Merry Christmas! (I'm glad it's over)

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. SO tired in fact, that after my guests left, Samson and I slept for about a hour and a half on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Well, I guess I should say, I WAS tired. I decided to have Christmas at my house this year. The Heavenly One wasn't really up to it, and my brother had to go to work tonight at 11 so, I decided to take on the task.

I started yesterday with the baking. I made sugar cookies (well actually the dough for sugar cookies has to be made the night before so TECHNICALLY, I started on Friday), which I cut into little Christmas shapes, and some hearts. I baked two Red Velvet Cakes, three cheesecakes, 1 cherry, one chocolate swirl and one sweet potato swirl. I baked an apple pie and a sweet potato pie. We didn't want to do the whole "feast" thing again, like we had for Thanksgiving, so we let my nieces choose the menu. So, as per the the children's request, we had Lasagna, garlic bread, salad, barbecued ribs, sweet and sour chicken and cajun chicken. I also made a Mozarella and tomato salad and had a large asssortment of crudite and chips, pretzels, nuts, etc. My sister in law made banana pudding, (which was VERY good) and carrot cake (didn't have room to taste it) and we ate like HOGS! All in all, it was a pretty good evening though, I had a LOT to do. I had to go to the basement, and find the two leaves to my dining table, clean the house of course (that wasn't so bad since I clean normally) but, the cooking and preparing was the worst. I also had to wrap gifts and look cute for them. I started the day off in 4 inch heels and a black wrap dress, but ended it in flip flops and yoga pants. Samson had a ball with Delilah (my mom's dog) and my nieces, and my cat even came out after a while. Now, my house looks a mess, they did put the food into refrigerator containers but, tomorrow, I will have to wash dishes, and get things back to normal. We had a really good time so, though I am tired, I am happy.

On a nother note, I spoke to Mysterious Ex through email the other day. Actually, we exchanged like 20+ (no exaggeration) emails for like two days. He wants to meet with me, he says he misses me and he wants us to talk. There is a side of me that wants to see him, that wants to talk to him, but last night, as I was lying in bed, I came to the decision that I won't see him. I have been down that road before, I cannot do it again. I love him, yes, I won't say I don't, but, I love me, and I cannot do that to myself. Not again.

You're a Strong Independent Woman

I heard that AGAIN today. I guess in many instances it could be taken as a compliment but, I for one am kind of tired of this namesake. I think that being seen as a "strong independent woman" has some negative conotations. It makes me seem like "the kind of woman who doesn't need (want) a man". I think it gives me the appearance of being forever okay with what is going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life, I have a good life but, I would like to be in a relationship. I would like the husband and the baby, if that is to exist for me. This "strong independent woman" thing is "keeping" me from being in a relationship, at least a good one. But, I cannot just go and change who I am. I am the person I am, regardless of whether that is seen as strong, independent or whatever other words anyone would use to descirbe me. I cannot change that part of me but, will it be detrimental to my life in love?

Natural

I have decided to go natural. This is not a new thing for me. I have been natural on and of since I was 18. I'll go a year were I don't straighten my hair then I'll have a year of getting my hair permed. I am tired to destroying my hair by making it do what it isn't supposed to naturally do. I don't want to be a slave to a chemical or wear my hair straight because that is the way it is supposed to be. Today, well actually a few weeks ago, I say goodbye to the perm. Good bye perm. Hello Natural.

blah

not much going on. For most of the week, after work, I have been re arranging furniture, throwing out old stuff and putting up the new things that have been arriving daily. With the excepiton of a few things here and there, much of my second floor is done. I still have to put up the canopy around my bed, I am waiting for this huge paintinf that I ordered and for my new dining room chairs. In addition to all of that, I have been converting my cd collection onto my iPod which has been taking a lot of time. Actually, I haven't used my iPod out of the house yet, I'm scared, I know that's crazy, but some kid got killed for one just last year and I'm not in the mood really to die for a toy.

Sam was sick the other day, and so I was up all night wih him, rubbing his belly and singing to him. For some reason, every so often or so, he gets the runs. He's is eating one of the best (and most expensive) foods available but he has this sensitive tummy. I made him some chicken stew with rice and have been giving him yogurt treats. He seems a lot better but, I'm still going to take him to the vet this weekend which should set me back at least a hundred.

Other than those things, not much going on. I haven't done any Christmas shopping as of yet, even though I did buy myself a bunch of crap. I've decided to take Wed., Thurs. and Friday off in order to do some last minute shopping. And because honestly, a lot of my students aren't going to be in school anyway.

I'm so tempted to bake some cookies, but after last weeks three square meals of cookies and this week's too tight to wear jeans incident, I'm going to back off. I began to lose some weight when I started abck to work, but between sitting in the house and eating these grand dinners and sweets I love to make (cooking and baking relax me), I've been putting on the pounds like no one's business. One of the reasons I bought the iPod was so that Sam and I oculd go jogging outside and I could have something to listen to but, like I mentioned, I don't want to get killed over a toy.

OMG!

I totally stole this picture from The Humanity Critic RIP indeed. This is F'ed up.

This morning, for breakfast, I ate cookies and milk, and then for lunch, I ate cookies and milk and then for dinner, I ate cookies and milk. Very unhealthy but, heh, who cares? I'm trying to "get it while I can", but more on that later.

I've been rearranging the furniture in my house for about the last week. Every day after work, I move one thing about two feet in one direction, and then something else about three feet in another direction. Then, I sit for about an hour examing the aesthetic of each piece and how it's position sits in the flow of the room. (Another way of saying, I talk on the phone for about two hours and get too sleepy to finish). Today,I woke up bright and early with the intention of finishing everything today. I would have to say, I am about 65% finished. Still shopping for the new furniture I am going to get. I ordered a bunch of stuff and some of it has come already but, I'm still not finished of course.

I went to a really cool party last week and so now I am thinking about having a party for New Year's. I want it to be really cool, and so I have been trying to put together really cool, eclectic music and a great menu. I definitely want to have a huge party some time next year. Probably a swanky cocktail party and then a big back yard barbeque shin dig. Don't really know how I've been feeling the last few days, just ho hum I guess. Not sad, or happy, just so. I sent that letter off to Mysterious Ex the other day and I haven't regretted it as of yet. I thought I would get a bit nervous or weird feeling about it but, I've been cool. Haven't gone out AT ALL since yesterday. I think Samson and I will go for a big walk tomorrow, stop being such a weird hermit.

The Heavenly One went to a Passion Party at her sister's house tonight. She asked if I wanted to come along I quickly declined. #1 I have all of the "toys" I need and #2 Something skeeved me out about sitting in a room full of 60 year old women and dildos. So, I'm just here, doing nothing. I've decided to become celibate and get back into yoga and meditation, do some introspection. I told Q, (older guy with house in Belize) that I'm not really ready to date, I have some things that I want to sort out with myself. He, being the earthy, meditation prone guy he is, answered, "that's cool, I just did that for the last three years, real clarifying. We'll speak, keep in touch, it's cool." Three years? I don't know if I can do that for that long, but we'll see.

So, as a part of my celibacy/yoga/meditation/enlightenment, I've decided to cut out as much sugar (uggggh!) white flour (uggggggggh!) and high fats (ugggggggh!) as possible. I've done this before but always with much resistance. I always fall off about a month into it. Well see how this goes, again.

I sent the letter. I didn't think about it much of the day, but now that I am home, I feel a bit nervous. Not sure why exactly, but it is just a bit unnerving. I have to think, I feel as though I am doing this for closure's sake, but I hope somewhere deep down, I am not doing this for a response. When M (my ex fiancee) and I broke up some years ago, I sent him a letter a few months after the break up and it felt great to just get rid of that hurt. I feel that is what I am doing with this letter to Mysterious Ex, I hope I am right.

Not much to say

Life has been pretty ordinary. Work is fine. I've recently undertaken some redecoration/ petty renovation projects. I'm redoing my informal living room, bedroom and upstairs bathroom. I'm looking for a new biege couch, a new carpet and some new decor for the living room. My bedroom is getting a new bed, and a new setee or chaise lounge, plus a new table or two and definitely some new plants and lighting in both rooms. My bathroom I guess will have the most work done to it. I'm going to have the ceiling raised, new sink, cabinets and fixtures, new toilet and maybe a new tub/shower. My studio will also have some work done to it but that consists mainly of just new lighting. It's a lot of money and will probably take some time but, I'm bored with the way my house looks, it's time for something different.

I wrote Mysterious Ex a letter but, I've yet to mail it off. It felt good to just write it so, I'm not sure if I'm going to even send it to him, I may have just needed to get those feelings out of me and onto paper.

Desperately anticipating the christmas holiday so I can get a week and a half off. I just haven't really been in the work mood lately, not sure if I'm restless or just plain lazy, just not in the mood to be at work.

