Things are getting a bit sticky

Eaten Yesterday:
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes (about 7 am)
2nd Breakfast: oatmeal (about 12)
Lunch: Bologna sandwich with chips (about 3)
Dinner: Pizza (about 7)

Hours on the phone: about 4

Resumes: 2 (I have a phone interview today)

Exercise: very little I was pretty sedentary

Bought: Nada


Well, I had this long conversation with New Guy yesterday and I think I should stop speaking to him. He is getting VERY into me and I guess I still see him as just someone to talk to and hang out with. I don't want to string him along, I don't want to make him feel hope for something that might not be. I tried explaining this all to him but he feels that if I just stop seeing Mysterious Ex and focus more energy on him and us, then my feelings will change. They probably would if I focused more energy on him but, I am not willing to let Mysterious Ex go. I will let New Guy go before I get rid of M.E. even with all of our faults. Then I have to wonder, would I be selling myself short if I do so? Yes, Mysterious Ex and I have problems, and yes, things are moving slowly in the the working it out department but, I have strong feelings for Mysterious Ex. I love him, what if I take New Guy up on his suggestion and everything is not right. What if I never find someone I connect with the way that I connect with Mysterious Ex. New Guy is nice but, he's on the surface, brand new guy nice. We get along yes but, what if I don't have the feelings for him that I have for Mysterious Ex, then what? I know that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I know that at this point, New Guy knows exactly what he wants he is very sure and aware of the type of relationship he wants and that is in total alignment with what I want but, is it enough to just want the same things? I think I need more than that. Again, I'm not sure what I should do.

On the job front, I went on an interview the other day with a private school. It's a really great position teahcing an advanced 5th grade with lots of academic freedom but, it's so far from my house. I should be called back for a second interview in about 2 weeks or so so, we'll see.

My dog Samson has a new ball and he is driving me crazy with it. A friend of mine gave it to him, it rolls around, lights up and get stuck under the couch, bed, dresser, sink, toy chest like every 20 minutes where he, instead of trying to get it, runs stands directly in front, or to the left or right of me and begins barking at full lung capacity and tempo until I lug my fat ass up to get it. God, I thought is was sweet of her when she gave it to him but now, I'm so tired of that thing. I want to hide it, I'll have to do that when he's not looking.

What Am I Doing?

Eaten so far
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Grilled Chicken, small salad, black beans, rice and tortilla MMMM!
Dinner: Left over chicken, rice, salad, and green plantanos

Hours on Phone: Less than 1 hour, I had company

Resumes: 2 but, went on an interview, was pretty positive by the end, will see

Exercise: None really

Bought: Food, and two taxi trips

So, Mysterious Ex came over and we hung out. We were supposed to go out but, I knew that he was very tired, he had been at work all day and it was late. We really just hung out in the house and half watched a few movies. I told myself I would not have sex with Mysterious Ex, I don't want sex to have an effect on what we are trying to accomplish. I feel that if things don't work out, I won't feel like so much of a slut if we break up after having sex plus, I want to know that I have these genuine thoughts and feelings, not crowded by the act of sex. But there I was, God only knows how I got there. I was laying on the bed, he was laying next to me, we were kissing, but, we've kissed with no sex before, no big deal right? All I know is he rubbed my boob and next thing I knew, I was straddling him, and penis was everywhere. As I'm up there, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?! What am I doing?! I'm going against the little talk I gave myself. No Sex, No Sex, not yet. Usually, I try to masturbate myself dry before he comes over because let's face it, he's still very cute, and I'm still horny all of the time. He realized something was wrong though and asked me, "what's wrong, you're not that into it?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, I feel so FAT!" (and I did, that's just an entirely different story from this one, I'll get to that later). So, we did not have complete sex but now, does this mean that we will be expected to have sex? I think I should just tell him I don't think we should have sex for a while. I know that he won't be upset about it, he's not that kind of guy. I think that I will talk to him about it.

