Eaten So far today:
Nothing
Resumes: None
Exercise: other than cleaning, nothing
Bought: Nothing
Mysterious Ex and I are supposed to be driving to the Jersey shore today for a fun filled weekend of sun and frolicking. Nice I guess but, I haven't begun to do anything. Being the weird person that I am, I cannot come home to a junky house so I am in the midst of cleaning (not really since I am writing this now, huh?), washing my hair, giving Samson a bath, baking that batch of cookies I didn't get done yesterday (though I may let that one go, blast!), PACKING (of all things, Jesus), getting a load of laundry done and packing a bag for Sam. I have to do this all the while keeping a calm and pleasant exterior so that when M.E. gets here, in like 3 hours, it won't look as though I am a wild, maniacal last minute kind of girl.
When asked this morning by M.E., I answered, "yes, of course" to the following questions:
Did you pack?
Is your house clean? (M.E. knows that I have weird can't come home to a dirty house complex)
Is Sam packed?
(enthusiatically) Did you bake those kick ass cookies? (On second thought, I may not be able to NOT bake the cookies now.)
and all the while, I promised Gwedolyn Oblivion a recipe. Woe is me. I am going to go now for this is my fantasy when Mysterious Ex comes to pick me up:
Of course I will be casually sitting on the couch looking beach travel ready and oh so sexy all at the same time. My bags will be packed, Sam will be beautifully gleaming, I'll be reading a magazine and all will be right with the world. Too bad I won't be outside or I would throw in a lemonade and straw hat too. Well, have to go, very busy day ahead.
5.28.2005
I may have come up with a financial solution
Someone on my street is renting their apartment out for $3,500 dollars a month. I live in Brooklyn, in the non - gentrified part. While an apartment in Manhattan will defenitely go for this much and even more, it takes a pretty special place in Brooklyn to get that type of rent. Now that housing is going up all over the city, people are moving to different sections that were not quite seen as the "it" places to be not to long ago. This raising of property value all over has a double affect. It's good for property owners because they can get a really good price for their homes, but it isn't good or the renters because rent prices are going up and up. Its nearly impossible to get a decent apartment in a decent neighborhood for less than $1,500 a month and it is next to impossible to buy the crummiest of the crummy houses for less than $300,000. Long story short, living in NYC is expensive as all hell. If one is not lucky enough to get a rent stablized apartment or already have owned something, you basically are ass out. People here have 5 and 6 roomates, continue to live with their parents, or have teeny, tiny, unbelievably small studios. (think less than 500 square feet going for 1,500 a month). Anyway, I have the good fortune of having had a dad who was a real estate wiz and though we were never rich, we are quite comfortable. My mom lives up the block from me in the house I was raised in. I live in a house my dad left me and I don't have to pay rent, great. My house is a four story two family house and the top floor is being occupied by a couple in their fifties whose rent keeps my taxes and bills paid for the time being, since I am unemployed. My part of the house is three floors and since I am only one person, I occupy a very small amount of room. Downstairs, I have a kitchen, dining room (which I NEVER use), a formal living room (again which I never use) a guest room (which no one ever uses) a bathroom and a laundry room. I also have another floor, like a basement which I am too afraid to go into and I pay a guy up the street to check my boiler and water heater once a week to make sure everything is going well. I also store all of my work out equipment, ny bike and my old skis and all of my teaching supplies down there. My kitchen leads off into a backyard, which I love, I actually eat out there more than in the dining room, as it has a great dining area and garden. Upstairs (where I spend most of my time) I have three bedrooms even though I always say two (one of which is my offical meditation/yoga room, even though I sadly no longer really practice yoga or meditation), the other which I turned into a studio (which I sew and paint in) a "real" living room that I hang around in and my bedroom and bathroom. I also have this huge foyer which I swear I will pretty up one day, just not anytime soon. So now that all of the background info is out there, back to the $3,500 a month. This guy is renting out my section of the house for $3,500 a month with the garden. Now, I am poor. Everyone who knows me definitely knows two things about me right now, I am fat(ter) and, I am poor. However, if I rent out my house, I usually call it my apartment, I won't be poor. If I move in with my mom, which I am a little reluctant to do, I can make $3,500 a month. My current tenant's rent already takes care of the house plus some (I set aside the left over money every month in case something happens like last year, I had to re do the pipes that connect to the sewer, it was like $4,000). With their rent alone, I cover yearly taxes, boiler and water heater maintainence, oil, water and around the house incidentals. My mom has plenty of room. I can move into her third floor and rent out my house. I think I might do it. I could really use the money now, especially since I don't have a job. I am not sure how I would feel living with my mom, having sex over her head, having her know when I am home or having company, etc. I will seriously think about it though, this might be a great solution for my problem right now.
5.27.2005
Eaten so far today:
Lunch: Captain Crunch
Plan on making chicken salad for dinner and baking some cookies after I take a nap
Exercise: Not a lot. Went food shopping then took Sam to the park
Resumes: 3 so far
Hours on phone: less than 1/2 got two interviews (woo hoo) and pledged some money to Save the Children
Bought: Food
My cat, yes I have a cat, I don't talk about him much because truth be told, he doesn't do much. He mostly sits, sleeps,looks out the window, eats, licks himself, looks at me and sits behind me in my chair. He occassionally sits on my bed and licks my toes but mostly, he sticks to himself. He sleeps in his own bed, under a side table in the living room because I assume he thinks he is too good to hang out with Samson and I on a regular basis. Yeah, he's snooty like that. He usually comes around when I open a can of food, when he smells I have something he wants to eat, like turkey or when HE feels like having a belly rub. Since my mom lives just down the way, he usually goes to her house after crying and scratching at the back door for about an hour and lucky me, he does all of his kitty litter business down the way. I guess in a way he's kind of our cat, my mom's and mine but truthfully he's mine since I bought him here when I was 16 and usually, he sleeps in my house. Anyway, my cat is crazy. This cat, who normally does nothing, just, less than five minutes ago, jumped up in the air, did a 3/4 flip in mid air, ran and swiped at Sam all in one move. What's with him? Somehow, I think that he thinks he's a dog and should be walked on a leash. Whenever Sam and I go out, he gets an attitude and tries to take it out on Sam, tripping him, swiping at him, play hissing at him and just being a general jerk.
