I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, not really sure why. I haven't been hungry but, I managed to gain three pounds. How'd that happen? I'm not really sure.

I went on an interview yesterday for an assistant principal position. It's a position where I would work as a teacher for two years and then transition to a principal's position by year three. Anyway, there were two women I had to meet with. One was impressed with my resume and the things I've done as a teacher, running my own business, etc. The other said, and I QUOTE she thought my teaching style may be a "little touchy feely because I ran an afterschool Yoga program". I mean, is that not the dumbest thing anyone has ever heard? Because I ran an AFTERSCHOOL program where I taught Yoga, I'm a softie in the classroom? Where do those two things even meet? Also on my resume were the fact that I work with academically (by at least two years) delayed students, many who have emotional and behavioral problems, the fact that I have created alternative route education paths for children who have a difficult time learning "conventionally" and the fact that throughout my career, I have been used as a "miracle teacher" (a teacher who gets pulled out of her current assignment to go into another classroom and fix the mess some other teacher has created or not been able to handle), all of that was bypassed because Oh my God! I'mve taught Yoga! So stupid.

I've mostly been going to work and just going home though, I did go to the Harlem Tea Room this weekend, that was pretty nice. My cousin T says that I should get out more, I'm turning myself into a hermit but, I just haven't felt like it. If I didn't have to go to work, I wouldn't go. I just feel like I need to straighten some things out. I'm not sure right now how I'm going to go about doing that, but, for now, I feel I just want to hang in the cut.

Good Day Thus Far

Didn't go to work today. When I woke up, it was cold, windy and rainy. I heard the wind, reached my hand from under the covers for the phone, called into work to take a personal day and have had the most wonderful day of hanging around doing nothing. I took a loooong shower, redid my hair, went off my diet and had chocolate chip pancackes and took a two hour nap. Wonderful.

My hero for the day is little Autumn Ashante who is spitting fire on a level most adults wouldn't even understand. Autumn recited a poem in school called "White Nationalism Put U In Bondage" in this poem, which I wish I had in it's entirety, she basically compares Colombus ad Darwin to vampires and pirates and she asks little Black children to recite a "Black Child's Pledge", which is basically a oath of responsibility and Black pride. I LOVE this kid, I LOVE her parents. Of course, people were offended because when children who were not children of color stood to take the pledge, she told them to sit down. She has since been banned from EVER performing in her school DISTRICT, (not just the school) for basically, offending white people. Now, I've been called prejudiced and, I'm not going to say I'm not, (I haven't had the greatest experiences) but with things like this and this,still in existence, and going stronger than almost ever I might add, is all of this hoopla necessary, over a little Black girl who has NO power? Really?


See the pot call the kettle black...

why do the man treat the people bad
and just expect them not to be mad?....

And you call me a savage, uncivilized
When its you who made lynching a way of life
And you don't want me to be mad
Well I say to you too bad
I'm a product of my environment...

Lyrics from Donnie's WildLife

Kind of Sad, but what great television there was last night

On his way to my house Saturday morning, Mysterious Ex got into a car accident. I went to meet him, he's okay but, his truck will be out of commission for a while. So yesterday, I slept until 2 in the afternoon! What the crap is THAT about? Very strange. I was kind of bummed out for much of the day, I was very sleepy (I sleep a lot when I'm unhappy), I spoke on the phone for most of the day so that I could keep my mind off my sadness, it was just a general blah day. Then, 8 o'clock came and it was a mini television marathon for me. First, I watched The Simpsons, which is actually one of my favorite shows but I don't watch too often, that was a pretty good episode. Then, it was back to back tv goodness which was great for me, since I didn't want to have to think about crap. The Sopranos was pretty good (even though it took a year and a half to see some new episodes). The L Word was also pretty goood even though I feel bad for the actress who played Dana who now needs to get a new job. Then of course, I HAD to watch The Flavor of Love which really wasn't a surprise but fun to see anyway. Then, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, woke up late this morning, but still managed to get to work on time. I have a last period prep which basically means I am free until dismissal time. I was thinking of sneaking out but, I think I'll just grade some papers.

Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.

For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.

Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.

I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.

My Sister What is Up?

Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.

One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.

The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?

As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.

Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie



Cloud Nine

"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".

"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".

"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."

"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."

Meal Post

Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.

Breakfast:

6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola

Snack

4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes

Lunch

Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing

2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix

20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade


Snack

2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple

Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)

a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit

Wow, Again.

I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.

Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.

Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.

So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Wow

I almost can't believe it. The other day, my ex boyfriend who I haven't spoken to in five years called THO. He left her his info and asked that I call him. I didn't call him for days because I was thinking, "What does HE want?" "What is THIS about?" I called him and he apologized. Apologized for all of the things he did to me while we were together, apologized for the way he treated me, apologized for eing such an asshole. It was unbelievable. Still, right now, it all seems so surreal. It's just weird I guess, strange to think that I spoke to him, stranger still that he apologized because years ago, he was NOT that type of person. I guess stranger things have happened.