I went to a great party this weekend and now I have been inspired to have a party too. I was thinking of having one for New Year's, but, maybe I'll wait until I finish redecorating.

I spoke with Q (older guy with house in Belize), we are supposed to go out tomorrow but, I was speaking with my cousin T and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go out with him. Not because I don't like him, I think he's cool but truthfully, I don't feel much like going out with anybody, I just want to chill for a bit and be with myself. Also, I'm not sure what will happen between me and him. We really dug each other before and we stopped seeing one another because he felt he was so much older than me (which truthfully, he is) the thing is, I know I don't automatically have to marry him just because we go out a few times or enjoy one another's company but, there really isn't anywhere for us to go. I will admit that though I might not be trying to get into a relationship now, I would like to be apart of a relationship relationship and that isn't something that I feel he and I can do because, he's SO much older than me. His life is pretty settled, he's made his choices and they thus far have not included a wife or children, I don't think we want the same things out of life.

Spoke with my friend T (girl with the fabulous life but doesn't know it) and she tells me, her husband cheated on her and she was devastated. I admittedly didn't understand this because this is the same woman who cheats on her husband like (no exaggeration) three - five times a month. I just was a bit taken aback that she would go as far as to describe her feelings as that of devastation when she doesn't seem to take her relationship seriously AT ALL. That was a bit strange.

Well, nothing else besides that going on.

You are my friend, I like you but why do you insist on getting on the phone and recounting EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of your VERY boring day? I took the day off, you know this, I want to chill, hang out and do nothing. But, you INSIST on calling me 6,7,8,9 times until I answer the phone. WHY? Why do you do this? If you are my friend, you would leave me alone, you would respect my day off and leave me be, but NO! I have to hear from the time you woke up, to what soap you used, to what you wore to work, it's ridiculous. Leave me alone!

Well

Here I am, a year older and hopefully, a bit wiser. I don't know exactly the mood I've been in lately. I was sad most of last week, okay much of this week, but today, I've been just, blah. Didn't go to work today. Took a shower, then a bath, gave myself a pedicure, took Sam outside, washed some clothes, took out something for dinner (though I've yet to cook it) and layed across the bed reading 'The Cider House Rules' for about the last hour. I guess I'm going through the motions. Of what? I'm not really sure. Think I might stay home tomorrow too, I just feel content where I am and I don't want to ruin this feeling.

I thought alot today about things with Mysterious Ex. I'm tired of dwelling on it for so long. I know that I should be over it by now but my brooding over our break up has shifted gears. No longer am I just sad about the situation as much as I am upset with myself for investing so much time, effort and emotion into it. One part of me wants to write him a letter, I feel that I will feel better if I get some things "off my chest" another part of me thinks it's a lame idea and I'm not really in the mood to do so. I don't know.

The other day, Q called me (the older guy with the house in Belize) and asked me why I haven't called him. He says that he would like to go out with me, he'd like us to reconnect. I told him okay but truthfully, I'm just not in the mood to do any connecting. Right now, I just want to be. I somehow think that it is important for me to just take some time, reflect, gather myself before I make any moves, any decisions. I like him, he's a cool person, I don't want to tangle my mind up with thoughts of him while I am still dealing with the Mysterious Ex/me thing. I think that my rushing into trying to have a baby put those "dealing with my sadness" issue on the back burner. I know that everything we do in life is supposed to teach us a lesson, and I am trying to learn from my experience with M.E.

In other parts of my life, I am completely hooked on LOST.

Though I must admit I am knd of angry at the writers for trying to make EVERY character sympathetic. First it was Shannon who was such a bitch last season, I liked her as a bitch, it was funny and it gave the show some depth. Then we have to find out right before she dies that she was only so mean because her step mother stole her inheritance. Then it was Ana Lucia who obviously is a bit nutty, we have to find out the only reason she's so angry, bitter and murder happy is because some rouge thug shot her and killed her unborn child. Now, #1 I've known women who have lost babies, and it hasn't turned them into trigger happy manical killers. and #2 if Ana Lucia knew she was pregnant, why was she running around being a beat cop? Hasn't she ever heard of desk duty. Then we have to see Kate's story. Last season, Kate was the bad ass. The cute girl with this wild past. She robbed a bank, was on the run and now we find out, she killed her father? Because, she didn't like the fact that he was her dad? Huh? I've also known a person or two whose dads ran out on them. I knew this one girl whose father beat her mom, ran out on them, then married the mother's sister and believe it or not, they moved down the street from the girl and her mother, now if anyone deserves to die, it's that nigger, and miraculously, that girl didn't do anything. The things the characters are starting to do are beginning to seem a little far fetched. I don't know if I'm buying it all.

Some other things that are kind of pissing me off are the others/hatch story line. Are the others supernatural?
Why are they stealing children?
Is the hatch some kind of abandoned goverment experiment?
If they have been on the island for only like 50 days, why is Sayid boo hooing over Shannon like she was his wife?
Why doesn't Mr. Ecko ever answer when people speak to him? I find that shit rude.
Why did Michael sit down to chat on the computer like he was on AOL at home? I wouldn't have answered.
Where is Walt? and why is he always soaking wet when people see him, speaking backwards, but apparently he has internet access?

All of this and about a months worth of repeats to get through. I need a life.

Today's my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Me!

Depression Becomes Her

I've been in this very bad place for the past few days. I know I shouldn't get this way. I know that I have a good life but every so often, I just get kind of down in the dumps about stuff. I hate to feel that way, but it's the truth.

I dont' think I have the Assistant Principal job. They told me they would get back to me by Friday but I haven't heard from them. I thought I had this too, they seemed so interested and when I went for a tour of the school, the principal said, "I'll take you to YOUR office" but, ah well. The funny thing is, I spent all of the extra money in my head, I thought about how I would redocorate and renovate the downstairs the way I wanted to. So, I've been a bit sad about that.

Also, I've been going through this whole thing where I have been missing Mysterious Ex. I thought I was okay but, I think I'm getting anxious with my birthday coming up. For some reason, I think that I'm going to hear from him on my birthday, and that kind of has me on edge. One side of me wants to hear from him, I want things to progress fromt there, but the other side of me knows that isn't a reality. So, I have done this sad sack thing that I always do. As soon as work was over yesterday, I went shopping and bought a bunch of clothes, which I definitely don't need. Thoguh they were pretty cute. Then I went to the furniture store and bought a bunch of accents, just crap to put on shelves, on tables, and I saw a bed that I might get. I came home and shopped on line and bought a ring, a bracelet and an ipod. Then I went to bed, sad, near tears and upset because I thought about the reasons M.E. and I broke up and realized/always knew they were trivial. Then I went to this really dark place where I am thinking, "I was just a joke to him", " I wasn't significant to him", "He never loved me, he just thougt me to be a game to him, I wasn't important". It really hurt. I have to think, if I were important to him, why would he just give up on us so easily, I know I'm the one who intiated our break up but, he didn't give much resistance. I realize I am not over how things ended with us, I'm not okay with it, I kind of just brushed it out of my mind and now I think it is coming back.

I sat in my house yesterday and I just look at the sheer size of it. It's a huge house, way too big for just me. Just room after room of emptiness. I thought about baby and realize this isn't something I want to do by myself, tumor or no tumor. I'm not saying I'm going to hav ethis perfent happy life, but, I don't want to be a single mother, that isn't something I want to do. Doint so would mean that I'm just giving up, I'm not even going to try to make my life what I want it to be. I became upset again because I think, what else is there? Like, what is the point of life and why am I even in existence? Not in an "I want to kill myself type of way", but just in a "what is the point of it all?" kind of way. It makes me upset at times that I am not as strong as I think I am, that I am not as strong as I claim to be or want to be.

I feel very alone. It isn't the "I need a man" type of alone, I'm not that kind of girl. But, I must admit that I miss that kind of companionship, I miss that type of attention. But, even when M.E. and I were together I felt this way because, I barely saw him. Why is it so difficult for me to be in a decent relationship when almost everyone around me has someone in their life. Almost everyone I know has started their family or is on their way to doing so, and here I am, still alone, still waiting or looking or whatever it is I am doing. Then it makes me think, there must be something wrong with me, or I must not be a good person to be so unlovable, so unwantable. Friends and family tell me I am great, and even men that I meet and date casually, but arent' friends and family supposed to tell you that? And men are just trying to fuck me so of course I am great to them. I feel that I am a good person, anyone I have ever dated has told me I am, so, what is the problem?

