Waaaaah!

I hate crying about things, I hate to complaing knowing that compared to many people in this world, I have a very good life but, I have to wonder sometimes, what is the purpose or the meaning of it all? I've always thought that everyone has a purpose in this world but the thing is, I'm not sure what my purpose is. I think I'm always yearning for something, reaching for something, trying to make my life better or trying to do what I think I should be doing with my life but, I'm not sure what that is. For a very long time, I had my life mapped out, I thought I would do things according to that plan but, despite how hard I worked towards it, that plan has not come into fruition. I'm not sure what my next move should be. I'm spending lots of money and time in a career I really hae absolutely no feeling for. I am so much happier than I have no business being being because school is over. I mean, I'm ELATED that I don't have to go to that sickening school even if it is only for 8 weeks. But, what am I supposed to do? I've prayed on it, asked for guidance, asked for the opinions of others but.... what? I don't know if I've given up but, I'm passionless. I hae no desire to do much of anything. Work doesn't excite me, painting doesn't excite me anymore, it's like I just don't care. I was going through the motions of trying to find a suitable partner but... I think I may give up on that too. I don't want to be a slacker, that isn't who I am but, I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return. I can honestly say that years ago, I was a fantastic teacher now, I'm being honest, I'm merely adequate and the results are the same. I have no incentive to try harder. The same goes for everything in my life. I try at relationships, they fail, I try to do something different, get myself out of this rut but, I feel I see no results. I think I might be depressed, I'm not sure. I know that this is a feeling I've had for sometime and it doesn't seem to be going away but, things are not as I want them to be, things are not as I've planned them. All of my efforts for change have not succeeded and I'm no longer sure what to do.



I'm going to post what I eat for the day again from now on. When I don't write down what I eat, I tend to eat all kinds of crap that I know is no good for me.

Breakfast: organic yogurt, 1/2 cup granola, banana, 1/2 cup peach juice
Lunch: 1 cucumber, 1 tomato, 3 tbsp. light french dressing, water
Dinner: 1 pear, 1 small peach, 1/2 cup peach juice

So

It's muggy as crap out today. I'm home becuase my house looks an ever loving mess. So far, I've cleaned my upstairs living room, rearranged some furniture in there, scrubbed my floors, got down on all fours and scrubbed my tatami mats



which definitely was a pain in the butt. I washed four loads of clothes, put away two (I have too many clothes, when everything is clean, I have no where to put everything). I still have to clean my yoga/sewing/painting room, clean my bedroom, bathrooms, kitchen and downstairs living room. I estimate I'll be finished by 12 or so tonight.

I took my twists out but didn't wash my hair so, I'll have to do that before I go to bed too and sometime before Wednesday, I'm going to have to give Sam a bath because he looks a mess, poor Sam.

So, since I slacked off of my diet again, shame on me, I've decided to do one of those Bally 30 day crash diet, go to the gym 6 day a week programs to see how much weight I will lose. I know it's cheating and it probably isn't the best thing in the world to do but, ah well, I'm lazy. Luckily, I've only gained back three of the 27 pounds I did lose so, not so bad. However, I don't feel right, not sure how to phrase it but, my body feels soft or jiggly, I don't feel as tight as I am used to feeling. Admittedly, I haven't been doing ANY exercise and other than going to work, I haven't been going out a lot lately because, I was saving money for all of those classes I am taking this summer. I can't spend money and save it so, I've been wathcing a lot of cable, reading, gardening, all of that nice cheap stuff.






The fruits, or rather cucumbers and tomatoes of my labor (which technically are fruit so I guess the original was okay).

I was watching television as I folded clothes and lo and behold, the International Rock Paper Sciossors Championship was on. Remember that game as a kid, rock, paper, sciccors said shoot? Well, there is a championship game for it and get this, the winner wins $50,000. That is crazy. There isn't any strategy involved in playing, it's all a gam of chance but, it pretty funny I guess. I watched like ten minutes of it thinking it was a gag or a spoof but when I went to look it up on line, it was there Rock Paper Scissors Championship

Everything is regular, nothing exciting or too new going on.

