So, I went on a date

I went on a date this weekend. I haven't been on a date since M.E. and I broke up in April. I met this guy, he and I had a decent amount of conversation. Normally, I don't go out with someone until I've spoken with them for about a week but, my cousin T said "get your fat ass out the house" (she said it with as much love and caring as she could muster). So, I went out with James. I met him one night when T dragged me out of the house. He's 33, single, no children, has a small apartment in the Stuy and works for transit. He seemed nice enough so I fughred what the hell.

It was a rather warm night so, I wore a black vintage wrap dress, just a peek of cleavage with that dress, and my black peep toe pumps. I took my big flowered russian wrap just in case and wore my hair up with my big red rose. I think I was cute. So, he picked me up and went to this rather dinky restaurant. Clue #1 that things were not going to go well: He was a bit rude to our waiter. I didn't like that at all. But, I realize more and more in this world that not everyone is raised the same nor behaves in the same manner, I didn't like it, but, I didn't say anything either, my bad. Clue#2 that things weren't going to go well: When it came time to pay our 50 dollar bill (it was a rinky dink place), he took out his entire pay check. There were 20s, 100s, it was just dumb. I'm not sure why he did that. Maybe he thought I was hard up and impressed by his dough. Maybe he thought I was 15 and the sight of a 100 dollar bill would get my panties wet, not quite sure what that was about. He generally seemed to be a nice guy. We had decent conversation at the very least. So, we left there and he asked if I wanted to go to the South Street Seaport which I thought was really cute when I was a teenager, obviously since this was his idea of a great date and my cousin's voice in my head kept telling me (don't be so judgemental, loosen up, stop being so quick to judge), I obliged. So, we spoke about web design and how he wanted to own his own business one day, all good stuff. He was funny, nice, I thought to myself, maybe we'll go out again, he's a bit rough around the edges but generally nice. So, he brought me home and walked me to my door. I shook his hand, thanked him for dinner and a nice evening and he asked, "Is that all I get?" So, I went in to hug him and give him a kiss on his cheek, and simultaneously both of his hands were in my dress. One went down towards my boobs, the other went up toward my extra girly parts. I pulled myself away from him and screamed at him, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU ON CRACK?!" which was the best I could come up with at the moment. He then kind of chuckled and asked "should we take it inside?" I just kind of looked at him because though this was not funny, I SWORE, he had to be joking. It was like, surreal. He then went on to tell me that I was too uptight and he left. THEN, he called the next day and left me a message saying HE wasn't going to see ME any more because his last girlfriend "got down" (his EXACT words) the same night they met and that I would NEVER get a man acting the way I act. It was shocking/funny/strange/sad. A few years ago, I went out with this guy like three times or so and he wanted to screw me, I told him something to the effect of "I don't even know you, we just met". I remember him saying something like " well, I can't date you because I like to have sex and that obviously is something you don't like to do". So then it made think, are women in general whorish? Or are fat girls expecting to be more whore-y as compared to our thinner counterparts? I mean, I probably know the anwer to this because I've dated many guys who weren't trying to scre me on the first night and believe me, I've dated many more men then I've had sex with so it's obvious that they all werent' expecting me to screw them but, were did this N---a get the idea that a 12 dollar plate of salmon was enough to get into my extra girly parts?

Waaaaah!

I hate crying about things, I hate to complaing knowing that compared to many people in this world, I have a very good life but, I have to wonder sometimes, what is the purpose or the meaning of it all? I've always thought that everyone has a purpose in this world but the thing is, I'm not sure what my purpose is. I think I'm always yearning for something, reaching for something, trying to make my life better or trying to do what I think I should be doing with my life but, I'm not sure what that is. For a very long time, I had my life mapped out, I thought I would do things according to that plan but, despite how hard I worked towards it, that plan has not come into fruition. I'm not sure what my next move should be. I'm spending lots of money and time in a career I really hae absolutely no feeling for. I am so much happier than I have no business being being because school is over. I mean, I'm ELATED that I don't have to go to that sickening school even if it is only for 8 weeks. But, what am I supposed to do? I've prayed on it, asked for guidance, asked for the opinions of others but.... what? I don't know if I've given up but, I'm passionless. I hae no desire to do much of anything. Work doesn't excite me, painting doesn't excite me anymore, it's like I just don't care. I was going through the motions of trying to find a suitable partner but... I think I may give up on that too. I don't want to be a slacker, that isn't who I am but, I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return. I can honestly say that years ago, I was a fantastic teacher now, I'm being honest, I'm merely adequate and the results are the same. I have no incentive to try harder. The same goes for everything in my life. I try at relationships, they fail, I try to do something different, get myself out of this rut but, I feel I see no results. I think I might be depressed, I'm not sure. I know that this is a feeling I've had for sometime and it doesn't seem to be going away but, things are not as I want them to be, things are not as I've planned them. All of my efforts for change have not succeeded and I'm no longer sure what to do.



I'm going to post what I eat for the day again from now on. When I don't write down what I eat, I tend to eat all kinds of crap that I know is no good for me.

Breakfast: organic yogurt, 1/2 cup granola, banana, 1/2 cup peach juice
Lunch: 1 cucumber, 1 tomato, 3 tbsp. light french dressing, water
Dinner: 1 pear, 1 small peach, 1/2 cup peach juice

So

It's muggy as crap out today. I'm home becuase my house looks an ever loving mess. So far, I've cleaned my upstairs living room, rearranged some furniture in there, scrubbed my floors, got down on all fours and scrubbed my tatami mats



which definitely was a pain in the butt. I washed four loads of clothes, put away two (I have too many clothes, when everything is clean, I have no where to put everything). I still have to clean my yoga/sewing/painting room, clean my bedroom, bathrooms, kitchen and downstairs living room. I estimate I'll be finished by 12 or so tonight.

I took my twists out but didn't wash my hair so, I'll have to do that before I go to bed too and sometime before Wednesday, I'm going to have to give Sam a bath because he looks a mess, poor Sam.

So, since I slacked off of my diet again, shame on me, I've decided to do one of those Bally 30 day crash diet, go to the gym 6 day a week programs to see how much weight I will lose. I know it's cheating and it probably isn't the best thing in the world to do but, ah well, I'm lazy. Luckily, I've only gained back three of the 27 pounds I did lose so, not so bad. However, I don't feel right, not sure how to phrase it but, my body feels soft or jiggly, I don't feel as tight as I am used to feeling. Admittedly, I haven't been doing ANY exercise and other than going to work, I haven't been going out a lot lately because, I was saving money for all of those classes I am taking this summer. I can't spend money and save it so, I've been wathcing a lot of cable, reading, gardening, all of that nice cheap stuff.






The fruits, or rather cucumbers and tomatoes of my labor (which technically are fruit so I guess the original was okay).

I was watching television as I folded clothes and lo and behold, the International Rock Paper Sciossors Championship was on. Remember that game as a kid, rock, paper, sciccors said shoot? Well, there is a championship game for it and get this, the winner wins $50,000. That is crazy. There isn't any strategy involved in playing, it's all a gam of chance but, it pretty funny I guess. I watched like ten minutes of it thinking it was a gag or a spoof but when I went to look it up on line, it was there Rock Paper Scissors Championship

Everything is regular, nothing exciting or too new going on.

June

Ah, it's June. The end of school and Pride Month. Normally around this time of year, I am very excited becasue it is getting closer to the time where I can sit around for nine weeks straight doing nothing. However, this June is bittersweet. Yes, the school year is winding down, yes I still have nine weeks where potentially I could be sitting around doing nothing but, this summer, like last summer, I will be taking classes so for 8 of my nine weeks off, I will be in hot, boring classrooms trying desperately to become a principal so that I can triple my salary. My classes are SOOOOOO expensive. I had to register for the classes and was so angry writing out that huge check for almost all of my hard earned money. Good news, in about three years like I said, I'll triple my salary so, I'll hopefully be able to make all of that back.