I never seem to meet someone that I really like, and when I do, there is something wrong with them. Since I was 17, there have been three men that I have taken seriously, and all three of them had some serious problems so, it makes me think I must have problems too, to be attracted to those kinds of people. What do my choices in men say about me as a person? as a woman? The thing is, I think that I built Mysterious Ex up into this unattainable kind of person. Of course he had faults, but I thought so much of him, I allowed myself to love him in such a way that now, it's like no one else can compare to him. One part of me so badly wants to talk to him, even just to ask why? Why did things end up this way? You claimed to have loved me, but not enough to fight for us? I guess I am not worth that. I don't want to be broken hearted, I don't want to be "stuck"on him, but, I am. I have of course tried dating other people since he and I have broken up but, maybe I'm not ready yet. No one that I meet is as smart, is as funny is as put together, I seem to compare everyone to him. It just bothers me so much, I feel as though I've missed out on something huge in my life. I think it's very rare that someone meets a person who so perfectly fits into their version of "it", where will I meet someone like that again? I've convinced myself that meeting someone like him is not likely. But then again, maybe he was not the person I thought he was. If he were, would I be here now?

So, very early this morning, I woke up and made a bunch of shit to eat. I made sweet potato pancakes, sausages, coffee, eggs and I ate it all. I got in the bed and went back to sleep, slept until noon, let Sam run around the back yard for a while, and now I'm in the bed again laptop in tow, shopping online. I don't want to be in this state, it's stereotypical, it's stupid, but this is how I deal, this is what is comfortable to me when I am hurt and right now, I am hurting.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess there isn't much for me to do but just go through it. I wish I were different, I wish I were stronger, but, I'm not, this is just who I am.

So, what do I do? I have seriously thought of just not pursuing a serious relationship anymore, just casually dating and when I am ready to have a child, to just do so because it is obvious that now, I am NOT ready. This way, I would just be single for the rest of my life. I've thought of just getting into a realtionship with the next decent person who wants to be with me but, I know I won't be able to do that, if I'm not into someone, I can't fake it. I've thought of calling M.E. but, I wasn't happy with him with the way things were between us. There's a reason our relationship didn't work. I've thought of calling A again but, I can't do it. I can't be with someone I don't think highly of. I know that I'm young but, in other aspects, in so far as having children and all that jazz, I'm not. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now, that I know but, how long will I be in this heartbroken state? It's been four months, how long will it be before I am okay again?

I'm an asshole, and immature too

I have been dating since I was about 18. Before I met my first serious boyfriend at 18, I of course, went out with a few guys here and there. At the age of 18, when I didn't like a guy for what ever reason, I would just stop talking to him. I would stop calling him and I would no longer take his phone calls. Some guys got it right away, it took others a few weeks and in two cases, several months. The weird thing is, as I've gotten older, (I'll be 28 in two weeks), I do the same thing! What's wrong with me? Why do I do this? I liken myself to be a pretty put together intelligent chick, but, it is hard for me to just say, "hey guy, I don't want to do this, it's not you, it's me, let's just be friends" not me, I just stop talking to the person. I fantasize these long conversations where I am being very adult and discussing the reasons why I and the guy shouldn't see one another, but, I just don't do it.

I'm in the midst of this thing now with A, the guy I was pseudo dating and whom I now consider to be a big idiot. I haven't spoken to him in like 4 four days. I could just call and say, "Hey, A, I made a mistake, maybe we shouldn't pseudo date, I don't like you, you're an bigoted idiot". or, I could just say. "A, this really isn't working out, I think you're a nice person, I just don't think we click". That would be the cool adult thing to do, but, obviously, I'm neither cool nor adult. The funny thing is, every so often, some guy calls me out on my bullshit. I kind of feel bad for the three minutes it takes me to listen to their messages, and sometimes for about four minutes after that, but all in all, I don't really care. The VERY strange thing about it is, that was the way Mysterious Ex handled things, to just stop talking to me, and I HATED that shit. HATED, HATED, HATED. So, why would I do this to other people? I'm not sure really. Maybe I'm afraid of confrontation, maybe I'm just an asshole.



I have that interview tomorrow for the AP position. I guess I'm pulling out the big guns. I have all of my excellent evaluations, my reports from the teacher training I've done, my classroom management program (which can easily be modified for school wide use), reports from all of the after school programs I've been a part of (2 of them being under my direction), I've gone over my educational theories, my discipline tactics, I've pulled out my crispest, most expensive interview outfit (crossing my fingers, legs, toes and eyes that it still fits) and I hope it all works. Looking through my things, I seem to be a pretty proficient person, at least career wise, kind of makes me wonder why I don't use those same tactics in my personal life.

Since I sat on my fat ass shopping on line for half the day yesterday, like some kind of idiot, Sam and I are going for a brisk walk in the park to try and burn off at least some of the three donuts I ate yesterday.

Such an Idiot! and WooHoo, a job offer!

I just got off of the phone with A, the guy that I have been psuedo dating and I don't like him anymore, this dude is a total idiot. First off, he calls me, we exchange normal pleasantries and he goes, "Hold on, I want to hear this". He comes back tothe phone so I say, "what happened?" He says, "nothing, they were saying there was a bias attack and I thought some black guy got beat up, but it's just some gay dude." I of course go, "and that's okay? Is that what you are saying?" He says, "no, but it's not really that big of a deal". "What!" I say, "it isn't cool if the guy is Black but because he's gay it's fine, that's some bullshit." I guess he was taken a back by my pro gayness and he actually tells me "what, are you defending THEM?" WTF?! This dude is a straight idiot, I HATE him. I go on to ask him if he feels it's okay for a white, asian, latino, woman, arab, indian person to be beat up purely because they are what they are, he goes "of course not, why do you have to pull apart what I'm saying, what's up with that?" I really just kind of get angry and disinterested so I pull back, I've labeled him an idiot so, I don't say much. I then turn on the news (a different channel then he was watching) and they are talking about the attack, it occurred on Christopher and Stonewall Streets, right in the middle of the Village which is known as a very "gay" area. I'm actually shocked that someone would attack someone for being gay there, it's like a Black guy being beat up for being Black, in Harlem of all places, so I go, "they went to the Village and did it! What nerve!" he then responds, and I QUOTE, "Well, if you want to go beat up some gay people, I guess that's where you should go, there are wall to wall HOMOS in the city". WTF IS UP WITH THIS GUY?! At this point, I want to curse him out or tell him to go fuck himself but instead, I just sit there because I'm angry, he's an idiot, and I don't want to make the problem any worse.

He then goes on to speak about how he didn't vote today because he didn't like Bloomberg as a candidate and he didn't like Ferrer's "attitude" he said, and I QUOTE, "he was speaking too much to "the" Puerto Ricans, we need a good Black candidate." Now, I'm really angry, I'm not at all against a Black candidate, but I'm not for one based purely on the fact that the nigger is Black either, ie. Larry Elder, Condaleeza Rice, Alan Keyes etc. So of course I tell him, "what's wrong with you? are you serious?" I then shut completely up, there isn't anyway I'm going to sit here and converse with this idiot. Goddess I HATE him now.

So, through nepotism, I have been offered a job. It is as Interim Acting Assistant Principal of Lower Grades (grades K -3) at a small elementary school on the other side of Brooklyn. Now, here are the good points:

#1 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

#2 It's more pay, woo hoo, like 15,000 more, that kicks ass

#3 It's great experience, I want to be a principal eventually (within the next 3 - 5 years) this would be WONDERFUL

#4 It's elementary, I LOVE elementary. Kids don't usually bring guns to school yet and I won't have to spend my days arguing with 6'5" 400 pound 17 year old boys on why it isn't correct to hit other student's in the head with desks

#5 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

Here are the bad points:

#1 I don't know if I'm ready to become as Assistant Principal. I have most of the needed credits but, I'll admit, I don't have all of my credentials (this has btw, never stopped anyone before) this happens a lot

#2 Because of #1, I will be Interim Acting AP, which means if they don't like me or feel I'm not doing a good enough job, I will be "let go"

#3 If that happens, I'll be unemployed, (again)

#4 Who am I to think I can be Assistant Principa?, I'm a little kid in that world, everyone will know I'm a kid, will they treat me that way?

#5 Without my 2 trains, bus, hill and 6 flights up steps, I might have to go to the gym (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)

I might accept the nomination, who knows. I have a week to decide and two weeks after that to find out whether or not I get it. Here's mud in my eye.

Blah

Didn't go to work today, didn't much feel like it. I woke up, took a shower then got back in the bed, it was just one of those days. Funny thing is, my cousin T called (after she said she called my office) and she was home too, it really was one of those days. THO and I are going to Sweet Brother's house tonight. He's doing a Cajun style dinner so he's making gumbo and shrimp creole, I'm making dirty rice, peanut butter pralines and beignets and THO is bringing French Vanilla ice cream. We were going to make Mississippi Mudslides, but couldn't agree on whether that is truly a Cajun drink or not.