You know, it never ceases to amaze me the things that people do in this world. It's crazy. I've known people to lie, scam and carry on, but every time I see it, it just leaves me mouth gappingly astounded. I never can seem to understand why people go to the lengths they do in order to get what they want from others, seemingly with no regard to that other person's feelings. Do people not have morals? Do they not have a conscience? I could not in good thought go around lying to, hurting and having a general disregard for people and not carry guilt about it. Even with that Mysterious Ex and (name ommitted and never to be mentioned her again) thing I just recently went through, my head hurt, I couldn't sleep, I obsessed over it because I felt that I was doing so many things wrong. It's sad because it leads me to question people in this world. I have had the good fortune of being able to surround myself with good natured people but often I feel there are so few of those kinds of people in the world. What is the sense of lying to someone, to screwing them over, of misleading them and hurting their feelings? How could someone live their lives fully and proplerly knowing that this is what they have done? I am glad that was raised the way that I have been. I am glad that I've had the parents I've had, the family I have and the friends I have. I am glad that I feel guilt and shame if I do something wrong. I am glad that I have compassion. I am glad that hurting people isn't something I want to do.
I am so conceited. I went food shopping this morning. At the supermarket, there is always this group of guys that help you load up your car or hail a cab for you, it's like an unofficial organized business of sorts. There is this one guy who is ALWAYS tyring to talk to me. He tells me EVERY time I go to the grocery store he likes me, he wants to take me out, he has a crush on me, etc. He is not a horrible looking guy but come on, he stands in front of the grocery store all day shuffling carts and hailing cabs. I mean dude, really. So, I tell mymom this tory and her answer to me, even though I know she was joking was, "he has a job". My mom goes on to tell me that this guy may very well be the best man I have ever come across and that I have to get my nose out of the air. She tells me how on the surface, Mysterious Ex is the "right" kind of guy, educated, good job, nice house, nice car and that our relationship is shaky at best and I am not sure if I even waant to be with him. She then brings up he whose given name shall not be typed here, and basically says the same things, lawyer, condo, nice car, asshole. So I think, wow, she may be right. She tells me, "your dad was truck driver, you would not have spoken to a man like that but, you father was a great man". I have to agree with her. My dad WAS a truck driver but, he bought a few houses, sent us to private school, was home every night, did all of those daddy things he was supposed to do, and loved the HELL out of my mother.
Side bar: six years ago, my mom was in the hospital and we were waiting for her to die (the doctors told us she would and that there was nothing else to be done) my father, the big rough, tough, truck driver, a man's man, an old Black guy from the South got down on his hands and knees and cried and prayed to GOD to not let my mother die. When my mom came home from the hospital, he carried her from bed to the bathroom everyday and wouldn't allow anyone else to touch her. Her nursed my mom back to health by himself with his love.
But, my mom pointed out "a man like that is not GOOD enough for you, you would turn your nose up at him". So, I think, what is really important? I want to be with someone who I get along with so, he would have to be educated I would guess but, my dad was not formally educated and I myself can say he was a brilliant man. What am I looking for? Have I passed it by already, continuously looking for the outside package? I know that in the past I have come across some really great guys who were too nerdy, too short, too fat, too skinny, used the word conversate, didn't know the stages of modern art, didn't know who Alvin Ailey was but, that stuff isn't important when it ocmes down to it. Have I done myself a disservice by cutting people off so quickly? Have I become this city dwelling judgemental bitch type? I hope not. Before meeting Mysterious Ex, I met this guy who was really very nice, he was sweet, funny, kind but in my eyes he wasn't too bright. One of my favorite artists is Gustav Klimt so I have "The Kiss" hanging behind my bed. One day (we were on our way to the kitchen which is next to the bedroom lest you think I was being slutty) he asked me, what is that, pointing at the print. I told him, it's Klimt, The Kiss. He didn't know who Klimt was or that I was referring to the title of the print when I said "The Kiss" that was the last time I saw him, I told him the next day, "I don't think we're right for each other". He could have been a great guy but, I would have never known. So, though this is going to be very, very hard, I have decided to get my panties out of a bunch. I'm going to stop pulling quick judgement calls on men and try my best to see them as the person they are. I could really uncover a diamond in the rough.
Blast, they didn't have my favorite candy at the store today. I was all set to taste the chocolaty toffee goddness of my sympohony bar but, it was not to be. When I asked the guy at the store about it he just looked at me like I was nuts and shrugged his shoulders, how rude. So, I will have to settle for my everything cookies, unless I convince M.E. to pick me up one if he comes by today. Off to take a nap. Long early day today.
Lunch: Captain Crunch
Plan on making chicken salad for dinner and baking some cookies after I take a nap
Exercise: Not a lot. Went food shopping then took Sam to the park
Resumes: 3 so far
Hours on phone: less than 1/2 got two interviews (woo hoo) and pledged some money to Save the Children
Bought: Food
My cat, yes I have a cat, I don't talk about him much because truth be told, he doesn't do much. He mostly sits, sleeps,looks out the window, eats, licks himself, looks at me and sits behind me in my chair. He occassionally sits on my bed and licks my toes but mostly, he sticks to himself. He sleeps in his own bed, under a side table in the living room because I assume he thinks he is too good to hang out with Samson and I on a regular basis. Yeah, he's snooty like that. He usually comes around when I open a can of food, when he smells I have something he wants to eat, like turkey or when HE feels like having a belly rub. Since my mom lives just down the way, he usually goes to her house after crying and scratching at the back door for about an hour and lucky me, he does all of his kitty litter business down the way. I guess in a way he's kind of our cat, my mom's and mine but truthfully he's mine since I bought him here when I was 16 and usually, he sleeps in my house. Anyway, my cat is crazy. This cat, who normally does nothing, just, less than five minutes ago, jumped up in the air, did a 3/4 flip in mid air, ran and swiped at Sam all in one move. What's with him? Somehow, I think that he thinks he's a dog and should be walked on a leash. Whenever Sam and I go out, he gets an attitude and tries to take it out on Sam, tripping him, swiping at him, play hissing at him and just being a general jerk.