I'm finding more and more that I'm not really digging New York anymore. Of course I like the culture, museums and theater, shopping and, it's cool that I can go anywhere in the city at anytime of the day and get a cheeseburger but, this whole scene just isn't me anymore. As I'm geting older, I'm more interested in property, and with shit like 3 bedroom 1200 square foot apartments going for a million dollars in Brooklyn, it's time for this chick to get out of dodge. I'm thinking of going somewhere slower but still a bit cultured, Asheville, NC seems like a nice place. I'll probably take a trip down there within the year just to see what's going down.

I decided to try internet dating. It was something I'd never really done before but I decided to give it a try. Though I didn't go out with anyone, I did meet a few guys and seriously, I wasn't impressed. It's just as bad as real life dating. here are a few guys that I met.

E: E is 42 years old, I bit old but okay, I"m trying to get past that whole, the guys MUST be this, this, this thing so I figure okay, I'll see. This man is 42 as I've stated but, he lives at home with his parents. He told me he was married twice and he and his second wife divorced because and I quote, "she didn't want to help me with my career". When I asked what that meant, he told me he was a musician, he was goig to be a musician until he died (or starved to death by my assumptions) she wanted him to get a "real" career. I'm like dude, you live with your parents and you're 42! Don't you WANT a "REAL" career? Don't you WANT to do those things? Needless to say, I told him I didn't think we were compatible. He asked me what I meant by that, I didn't want to be mean to him so I said, "I'm going to date other people, I'm not ready for the kind of relationship you're looking for". Could you imagine? If I knew I had nothing to offer, especially being a man, I wouldn't dare try to talk to some woman, just plain trifling.

B: B is 38 had a decent job and owned his own apartment. He and I had really great conversations about 4 times then, he told me "I really dug Uma Thurman":



I don't look NUTHIN' like that broad. So I asked him, did you see my pictures? You contacted me, I don't look like her AT ALL. He responds, "yeah, but you're great". Maybe I was being childish but the old, "I don't think we're compatible" line came out. Then that was over.

K: K is 36 years old, he has a 14 year old son, owned his own home. We exchanged a few e mails, he asked me for my number, we exchanged numbers then, he called my phone about twelve times in a row. Just called and didn't say anything when I answered. At first, I thought he was just having phone trouble but, when I told him I was going to turn his phone number in to the police, he stopped calling.


J: J is 32 I think, seemed really nice, we exchanged email for about 3 weeks, then he told me he wasn't 5'10 like he put on his page, he was actually 5'2" and being the vain amazon I am, I doled out the "I dont' think we're compatible" speech. Ah well.

G: Is the last one, we haven't really communicated but never the less, I decided to pull my on line dating ad. It really just isn't worth it to me, very silly.

So along with the end of the year comes all sorts of fun and games at my school. In addition to doing report cards (which are a pain in the butt), I'm preparing my students for a punchball competition (baseball without a bat) and a cheerleading competition I'm also holding my annual pajama party where we all wear pajamas, eat junk food and watch movies and play games in class. I'm also cleaning out my classroom because, I'm going back to elementary in September. That's all I guess.

A picture of my dad.

Not a lot at all has been going on

Basically, for the past two weeks or so, things have been pretty whatever. I don't feel as sad as I did before, my friend T and I had a great talk and so that helped a lot. I've been concentrating on work, school will be out in about a month or so and then I start classes once again, let me correct that, I start those expensive al all hell classes once again. Not really looking forward to taking them, but, it is a necessary evil I guess. I met this guy or rather man last week named John (I'm using his real name because he won't ever read this, we didn't know one another for very long). He and I had two really great phone conversations and we were talking about the possibility of going on a date. Basic statistics about him: He's 39, is a truck driver, owns a condo in Harlem, never married, no children, and from our conversation, seemed pretty intelligent. Then, on the night of our second conversation, he asks me, "Do you smoke weed?" my answer was "no". He asked if I hung around people who smoked weed, I told him that one of my friends did and I of course didn't have a problem with her doing so but she doesn't do so when she is in my house, and when I visit her, I usually go in her bedroom while she smokes. I just personally don't like smoke in almost any form, it makes me feel sick, this includes car exhaust, barbecue smoke, all of that. He then tells me he didn't think he and I would be compatible because he has "friends" who like to smoke weed and he can't be around a woman who doesn't like to be around that type of behavior. I was kind of like, "wow, okay" because at first, I thought it was kind of silly/strange/weird but after reading Donna's post on the subject of identifying a weed head, it was all good. Thanks Donna!

While playing around on line the other day, I came across a video of Mysterious Ex doing a presentation for his company's latest product and of course like any crazy person would, I watched it like five times then went to bed crying. I missed him for like two days and contemplated calling him until I made myself remember why I broke things off with him to begin with.

So, I've gotten back on my diet, (blah), I've registered for my expensive as all hell classes over the summer and I'm actively searching for the future Mr. Noir, I just hope I can stay on track.

I feel as though my life is off track or something. Not quite sure how to place my finger on it but truthfully, I thought I'd be living a much different life from the one I'm living now. I hate complaining because I feel guilty about it. I know far worse things could be occurring in my life. I know the mulititude of things that are occurring in other people's lives but, I feel unfufilled?, unsure?, maybe unhappy?, ot sure quite how to describe it. I'd honestly have to say that in my adult life, all 7 years of it, I think I was happiest when I was working for myself so, I think that is something I'd like to do again. It is very hard work but, I was very happy, even when I wasn't making goodobs of money. I'm not sure if I'm going to get back into the same field or try my hand at something different but, I think that is the path I am going to go down again.

I'm very excited because, my tumor seems to have shrunk. I haven't had the constant pain in my uterus for like the past month. Prior to this, I've always had this dull achy pain, it was there for about a year, give or take a little but, noticing the pain had subsided, I had an ultrasound last week and woo hoo! tumor is smaller. Not really sure why it is, at this point, I really don't care.


Here are my goals for the end of this year.

#1 Finish credits for becoming an elementary school prinicipal
#2 Be back to "normal" weight
#3 Research and develop a business plan
#4 Find good dating partner who is good husband material

Seems simple enough I guess

I lied to my ex. He called me a while back to apologize to me for the things he did to me during our relationship ad I lied to him, I told him I was married because I didn't want him to have the impression that I was still some sad sack pining away for him after all of these years that we have been apart but now, I kind of have to keep up the lie. He mailed me and said he wanted to speak to me and so I called him and he askes how's your husband? what does he do?, etc., all of these questions that I answered ad ow I feel terrible because I have created this HUGE lie that I have to keep up. IT is much bigger than I ever wanted it to be and it has gotten way out of proportion but, I don't know what to do.

Rant!

I have been very upset thesee last few days. I think I've been feeling this for a while. I'm normally not a depressing person and really don't like my current mindset.

I HATE my job. It's not the children or particularly the place I work, it's the current state of education in general and its effect on my career. When I began teaching 7 years ago (something I thought would be temporary I might add), I loved what I did. I was good at it, I worked hard at it. It was something I enjoyed. Now, schools no longer exist to educate children. They have become test taking mills. Teachers have become babysitters and robots who all teach the same lessons from the same script at the same time of day. There is no true educating of children, it is getting them prepared for this or that test. My day has gone from the developing and strengthening of young minds to 3 hours of reading, 2 hours of math and an occassional period of science or social studies. There is no geography, no phonics, no creative writing, no music, art or even gym. It is learn to pass this test, pass that test. It is disgusting. Originally I thought I would become a principal and try to change things at least in the school I would be leading but truthfully, my heart is no longer there. I couldn't care less about what I do anymore. I simply don't care. Am I happy about this, not at all but, these are my feelings despite this. I would LOVE to open a bookstore or a cafe but truthfully, I am realistic about such a venture. I know that it takes capital which I do not have to start something like that. I know how difficult it is to even venture into that type of undertaking. I know that at this point in my life, I am not willing to take something like that on. I know that I fell defeated in many aspects. Even teaching in and of itseelf is my "safety" or fallback career. It is not what I started out in the world to do even though I do very well at it. I have allowed it take up much more of my time that I ever thought it would. When I ran my own business, that was optimum to me. I was very happy with what I was doing. I want to get back into that. So, what am I going to do? I'm not sure. This summer in order to keep advancing (make more money) I am going to take five classes and two tests. This will set me back another seven thousand dollars. I know it is an investment into myself but, I don't know if I want to invest into this career any longer.