After cooking all of that stuff, I was cleaning the kitchen and I got very sad. So much so that my niece (who is all of 12) called me during my sadness and the first thing she asked after I said "Hello" was "what's wrong Auntie?" I was a little taken aback because I didn't know what she meant, so I asked "what do you mean Sweetie?" she answered, "You sound so sad." I was just thinking and I HATE to sound sorry for my self knowing all of the for lack of a better word, badness that occurrs in people's lives everyday. I mean, I woke up this morning, I am helathy, I have a great family, well most of them, who are healthy and alive, I have a decent job that pays well and I have a pretty nice place to live. I am no where next to starving, I live a pretty good life, what do I have to complain about? But, I thought about how much of what I thought I would do or accomplish by now has not really panned out. I at times feel a bit slouchy, thinking that I have not accomplished all that I have set out to do. I sometimes think that I am in a position where I will more than likely not get married anytime soon and as days go by, I have less and less chance of having a baby. It's funny how it can just all come to me at once, like, before I thought of this, I was in pretty good spirits and then bam, it just brings me down.

While I am fully aware of the fact that I have so many great things hapening in my life and I have so many things to be grateful for, it does admittedly get me down every so often.

I've always likened myself to be the kind of woman who was very independent. Actually, A (the guy I started psuedo dating again) told me the other day, that I was different from most women that he has dated for the simple fact that I don't seem as though I "need" him. But the other day, I was lying in bed with Sam reading and I thought, if only for a second, am I going to always sleep alone? Is this going to be my life? I mean, not at all that it is a scary situation, it just seems so finite like "this is it".

I have been pseudo dating A (more of just a distraction to the whole baby thing for me) and I think, is it that I am constantly looking for the wrong kind of guy? I mean, Mysterious Ex was the right kind of guy on paper. He is educated, owns his own place, has a good job is paid well, he's very "with it", suave, funny, up- wardly mobile, he's cultured, the kind of person that I feel compliments me well. But, in all other aspects, he was not good for me. A is a nice guy, and we seem to have a lot of things in common. When we dated a few years ago, I thought he was really nice, he alwys had time for me, as he does now, he was really a sweet guy who claims to be looking for "a good woman" (his words) but, he doesn't have a degree though he is quite intelligent, he has an okay job, one without much growth, he rents a teeny, tiny studio which he has been living in since I first met him about 4 years ago, and he's a bit rough around the edges, ex. he came to my house last weekend for dinner EMPTY HANDED, he didn't even ask IF he should bring anything. All the times that I've seen him (4) he has been wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. While at my house last weekend, he called a martini glass a wine glass, something that bothered me and, he wiped his hands on one of my decorative bath towels. Oh, and he ate chicken breast with his fingers. All of those things to me are ewwwwww factors.

I know that those things are superficial and do not mean a whole lot in the scheme of things. I know that the person that one will end up with probably won't be the type of person you have in mind but, how much compromising should one do?

I have been in this very weird place for the last few days. As I am getting closer and closer to the time where I should seriously be preparing for Baby, I honestly think, do I want to do this? Do I want to be a singel mother? What about me? Should I finish the principal trainging program and possible miss out on the opportunity to have a child? Am I in a good enough place to bring a child into this world? Will I make a good mother? Will having this child mean that I am admitting defeat to the fact that my life will be NOTHING as I have planned it? WIll I be able to have some semblence of the life I want with a child in tow? Will I be fair to the baby? Will I regret my decision? Is this something that I honestly want to do right now? Does every one have doubts like this? How do I know if I am just nervous or if I am seriously in doubt? It hurts a lot to even consider doing this outside of a marriage. This is something I thought I would never do. I am near tears a lot just thinking about this.

I have to get dressed, it's getting late.

To the Anonymous Comment

The reason that I can call one of my students a doofus is because:

I am a dean of discipline in an alternative school for students who have been kicked out of "regular" schools for their CONTROLLABLE behavior. The students who attend my school are plain and simply BAD. Some of them have brought guns and knives to school, beat up teachers and other students, which is why they have been sent to my school. The school I work in is a last resort for many of these students who often have little or no credits towards graduation. If read properly, I am calling them a doofus because of their BEHAVIOR, not their learning ability.

Leave a comment with your name next time.

7 Whole Days and Not a Word From Me

Not really much has been going on lately. Work is blah, everything else is copacetect (sp?). I've been kind of busy lately, I've been dating, running my mouth on the phone, etc. My doctor called me the other day, she would like me to come in next week because she has come across this drug that may be able to help with my tumors which would be great. I spoke to the father of my child and I think that we will hold off for a bit just to see how things will go. I want to have a child, but not like this. I've always thought of myself as being married, in the big house, etc. before I started pushing out some kids. If nothing can be done to help me, that's fine, I'll just continue with my plans.

So, Q (the older guy with the house in Belize) invited me to go to the Bahamas next weekend. Should I go? I don't know. I've never been to the Bahamas, at the very least, it would be a cool experience. Then I wonder, does he expect us to go as a psuedo couple? Is he expecting me to have sex with him if I go? Truthfully, I think hes cool, but that isn't something I'm looking to get into at this point. I have so much going on with just figuring things out with the baby, I can't entertain the notion of having "a man" or man like person in my life also. The dating here and there is fine, it's fun, there isn't anything serious coming out of it or expected of me.

I also went out with A (really nice guy I wasn't attracted to). He's SO sweet and actually, as an older woman than I was when we first met, I can appreciate him more as a person but, I'm still not attracted to him. He's nice, he's smart, he's cool to hang around but, I have absolutely no attraction to him what so ever. He's just not my "type" I guess.

My job gets very boring at times. I thought I would like the idea of not reallly having to do much work, but it gets irritating. It's like, and I would NEVER say this at work least they take my job away. That school doesn't really need a dean like person. There are a few bad asses here and there, but for the most part, those kids are okay. I kind of walk around the school, I scare kids into running faster to their classes and thats pretty much it. Every once in a while, some doofus acts a fool but that is usually cured with a call home and the taking away of a free period or two.

Sam and I went to the park today. It's starting to get cold here in the city, I had to bundle him up in his little sweater this evening. I guess I'll go scrape together some dinner or call THO to see what she's made.

Sam's New Haircut

I can't believe she woke me up for this shit.




Picture of Sam looking possessed.

I ate so much shit today, nothing nutritious. In no particular order, this is what I ate today. (I was feeling VERY piggy). Donut, orange, pear, banana, another donut, potato chips, grilled cheese sandwich, twix, snickers, another donut, juice, more candy and another donut. What the hell is wrong with me?

Today is Love Your Body Day

and not that I'm particularly very observant about it because truthfully, I forgot about it until like 6 or so this evening but, just thought I would mention it.

Feeling a little down lately, about nothing in particular, I decided to go all out this morning when getting dressed. Now, I'm no slouch, I usually look pretty damn good when I leave the house but today, I don't know, I just felt, FABULOUS. So, I wore this great silk kimono shirt that I have it's very mod with swirls of pinks, browns, neutrals with tiny little gold flecks, I wore my ultra push up bra and these great long brown slacks, I then pulled out the pink 4 inch Jimmy Choo like shoes (it was like 71 degrees today) and my hair and make up were impeccable, I wore this great huge gold locket that belonged to my grandmother and I wore my slouchy goldish Dooney and Burke bag, needless to say, I looked absolutely fabulous and I felt fucking fantastic. So all day people were telling me, you look great, you're so pretty, you're beautiful, it was wonderful, mind you I wasn't doing any of this specifically for attention but, that doesn't hurt sometimes. The funniest part of the day was after work I went to the bank and there was this guy there, actually, a really good looking guy that I was kind of eyeballing. As he is walking to get on line, he just stares at me and literally goes "wow" then, not watching where he was going, he tripped over the division rope that ensures everyone stays in a single file, it was quite funny.

I felt so wonderful today that I decided to call some ex guys. Not real boyfriends, just nice guys that I've dated in the past and stopped seeing for one reason or another. The first was this guy, A, who was always very sweet to me but at the time, I just wasn't into him. He and I dated for like a month and then, pttt, I stopped calling him, stopped taking his calls, it was childish, but I just didn't want him. But I had to admit, he was a really great guy, he and I are going out on Friday.

Then, I called Q who I ADROED. He was/is a GREAT guy but, he's a bit older than me so during the midst of our dating he tells me "I really, really, really like you, but, I'm too old for you, I feel like I'm stealing your youth". We spoke a few times after that and he called me like once a year for the past few years, but we never really went out again. He said he was really happy to hear from me he's thought about calling me before but, he heard about me and Mysterious Ex, getting "deep" (his words). He wanted to go out on Friday but, I told him we could get together Saturday. The really cool part about talking to him was, he is always on some adventure, he's always good for a wonderful story. The guy isn't super rich, but he's done nicely for himself, he's always traveling around the world going here and there, so he tells me, "guess what?" of course I go, "what?" he goes, "I bought a house in Belize". Thats cool and exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean, who buys a house in Belize? (except of course for Belizians?) I thought that was pretty cool. So he goes, great, you can come to Belize with me over the school winter break (he also works for the NYC school system).

