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Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 2 cake donuts and hazelnut coffee
Lunch: Popcorn
Dinner: Salami and Cheese on Crackers

Hours on Phone: about 1 read all day

Resumes: none, I have two interviews tomorrow (don't want to go to either one. I have a job but am still looking)

Exercise: none

Bought: nothing

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! That is how I feel today. I want to cry, but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because I guess the feeling hasn't gotten that bleak as of yet. Went to visit The Heavenly One this morning but high tailed it out of there when she started complaining about Sam and I scratching up her newly polished living room table even though I just SAT on the the couch and didn't even look at the table. She can be so weird sometimes. She called me later to aplologize and ask me to have dinner with her but, I just took Sam over to play with Delilah (my mom's dog) and came back home. I told Mysterious Ex I was going out with my cousin T today. Just feeling very sad and not much in the mood for talking or hanging out.

I am not sure what I should do. I've been thinking all day long. Thinking about all sorts of things. How I will be 28 in a few short months, and I am no where near where I thought I would be. How I don't really want to go back to graduate school and I don't want to be a school prinicipal but, how I have to do something because I don't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I've been thinking about my dead end relationship and how I should really get out of it. I've been thinking about how the first three months of this year were so terrible because Mysterious Ex and I weren't speaking and how happy I was when he called me after all of that time. I'm thinking about how I always have advice for other people, but I can never seem to get my own life together. I'm thinking about how everyone thinks I have shit pulled together and how I'm actually a big mess. I'm thinking about how Mysterious Ex might come across this blog and recognize it's me and how he'll find out about New Guy and all the shit I really think about him. I'm thinking about why I am afraid of telling M.E. to fuck off and how I am so afraid of not being able to be with him though admittedly, our relationship basically sucks. I'm thinking about how I have to be so frugal this summer because I won't actually have an income until September and how that isn't exactly true because it always takes a few weeks before your name is officially in payroll. I'm thinking about how I can get to this age, pop all of the shit I pop, yet still be too afraid to stand p for myself. I'm thinking about how I feel weak when the only thing I want to do is be strong. I'm thinking about why I even have to play this strong woman bullshit and why I just can't be myself. I'm thinking about leaving New York, starting over somewhere else and possibly having a better life. I'm thinking about how my horoscope today said that tomorrow will be the start of a great new state in my relationship, a stage filled with committment or a whole new relationship. I'm thinkiing aboout going on a crazy high school type crash diet because I have gotten way too fat. I'm thinking about why I've holed myself up in the house all day, and why I feel so bad about dating soemone else when Mysterious Ex is not fulfilling my relationship needs. I'm thinking about how I am always last to him and how I send him the message that it is okay because I am always here for him. I'm thinking about all the promises he made me this time around and how only a few of them have come into fruition. I wonder if I am wasting my life, if I am wasting my time, if I am keeping myself from a greater destiny. I'm wondering if it's time to move on, if it's time to seek something else, if it's time to turn lose. I'm thinking I wish the tears would just come so that I can get rid of this sad feeling, this slow, tired, unwanting feeling in my chest. I don't know what to do.