I am on vacation

for the next week or so. Sadly, my favorite part of being a teacher as of late as been all of the vacation time I get. I had big plans for yesterday. I was to wash three loads of clothes, mop ALL of my floors (since I have a tendency to bypass the rooms I don't use and therefore don't see). Dust EVERYTHING in the house. fix one of my curtain rods which looks like its about to fall straight onto my head, and of course, clean my bathrooms. Instead, I managed to eat, lay down, watch an old movie, eat some more, sleep, watch half of an old movie, take a really long nap, eat, watch half of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka", take my extensions out and then sleep again. Ah well, another day in my life wasted. This morning though, I woke up early and have thus far washed two loads of clothes (the third is washing as I write this), put away all of the "should I wear this" clothes that seem to accumulate over the weekend and sweep all of my floors in preparation for the massive mopping. It's only 8 a.m. so, if I pull myself away from the computer, I should have a pretty good start to my day.

I've been on ebay buying up a storm. I've alwyas loved ebay but, I've been getting the most beautiful fabric for a FRACTION of the cost I would in a fabric shop. I bought 6 yards of this beautiful black silk with small outlines of gold leaves embroidered in the materia (much more pretty than it sounds) for 17 dollars, shipping included. I got 6 yards of another gorgeous fabric for 15 dollars with shipping included. And, I've got my eye on this silk salmon colored fabric which is only 1.35 a yard, ah, I almost can't take it.

I spoke to Mysterious Ex last week and he askend if he could see me. Itold him no and he got so angry at me, he told me that he wasn't going to speak to me anymore whichwas kind of funny when I reminded him I wasn't talking to him anyway. When he does things like that, it remids me of how selfish and childish he can be. I guess everyone has their faults but sometimes his seem so great, so undesireable.

This weekend was cool I guess. My nieces chose the menu for Easter dinner so I wound up making a HUGE pan of lasagna, three baked chickens, garlic bread, a big salad, banana pudding, red velvet cake and a pineapple upside down cake. I was tired after making all of that that while everyone chattered away, I laid on the couch and took a nap, right in the middle of all of the loudness that was my house. My dress came out great though, I underestimated how much material I would need for such a full skirt so it was more of a pencil skirt than a big flare circle skirt but, still cute. I got on the scale yesterday and I have gained 6 pounds so, I'm starting my strict diet again. I went partially off it for a while, littering my good eating with candies and turkey burgers and did not work out AT ALL. I'm hoping I have the same success with losing weight as quickly as I did earlier this year.

Life has been unusually boring

and I haven't had much to say. I went to a very posh party with my cousin T this weekend. It was cool, it's always nice to be in a room full of cool upwardly mobile young Black folk, I don't know how to explain it, but, there always seems to be this energy. Had brounch with that guy last week and spoke to him a few times this week but, he has three children (I did not know that) so, I won't be going out with him again. He's cool though, we'll probably remain friends but, nothing more than that. I've decided to sew my Easter dress this year though I don't go to church or anything. The Heavenly One always likes to have Easter dinner as a family and since I displyed such culinary prowess for XMas, I have been asked to host this year's Easter dinner as well. Mind you, I haven't sewed in nearly 5 years but, I think I remember the hang of it. I bought a navy blue dupioni silk floral print for the skirt half, a cream colored dupioni silk for the bodice and navy solid dupioni for the bolero. I think it should come out well, at least I'm hoping it does. I plan on doing this style, which is a pattern from the late '40s/early 50's (my favorite era for clothing) though, I never use patterns, I make my own. The skirt and bodice will be like this:



and the bolero will be like this:

Despite all of my staying

in the house and my "bah humbugish" attitude, I've been having a pretty decent, if not conventional week. I have tomorrow off (love the NYC Dept. of ED!) so I have a three day weekend ahead. The weather hasn't been too bad this week, so, I've been wearing really great outfits, been feeling quasi okay. This weekend, my Cousin T has vowed to keep me OUT of the house so, tomorrow, which she took off since I am off, we are going shopping, then to lunch then I guess to a movie. I NEVER go to the movies unless they are independent or I REALLY, REALLY want to see them (they look EXCEPTIONALLY good). "Regular" movies usually aren't that good and I get angry for having spent 12 dollars on some dumb hour and a half long movie. She'll spend the night with me, and then the next day, we're supposed to go to MOMA and then to her God daughter's birthday party. We'll go out to dinner afterwards. On Sunday, I'm supposed to have brunch with this guy that I've been telling I'm going to have brunch with for like weeks and since this weekend seems to be the mark of the end of my self imposed hibernation, I figured, what the hell, I'll go.

The school I interviewed with last week sent me tis huge package asking all of these questions (8 in all) that they want me to return to them by next week. The 8 questions have to be answered essay style and have to be more than 600 words but less than 800. It's quite irritating and I'm not looking forward to doing them. One part of me says to not even answer the questions, I think they may not hire me and I reallly don't want to spend hours and hours doing something for no reason but, the other side of me is like, just do it, you never know right?

I stopped speaking to Mysterious Ex about a week ago. I told him I didn't think our speaking to one another was beneficial to either of us. I love M.E. but I think I've come to the realization (for like the 50th time), that he and I just can't be together. Though we have this attraction to one another, not just physically but we are "at home" with one another, he's so wrapped up in everything else to be in the kind of relationship I am looking for. On the one hand, he says, as he always says, he wants us to be together and like I've said many times, on paper, he's exceptional but in the flesh, things just don't pan out for us. He's always off doing this that and the other and yes, I'm supportive of his desire to do so much for his financial life but, where does that leave "us"? So, once again, for like the 7th time in three years, we are not speaking. He tells me "we can't stay apart, you know we'll be together" and, I don't have an answer for him. I know that what I want and what he is offering right now isn't getting it so, I have to once again tell him goodbye. It hurts a bit but, that's reality.

I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, not really sure why. I haven't been hungry but, I managed to gain three pounds. How'd that happen? I'm not really sure.

I went on an interview yesterday for an assistant principal position. It's a position where I would work as a teacher for two years and then transition to a principal's position by year three. Anyway, there were two women I had to meet with. One was impressed with my resume and the things I've done as a teacher, running my own business, etc. The other said, and I QUOTE she thought my teaching style may be a "little touchy feely because I ran an afterschool Yoga program". I mean, is that not the dumbest thing anyone has ever heard? Because I ran an AFTERSCHOOL program where I taught Yoga, I'm a softie in the classroom? Where do those two things even meet? Also on my resume were the fact that I work with academically (by at least two years) delayed students, many who have emotional and behavioral problems, the fact that I have created alternative route education paths for children who have a difficult time learning "conventionally" and the fact that throughout my career, I have been used as a "miracle teacher" (a teacher who gets pulled out of her current assignment to go into another classroom and fix the mess some other teacher has created or not been able to handle), all of that was bypassed because Oh my God! I'mve taught Yoga! So stupid.

I've mostly been going to work and just going home though, I did go to the Harlem Tea Room this weekend, that was pretty nice. My cousin T says that I should get out more, I'm turning myself into a hermit but, I just haven't felt like it. If I didn't have to go to work, I wouldn't go. I just feel like I need to straighten some things out. I'm not sure right now how I'm going to go about doing that, but, for now, I feel I just want to hang in the cut.

Good Day Thus Far

Didn't go to work today. When I woke up, it was cold, windy and rainy. I heard the wind, reached my hand from under the covers for the phone, called into work to take a personal day and have had the most wonderful day of hanging around doing nothing. I took a loooong shower, redid my hair, went off my diet and had chocolate chip pancackes and took a two hour nap. Wonderful.

My hero for the day is little Autumn Ashante who is spitting fire on a level most adults wouldn't even understand. Autumn recited a poem in school called "White Nationalism Put U In Bondage" in this poem, which I wish I had in it's entirety, she basically compares Colombus ad Darwin to vampires and pirates and she asks little Black children to recite a "Black Child's Pledge", which is basically a oath of responsibility and Black pride. I LOVE this kid, I LOVE her parents. Of course, people were offended because when children who were not children of color stood to take the pledge, she told them to sit down. She has since been banned from EVER performing in her school DISTRICT, (not just the school) for basically, offending white people. Now, I've been called prejudiced and, I'm not going to say I'm not, (I haven't had the greatest experiences) but with things like this and this,still in existence, and going stronger than almost ever I might add, is all of this hoopla necessary, over a little Black girl who has NO power? Really?


See the pot call the kettle black...

why do the man treat the people bad
and just expect them not to be mad?....

And you call me a savage, uncivilized
When its you who made lynching a way of life
And you don't want me to be mad
Well I say to you too bad
I'm a product of my environment...

Lyrics from Donnie's WildLife

Kind of Sad, but what great television there was last night

On his way to my house Saturday morning, Mysterious Ex got into a car accident. I went to meet him, he's okay but, his truck will be out of commission for a while. So yesterday, I slept until 2 in the afternoon! What the crap is THAT about? Very strange. I was kind of bummed out for much of the day, I was very sleepy (I sleep a lot when I'm unhappy), I spoke on the phone for most of the day so that I could keep my mind off my sadness, it was just a general blah day. Then, 8 o'clock came and it was a mini television marathon for me. First, I watched The Simpsons, which is actually one of my favorite shows but I don't watch too often, that was a pretty good episode. Then, it was back to back tv goodness which was great for me, since I didn't want to have to think about crap. The Sopranos was pretty good (even though it took a year and a half to see some new episodes). The L Word was also pretty goood even though I feel bad for the actress who played Dana who now needs to get a new job. Then of course, I HAD to watch The Flavor of Love which really wasn't a surprise but fun to see anyway. Then, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, woke up late this morning, but still managed to get to work on time. I have a last period prep which basically means I am free until dismissal time. I was thinking of sneaking out but, I think I'll just grade some papers.

Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.

For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.

Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.

I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.

My Sister What is Up?

Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.

One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.

The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?

As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.

Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie



Cloud Nine

"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".

"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".

"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."

"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."

Meal Post

Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.

Breakfast:

6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola

Snack

4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes

Lunch

Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing

2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix

20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade


Snack

2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple

Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)

a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit

Wow, Again.

I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.

Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.

Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.

So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Wow

I almost can't believe it. The other day, my ex boyfriend who I haven't spoken to in five years called THO. He left her his info and asked that I call him. I didn't call him for days because I was thinking, "What does HE want?" "What is THIS about?" I called him and he apologized. Apologized for all of the things he did to me while we were together, apologized for the way he treated me, apologized for eing such an asshole. It was unbelievable. Still, right now, it all seems so surreal. It's just weird I guess, strange to think that I spoke to him, stranger still that he apologized because years ago, he was NOT that type of person. I guess stranger things have happened.

He and I exchanged email addresses and already, he has mailed me. He wants to know, without any pressure, if he and I could be friends and possiblyturn that into "more". Again, it is such a strange situation that I don't know how I feel about it exactly. I think one of the thngs I'm thinking is "why can't this be Mysterious Ex?" I know I have to stop that, I know I shouldn't do that but, I can't help it. A man I haven't spoken to, seen or heard from in FIVE YEARS jumps up one day and says "I love you, I think you're great, I want to be with you". Just like that, throws his heart on the line and M.E. who says he loves me more than this and that, he wants me and feels I am the ying to his yang son't nudge at all. It's like, at this point, do I just give in, date M.E. or even this old boyfriend? But, Goddess I don't want to sound whiny, but, those are not the people I want. Why are things this way? Why is everything so complicated?

So cool

While reading Donna's blog Creamy Crack, I read a comment by LDB Living on Purpose, where I saw a mention of Inspire Me Thursday which led me to post this self portrait. My major in undergrad was Fine Arts/Graphic Design and one of my Masters is in Graphic Design. I paint and create every so often, but this, is cool.

I used colored pencils on black illustration board because it's fast and I'm a bit sleepy.

Well

I went out with MD (really nice church guy) yesterday and he really is nice. He's smart, tall, good looking, funny, sweet, gentlemanly. So, why am I not that "into" him? Then I remember, he's just so churchy. Everything is god this and god that. Let's pray before we eat a french fry, let's pray before we cross the street. Though he's nice, I know there isn't anyway that he and I could ever REALLY have a relationship becuase in a word, I'm a heathen. Most black folks LOVE their god, and while I personally don't find anything wrong with that, organized religion of almost any form, and christianity in particular (which I personally view as a white male chauvanistic entitiy which down plays the role of women in biblical history and uses a badly re-written text which omits or plain changes many of the facts and the color and ethnicity of it's main character) just doesn't sit well with me. MD, I think, thinks that I am on the verge of being holy. Like "she just needs a good man and a baby then she'll go to church" kind of thing. But church, religion and what it stands for (taking poor folks money) just isn't my thing. So, I doubt that anything will come into fruition between MD and I because nothing will definitely come into fruition with me and his beloved church.

Lost 27 pounds thus far which has been VERY encouraging. Thus far, I've lost 4 inches off my waist, two off my upper arms, 1 off my thighs (I have THUNDER thighs, but, I say that with love) 2 inches off my calves and I think 3 or 4 off my hips, don't remember. Today, I put on a pair of yoga pants, which I love, they are my favorite "hanging around the house, not leaving a 5 block radius around the house" type pants. And what? They were TOO BIG. They hung way down on my hips, were too big in my thighs and actually dragged on the floor. I should still work out though, and much more than just walking. My stomach, thighs and butt look good but, my upper arms are getting flabby, I notice the difference. But my lazy ass, instead of thinking of the bicep and tricep curls that I SHOULD be doing, and can do because I have a friggin' Total Gym Platinum as well as numerous free weights in the house, just decided that I wouldn't wear anything sleeveless for a while (it's winter anyway, right?). So, only 43 more ponds to go. Doesn't seem as bas as that 70 I had to tackle a few weeks back.

I wore an afro puff piece yesterday and so now, I am trying to figure out what I should do with my hair. I really don't have any plans for tomorrow, and my nieces called and asked if they could stay over Saturday night (not sure about that yet) so, I want to get my hair done between tonight and tomorrow. I still am not used to my hair being this short. Today, as I walked around the house, I kept shocking myself because everytime I look in a mirror (and for some reason, I seem to have a lot of mirrors around the house), I see this short bushy haired chick who kind of looks like me, but not quite. It's very strange. I was going to attempt some tiny two strand twists just to see how they look, my dumb ass actually measured my hair and after the trim I gave myself the other day, I have about 3.25 inches of hair on my head, a bit of a shocker but, that's reality. However, I must say I'm LOVING my hair, I had my hands in it for most of the day. It' SO thick, and SO curly, I am never, ever, ever, never going back to the perm. While visiting The Heavenly One (mom, who uses no chemicals) I asked her, "why did I perm my hair ma?" Her answer (in a whiny and mocking voice) "cause you HAD to have it straight, remember?" Oh yeah.

Every morning, along with my other vitamins, I've been taking GNC's Hair, Skin and Nails Formula. It got really GREAT review on DrugStore.com so, I'm giving it a try just to see if it works. In addition, every night before I go to bed, I've been spraying an olive oil, rosemary, water mixture on my head which is supposed to stimulate hair growth.

So, I'll see.

Racism Maybe?

Since I am off for the week, I decided to untwist my hair so that I could properly wash and condition it and let it rest for a bit. Not that having my hair in the twists is at all stressful to it, I just really wanted to try out some of the shampoo and conditioner I made. Since this isn't the first time in my life that I have worn my hair natural, I have a bunch of hair recipes that I use when my hair is in it's natural state. Anyway, I decided that since is the way my hair is going to be FOREVER and since I've never worn my hair this short (very limiting in styles, to me) I wanted to buy an afro wig. So, I began searching and searching and searching. With the exception of a few wigs at this site:
Katour Wigs most of the wigs that consist of natural Black, African-American, Afro, type hair (whatever you wish to call it) MY natural hair type, are clown wigs. This goes for many of the dred loc type wigs too, they are from costume shops or are meant to be funny. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most open minded person to the world and I normally see things with a "racial twist" to them, from goings on at my job to television commercials but, I find it almost disturbing that natural afro type hair is used as clown hair. Why in the hell do clowns have afros? And, why in the hell is this funny? I told my cousin T (who is my best friend, quite rational and very clever) and her answer was, and I quote "yeah, clowns have big noses and big lips too". The other thing I saw where whores. Clowns and whores.


Now, how could ANYONE as beautiful as this:



or this:




or this:



or this:




ever be mixed up/made fun of (don't know the exact words I'd like to use) with this:




or this:







It's just disgusting.

Arrrgh

Been emotionally eating for the last day or two. I know better than that but doing it anyway. At the very least, I haven't eaten anything that could be catergorized as being "bad" for me, just eating a lot of the good stuff.

Despite what I said I would do, I continued to speak to Mysterious Ex. I know it was stupid, I know it was something I should not have done, but did. The last time I spoke to him, we spoke for about 2 and a half hours and he said a few times during our conversation that he wanted to see me this weekend. Now, I don't think I would have seen him, it wasn't something that I really wanted to do since I knew that would be opening a can I didn't want to open so I told him "we'll see". But, this weekend came and went and he didn't call me, I didn't hear from him, not once. Typical of M.E. the same thing over and over. He really does confuse me, I don't understand how he would go on and on about seeing me and then boom, nothing. This is why I shouldn't be speaking with him, this is why I broke up with him months ago, I never seem to learn. I think that I keep hoping that he will be different. I don't want to use the word change because I know he won't. He keep ing hoping deep down that he will understand the things that he does and just stope doing them, act correctly sometimes but, that isn't what he does. It upsets me though I know I shouldn't allow it to.

I am on vacation for the entire week for President's Week. So, I really don't have much planned. I am supposed to have lunch with MD (really nice church guy) on Wednesday and I was thinking of calling this guy I dated for a short bit of time last year. I have to write two essays for the Principal Training program, I don't want to do it, truthfully I think it's a bit silly, but it has to be done. I start my work out routine tomorrow. I can definitely say I'm not looking forward to that.

New Hairstyle

So far, I've lost 25 pounds, which is GREAT, especially since I haven't been working out as I should. Next week I have the ENTIRE week off! Which will give me a chance to finish up some of the redcorating I've started in the house and implement some exercise into my routine.

After chopping off all of my hair, I just oculdn't do it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hair, I always love my hair when it is natural. But, I've never had hair that short and it just felt kind of weird so, I bought some hair (kinky hair, actually, it was called Marley Braid) and I twisted my hair. It took about hours but, I went to The Heavenly One's house and sat on her living room floor, we ran our mouths, ate and watched movies so it wasn't that bad. So, I went from this:




to this:



But, I very well couldn't just walk around with all of this hair swinging all over the place, it just got in the way, going from 4 inches of hair to hair down the middle of my back in a few hours. So, I went to Nappturality.com and stole a hairstyle from a member named Schiffon (thanks girl and sorry I lost the address to your page) and did this to my hair:







Thus far, I like it, though I must admit that my bun is VERY large. I tried to smush it amd make it smaller, but that didn't work.

Since I have rather dry scalp and it's winter, under MotownGirl's advice, I made a leave in conditioner/moisturizer out of Creme of Nature's Nourishing Conditioner, a little olive oil and marm water, I put this into a spray bottle and before bed, I spritz a little on my hair and scalp and every other night, I work a little shea butter into my scalp. So far so good.

Admittedly, I have been speaking to Mysterious Ex for the last couple of days. Why? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't, but I have anyway. I told MD (nice church guy) that I would have brunch with him this Sunday after church. I already know that I will find something unbearably wrong with him, though I will try hard not to do so.

I bought a new old album by Amp Fiddler and have been listening to it for much of the evening, it's pretty solid piece of work. I'll have to listen to it much more.

Happy V Day

I spent Valentine's Day Evening watching Paula Abdul find a date on the
Dr. Phil Valentine's Evening I Need Love Special (or whatever it was called), giving myself a pedicure then chomping down on some yogurt and granola. THO gave me some flowers, how sweet, my brother gave me a card and a box of candy, awwwwww. And Sam, gave me a big wet kiss, even though he gives me those whether it's Valentine's Day or not. So, if you didn't get a Valentine today, here's one from me to you:

I've lost 23 pounds so far. Four inches off my waist so hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been speaking to Myseterious Ex again. I know that I shouldn't talk to him but, I love him, I do and that complicates matters a lot. He kept saying he wanted to see me, I told him no over and over and over again but he went on and on about it, saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me and thought I was great and so eventually, I broke down. Tuesday was his birthday so, I told him I would bake him a cake. He tells me, "I would love that but unfortunately, I'm going to be in Jersey all day that day". Which leads right back into me thinking he is a liar. I mean literally for weeks he's all, "I love you", "You're the closest thing to perfect in my eyes", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I want to kiss you", blah, blah and finally I say yes and then it's "Oh, well I'll be in Jersey". SOmething with him just isn't right. I mean, how convenient that he's available seemingly everyday EXCEPT for his birthday. I hate myself so much for even loving him though, I have to ask myself, what exactly is it I love about him because the person that is him, the person that I know, was only very average acting to me. I mean, on paper, he's a great guy but realistically, he's not that good, at least not to me. So, why am I even going through this? Why am I not allowing myself to get over this? Why am I dismissing other men but react so eagerly when he gives me just the slightest bit of attention? I think that I want him to love me the way he says he does. Not I think, I know that's what I want. I asked him this question, which he did not answer, but which I would love to know: If he thinks I'm so great and wonderful, if he loves me so much and wants me so badly, why is he not behaving as though that is the truth? Saying something and doing it are two different things. He says things, and I allow myself to fall for what he says, I allow myself to be swayed by him and I hate myself for that. I know that I'm better than this and Goddess knows that I know I am worth SO much more than this. I'm great. There is no conceit when I say that, I know for sure that I am a wonderful woman, I say that with nothing but honesty. So why, I must ask myself, am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me? Can I honestly believe that I love someone who treats me this way? It's sick.

MD (nice guy I met during my summer classes) called me the other day and invited me to brunch on Sunday. Originally, I told him I couldn't make it, I came up with some excuse or another but tomorrow, I am going to call him and I am going to go out with him. He is a nice guy, he has himself together but, I sit here pining for some man how is doing Goddess even knows what. I'm going to make myself stop. This is ridiculous, I have to move on.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Oh, it's so late, I'm up and I can't call anyone. This is by far, the funniest thing I've seen all day.

I opted to chop it.

I gathered all of my hair into a ponytail and chopped it off.




The ponytail I chopped off.



After I shaped it up, this is what I am left with:





My very short, but all natural hair.

To Chop, or Not to Chop?

I went natural a while back. I mean permanently natural. I've decided that I will never again use chemicals in my hair, I more than likely will not use heat on my hair either. Here, in lies the problem. My hair, all of my hair currently, is about 16 inches long, only about 4.5 inches of my hair is completely natural, kinky curly. The rest of it is processed and straight. I twisted my hair and have been wearing it like that for the past few weeks since I have two textures upon my head, the straight and the kinky. Tonight, I untwisted my hair and the chemically treated part of my hair, in my eyes, is ugly, it's thin, droopy, I don't like it, and I don't want it. I think I might just chop it all off, go for The Big Chop as it is called. Then, I would be left with a Teeny Weeny Afro. (which looks wonderful on this woman).



But, I'm kind of scared. I've never had hair that short. I think it looks beautiful on many people, I'm just not sure how it's going to look on me. Even in the past, when I've been natural, I've usually had a medium sized to a big ass afro




and now, my afro will be all of 4.5 (or less once I shape it) inches long. I'm afraid of having that little hair. I know that my hair will grow back and more than likely, by the end of the year, I'll have all of my length back but, I'm still scared. To chop or not to chop, that is the question.

Utterly Unbelievable

I have not worked out. Well, I did one day, but only one day. However, I have managed to lose 20 pounds thus far and, I've even had some ice cream. I've decided that February would be the month that I actually start working out. I know that my body will not continue all of this weight shedding on it's own.

Life has been kind of confusing lately. I keep going back on decisions that I've already made. I'm not sure what I should do exactly.