You know, it never ceases to amaze me the things that people do in this world. It's crazy. I've known people to lie, scam and carry on, but every time I see it, it just leaves me mouth gappingly astounded. I never can seem to understand why people go to the lengths they do in order to get what they want from others, seemingly with no regard to that other person's feelings. Do people not have morals? Do they not have a conscience? I could not in good thought go around lying to, hurting and having a general disregard for people and not carry guilt about it. Even with that Mysterious Ex and (name ommitted and never to be mentioned her again) thing I just recently went through, my head hurt, I couldn't sleep, I obsessed over it because I felt that I was doing so many things wrong. It's sad because it leads me to question people in this world. I have had the good fortune of being able to surround myself with good natured people but often I feel there are so few of those kinds of people in the world. What is the sense of lying to someone, to screwing them over, of misleading them and hurting their feelings? How could someone live their lives fully and proplerly knowing that this is what they have done? I am glad that was raised the way that I have been. I am glad that I've had the parents I've had, the family I have and the friends I have. I am glad that I feel guilt and shame if I do something wrong. I am glad that I have compassion. I am glad that hurting people isn't something I want to do.
I am so conceited. I went food shopping this morning. At the supermarket, there is always this group of guys that help you load up your car or hail a cab for you, it's like an unofficial organized business of sorts. There is this one guy who is ALWAYS tyring to talk to me. He tells me EVERY time I go to the grocery store he likes me, he wants to take me out, he has a crush on me, etc. He is not a horrible looking guy but come on, he stands in front of the grocery store all day shuffling carts and hailing cabs. I mean dude, really. So, I tell mymom this tory and her answer to me, even though I know she was joking was, "he has a job". My mom goes on to tell me that this guy may very well be the best man I have ever come across and that I have to get my nose out of the air. She tells me how on the surface, Mysterious Ex is the "right" kind of guy, educated, good job, nice house, nice car and that our relationship is shaky at best and I am not sure if I even waant to be with him. She then brings up he whose given name shall not be typed here, and basically says the same things, lawyer, condo, nice car, asshole. So I think, wow, she may be right. She tells me, "your dad was truck driver, you would not have spoken to a man like that but, you father was a great man". I have to agree with her. My dad WAS a truck driver but, he bought a few houses, sent us to private school, was home every night, did all of those daddy things he was supposed to do, and loved the HELL out of my mother.
Side bar: six years ago, my mom was in the hospital and we were waiting for her to die (the doctors told us she would and that there was nothing else to be done) my father, the big rough, tough, truck driver, a man's man, an old Black guy from the South got down on his hands and knees and cried and prayed to GOD to not let my mother die. When my mom came home from the hospital, he carried her from bed to the bathroom everyday and wouldn't allow anyone else to touch her. Her nursed my mom back to health by himself with his love.
But, my mom pointed out "a man like that is not GOOD enough for you, you would turn your nose up at him". So, I think, what is really important? I want to be with someone who I get along with so, he would have to be educated I would guess but, my dad was not formally educated and I myself can say he was a brilliant man. What am I looking for? Have I passed it by already, continuously looking for the outside package? I know that in the past I have come across some really great guys who were too nerdy, too short, too fat, too skinny, used the word conversate, didn't know the stages of modern art, didn't know who Alvin Ailey was but, that stuff isn't important when it ocmes down to it. Have I done myself a disservice by cutting people off so quickly? Have I become this city dwelling judgemental bitch type? I hope not. Before meeting Mysterious Ex, I met this guy who was really very nice, he was sweet, funny, kind but in my eyes he wasn't too bright. One of my favorite artists is Gustav Klimt so I have "The Kiss" hanging behind my bed. One day (we were on our way to the kitchen which is next to the bedroom lest you think I was being slutty) he asked me, what is that, pointing at the print. I told him, it's Klimt, The Kiss. He didn't know who Klimt was or that I was referring to the title of the print when I said "The Kiss" that was the last time I saw him, I told him the next day, "I don't think we're right for each other". He could have been a great guy but, I would have never known. So, though this is going to be very, very hard, I have decided to get my panties out of a bunch. I'm going to stop pulling quick judgement calls on men and try my best to see them as the person they are. I could really uncover a diamond in the rough.
Blast, they didn't have my favorite candy at the store today. I was all set to taste the chocolaty toffee goddness of my sympohony bar but, it was not to be. When I asked the guy at the store about it he just looked at me like I was nuts and shrugged his shoulders, how rude. So, I will have to settle for my everything cookies, unless I convince M.E. to pick me up one if he comes by today. Off to take a nap. Long early day today.
Oh My!
Wow, I cannot believe it. The sun is out! We haven't seen the sun in like a week or more. The sun is shining and since being forced to open the window this morning (thanks Sam) it isn't that cold. I am going to go food shopping and then, I don't know what I'll do. I'll take a walk, work in the garden, sit in the park, maybe I'll even buck up three dollars for one of those fancy coffees down on Broadway. The possibilities are endless. At the very least, I have to get Samson out of this house where he is less likely to do my respitory system harm. The sun is out! I can't believe it.
5.26.2005
Good Bye New Guy
Well, it's official, the man I knew as new Guy is no more. I will say a few short words about him.
New Guy, even though you obviously turned out to be an asshole, you were for a short time a really cool guy. You were funny and smart and you seemed kind and generous but sadly, you turned out to be a dipshit. Will you make it into my boyfriend hall of fame? No. Will you be missed? Not quite. Will I add you to my list of men I hate? Nope, I didn't care that much. Will the wind whisper your name on a cold winter's day? I hope not. Anyway, we met, you were cool for a while and then you revealed your true identity as a pussy; just like most of the men who have entered my life, but in a far shorter period of time. New Guy has been retired.
