Eaten so far Today:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup apple cider, 1/2 cup orange juice (for potassium)
It's still too early to post other stuff, I've only been up for about three hours
Well, day three of the fast and everything seems well. I have been a bit hungry this morning, I had some hunger pangs that did not go away with the drinking of my daily juice so I will probably drink some greeen tea with Splenda in a bit. I spoke to my cousin who, I'll call Her Holiness (she's ULTRA religious) and she told me she was having a baby, I'm very happy for her but it's so weird, I do have other friends who have children but, she and I grew up together so it's like "Wow, SHE'S having a baby?" not because anything is wrong with her but it feels like wow, welcome to adulthood. She's doing fine so far as is the baby so I'm wishing her lots of luck, I don't live very far from her andd she's a teacher too so maybe Sam and I will go visit her one of these days once school lets out.
This morning, my wonderful Samson, the apple of my eye, the puppy who can do no wrong and I love more than anything or almost anyome ever had sex with my silk comforter. Oh, imagine the horror I encountered as I cam into the bedroom and saw him pumping away at the bed. Truthfully, I think it is something that just kind of happened as opposed to him actually masturbating or anything like that. I woke up, washed my face, brushed my teeth then went to get my paper from the porch. Usually Sam is right by my side barking at birds, cars, fallen leaves, really anything that he happens to see but this morning when I went to get the paper, he wasn't at my side. I assumed he ran downstairs because sometimes he can be a little over zealous in going outside. Anyway, I called him a few times but he didin't come (however he actually was, ha ha, that's an attempt at a really bad joke) anyway, I went to look for him and there he was humping away. When I called him, his little face was so weird like as if to say "what's going on here?" Poor baby, I don't think he realized what was going on. He tried to walk over to me but his member was hanging out and I guess it didn't help matters when I called him a "dirty little sex fiend" and ran out of the room. The thing stayed out for a while, even after he ran around in the yard and even after we went to visit The Heavenly One. Ah well, I guess my little man is growing up. But ewwwww, I don't want to think about it.
Mysterious Ex's basement flooded yesterday and a lot of his equipment was ruined. I feel so bad for him, it's like something is always happening to him. If something goes wrong, it will definitely get worse. His car is broken, one of his best vendors was threatening to return a bunch of stuff which could really mess with his commission and now most of the equipment he bought for his studio which is VERY expensive stuff is ruined. Now he has to get a sump pump or something like that which I KNOW is a pain in the ass. My main water line broke last year and JESUS, IT WAS A PAIN!!!!! Water is everywhere, no one can give a definitive answer on what is going on, arggh!, I hope to NEVER go through such a thing again.
My day will be filled with cleaning out my last two closets ( I never realized all of the crap I've managed to accumulate) and mopping my floors which I am not in the mood to do. I've put off mopping this week, I usually do two rooms everyday and take a break on Sunday but, did not do that this week so theoretically, I should mop all of the floors today but, I am not sure if that is going to happen.
I should have gotten on the scale before I started my fasting but, I was not prepared to do that though I think I will gain the courage to do so so that I can see the difference all of this is going to make and of course so I can brag, "I lost x pounds by not eating for two weeks". God I'm an ass.
6.11.2005
6.10.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: Having Apple Cider
Resumes: none
Hours on phone: a little over 1
Bought: nothing
Exercise: went up 6 flights of double steps twice, might not count but felt like exercise to me
So, I've been doing this fast and so far, things have been okay. I had a slight headache earlier but I drank some apple cider and that went away. The weird thng is, Mysterious Ex tells me today, lets go out to dinner, let's go to Maroons (one of my favorite restaraunts) when I asked him why, he tells me "just because, let's go" I then told him I was fasting which he saw as silly. He tells me, you know you are gorgeous, cut it out already. I can always count on M.E. to make me feel better about myself no matter how I'm looking or feeling.
I went to my new school today to do a sample lesson for the principal. She was very pleased (go me!) and had nothing but praise for me. Needless to say, I was very happy, it really is a great school and a really great position but God!, it is so far away. I have to travel for like an hour and a half and walk like four blocks UP STEEP HILLS. Needless to say, I am going to try to get back into pre staying home shape before I go back to work, I will be damned if some hills are going to make me look sweaty and tired before the school day even begins. Then again, I still am on the lookout for a school closer to my house so, we'll see what happens over the course of the summer.
Thanks to The Ming and Gwendolyn who always have the greatest advice and always manage to deliver said advice to me with a good laugh, you guys are great, too bad we're all so far away, we could get together and drink wine and eat pizza and cheesecake, (or whatever you ladies like to eat, those happen to be my favorite things). I cannot seem to bring myself to break things off with Mysterious Ex, I love the guy, I want things to be better between us, I know that I am doing myself a disservice by staying with him especially with things the way they are but right now unfortunately and I say it because it is a serious misfortune, I can't do it. I am not afraid to be with myself, I've done that before, no sweat. I am not afraid I won't meet anybody "better", truthfully, I don't know what it is, I'm just not ready to do it as of yet. (Maybe it has something to do with the four weddings we are supposed to attend this summer, I don't know). He is very sweet and I love him so much (can't believe I wrote that again), he's a great guy. For now, I am going to be still, if the result of choosing to do so is negative, I will just have to deal with the consequences. It isn't as though my entire life is going to fall apart, I believe I will be okay.
Samson is by far the most spoiled dog I have ever known (not that I've known many dogs personally but you know what I mean). Since I have been home with him for this long, he has grown very accustomed to having me with him all day. We are very rarely apart, and when we are, it is usually for a short period of time when he is at The Heavenly One's house for some reason or another. When I left him today at her house (he seems to know the difference between, just running to the store and going out for hours and hours) he threw himself on the floor and starting doing this weird breathing thing. I swore he was having an attack of some sort so I snatched him off the floor ready to give him CPR or the Heimlich manuever or some other life saving technique we hear about. As soon as I picked him up, he stopped the weird breathing thing and started licking my face like "yes!, she's taking me!". I then put him down and left. I did however call my mom twice to make sure he was okay. I love that little bugger but his attempts at manipulation are admittedly a bit advanced for a dog only two years old. If he can figure out how to get to me like that, I am not looking forward to having kids (I really am but again, you know).