Holding steady at 15 pounds after eating this way for 19 days. I realize all of that was water weight, and now I have to really work to get the rest of the pounds off. The thing is, I'm REALLY lazy. I've been waking up early so that I can get in a good half hour of exercise before I begin my day but mostly I've used the time to lay in bed, give Sam belly rubs and think about what I might make for dinner when I get home. Working out really isn't even hard for me, I'm just SO lazy and really don't want to work out. I'm a sicky.

Mysterious Ex mailed me again, he says he wants to talk about "us", and while I will admit that I am intrigued and interested, I really just can't give in that easily. It isn't that I am playing hard but, I don't think he and I can be a good couple. I love M.E., I think he loves me. Truthfully, if I were to have a "perfect guy" he is it however, our relationship has always been so strained. I don't think it is worth the heart ache. However, M.E. is a very special person but, it's just too much.

My nieces spent the weekend with me this past weekend. It's hard work having kids in the house. I had to make sure they ate, bathed, I had to do their hair, make sure they brush their teeth, make sure they're not burning down my house. Very tiring. The good thing about my nieces is because of Sweet Brother, they are such foodies. I made a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinigarette, raddichio, arugala, walnuts, apples, tangerined and cherry tomatoes, and they slurped it up like it was hamburger and french fries. They even asked me to make some so that they could take it home. I was actually impressed by their little taste buds. Another funny thing is they wanted to do everything I did. They wanted to me to style their hair like mine, they wanted to wash their faces with the same face cleanser I used instead of the one their mom packed for them. They wanted to use my perfume, my bath products and on occassion, I even saw them mimicking (not in a making fun of way) the way I sit or talk. Very cute. I made them a HUGE breakfast on Sunday consisting of fruit salad, pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, hot chocolate and orange juice. I invited The Heavenly One over (since she's right up the block) and we had a HUGE feast. I then made them some cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip, walnut, pecan cookies (which I made them take home). Sam had an absolute ball with them and and needless to say, we slept our behinds off when they left. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Ugh!

Thus far, I have lost about 15 pounds which is cool though admittedly, I need to work out more. I'm pretty lazy, even when I used to exercise regularly, it was something I made myself do and for a semester I taught a yoga class to 4th, and 5th graders so it was like I HAD to work out for 2 hours three afternoons a week because you know, I was the teacher. Anyway, it has been a bit of a struggle to convince myself to work out, the thing is, I KNOW the benefits of working out, I will lose weight faster, I will tone up and not be a flabby, thinner me and I will feel even better than I do now. However, like I said, I am lazy and physical activity beyond shopping or sex just really isn't my forte. It's sad, but, it's true. On a related side note, last night I put on a rather slinky night gown that I haven't worn in a REALLY long time and it fit perfectly, I still can't see how I managed to gain 70 pounds but, I guess the scale doesn't lie. Anyway, I feel really great physically. I no longer feel sluggish, I don't need a nap when I get home from work and my entire body just seems to be working better, not sure if that is true, I just feel really good physically. I've been eating LOTS of fruit and vegetables and like two or three times a week, I eat some chicken or fish. I may cut out the chicken entirely though, since I am a bit scared of the bird flu but, that's an entirely different thing.

I spoke to the former would be father of my possible child to be and told him, right now, though it is something I want to do, we should put off the baby making. This is a huge decision and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush into becoming a mommy and especially not a single mommy because I am afraid of my tumor. I am afraid of it, believe me, I am scared to death of what it may do to my ability to reproduce in the future but right now, that isn't something that I can really think about. It's like my mind is all over the place. I need to concentrate on one area then another. First things, first, I at least want to get back to my former size before I even consider becoming pregnant, it's just something I feel I need to do.

Work, now is dull as hell, I miss teaching smaller children, I miss being inthe classroom full time. I miss the excitement children have when they learn something new, I miss the children's reacitons when I show them soemthing for the first time or how they feel when they complete their first report, complete their first science experiment on their own. I am going to start looking now for a lower classroom position for next year. Where I am now just isn't gratifying to me, I'm not really happy.

Though physically I feel great, emotionally, I have been a bit upset. I am not sure I feel a real grip on where my life is headed. Everything that I thought I would be doing at this age has not happened. I'm not even in the career I thought I would be in. I've been thinking deeply about a lot of things lately. When I was away ove the weekend, I had a lot of time to think. I've thought maybe I should just sell the house and go live abroad, I love Italy. I lived there for a few months while in college and I could make decent money teaching english and being an associate professor at one of the American universities that have campuses there. I've thought I should try my hand at my own business again. This time, I could do it in addition to working instead of doing it in lieu of working full time. I've thought maybe I should sell my house and move to a smaller city. I'm tired of New York, I've been here all of my life and at this point, it's just boring. I love the museums, the parks, the vibrancy of the city but, it's so big, so impersonal, I think at times I'm ready for a change. Not to mention with the money I could get for this house, I could be a FANTASTICE house somewhere else and still have money left over to invest into a business of my own. I don't think I want to be in education for the rest of my life, it seems to me to be a very dull existence.

Then, there's the relationship, love side of things. Lately, I've been feeling very lonely and have been ignoring the urge to want to call Mysterious Ex. He put it out there and I want to speak to him. He's so comfortable and safe (sort of), and so his reaching out to me has made me want to speak with him though I know it isn't something I should do. Very often it enters into my mind that I don't want to be married or anything. For a long time, since I was an older teenager, I've been in search of a "good man", someone that I could possibly share a life with, have children with, love and who would love me. But as I get older, go through relationships and see people I know in theirs, I don't know if it is something I want to do anymore. It's so time consuming, so hurtful. Almost everyone I know that is married or in a long term relationship is not happy. I don't want to be that way. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to share my living space with anyone. I'm so used to being alone and on my own. I mean, theoretically, yes, that is what I want, the husband, kids, all that jazz. But realistically, is it even possible? I don't wnat to set myself up for disappointment and failure. I will not lie. My breakup with Mysterious Ex still hurts, it's six months later and still, if I think about it, I can cry. Despite the men I've dated after our breakup, I still think of him, of us. Why would I want to put myself through that again. Any sadness that I may feel now pales in comparison to the hurt that I felt when he and I were together. Why would I want to feel that again? So, I'm stuck in this phase, where do I go now, what do I do? What do I want? I'm not sure.

I feel GREAT!

So, in an attempt to lose much needed weight, I have decided to go all natural. I did this while I was in college but truthfully, haven't cared much either way what I put into my mouth as long as it wasn't too gross. So, not only for weight loss, but for over all health, I have cut out refined sugars, flours and food. I gave all of my flour and sugar to The Heavenly One and bought whole wheat flour (which I have yet to use), ane sugar in the raw (which I have used in small quantities in teas and such). I also have bought all organic food, organic unrefined shea butter, cocoa butter and coconut oil for all of my bodily moisturization needs. With the exception of green and herbal teas, the only other thing besides for water that I have been drinking is this orange. mango, apple juice smoothie that I bought from this organic, natural company and even that I water down. I found these great multi grain all natural pretzels (which have become like crack to me) and I've been snacking on these granola bars by Kashi, which are actually very good. I think Gwendolyn Oblivion told me about Kashi cereal. Other than that, I've eaten veggies, fruit, more veggies and some chicken or fish when I feel like being carnivorous.

So, I've had ample amounts of energy lately, Sam and I have been going out a lot, I just need to exercise more (I'm still very lazy when it comes to that). So far, I've lost 10 pounds, and even thought I know that mostly water weight, it feels good to be able to write that. I truly haven't felt this good in a really long time.

So, Mysterious Ex and I exchanged two rounds of emails. He wanted to call me and I basically asked him, "what will we talk about? Please tell me now what it is you feel we need to speak about? What do you have to tell me now that you didn't get the chance to speak with me about in a year and a half and then the six months following that?" He didn't have an answer. His response to me was "you must really hate me now, huh?" My answer to him was, "Please, M.E. you're such a fucking manipulator". That was it. I'm very proud of myself. There was admittedly a small part of me that wanted to speak to him but, really, at this point, what WOULD we talk about? It's just silly, it would be a waste of both our times, not to mention an emotional investment I am not willing to make.

So, I'm going to Philly for the weekend. I rented a villa. I'm going to do a little shopping and a little "hiking".

What the Hell?

