Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 8 ounces of hazelnut coffee, non dairy creamer and 1.5 tablespoons of sugar
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: 1/4 of a leaf of iceburg lettuce, apple cider

Hours on phone: none

Resumes: none

Exercise: none

bought: nothing

With the exception of speaking to The Heavenly One, I have basically incubated myself all day. I have been on the verge of tears, looking up information on becoming a principal and writing in my journal. After reading past journal entries, a few emails and thinking for most of the day, I think that I should end things with Mysterious Ex. I asked him to go to a wedding with me on the 25th so I was thinking of doing it after that day but, I feel that I should do it sooner rather than later. I love M.E., I will not sit here and say that I don't but, a relationship needs a lot more than just love in order to grow, I don't feel that Mysterious Ex and I have those other elements. Much of our relationship has been me, compromising, appeasing his ego, trying to get things to go smoothly between us and truthfully, I just don't have the energy or the patience nor do I want to play that role any longer. M.E. and I have been together for a year and a half. I don't think that a relationship should be perfect and wonderful after so short a time but, I think that at the very least, it should show promise and growth. Though we do have potential, that isn't enough. I always say that I love myself. My friends tout me as being this independent, strong minded, self efficient take no shit kind of chick but the truth is, I take a lot of shit, I do. I take shit all of the time, I also put other people's needs and feelings before my own. Why do I do that? I'm a smart kind of chick, I have the right thoughts, I'll talk the women can do anything and I don't need a man bullshit anyday but when it comes down to it, I don't live it. Why is that? I'm a sucker and I'm not being true to myself. I need more, I need to feel as though I am incorporated into the person I choose to call my partner's life and I don't feel that right now, I don't think I've ever felt that with M.E. Then I began doing some really deep thinking and I realized, I'm always being fucked over, it's like I'm a magnet for bullshit. So what does this say about me? What kind of person am I really if I allow this into my life? Two years before meeting Mysterious Ex, I was involved with this real asshole, I mean someone who a LifeTime movie should have been made about, it was honestly that bad. After getting myself out of that short lived but horrendous relationship, I took more than a year off from dating. I just chilled, I didn't have sex, I didn't really go out on "date" dates, I just hung with my friends occassionally and did a lot of soul searching. I figured I had to be really fucked up or at least temporarily fucked up in order to let a man like that into my life I mean really, he was horrible. During my time off, I decided on the kind of man I wanted to be with. I seriously thought about the qualities I wanted in a man and thought about what I was going to accept and what I wasn't. When I met Mysterious Ex, it literally was like a breath of fresh air. He was such a welcome respite from the kind of bullshit I had previously let into my life so, I fell for him rather quickly. It wasn't until we were dating for months before he began acting stupid and my first inclination (which I should have followed) was "fuck this" but, I kept on. And on, and on, and on, and on and on. Now, I am in this place where I am partially angry, partially sad, partially resentful, partially fed up within myself.

I keep saying I want things between M.E. and I to work out but guess what? I also want 7 million dollars! I mean, I think it's along the same lines. I would love it if Mysterious Ex and I were able to work out our issues and have a decent wonderful relationship but, I would also love it if I lived in a world where people didn't starve and babies didn't die. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. I feel that by keeping quiet, I am doing myself a great disservice. I also don't want to go to my cousin's sedding by myself. Although, something in the back of my mind (call it Mysterious Ex's penchant for being unreliable maybe) tells me that he isn't "going to able to make it". Something tells me that an uncle will die or a car will break or he will have to fly to Nashville to sell some music crap. I see it happening. That in itself is sad. The fact that I can't reasonably rely on the man who is supposed to be my boyfriend should be a huge wake up call. I mean, what am I doing with this man? I don't want to be this girl but, I will be her for a minute or two, I need to. I don't want to go to my cousin't wedding alone, I don't want to be viewed as the fat lonely spinster. I'm tired of not being apart of a decent relationship, I'm tired of being by myself. I'm not really the lonely type, I actually like alone time, I don't need to be in someone's face all of the time but it's nice to feel apart of a couple. It's nice to have someone by your side to know that you are loved by someone other than your mom, family and few choice friends. But, I feel I don't have that.