So on the other side of that, I have gained weight, I know that, everyone who knows me or sits whithin earshot of me knows that I have. I mean I have always been a fat chick and very happy with who I am but admittedly, I have taken this fat thing to a whole new level. I know that sitting home day after day (I'm unemployed, what do you want?) and trying out the new cookie recipe posted on epicurious or chubby girl brigade isn't going to help but hey, I'm unemployed, I've got to have my low cost fun where I can find it. So, whilst sitting atop my beloved, I noticed a little extra thighage then normal. WTF?! where did this come from!? I know my tummy has gotten a little more giggly, so has my arms, booty and other various body parts but dammit! I thought my thighs were at capacity, and were accepting no more passengers, sadly, I was very mistaken. So, I'm on top one of our favorite positions, and as I'm jumping up and down, gyrating, all that stuff, I keep feeling this little, what can only be described as cushioning, like I had stuck two pillows under my but and thighs, "Jesus" I think, "What could that be?" then I realize, "My good, that's my f---ing thighs! WTF!" I then get very sad and get off, there's no way I'll be bouncing around with all that extra baggage in between my legs. I better get rid of these thirty pounds very quickly. Buying new clothes, I can handle but ruining my sex life? This extra fat has got to go.

So, on the other side of this fiasco. I spoke to New Guy briefly this morning. He is really upset that I didn't speak to him yesterday. I think maybe I am using him which, I don't like about myself. I am treating him the way that Mysterious Ex sometimes treats me. I will talk to him today and straighten things out between us. The thinkg is, he doesn't care if I have a boyfriend or not. Hell, I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend some times. There I go, back into that again. I'm getting depressed, think I'll go bake some cookies.

Same thing as always

Eaten today:
Breakfast: Cinnamon Rolls
Lunch: Turkey slices with ritz crackers
Dinner: Cinnamon Rolls

Hours on Phone: over 4

Resumes: 7 (I got 2 call backs today resulting in 2 interviews, that's a good thing)

Exercise: Two hours of yard work

Bought: Nothing today

Well, Mysterious Ex is definitely back to himself. Truthfully, I don't really think he ever changed, I was just excited to have heard from him and got all wrapped up in the excitement of "us". I'm not sure what I think of him. I have love for him that is to say that I do love him but, he's so weird. It doesn't really seem as though he's interested in me at all but he keeps coming back, I don't understand it. We aren't having sex and I haven't had sex with him since like before Christmas so it can't be that. I have no idea what is going on with him. He literally chases after me, calling me telling me tha the loves me and he wants ys to get back together. He talks about how much he has missed me and how he wants us to try again. I do so and then it's nothing. I don't see him, (I've only seen him once in like the last two weeks) he hardly even calls like he used to. There was a time when he called in the morning on his way to work, he called during his lunch break, he called on his way home from work and if we didn't see one another that evening, he called before he went to bed. Today, I spoke to him once this morning because I called to ask about a computer problem and then he called me about 10 o'clock this evening. I was on the phone with New Guy, making plans for today, I abruptly hung up the phone so that my answering machine would pick up and Mysterious Ex would think that I wasn't home. It's sad that I even have to play games like that. Here I am seeing another guy and not only does he not know, he's doesn't even care. I could go out with New Guy every evening and I dont' think it would make one bit of difference to him. I think that maybe our trying to get back together may have been a huge mistake. He doesn't have time for me, he doesn't make time for me, and we hardly speak. I would have always said before that he was my number one, no other guy could touch him but, that is slowly becoming so untrue now. It's sad I guess.

New Guy is really great. We had a very good conversation. We spoke for about 4 or 5 hours all night almost. I am very confused because he wants the kind of relationship that I want but, I wish I could have it with Mysterious Ex. Too bad things don't work the way you want them to just because you want them to be that way. On one hand, I don't want to have to feel this way but on the other hand, if Mysterious Ex were truly "my man" I wouldn't have time to run around with other people.

I have two job interviews this week. A very good thinf indeed. I was going to get and move since it was proving so difficutl to find a job here in NY. I would have never thought that it would have been so hard for me to get a job. I thought I entered the world so prpared for the things it may have thrown at me but, I guess I was wrong.

