I'm such a child.

I've been looking forward to my vacation for months! I've been home for two full days and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored. I'm a terrible mom because I keep doing things to wake baby up so that at the very least I can feel her move. So selfish, so horrible.

Are You Really In Love?

I was talking with my GodMother last night. I LOVE her dearly. She is fantastic in every way. She has helped me tremendously and I can honestly say that she was the catalyst for some serious changes in my life.

So, last night we were on the phone, talking about Bumble, the weather, work, why I haven't come to see her and junk mail. Just regular stuff. So, she asks, "What happened to this summer wedding you were supposed to be having?" Ummm, I answer, we'll probably do it toward the end of the year. "Mmmmm" she answers, and in that "Mmmmm" there are a thousand and one words. "So" she asks, "Why aren't you getting married now again?" I just don't want to, I answer. I thought it was important but honestly, right now, I don't feel like it is. Not so much. "Mmmmmm" she answers. "Baby, do you WANT to get married? Are you happy?" I answer, Yes. Which wasn't enthusiastic enough for her I suppose because the next thing out of her mouth was, "You can tell me anything. You know that. I just want to make sure you're alright. You have a good man, you're having his baby but, you odn't want to get married. Do you love him?" I answer that Paul is by far the best man I've ever been with, he's kind, considerate, funny, sweet and I know that he'll be a good father. "You didn't answer my question".

So, I think. Paul is fantastic. I cannot say that he isn't. He is kind to me, he is respectful of me, he is caring and responsible, and I know that he loves me. I can feel it, I see it in his eyes. Now, admittedly, am I into him the way I was into Mysterious Ex? I don't think so but, M.E. and I in no way had the kind of relationship that Paul and I have. I think that in many ways, my thing with M.E. was more of a, "this is what we COULD have". Since I have those things WITH Paul, there isn't any speculation about the kind of relationship we could have or the things we can do because we are doing them. It isn't that I don't love him. I think it is so much more than that. We share space, and life, and emotions and a child and future. Those are things I've never had with any person. he and I have made a committment to one another to our life together, to raising our children, to reaching goals together. Honestly, I don't feel like making these things recognizable by law will make them stronger or more true or more real. Could I be wrong?

Week 17 Month 5

Just a note - For pregnancy, I follow the Lunar Calendar which says 1 month is equal to 4 weeks. Some people use the traditional calendar which says a month goes date to date, ex. July 3rd to August 3rd. Based on the Lunar Calendar, pregnancy lasts 10 months so, though I am entering month 5, I still have 5 months to go.

Half Way there!!!

I'm very excited as our pregnancy continues PROBLEM FREE!!! (knock on wood)

Things I LOVE about being pregnant:

-Feeling Bumble inside of me. It is an absolute WONDERFUL feeling! (My baby is the SMARTEST baby EVER) today, I was visiting my Mom. I tell her, Bumble hasn't kicked me in a few days. I've felt her squirming and moving but no kicks. No less than 5 minutes later I SWEAR, she kicks a few times in a row. Tell me that isn't genius!

-Knowing that I have created the smartest baby ever. See above.

-Having that pregnancy glow. Now, admittedly, my skin was jacked up last week. Why? Not sure, probably hormones but once again, my skin is gorgeous and if I do say so myself, I'm looking pretty cute.

-Sex. Now I know this may be too much info but pregnancy sex is like the best sex ever. Or, sex with Paul is the best sex ever though, I really think its the pregnancy.

- My hair is RIDICULOUS. Like, my hairs is crazy thick. The texture has changed too. Its like really coarse now but thicker than ever. Honestly, I'm not really sure what to do with it as I've never had hair like this before. I just two strand twisted it and let it do its own thing for a few days.

-I can eat whatever I want. I've only gained like 5 pounds. The weight I gained before, I lost, not sure why but, who cares. Seriously. I had cheeseburger with fries two days in a row and no one said anything. Of course I still eat lots of fruit and veggies and all the good stuff that I'm supposed to eat but come on, cheeseburgers, twice in week and no one says a thing?