My heart hurts. I literally have this heavy feeling in my chest. I feel tears in my eyes but pride or lack of the ability to admit defeat will not let them flow. I don't want to have another failed relationship. I don't want to be by myself again. I don't want to go through dating another man, going on more stupid dates, dressing up to impress some stranger. I don't want to feel heartbreak and loneliness again but, I feel them already. I'm tired of sleeping alone almost every night. I'm tired of feeling cast aside and left behind. I'm just tired, so tired of all of it. Why should I be so upset that I close myself off to everybody? Why should I sit in my house when I could be out? I could be enjoying myself, alone, with friends or with another guy. Why do I feel such attachment to M.E.? Why can't I let him go? I know that this is something that I need to do for myself. I know that I cannot continue on this path with him. I sent Sam to The Heavenly One's house because he kept barking and I just couldn't take it today. I'm not even in the mood to have my own "son" around.

On a side note, my cousin (the one that is pregnant) told me that she saw my ex fiancee not so long ago. I didn't really care until she tells me oh, he has a son, he's married, etc. How did this happen? This man was such a fucking jerk! I mean like an unbelievable asswipe! How does he get happiness and a wife and a son and I get a dog?! I mean believe me, I like my life, I have a far better life than many people. Though I was unemployed, I have the resources to have a great career and make good money. I am embarking on a new portion of my career which will be very lucrative. I am healthy, I own my own place in a decent neighborhood. When I am working, I live very well, I usually have good savings and can travel, etc. but still. This guy has a fucking wife and a kid! I mean I know that people can change, I know that he probably grew up and all that jazz but still. It isn't fair. He fucked me over BIG TIME. I know that I don't know all of what is going on in his life and he may be suffering internally, yak, yak. But hey, he has a wife and a baby and he could be living the life of Riley. I don't that that's fair. I was good to him, I've been good, too good to every person I've dated and he gets the wife and baby? Not fair.

I sometimes get into this very dark place where I think something must be wrong with me. Where I think I must be hexed or an ass or any number of things that would make me have such shitty relationships since I am a strong believer of "you get back what you put out into the world" (from my days of being a practicing Wiccan). Honestly, I don't see where I put ugliness out into the world. I would say that for the most part, I am a really decent person. I've borne witness to and been the recipient of some terrible ugliness in this world but I can honestly say that I have never intentionally put any nastiness out there, but that's all I seem to get back. One of my friend calls me the leader of the moral parade for Christ's sake!

I'm not bragging but I'm very often stopped and told, by strangers that I exude this confidence and self assuredness. One of my friends is this girl that I met because she told me she felt this heat come from me and she wanted to be around it. I continuously am told I am wonderful, amazing, kind, sweet, nice, generous, beautiful and any number of niceities that people pass on, even from the people that are fucking me over. If all of this is true, why do I have such sucky relationships? Why is it so difficult for me to find a quality mate? I'm not even talking about walking down the aisle and pushing out babies as of yet, I mean someone that I can just hang out with. Someone that I can enjoy and who enjoys me without all of the bullshit that seems to happen in my relationships. I know I'm being down and negative. I know that I'm wallowing in my own sadness but so what, it's that kind of a day.

During this last time when we were trying to get back together, Mysterious Ex told me that I sabotage our relationship (yet he is the one who until recently would stop speaking to me because I was doing something as awful as talking during the presidential elections or God forbid, telling him that I wanted more sex, oh the horror!). He told me that I often dismiss him and make him feel as though he is not important to me. I fell for that. I mean, was he being sincere in saying that was truly how he felt? Or, was that some manipulation shit? He tells me that he wants us to be together, but I don't see enough of a change to really take it to heart. I told myself I would give him 1 month, it's been 9 weeks. I tried to take into account the fact that he doesn't have a car now but, I don't care anymore. No mater the reason behind th non- change, the result is still the same and I still feel like shit. I am tired of trading myself off and accepting less than I know I deserve. I mean not to be conceited, but I'm a good woman, that is something that I know, I KNOW that not only do I deserve more than this, but I can get more than this.