I am very, very sad today. I am on the verge of tears as I write this. I am down to my last bit of money, and I still haven't found a job. Thank God I own this place and it isn't cold enough for heat because I don't know what I would do. I am trying to be as frugal as possible, I did go shopping but, that was on my Lane Bryant card which is like 20 dollars a month so, I'm okay on that end. I am tired of being in this house, I am tired of walking around this horrible neighborhood, I am tired of not having a job. I don't know what else to do. My house has never been cleaner, I have never been so caught up on my laundry, I've never had a shorter list of "wanna read" books and I've never wathced so much television in my life. I've made dolls, I've improved my baking and cooking skills, my garden has not one weed, I am bored as hell. I cannot take it any longer. I want to get out of the house, do something (other than go on a date with one of those men), but this being New York, I have to pay my 20 dollar walk out of the house tax and right now, I can not afford that. I haven't gone food shopping in a while, I've been living off of the stuff that is usually in my freezer that I never eat so yesterday, I made spaghetti and frozen meatballs (my mom gave me those like a LOOOOONG time ago). Now believe me, I will not starve but, I am down to rice, ramen noodles, some packages of chicken, ground turkey a couple more packages of pasta (thanks mommy!) and what I believe is a beef brisket (which I have NEVER cooked, was probably given to me by my mom and HAS to be about two or more years old). I am just sick, I applied to work summer school but, I haven't worked Summer school in a while, I probably won't get called unless someone dies or something. I think my god, what did I do to get myself into this predicament? I've always been this dream chaser, always going after what I want in life, I've always loved that part of myself but now, I think it's gotten me into deep shit. If I had stayed at my job instead of trying to do my own thing, I'd be living it up right now. Everyone gives me all of this credit and kudos for following my heart and doing things on my terms but all of those people get a pay check every week. I think I'm angry at myself. I don't want to do that to me because I don't want to kill that part of my personality. I love my free loving self. I love the fact that I want to do my own thing, but at what cost?

As I'm sitting here in my self wallowing glory, I realize, I want a "real" relationship. Here I have been playing with Mysterious Ex for over a year and this is stupid, I need more than this, I want someone who is dependable, who I know has my back and is on my side. I don't feel that I have that from him. He is unreliable, he is iffy. That is not what I want in my life. I am 27, everyone tells me, you're young, you're a kid but, I don't feel that. I am at a stage in my life where I'd like to know exactly what I am doing, not "hoping" for the best or wishing that things would be a certain way. I am tired of my relationship with Mysterious Ex. Our "thing" upsets me. I know that I deserve more, I know that I want more. This brings me to this thing with New Guy. I don't think I want him either. I like him but, there isn't that silly spark thing that I think I should feel. He's nice to hang out with, he's a cool guy but I'm not gaga over him. Should that come later on? Should that be there already? Who knows, maybe I'm just upset and slinging a bunch of crap now. I'm just tired of everything, I'm ready to move, I've been in this place, physically and spiritually for too long.

I was offered a job in South Carolina. I was thinking about going then I thought, God, I don't have any money, how am I going to get myself down there? I thought of renting my place but, where would I stay until I got enough money to get there? If I did one of thouse first and second month contracts, I could get enough money to go but, where would I put all of my stuff? Do I take everything with me? Do I rent out my place already furnished and buy new things in SC? I figured I could get about 1200 - 1500 a month since I have a two bedroom. Rent for a two bedroom in Columbia is only 500 a month, a deposit plus the extra charge for Sam is only like 100 dollars. Added with the money I have now, theoretically, I could do it. That might be something I will have to think about. I want to leave New York in a few years anyway, this will just be jumping the gun.

I was thinking of dying my hair today but then I thought, God, I don't have money to just dye my hair right now but then I think screw it, I should just spend the money and think about the consequences later, sometimes you have to do that. I was even thinking of shopping today, LB has these real woman dollars and I have like 10 of them, shopping would make me feel a hell of a lot better. I think I'll just stay put though, I'm in one of those moods where I'll go off and do all kinds of things and then regret them later. Today though, is a pig out kind of day. I'll probably end up going to the store and buying a bunch of crap an cramming it down my throat. I have some money in my emergency fund that I could use for a situation just like this. Think I'll just blow dry my hair, give myself a pedicure and take it from there. Woe is me.

What's Going On?

I swear I must have a portal or something under my bed. In the last two days, I have lost my makeup and some nail glue. Mind you under my bed, there isn't much. I only have six pairs of shoes, shoes that don't fit in my shoe closet, and old speaker lifters. There isn't anything else. So, the other day before my interview, I of course did my makeup. I was not in a rush or anything like that, I put everything I used that morning, my makeup, powder, lipstick. perfume and deodarant on the shelf near my bed as I always do. I came up and went to clean off my shelf, to put things back where they should go and my foundation is missing. No big deal I think, it must have rolled on the floor or something. But I have looked everywhere, under the bed, on the shelf, I've moved all of the shoes from under the bed, I've basically thrown, (very gently) my bedroom apart and still haven't found it. I figured since I was looking under the bed, I might as well do a thorough cleaning. I found some hair pins and a hair clip but no foundation. I then looked in every pocketbook I own, even though I've only been using one lately no foundation. I looked in every room of my apartment, still no foundation, where has this thing gone? So this morning, I'm sitting across the bed reading the paper when I drop my nail glue, (in addition to reading the paper, I was gluing on one of my fake nails that fell off), anyway, I drop the nail glue and now that is gone too. Mind you, there isn't ANYTHING under the bed now wince I pulled those shoes out. Where does this stuff go? It's kind of scary but, it's truly annoying too. I want my crap back.