Then I called K, who was a GREAT guy. He was very sweet and really nice but I didn't like him because he asked me, while looking at a Gustav Klimt print (I have a LOT of art (paintings, drawings, sculpture, etc of differnet mediums, most of it mine but a lot from friends of mine) ALL around my house) and I quote "what kind of art that be?" Um, what? That was REALLY a turn off I mean, could he have slaughtered the English language further. But, other than that excusable(?) faux pas, he was very nice. He and I spoke and we are going out on Sunday. Then Monday, I am supposed to go out with the father of my child.

So, I guess I'll have a very full weekend.

Today, I was very upset over this entire tumor thing. I wish it weren't so big, I wish this was something I didn't have to deal with right now. I know that there are people all across this earth suffering, hurting, unhappy and that really, I have no right to complain about what is really a minor thing but, I just wish things were different.

How I Spent My Saturday Morning

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange. But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Blah

It's been raining and raining and raining here. It's cold, windy, such a blah week. I went shopping today to cheer myself up. I know I'm not supposed to do that, I know I'm supposed to stick to my budget but, I only bought things on sale, with the exception of this jacket that I ADORED. It was the only one left in my size so I bought it. The rest of the stuff was in clearance so I bought some really great tanks, some new panties and a few new bras. I also got a little lingerie since I'm really girly and like to feel pretty after a great shower before bed. Plus, I'm trying to buy pieces that are cute and will last me through at least the first few months of pregnancy since I really don't like "maternity" clothes and really, really, really don't like maternity clothes made for fat chicks, ewwwww.

I spoke with the father of my child who I actually forgot was such a great guy. It's like whenever we've spoken or hung out, I'm all, FOMC is SO great, why didn't I ever date him? I'm not "liking" him liking him but in my humble opinion, he is a great choice for the father of my child, I think I chose wisely.

I just came back from THO's house. It has been our ritual I guess for a bit of time to hang out together on Friday or Saturday night. It's cool but my mom and I get together and we are like little kids. When I eat alone, I eat things like chicken salad, fish, veggies and rice, I still like to bake but, I've been curtailing my baked goods intake as well as too much munchy, fatty, sugary kind of foods especailly for the baby. THO will tell me, I'm eating salad and fish tonight or, I'm going to have some grilled chicken and veggies, but, when THO and I get together, we start making cheeseburgers, french fries, eating ice cream. It's sick. I don't know what it is. Tonight, we had cheese turkey burgers, waffle fries, soda then for dessert, we had ice cream a (ewwwww) store bought chocolate chip cookies. What's up with that?

I felt a wee bit sad for a wee bit of time tonight. I called my friend C, my and he was out on a date. I was so shocked, he's always complaining about this woman or that one and talking about how he's NEVER going out anymore, which he usually doesn't so I figure, hey, it's raining, let me see what C is up to, and he's on a date. So I called my friend K out in Chicago who's always good for a long Friday night chat since he and his girlfriend broke up and guess what? She's over there. So I ask him, are you two getting back together? and in typical man fashion he answers "nah, it's not like that, you know, we just chillin'", okay. My cousin T had to go to bed early because she has a test in the morning (for a job promotion) and my friend T has a class in the morning so she's in bed. THO was tired, she went to the doctor like 8 this morning and FOMC is going to the Million More Movement (very proud of him for that) tomorrow so I have no one to talk to really. I am by myself which I normally don't mind, I'm not the lonely type, but tonight Ijust feel alone. I guess I could watch a movie or something since I'm not tired at all, Sam and I slept for like 2 hours this afternoon.

Not much else is going on. I'm tired of the rain. Work is fine, Sam and I take a nap everyday after work. Nothing big or significant.

Why am I such a kid?

I'm angry at myself. I do VERY stupid things. Childish and unwarranted. I am better than this. I know that I am but I can't seem to help myself sometimes. I'll be going along just fine and then BAM! I have to do something stupid. Today, I sent out the confessionary mail to my friends just like a play around thing that someone sent me and so I forwarded. It's confessing stuff that I have done while in a relationship or what I really thought about someone I was in a relationship with. One part of the mail was about Mysterious Ex, it's very mean and not very nice at all but hey, it's the truth right? So, I cannot be satisfied with just writing it and sending it to my friends, no, not crazy me, I have to send it to him to. To seem as though I "accidentally" sent it. I mentioned that fact that I'm expecting too. Why do I do this? There is really no reason at all that I should send this, it's just to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad, that's very childish and quite unecesarry. But, I did it anyway. One part of me says fuck it, he's hurt you why can't you do the same? The other part of me knows it isn't right. But the real question is, do I really even care? It's just so stupid.

My Sister is the Biggest Fucking Liar Ever!

We all had a "family" meeting on Wednesday night, which cut into like half of a new episode of LOST, I was needless to say, pissed off. Anyway she lied through this entire meeting. She said the reason she was witholding rent money was because she was saving money for new windows, mind you, the house doesn't need new windows but this is the excuse she uses. My cool sister D and oldest brother Junior were basically telling her, a 50+ year old woman mind you, that you just can't go and withold rent because you feel like it, you just can't do what you want to do in this world. If she were living anywhere else, she would have been out on her ass MONTHS ago. I think she knows my mom won't kick her out and that's why she acts the fool. I told THO if it were me, that bitch would have been out on her arse after month one. That's some bullshit, just NOT paying rent 'cause you don't feel like it. Mind you, if it were cold in her house or if some bullshit went down in her apartment, she would be the first one complaining and wanting to get it fixed. Basically that bitch is an asshole, first class.

She then went on to tell everyone, I told THO I was going to hold the rent. My mom, being the lady she is refused to get down and dirty just politely answered, "No, you didn't". At which Queen Asshole answered, "Yes, I did!", this exchange went back and forth about four times then I, who is very much the lady most of the time but decided this wouldn't be one of those times answered, "You're a fucking liar, cut that shit out!"





She then went on to mention the fact that since HER father bought the houses SHE should be the one who took over the houses. My sister D snaps, "What!? Daddy and THO were married for like 30 years, the last three houses were bought when they were married, everyone else was already out of the house, where do you even get off saying some shit like that?" Since Queen Asshole claimed she had saved the money for windows, my oldest brother Junior says, "then you should have no problem paying THO the back rent by this weekend, since you know, it's saved up and what not". Queen Asshole responds, snidely (sp?) "You'll get your money." Ass of today, Saturday, at 8:28 p.m., THO has gotten $800.00 of the $3500 she was owed. THO then raised her rent which she probably won't get since she can't/won't pay what little she owes now. If I were THO, eviction proceedings would have started already man. That bitch is an asshole, for real.

I'm seriously considering giving my tenants the old heave ho, they paid up on their past due rent but, I think I'll keep them around for like another year until after Baby is born, their extra rent money will come in handy while I'm on maternity leave, and then, they're outta here. Maybe I'm just being mean thinking about Queen Asshole, we'll see.

So, the next day, my sister D calls me and tells me that Queen Asshole called and asked her if D could take out a loan for Q.A. Apparently QA wants the money for said loan but doesn't want to put her credit at risk. WTF?! How do you ask someone to do something like that and say because I don't want to ruin my credit?



#1 Queen Asshole doesn't need credit beyond the liquor store or coke dealer. This bitch is not/will not do/doing anything productive with her life. Getting drunk and high I think is her limit in the goals department.

#2 Duh, you're a fucking credit risk whore! You don't pay your $500 a month rent despite having two minimum wage jobs and you want someone to not loan, but take out a loan for you? You've got to be kidding!




#3 The fucking gall man, I could see if you are responsible but maybe acquired bad credit because of mistakes in your youth but shit man, her youth was like 35 years ago. If she hasn't gotten it together as of now, it's basically a lost cause.

To top it all off, D says that Queen Asshole's shiftless good for nothing husband tells her "you and B (D's husband) should buy us a Lexus, what with all the money y'all got". I don't even know what to say about that.

Then Queen Asshole tells "me because you, you think you're so great but you live in a house daddy left you, I can't understand why it's such a big deal that I do the same".

(By the way, I do think I'm great because fuck, I am. My daddy thought I was great too which is why she's so angry at me, this chick has a LOOOOOOOOOOONG history of fucking up. It's like way too much to mention, maybe I'll start a Great fuck ups in history made by Queen Asshole .)

I answered her, plain as day,

#1 I lived in my own apartment where I was paying like $900 a month in addition to going to graduate school and paying other bills. I was NEVER late with my rent, my landlord didn't try to kick me out. He was actually sad when I moved out.

#2 I'm 27. I have two bachelors, two masters, I've worked for like 10 years, I owned my own business, I make like $60,000 a year and byt the time I'm 31, I'll make like twice that. What have YOU done?



#3 Daddy left me this house because he knew I wouldn't squander it away on blow you fucking crack head! Don't you ever fucking compare me to you. Any male living in my house, not working, eating food I paid for and sucking on my titties will at least be in diapers. You're a fucking asshole.