June

Ah, it's June. The end of school and Pride Month. Normally around this time of year, I am very excited becasue it is getting closer to the time where I can sit around for nine weeks straight doing nothing. However, this June is bittersweet. Yes, the school year is winding down, yes I still have nine weeks where potentially I could be sitting around doing nothing but, this summer, like last summer, I will be taking classes so for 8 of my nine weeks off, I will be in hot, boring classrooms trying desperately to become a principal so that I can triple my salary. My classes are SOOOOOO expensive. I had to register for the classes and was so angry writing out that huge check for almost all of my hard earned money. Good news, in about three years like I said, I'll triple my salary so, I'll hopefully be able to make all of that back.

I'm finding more and more that I'm not really digging New York anymore. Of course I like the culture, museums and theater, shopping and, it's cool that I can go anywhere in the city at anytime of the day and get a cheeseburger but, this whole scene just isn't me anymore. As I'm geting older, I'm more interested in property, and with shit like 3 bedroom 1200 square foot apartments going for a million dollars in Brooklyn, it's time for this chick to get out of dodge. I'm thinking of going somewhere slower but still a bit cultured, Asheville, NC seems like a nice place. I'll probably take a trip down there within the year just to see what's going down.

I decided to try internet dating. It was something I'd never really done before but I decided to give it a try. Though I didn't go out with anyone, I did meet a few guys and seriously, I wasn't impressed. It's just as bad as real life dating. here are a few guys that I met.

E: E is 42 years old, I bit old but okay, I"m trying to get past that whole, the guys MUST be this, this, this thing so I figure okay, I'll see. This man is 42 as I've stated but, he lives at home with his parents. He told me he was married twice and he and his second wife divorced because and I quote, "she didn't want to help me with my career". When I asked what that meant, he told me he was a musician, he was goig to be a musician until he died (or starved to death by my assumptions) she wanted him to get a "real" career. I'm like dude, you live with your parents and you're 42! Don't you WANT a "REAL" career? Don't you WANT to do those things? Needless to say, I told him I didn't think we were compatible. He asked me what I meant by that, I didn't want to be mean to him so I said, "I'm going to date other people, I'm not ready for the kind of relationship you're looking for". Could you imagine? If I knew I had nothing to offer, especially being a man, I wouldn't dare try to talk to some woman, just plain trifling.

B: B is 38 had a decent job and owned his own apartment. He and I had really great conversations about 4 times then, he told me "I really dug Uma Thurman":



I don't look NUTHIN' like that broad. So I asked him, did you see my pictures? You contacted me, I don't look like her AT ALL. He responds, "yeah, but you're great". Maybe I was being childish but the old, "I don't think we're compatible" line came out. Then that was over.

K: K is 36 years old, he has a 14 year old son, owned his own home. We exchanged a few e mails, he asked me for my number, we exchanged numbers then, he called my phone about twelve times in a row. Just called and didn't say anything when I answered. At first, I thought he was just having phone trouble but, when I told him I was going to turn his phone number in to the police, he stopped calling.


J: J is 32 I think, seemed really nice, we exchanged email for about 3 weeks, then he told me he wasn't 5'10 like he put on his page, he was actually 5'2" and being the vain amazon I am, I doled out the "I dont' think we're compatible" speech. Ah well.

G: Is the last one, we haven't really communicated but never the less, I decided to pull my on line dating ad. It really just isn't worth it to me, very silly.

So along with the end of the year comes all sorts of fun and games at my school. In addition to doing report cards (which are a pain in the butt), I'm preparing my students for a punchball competition (baseball without a bat) and a cheerleading competition I'm also holding my annual pajama party where we all wear pajamas, eat junk food and watch movies and play games in class. I'm also cleaning out my classroom because, I'm going back to elementary in September. That's all I guess.

A picture of my dad.

Not a lot at all has been going on

Basically, for the past two weeks or so, things have been pretty whatever. I don't feel as sad as I did before, my friend T and I had a great talk and so that helped a lot. I've been concentrating on work, school will be out in about a month or so and then I start classes once again, let me correct that, I start those expensive al all hell classes once again. Not really looking forward to taking them, but, it is a necessary evil I guess. I met this guy or rather man last week named John (I'm using his real name because he won't ever read this, we didn't know one another for very long). He and I had two really great phone conversations and we were talking about the possibility of going on a date. Basic statistics about him: He's 39, is a truck driver, owns a condo in Harlem, never married, no children, and from our conversation, seemed pretty intelligent. Then, on the night of our second conversation, he asks me, "Do you smoke weed?" my answer was "no". He asked if I hung around people who smoked weed, I told him that one of my friends did and I of course didn't have a problem with her doing so but she doesn't do so when she is in my house, and when I visit her, I usually go in her bedroom while she smokes. I just personally don't like smoke in almost any form, it makes me feel sick, this includes car exhaust, barbecue smoke, all of that. He then tells me he didn't think he and I would be compatible because he has "friends" who like to smoke weed and he can't be around a woman who doesn't like to be around that type of behavior. I was kind of like, "wow, okay" because at first, I thought it was kind of silly/strange/weird but after reading Donna's post on the subject of identifying a weed head, it was all good. Thanks Donna!

While playing around on line the other day, I came across a video of Mysterious Ex doing a presentation for his company's latest product and of course like any crazy person would, I watched it like five times then went to bed crying. I missed him for like two days and contemplated calling him until I made myself remember why I broke things off with him to begin with.

So, I've gotten back on my diet, (blah), I've registered for my expensive as all hell classes over the summer and I'm actively searching for the future Mr. Noir, I just hope I can stay on track.

I feel as though my life is off track or something. Not quite sure how to place my finger on it but truthfully, I thought I'd be living a much different life from the one I'm living now. I hate complaining because I feel guilty about it. I know far worse things could be occurring in my life. I know the mulititude of things that are occurring in other people's lives but, I feel unfufilled?, unsure?, maybe unhappy?, ot sure quite how to describe it. I'd honestly have to say that in my adult life, all 7 years of it, I think I was happiest when I was working for myself so, I think that is something I'd like to do again. It is very hard work but, I was very happy, even when I wasn't making goodobs of money. I'm not sure if I'm going to get back into the same field or try my hand at something different but, I think that is the path I am going to go down again.

I'm very excited because, my tumor seems to have shrunk. I haven't had the constant pain in my uterus for like the past month. Prior to this, I've always had this dull achy pain, it was there for about a year, give or take a little but, noticing the pain had subsided, I had an ultrasound last week and woo hoo! tumor is smaller. Not really sure why it is, at this point, I really don't care.


Here are my goals for the end of this year.

#1 Finish credits for becoming an elementary school prinicipal
#2 Be back to "normal" weight
#3 Research and develop a business plan
#4 Find good dating partner who is good husband material

Seems simple enough I guess

I lied to my ex. He called me a while back to apologize to me for the things he did to me during our relationship ad I lied to him, I told him I was married because I didn't want him to have the impression that I was still some sad sack pining away for him after all of these years that we have been apart but now, I kind of have to keep up the lie. He mailed me and said he wanted to speak to me and so I called him and he askes how's your husband? what does he do?, etc., all of these questions that I answered ad ow I feel terrible because I have created this HUGE lie that I have to keep up. IT is much bigger than I ever wanted it to be and it has gotten way out of proportion but, I don't know what to do.

Rant!

I have been very upset thesee last few days. I think I've been feeling this for a while. I'm normally not a depressing person and really don't like my current mindset.

I HATE my job. It's not the children or particularly the place I work, it's the current state of education in general and its effect on my career. When I began teaching 7 years ago (something I thought would be temporary I might add), I loved what I did. I was good at it, I worked hard at it. It was something I enjoyed. Now, schools no longer exist to educate children. They have become test taking mills. Teachers have become babysitters and robots who all teach the same lessons from the same script at the same time of day. There is no true educating of children, it is getting them prepared for this or that test. My day has gone from the developing and strengthening of young minds to 3 hours of reading, 2 hours of math and an occassional period of science or social studies. There is no geography, no phonics, no creative writing, no music, art or even gym. It is learn to pass this test, pass that test. It is disgusting. Originally I thought I would become a principal and try to change things at least in the school I would be leading but truthfully, my heart is no longer there. I couldn't care less about what I do anymore. I simply don't care. Am I happy about this, not at all but, these are my feelings despite this. I would LOVE to open a bookstore or a cafe but truthfully, I am realistic about such a venture. I know that it takes capital which I do not have to start something like that. I know how difficult it is to even venture into that type of undertaking. I know that at this point in my life, I am not willing to take something like that on. I know that I fell defeated in many aspects. Even teaching in and of itseelf is my "safety" or fallback career. It is not what I started out in the world to do even though I do very well at it. I have allowed it take up much more of my time that I ever thought it would. When I ran my own business, that was optimum to me. I was very happy with what I was doing. I want to get back into that. So, what am I going to do? I'm not sure. This summer in order to keep advancing (make more money) I am going to take five classes and two tests. This will set me back another seven thousand dollars. I know it is an investment into myself but, I don't know if I want to invest into this career any longer.