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Toast and a sausage, tea and orange juice
Dinner: Turkey cheese burger and french fries, lemonade (going food shopping tomorrow, thanks M.E!)
Resumes: 4
Exercise: none, blaming the cold weather today
Hours on Phone: about 4 (spoke to G)
Bought: Nothing
My morning started off pretty bad today. I woke up about 3 in the morning and stayed up until about 7. I decided to go back to sleep and slept until about 10. During the hours of 3 and 7 when I was up though, I cried like no one's business. I was crying because I felt like a failure. I've done all of this stuff with my life, and now I feel as though I am accomplishing nothing. I used to be so lucky when I was younger but, I guess my luck has run out. I still can't seem to get hired. I am VERY low on cash and I am bored out of my mind. I have set aside my most valuable things in casee I have to sell some stuff to stay afloat. I have like 3 Louis Vuitton bags I can part with, hopefully, they will bring in a little over a thousand dollars. I also have this old diamond ring that was given to me by my ex fiance. Since I don't wear it and very rarely even look at it, I figured selling it wouldn't have a huge impact on my life. I suppose I can get about twenty five hundred for that. If worse comes to worst (and I hope it doesn't) I can always sell my LV luggage set which will hurt my little heart but make my even smaller pockets quite large. And though I don't want to, and it will be the last thing I probably do, I can always sell Sam's LV collar and carrier (that will be a last ditch option though). Mysterious Ex has been very generous, leaving me money in pocketbook and in my desk since he knows I won't take it from him. Usually, my pride is right there, blocking me from accepting anything but, I will do it for Sam cause my baby needs to eat. It isn't that I am dirt poor, but at this point I have no more income. I am living off of the little money that I had the good sense (for once in my life), to save. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have anything. I musn't complain too much though, things could be far, far worse. I could be homeless, I could have nothing, I could be forced to live in a shelter or have no family or friends to help out. I could be so down and out that I couldn't be able to pay my bills, I could be in awful health and not just a little extra chubby/fat. So compared to all of the things that COULD be going on, I'm in pretty good shape, not too much to complain about.
I was talking to my Godfather today and he reminded me of some land my dad left for me in the South. If things got really bad, I could sell that for a really good amount of money. Though I wouldn't want to sell off what my dad left for me, I hope that he would understand, it isn't as though I would be selling it to fund a vacation, this would be for living. My dad was a good guy, something tells me that he would understand. I will leave that as a last, last option.
Mysterious Ex and I are supposed to do something for the weekend since it is a holiday. Everyone in the world knows its going to be crowded with the exception of M.E. He thinks that we can just go down to the Jersey shore and find a great place to stay for the weekend. He thinks many people will be scared away because of the crappy weather we have been having. I think we should just do a day trip type thing, nothing too big. We will see what it turns out to be. I'm sure it will be okay.
Of course Samson will be coming along which sometimes proves a little difficult when we want to go somewhere. On the whole, Sam has been accepted nicely but with his new found "aroma" we may be asked to leave the place we choose to stay. We'll see.
I changed my blog look. I like it though I do have to say thanks to Gwendolyn Oblivion (first link) since I basically stole her blog design. I went to read her blog ans was like, wow that's so cool, so cool in fact that I too must have it too so, I copied it. Sounds kind of bad so to ease your mind, I didn't actually steal it, I kind of "borrowed" her idea. Thanks Gwen!
New Guy, even though you obviously turned out to be an asshole, you were for a short time a really cool guy. You were funny and smart and you seemed kind and generous but sadly, you turned out to be a dipshit. Will you make it into my boyfriend hall of fame? No. Will you be missed? Not quite. Will I add you to my list of men I hate? Nope, I didn't care that much. Will the wind whisper your name on a cold winter's day? I hope not. Anyway, we met, you were cool for a while and then you revealed your true identity as a pussy; just like most of the men who have entered my life, but in a far shorter period of time. New Guy has been retired.
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Toast and a sausage, tea and orange juice
Dinner: Turkey cheese burger and french fries, lemonade (going food shopping tomorrow, thanks M.E!)
Resumes: 4
Exercise: none, blaming the cold weather today
Hours on Phone: about 4 (spoke to G)
Bought: Nothing
My morning started off pretty bad today. I woke up about 3 in the morning and stayed up until about 7. I decided to go back to sleep and slept until about 10. During the hours of 3 and 7 when I was up though, I cried like no one's business. I was crying because I felt like a failure. I've done all of this stuff with my life, and now I feel as though I am accomplishing nothing. I used to be so lucky when I was younger but, I guess my luck has run out. I still can't seem to get hired. I am VERY low on cash and I am bored out of my mind. I have set aside my most valuable things in casee I have to sell some stuff to stay afloat. I have like 3 Louis Vuitton bags I can part with, hopefully, they will bring in a little over a thousand dollars. I also have this old diamond ring that was given to me by my ex fiance. Since I don't wear it and very rarely even look at it, I figured selling it wouldn't have a huge impact on my life. I suppose I can get about twenty five hundred for that. If worse comes to worst (and I hope it doesn't) I can always sell my LV luggage set which will hurt my little heart but make my even smaller pockets quite large. And though I don't want to, and it will be the last thing I probably do, I can always sell Sam's LV collar and carrier (that will be a last ditch option though). Mysterious Ex has been very generous, leaving me money in pocketbook and in my desk since he knows I won't take it from him. Usually, my pride is right there, blocking me from accepting anything but, I will do it for Sam cause my baby needs to eat. It isn't that I am dirt poor, but at this point I have no more income. I am living off of the little money that I had the good sense (for once in my life), to save. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have anything. I musn't complain too much though, things could be far, far worse. I could be homeless, I could have nothing, I could be forced to live in a shelter or have no family or friends to help out. I could be so down and out that I couldn't be able to pay my bills, I could be in awful health and not just a little extra chubby/fat. So compared to all of the things that COULD be going on, I'm in pretty good shape, not too much to complain about.