-Everyone is super nice to me. Since I'm REALLY showing now, people are just so kind. They get out of my way when I'm walking down the street, they hold doors open for me for ridiculous amounts of time, like I'm down the hall and they are specifically holding the door for me. I get offered seats even in places where people don't usually sit down, like the bank. (That REALLY happened).

-I can wear flip flops all the time and no one says a thing. I'm pregnant, what are they going to say?

-I take the greatest naps. My mom's couch, is like the comfiest place in the world. I was home today and Sam and I walked down the street specifically so that I could take a nap on her couch.

-I can blame EVERYTHING on Bumble. Admittedly, I've been kind of pushy when it comes to certain things, (what we're going to eat, what movie we're going to see, where I get to sleep in the bed, sending Paul for clam strips at 2 in the morning). As long as I end the statement with, but the baby or but Bumble... Everything is alright.
Ex.
Me: I want pizza. (this can be substituted for any number of things)
Paul: We had pizza yesterday.
Me: Is there some law that we can't have pizza twice in a row? We want pizza.
Paul: Come on now.
Me: But Bumble wants pizza, are you going to deny your child?
Paul: What do you want on the pizza?

-Whining and pouting is cute again. This only would work with my dad, even when I was an adult. After he died, no one paid much attention to my whining so, I stopped. Now that I'm pregnant, I can whine and pout my way into and out of all kinds of stuff.

Things I don't like about being pregnant:

-Waddling. I waddle like a duck. Not a cute look for a fat chick.

-My boobs hurt like ALL of the time. If not the actual breasts, then the nipples. Its really sick.

-My skin is weird sometimes. I'm usually gorgeous but every so often, my skin looks a mess and I'm not sure why.

-Ugly clothes. I can't wear cute vintage stuff anymore. :( I can barely fit into the majority of my clothes and my maternity clothes aren't really my style. All very bad things for a clothes whore.

-EVERYONE wants to talk about me being pregnant. Sometimes I just want to talk about other stuff but its like I'm not supposed to talk about anything else.

-I have to sleep in weird positions. I have to sleep on my sides which is horrendous. I have like 25 pillows that I sleep with nightly otherwise, sleeping in bed is very uncomfortable.

-I think my butt is getting smaller. My mother SWEARS I stole her behind. She says she had a beautiful behind before she was pregnant with me. Apparently, when I was born, I took her booty. Now, I have a VERY BIG booty. Its one of my favorite parts of my body. I swear its getting smaller, Paul says it isn't but, I've had this booty for years. He's only known it for a few months, what does he know?

-Pressure to get married. I've decided not to get married, at least not anytime soon. Everyone, including the person I was supposed to marry is acting as though I've gone completlely nuts. Knowing the Sagittarian I am, I probably don't want to get married because they all want me to. Haven't they learned anything about me yet?

-STRETCH MARKS. No amount of water drinking, olive oil or shea butter can stop these things. They are onthe bottom of my once stretch mark-less belly like veins. They're very light but I see them and worse, I feel them. Very nasty things they are.

I'm Exhausted

How can someone sleep for 11 hours and still be sleepy? Its like I'm some weird freak of nature. I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I was actually mad at myself because I, a big grown woman, was fighting my sleep like a child. Refusing to go to sleep at 9, I began reading. Finally, it was too much and I HAD to actually allow myself to sleep. I woke up about 5 in the morning, laid there until about 6 then went back to sleep. I finally got out of bed at about 9:20 this morning. Now, I sit at my desk at 12:10 pm and I am exhausted. I mean like really, really sleepy. I tried to set up a sleep station between two office chairs but was afraid if I really fell asleep, the chair would roll from beneath me. I have two interviews scheduled for this afternoon and I want to cancel them because I haven't the energy or interest to sit here and listen to someone go on and on about their foolishness. Who cares?

