I hate crying about things, I hate to complaing knowing that compared to many people in this world, I have a very good life but, I have to wonder sometimes, what is the purpose or the meaning of it all? I've always thought that everyone has a purpose in this world but the thing is, I'm not sure what my purpose is. I think I'm always yearning for something, reaching for something, trying to make my life better or trying to do what I think I should be doing with my life but, I'm not sure what that is. For a very long time, I had my life mapped out, I thought I would do things according to that plan but, despite how hard I worked towards it, that plan has not come into fruition. I'm not sure what my next move should be. I'm spending lots of money and time in a career I really hae absolutely no feeling for. I am so much happier than I have no business being being because school is over. I mean, I'm ELATED that I don't have to go to that sickening school even if it is only for 8 weeks. But, what am I supposed to do? I've prayed on it, asked for guidance, asked for the opinions of others but.... what? I don't know if I've given up but, I'm passionless. I hae no desire to do much of anything. Work doesn't excite me, painting doesn't excite me anymore, it's like I just don't care. I was going through the motions of trying to find a suitable partner but... I think I may give up on that too. I don't want to be a slacker, that isn't who I am but, I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return. I can honestly say that years ago, I was a fantastic teacher now, I'm being honest, I'm merely adequate and the results are the same. I have no incentive to try harder. The same goes for everything in my life. I try at relationships, they fail, I try to do something different, get myself out of this rut but, I feel I see no results. I think I might be depressed, I'm not sure. I know that this is a feeling I've had for sometime and it doesn't seem to be going away but, things are not as I want them to be, things are not as I've planned them. All of my efforts for change have not succeeded and I'm no longer sure what to do.
I'm going to post what I eat for the day again from now on. When I don't write down what I eat, I tend to eat all kinds of crap that I know is no good for me.
Breakfast: organic yogurt, 1/2 cup granola, banana, 1/2 cup peach juice
Lunch: 1 cucumber, 1 tomato, 3 tbsp. light french dressing, water
Dinner: 1 pear, 1 small peach, 1/2 cup peach juice
5 comments:
First of all, Goddess, what you're eating isn't nearly enough to sustain you and give you the energy to put up with all the crap you have to deal with, much less to be able to achieve a more positive frame of mind. I know you want to eat healthy, but eating healthy also means eating ENOUGH. You aren't eating enough!
Secondly, you are too rational to be truly depressed. You are still eloquent and able to express your doubts and your angst and try to figure out what the problem is. I'm no expert, but it doesn't sound like depression to me!
I think you are just tired and overwhelmed. You're doing so much, working toward your qualifications and spending a lot of money doing it, AND dating an endless parade of men who just aren't good enough for you. Why don't you just give yourself a break, kick back and relax? What are you doing with your vacation? have you been anywhere nice lately?
I've been through a lot of what you're talking about, the search for "purpose", etc., and I have to tell you; girl, this feeling will pass. Your purpose will find you.
I think I'm going to start writing it all down too...what I eat that is...
Hey Goddess,
It's Roslyn again! I just wanted to let you know that I give a prize every month to someone who passes by my website and leaves a note or e-mails. It's drawn at random. This month, you're it!
You've won autographed copies of my current novel, May Summer Never End, AND any other one of my books. Your choice. Drop by my book list here, http://www.scribble-scribble.com/books.htm and pick one. Then e-mail me with your address and I'll mail them to you. (That also means you'll get some cool Trinidad and Tobago stamps, if you're into that sort of thing.)
Congrats!
Roslyn
I read your entry with such familiarity. I question my purpose regularly. I have to trust that God will see me through. It's not easy, but I have to trust.
Hang in there!
(And I would have given a good tongue lashing to that grab all you can get idiot too- what is up with that? How rude. And then had the nerve to call you back. The Nerve.)
i agree with Roslyn and this is the Fitness instructor/personal trainer me saying this - you NEED to eat MORE! What you're eating is good - but you need more of it! And good protein sources (chicken, fish, soy, etc.) ;-)
i too have been searching. i know exactly how you feel. that's been me for, or say the last 6 years - no joke. still nothing found. reading 'The Purpose Driven Life' - which is getting me back in touch with GOD which is good.
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