Mysterious Ex called me today, 5 times. I didn't answer the phone, (I was here twice when he called), I just looked at the phone. I sent a letter a while back but, it wasn't a please call me, we need to talk letter it was just an, "end of the year get you out of my system so I can move on with my life" kind of letter. I don't want to speak to him. Why is he calling me? I don't think I even want to know why.

Damn!

Today, I decided to start the Weight Watchers point system diet. I tried this like two years ago and lost 32 pounds in seven weeks, so, I've decided to try it again. At the beginngin of the progtam, you have to weigh yourself, take measurements of your body, etc. All things that I didn't really want to do (I haven't gotten on a scale since last year and I mean like this time last year) but, I HAD to. I KNOW that I've gotten fatter, Jesus do I know. Despite running up and down train steps, I still eat, A LOT, I don't exercise any more and I wear two sizes bigger than I used to. So, I figure, two sizes, not too bad right? What could I have gained? 20 pounds? 25 maybe?

WRONG!!!!!! I hate to admit this, but writing this will make it more real for me. I gained 70 SEVENTY pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At first, I got off the scale to check if it was correct (you know, on zero before I get on) and it was. DAMN!!!!!! How the FUCK did this happen and why, oh why, am I only wearing two sizes bigger?!!!

I don't wear my clothes tight, quite to the contrary, my clothes fit tailor well, not too tight, not too big, just like they should. Granted, there are a pair of jeans or 12 that I can't fit anymore, but not by too much, it's not like I can't get them up, I just have a bit of trouble sitting in them all day, and climbing steps, and zippering them closed. But 70?!!!, DAMN!!!! I don't know what else to say. This means, and I HATE to write this, but, this means that I weigh 100 pounds more than I did after I did weight watchers before. That shit is crazy. C R A Z Y.

On the bright side, and Goddess, I'm SEARCHING for a bright side I look pretty good for someone who has gained 100 pounds. I see pictures of myself and though I am obviously bigger than I used to be, I still look cute. My stomach still is not very big, it's still pretty flat actually, and I CAN STILL WEAR LIKE 70% of my clothes. How, I'm not really sure, but I do. So, that's my story. Obviously, I will go back to my old exercise regimine. I won't be happy, it will be hard and I'll probably bitch, moan, cry, complain and be upset A LOT. But, it has to be done because this shit is just RIDICULOUS and, I can't allow this to continue.

Merry Christmas! (I'm glad it's over)

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. SO tired in fact, that after my guests left, Samson and I slept for about a hour and a half on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Well, I guess I should say, I WAS tired. I decided to have Christmas at my house this year. The Heavenly One wasn't really up to it, and my brother had to go to work tonight at 11 so, I decided to take on the task.

I started yesterday with the baking. I made sugar cookies (well actually the dough for sugar cookies has to be made the night before so TECHNICALLY, I started on Friday), which I cut into little Christmas shapes, and some hearts. I baked two Red Velvet Cakes, three cheesecakes, 1 cherry, one chocolate swirl and one sweet potato swirl. I baked an apple pie and a sweet potato pie. We didn't want to do the whole "feast" thing again, like we had for Thanksgiving, so we let my nieces choose the menu. So, as per the the children's request, we had Lasagna, garlic bread, salad, barbecued ribs, sweet and sour chicken and cajun chicken. I also made a Mozarella and tomato salad and had a large asssortment of crudite and chips, pretzels, nuts, etc. My sister in law made banana pudding, (which was VERY good) and carrot cake (didn't have room to taste it) and we ate like HOGS! All in all, it was a pretty good evening though, I had a LOT to do. I had to go to the basement, and find the two leaves to my dining table, clean the house of course (that wasn't so bad since I clean normally) but, the cooking and preparing was the worst. I also had to wrap gifts and look cute for them. I started the day off in 4 inch heels and a black wrap dress, but ended it in flip flops and yoga pants. Samson had a ball with Delilah (my mom's dog) and my nieces, and my cat even came out after a while. Now, my house looks a mess, they did put the food into refrigerator containers but, tomorrow, I will have to wash dishes, and get things back to normal. We had a really good time so, though I am tired, I am happy.

On a nother note, I spoke to Mysterious Ex through email the other day. Actually, we exchanged like 20+ (no exaggeration) emails for like two days. He wants to meet with me, he says he misses me and he wants us to talk. There is a side of me that wants to see him, that wants to talk to him, but last night, as I was lying in bed, I came to the decision that I won't see him. I have been down that road before, I cannot do it again. I love him, yes, I won't say I don't, but, I love me, and I cannot do that to myself. Not again.

You're a Strong Independent Woman

I heard that AGAIN today. I guess in many instances it could be taken as a compliment but, I for one am kind of tired of this namesake. I think that being seen as a "strong independent woman" has some negative conotations. It makes me seem like "the kind of woman who doesn't need (want) a man". I think it gives me the appearance of being forever okay with what is going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life, I have a good life but, I would like to be in a relationship. I would like the husband and the baby, if that is to exist for me. This "strong independent woman" thing is "keeping" me from being in a relationship, at least a good one. But, I cannot just go and change who I am. I am the person I am, regardless of whether that is seen as strong, independent or whatever other words anyone would use to descirbe me. I cannot change that part of me but, will it be detrimental to my life in love?

Natural

I have decided to go natural. This is not a new thing for me. I have been natural on and of since I was 18. I'll go a year were I don't straighten my hair then I'll have a year of getting my hair permed. I am tired to destroying my hair by making it do what it isn't supposed to naturally do. I don't want to be a slave to a chemical or wear my hair straight because that is the way it is supposed to be. Today, well actually a few weeks ago, I say goodbye to the perm. Good bye perm. Hello Natural.

blah

not much going on. For most of the week, after work, I have been re arranging furniture, throwing out old stuff and putting up the new things that have been arriving daily. With the excepiton of a few things here and there, much of my second floor is done. I still have to put up the canopy around my bed, I am waiting for this huge paintinf that I ordered and for my new dining room chairs. In addition to all of that, I have been converting my cd collection onto my iPod which has been taking a lot of time. Actually, I haven't used my iPod out of the house yet, I'm scared, I know that's crazy, but some kid got killed for one just last year and I'm not in the mood really to die for a toy.

Sam was sick the other day, and so I was up all night wih him, rubbing his belly and singing to him. For some reason, every so often or so, he gets the runs. He's is eating one of the best (and most expensive) foods available but he has this sensitive tummy. I made him some chicken stew with rice and have been giving him yogurt treats. He seems a lot better but, I'm still going to take him to the vet this weekend which should set me back at least a hundred.

Other than those things, not much going on. I haven't done any Christmas shopping as of yet, even though I did buy myself a bunch of crap. I've decided to take Wed., Thurs. and Friday off in order to do some last minute shopping. And because honestly, a lot of my students aren't going to be in school anyway.

I'm so tempted to bake some cookies, but after last weeks three square meals of cookies and this week's too tight to wear jeans incident, I'm going to back off. I began to lose some weight when I started abck to work, but between sitting in the house and eating these grand dinners and sweets I love to make (cooking and baking relax me), I've been putting on the pounds like no one's business. One of the reasons I bought the iPod was so that Sam and I oculd go jogging outside and I could have something to listen to but, like I mentioned, I don't want to get killed over a toy.

OMG!

I totally stole this picture from The Humanity Critic RIP indeed. This is F'ed up.

This morning, for breakfast, I ate cookies and milk, and then for lunch, I ate cookies and milk and then for dinner, I ate cookies and milk. Very unhealthy but, heh, who cares? I'm trying to "get it while I can", but more on that later.

I've been rearranging the furniture in my house for about the last week. Every day after work, I move one thing about two feet in one direction, and then something else about three feet in another direction. Then, I sit for about an hour examing the aesthetic of each piece and how it's position sits in the flow of the room. (Another way of saying, I talk on the phone for about two hours and get too sleepy to finish). Today,I woke up bright and early with the intention of finishing everything today. I would have to say, I am about 65% finished. Still shopping for the new furniture I am going to get. I ordered a bunch of stuff and some of it has come already but, I'm still not finished of course.