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: Having Apple Cider
Resumes: none
Hours on phone: a little over 1
Bought: nothing
Exercise: went up 6 flights of double steps twice, might not count but felt like exercise to me
So, I've been doing this fast and so far, things have been okay. I had a slight headache earlier but I drank some apple cider and that went away. The weird thng is, Mysterious Ex tells me today, lets go out to dinner, let's go to Maroons (one of my favorite restaraunts) when I asked him why, he tells me "just because, let's go" I then told him I was fasting which he saw as silly. He tells me, you know you are gorgeous, cut it out already. I can always count on M.E. to make me feel better about myself no matter how I'm looking or feeling.
I went to my new school today to do a sample lesson for the principal. She was very pleased (go me!) and had nothing but praise for me. Needless to say, I was very happy, it really is a great school and a really great position but God!, it is so far away. I have to travel for like an hour and a half and walk like four blocks UP STEEP HILLS. Needless to say, I am going to try to get back into pre staying home shape before I go back to work, I will be damned if some hills are going to make me look sweaty and tired before the school day even begins. Then again, I still am on the lookout for a school closer to my house so, we'll see what happens over the course of the summer.
Thanks to The Ming and Gwendolyn who always have the greatest advice and always manage to deliver said advice to me with a good laugh, you guys are great, too bad we're all so far away, we could get together and drink wine and eat pizza and cheesecake, (or whatever you ladies like to eat, those happen to be my favorite things). I cannot seem to bring myself to break things off with Mysterious Ex, I love the guy, I want things to be better between us, I know that I am doing myself a disservice by staying with him especially with things the way they are but right now unfortunately and I say it because it is a serious misfortune, I can't do it. I am not afraid to be with myself, I've done that before, no sweat. I am not afraid I won't meet anybody "better", truthfully, I don't know what it is, I'm just not ready to do it as of yet. (Maybe it has something to do with the four weddings we are supposed to attend this summer, I don't know). He is very sweet and I love him so much (can't believe I wrote that again), he's a great guy. For now, I am going to be still, if the result of choosing to do so is negative, I will just have to deal with the consequences. It isn't as though my entire life is going to fall apart, I believe I will be okay.
Samson is by far the most spoiled dog I have ever known (not that I've known many dogs personally but you know what I mean). Since I have been home with him for this long, he has grown very accustomed to having me with him all day. We are very rarely apart, and when we are, it is usually for a short period of time when he is at The Heavenly One's house for some reason or another. When I left him today at her house (he seems to know the difference between, just running to the store and going out for hours and hours) he threw himself on the floor and starting doing this weird breathing thing. I swore he was having an attack of some sort so I snatched him off the floor ready to give him CPR or the Heimlich manuever or some other life saving technique we hear about. As soon as I picked him up, he stopped the weird breathing thing and started licking my face like "yes!, she's taking me!". I then put him down and left. I did however call my mom twice to make sure he was okay. I love that little bugger but his attempts at manipulation are admittedly a bit advanced for a dog only two years old. If he can figure out how to get to me like that, I am not looking forward to having kids (I really am but again, you know).
6.09.2005
Eaten today:
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: I'll have Apple Cider (I'm fasting)
Hours on Phone: about 3
Resumes: None today
Exercise: I've been cleaning up all day if that counts
Bought: Nothing
I spent the entire day digging in all of my closets and dressers pulling out clothing that is now too small for me. Though I am trying to get back to my regular size, I threw a lot of stuff away. Am I admitting defeat? Am I making an excuse to buy new clothes once I reach my goal or am I just okay at this size? My "regular" size is three or four sized smaller than I am right now and though it bothers me somewhat, it doesn't bother me tremendously. Throwing all of those clothes away sure did hurt though.
It seems to me that this thing with Mysterious Ex is going back to where it used to be. Granted I will admit that we have made some progress and I will also admit that he has changed to some degree but, I think most of this stuff is just change on the surface, I don't see a true internal change and I am not sure if I want to stay in this "relationship".
Here is the low down, Mysterious Ex and I broke up around October because he was being a butthead and stopped speaking to me because I was talking during the presdential elections last year. We briefly began speaking again after Christmas and spoke until late January but we stopped speaking until April when he called me. We stopped speaking in January because we had a slight argument one night and then I didn't hear from him for two days. As is/was (we'll go with was) the fashion of Mysterious Ex, if he became upset over somenthing, no matter how small, he would stop speaking to me. (As a side note, he used to do this to everyone, his friends, family, even his own dad). Since I didn't hear from him, I naturally assumed he wasn't speaking to me but this time instead of waiting to see what was going on and seeing if we could work things out, I told him to go fuck himself a few times and stopped speaking to him for over a month. Finally in February, he contacted me and said he was sorry and that he wanted to try again. He said he loved me very much and that he did not want to lose me or our relationship. I posed a few questions to him along the lines of "What are you going to do to ensure that we have a healthy relationship?", "How are you going to change the way you deal with anger?", What steps are willing to take to have us be together?" He took days and days to get back to me, not one or two days but like 10 or more so I told him, forget it, you have a good life.
When we were together before, I would barely see him, he was always working, always going to the studio, doing all of this extra work, (Mysterious Ex is trying to set up his own studio and while I do applaud his efforts and ambition, he already has a job that commands 45 - 50+ hours of his time weekly and we live over an hour in driving time apart from one another) and so we didn't spend much time together. A day after M.E. and I started speaking again in April, he got into a really bad car accident. He was okay with the exception of cuts on his hand (from his windshield and he bumped his head), his truck however was in really bad shape. He had to battle with his insurance company over costs, etc and his truck had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage. He had to get the parts for his truck, then he had to get money together to have it fixed so he hasn't had a car for about 2 months or so. He has been borrowing other people's cars in order to hang out with me so, we don't get to spend ad much time together as either of us would like and here in lies my problem. I understand that Mysterious Ex can't get around like he used to and 99% of the time that I call him he is home but, it is still irritating. I think I have been very patient but I'm at the point where I want to tell him, "give me a call when you get your truck back". I know that is a mena thing to think or say but, I can't help it. Regardless of the circumstances around why things are basically the same, things are basically the same. I am being patient, I am trying to be a "good" girlfriend but, it's difficult. I have already put over a year of my time and effort into this relationship and I don't want to end it over something foolish but, I don't want to just be left in limbo either. Maybe I am being selfish (I don't think I am), maybe I'm being impatient, but I can't help it, I'm tiredof sitting here day after day, I'm tired of sleeping along night after night, I'm tired of not having a "real" boyfriend. In the days before his car accident, I used to think that M.E. was running the streets with other women and that was the reason we could never see on another, I always thought he used work and self employment as an excuse. I don't want to be a mean and selfish person but I'm tired. I said I would give our relationship a month and then I would move on if it did not work. It's been more than a month and though I do understand the circumstances and the situation, it still very much feels the same.
