GoodessNoir? A Mommy? Maybe, Baby

I've come to the realization over the past few days that Mysterious Ex is an asshole. He's nice, he's sweet, he's kind, smart, funny and all of things, but those things are very superficial, surface qualities. Underneath that, he's seems to be selfish, a slight bit manipulative and plainly, an asshole. He tells me he thinks he has Adult Reactive Attachment Disorder so I told him, get it taken care of. Why are you telling me? I am through. How do I get myself involved with such foolishness? Then it makes me wonder, why do I love him? Do I really love him or was I in love with the surface of him? Was I in love with what I thought he and I could be as opposed to actually loving him? Very deep stuff. I then looked up the Adult Attachment thing and he is very much like that, he has a lot of the symptoms. I feel bad for him, but what am I to do? One side of me, always the caregiver, always wanting to make things right, wants to reach out to him and help him, I want him to be okay. The other side of me just wants to let go. It's been over a year, what else am I to do? He is grown, he is an adult, I cannot fix him, I cannot make him better. He is not willing to do these things, what can I do?

On the other side of things, I am looking into adoption. I always thought I would get married, have a baby or two and then adopt a child but lately, for the past few months or so, I've been having this strong desire to be a mommy. I think in has a lot to do with my doctor telling me that I need to conceive in 4 - 5 years. I think that his telling me that has kick started this sudden need to parent and be a mom. I have, for the past few months been so emotional when I see children in real life, on television, even in the news paper. I spoke to my cousin T and The Heavenly One about it and they both told me I should at least look into it. I have for the past week been during a lot of research on it, I scheduled a meeting in a week and a half with a city adoption agency, and I have been imagining my life with the addition of a child. I want to be sure about this. According to the agency I signed up with, there is a ten point process but already being an educator, I have already done three of the steps (fingerprinting and clearance, child physical and sexual abuse notification and training, and understanding the development of a child in addition to understanding a child with speacial needs). Being the nutty obsessed person I am, I have already picked out the color scheme, layout and furniture for the nursery. I have researched day care in my neighborhood, coincdentally, the woman who babysat me as a child still babysits children so I will more than likely speak to her. I have researched day care centers in my area and those that cater to children with developmental delays if that might be an issue. And, I have already planned on how I will rearrange my home for the acceptance of a baby. I've decided that for at least the beginning, I will turn my studio into the baby's room since it is close to my bedroom but, it is pretty big. By the time the child gets older, I will have more than likely left NY so we would have a different house.

The Heavenly One played a throwing scenarios game with me like, it's three in the morning, baby's crying, have to be at work at 8, he/she won't go to bed, what do you do? She said that I was very sensible in all of my answers but she didn't expect anything less because she of course raised me. As I am thinking of it more and more, it feels right to me, I don't know how else to describe it but it just feels like this is what I am supposed to do. My cousin T, who has played around seriously with the idea of adoption said I have her complete and utter support, she will be co-mommy, auntie, godmother, whatever I need of her. THO also gives her support and the only reason she wouldn't be able to watch the baby during the day is becuase she is not in the greatest health (THO nearly died a few years back) she looks better than she has in years but, she is in pain a lot of the time even though I know she doesn't talk about it much. All in all, I am going to do some deep soul searching and a lot of meditating and praying, I want this, yes but, I want to be a principal, there are other things I want to do. I don't want to short change a child I would bring into my life because I am busy trying to build a better life. I guess I will make my final decision after the meeting.

But, I get so emotional when I think about it, even as I write this my eys get welled up with tears. It feels like a good thing. I hope it is.

Not sure what's going on

Mysterious Ex and I had a great conversation the other day. After the conversation with him telling me he was going to quit, he called me shortly after. At the end of our conversation, I told him to call me later that night and we would really talk about what we were going to do. His answer to me was, I am not sure if I can talk to you, it's too emotional for me. I told him, well, you are talking to me now, do you feel worked up and emotional? His answer was no. Fine, I told him, then call me later and we'll talk, he said Okay. So needless to say, he did not call me. I called him, no answer. I called him once more for good measure, no answer. I went to bed, woke up in the morning and he still hadn't called me. So I waited until the afternoon, assuming he had gone to church, still no call. So, I called him once last time and left a message. I told him, I'm not sure why you are treating me this way. You're acting as though I did something to you when all I did was express my feelings to you. You're acting just as you used to act. I'm tired, I'm not going to do this anymore with you, I can't. I then sat down, cried for about three minutes then went to watch the "Good Times" marathon on TV Land. Later that evening, I went to check my email and he sent me this:

It is not that I don't want to talk to you. I can't, it's very emotional for me. We keep doing this back and forth thing and it is taking it's toll on me. Your are worth all of this of course, but, I need time. I prepared myself for not talking to you the other day and here we are again talking, it's too much for me. I'll call you soon.

I was shocked. Maybe I did not react well, but the first reaction is usually the truest I guess. I fired this off to him:

You talk about YOU being emotional? You are not the only person involved in this relationship. Everything is always about you, with little or no concern about me or my feelings. YOU get upset because I tell you this isn't working,, I am unhappy. But your reaction to my unhappiness is not, let's make it better, it is, I know you are unhappy, let's continue seeing one another in spite of it. Are my feelings not valid? Do my feelings not matter? In your eyes I do not think so. It enrages me that you even have the audacity to say you are too emotional to speak to me. YOU ARE TOO EMOTIONAL TO SPEAK TO ME? WHAT have I done to YOU? I dare you to name one thing.