I'm tired.

Its 4:10 am

I'm currently eating manzanilla olives and slices of feta cheese wrapped in salami.

This is supposedly what Bumble is supposed to look like, (according to makemebabies.com). Kind of creepy.

He Touches My Stuff!

Okay, so I'm slowly adjusting to sharing space with someone. I don't say living together because we don't, not full time. I think my head would explode if he just popped up with boxes and boxes of stuff but, he is here like 4 or 5 days a week. That's a lot. But, why does he have to touch my stuff? I go to the bathroom, my towel is moved, my soap is in a different place then where I left it. He opens up the iced tea and drinks the first cup. Why does he do that? He moves my computer, I came out of the shower and it was pulled way over on the other side of the desk. He has his own computer, why does he have to use mine? He takes my favorite pillow and crunches it up. Mind you, there are literally ten other pillows in the bed, why does he have to take mine? He always wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch or bed and spaz out, why doesn't he just sit there too? He always wants to talk. Sometimes I just want to sit there and contemplate life, think about clothes, stare at the ceiling but, I always have to be engrossed in some kind of conversation. Why doesn't he shut up? He cleans up after me. Sometimes I want to throw a dish in the sink or leave my t-shirt on the floor near the bed. Isn't it my right as a free born american to be messy if I want to be? Why does he do that. Then, to top it all off, he's so sweet so I daren't say any of these things to him. I'd look like a complete fool.

Is This Really My Body?

My legs and feet are swollen. I put on a pair of sandals yesterday and had to switch to flip flops as soon as got to my office, my feet were puffy all around the sandals.

The left side of my face is dry, itchy and peeling. It literally looks as though I have dandruff on my face. I had to scrub my face with a scrub puff and slather shea butter all over it in order for it to even appear somewhat normal.

My head hurts for no apparent reason. I can't take aspirin to make it stop.

When I bend to pick something up, I pass gas. I can't control it, it just happens. Its really gross and I'm afraid I'm going to do it when people are around.

Sometimes when I go to say something, I belch instead of words coming out of my mouth. That's really gross too.

My eyes have like an excessive amount of mucus. Its so gross, I have to clean my eyes like ten times a day.

I have to pumice my feet like three times a week. If I miss a day, it will look as though I haven't pumiced my feet in like a month and a half.

I have stretch marks on the bottom and sides of my belly. They're white and icky and I can't stand them.

My eyebrows have to be picked every other day. The other day, I found a hair growing out of the middle of my cheek.

Sometimes, for no real reason, I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm sitting on the couch and all of a sudden, I'm short of breath, its ridiculous.

I have mood swings. I can be happy and laughing one minute then I'm sad and don't want to talk the next.

I have to clip my nails every week. If not, they get really long and begin to twist.

This better be one kick ass baby.

So, I thought I was done with this kind of foolishness but apparently, I'm not.

Yesterday, Paul and I decide to have a picnic. We go to the store, get some food, drop by this great bakery, get some cupcakes and head to the park. Its a really lovely day. We intended to go have a picnic, then go to the beach later in the evening. We like the beach at night for some reason. As the day went on, it began to get really cool and, I was wearing a sun dress, no sweater, no nothing. As we left the park we decided we wouldn't go to the beach or Bumble and I would freeze our tushies off. Okay, we're in the car and Paul says, "Let's go shopping!" Okay, I'm always down to buy some stuff (and I have gone particularly crazy in the baby clothes and shoes dept.) Alright, some brief background:

We've decided that I'm going to stay home after the birth of Bumble. My current position is very demanding and don't want to spend upwards of 10 plus hours away from my baby each day. Bumble will only be an infant once in her life and I think its my duty as her mom to give her as much of my time as possible, especially in the very early part of her life. Paul agrees and so, we have been planning that I will stay home with her for about three years. Because of this, admittedly, this man has been holding stuff down. He's wiped out all of his debt, minus about 2 thousand and we have both been living on nothing but cash. I won't use my credit cards at all and we've only been using his for very small purchases to at least keep the account in good standing. We're living below our means because this is what we will have to do once I'm not working. We'v been saving lots of money and, we've been putting money aside. So, we've both been on a strict budget. When we go out, we decide we're only going to spend x amount of money and we stick to that.

All this being said, I've been saving money so that I can make purchases for Bumble if I want to without going over my budget. So, I usually have about two hundred "extra" dollars hanging around because I never know if I'm going to run into a big sale, or see something I just HAVE to have. Yesterday, I had about three hundred "extra" dollars because I was planning on buying Bumble's bedding set for the nursery. Paul decided our budget (from his funds) for yesterday's activities would be 120 dollars which is a lot considering we were just having a picnic and going to the beach. After getting food, and dessert, and drinks, we spent about 60 dollars so, he had about 60 bucks left on him. Okay, we decide to go the mall, we went to Marshall's which is this huge discount store that has all kinds of cool stuff. They had great prices on baby stuff, so, we got 6 onesies, 6 sleepers, two pairs of shoes, four hats, two pairs of socks, a bunting, 2 outside outfits and a receiving blanket for about 85 dollars. Not bad at all. Since Paul only had 60 dollars on him and because I saved up money specifically for this purpose, I bought the stuff with my debit card. Almost immediately, he starts acting weird, like his entire energy is just strange. We're in the car going home and I ask him, "what's wrong?" he answers "nothing". He then hands me money, I ask him "why?" he answers, "what do you mean why?" I put the money down in the cup holder between us. When we get to my house, there is parking all over the place which is unusual for a Friday night but, instead of parking, he pulls up near my house, I get out, he takes my packages to the door, he then gets back in his car and literally speeds off. Okay.

I go to my Mom's house to pick up Sam, I hang out for a while because I'm not tired, I'm mad and I don't feel like sitting in my house by myself. I recount the evening to her but she really doesn't have an answer. I go home, wash up, play with Sam then I text him:
Y r u upset?
He answers: I'm not feeling that you are always pulling out ur wallet EVERYWHERE we go. You took the joy out of me buying things for our baby.

I answer: I didn't take the joy out of anything. U could have said we won't buy anything or, u could have bought some of the stuff if it was so important.

He calls me and tells me I made him feel as though he can't provide for me or our child because I'm always so quick to show how independent I am and how much I don't need him.

I answered: Are you serious? You didn't have enough cash on you. You didn't have your credit card. We were both in the store picking out things together. You stood on line with me. Why is this an issue? I don't understand.

He then tells me I just don't understand, I think he can't provide for me. I have to go buy everything on my own. (Prior to this, I've bought some baby shoes, a few t shirts and what I've been calling Bumble's coming home outfit. I've MADE (with yarn HE bought) some sweaters and booties and I'm still working on two blankets.)

We hung up because frankly, I was just sooooo pissed off. I've been through this "you don't act as though you need me" foolishness with men in the past and I honestly thought we were better than that. I've just been so pissed at him all day because
a) I felt he could have handled this WAAAAAY better. He literally took my packages to the door, jumped in his car and left. He usually stays over on nights he isn't working so, I thought that was the plan.
b) It was just so childish of him and now I honestly feel as though I see him in a different light. I'm not sure if I'm just mad at him now but, I don't even want him to touch me, like I really don't even want to look at him.
c) I'm not even sure I want to be a stay at home mommy. Like this experience just ruined that for me. Of course I want to be with Bumble, especially in the beginning but if that means giving up my independence, especially to someone who seems to be so foolish about such things, I'm honestly not sure if its something I want to do.

I truly thought we were working as a team. I thought we were building he foundation for our family but, he took it to some whole other level. Its just silly.

I'm angry, and sad. I know life isn't going to be perfect. I know there are issues we will have to face and deal with and work out but, this shit is just so ridiculous to me. I'm not even sure where to begin on this one.