Breakfast: Apple Cider
Lunch: Apple Cider
Dinner: I'll have Apple Cider (I'm fasting)
Hours on Phone: about 3
Resumes: None today
Exercise: I've been cleaning up all day if that counts
Bought: Nothing
I spent the entire day digging in all of my closets and dressers pulling out clothing that is now too small for me. Though I am trying to get back to my regular size, I threw a lot of stuff away. Am I admitting defeat? Am I making an excuse to buy new clothes once I reach my goal or am I just okay at this size? My "regular" size is three or four sized smaller than I am right now and though it bothers me somewhat, it doesn't bother me tremendously. Throwing all of those clothes away sure did hurt though.
It seems to me that this thing with Mysterious Ex is going back to where it used to be. Granted I will admit that we have made some progress and I will also admit that he has changed to some degree but, I think most of this stuff is just change on the surface, I don't see a true internal change and I am not sure if I want to stay in this "relationship".
Here is the low down, Mysterious Ex and I broke up around October because he was being a butthead and stopped speaking to me because I was talking during the presdential elections last year. We briefly began speaking again after Christmas and spoke until late January but we stopped speaking until April when he called me. We stopped speaking in January because we had a slight argument one night and then I didn't hear from him for two days. As is/was (we'll go with was) the fashion of Mysterious Ex, if he became upset over somenthing, no matter how small, he would stop speaking to me. (As a side note, he used to do this to everyone, his friends, family, even his own dad). Since I didn't hear from him, I naturally assumed he wasn't speaking to me but this time instead of waiting to see what was going on and seeing if we could work things out, I told him to go fuck himself a few times and stopped speaking to him for over a month. Finally in February, he contacted me and said he was sorry and that he wanted to try again. He said he loved me very much and that he did not want to lose me or our relationship. I posed a few questions to him along the lines of "What are you going to do to ensure that we have a healthy relationship?", "How are you going to change the way you deal with anger?", What steps are willing to take to have us be together?" He took days and days to get back to me, not one or two days but like 10 or more so I told him, forget it, you have a good life.
When we were together before, I would barely see him, he was always working, always going to the studio, doing all of this extra work, (Mysterious Ex is trying to set up his own studio and while I do applaud his efforts and ambition, he already has a job that commands 45 - 50+ hours of his time weekly and we live over an hour in driving time apart from one another) and so we didn't spend much time together. A day after M.E. and I started speaking again in April, he got into a really bad car accident. He was okay with the exception of cuts on his hand (from his windshield and he bumped his head), his truck however was in really bad shape. He had to battle with his insurance company over costs, etc and his truck had over 4,000 dollars worth of damage. He had to get the parts for his truck, then he had to get money together to have it fixed so he hasn't had a car for about 2 months or so. He has been borrowing other people's cars in order to hang out with me so, we don't get to spend ad much time together as either of us would like and here in lies my problem. I understand that Mysterious Ex can't get around like he used to and 99% of the time that I call him he is home but, it is still irritating. I think I have been very patient but I'm at the point where I want to tell him, "give me a call when you get your truck back". I know that is a mena thing to think or say but, I can't help it. Regardless of the circumstances around why things are basically the same, things are basically the same. I am being patient, I am trying to be a "good" girlfriend but, it's difficult. I have already put over a year of my time and effort into this relationship and I don't want to end it over something foolish but, I don't want to just be left in limbo either. Maybe I am being selfish (I don't think I am), maybe I'm being impatient, but I can't help it, I'm tiredof sitting here day after day, I'm tired of sleeping along night after night, I'm tired of not having a "real" boyfriend. In the days before his car accident, I used to think that M.E. was running the streets with other women and that was the reason we could never see on another, I always thought he used work and self employment as an excuse. I don't want to be a mean and selfish person but I'm tired. I said I would give our relationship a month and then I would move on if it did not work. It's been more than a month and though I do understand the circumstances and the situation, it still very much feels the same.
6.08.2005
Oh My , My, My
Eaten for today:
Breakfast: Cap'n Crunch (no more Frosted Flakes) The Heavenly One thinks I should only buy Frosted Flakes, therefore, I wouldn't really run out of them. Sad to admit, but I never thought of that.
Lunch: Salami and Cheese on crackers
Dinner: I am making a chicken, andouille sausage, shrimp and vegetable stew, it smells really good so I hope it will be
Hours on Phone: about 2
Resumes: 2 so far (still looking to see if I get anything better)
Exercise: 2 hours of yard work, in the hot sun none the less
Bought: some john Irving books on ebay, 5 for $1.50, I love Ebay
It is hot, hot, hot in the city. Just a short time ago it was freezing now, God it's hot. Most of my tomato plants died in the cold so I will have to go the Home Depot and get some new ones. I was looking very forward to growing my own varieties from seed but I guess that isn't going to happen now.
Mysteriuos Ex called me very early this morning to check in on me, he thought I sounded sad when we last spoke. I am so conflicted over my feelings for him. One day he gets on my nerves like no one's business and the next day, I'm all "God I love him". I'm such a f--king nut.
Along withmy stew, I'm baking a bread from a recipe that Gwendolyn Oblivion gave me, (thanks Gwen) hope I don't screw it up too much.
Today, the lawyer (New Guy) emailed me. Here goes, (oh and get this, the subject line was "Shame", oh please):
I write with great shame and pain, I must however apoligize to you for the way you must have felt. I am not as bad a person and an "asshole" as you think, yet; I very much understand the umbrage that you feel and how vile and banal you must have thought I was. Indeed I am sorry for causing any ill-feeling.
I am but a mere mortal struggling with my own demons. I tried to tell you about my situation, but my own insecurities took the better part of me, and convinced me that I would work through my demons wthout telling you. That was poor judgement and it has nothing to do with the way I think and feel about you. I like you very much, still like you very much and have never ceased thinking about you. I am convinced that you must place me in the same category as the devil's incarnate, while I am certainly not, I again understandably accept with shame and regret your bruised emotions. I know I will look to your face again and apologize and explain in fuller details. I do understand. Remember, the dry bones shall live again.