I am on vacation

for the next week or so. Sadly, my favorite part of being a teacher as of late as been all of the vacation time I get. I had big plans for yesterday. I was to wash three loads of clothes, mop ALL of my floors (since I have a tendency to bypass the rooms I don't use and therefore don't see). Dust EVERYTHING in the house. fix one of my curtain rods which looks like its about to fall straight onto my head, and of course, clean my bathrooms. Instead, I managed to eat, lay down, watch an old movie, eat some more, sleep, watch half of an old movie, take a really long nap, eat, watch half of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka", take my extensions out and then sleep again. Ah well, another day in my life wasted. This morning though, I woke up early and have thus far washed two loads of clothes (the third is washing as I write this), put away all of the "should I wear this" clothes that seem to accumulate over the weekend and sweep all of my floors in preparation for the massive mopping. It's only 8 a.m. so, if I pull myself away from the computer, I should have a pretty good start to my day.

I've been on ebay buying up a storm. I've alwyas loved ebay but, I've been getting the most beautiful fabric for a FRACTION of the cost I would in a fabric shop. I bought 6 yards of this beautiful black silk with small outlines of gold leaves embroidered in the materia (much more pretty than it sounds) for 17 dollars, shipping included. I got 6 yards of another gorgeous fabric for 15 dollars with shipping included. And, I've got my eye on this silk salmon colored fabric which is only 1.35 a yard, ah, I almost can't take it.

I spoke to Mysterious Ex last week and he askend if he could see me. Itold him no and he got so angry at me, he told me that he wasn't going to speak to me anymore whichwas kind of funny when I reminded him I wasn't talking to him anyway. When he does things like that, it remids me of how selfish and childish he can be. I guess everyone has their faults but sometimes his seem so great, so undesireable.

This weekend was cool I guess. My nieces chose the menu for Easter dinner so I wound up making a HUGE pan of lasagna, three baked chickens, garlic bread, a big salad, banana pudding, red velvet cake and a pineapple upside down cake. I was tired after making all of that that while everyone chattered away, I laid on the couch and took a nap, right in the middle of all of the loudness that was my house. My dress came out great though, I underestimated how much material I would need for such a full skirt so it was more of a pencil skirt than a big flare circle skirt but, still cute. I got on the scale yesterday and I have gained 6 pounds so, I'm starting my strict diet again. I went partially off it for a while, littering my good eating with candies and turkey burgers and did not work out AT ALL. I'm hoping I have the same success with losing weight as quickly as I did earlier this year.

Life has been unusually boring

and I haven't had much to say. I went to a very posh party with my cousin T this weekend. It was cool, it's always nice to be in a room full of cool upwardly mobile young Black folk, I don't know how to explain it, but, there always seems to be this energy. Had brounch with that guy last week and spoke to him a few times this week but, he has three children (I did not know that) so, I won't be going out with him again. He's cool though, we'll probably remain friends but, nothing more than that. I've decided to sew my Easter dress this year though I don't go to church or anything. The Heavenly One always likes to have Easter dinner as a family and since I displyed such culinary prowess for XMas, I have been asked to host this year's Easter dinner as well. Mind you, I haven't sewed in nearly 5 years but, I think I remember the hang of it. I bought a navy blue dupioni silk floral print for the skirt half, a cream colored dupioni silk for the bodice and navy solid dupioni for the bolero. I think it should come out well, at least I'm hoping it does. I plan on doing this style, which is a pattern from the late '40s/early 50's (my favorite era for clothing) though, I never use patterns, I make my own. The skirt and bodice will be like this:



and the bolero will be like this:

