5.08.2005

?

I spoke with Mysterious Ex this morning and it occurs to me as I am speaking to him, I don't think he is for me. The other day, I invited him to have Mother's Day dinner with me and my family at my brother's house and he says, "that sounds like a plan" but this morning his mom, who lives in Florida, suddenly makes an appearance here in NY and he is going to do something with her. Now, I realize that she is his mother and I am in no way thinking that I have precedent over her believe me but, I do find it strange that he did not say during the week, my mom is coming up for Mother's Day or she will be here for the weekend, he makes no mention of her but then suddenly she is here. He does weird things like this every so often, just strange unexplained things, hence his name, Mysterious Ex. While speaking to him this morning, it just really hit me (again) there is this constant battle between us, something that I really don't want to give much energy to anymore. There is this thing where I try to include him in my life, I make an effore for him to share things with me but I feel that he is constantly pushing me away or rather, that he is not even attempting to include me in his life. There are times when I feel that he is giving me great effort, when I feel that things could work between us and all could be well, but then, I get this type of thing where I feel as though I am continuosly on the outside, where I feel that I am always trying so hard to be apart of him and that is something that I am no longer going to do. I don't feel as though I should be at war with him. If he wants me to be apart of him and his life then this should come easy, it should just be. But, it isn't that way, I don't think it will be and I am not going to try to make it that way. In short, I give up, I will not try, it will from now on be all on him so, I think that we are over.

No comments: