Eaten today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: I'll have Apple Cider (I'm fasting)

Hours on Phone: about 3

Resumes: None today

Exercise: I've been cleaning up all day if that counts

Bought: Nothing

I spent the entire day digging in all of my closets and dressers pulling out clothing that is now too small for me. Though I am trying to get back to my regular size, I threw a lot of stuff away. Am I admitting defeat? Am I making an excuse to buy new clothes once I reach my goal or am I just okay at this size? My "regular" size is three or four sized smaller than I am right now and though it bothers me somewhat, it doesn't bother me tremendously. Throwing all of those clothes away sure did hurt though.

It seems to me that this thing with Mysterious Ex is going back to where it used to be. Granted I will admit that we have made some progress and I will also admit that he has changed to some degree but, I think most of this stuff is just change on the surface, I don't see a true internal change and I am not sure if I want to stay in this "relationship".

Here is the low down, Mysterious Ex and I broke up around October because he was being a butthead and stopped speaking to me because I was talking during the presdential elections last year. We briefly began speaking again after Christmas and spoke until late January but we stopped speaking until April when he called me. We stopped speaking in January because we had a slight argument one night and then I didn't hear from him for two days. As is/was (we'll go with was) the fashion of Mysterious Ex, if he became upset over somenthing, no matter how small, he would stop speaking to me. (As a side note, he used to do this to everyone, his friends, family, even his own dad). Since I didn't hear from him, I naturally assumed he wasn't speaking to me but this time instead of waiting to see what was going on and seeing if we could work things out, I told him to go fuck himself a few times and stopped speaking to him for over a month. Finally in February, he contacted me and said he was sorry and that he wanted to try again. He said he loved me very much and that he did not want to lose me or our relationship. I posed a few questions to him along the lines of "What are you going to do to ensure that we have a healthy relationship?", "How are you going to change the way you deal with anger?", What steps are willing to take to have us be together?" He took days and days to get back to me, not one or two days but like 10 or more so I told him, forget it, you have a good life.

When we were together before, I would barely see him, he was always working, always going to the studio, doing all of this extra work, (Mysterious Ex is trying to set up his own studio and while I do applaud his efforts and ambition, he already has a job that commands 45 - 50+ hours of his time weekly and we live over an hour in driving time apart from one another) and so we didn't spend much time together. A day after M.E. and I started speaking again in April, he got into a really bad car accident. He was okay with the exception of cuts on his hand (from his windshield and he bumped his head), his truck however was in really bad shape. He had to battle with his insurance company over costs, etc and his truck had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage. He had to get the parts for his truck, then he had to get money together to have it fixed so he hasn't had a car for about 2 months or so. He has been borrowing other people's cars in order to hang out with me so, we don't get to spend ad much time together as either of us would like and here in lies my problem. I understand that Mysterious Ex can't get around like he used to and 99% of the time that I call him he is home but, it is still irritating. I think I have been very patient but I'm at the point where I want to tell him, "give me a call when you get your truck back". I know that is a mena thing to think or say but, I can't help it. Regardless of the circumstances around why things are basically the same, things are basically the same. I am being patient, I am trying to be a "good" girlfriend but, it's difficult. I have already put over a year of my time and effort into this relationship and I don't want to end it over something foolish but, I don't want to just be left in limbo either. Maybe I am being selfish (I don't think I am), maybe I'm being impatient, but I can't help it, I'm tiredof sitting here day after day, I'm tired of sleeping along night after night, I'm tired of not having a "real" boyfriend. In the days before his car accident, I used to think that M.E. was running the streets with other women and that was the reason we could never see on another, I always thought he used work and self employment as an excuse. I don't want to be a mean and selfish person but I'm tired. I said I would give our relationship a month and then I would move on if it did not work. It's been more than a month and though I do understand the circumstances and the situation, it still very much feels the same.