OMG, my mom just called me and since I was writing an entry in this blog, I told her, I can't talk right now, let me give you a call back in a few minutes. Her response was "why? One of your boyfriends is over?" My god, if I didn't feel like a whore before, now I do.

I thought the confusion was supposed to go away

Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Cup of oatmeal, two slices of whole wheat toast, orange juice

Dinner: Chef Salad, Ice cream, snickers miniatures (my mom gave them to me)

Hours on phone: about 2.5

Resumes: 4

Exercise: None

Bought: new tongue ring and doll hair (I'm starting a new doll)


The last few days have been okay I guess. I have seen Mysterious Ex and New Guy twice each in the last five days so today, I am getting a much needed rest. Right now I guess things are okay. I am enjoying both their company, I'm going out a lot and I almost always have something to do but, things will not stay this uncomplicated. Yesterday, New Guy asked me if I would mind if he introduced me as his girlfriend when I met his friends. I feel really bad, I want to tell him "no, I'm not your girlfriend, don't do that" but then I think, New Guy would make a great boyfriend, why wouldn't I want him to be? Then I remember Mysterious Ex who has been making this great effort in our relationship, it's so weird. It's like he never does any of the silly things he used to do. It makes it a very strange situation for me to be apart of. I am not going to be able to keep this two "boyfriend" thing up, eventually, I am going to have to choose someone. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings in the the end of all of this, I can't be that person.

I was beginnign to get a bit worried because I haven't really heard from Lane Bryant. I think I would be great working there plus, I really want to work there. I was getting kind of anxious then, I had to remember I really only went on the interview two days ago. I guess it will take them that long to make decisions and call references. I have to admit that I am very nervous though. It has never taken me this long to get a job and truthfully, I can't understand why it is taking so long. I was going to call my alma mater and set up a meeting with the employment office thinking maybe they had some tips or techniques that I could probably use.

I have to exercise more. Though I haven't been gaining weight, I haven't been losing any either. I eat too much but, being home is conducive to overeating. I really don't have much to do, I rarely skip a meal, it's just very difficult to stay motivated when I'm not doing much outside of the house. I was walking again for a while but truthfully, that gets so boring. I was doing a lot of yard work but, once the over winter weeding and planting is done, maintainence doesn't really take much. I'm just tired of being here, I'm ready to move on and do something new. It bores me to be home.

I am so tired today. I was hanging out with New Guy until really late last night, he brought me home, came in for a while and then we stayed on the phone half the night since he called me when he got home. Yesterday, I was looking at all of these ghost pictures on line (since I have nothing to do) and so last night, I could not sleep. I am such a baby. I stayed up watching Shrek 2 until the sun came up and the birds were chirping. I really have to stop. Since I am bored, I think I am going to give myself a new hairstyle. I have been debating it for the last couple of days because I can at times, be very impulsive. I've been wearing my hair curly for about the last month, and though that has been fun, now it's just boring. Maybe I'll dye my hair, maybe I'll chop it all off, I'll see. I just feel restless, and sleepy, I think I'll go to bed now.

Eaten So Far:

Breakfast: Frosted Flakes

Lunch: a little pasta and turkey

I plan of having a chef salad for dinner

Hours on Phone: Less than one

Exercise: Not a lot though I did have good intentions (my dad always said "the path to hell is paved with good intentions")

Bought: don't know if this counts but, I paid for a cab ride


I went to the interview with Lane Bryant today. Truthfully, it seemed like a really good place to work. Everyone seemed joyous and nice. Not that I was sincerely looking to get into retail but, it might be a nice change. I ran my own business for a while so, it may be a good change. They said they would let me know by Friday afternoon so, we'll see. The best part of the whole thing is the 40% discount, my eyes are nearly bulging out for that one, what fun that will be.

Spoke with Mysterious Ex and New Guy last night. It's strange but it seems inevitable that one will call if I am on the phone with the other. Even if I am not on the phone that long with one, the other calls in, it's like they have some kind of "cheating" sense. I am supposed to go to the Home Depot tonight with Mysterious Ex, he's taking me to get some perrenials and herb plants for my garden so, I guess I'll make him some dinner. I was going to have a chef salad tonight but, I guess I'll have to make him something a little snazzier. I am having dinner with New Guy tomorrow night so, I guess I'll take Thursday off.

Being home for as long as I have been may be having a negative effect on Samson. He's my baby, I love him, I've had him since he was 8 weeks old but since I have been home, he and I are almost always together. If I go shopping, he goes, when I manage to pry my fat ass off the couch and go for a walk, he comes along so on days when I have to get up and go without him, he has like a mini heart attack. This morning when I left, he threw himself around the house crying and whining horribly. I took him to my mom's house and she said he wouldn't eat, he just sat there sulking until I came home. Even as I write this, he is sitting behind me in the chair, if I get up or even move an inch or two, he jumps up and runs in what ever direction he thinks I'm going to go in the apartment. I think I should leave for different periods throughout the day to get him un - used to me. Poor puppy.