Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Nada
Dinner: Nada (not much in the mood for eating)
Hours on phone: 4 cousin and Mysterious Ex
Resumes sent off: None, its Saturday silly
Exercise: I cleaned my house if that counts. I'm about to cry myself into fits if that's gonna count)
Bought: Phone Battery
4.16.2005
Same Shit, Different Year
Well, I just got off the phone with Mysterious Ex. I guess he as always, is up to his same foolishness. When I spoke to him the other day, yesterday, and earlier today, he kept asking me, "do you want to see me?", "I think we should get together, I think we should talk". And so, I, as the stupid girl that I am, cleared my entire night so that I would be prepared for our meeting this evening. He called, as he said he would, but, there was no mention of getting together. We just had this very normal conversation as though everything were fine, as though he didn't ask to meet with me. As though our last few conversations did not take place. I hate that I am non confrontational. I hate that I don't always stand up for myself. I hate that I still have feelings for him and allow him to do this to me. I cannot speak to him any longer, it hurts my heart. It makes me cry, it hurts me. I love him, and I hate that I love him. I want things to be okay with us, I want us to be okay. But, it seems as though that isn't something that is going to happen no matter how much I want that and no matter what I feel. I think it is best if I stop speaking to him. I think it is best if he and I leave things as they were. I am not healed, I am not over him. I am just damaging myself to think otherwise. I am hurting my heart more and more everyday that allow myself to fall back to the way things used to be. I am so sad now and I don't want to be.
4.15.2005
Are we gonna do this again?
Eaten for the entire day:
Breakfast- Frosted Flakes
Lunch- Frosted Flakes
Snack- Yogurt and Fruit (yummy!)
Dinner - Curried Chicken and iceberg lettuce
Dessert- Frosted Flakes
Hours on Phone: about two (slow day today)
Resumes sent off : 10
Exercise: Thought about my four mile walk, quickly settled for ten minutes of yoga
Shopping: Craft supplies on eBay oh and two 59 cent books, I love eBay
OMG, just got off the phone with Mysterious Ex. We spoke the other day but today, it was kind of weird. We just so easily slipped back into our regular pattern. He wants to get together tomorrow but, I am not so sure. I don't know if I can do this again. We are constantly getting together, breaking up, doing it again. I'm getting too old for this, I don't know if emotionally, I can take this any longer.
New Guy seems very interesting and very sweet but truth be told, aren't they ALL like that in the beginning?
Will I go? What will I do? What will we say? What will I wear? Will he notice the ten pounds I put on? Will my skin break out ten mimutes before he picks me up? Oh, Oh, Oh, I am so confused, so upset, so, weirded out. I thought we were over, I thought this was done, I don't want to get pulled back into this again. I can't stand this but, I love him so. Why am I doing this to myself?
Breakfast- Frosted Flakes
Lunch- Frosted Flakes
Snack- Yogurt and Fruit (yummy!)
Dinner - Curried Chicken and iceberg lettuce
Dessert- Frosted Flakes
Hours on Phone: about two (slow day today)
Resumes sent off : 10
Exercise: Thought about my four mile walk, quickly settled for ten minutes of yoga
Shopping: Craft supplies on eBay oh and two 59 cent books, I love eBay
OMG, just got off the phone with Mysterious Ex. We spoke the other day but today, it was kind of weird. We just so easily slipped back into our regular pattern. He wants to get together tomorrow but, I am not so sure. I don't know if I can do this again. We are constantly getting together, breaking up, doing it again. I'm getting too old for this, I don't know if emotionally, I can take this any longer.
New Guy seems very interesting and very sweet but truth be told, aren't they ALL like that in the beginning?
Will I go? What will I do? What will we say? What will I wear? Will he notice the ten pounds I put on? Will my skin break out ten mimutes before he picks me up? Oh, Oh, Oh, I am so confused, so upset, so, weirded out. I thought we were over, I thought this was done, I don't want to get pulled back into this again. I can't stand this but, I love him so. Why am I doing this to myself?
Just Another Day
This marks my first day as a member of the Chubby Girl Brigade. I'm not sure how this "journal" will turn out or what direction it will take or if I will keep it up at all. Since I must write only what I know, I guess this willbe a mixture of my life, thoughts, and whatever else it may evolve into.
I'll start with the basics:
Eaten so far today: Bowl of Frosted Flakes (nothing like a little help from Tony to start the day)
Hours on the phone so far today : Less than one (not much in the mood to run my mouth)
Resumes sent off so far today: 7 (we'll see what happens)
Exercise so far today: Managed to think about my four mile walk, then managed to quickly put it out of my mind
Well, another day another, ...whatever. I am here trying to figure out if my problem finding a job despite my qualifications stems from the fact that I am Black or because I am fat. Mmmm, maybe a bit of both, maybe none of the above.
I find it a bit strange that I send in resumes, am called back and everything seems to go well until I am actually seen. The look of "OMG, it's a Fat Black Woman" is one that I am quickly getting used to.
On the dating front, heard from Mysterious Ex a day ago. Seems he misses me, misses talking to me, the usual hulabaloo we usually go through. Things with us would be so much easier if I didn't love him. I don't know where this will go but, I'm willing to see it through.
New Guy called me today, FROM LUNCH. I thought that was pretty significant since we've only known one another for a few days. I thought lunch time calls we're reserved for those you really, really, liked or at least someone you think you can get a free dinner or some booty from before going home for the evening. He doesn't compare at all to Mysterious Ex but, New Guy has some nice qualities, we'll see what happens.
I'll start with the basics:
Eaten so far today: Bowl of Frosted Flakes (nothing like a little help from Tony to start the day)
Hours on the phone so far today : Less than one (not much in the mood to run my mouth)
Resumes sent off so far today: 7 (we'll see what happens)
Exercise so far today: Managed to think about my four mile walk, then managed to quickly put it out of my mind
Well, another day another, ...whatever. I am here trying to figure out if my problem finding a job despite my qualifications stems from the fact that I am Black or because I am fat. Mmmm, maybe a bit of both, maybe none of the above.
I find it a bit strange that I send in resumes, am called back and everything seems to go well until I am actually seen. The look of "OMG, it's a Fat Black Woman" is one that I am quickly getting used to.
On the dating front, heard from Mysterious Ex a day ago. Seems he misses me, misses talking to me, the usual hulabaloo we usually go through. Things with us would be so much easier if I didn't love him. I don't know where this will go but, I'm willing to see it through.
New Guy called me today, FROM LUNCH. I thought that was pretty significant since we've only known one another for a few days. I thought lunch time calls we're reserved for those you really, really, liked or at least someone you think you can get a free dinner or some booty from before going home for the evening. He doesn't compare at all to Mysterious Ex but, New Guy has some nice qualities, we'll see what happens.
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