I was talking to my Godfather today and he reminded me of some land my dad left for me in the South. If things got really bad, I could sell that for a really good amount of money. Though I wouldn't want to sell off what my dad left for me, I hope that he would understand, it isn't as though I would be selling it to fund a vacation, this would be for living. My dad was a good guy, something tells me that he would understand. I will leave that as a last, last option.
Mysterious Ex and I are supposed to do something for the weekend since it is a holiday. Everyone in the world knows its going to be crowded with the exception of M.E. He thinks that we can just go down to the Jersey shore and find a great place to stay for the weekend. He thinks many people will be scared away because of the crappy weather we have been having. I think we should just do a day trip type thing, nothing too big. We will see what it turns out to be. I'm sure it will be okay.
Of course Samson will be coming along which sometimes proves a little difficult when we want to go somewhere. On the whole, Sam has been accepted nicely but with his new found "aroma" we may be asked to leave the place we choose to stay. We'll see.
I changed my blog look. I like it though I do have to say thanks to Gwendolyn Oblivion (first link) since I basically stole her blog design. I went to read her blog ans was like, wow that's so cool, so cool in fact that I too must have it too so, I copied it. Sounds kind of bad so to ease your mind, I didn't actually steal it, I kind of "borrowed" her idea. Thanks Gwen!
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Pancakes and sausages
Dinner: Turkey Breast and Rice
Hours on Phone: about 1
Resumes: 5
Exercise: 0
Bought: Nada
Well, I guess it's official and New Guy really doesn't want to speak to me. I called him twice over the past few days and I left 2 messages and he hadn't gotten back to me. At first I was worried because I thought maybe something happened to him so I called his job today, just to see if he was okay. His secretary connected me to him, he answered the phone so I hung up. I find it very strange though because he has pursued me for like over 2 months now. I just don't get it. I thought maybe I had done or said something to offend him, but that hasn't been the case. The last time I saw him, we went out to dinner, he came to my house, we laughed and talked, he left to go home, he called me while he was driving home and then he called me again later that night (even though it was like 11 or 12), we spoke until about 1 in the morning, as usual, then we hung up saying good night and how we would speak the next day. But, I didn't hear from him. Very strange. I thought I would be sad about it but truthfully, I'm not. I must admit that its very strange and that I don't understand it so I am obsessing over it a bit but more from the "why would someone spend 10 weeks of their life running after you, speaking to you for HOURS at a time, going places with you, going out of their way to try to woo you and then disappear" type thinking. Very strange indeed. Being the proverbial scorned woman, I was thinking of doing something evil like reporting him the NY justice system or reporting him to the Bar Association but, I don't think I have time like that on my hands. A nice, "I'm tired of you" or "you suck bitch" might have eased things over a bit but, whatever. And this, I guess is why I am so scared of letting go of Mysterious Ex, no matter the B.S. he and I have ever been involved in, he's there for me. We could argue today and if I called tomorrow in need, he would come through for me, of that I am sure. Does that mean I'm settling? I'm not sure. Is that what a good relationship is made of? I'm not sure. I know I'd rather have a reliable not so great car than a never running Bentley.
Not to go on and on about this but, what happened exactly? How does one go from laughing and having a good time one day to not speaking to the person at all the next? How does one go from, "I care for you and I want to be a part of your life for a long time to come" to just not having anything to say? How does one discus their hopes and dreams and inner most thoughts and then just go away for no apparent reason? At least Mysterious Ex has manners enough to pick a fight (at least in the past) with me before doing such weird things. I mean, he really every day, more than a few times a day was all "I like you a lot", "I want to have a chance with you", "I think you're a great person", "I'm trying to build trust with you so that we can have a good relationship", "I think of you as the start of my family", he even invited me to go on vacation with him, could you imagine? I mean, not that I'm like, boo hoo now I'm not going to the Virgin Islands but, what was the point of all of that? Why even do that at all? I mean, it really wasn't necessary. I'm glad I didn't fall completely for him. My goodness, had I just jumped right in, I would have been devastated right now, I know me, my feelings would have been so hurt. Because it isn't as though I just met this man, we had a continuous relationship for some time now. Hummph, I guess this is one for the books. I've already decided I just won't speak to him again, not that he will try to call but if he does, I just won't speak to him, it's just that simple.
I cannot sleep. I've been doing this thing lately where I go to sleep at like 12 or so (pretty early for me), but I wake up like 3 or 4 in the morning and stay up until maybe 6 or 7 and then sometimes go back to sleep. It's quite aggravating. I get up in the middle of the night, sometimes I watch old movies but mostly I just read. I WAS reading A Widow for One Year by John Irving but truthfully I was really only reading a page or two a day, for some reason it wasn't holding my interest. But in the last couple of days, I have read through more than 3/4 of the book. I've brought my laptop to my bed so now my time has been split between the television, reading and the computer.
Samson is so gassy lately. He's eating the same food, eating at the same times and the same amount but it's so gross in here. It's been freezing in NYC the last few days so I have been keeping the windows closed because even the slightest crack sends in a gust of cold like you would not believe. I've even resorted to sleeping with my thermal blankets again it's so cold. Anyway, this lack of ventilation has been horrible for me because my baby has been letting it rip. Who knew a four pound dog could smell up the place so much? God sometimes I have to sincerely think, did I do that? Even though I know I haven't.