Despite all of my staying

in the house and my "bah humbugish" attitude, I've been having a pretty decent, if not conventional week. I have tomorrow off (love the NYC Dept. of ED!) so I have a three day weekend ahead. The weather hasn't been too bad this week, so, I've been wearing really great outfits, been feeling quasi okay. This weekend, my Cousin T has vowed to keep me OUT of the house so, tomorrow, which she took off since I am off, we are going shopping, then to lunch then I guess to a movie. I NEVER go to the movies unless they are independent or I REALLY, REALLY want to see them (they look EXCEPTIONALLY good). "Regular" movies usually aren't that good and I get angry for having spent 12 dollars on some dumb hour and a half long movie. She'll spend the night with me, and then the next day, we're supposed to go to MOMA and then to her God daughter's birthday party. We'll go out to dinner afterwards. On Sunday, I'm supposed to have brunch with this guy that I've been telling I'm going to have brunch with for like weeks and since this weekend seems to be the mark of the end of my self imposed hibernation, I figured, what the hell, I'll go.

The school I interviewed with last week sent me tis huge package asking all of these questions (8 in all) that they want me to return to them by next week. The 8 questions have to be answered essay style and have to be more than 600 words but less than 800. It's quite irritating and I'm not looking forward to doing them. One part of me says to not even answer the questions, I think they may not hire me and I reallly don't want to spend hours and hours doing something for no reason but, the other side of me is like, just do it, you never know right?

I stopped speaking to Mysterious Ex about a week ago. I told him I didn't think our speaking to one another was beneficial to either of us. I love M.E. but I think I've come to the realization (for like the 50th time), that he and I just can't be together. Though we have this attraction to one another, not just physically but we are "at home" with one another, he's so wrapped up in everything else to be in the kind of relationship I am looking for. On the one hand, he says, as he always says, he wants us to be together and like I've said many times, on paper, he's exceptional but in the flesh, things just don't pan out for us. He's always off doing this that and the other and yes, I'm supportive of his desire to do so much for his financial life but, where does that leave "us"? So, once again, for like the 7th time in three years, we are not speaking. He tells me "we can't stay apart, you know we'll be together" and, I don't have an answer for him. I know that what I want and what he is offering right now isn't getting it so, I have to once again tell him goodbye. It hurts a bit but, that's reality.

I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, not really sure why. I haven't been hungry but, I managed to gain three pounds. How'd that happen? I'm not really sure.

I went on an interview yesterday for an assistant principal position. It's a position where I would work as a teacher for two years and then transition to a principal's position by year three. Anyway, there were two women I had to meet with. One was impressed with my resume and the things I've done as a teacher, running my own business, etc. The other said, and I QUOTE she thought my teaching style may be a "little touchy feely because I ran an afterschool Yoga program". I mean, is that not the dumbest thing anyone has ever heard? Because I ran an AFTERSCHOOL program where I taught Yoga, I'm a softie in the classroom? Where do those two things even meet? Also on my resume were the fact that I work with academically (by at least two years) delayed students, many who have emotional and behavioral problems, the fact that I have created alternative route education paths for children who have a difficult time learning "conventionally" and the fact that throughout my career, I have been used as a "miracle teacher" (a teacher who gets pulled out of her current assignment to go into another classroom and fix the mess some other teacher has created or not been able to handle), all of that was bypassed because Oh my God! I'mve taught Yoga! So stupid.

I've mostly been going to work and just going home though, I did go to the Harlem Tea Room this weekend, that was pretty nice. My cousin T says that I should get out more, I'm turning myself into a hermit but, I just haven't felt like it. If I didn't have to go to work, I wouldn't go. I just feel like I need to straighten some things out. I'm not sure right now how I'm going to go about doing that, but, for now, I feel I just want to hang in the cut.

Good Day Thus Far

Didn't go to work today. When I woke up, it was cold, windy and rainy. I heard the wind, reached my hand from under the covers for the phone, called into work to take a personal day and have had the most wonderful day of hanging around doing nothing. I took a loooong shower, redid my hair, went off my diet and had chocolate chip pancackes and took a two hour nap. Wonderful.