Fondly,
the asshole (well, I signed the asshole, not him)
This was my response to him:
You do not need to apologize, my feelings are not bruised, you give yourself way too much importance. What occurred between us was not that serious nor that life shattering. The one and only person you need to apologize to is your wife for she is the person that you have hurt, she is the one that you made vows to. To place the blame on what you did as "struggling with your own demons" is nothing but a cowardly cop out. You are a grown man fully capable and aware of your actions. The blame should not be placed on your demons but on yourself. Your wife sounds like a wonderful and beautiful woman, you should be ashamed of yourself to put her through the embarrassment of having to speak to another woman that you were "involved" with. I hope that you are able to rectify your actions before you lose someone who has committed herself to you.
And, whether you want to admit it or not, you are an asshole. You're not very much of a person either but your actions rest on your head and your head only. You have to look yourself in the face everyday knowing that you are a deceitful, conniving liar and that can in no way feel good.
Take care
My Name
Could you imagine his "I still like you" bit, am I 16 and stupid? I mean come on, does he think I'm all "oh, he still likes me, what joy", stupid idiot, men really will try anything. As Gwen so eloquently put it, "here's to hoping he dies alone". Truer more thoughtful words have never been spoken.
So, this morning when Mysterious Ex called me, I asked him, How are you feeling? His answer was, and I quote, "I don't know, just feeling a little blah". What the fuck, my crazy little mind was racing, did he read my blog? Did he find it? I mean, I've given out enough information with the exception of our names that he would have to be a complete idiot to not recognize us in this thing. I obssessed over it for at leat an hour before I let it go. Then I had to think, did I get the "blah" thing from Mysterious Ex or is that something I've been saying for a while and now he just happens to say it too? Is it a very common thing to say to someone, "I'm feeling blah"? My God, I'm so scared, kind of. I mean, M.E. is no slouch when it comes to computer literacy, actually admittedly, the guy is a damned genius it would really not take much for him to find this, all he would have to do is google my screen name. Am I the only nut who googles peoples screen names? How many people do this? See, there I go being crazy again. Whenever someone posts a comment, I'm thinking it's going to be him saying "found it bitch, you're busted!" Even though I know Mysterious Ex would never do such a thing, he doesn't speak that way, especially to me, I am the potty mouth in this relationship. Ah well, I guess those are the pains of posting ones personal business on a forum available to EVERYBODY. If you are reading this and you think you are Mysterious Ex, believe me, you're not.
Breakfast: Cap'n Crunch (no more Frosted Flakes) The Heavenly One thinks I should only buy Frosted Flakes, therefore, I wouldn't really run out of them. Sad to admit, but I never thought of that.
Lunch: Salami and Cheese on crackers
Dinner: I am making a chicken, andouille sausage, shrimp and vegetable stew, it smells really good so I hope it will be
Hours on Phone: about 2
Resumes: 2 so far (still looking to see if I get anything better)
Exercise: 2 hours of yard work, in the hot sun none the less
Bought: some john Irving books on ebay, 5 for $1.50, I love Ebay
It is hot, hot, hot in the city. Just a short time ago it was freezing now, God it's hot. Most of my tomato plants died in the cold so I will have to go the Home Depot and get some new ones. I was looking very forward to growing my own varieties from seed but I guess that isn't going to happen now.
Mysteriuos Ex called me very early this morning to check in on me, he thought I sounded sad when we last spoke. I am so conflicted over my feelings for him. One day he gets on my nerves like no one's business and the next day, I'm all "God I love him". I'm such a f--king nut.
Along withmy stew, I'm baking a bread from a recipe that Gwendolyn Oblivion gave me, (thanks Gwen) hope I don't screw it up too much.
Today, the lawyer (New Guy) emailed me. Here goes, (oh and get this, the subject line was "Shame", oh please):
I write with great shame and pain, I must however apoligize to you for the way you must have felt. I am not as bad a person and an "asshole" as you think, yet; I very much understand the umbrage that you feel and how vile and banal you must have thought I was. Indeed I am sorry for causing any ill-feeling.
I am but a mere mortal struggling with my own demons. I tried to tell you about my situation, but my own insecurities took the better part of me, and convinced me that I would work through my demons wthout telling you. That was poor judgement and it has nothing to do with the way I think and feel about you. I like you very much, still like you very much and have never ceased thinking about you. I am convinced that you must place me in the same category as the devil's incarnate, while I am certainly not, I again understandably accept with shame and regret your bruised emotions. I know I will look to your face again and apologize and explain in fuller details. I do understand. Remember, the dry bones shall live again.
Fondly,
the asshole (well, I signed the asshole, not him)
This was my response to him:
You do not need to apologize, my feelings are not bruised, you give yourself way too much importance. What occurred between us was not that serious nor that life shattering. The one and only person you need to apologize to is your wife for she is the person that you have hurt, she is the one that you made vows to. To place the blame on what you did as "struggling with your own demons" is nothing but a cowardly cop out. You are a grown man fully capable and aware of your actions. The blame should not be placed on your demons but on yourself. Your wife sounds like a wonderful and beautiful woman, you should be ashamed of yourself to put her through the embarrassment of having to speak to another woman that you were "involved" with. I hope that you are able to rectify your actions before you lose someone who has committed herself to you.
And, whether you want to admit it or not, you are an asshole. You're not very much of a person either but your actions rest on your head and your head only. You have to look yourself in the face everyday knowing that you are a deceitful, conniving liar and that can in no way feel good.
Take care
My Name
Could you imagine his "I still like you" bit, am I 16 and stupid? I mean come on, does he think I'm all "oh, he still likes me, what joy", stupid idiot, men really will try anything. As Gwen so eloquently put it, "here's to hoping he dies alone". Truer more thoughtful words have never been spoken.
So, this morning when Mysterious Ex called me, I asked him, How are you feeling? His answer was, and I quote, "I don't know, just feeling a little blah". What the fuck, my crazy little mind was racing, did he read my blog? Did he find it? I mean, I've given out enough information with the exception of our names that he would have to be a complete idiot to not recognize us in this thing. I obssessed over it for at leat an hour before I let it go. Then I had to think, did I get the "blah" thing from Mysterious Ex or is that something I've been saying for a while and now he just happens to say it too? Is it a very common thing to say to someone, "I'm feeling blah"? My God, I'm so scared, kind of. I mean, M.E. is no slouch when it comes to computer literacy, actually admittedly, the guy is a damned genius it would really not take much for him to find this, all he would have to do is google my screen name. Am I the only nut who googles peoples screen names? How many people do this? See, there I go being crazy again. Whenever someone posts a comment, I'm thinking it's going to be him saying "found it bitch, you're busted!" Even though I know Mysterious Ex would never do such a thing, he doesn't speak that way, especially to me, I am the potty mouth in this relationship. Ah well, I guess those are the pains of posting ones personal business on a forum available to EVERYBODY. If you are reading this and you think you are Mysterious Ex, believe me, you're not.