On the job front things aren't looking that great. Maybe I have horrible interview skills even though I somehow don't think that's true. (Come to think of it, New Guy was even helping me with my job search, see how strange it is?) At least now I am getting call backs but no one seems to be hiring me. I've never had this much trouble finding a job. I got a copy of my teaching record and Jesus do I sound unbelievable. So, what's the problem? I don't know. It looks as though I'm going to have to stick to my own neighborhood for a job (which I know I will get) but, I'm sick of working here with children who can't read despite their being as big as me and I'm sick of teaching nothing but how to pass a reading test, that isn't why I became a teacher, that is not teaching. If I have to step into another classroom like that this year, my brain will turn to mush, I just can't do it. I was watching PBS some day, probably in the middle of the night, and there was a teacher with her class and they were doing these great projects. They were writing books that were going to be published by and available in their state's library. They were doing a real life math lesson where they had to go grocery shopping and get the best deal for their dollar. The classroom was beautiful and, get this, actually had supplies. That is what I want. Why because I am Black, must I be sent to these horrible schools? It isn't automatic that I share a kinship with kids because we are of the same race. I just want to teach at a good school where my students will be doing something with their brain other than memorizing the answers to some test. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Maybe it is.
Breakfast: Pancakes and sausages
Dinner: Turkey Breast and Rice
Hours on Phone: about 1
Resumes: 5
Exercise: 0
Bought: Nada
Well, I guess it's official and New Guy really doesn't want to speak to me. I called him twice over the past few days and I left 2 messages and he hadn't gotten back to me. At first I was worried because I thought maybe something happened to him so I called his job today, just to see if he was okay. His secretary connected me to him, he answered the phone so I hung up. I find it very strange though because he has pursued me for like over 2 months now. I just don't get it. I thought maybe I had done or said something to offend him, but that hasn't been the case. The last time I saw him, we went out to dinner, he came to my house, we laughed and talked, he left to go home, he called me while he was driving home and then he called me again later that night (even though it was like 11 or 12), we spoke until about 1 in the morning, as usual, then we hung up saying good night and how we would speak the next day. But, I didn't hear from him. Very strange. I thought I would be sad about it but truthfully, I'm not. I must admit that its very strange and that I don't understand it so I am obsessing over it a bit but more from the "why would someone spend 10 weeks of their life running after you, speaking to you for HOURS at a time, going places with you, going out of their way to try to woo you and then disappear" type thinking. Very strange indeed. Being the proverbial scorned woman, I was thinking of doing something evil like reporting him the NY justice system or reporting him to the Bar Association but, I don't think I have time like that on my hands. A nice, "I'm tired of you" or "you suck bitch" might have eased things over a bit but, whatever. And this, I guess is why I am so scared of letting go of Mysterious Ex, no matter the B.S. he and I have ever been involved in, he's there for me. We could argue today and if I called tomorrow in need, he would come through for me, of that I am sure. Does that mean I'm settling? I'm not sure. Is that what a good relationship is made of? I'm not sure. I know I'd rather have a reliable not so great car than a never running Bentley.
Not to go on and on about this but, what happened exactly? How does one go from laughing and having a good time one day to not speaking to the person at all the next? How does one go from, "I care for you and I want to be a part of your life for a long time to come" to just not having anything to say? How does one discus their hopes and dreams and inner most thoughts and then just go away for no apparent reason? At least Mysterious Ex has manners enough to pick a fight (at least in the past) with me before doing such weird things. I mean, he really every day, more than a few times a day was all "I like you a lot", "I want to have a chance with you", "I think you're a great person", "I'm trying to build trust with you so that we can have a good relationship", "I think of you as the start of my family", he even invited me to go on vacation with him, could you imagine? I mean, not that I'm like, boo hoo now I'm not going to the Virgin Islands but, what was the point of all of that? Why even do that at all? I mean, it really wasn't necessary. I'm glad I didn't fall completely for him. My goodness, had I just jumped right in, I would have been devastated right now, I know me, my feelings would have been so hurt. Because it isn't as though I just met this man, we had a continuous relationship for some time now. Hummph, I guess this is one for the books. I've already decided I just won't speak to him again, not that he will try to call but if he does, I just won't speak to him, it's just that simple.
I cannot sleep. I've been doing this thing lately where I go to sleep at like 12 or so (pretty early for me), but I wake up like 3 or 4 in the morning and stay up until maybe 6 or 7 and then sometimes go back to sleep. It's quite aggravating. I get up in the middle of the night, sometimes I watch old movies but mostly I just read. I WAS reading A Widow for One Year by John Irving but truthfully I was really only reading a page or two a day, for some reason it wasn't holding my interest. But in the last couple of days, I have read through more than 3/4 of the book. I've brought my laptop to my bed so now my time has been split between the television, reading and the computer.
Samson is so gassy lately. He's eating the same food, eating at the same times and the same amount but it's so gross in here. It's been freezing in NYC the last few days so I have been keeping the windows closed because even the slightest crack sends in a gust of cold like you would not believe. I've even resorted to sleeping with my thermal blankets again it's so cold. Anyway, this lack of ventilation has been horrible for me because my baby has been letting it rip. Who knew a four pound dog could smell up the place so much? God sometimes I have to sincerely think, did I do that? Even though I know I haven't.
On the job front things aren't looking that great. Maybe I have horrible interview skills even though I somehow don't think that's true. (Come to think of it, New Guy was even helping me with my job search, see how strange it is?) At least now I am getting call backs but no one seems to be hiring me. I've never had this much trouble finding a job. I got a copy of my teaching record and Jesus do I sound unbelievable. So, what's the problem? I don't know. It looks as though I'm going to have to stick to my own neighborhood for a job (which I know I will get) but, I'm sick of working here with children who can't read despite their being as big as me and I'm sick of teaching nothing but how to pass a reading test, that isn't why I became a teacher, that is not teaching. If I have to step into another classroom like that this year, my brain will turn to mush, I just can't do it. I was watching PBS some day, probably in the middle of the night, and there was a teacher with her class and they were doing these great projects. They were writing books that were going to be published by and available in their state's library. They were doing a real life math lesson where they had to go grocery shopping and get the best deal for their dollar. The classroom was beautiful and, get this, actually had supplies. That is what I want. Why because I am Black, must I be sent to these horrible schools? It isn't automatic that I share a kinship with kids because we are of the same race. I just want to teach at a good school where my students will be doing something with their brain other than memorizing the answers to some test. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Maybe it is.