I don't usually let people get to me, I think I'm a rather calm person, but she gets on my fucking nerves. It's just, she's so fucking foul, and the thing is, she doesn't even realize she's stupid. Man, she's such a fucking asshole.

Ugh, Ugh and Ugh!

I'm going to say something that is vey evil. I HATE my sister. I'm frowning up my face as I even think about her. She is such an asshole. I have two brothers and two sisters. Three of them, I'll call them Jr. (the oldest brother), D (the cool sister) and Queen Asshole (the hated sister) are from my dad's first marriage. My dad was 21 years older than my mother so he had a wife and three children before he and The Heavenly One met. Dad was already divorced when he and THO met. Anyway, my brother, the younger than the rest but older than me brother and I are my dad's "second set" of kids. Since my brother who I'll call Sweet Brother and I grew up together, we are close. The other three were young adults when Sweet Brother was born and already married with children when I was born. Sweet Brother is 10 years older than me. Anyway, when my dad died, he left me this house because I was the youngest and my dad being an old country boy was following Southern tradition which says that the house, bulk of money, etc. goes to the youngest unmarried child (especially a daughter). When my dad died, I was in graduate school and so the money he left me and this house really helped out. All of my brothers and sisters, with the exception of Queen Asshole own their own houses (or two) and are doing very well financially.

Just a little background. Queen Asshole barely graduated from high school. She didn't go to college and really hasn't done anything productive with her life. She was/is a coke head, drinks more than a fish and is just in general a get over creatin (sp?). She is like 55, has some crap ass job at a department store where all of her co workers are college students and is married to a man who does not work and is generally a nasty person. Once when I was like 7 or 8, my cousin T and I walked in on her sniffing cocaine in my parents' bathroom. She continuously cries broke and borrows money from my older brother and sister who bail her out time and time again. She is stupid, conniving, not cute at all, she has a little smushed in face and just is generally not a nice person. Sam, who is the sweetest dog in the world bit her once and barks at her constantly whenever he happens to see her. I barely speak to her, other than to say hi when I am face to face with her and I keep my distance. And, she is cheap, not frugal, but cheap. Once, we were all visting my parents, I think we were having a barbeque, she was going to go to the store because my parents didn't have the kind of beer she wanted, my dad asked her to buy him a pack of cigarettes, and she held out her hand so that he would give her the money. To her own daddy!

All througout her adulthood, my dad has given her money, given her down payments on apartments, etc. She is just a fuck up.

Anyway, her son is a special needs child (he is 25 now) because he was born addicted to cocaine, because she's a coke head and he serious problems. Before my dad died, he allowed her to live in a house he owned because she felt her son would do better in a smaller environment (she was living in one of those HUGE apartment buildings). My dad allowed her to live there at discount rent, $500 dollars a month for a three bedroom, two bathroom living room, dining room, eat in kitchen deck type apartment. In NYC, this apt is worth like $2,500 dollars a month and even when she moved in, it would have been worth like $1,500. However, she doesn't pay rent. Like EVER. The Heavenly One now owns the house and Queen Asshole DOES NOT PAY RENT. No explanations, no excuses, no nothing, she just doesn't pay. She hasn't paid rent since like April, maybe May. And when she does manage to pay, it always late or half , some stupid shit like that. However, taxes are still due, water bill and insurance has to be paid and all of this comes out of THO's pocket. On top of all of this, Queen Asshole goes around gossiping about people, telling EVERYONE'S business and just generally being an asshole. Sweet Brother stayed over to THO's house the other night, something was wrong with the alarm on his SUV and he didn't want to park on the street near his house so he parked in THO's garage and got it fixed in the morning. Queen Asshole saw Sweet Brother at THO's house and she called EVERYONE and told them ALL, Sweet Brother and his wife were having problems. WTF?! That shit is ridiculous. About 2 weeks ago or so, D (the cool sister) asked me, how are you and Mysterious Ex doing? As this is something she has never asked, I asked her, what do you mean? She tells me, Queen Asshole told me she hasn't seen him around. WTF? You mean to tell me in between fucking her drunk ass husband and snorting cocaine 20 hours a day, this bitch has time to look ten houses up the street and see who's car is in my driveway?! You've got to be kidding me!

She told me last year sometime, "you know if you sell that house, you have to split up the money five ways right? It's not fair that you should be the only person to share in OUR (her empahasis) father's hard work."

First off, I never said I was going to sell the house (not to her at least or matter of fact, not to any of my siblings)

Second off, my dad left ME the house, not us. Anyway, I'm not selfish, it isn't as though I wouldn't share but,

#1 My brothers and sister all own their own houses. Sweet Brother owns a condo, a house and some land further south where he and his wife are planning to build a home. Jr. has two houses and is planning on retiring to Florida in the next couple of years to a custom built home. D and her husband sold their townhouse for like $1.2 million dollars a few years ago and are living the high life, sans the drugs, in the south.

#2 NO one else has even mentioned anything like this to me. The furthest thing that has occurred is my oldest brother Jr. told me if I wanted to sell the house to let him know so that no one tries to cheat me out of a decent price.

#3 Since everyone is doing their own thing, no one cares about this house, they all have their own lives and their own stuff, no one cares.

#4 Even without this house, it has always been my plan to go out into the world and buy my own place. Since I was younger, it has always been my intention to make my own way in life and own my own shit.

It sickens me that she can't do the same. Why does she feel entitled to live off of my dad's hard work? Like when my dad died, everyone was sad and upset over his death but SHE was the one to lead the crusade to having the will read and getting the money she thought she was entitiled to. While no one else in the family was even thinking about how this or that was going to be split up or who was going to own this house or that, she was on top of evrything. I bet you to this day, she could tell anyone who asked how much each of us received, down to the penny. It's like since he did well for himself, she feels she doesn't have to. She is such a fucking get over and I hate her for that.

We are supposed to have a family meeting on Wednesday to discuss her non payment of rent and already I am heated. I know that I'm going to wind up cursing her out or something, already I'm angry just thinking about it. She gets on my nerves. She's such a lazy, get over bitch.

But the thing is, for some reason, no one tells her any of this stuff. It's like they just let her continue to do this shit. She shouldn't do any of this stuff and should have enough common sense or self respect to not do it but obviously she doesn't and no one will ever say, "hey Asshole, cut that shit out". I just don't understand how she feels its her right to stay anywhere and especially for free. I've always been thankful that I've been given such a privilege. I'm thankful I had parents who invested well and made it possible for me to have a great future for myself and for my future children. Even The Heavenly One has said time and time again, if it weren't houses, we wouldn't have been able to send you to school or be able to afford this or do that. I've always been thankful, but, I've always known that it was a privilege and not a right. I KNOW that I am not entitiled to anything. SHE, doesn't seem to understand that. I'm the only one EVER who has called her out on her dumb shit and so she continues to do this. THO feels bad because she says if she dies, I will get the four houses and she doesn't want me to put up with Queen Asshole's bullshit. I told THO, let her have the house, you know that's what she wants anyway it isn't worth the irritation to me, it really isn't. I have no long term vested interest in any of those houses and feel wishy washy about the one I am living in, it really isn't a big deal to me. THO however is very stuck on "the principle of the matter". I'll see how shit turns out.

Single Handedly Setting Back the Black Race

So, I was at THO's house just a bit ago, we were talking about my tenants' non payment of the rent (I know I have to get gully with them, I was just waiting for them to do what they needed to do). Anyway, we were in the kitchen and her television was playing in the living room when I hear the words, "Fantasia Barrino" and "illiterate".



I hightalied it into the living room to hear the most shocking shit (at least for this evening). Apparently, Fantasia of American Idol fame is not only an unwed ex welfare mother, but that bitch is illiterate too! WTF son?, it's like 2005 and shit, that chick is only 20 or so and she can't read? I mean, not even a little bit? She says that the most embarassing and hurtful part of being unable to read is that she can't read a book to her 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. I mean what are two year olds reading? The Little Engine that Could and shit? Come on. How embarassing. Not only that, but after announcing that she cannot read, she plugs her memoirs. You read thar correctly, her memoirs. First off, she's 20, what living has she done? Second off, we know her life story, she can't read, she had a kid at 16, she's never had a job in her life and she won American Idol. See, end of story, and she needs a whole memoir for what I recapped in not quite one sentence? Give me a break.


Leading to the most shocking thing of the day. Gambling addict and all around asshole Bill Bennett made the most heinous comment on his little listened to show yesterday morning. While speaking to a caller of his who suggested if all of the children who had been aborted since Roe vs. Wade had not been aborted, our Social Security system would not be in jeopardy (his stupid comments did not go unnoticed by me, we could for instance stop sending 40 billion dollar rockets into space to do Goddess know what and put that money towards Social Security or crack down on governmental corruption or tax the rich and corporations at the same rate working people are taxed, or spend the money we spent on that stupid war on Social Security but that would be silly now wouldn't it?) he responded: "You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down". Then, crack head Rush Limbaugh had the nerve to accuse Media Matters for America (a very decent news source) of taking Bennett's comment out of context. The only context those statements need to be taken in is that that dude is a idiotic racist idiot (I know I used the same description). Later, Bennett tried to blame his blatantly racist comments on a discussion he had with Steven Levitt who wrote Freakonomics a while back. But, going back to that discussion (the transcript can be found on Slate.com) he was found to be a bold faced liar. Stupid idiot.





It's funny how most crimes and wrong doings are always blamed on people of color and poor people when the real criminals are those in our government who are basically stealing from us everyday and corporations who fuck their workers over by stealing their pensions, not giving their workers insurance or a living wage, and stealing $600 million worth of company funds. Yet, our biggest interest is the guy who is tealing from the local Dunkin' Donuts. It's just funny sometimes.

What's Up With Me?

Did some blatantly immature bullshit today. The funny (or not so funny) thing is, I knew what I was doing was stupid, not cool, not necesarry (sp?) and just plain dumb but you know what? I did it anyway. I would say what I did, but I'm scared someone I know will come across this and realize that I was the one who did the dumb shit so, I'll just not mention any specifics. The thing is, before, during, and after I did said dumb shit, I was telling my self, "Self, this is stupid. What's up with you? Why do you do such things?" But then I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyway, and I did."

I'm such a television fanatic lately, I've REALLY been watching Lost and it is so FUCKING GOOD! I actually get angry (for a short time) when it goes off, it's like I HAVE to watch it, it's sick. So, in addition to that show, I've been watching My Name is Earl which is very funny, Everybody Hates Chris which is good, Survivor, which I've been taping as to be able to wath Chris and last night, I was trying to watch three different shows at once, its sick but, I really did try. I'm nutty.

Work has been cool I guess. Not much has been going on and truthfully, it gets a bit boring but, I get paid again this weekend so that should make things better.

Because of Humanity Critic I watched the VH1 Hip Hop Tribute show, which could have been much, much, much better. First off, I thought it would be more old school, they had Salt 'n Pepa, who looked pretty hot still, LL Cool J, Big Daddy Kane (who was off the fucking hook) and then, they do a tribute to Notorious BIG, Biggie Smalls, whatever you wnat to call him. WTF, since when was Biggie an old school artist? That nigga was rhyming when I was in college and that shit was not that long ago. That kind of pissed me off because it was like cool, LL, Salt 'n Pepa, Kane who were all rockin' at least from the mid 80's and then Biggie?! It just didn't sit well with me. Then, why the hell was Kanye West rapping at the tribute show? What has this big toothed bastard done that is remotely deserving of being honored? I mean give me a fuckin' break, how could you honor a legend like LL who has been on the scene for three decades, crossed over into television and movies and doing fucking commercials for women's products and then put up some sophomore album 2 hit pussy like Kanye, that shit was insulting. The biggest highlight of the day was definitely BDK who after all these years, fucking flipped on the stage like no one's business. I was at The Heavenly One's house watching it and got up screaming "warm it up Kane, warm it up Kane, ooooohhhh, go, go, go" like an idiot until my momma came in and yelled some sense into my dumb ass. That shit was tight though.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

No Work Tomorrow

I am at my cousin's T house tonight. Not going to work tomorrow. Didn't do much today at all. Came over here, took Sam for a walk in the park where he proceeded to bark at every single, dog, cat, squirrel, man, woman and child he saw. Ate an ENTIRE pint of ice cream, that was pretty gross of me but damn it was good. Walked about two miles, lifted weights, did about 20 minutes of yoga and did a few sit ups. Porbably will do more work tomorrow as I am watching a special on a woman who weighs about 700 pounds and it has scared me shitless. If I was one of those throwing up chicks, I would have done it when this first came on. Spoke to the futre father of my child. He's really funny, such a sweet guy. I guess that's it. Not much going on.

Good thoughts from a cool woman

I was reading this blog and saw her 10 rules for a pretty woman. It reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago:

10 Things Every Free Woman Should Know

1. What freedom TRULY means

2. How to earn a PROPER living, manage her money and financial life

3. How to manage a home, raising and cooking food properly, raising and feeding children properly (this includes prenatal and child bearing) caring for herself and her home regardless of whether she has a partner or not

4. How to defend herself, her home and her children

5. How to spiritually care for herself, how to find happiness from within without external validation

6. Sexual and physical health, what parts comprise her body, their functions, what is normal and abnormal in their basic functions and how to bring her self to sexual release

7. That she is okay with herself

8. That as a FREE woman, she has options and is the only one who can decide what she is to do with her life, and her body

9. The history of the Goddess, Goddess Worship, the Black Woman, Matriarchal societies and how it relates to her as a Free Woman

10. Herself

It's funny how I don't think I've followed all of those rules. Even though I know I should.


Also, I stole this from her:

Knowing your A - B - C's

A-Accent: I guess a Brooklyn accent within NYC, a New York accent every where else you know, chawcklit instead of chocolate, dawg instead of dog, cawfee for coffee, etc.

B-Breast Size: DD

C- Chore you hate: hate em all

D-Dad's name: Warren

E-Essential make-up: Fashion Fair Souffle - Brown Blaze Glo

F- Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Cross between Issey Miake and Lolita Lempicka

G- Gold or Silver: Silver

H-Hometown: Brooklyn, NY

I-Insomnia: Not at all

J-Job title: Teacher/Dean

K-Kids: Working on it

L-Living arrangements: By my damn self, well actually the cat and dog, if they count

M-Mom's Birthplace: NY, NY

N-Number of sexual partners you've had: really? um, I don't want to incriminate myslef, let's just say over 1

O-Overnight Hospital Stays: 3

P-Phobia: Aliens, scary

Q-Favorite Quote: real or for play? I guess: "ecstasy is uncut forest and the smell of fresh baked bread" from the temple of my familiar by alice walker or "He distrusted her affection; and what loneliness is more lonely than distrust?" from middlemarch by george elliot

R-Religious affiliation: Christian - Lutheran

S-Siblings: 2 brothers, 2 sisters, all older

T-Two You are Tagging: I guess Tevonda and Anna

U-Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Blonde, chestnut, jet black, copper honey blonde, red, auburn and a sort of orangey red

V-Vegetable you refuse to eat: black eyed peas, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

W-Worst Habit: mmmmmmm, I guess picking when I cut myself and procrastination

X-X-rays you've had: chest for bronchitis, ankle when I broke it, toe when I broke it, ear when I was a kid, and uterus, though that was more of a sonogram

Y-Yummy foods you make: where do I start man, I'm a mean cook. I guess my favorite things to cook are Indian style chicken with coconut rice and curried cabbage. My favorite thing to bake would be chocolate chunk walnut butter cookies or my peanut butter, oatmeal honey cookies. I get lots of compliments on my cheesecake and mocha cake.
Z-Zodiac Sign: Sagitarrius the archer

Crazy People on My Street

There is this guy who lives on my block, he is the husband of a girl I used to play with as a child. Now I will not say he is crazy in the conventional sense of the word, but there is definitely something NOT right about this dude. He is married, he has a daughter and his wife is not nutty, he is actually quite nice, he has on occassion helped me or The Heavenly One with our groceries but, for some strange reason, while he is walking up the street, he will just yell "BROOKLYN!" or "PUERTO RICO!" at the top of his lungs. He plays with the children on the street and they all seem to think he is great. I don't know if he is doing this to impress them or because they think it is funny but, it's just crazy. Like, I'm sitting in my living room now, reading email and I will just hear "BROOKLYN!" like, what possesses this guy to do this? Am I the only person who thinks he needs to shut up? It's kind of annoying.

Samson's explosive flatulence is back. Jesus God this dog can let it rip. I actually forgot about it for a while because he wasn't doing it but, I realized the culprit must be his Thanksgiving Day Dinner. I haven't bought it for a while even though he likes it because I haven't seen it. When I ordered his food last week, it was in stock again so I bought two cases thinking it would last him a while in case they run out of some again anytime soon and right away, he is farting up a horrible storm. I mean he only weighs like 4 pounds, how does he do this? I banned him from the living room but he cried so badly, I guess because he hasn't seen me all day so I just had to let him in but open the window. It's horrendous.

Nothing Political, just ordinary bitching

I am the laziest person ever. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. My job isn't even hard. Just the act of getting up, getting dressed and treking my fat ass all the way up town is not my idea of fun. I did however get paid the other day and it WAS SWEET!! I got a raise, (since my years as a teacher has increased and I have a bit of a higher position) so my paycheck was quite nice. Though, I think I should get a paycheck everyday, just to keep me motivated.