6.06.2005
My Feelings of Malcontent Continue
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: grapes, banana, orange juice
Lunch: seafood gumbo (made by my brother)
Snack: Pear, lots of water
Dinner: Haven't eaten dinner yet but thinking of popcorn, ice cream, donuts and possible some cookies, it isn't right but it's just one of those days dammit
Exercise: none officially but, I did walk up some giant hill, twice
Hours on Phone: Less than 1, haven't been home that long
Resumes: none, though I'll probably send off a few before the day is over
Bought: a taxi ride back and forth (it was crazy hot today)
Thanks to The Ming and of course to my dear Gwen (not that Ming is not dear, I love her too) for the great advice, you girls put a great big smile on my face, ah someone cares.
I was offered another job today. Isn't that always the way? No job = no job offers. Job = Lots of job offers. It's a great school, even better than the first school but, it's so far from my house. I would have to travel like a hour and a half just to get their. Boy, I'm not sure if I am up to that.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today though truthfully, I didn't want to. I was going to just ignore him (he has done this to me in the past, I know, I'm stupid) but, I figured at the very least, I should speak to him. I wanted to say M.E. this isn't working. I'm not happy, things aren't going the way I want them to go, I think we should stop, I can't do this anymore. Instead, our conversation went more along the lines of:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, (or whatever it was he was saying).
Me:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, radio, blah, computer, blah, not feeling well, blah.
Me:
Mysterious Ex: What wrong MY NAME?
Me: Nothing.
Mysterious Ex: Yes there is, what's wrong, tell me
Me: Nothing really, I'm okay
Mysterious Ex: What's wrong, why don't you tell me? Are you sick, tired, bothered, what's wrong?
Me: Nothing
Mysterious Ex: I'm going to go to my brother's house, are you sure you are okay? I'll call you later
Me: Okay
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye
Me: Be careful, bye
The phone then rings again.
Me: Hello
Mysterious Ex: Are you sure you're okay
Me: Yes, good bye.
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye.
I am not entirely sure what is wrong. I have this feeling of what can only be described as blah. I don't know if it's because of Mysterious Ex or if he is just adding to it. I'm not sure if we are on the right track. I know that when we were apart, I was so sad, my heart hurt so much, that isn't something that normally happens with me. Usually I break up today and in at least a week, I am okay again. So, I think I love him. I'm realizing now that the whole New Guy thing wasn't so much confusing as it was a distraction from my relationship with M.E. Am I feeling this way because we are supposedly serious and I am scared? If we are supposed to be serious, why do I feel our relationship is so crappy? Do I think it's crappy because that's the way I'm making it out to be? Are things really okay between us but I'm making it seem un - okay? If I am, what kind of sick shit is that? I think I won't speak to him for a few days, just to clear things out, just to have a better understanding of my feelings. I mean, we fought so hard to get back together, I'm sure that wasn't done just for the hell of it. I know that he loves me, I know that he cares for me. I also know that somthing is bothering me. Again, I'm not sure of what I should do.
I'm going to hang out with The Heavenly One now. She has all of the junk food I wanted for dinner at her house.
Breakfast: grapes, banana, orange juice
Lunch: seafood gumbo (made by my brother)
Snack: Pear, lots of water
Dinner: Haven't eaten dinner yet but thinking of popcorn, ice cream, donuts and possible some cookies, it isn't right but it's just one of those days dammit
Exercise: none officially but, I did walk up some giant hill, twice
Hours on Phone: Less than 1, haven't been home that long
Resumes: none, though I'll probably send off a few before the day is over
Bought: a taxi ride back and forth (it was crazy hot today)
Thanks to The Ming and of course to my dear Gwen (not that Ming is not dear, I love her too) for the great advice, you girls put a great big smile on my face, ah someone cares.
I was offered another job today. Isn't that always the way? No job = no job offers. Job = Lots of job offers. It's a great school, even better than the first school but, it's so far from my house. I would have to travel like a hour and a half just to get their. Boy, I'm not sure if I am up to that.
I spoke to Mysterious Ex today though truthfully, I didn't want to. I was going to just ignore him (he has done this to me in the past, I know, I'm stupid) but, I figured at the very least, I should speak to him. I wanted to say M.E. this isn't working. I'm not happy, things aren't going the way I want them to go, I think we should stop, I can't do this anymore. Instead, our conversation went more along the lines of:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, (or whatever it was he was saying).
Me:
Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, radio, blah, computer, blah, not feeling well, blah.
Me:
Mysterious Ex: What wrong MY NAME?
Me: Nothing.
Mysterious Ex: Yes there is, what's wrong, tell me
Me: Nothing really, I'm okay
Mysterious Ex: What's wrong, why don't you tell me? Are you sick, tired, bothered, what's wrong?
Me: Nothing
Mysterious Ex: I'm going to go to my brother's house, are you sure you are okay? I'll call you later
Me: Okay
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye
Me: Be careful, bye
The phone then rings again.
Me: Hello
Mysterious Ex: Are you sure you're okay
Me: Yes, good bye.
Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye.
I am not entirely sure what is wrong. I have this feeling of what can only be described as blah. I don't know if it's because of Mysterious Ex or if he is just adding to it. I'm not sure if we are on the right track. I know that when we were apart, I was so sad, my heart hurt so much, that isn't something that normally happens with me. Usually I break up today and in at least a week, I am okay again. So, I think I love him. I'm realizing now that the whole New Guy thing wasn't so much confusing as it was a distraction from my relationship with M.E. Am I feeling this way because we are supposedly serious and I am scared? If we are supposed to be serious, why do I feel our relationship is so crappy? Do I think it's crappy because that's the way I'm making it out to be? Are things really okay between us but I'm making it seem un - okay? If I am, what kind of sick shit is that? I think I won't speak to him for a few days, just to clear things out, just to have a better understanding of my feelings. I mean, we fought so hard to get back together, I'm sure that wasn't done just for the hell of it. I know that he loves me, I know that he cares for me. I also know that somthing is bothering me. Again, I'm not sure of what I should do.