5.24.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Italian bread and butter
Lunch: Frosted Flakes
Dinner: Turkey and white potatoes (getting poorer day by day)
Hours on Phone: about 4
Resumes: 6
Exercise: None (very bad but oh well)
Bought: Doll hair and a tongue ring on ebay (I love ebay)
Wow, either New Guy is really tired of me or something really bad has happened to him. I hope he's just pissed off at me because I haven't heard from him in a few days which is really out of the norm for us. New Guy moved to NYC from Minnesotta like two months ago, other than a friend who he knows in Brooklyn, I am the only person outside of his office that he knows in NY. Actually, I am kind of scared because he and I usually speak EVERYDAY for hours a day. Once when it was raining very hard, he and I stayed on the phone or over 12 hours. So it's very strange to just hear nothing from him at all. We saw one another last week, he brought me home, we hung out here for a while, he went home, he called me when he got home, we spoke for a bit longer then, nothing, I just haven't heard from him. I was thinking of calling his job tomorrow to see if he's been coming in and to see if he is okay but, if he has been going to work and just doesn't want to call me, I don't want to be embarrassed. I'm really not sure what to do.
I feel so bad about bitching over Mysterious Ex over the weekend. We spent some time together just talking and hanging out and I have so many conflicting issues because I remember why I love him, I remember why he's such a great guy but, I still feel very weird about our situation. I was under the impression that I was making some progress in our relationship but, I am right back to where I started. Truthfully, I don't think I ever moved. I am soooo tired tonight, I'm going right to bed now.
Breakfast: Italian bread and butter
Lunch: Frosted Flakes
Dinner: Turkey and white potatoes (getting poorer day by day)
Hours on Phone: about 4
Resumes: 6
Exercise: None (very bad but oh well)
Bought: Doll hair and a tongue ring on ebay (I love ebay)
Wow, either New Guy is really tired of me or something really bad has happened to him. I hope he's just pissed off at me because I haven't heard from him in a few days which is really out of the norm for us. New Guy moved to NYC from Minnesotta like two months ago, other than a friend who he knows in Brooklyn, I am the only person outside of his office that he knows in NY. Actually, I am kind of scared because he and I usually speak EVERYDAY for hours a day. Once when it was raining very hard, he and I stayed on the phone or over 12 hours. So it's very strange to just hear nothing from him at all. We saw one another last week, he brought me home, we hung out here for a while, he went home, he called me when he got home, we spoke for a bit longer then, nothing, I just haven't heard from him. I was thinking of calling his job tomorrow to see if he's been coming in and to see if he is okay but, if he has been going to work and just doesn't want to call me, I don't want to be embarrassed. I'm really not sure what to do.
I feel so bad about bitching over Mysterious Ex over the weekend. We spent some time together just talking and hanging out and I have so many conflicting issues because I remember why I love him, I remember why he's such a great guy but, I still feel very weird about our situation. I was under the impression that I was making some progress in our relationship but, I am right back to where I started. Truthfully, I don't think I ever moved. I am soooo tired tonight, I'm going right to bed now.
5.22.2005
Oh my goodness
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday before my aunt's party (which was rather sweet) and I mentioned to said friend that I was thinking of dying my hair, just to have a little something different to look at in the mirror. When I was younger, I dyed my hair like every two weeks so for me to now have my natural hair color is a big thing onto itself. Anyway, this friend, who I am only writing about because I know she will not read this tells me that she feels dying one's hair is un-lady like and that she would NEVER dye HER hair, as though I were a heathen to even think such a thing. I was speechless, I didn't know what to say because, this same friene has cheating and continues to cheat on her husband quite regularly, this same friend uses drugs recreationally and has on more than one occassion driven WITH HER INFANT CHILD when she was high or at least semi - high. WTF?! Me dying my hair is un - lady like but you can screw people (randomly screw) and drive around high?! You've got to be kidding me. Mind you, I've never committe adultry (I'm not married and I have definitely Never taken drugs and probably won't ever take drugs. Truth be told, I only have one person who I truly consider to be "My Friend" and sadly everyone else are just people I kind of talk to or hang out with. It's sad but I realized, I know some pretty screwed up people man.
I compiled this short list of Mysterious Ex likes and dislikes and it's pretty bad. I have to wonder, why are we even trying? Why do I even love him? Is it because I've known him for so long? Am I more used to him than in love with him? Truthfully, if I don't see him for a while, I don't have those lovey dovey feelings (yes I do, I think), I'm really not sure what I ACTUALLY feel. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? I don't know? Do I want to be in this position? NO. I think that I will not have sex with Mysterious Ex anymore. I always try no to but, I'm a horny chick, I try not to be, finishing myself off before he come by but, I always give in to temptation. And, it's ALWAYS me. One would think because he's a guy he's trying to get me into bed but, I'm always the one to jump on him. I'm so ashamed (I'm really not). So, I'm going to wean myself from sex with him and see what is left of our relationship. We've had good times but, am I emotionally stck on him because of all the after sex chemicals floating around or do I truly, honestly unabashedly love this man? If tommorrow his penis suddenly fell off, would I still want to be with him? Tough question. It isn't that the sex is the only thing in our relationship (believe me, it's not THAT great, I've had a lot better) but, I think maybe the act of sex and all the releasing of seratonin (sp?) and all that other love chemical crap is clouding my judgement. Years ago, I was engaged to this guy that I was with for like 5 years (ages 18 -23) I believe I was like 21 or so at the time, I know I was still in college. Anyway, a bunch of friends and I had this psuedo dinner party (no one cooked, we just kind of ordered a bunch a food and sat around eating it and drinking wine) anyway, after having more than a few glasses of wine, my fiance at the time came to pick me up. When he came through the door, I remember looking at him in my newly acquired drunk goggles and I thought my god, what do I see in this guy? I was wearing these five inch platforms at the time so I towered over him and he just looked small and paunchy and not that cute. Then for some reason, all of the eveil things he had done and all of the bad things I thought about him during the course fo our relationship kept playing through my mind. The point is, I feel that I saw him how he truly was, without the googly love eyes, I need to do something like that for Mysterious Ex.