So, to take away the pain from the still not arrived New York Times (blast my non gentrified Brooklyn neighborhood!), I decided to make cinnamon buns. They came out very crumbly, i.e., couldn't take a whole bun out of the pan, but, quite scrumptious. So, there I am, digging cinnamon buns out of the pan, sugar, butter, and of course cinnamon dripping down my forearm when my telephone rings. It's New Guy, we had the greatest conversation about, Walmart, Target and the best way to cook a red snapper then, Mysterious Ex beeped in, this would be my ultimate test. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't click over because I didn't feel like talking to him. Wow!, Who would have ever thought this? MYSTERIOUS EX!, the guy that I have spent the last year and a half loving, breaking up and getting back together with. NO man has ever been able to touch him and EVERYONE I know knows that he gets phone precedence(sp?) with the exception of my mom of course. So, what is a girl to do? New Guy wanted to get together again even though I am supposed to see Mysterious Ex tonight. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I want to see M.E. I am not sure what I am sure of.

Damn the New York TImes!

Eaten so far today: Nothing but last night, gorged myself on Manicotti with Italian sausage, garlic bread, pepperoni roll and ice cream, God that was good, too bad I ate it all

Hours on the phone: So far, less than 30 minutes, with NY Times guy plus, it's still very early

Resumes: None, it's Sunday silly

Exercise: between running back and forth to the front door to see if my paper has arrived, I must have burned like a thousand calories

Bought: Nothing so far but, the day is still young

Why do I pay 5 dollars a week? So that I can receive an under edited 2,ooo page paper every weekend. So that when my neighbors go out to walk their dogs in the morning, they can see my bright blue plastic wrapped paper letting all who glimpse is know, Yes, I am a New York Times subscriber. I like to sit in the morning with my paper spread around me in little category piles, what I will definitely read, what I might read and what I will use as lining for the cat's litter box. But this morning I awoke and arrgh!, No New York Times. I called and politely let the rather Southern sounding gentlemen representative (which seemed a bit strange to me actually being a New Yorker and calling the New York Times) know that my paper hadn't arrived. he assured me that my paper would be out to me within the hour. Here I am an hour later and still, no paper. My morning routine is completley thrown off now. Here I am with a pot of French Vanilla Roast ready to be guzzled and no paper to accompany it, poor, poor me.

I have yet again come to a decision concerning Mysterious Ex and New Guy, this must be the third or fourth time this week. I will wait a month and see what happens with happens with the both of them. Yesterday, Mysterious Ex (under circumstances which were a bit out of his control) fell right back into his regular ways. No matter the circumstances surrounding how it came about, the result was still the same and I must say, I am more than a bit tired of it. One of the reasons we broke up earlier this year was because as I've said, it really feels as though I am a tight fit in his life. It is as if there is really no time for me, as though I am way down on the list. I don't want to out right dismiss him, since I am accused of this so much but truthfully, what else can I do? There is only so much sitting and waiting patiently a girl can do.

On the flip side, I hung out with New Guy yesterday who seems to have ample amounts of time to spend with me. I feel a bit weird being with him as though I am cheating, which I guess technically I am, though I don't want to think of it that way. To save my own ass I'll say this, it isn't as though I am blowing off my "boyfriend" (not quite sure why I felt the need to put that word in parentheses, though truthfully, it does speak volumes) he is not there, he is not available to me. I guess I have answered my own question.

I often feel as though I should let Mysterious Ex know. Tell him that I was before we got back together and continue to see someone else. I am not sure how he would react, I am not sure how things will work out between us. Sadly, I think maybe part of me likes it, the going behind his back and doing something he knows nothing about. I've never thought of myself as that kind of person but, it must be true, at least in some aspect since I continue to do this. It isn't as though I want to be deceitful, but as simply as I can put it. Mysterious Ex is not here and New Guy is but, where am I in this whole situation?

It is so cold in my house, I tried to convince Sebastian (my cat) to sit behind me in my chair to create a living hot water bottle type effect. He was with it for about a minute then meowed at me, flicked his tail at me and kindly sat on the couch opposite of where I am. I guess he has is standards. Thankfully Samson (my dog) is laying on my feet, keeping my tosies warm and licked. Well, since it is NOT raining for a nice change, I will go out and walk, try to get in a little exercise and scout around the neighborhood looking for the New York Times delivery guy, I KNOW he has to be around here somewhere.