Eaten Today
Breakfast: Egg and Bacon on a roll and coffee
Dinner: Caesar salad and iced tea

Hours on the Phone: about 1

Resumes: 6

Exercise: Not much today

Bought: a sympathy card


Death is a sad thing. I feel bad about saying mean things about E's family earlier. I mean, they are the people I said they were but, this was a really big blow to them. I felt expecially bad for her mom since she lost a child. It was a really hard thing.

I told E I would call her over the weekend. I don't mind being there for her through this ordeal, I hope that I can be a good friend to her.

Being at the wake today made me think of things greatly. E's sister was rather young, only in her mid forties. I haven't spoken to E in nearly three years and in that time, she has gotten a divorce and has the most beautiful daughter and I think that my life is seemingly the same. On the one hand, not really because my job situation is different, I've grown as a person but my personal life seems very much the same. Three years ago, I was involved with this crazy guy, upset with the way our relationship was going, upset with my love life. Right now, I feel the same. My personal life is not where I want it would be or where I thought it would be. Mind you, I never really have expectations on where I think I should specifically be but, I would think that at my age, I could say I am involved in an adult relationship looking towards something more than possibly being someone's girlfriend.

Last night, I had this conversation with New Guy. He thinks that if we spend more time together, that we would definitely be on the marriage track. He's a great person, if hypothetically we were to get together on that level, I'm sure he would make a good partner and co-parent. Do I see that with him as of yet? I'm not sure. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I dn't allow myself to see him that way. I think that I have to push myself forward. I am safely staying in this place where I don't have to push myself out of where I am, like I am afraid to move. I think that this whole thing with Mysterious Ex is comfortable to me because I know what to expect from him, our relationship no matter how bad, has a certain pattern that I am accustomed to. I think that is sad but, it is the truth. I have to make myself break out of the pattern I have set myself into. I think that most definitely entails letting Mysterious Ex go. Whether or not I am ready to do that is another story though, I know it is probably best for me. I think to myself, you're a smart girl, you know what is good for you and what is not but, my heart as so much more say in this decision than my logical brain. I know that it will hurt but no matter how screwed up we are, I like being with him, I don't really know what that's about and I don't think I like it very much.