About 10 minutes later:
How funny, M.E. called right at the end of that sentence. See it's barely 10 o'clock in the morning and already he is complaining. That is something that bothers me about him. I am not saying that people should not complain believe me, I do enough of it but the things he complains about are always so minor to me. They seem almost trivial, maybe I'm just annoyed by him, I have been pretty pissy this weekend. He wants to get together this weekend but truthfully, I'm not in the mood to see him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to sit here, I don't want to be bothered with men or thoughts of "relationships" I just want to wear my dingy sweat pants, eat some ice cream (if I have any left) rub my puppy's belly, and watch Desperate Housewives and then Queer as Folk. I'll go visit my mom today, we went to my aunt's party yesterday so I know she'll want to gossip, she already called me over for breakfast this morning.
Here is my list.
Things I like about Mysterious Ex
He's smart, funny, can be very caring, can be very kind, can be sweet, gainfully employed, cute, tall, educated, ambitious, compassionate educated and he has really nice teeth, going to therapy to get rid of all his weirdness (at least alleviate the worst of his weirdness), seemingly less Mysterious.
Things I DON'T like abut Mysterious Ex
He NEVER has enough time for me, he still seems a bit mysterious at times , he can be very mean, he can be very childish (not in a playful way, in an immature way), we don't do a whole lot together, he has weird religious ideologies (he thinks homosexuality is wrong because "it says so in the bible" yet, he fornicates and commits sodomy with me), he doesn't do a whole lot sexually (he's not as free as I would like him to be), his member is a bit on the wee side, I don't know if I can go the distance with him, I STILL am afraid to say certain things to him because of his past reactions
I think those are more dislikes than likes but I'm not about to count them, Im afraid of the outcome. My mom has called for a second time so, I will throw on some jogging pants, get Sam suited up and run to my hot awaiting breakfast.
I compiled this short list of Mysterious Ex likes and dislikes and it's pretty bad. I have to wonder, why are we even trying? Why do I even love him? Is it because I've known him for so long? Am I more used to him than in love with him? Truthfully, if I don't see him for a while, I don't have those lovey dovey feelings (yes I do, I think), I'm really not sure what I ACTUALLY feel. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? I don't know? Do I want to be in this position? NO. I think that I will not have sex with Mysterious Ex anymore. I always try no to but, I'm a horny chick, I try not to be, finishing myself off before he come by but, I always give in to temptation. And, it's ALWAYS me. One would think because he's a guy he's trying to get me into bed but, I'm always the one to jump on him. I'm so ashamed (I'm really not). So, I'm going to wean myself from sex with him and see what is left of our relationship. We've had good times but, am I emotionally stck on him because of all the after sex chemicals floating around or do I truly, honestly unabashedly love this man? If tommorrow his penis suddenly fell off, would I still want to be with him? Tough question. It isn't that the sex is the only thing in our relationship (believe me, it's not THAT great, I've had a lot better) but, I think maybe the act of sex and all the releasing of seratonin (sp?) and all that other love chemical crap is clouding my judgement. Years ago, I was engaged to this guy that I was with for like 5 years (ages 18 -23) I believe I was like 21 or so at the time, I know I was still in college. Anyway, a bunch of friends and I had this psuedo dinner party (no one cooked, we just kind of ordered a bunch a food and sat around eating it and drinking wine) anyway, after having more than a few glasses of wine, my fiance at the time came to pick me up. When he came through the door, I remember looking at him in my newly acquired drunk goggles and I thought my god, what do I see in this guy? I was wearing these five inch platforms at the time so I towered over him and he just looked small and paunchy and not that cute. Then for some reason, all of the eveil things he had done and all of the bad things I thought about him during the course fo our relationship kept playing through my mind. The point is, I feel that I saw him how he truly was, without the googly love eyes, I need to do something like that for Mysterious Ex.
About 10 minutes later:
How funny, M.E. called right at the end of that sentence. See it's barely 10 o'clock in the morning and already he is complaining. That is something that bothers me about him. I am not saying that people should not complain believe me, I do enough of it but the things he complains about are always so minor to me. They seem almost trivial, maybe I'm just annoyed by him, I have been pretty pissy this weekend. He wants to get together this weekend but truthfully, I'm not in the mood to see him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to sit here, I don't want to be bothered with men or thoughts of "relationships" I just want to wear my dingy sweat pants, eat some ice cream (if I have any left) rub my puppy's belly, and watch Desperate Housewives and then Queer as Folk. I'll go visit my mom today, we went to my aunt's party yesterday so I know she'll want to gossip, she already called me over for breakfast this morning.
Here is my list.
Things I like about Mysterious Ex
He's smart, funny, can be very caring, can be very kind, can be sweet, gainfully employed, cute, tall, educated, ambitious, compassionate educated and he has really nice teeth, going to therapy to get rid of all his weirdness (at least alleviate the worst of his weirdness), seemingly less Mysterious.
Things I DON'T like abut Mysterious Ex
He NEVER has enough time for me, he still seems a bit mysterious at times , he can be very mean, he can be very childish (not in a playful way, in an immature way), we don't do a whole lot together, he has weird religious ideologies (he thinks homosexuality is wrong because "it says so in the bible" yet, he fornicates and commits sodomy with me), he doesn't do a whole lot sexually (he's not as free as I would like him to be), his member is a bit on the wee side, I don't know if I can go the distance with him, I STILL am afraid to say certain things to him because of his past reactions
I think those are more dislikes than likes but I'm not about to count them, Im afraid of the outcome. My mom has called for a second time so, I will throw on some jogging pants, get Sam suited up and run to my hot awaiting breakfast.
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