I'm going to hang out with The Heavenly One now. She has all of the junk food I wanted for dinner at her house.
6.05.2005
pick a title, any title at all
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 2 cake donuts and hazelnut coffee
Lunch: Popcorn
Dinner: Salami and Cheese on Crackers
Hours on Phone: about 1 read all day
Resumes: none, I have two interviews tomorrow (don't want to go to either one. I have a job but am still looking)
Exercise: none
Bought: nothing
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! That is how I feel today. I want to cry, but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because I guess the feeling hasn't gotten that bleak as of yet. Went to visit The Heavenly One this morning but high tailed it out of there when she started complaining about Sam and I scratching up her newly polished living room table even though I just SAT on the the couch and didn't even look at the table. She can be so weird sometimes. She called me later to aplologize and ask me to have dinner with her but, I just took Sam over to play with Delilah (my mom's dog) and came back home. I told Mysterious Ex I was going out with my cousin T today. Just feeling very sad and not much in the mood for talking or hanging out.
I am not sure what I should do. I've been thinking all day long. Thinking about all sorts of things. How I will be 28 in a few short months, and I am no where near where I thought I would be. How I don't really want to go back to graduate school and I don't want to be a school prinicipal but, how I have to do something because I don't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I've been thinking about my dead end relationship and how I should really get out of it. I've been thinking about how the first three months of this year were so terrible because Mysterious Ex and I weren't speaking and how happy I was when he called me after all of that time. I'm thinking about how I always have advice for other people, but I can never seem to get my own life together. I'm thinking about how everyone thinks I have shit pulled together and how I'm actually a big mess. I'm thinking about how Mysterious Ex might come across this blog and recognize it's me and how he'll find out about New Guy and all the shit I really think about him. I'm thinking about why I am afraid of telling M.E. to fuck off and how I am so afraid of not being able to be with him though admittedly, our relationship basically sucks. I'm thinking about how I have to be so frugal this summer because I won't actually have an income until September and how that isn't exactly true because it always takes a few weeks before your name is officially in payroll. I'm thinking about how I can get to this age, pop all of the shit I pop, yet still be too afraid to stand p for myself. I'm thinking about how I feel weak when the only thing I want to do is be strong. I'm thinking about why I even have to play this strong woman bullshit and why I just can't be myself. I'm thinking about leaving New York, starting over somewhere else and possibly having a better life. I'm thinking about how my horoscope today said that tomorrow will be the start of a great new state in my relationship, a stage filled with committment or a whole new relationship. I'm thinkiing aboout going on a crazy high school type crash diet because I have gotten way too fat. I'm thinking about why I've holed myself up in the house all day, and why I feel so bad about dating soemone else when Mysterious Ex is not fulfilling my relationship needs. I'm thinking about how I am always last to him and how I send him the message that it is okay because I am always here for him. I'm thinking about all the promises he made me this time around and how only a few of them have come into fruition. I wonder if I am wasting my life, if I am wasting my time, if I am keeping myself from a greater destiny. I'm wondering if it's time to move on, if it's time to seek something else, if it's time to turn lose. I'm thinking I wish the tears would just come so that I can get rid of this sad feeling, this slow, tired, unwanting feeling in my chest. I don't know what to do.
Breakfast: 2 cake donuts and hazelnut coffee
Lunch: Popcorn
Dinner: Salami and Cheese on Crackers
Hours on Phone: about 1 read all day
Resumes: none, I have two interviews tomorrow (don't want to go to either one. I have a job but am still looking)
Exercise: none
Bought: nothing
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! That is how I feel today. I want to cry, but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because I guess the feeling hasn't gotten that bleak as of yet. Went to visit The Heavenly One this morning but high tailed it out of there when she started complaining about Sam and I scratching up her newly polished living room table even though I just SAT on the the couch and didn't even look at the table. She can be so weird sometimes. She called me later to aplologize and ask me to have dinner with her but, I just took Sam over to play with Delilah (my mom's dog) and came back home. I told Mysterious Ex I was going out with my cousin T today. Just feeling very sad and not much in the mood for talking or hanging out.
I am not sure what I should do. I've been thinking all day long. Thinking about all sorts of things. How I will be 28 in a few short months, and I am no where near where I thought I would be. How I don't really want to go back to graduate school and I don't want to be a school prinicipal but, how I have to do something because I don't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I've been thinking about my dead end relationship and how I should really get out of it. I've been thinking about how the first three months of this year were so terrible because Mysterious Ex and I weren't speaking and how happy I was when he called me after all of that time. I'm thinking about how I always have advice for other people, but I can never seem to get my own life together. I'm thinking about how everyone thinks I have shit pulled together and how I'm actually a big mess. I'm thinking about how Mysterious Ex might come across this blog and recognize it's me and how he'll find out about New Guy and all the shit I really think about him. I'm thinking about why I am afraid of telling M.E. to fuck off and how I am so afraid of not being able to be with him though admittedly, our relationship basically sucks. I'm thinking about how I have to be so frugal this summer because I won't actually have an income until September and how that isn't exactly true because it always takes a few weeks before your name is officially in payroll. I'm thinking about how I can get to this age, pop all of the shit I pop, yet still be too afraid to stand p for myself. I'm thinking about how I feel weak when the only thing I want to do is be strong. I'm thinking about why I even have to play this strong woman bullshit and why I just can't be myself. I'm thinking about leaving New York, starting over somewhere else and possibly having a better life. I'm thinking about how my horoscope today said that tomorrow will be the start of a great new state in my relationship, a stage filled with committment or a whole new relationship. I'm thinkiing aboout going on a crazy high school type crash diet because I have gotten way too fat. I'm thinking about why I've holed myself up in the house all day, and why I feel so bad about dating soemone else when Mysterious Ex is not fulfilling my relationship needs. I'm thinking about how I am always last to him and how I send him the message that it is okay because I am always here for him. I'm thinking about all the promises he made me this time around and how only a few of them have come into fruition. I wonder if I am wasting my life, if I am wasting my time, if I am keeping myself from a greater destiny. I'm wondering if it's time to move on, if it's time to seek something else, if it's time to turn lose. I'm thinking I wish the tears would just come so that I can get rid of this sad feeling, this slow, tired, unwanting feeling in my chest. I don't know what to do.