My hero for the day is little Autumn Ashante who is spitting fire on a level most adults wouldn't even understand. Autumn recited a poem in school called "White Nationalism Put U In Bondage" in this poem, which I wish I had in it's entirety, she basically compares Colombus ad Darwin to vampires and pirates and she asks little Black children to recite a "Black Child's Pledge", which is basically a oath of responsibility and Black pride. I LOVE this kid, I LOVE her parents. Of course, people were offended because when children who were not children of color stood to take the pledge, she told them to sit down. She has since been banned from EVER performing in her school DISTRICT, (not just the school) for basically, offending white people. Now, I've been called prejudiced and, I'm not going to say I'm not, (I haven't had the greatest experiences) but with things like this and this,still in existence, and going stronger than almost ever I might add, is all of this hoopla necessary, over a little Black girl who has NO power? Really?


See the pot call the kettle black...

why do the man treat the people bad
and just expect them not to be mad?....

And you call me a savage, uncivilized
When its you who made lynching a way of life
And you don't want me to be mad
Well I say to you too bad
I'm a product of my environment...

Lyrics from Donnie's WildLife

Kind of Sad, but what great television there was last night

On his way to my house Saturday morning, Mysterious Ex got into a car accident. I went to meet him, he's okay but, his truck will be out of commission for a while. So yesterday, I slept until 2 in the afternoon! What the crap is THAT about? Very strange. I was kind of bummed out for much of the day, I was very sleepy (I sleep a lot when I'm unhappy), I spoke on the phone for most of the day so that I could keep my mind off my sadness, it was just a general blah day. Then, 8 o'clock came and it was a mini television marathon for me. First, I watched The Simpsons, which is actually one of my favorite shows but I don't watch too often, that was a pretty good episode. Then, it was back to back tv goodness which was great for me, since I didn't want to have to think about crap. The Sopranos was pretty good (even though it took a year and a half to see some new episodes). The L Word was also pretty goood even though I feel bad for the actress who played Dana who now needs to get a new job. Then of course, I HAD to watch The Flavor of Love which really wasn't a surprise but fun to see anyway. Then, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, woke up late this morning, but still managed to get to work on time. I have a last period prep which basically means I am free until dismissal time. I was thinking of sneaking out but, I think I'll just grade some papers.

Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.

For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.

Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.

I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.

My Sister What is Up?

Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.

One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.

The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?

As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.

Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie



Cloud Nine

"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".

"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".

"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."

"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."

Meal Post

Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.

Breakfast:

6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola

Snack

4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes

Lunch

Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing

2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix

20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade


Snack

2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple

Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)

a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit

Wow, Again.

I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.

Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.

Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.

So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Wow

I almost can't believe it. The other day, my ex boyfriend who I haven't spoken to in five years called THO. He left her his info and asked that I call him. I didn't call him for days because I was thinking, "What does HE want?" "What is THIS about?" I called him and he apologized. Apologized for all of the things he did to me while we were together, apologized for the way he treated me, apologized for eing such an asshole. It was unbelievable. Still, right now, it all seems so surreal. It's just weird I guess, strange to think that I spoke to him, stranger still that he apologized because years ago, he was NOT that type of person. I guess stranger things have happened.

He and I exchanged email addresses and already, he has mailed me. He wants to know, without any pressure, if he and I could be friends and possiblyturn that into "more". Again, it is such a strange situation that I don't know how I feel about it exactly. I think one of the thngs I'm thinking is "why can't this be Mysterious Ex?" I know I have to stop that, I know I shouldn't do that but, I can't help it. A man I haven't spoken to, seen or heard from in FIVE YEARS jumps up one day and says "I love you, I think you're great, I want to be with you". Just like that, throws his heart on the line and M.E. who says he loves me more than this and that, he wants me and feels I am the ying to his yang son't nudge at all. It's like, at this point, do I just give in, date M.E. or even this old boyfriend? But, Goddess I don't want to sound whiny, but, those are not the people I want. Why are things this way? Why is everything so complicated?

So cool

While reading Donna's blog Creamy Crack, I read a comment by LDB Living on Purpose, where I saw a mention of Inspire Me Thursday which led me to post this self portrait. My major in undergrad was Fine Arts/Graphic Design and one of my Masters is in Graphic Design. I paint and create every so often, but this, is cool.

I used colored pencils on black illustration board because it's fast and I'm a bit sleepy.