I went to a really cool party last week and so now I am thinking about having a party for New Year's. I want it to be really cool, and so I have been trying to put together really cool, eclectic music and a great menu. I definitely want to have a huge party some time next year. Probably a swanky cocktail party and then a big back yard barbeque shin dig. Don't really know how I've been feeling the last few days, just ho hum I guess. Not sad, or happy, just so. I sent that letter off to Mysterious Ex the other day and I haven't regretted it as of yet. I thought I would get a bit nervous or weird feeling about it but, I've been cool. Haven't gone out AT ALL since yesterday. I think Samson and I will go for a big walk tomorrow, stop being such a weird hermit.

The Heavenly One went to a Passion Party at her sister's house tonight. She asked if I wanted to come along I quickly declined. #1 I have all of the "toys" I need and #2 Something skeeved me out about sitting in a room full of 60 year old women and dildos. So, I'm just here, doing nothing. I've decided to become celibate and get back into yoga and meditation, do some introspection. I told Q, (older guy with house in Belize) that I'm not really ready to date, I have some things that I want to sort out with myself. He, being the earthy, meditation prone guy he is, answered, "that's cool, I just did that for the last three years, real clarifying. We'll speak, keep in touch, it's cool." Three years? I don't know if I can do that for that long, but we'll see.

So, as a part of my celibacy/yoga/meditation/enlightenment, I've decided to cut out as much sugar (uggggh!) white flour (uggggggggh!) and high fats (ugggggggh!) as possible. I've done this before but always with much resistance. I always fall off about a month into it. Well see how this goes, again.

I sent the letter. I didn't think about it much of the day, but now that I am home, I feel a bit nervous. Not sure why exactly, but it is just a bit unnerving. I have to think, I feel as though I am doing this for closure's sake, but I hope somewhere deep down, I am not doing this for a response. When M (my ex fiancee) and I broke up some years ago, I sent him a letter a few months after the break up and it felt great to just get rid of that hurt. I feel that is what I am doing with this letter to Mysterious Ex, I hope I am right.

Not much to say

Life has been pretty ordinary. Work is fine. I've recently undertaken some redecoration/ petty renovation projects. I'm redoing my informal living room, bedroom and upstairs bathroom. I'm looking for a new biege couch, a new carpet and some new decor for the living room. My bedroom is getting a new bed, and a new setee or chaise lounge, plus a new table or two and definitely some new plants and lighting in both rooms. My bathroom I guess will have the most work done to it. I'm going to have the ceiling raised, new sink, cabinets and fixtures, new toilet and maybe a new tub/shower. My studio will also have some work done to it but that consists mainly of just new lighting. It's a lot of money and will probably take some time but, I'm bored with the way my house looks, it's time for something different.

I wrote Mysterious Ex a letter but, I've yet to mail it off. It felt good to just write it so, I'm not sure if I'm going to even send it to him, I may have just needed to get those feelings out of me and onto paper.

Desperately anticipating the christmas holiday so I can get a week and a half off. I just haven't really been in the work mood lately, not sure if I'm restless or just plain lazy, just not in the mood to be at work.

I went to a great party this weekend and now I have been inspired to have a party too. I was thinking of having one for New Year's, but, maybe I'll wait until I finish redecorating.

I spoke with Q (older guy with house in Belize), we are supposed to go out tomorrow but, I was speaking with my cousin T and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go out with him. Not because I don't like him, I think he's cool but truthfully, I don't feel much like going out with anybody, I just want to chill for a bit and be with myself. Also, I'm not sure what will happen between me and him. We really dug each other before and we stopped seeing one another because he felt he was so much older than me (which truthfully, he is) the thing is, I know I don't automatically have to marry him just because we go out a few times or enjoy one another's company but, there really isn't anywhere for us to go. I will admit that though I might not be trying to get into a relationship now, I would like to be apart of a relationship relationship and that isn't something that I feel he and I can do because, he's SO much older than me. His life is pretty settled, he's made his choices and they thus far have not included a wife or children, I don't think we want the same things out of life.

Spoke with my friend T (girl with the fabulous life but doesn't know it) and she tells me, her husband cheated on her and she was devastated. I admittedly didn't understand this because this is the same woman who cheats on her husband like (no exaggeration) three - five times a month. I just was a bit taken aback that she would go as far as to describe her feelings as that of devastation when she doesn't seem to take her relationship seriously AT ALL. That was a bit strange.

Well, nothing else besides that going on.

You are my friend, I like you but why do you insist on getting on the phone and recounting EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of your VERY boring day? I took the day off, you know this, I want to chill, hang out and do nothing. But, you INSIST on calling me 6,7,8,9 times until I answer the phone. WHY? Why do you do this? If you are my friend, you would leave me alone, you would respect my day off and leave me be, but NO! I have to hear from the time you woke up, to what soap you used, to what you wore to work, it's ridiculous. Leave me alone!

Well

Here I am, a year older and hopefully, a bit wiser. I don't know exactly the mood I've been in lately. I was sad most of last week, okay much of this week, but today, I've been just, blah. Didn't go to work today. Took a shower, then a bath, gave myself a pedicure, took Sam outside, washed some clothes, took out something for dinner (though I've yet to cook it) and layed across the bed reading 'The Cider House Rules' for about the last hour. I guess I'm going through the motions. Of what? I'm not really sure. Think I might stay home tomorrow too, I just feel content where I am and I don't want to ruin this feeling.

I thought alot today about things with Mysterious Ex. I'm tired of dwelling on it for so long. I know that I should be over it by now but my brooding over our break up has shifted gears. No longer am I just sad about the situation as much as I am upset with myself for investing so much time, effort and emotion into it. One part of me wants to write him a letter, I feel that I will feel better if I get some things "off my chest" another part of me thinks it's a lame idea and I'm not really in the mood to do so. I don't know.

The other day, Q called me (the older guy with the house in Belize) and asked me why I haven't called him. He says that he would like to go out with me, he'd like us to reconnect. I told him okay but truthfully, I'm just not in the mood to do any connecting. Right now, I just want to be. I somehow think that it is important for me to just take some time, reflect, gather myself before I make any moves, any decisions. I like him, he's a cool person, I don't want to tangle my mind up with thoughts of him while I am still dealing with the Mysterious Ex/me thing. I think that my rushing into trying to have a baby put those "dealing with my sadness" issue on the back burner. I know that everything we do in life is supposed to teach us a lesson, and I am trying to learn from my experience with M.E.

In other parts of my life, I am completely hooked on LOST.

Though I must admit I am knd of angry at the writers for trying to make EVERY character sympathetic. First it was Shannon who was such a bitch last season, I liked her as a bitch, it was funny and it gave the show some depth. Then we have to find out right before she dies that she was only so mean because her step mother stole her inheritance. Then it was Ana Lucia who obviously is a bit nutty, we have to find out the only reason she's so angry, bitter and murder happy is because some rouge thug shot her and killed her unborn child. Now, #1 I've known women who have lost babies, and it hasn't turned them into trigger happy manical killers. and #2 if Ana Lucia knew she was pregnant, why was she running around being a beat cop? Hasn't she ever heard of desk duty. Then we have to see Kate's story. Last season, Kate was the bad ass. The cute girl with this wild past. She robbed a bank, was on the run and now we find out, she killed her father? Because, she didn't like the fact that he was her dad? Huh? I've also known a person or two whose dads ran out on them. I knew this one girl whose father beat her mom, ran out on them, then married the mother's sister and believe it or not, they moved down the street from the girl and her mother, now if anyone deserves to die, it's that nigger, and miraculously, that girl didn't do anything. The things the characters are starting to do are beginning to seem a little far fetched. I don't know if I'm buying it all.

Some other things that are kind of pissing me off are the others/hatch story line. Are the others supernatural?
Why are they stealing children?
Is the hatch some kind of abandoned goverment experiment?
If they have been on the island for only like 50 days, why is Sayid boo hooing over Shannon like she was his wife?
Why doesn't Mr. Ecko ever answer when people speak to him? I find that shit rude.
Why did Michael sit down to chat on the computer like he was on AOL at home? I wouldn't have answered.
Where is Walt? and why is he always soaking wet when people see him, speaking backwards, but apparently he has internet access?

All of this and about a months worth of repeats to get through. I need a life.

Today's my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Me!