I want things between M.E. and I to work out but guess what? I also want 7 million dollars! I mean, I think it's along the same lines. I would love it if Mysterious Ex and I were able to work out our issues and have a decent wonderful relationship but, I would also love it if I lived in a world where people didn't starve and babies didn't die. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. I feel that by keeping quiet, I am doing myself a great disservice. I also don't want to go to my cousin's sedding by myself. Although, something in the back of my mind (call it Mysterious Ex's penchant for being unreliable maybe) tells me that he isn't "going to able to make it". Something tells me that an uncle will die or a car will break or he will have to fly to Nashville to sell some music crap. I see it happening. That in itself is sad. The fact that I can't reasonably rely on the man who is supposed to be my boyfriend should be a huge wake up call. I mean, what am I doing with this man? I don't want to be this girl but, I will be her for a minute or two, I need to. I don't want to go to my cousin't wedding alone, I don't want to be viewed as the fat lonely spinster. I'm tired of not being apart of a decent relationship, I'm tired of being by myself. I'm not really the lonely type, I actually like alone time, I don't need to be in someone's face all of the time but it's nice to feel apart of a couple. It's nice to have someone by your side to know that you are loved by someone other than your mom, family and few choice friends. But, I feel I don't have that.
My heart hurts. I literally have this heavy feeling in my chest. I feel tears in my eyes but pride or lack of the ability to admit defeat will not let them flow. I don't want to have another failed relationship. I don't want to be by myself again. I don't want to go through dating another man, going on more stupid dates, dressing up to impress some stranger. I don't want to feel heartbreak and loneliness again but, I feel them already. I'm tired of sleeping alone almost every night. I'm tired of feeling cast aside and left behind. I'm just tired, so tired of all of it. Why should I be so upset that I close myself off to everybody? Why should I sit in my house when I could be out? I could be enjoying myself, alone, with friends or with another guy. Why do I feel such attachment to M.E.? Why can't I let him go? I know that this is something that I need to do for myself. I know that I cannot continue on this path with him. I sent Sam to The Heavenly One's house because he kept barking and I just couldn't take it today. I'm not even in the mood to have my own "son" around.
On a side note, my cousin (the one that is pregnant) told me that she saw my ex fiancee not so long ago. I didn't really care until she tells me oh, he has a son, he's married, etc. How did this happen? This man was such a fucking jerk! I mean like an unbelievable asswipe! How does he get happiness and a wife and a son and I get a dog?! I mean believe me, I like my life, I have a far better life than many people. Though I was unemployed, I have the resources to have a great career and make good money. I am embarking on a new portion of my career which will be very lucrative. I am healthy, I own my own place in a decent neighborhood. When I am working, I live very well, I usually have good savings and can travel, etc. but still. This guy has a fucking wife and a kid! I mean I know that people can change, I know that he probably grew up and all that jazz but still. It isn't fair. He fucked me over BIG TIME. I know that I don't know all of what is going on in his life and he may be suffering internally, yak, yak. But hey, he has a wife and a baby and he could be living the life of Riley. I don't that that's fair. I was good to him, I've been good, too good to every person I've dated and he gets the wife and baby? Not fair.
I sometimes get into this very dark place where I think something must be wrong with me. Where I think I must be hexed or an ass or any number of things that would make me have such shitty relationships since I am a strong believer of "you get back what you put out into the world" (from my days of being a practicing Wiccan). Honestly, I don't see where I put ugliness out into the world. I would say that for the most part, I am a really decent person. I've borne witness to and been the recipient of some terrible ugliness in this world but I can honestly say that I have never intentionally put any nastiness out there, but that's all I seem to get back. One of my friend calls me the leader of the moral parade for Christ's sake!
I'm not bragging but I'm very often stopped and told, by strangers that I exude this confidence and self assuredness. One of my friends is this girl that I met because she told me she felt this heat come from me and she wanted to be around it. I continuously am told I am wonderful, amazing, kind, sweet, nice, generous, beautiful and any number of niceities that people pass on, even from the people that are fucking me over. If all of this is true, why do I have such sucky relationships? Why is it so difficult for me to find a quality mate? I'm not even talking about walking down the aisle and pushing out babies as of yet, I mean someone that I can just hang out with. Someone that I can enjoy and who enjoys me without all of the bullshit that seems to happen in my relationships. I know I'm being down and negative. I know that I'm wallowing in my own sadness but so what, it's that kind of a day.
During this last time when we were trying to get back together, Mysterious Ex told me that I sabotage our relationship (yet he is the one who until recently would stop speaking to me because I was doing something as awful as talking during the presidential elections or God forbid, telling him that I wanted more sex, oh the horror!). He told me that I often dismiss him and make him feel as though he is not important to me. I fell for that. I mean, was he being sincere in saying that was truly how he felt? Or, was that some manipulation shit? He tells me that he wants us to be together, but I don't see enough of a change to really take it to heart. I told myself I would give him 1 month, it's been 9 weeks. I tried to take into account the fact that he doesn't have a car now but, I don't care anymore. No mater the reason behind th non- change, the result is still the same and I still feel like shit. I am tired of trading myself off and accepting less than I know I deserve. I mean not to be conceited, but I'm a good woman, that is something that I know, I KNOW that not only do I deserve more than this, but I can get more than this.
Last night my stomach growled and growled and growled so much I had to eat. I had 6 steamed shrimp, a half a head of steamed brocoli and a cup of steamed rice. Needless to say, my tummy was quite happy. So I am back to fasting though this morning I did have 8 ounces of coffee with non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar, hope that counts as part of the fast.
I have registered for the Principal certification program and it's going to be quite expensive. Luckily, all of that previous book learning I've done before will come in quite handy though its still going to take about 36 months more or less to complete but that's okay I guess. Once I am finished, I will be able to make like 50,000 dollars more than I make now to start so I am willing to invest in that.
I have registered for the Principal certification program and it's going to be quite expensive. Luckily, all of that previous book learning I've done before will come in quite handy though its still going to take about 36 months more or less to complete but that's okay I guess. Once I am finished, I will be able to make like 50,000 dollars more than I make now to start so I am willing to invest in that.
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