Wow

I had yet another stimulating conversation with New Guy last night and he tells me,

"I know that your relationship with Mysterious Ex is deep. I know that you love and care for him and I am sure he thinks he loves you" (New Guy can be a little jabbing and sarcastic toward M.E. sometimes) "and if my intentions were anything but true I would back off. I am not trying to woo you to make you my play thing or girlfriend or anything foolish like that. M.E. had over a year with you, if he hasn't gotten himself together as of yet and realized the kind of woman you are and the greatness you can bring to a relationship then he is a fool. My intentions towards you are to try to get you, you call it wooing, I call it the start of my family, my intentions towards you result in marriage and family."

I didn't know what to say. The best I could get out was a less than enthusiastic "Okay" I mean, what do I say to that? I love that he said it, I am flattered, I am happy but deep down somewhere, I wanted that to come from you know who. He suggested that I not talk to Mysterious Ex for like a week. He tells me in that time, I will forget about him. He also said I am so used to being with M.E. that I have come to expect that he is what I deserve when according to him, that is far from true. He then invited me to go on vacation with him next month. He said he would make reservations for me and Samson. I agreed to have dinner with him tonight but even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I spoke to my cousin T and she tells me, that I should go out with New Guy. She tells me to stop it with M.E., this back and forth, trying to make things work, she tells me to get myself out of this rut.

Between the ages of 18 and 23, I was involved in this relationship with this guy (who I have rather affectionately refered to as Fat Bastard ever since) that I loved so much, I once fell out of a chair and cried naked on the floor for over an hour after he told me he had been sleeping with another girl. (I also laid in bed for ten days and did NOTHING but drink pepsi after we REALLY broke up, but that's another story). During the relationship, I thought there were things that could have been helped or changed or saved. I even agreed to marry this guy and had our children's names picked out and everything. When it all finally ended, it took me like a year to get over him and GOD, it hurt like hell. When I was finally over him and away from the hurt long enough I remember thinking, my goodness, what did I ever see in him? He was unambitious (if that is a word), he's insensitive, incompassionate, I remember one time he kicked a cat, he cheated on me, called me stuck up, exclaimed loudly one day in front of his friends that he didn't like going out with me because I "speak like a stuck up white girl" (he meant that to be derogatory), he was rather ghetto, not quite stupid but against learning new things, among a host of other crap. Is this where I am with Mysterious Ex? I mean, not that I am comparing M.E. to him per se but, I thought I had grown. On the surface, Mysterious Ex is a far better choice. He's well educated, ambitious (very much so), he has a great job which he loves, he's sensitive, he's supportive of me and not threatened by me, he's very intelligent, we have great conversations, he's funny, sweet, he has all of these great qualities but something is wrong with us, though I don't want to admit it, it's true. If he is so good, why are "we" so hard? Am I in a place where I am just so stuck on him that I can't see anything else? We connect but, there is something wrong. I told T the other day that I feel like a version of myself around M.E., there are certain things I won't say, there are certain things I won't do, it isn't as though I think, I'm not going to do this that or the other, or even as though I think he won't approve, I just don't do certain things. Why am I censoring myself? Why do I do that?

The other thng is this. Mysterious Ex was engaged before we got together and this girl, at least according to him, screwed him over pretty bad. She was cheating on him and a lot of people he knew, knew about it though no one really told him and she made things between them seem the same as it had always been. She hurt him really bad, I know what's that like as does half the world, we've all been there. Some of us are able to recover better than others, M.E. was one of those people who has taken a long time to get over it. He still has lots of issues stemming from that relationship. I don't want to screw him over again. I love him so I am conscious of the ramifications my actions will have on him. I don't want to just toss his feelings aside. I feel that by continuing this thing with New Guy, that is exactly what I am doing. I mean fine, he doesn't haven't to know now, which I do feel horribly about but, what if this grows into something bigger, what if I fall in love with New Guy? Do I just go, sorry M.E., things like this happen, good luck?. I know that my feelings come before anyone else's, I know that I have to be happy above all others but, I am not willing to cause him pain for my happiness. That is too selfish a move for me, I am not that person so, do I tell him now? Do we have this conversation? I'm not ready for that either. I feel that I am paralyzed by fear, something I don't want to own up to. I fear what will happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue seeing New Guy, I fear what WON'T happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue this relationship with him alone. I don't fear being alone, but, I do fear hurting people unnecessarily. I don't want to hurt New Guy or Myserious Ex but most importantly, I don't want to hurt myself.