Okay, so here I am at the age of 27 and I can honestly say that I have never truly had a real adult relationship. Sure, I've had boyfriends, I think I have one now but, I can honestly say that none of the relationships that I have been apart of have been these true adult type dating situations. I have many friends who have had the same experience, I have friends who haven't. I sometimes wonder is it because I am Black and the majority of men I am datin are also Black? I mean, I am not dating the stereotypical Black guy that our media so loves to portray, funny thing is, I don't run into that type of guy too often, are there less of them around than others would have you believe or is it just the type of guy that I am attracted to/who is attracted to me? I read all of these articles in Essence, Honey, etc. that say how there are fewer and fewer Black men to go around, that "The Black Woman" is leaving "The Black Man" behind in droves both financially, socially and education wise. THe last few guys that I have dated have been Black, they have all been educated, no children and single (or at least I thought so in the case of New Guy) but, they have still been assholes. I mean, what gives? Is it just that men in general are assholes or is this something that is concentrated to Black guys? Many of my White friends or friends of a different race, Latino, Asian, European (not to say that they are not White but, not American) are in relationships if that is where they choose to be. Their relationships tend to be okay to average or they are engaged or married or at least have a long term living together situation. Yet, all of my Black friends seem to have this same problem, lack of committment or even a decent relationship when dating Black men. I don't want to be down or racist but basically what the fuck is up with Black guys? I mean, even my friends who are not Black but date Black men seem to be having problems. It isn't something that I am going to make a blanket statement about because both my brothers are obviously Black and they are good men, the majority of my male cousins are Black and I can honestly say that they are good guys too, my two best male friends are Black and great guys so I know they are out there, it's just that I and almost every other woman I know seems to have a hard time finding them.
Last year, my cousin T and I went to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company. The crowd was fully intergrated but, there was a huge group missing, straight Black Men. There were White Women with White Men, there were White Women with Asian Men, their were Asian Women with Asian Men and Asian Women with White Men, there were people of no identifiable race with one another, there were Gay Black Men with Gay Black Men, there were Black Women with WHITE MEN and then there were Black Women with..... BLACK WOMEN (my cousin and I included). What is up with this? Whenever I go anywhere, there is the same thing. Sure, you see Black Men and Women together but overwhelmingly, there are Black Women in a group or with another Woman as a "date". Every school year, teachers have a end of the year party and it is the same thing. All of the female teachers have their spouses, as do all of the male teachers, but the young Black teachers are always sitting together, basically dateless (I am among this crowd). So, what gives?
I mean, even when these men are educated, well bred, and seem to have themselves and their lives together (at leat externally), there always seems to be some problem just lurking beneath the surface, waiting to fuck any semblance of a good relationship up. I can truthfully say that all of my friends are very decent, well educated, hard working, ambitious good women. So why is it such a trial to find a man to compliment them? I have dated outside of my race and while I don't have anything against other cultures, I sometimes feel that it is my duty as a Black Woman to meet, marry and reproduce with a Black Man. There is something, I have no idea what, that tells me I must have Black babies, that I must live this life as a woman strong and dedicated to her culture, her race. I kind of see it as my duty to do what my parents did, kind of like a "see, we are not all crackheads and welfare recipients, we have strong family foundations and can compete in this world. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being narrow minded. I am not sure. Am I trying to live a real life Cosby Show? I don't think so because I've seen it. All of my aunts and uncles from both my parents lived this life. I was raised in a "Cosby" home. I know many others who did also. But why does it seem so unattainable?
I asked The Heavenly One, how do you know when there is love? How do you know when you can stop looking and say, this is it? I've found it and I don't have to look any further? She tells me, "You just know, you just do. I can't tell you this is it, you've got it, that's something you just have to figure out for yourself". I look at my parents, who had this great relationship until my dad died and I think, how did they get that? How did they know this is it? What does "it" feel like? I once thought I had it, I was set to be married and the whole shebang. But, when I stepped back from it, I realized how unhappy I was but the sick thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was unhappy. I know that is not it, I know that there shouldn't be this helpless melancholy attachment to love but I also know it isn't cherries and sprinkles all of the time either.
Last year I went to visit my sister and her husband who in my opinion have the strongest marriage other than my parents that I ever seen and I asked them, "how did you guys do this"? Their story was so simple, he told me he had given up on meeting anyone, (mind you he was like 25 at the time) and he had just resigned himself to living life as a bachelor. She had just started at his job as an office assistant and there she was. They became friends, which they stayed for about a year and then they got married. They have been married for like 25 years and they together are amazing. I swear this is true and anyone who knows them says the same thing, love just radiates off of them. When they look at each other, you can just tell they love the hell out of each other. That was how my parents were, even if they were arguing you could just feel this energy around them, it was weird. I guess growing up with that I feel that that is what love is supposed to be, this continuing thing, not really like passion or ecstasy but this thing so strong you just want to baske in it all day, you want to touch it. Especailly after I moved out of their house, I loved to visit my parents because something as simple as having lunch with them was this pleasant experience. When my parents were in the same room, my heart felt literally as though it were going to burst, there was all of this energy flying around the room, it was weird.
So I ask, is this a generational thing? Are Black men now a days so wrapped up in the moment of machismo or trying to be "hard" that they cannot submit to a woman? Is it an uncool thing to do, to admit that one is in love, to want to settle down, to want to act decently towards a woman? Is it beacuse we've grown to this point where we feel as though we don't need one another, since there is no longer a strict and defined "Black Community" as in times of segregation where we had to be united in order to make it in this world? What is it? Because I'd truly like to know. I don't even date men my own age (usually the people I date are at least 5 years older than me and many times much more than just five years) and it is still something that I run across. I know two women, both in their thirties, both well educated with great careers and a lot to offer who have decided to have children on their own, no longer waiting for "that guy" to come along. I myself, no longer being reproductively young (let's face it, I only have like a good 8 - 10 years of breeding) have set aside a plan for single parenting. It isn't that I don't want to be married or have that life but, who am I going to do that with? The older I get, the smaller the pool of men that are available to me seem to get. Even Mysterious Ex who I think is a great guy, and who is for the record, 7 years older than me, does not now at this moment or even anywhere in the near future seem as though someone I would marry. Love him or not, I must admit that I don't see him as being ready for that type of life for a variety of reasons. I mean, this is the first time in our knowing one another that we have gone this long without not talking to one another or having some type of huge thing, (and truth be told, our relationship still is not what I feel it should be at this stage of our knowing one another, we should have been here a year ago).
So, what are my options? What do I do? I do realize quite often that I am not being fair to myself, that I am selling myself short by being apart of something that I can honestly say I don't truly see coming to pass as I would like. I mean, I can say from my heart that what M.E. and I have is not solid, that it is not a true relationship, that I don't even feel as though I am truly apart of his life, it's harsh, but it's true, ideally, it is not what I would choose to be apart of. I've been in this place for over a year now. I'm still asking the same questions I was asking this time last year with no definitive answers. Logically I know what I should do. But when has logic ever had a place in matters of the heart? And, what does that say about me, staying apart of something that I know in my heart is not right? What am I doing to myself, and why do I feel as though such a small relationship is good enough for me?
Last year, my cousin T and I went to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company. The crowd was fully intergrated but, there was a huge group missing, straight Black Men. There were White Women with White Men, there were White Women with Asian Men, their were Asian Women with Asian Men and Asian Women with White Men, there were people of no identifiable race with one another, there were Gay Black Men with Gay Black Men, there were Black Women with WHITE MEN and then there were Black Women with..... BLACK WOMEN (my cousin and I included). What is up with this? Whenever I go anywhere, there is the same thing. Sure, you see Black Men and Women together but overwhelmingly, there are Black Women in a group or with another Woman as a "date". Every school year, teachers have a end of the year party and it is the same thing. All of the female teachers have their spouses, as do all of the male teachers, but the young Black teachers are always sitting together, basically dateless (I am among this crowd). So, what gives?
I mean, even when these men are educated, well bred, and seem to have themselves and their lives together (at leat externally), there always seems to be some problem just lurking beneath the surface, waiting to fuck any semblance of a good relationship up. I can truthfully say that all of my friends are very decent, well educated, hard working, ambitious good women. So why is it such a trial to find a man to compliment them? I have dated outside of my race and while I don't have anything against other cultures, I sometimes feel that it is my duty as a Black Woman to meet, marry and reproduce with a Black Man. There is something, I have no idea what, that tells me I must have Black babies, that I must live this life as a woman strong and dedicated to her culture, her race. I kind of see it as my duty to do what my parents did, kind of like a "see, we are not all crackheads and welfare recipients, we have strong family foundations and can compete in this world. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being narrow minded. I am not sure. Am I trying to live a real life Cosby Show? I don't think so because I've seen it. All of my aunts and uncles from both my parents lived this life. I was raised in a "Cosby" home. I know many others who did also. But why does it seem so unattainable?
I asked The Heavenly One, how do you know when there is love? How do you know when you can stop looking and say, this is it? I've found it and I don't have to look any further? She tells me, "You just know, you just do. I can't tell you this is it, you've got it, that's something you just have to figure out for yourself". I look at my parents, who had this great relationship until my dad died and I think, how did they get that? How did they know this is it? What does "it" feel like? I once thought I had it, I was set to be married and the whole shebang. But, when I stepped back from it, I realized how unhappy I was but the sick thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was unhappy. I know that is not it, I know that there shouldn't be this helpless melancholy attachment to love but I also know it isn't cherries and sprinkles all of the time either.
Last year I went to visit my sister and her husband who in my opinion have the strongest marriage other than my parents that I ever seen and I asked them, "how did you guys do this"? Their story was so simple, he told me he had given up on meeting anyone, (mind you he was like 25 at the time) and he had just resigned himself to living life as a bachelor. She had just started at his job as an office assistant and there she was. They became friends, which they stayed for about a year and then they got married. They have been married for like 25 years and they together are amazing. I swear this is true and anyone who knows them says the same thing, love just radiates off of them. When they look at each other, you can just tell they love the hell out of each other. That was how my parents were, even if they were arguing you could just feel this energy around them, it was weird. I guess growing up with that I feel that that is what love is supposed to be, this continuing thing, not really like passion or ecstasy but this thing so strong you just want to baske in it all day, you want to touch it. Especailly after I moved out of their house, I loved to visit my parents because something as simple as having lunch with them was this pleasant experience. When my parents were in the same room, my heart felt literally as though it were going to burst, there was all of this energy flying around the room, it was weird.
So I ask, is this a generational thing? Are Black men now a days so wrapped up in the moment of machismo or trying to be "hard" that they cannot submit to a woman? Is it an uncool thing to do, to admit that one is in love, to want to settle down, to want to act decently towards a woman? Is it beacuse we've grown to this point where we feel as though we don't need one another, since there is no longer a strict and defined "Black Community" as in times of segregation where we had to be united in order to make it in this world? What is it? Because I'd truly like to know. I don't even date men my own age (usually the people I date are at least 5 years older than me and many times much more than just five years) and it is still something that I run across. I know two women, both in their thirties, both well educated with great careers and a lot to offer who have decided to have children on their own, no longer waiting for "that guy" to come along. I myself, no longer being reproductively young (let's face it, I only have like a good 8 - 10 years of breeding) have set aside a plan for single parenting. It isn't that I don't want to be married or have that life but, who am I going to do that with? The older I get, the smaller the pool of men that are available to me seem to get. Even Mysterious Ex who I think is a great guy, and who is for the record, 7 years older than me, does not now at this moment or even anywhere in the near future seem as though someone I would marry. Love him or not, I must admit that I don't see him as being ready for that type of life for a variety of reasons. I mean, this is the first time in our knowing one another that we have gone this long without not talking to one another or having some type of huge thing, (and truth be told, our relationship still is not what I feel it should be at this stage of our knowing one another, we should have been here a year ago).
So, what are my options? What do I do? I do realize quite often that I am not being fair to myself, that I am selling myself short by being apart of something that I can honestly say I don't truly see coming to pass as I would like. I mean, I can say from my heart that what M.E. and I have is not solid, that it is not a true relationship, that I don't even feel as though I am truly apart of his life, it's harsh, but it's true, ideally, it is not what I would choose to be apart of. I've been in this place for over a year now. I'm still asking the same questions I was asking this time last year with no definitive answers. Logically I know what I should do. But when has logic ever had a place in matters of the heart? And, what does that say about me, staying apart of something that I know in my heart is not right? What am I doing to myself, and why do I feel as though such a small relationship is good enough for me?
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