Spoke to the future father of my child who is the sweetest guy. I had to think, why didn't we ever hook up? But then I remembered, he really isn't my type physically and we just never viewed one another that way I guess. Thought about calling Mysterious Ex, this is around the time he and I would get back together when we are going through our break ups, 6 - 8 weeks is usually around the time he gets weak and gives me a call. I had to seriously think. I miss him, I will not say I do not, I would be lying but, I actually had to go through all of the stuff that I disliked about him. It's funny how you forget all of the bad stuff someone does. I had to tell myself if he happens to call, I will not answer the phone, it is time to really let this go.

So, I am sitting here doing nothing. Some neighbors of mine are having a party, on a Sunday night and though they do sound like they're having fun, it's like 1 in the morning and they are having just a bit too much fun. I mean, people have to go to work, don't they? I called THO since they are closer to her house to ask if she heard all of the noise and her answer was "Is that what I've been hearing?, I thought my boiler was acting up, I was about to call you." (I guess the bass in the big speakers made her think that) but, what is up with my mom? She's bugging out over there.

My cousin T had an operation on her foot so she and I have been on the phone all weekend. I LOVE T.

My tenants haven't paid their rent this month, they normally are pretty cool so, I haven't said anything. I was thinking maybe they thought they paid it already but truthfully, I don't see how they could think that. THO says to give them until the end of the month but I'm no greedy land lord, what do I do? Send them a note, knock on their door? I'm not sure.

My next door neighbor finished the renovation of his house and it is fucking unbelievable. He and I have the same house style. He restored it to it's original state. I didn't know our houses were so great. I guess with the 70's, people painted to make the houses look more modern and so, all of my surfaces are painted, all the woodwork, fireplaces, etc. Had I known all of that stuff was under all of this, I would have gotten some paint off in the time I have been home. Apparently, all of my fireplaces (I have 6 of them) are marble and brass, while mine are nice, they are painted and not marble and brass, well, the marble and brass are under all of the paint. Also, I have these huge french doors between my master bedroom and what was traditionally the parlor but what is my casual living room and office, mine are painted cream, (my casual living room is red and cream) but there is beautiful stained glass under that paint, I never knew. Also, in my kitchen, there is this HUGE fireplace which was traditionally used as the stove, my stove is actually IN the fireplace (It's that big) but my dad had it painted so when I moved here, I just painted it again, my kitchen is this cute sunflower color with pumpkin trim, anyway, that ENTIRE thing is this BEAUTIFUL red brick and the shelf over that is marble. There is this small alcove in my formal living room (which I NEVER use) and that is all marble. Not to mention ALL of the doorways have this beautiful scroll work and the banisters too but truth be told, I've never paid them much attention while I was painting, or sponge painting or doing my decoupage now, I'm rethinking how I want my house to look. Truthfully, I always thought I would sell this place and move to the suburbs but now that I know it can look so cute, and since that house near me sold for $10 million, I think I might stay.

Home Sweet Home

My neighbor's house is paid for as is mine so about a year or so ago, he kicked out his tenants and just renovated. I'm thinking I might do the same. Downstairs is my formal living room, formal dining room, guest bedroom, HUGE unused bathroom, kitchen, HUGE hallway, pantry, and storage room. If I knock down the walls downstairs, I can make my kitchen, guest bedroom and formal living room into one of those great rooms. I would keep the other rooms and I would make my downstairs bathroom smaller because truthfully, that fucker is HUGE, it's like a master bathroom and all I ever do is piss in there. There's a tub, shower, sink, toilet, bidet (don't ask me why there's a bidet and NO, I don't use it) and built in shelves, too much stuff. I could easily make the two remaining bedrooms upstairs into one huge bedroom and make my tenants apartment a guest room, extra bedroom, studio and some other shit because they have like 8 humongous rooms. This is something I'm going to seriously consider. One of my cousins is a contrator so I'll speak to him.

Sam and I are going to do some serious hanging out next week. I've been staying home in an attempt to save money and while I will not be a complete louse when it comes to spending money, I am going to have a bit of fun. Well, I guess I should convince myself to go to bed, I do have to go to work in the morning.

Yo, this is the dumbest thing I have seen all day

Now we know why the "terrorists" knocked down the Twin Towers and why Hurrican Katrina left thousands of people homeless. It was all Ellen Degeneres' fault.






According to Pat Robertson, whom FEMA listed as the second organization to give money to only after The Red Cross and who spends half of his charitable money to fund his own media empire, Ellen is this reason why all of these horrible things keep happening to poor Americans.


“By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath,” Robertson said on “The 700 Club” on Sunday. “Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”

Not the fact that the first President Bush and his cronies years ago fucked over Afghanistan and in particular Bin Laden, not the fact that America has for years fucked over any country it feels it wants to and has therefore spread a hatred for it's citizens world wide, not for the fact that Katrina was a FUCKING HURRICANE, a WAVE that started off of the coast of Africa about a month ago, no, it's all Ellen's fault. Jesus God what a fucking idiot!

“This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards,” Robertson explained to his approximately one million viewers. “America is waiting for her to apologize for the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation.”




Guilty of death and destruction? You decide.

at Work

So, I'm sitting here "working" and I am playing around on line. My friend K sends me this email about the whole Katrina thing from "the black perspective" which if anyone who knows me personally knows that this whole situation has pissed me off. Not to say that this one incident has pissed me off, I have always been generally pissed off with the way Black folks have been portrayed/seen/treated/allowed to live in this country.

After 9 - 11, many of us (me NOT included) fell into this "we're all Americans bullshit". I for one have always known I was a Nigger, I am, and will always be a nigger. No amount of degrees I have earned and standard American English flowing out of my mouth would ever change that. I know who I am and what this country perceives me to be. I have experienced too much adversity in my short life to make myself believe otherwise.

Will this be a wake up call? I doubt it. If children being bitten by dogs, arrested, shocked with tazer (sp?) guns and drowned with water hoses 40 years ago was not a wake up call, a few poor homeless niggers aren't going to change shit. So, my friend Keyah, who is an optimist and also I think a closeted Republican tells me, "you think too negatively of what's going on, we've made such great strides, the government has been shamed into improving situations, you'll see". Keyah, I love you, you are great but that's not going to happen. Why wasn't the government shamed when it was selling your great grand mother and my grand father to the highest bidder? Why wasn't it shamed when it passed a law declaring you 2/3 of a human being? Why wasn't it shamed when local law makers and mobs of men hung black men from trees and cut off their sexual organs as a way to pass time after a Saturday night beer (my great grandfather being one of them)? Why wasn't it shamed when it allowed ADULTS to throw rocks at a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl as she tried to go to school? Why wasn't it shamed when it ordered it's officers to tazer my friends mom and my father (who had a scar on him arm from the tazer) as they marcehd for basic rights? Why wasn't it shamed when it didn't allow you the right to vote until 1965 and in some cases 1970? Why wasn't it shamed when that man down in Texas was dragged behind a pick up truck leaving his body trailed along the highway and then Governer BUSH didn't even meet with the man's family (they sat in his office for about 2 hours before they were told he wouldn't be coming out). Why wasn't it shamed two weeks ago when "fat Tony" in Bensonhurst beat that guy who was coming from his girlfriend's house nearly half to death ("Fat Tony" claimed he thought the guy was out to steal someone's car, I guess his 9-1-1 buttons weren't working on his phone that night)? Where was their shame then? Then, to make matters even worse, or better depending on what side of the argument you're arguing I read this:

GOP Congressman, Rep.Richard Baker of Baton Rouge was overheard telling lobbysits the following, concerning Hurricane Katrina and the damage it caused:

"We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."


What the fuck?! This is the shit I am talking about. If you go to this man's
website, the biggest thing up there is For the PEOPLE of Louisiana. Are those who live in public housing not people? I personally know people who live in public housing and no one lives there because they want to. People live there because they HAVE to.

Now, I am by no means saying that every single Black person one comes across is going to be on the straight and narrow, as people are individuals and should be treated as such. But it is just inherent bullshit like this that keeps things the way they are. This week we've PUBLICALLY heard Barbara Bush and this Baker guy say what they feel but millions of people think and feel this way, they just don't have sound bytes of their racism readily available on Fox News. It makes me angry because this is the kind of thing that keeps people from getting ahead. This is why the schools in our neighborhoods are deplorable because we are "you know underprivileged anyway so this is working out fine for them"* this is why when I apply for a job with not one, not two but four degrees and more experience at 27 then most people will have at 40, I get passed over. Because "actually it's kind of scary but everyone I'm speaking to says they want to stay in Texas"* I guess having a big black woman in the office would scare people.

*Both quotes from Barbara Bush.

What the fuck is scary about a family relocating? People do it all of the time but because an influx of Nigs want to move to your neighborhood it's scary?! I'm too angry to finish now.

It's the middle of the night, I have to go to work in the morning

and this is what I'm doing:

The Egg Game It's SOOOO addictive.