Uggh! It isn't even my wedding and I'm dreading it.

My cousin is getting married next Saturday. Actually, that isn't true. My cousin is ALREADY married and is having a WEDDING next Saturday. Why is she having a wedding if she's already married you might ask. I'm not really sure, I can't answer that one for you. Any way my cousin is having a wedding which apparently anyone who has ever laid eyes on her or even blinked in her direction is invited to, that is to say, EVERYONE will be there. I am not really looking forward to this wedding. My immediate family, my mom, brother, and one of my sisters (actually, I have another brother but he's more like my half brother since he is from my dad's first short lived marriage but I don't talk to him much and see him even less which is why I always never really mention him as being my brother even though he technically is) is okay. (My other sister is a dillweed but that's an entirely different story). It's my extended family that is a problem. My mom has four sisters who we all call rather unimagintively (spelling?) The Sisters. The Sisters have between them about 30 children, most of who have some serious issues. I mean on paper, my family is cool, most are college and higher graduates, have great/good jobs, wives/husbands/children and houses and are law abiding citizens (note I said MOST, we do have a few alchies, druggies and no goodies among the mix) but in person, these folks are nuts. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE getting together with The Sister's children, excluding the children brought into the world by my mother of course. Actually, that isn't entirely true either. Out of the 30 or so of us, I regularly speak to two, my cousins T and T who I refer to, (Her Holiness, the pregnant one and the more frequently mentioned currently not pregnant one). Then there are about four that are okay but whom I really don't speak to often for no particular reason (maybe because they are a lot older) and the rest are nuts. At this wedding next week, I can almost guarantee any of the following will happen (this guarantee is based on past experience and though will likely happen, is not entirely certain to occur)

#1 Someone will get drunk and curse his/her mother/father/uncle/aunt/sister/brother/significant other/child and or date out. This will happen either in the middle of the reception when everyone is seemingly enjoying themselves or as everyone is getting ready to go home. On rare occassions, it has occurred during BOTH times.

#2 Someone will find out some deep dark family secret, it will spread through the entire family and then someone will cry. Family secrets exposed in the past (I'm not making this up): (note that the exclamation point at the end is added to lend to the element of surprise associated with finding out about said deep dark family secret).

a) ____________ (Insert name) is not your mother!
b) ____________ (Insert name) is not your father!
c) ____________ (Insert name) IS your mother!
d) ____________ (Insert name) IS your father!
e) ____________ (Insert name) your father/mother STOLE that money/was a drug dealer/bootlegger, etc. ! (meaning your family fortune was acquired through less desirable ways then say the family store that you believed said wealth was to have come from)
f) ____________ (Insert name) you're adopted!
g) ____________ (Insert name) you're not your mother's/father's first born _______ is. (Sometimes the actual first born will also be present lending to a spectacular family reunion)
h) ____________ (Insert name) your mother/father/uncle/ mama's friend SPENT that money! (meaning your inheritance has quickly plummeted to zero, guess you won't be retiring in two years after all and say bye bye to that second weekend home!)

Various other secrets beyond my comprehension and realm of thought at this time are likely to come out.


#3 Someone will get beat up. There is a very small and oft forgotten about sect of my family that didn't go to college (or high school for that matter) and didn't learn basic etiquette. This sect will invariably get up, scream, shout, fight, and curse out anyone who looks at them weird, steps on their shoes, dances with "their woman/man" or gives them one less meatball/chicken breast/napkin then anyone else. Often under the influence of alcohol, someone will suffer at their hands.

#4 Something will get stolen. This same sect (see above) often feel that since you (not being of their sect) have something they don't you can as they put it "afford it" meaning you can afford to lose it. Many a camcorder/camera/pocketbook/lipstick/compact have been lost and never recovered around these people. It has never been proven that they were indeed the culprits but let's just say things don't disappear when they aren't around.

#5 Someone will get kicked out. (see #'s 3 and 4) As a result of their behavior, someone usually gets kicked out.

#6 Someone will feel slighted and run off into the night balling his/hers eyes out. This happens more often than not. Example:

Invited Family Member: Aunt Lillie's table has three flowers in their centerpiece and ours only has two

Family Member Who Organized Event: Every other table is like that. It's meant to be asthetically pleasing.

IFM: Why my table gotta be the steckilly (or some other ruining of the word) table?! You always like they family more than mine.

FMWOE: That isn't true, we just wanted it to look nice, it's done for balance more than anything.

IFM: Uh, uh. Y'all always be doing that shit! Like we ain' good enough for y'all. We tired that shit. Y'all uppity.

FMWOE: I'm sorry you feel that way. It was really just a random thing we didn't purposefully put the two flower centerpiece on your table. It's just a decoration.

IFM: My famlee ain't gotta take this shit, we leavin'. (Crying family members proceed to run out of the door, threatening people and vowing never to come to another family event ever sometimes table and chairs are tossed about in the melee but more often, middle fingers are the only things being tossed about)


So, you can see why I'm not looking forward to such an event. That and I'm really not in the mood to hear:
"you got fat",
"you gettin' BIG girl",
"when YOU gon' have a baby?",
"this yo' man?",
"where yo' babies girl?",
"you ain' gettin' no younga baby, what cho (you) waitin' on?"
"babies don' grow on trees you kno'"
"you STILL livin' OVER THERE by YO' SELF?" (mind you "over there" is a three story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a eat in kitchen, dining room, finished basement, two yards and $1,500 a month in rent from tenants, but hey I'm BY MY SELF! the horror!)
"pretty girl like you? where yo' husband?"
"you STILL a TEACHER?" (as in, MY son's a lawyer, or MY daughter's a doctor or why aren't you Super Intendent of NYC public schools yet loser?)

My brother and I have been discussing it for weeks and today, I will prep Mysterious Ex. I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be.