For the past year and a half I have been "too emotional". For the past year and a half it has been "us" above all else. For the past year and a half I have been committed to you and to us, despite the fact that I rarely see you, despite the fact that you have limited time for me, despite the fact that we seem to go through something like this every few months. I have never been disrespectful to you or our relationship. I am always home or with my cousin because I want to be respectful towards you, I feel that you don't deserve any less. I think of you before I make decisions or let stupid shit fly from my mouth, that is a gift that I realize you do not have. For the past year and a half there have been times when you have stopped speaking to me for stupid reasons, you have in my eyes disrespected me by going off and not calling me for days, you have kept yorself rolled up like a ball, but expect me to love you inspite of those faults, which I do and the moment you even feel that I may have done something to hurt you (even though you are the one hurting me) you close up again, you act a fool again, we are in this position again. All because of your selfishness, all because of you. It is always you. And yet, you tell me, you are not sure if you can speak to me, you'll call me soon? Fuck you, don't do me any favors. I'll be okay.


I am not sure how we went through such a quick turn around in so short a time. I thought we actually may have been on the road to recovery, but somehow, things went wrong. One side of me wants to call him, wants to smooth things over and make things work. The other side of me says, fuck 'im. What's a chick to do?

I don't have class this week, then I have three weeks of class after this. Tomorrow is supposed to reach 105 degrees so needless to say, I will be staying my fat ass in the house. Got an 'A' on my first class, the Instruction of Children with Learning Disabilities one, very cool and very excited about that. I'll probably get the grade to last week's class next week and not to be conceited but, I'm sure I got an 'A' again. Sam, THO and I went to Target today. I bought some candles, a headset for my phone, stationary (even though I haven't written a hand written letter since I was like 21), some hair products, (been wearing my hair naturally curly for a few months and
a) it's A LOT of work and
b) my hair loves to soak up product

Also got Sam some balls, some dog food gravy which is supposed to make him eat his dry food and got the cat some toys which Sam stole as soon as we got home. Hung out with my nieces for a bit, took a shower, washed my hair, thought about cleaning my house tomorrow, which I probably won't do and am now off to bed, I have a headache, I'm tired and I'm emotionally drained.

I take two steps forward, he takes a huge leap

So, Mysterious Ex and I had a talk today. It was rather short but deep. We have spoken about things before, but never on this level.

He told me that he was heartbroken and devastated when I told him that I thought he and I should no longer talk. He said that he understood that I was unhappy, but he thought that we would work together to make things better, not that I would just say I was unhappy and wanted out. He said that he cried for much of the night because he didn't want to not talk to me, he said it was hard to bring himself to that realization. He told me that speaking to me is difficult for him because he thinks of how our talking is just a superficial thing, not that he doesn't want to speak to me, but that it is difficult to just speak with there being no romantic connection between the two of us. He said that he spoke over our situation with his brother (which is pretty big because M.E. is manly and doesn't do the sharing feelings thing with others very well) and he came to a decision. He then told me that he is going to quit his job Monday because our relationship is under strain and I am too important to him and his life to allow "us" to dissolve over something that he feels can be fixed. I told him, I didn't want him to quit. M.E. loves his job. He's been there for a bout 7 years and he's worked his way up. He's finally head of his own department which is what I know he wanted and I feel that I cannot be the reason that he leaves this behind. I told him no, but he tells me I am worth it. (can't deny good logic there) He asked if I would marry him when I was ready and he asked if we were going to be a life long couple. I told him that I would love to be apart of his life on a long term basis and I would love for him to be a part of mine, but I am not comfortable with him leaving his job. He told me that financially, he would be okay for about two years so it wouldn't be a big deal for him to be without work for a bit but, I don't want him to give up on what he has worked so hard for for the last 7 years.

I spoke to The Heavenly One about my conversation with M.E. and she tells me it is a very hard decision for him to make and for him to decide that his career is less important than "us" is a wonderful decision, which of course it is. I know that I cannot tell him what to do, and I know that I would feel terribly if he left a career behind that he loves a lot. He says he has his studio but I know that he enjoys his work. He gets to travel, he gets to work with famous people, he always has tickets to any concert he wants to go to whether its sold out or not. Music is very important to him, I know that, I don't want to be the one responsible for him not having his career. Goddess forbid if something happens to us and then what will he do? I don't want him to regret this decision, no matter how flattered I am by it. What if he wakes up two years from now and thinks god, what have I done? Will he still love me in the same way? He told me that his happiness is his regardless of the fact that he is working or not but happiness is not there without me. He feels bad because before when we were together, it was his behavior that was messing us up to a degree and now that he has overcome those problems, the position that he has worked so hard for is "killing" us. He says that our problems are because of him.

THO said that she understands his apprehension and that it IS a hard decision to make. I totally agree. When he first told me, the selfish part of me for a few seconds thought, yah!, he's going to get rid of this stupid job. Then I automatically thought how selfish of me, let me stop. But in all honesty, if my job were putting a hinderance on us, and I know that we are both working towards a forever relationship, I would change jobs, as long as the pay were comparable to the work I was doing, I would change jobs, I know that I would. So, if I were willing to do such a thing, should I really discourage him from doing the same?