Okay, so here I am at the age of 27 and I can honestly say that I have never truly had a real adult relationship. Sure, I've had boyfriends, I think I have one now but, I can honestly say that none of the relationships that I have been apart of have been these true adult type dating situations. I have many friends who have had the same experience, I have friends who haven't. I sometimes wonder is it because I am Black and the majority of men I am datin are also Black? I mean, I am not dating the stereotypical Black guy that our media so loves to portray, funny thing is, I don't run into that type of guy too often, are there less of them around than others would have you believe or is it just the type of guy that I am attracted to/who is attracted to me? I read all of these articles in Essence, Honey, etc. that say how there are fewer and fewer Black men to go around, that "The Black Woman" is leaving "The Black Man" behind in droves both financially, socially and education wise. THe last few guys that I have dated have been Black, they have all been educated, no children and single (or at least I thought so in the case of New Guy) but, they have still been assholes. I mean, what gives? Is it just that men in general are assholes or is this something that is concentrated to Black guys? Many of my White friends or friends of a different race, Latino, Asian, European (not to say that they are not White but, not American) are in relationships if that is where they choose to be. Their relationships tend to be okay to average or they are engaged or married or at least have a long term living together situation. Yet, all of my Black friends seem to have this same problem, lack of committment or even a decent relationship when dating Black men. I don't want to be down or racist but basically what the fuck is up with Black guys? I mean, even my friends who are not Black but date Black men seem to be having problems. It isn't something that I am going to make a blanket statement about because both my brothers are obviously Black and they are good men, the majority of my male cousins are Black and I can honestly say that they are good guys too, my two best male friends are Black and great guys so I know they are out there, it's just that I and almost every other woman I know seems to have a hard time finding them.

Last year, my cousin T and I went to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company. The crowd was fully intergrated but, there was a huge group missing, straight Black Men. There were White Women with White Men, there were White Women with Asian Men, their were Asian Women with Asian Men and Asian Women with White Men, there were people of no identifiable race with one another, there were Gay Black Men with Gay Black Men, there were Black Women with WHITE MEN and then there were Black Women with..... BLACK WOMEN (my cousin and I included). What is up with this? Whenever I go anywhere, there is the same thing. Sure, you see Black Men and Women together but overwhelmingly, there are Black Women in a group or with another Woman as a "date". Every school year, teachers have a end of the year party and it is the same thing. All of the female teachers have their spouses, as do all of the male teachers, but the young Black teachers are always sitting together, basically dateless (I am among this crowd). So, what gives?

I mean, even when these men are educated, well bred, and seem to have themselves and their lives together (at leat externally), there always seems to be some problem just lurking beneath the surface, waiting to fuck any semblance of a good relationship up. I can truthfully say that all of my friends are very decent, well educated, hard working, ambitious good women. So why is it such a trial to find a man to compliment them? I have dated outside of my race and while I don't have anything against other cultures, I sometimes feel that it is my duty as a Black Woman to meet, marry and reproduce with a Black Man. There is something, I have no idea what, that tells me I must have Black babies, that I must live this life as a woman strong and dedicated to her culture, her race. I kind of see it as my duty to do what my parents did, kind of like a "see, we are not all crackheads and welfare recipients, we have strong family foundations and can compete in this world. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being narrow minded. I am not sure. Am I trying to live a real life Cosby Show? I don't think so because I've seen it. All of my aunts and uncles from both my parents lived this life. I was raised in a "Cosby" home. I know many others who did also. But why does it seem so unattainable?

I asked The Heavenly One, how do you know when there is love? How do you know when you can stop looking and say, this is it? I've found it and I don't have to look any further? She tells me, "You just know, you just do. I can't tell you this is it, you've got it, that's something you just have to figure out for yourself". I look at my parents, who had this great relationship until my dad died and I think, how did they get that? How did they know this is it? What does "it" feel like? I once thought I had it, I was set to be married and the whole shebang. But, when I stepped back from it, I realized how unhappy I was but the sick thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was unhappy. I know that is not it, I know that there shouldn't be this helpless melancholy attachment to love but I also know it isn't cherries and sprinkles all of the time either.

Last year I went to visit my sister and her husband who in my opinion have the strongest marriage other than my parents that I ever seen and I asked them, "how did you guys do this"? Their story was so simple, he told me he had given up on meeting anyone, (mind you he was like 25 at the time) and he had just resigned himself to living life as a bachelor. She had just started at his job as an office assistant and there she was. They became friends, which they stayed for about a year and then they got married. They have been married for like 25 years and they together are amazing. I swear this is true and anyone who knows them says the same thing, love just radiates off of them. When they look at each other, you can just tell they love the hell out of each other. That was how my parents were, even if they were arguing you could just feel this energy around them, it was weird. I guess growing up with that I feel that that is what love is supposed to be, this continuing thing, not really like passion or ecstasy but this thing so strong you just want to baske in it all day, you want to touch it. Especailly after I moved out of their house, I loved to visit my parents because something as simple as having lunch with them was this pleasant experience. When my parents were in the same room, my heart felt literally as though it were going to burst, there was all of this energy flying around the room, it was weird.

So I ask, is this a generational thing? Are Black men now a days so wrapped up in the moment of machismo or trying to be "hard" that they cannot submit to a woman? Is it an uncool thing to do, to admit that one is in love, to want to settle down, to want to act decently towards a woman? Is it beacuse we've grown to this point where we feel as though we don't need one another, since there is no longer a strict and defined "Black Community" as in times of segregation where we had to be united in order to make it in this world? What is it? Because I'd truly like to know. I don't even date men my own age (usually the people I date are at least 5 years older than me and many times much more than just five years) and it is still something that I run across. I know two women, both in their thirties, both well educated with great careers and a lot to offer who have decided to have children on their own, no longer waiting for "that guy" to come along. I myself, no longer being reproductively young (let's face it, I only have like a good 8 - 10 years of breeding) have set aside a plan for single parenting. It isn't that I don't want to be married or have that life but, who am I going to do that with? The older I get, the smaller the pool of men that are available to me seem to get. Even Mysterious Ex who I think is a great guy, and who is for the record, 7 years older than me, does not now at this moment or even anywhere in the near future seem as though someone I would marry. Love him or not, I must admit that I don't see him as being ready for that type of life for a variety of reasons. I mean, this is the first time in our knowing one another that we have gone this long without not talking to one another or having some type of huge thing, (and truth be told, our relationship still is not what I feel it should be at this stage of our knowing one another, we should have been here a year ago).

So, what are my options? What do I do? I do realize quite often that I am not being fair to myself, that I am selling myself short by being apart of something that I can honestly say I don't truly see coming to pass as I would like. I mean, I can say from my heart that what M.E. and I have is not solid, that it is not a true relationship, that I don't even feel as though I am truly apart of his life, it's harsh, but it's true, ideally, it is not what I would choose to be apart of. I've been in this place for over a year now. I'm still asking the same questions I was asking this time last year with no definitive answers. Logically I know what I should do. But when has logic ever had a place in matters of the heart? And, what does that say about me, staying apart of something that I know in my heart is not right? What am I doing to myself, and why do I feel as though such a small relationship is good enough for me?