He and I exchanged email addresses and already, he has mailed me. He wants to know, without any pressure, if he and I could be friends and possiblyturn that into "more". Again, it is such a strange situation that I don't know how I feel about it exactly. I think one of the thngs I'm thinking is "why can't this be Mysterious Ex?" I know I have to stop that, I know I shouldn't do that but, I can't help it. A man I haven't spoken to, seen or heard from in FIVE YEARS jumps up one day and says "I love you, I think you're great, I want to be with you". Just like that, throws his heart on the line and M.E. who says he loves me more than this and that, he wants me and feels I am the ying to his yang son't nudge at all. It's like, at this point, do I just give in, date M.E. or even this old boyfriend? But, Goddess I don't want to sound whiny, but, those are not the people I want. Why are things this way? Why is everything so complicated?

So cool

While reading Donna's blog Creamy Crack, I read a comment by LDB Living on Purpose, where I saw a mention of Inspire Me Thursday which led me to post this self portrait. My major in undergrad was Fine Arts/Graphic Design and one of my Masters is in Graphic Design. I paint and create every so often, but this, is cool.

I used colored pencils on black illustration board because it's fast and I'm a bit sleepy.

Well

I went out with MD (really nice church guy) yesterday and he really is nice. He's smart, tall, good looking, funny, sweet, gentlemanly. So, why am I not that "into" him? Then I remember, he's just so churchy. Everything is god this and god that. Let's pray before we eat a french fry, let's pray before we cross the street. Though he's nice, I know there isn't anyway that he and I could ever REALLY have a relationship becuase in a word, I'm a heathen. Most black folks LOVE their god, and while I personally don't find anything wrong with that, organized religion of almost any form, and christianity in particular (which I personally view as a white male chauvanistic entitiy which down plays the role of women in biblical history and uses a badly re-written text which omits or plain changes many of the facts and the color and ethnicity of it's main character) just doesn't sit well with me. MD, I think, thinks that I am on the verge of being holy. Like "she just needs a good man and a baby then she'll go to church" kind of thing. But church, religion and what it stands for (taking poor folks money) just isn't my thing. So, I doubt that anything will come into fruition between MD and I because nothing will definitely come into fruition with me and his beloved church.

Lost 27 pounds thus far which has been VERY encouraging. Thus far, I've lost 4 inches off my waist, two off my upper arms, 1 off my thighs (I have THUNDER thighs, but, I say that with love) 2 inches off my calves and I think 3 or 4 off my hips, don't remember. Today, I put on a pair of yoga pants, which I love, they are my favorite "hanging around the house, not leaving a 5 block radius around the house" type pants. And what? They were TOO BIG. They hung way down on my hips, were too big in my thighs and actually dragged on the floor. I should still work out though, and much more than just walking. My stomach, thighs and butt look good but, my upper arms are getting flabby, I notice the difference. But my lazy ass, instead of thinking of the bicep and tricep curls that I SHOULD be doing, and can do because I have a friggin' Total Gym Platinum as well as numerous free weights in the house, just decided that I wouldn't wear anything sleeveless for a while (it's winter anyway, right?). So, only 43 more ponds to go. Doesn't seem as bas as that 70 I had to tackle a few weeks back.

I wore an afro puff piece yesterday and so now, I am trying to figure out what I should do with my hair. I really don't have any plans for tomorrow, and my nieces called and asked if they could stay over Saturday night (not sure about that yet) so, I want to get my hair done between tonight and tomorrow. I still am not used to my hair being this short. Today, as I walked around the house, I kept shocking myself because everytime I look in a mirror (and for some reason, I seem to have a lot of mirrors around the house), I see this short bushy haired chick who kind of looks like me, but not quite. It's very strange. I was going to attempt some tiny two strand twists just to see how they look, my dumb ass actually measured my hair and after the trim I gave myself the other day, I have about 3.25 inches of hair on my head, a bit of a shocker but, that's reality. However, I must say I'm LOVING my hair, I had my hands in it for most of the day. It' SO thick, and SO curly, I am never, ever, ever, never going back to the perm. While visiting The Heavenly One (mom, who uses no chemicals) I asked her, "why did I perm my hair ma?" Her answer (in a whiny and mocking voice) "cause you HAD to have it straight, remember?" Oh yeah.

Every morning, along with my other vitamins, I've been taking GNC's Hair, Skin and Nails Formula. It got really GREAT review on DrugStore.com so, I'm giving it a try just to see if it works. In addition, every night before I go to bed, I've been spraying an olive oil, rosemary, water mixture on my head which is supposed to stimulate hair growth.

So, I'll see.

Racism Maybe?

Since I am off for the week, I decided to untwist my hair so that I could properly wash and condition it and let it rest for a bit. Not that having my hair in the twists is at all stressful to it, I just really wanted to try out some of the shampoo and conditioner I made. Since this isn't the first time in my life that I have worn my hair natural, I have a bunch of hair recipes that I use when my hair is in it's natural state. Anyway, I decided that since is the way my hair is going to be FOREVER and since I've never worn my hair this short (very limiting in styles, to me) I wanted to buy an afro wig. So, I began searching and searching and searching. With the exception of a few wigs at this site:
Katour Wigs most of the wigs that consist of natural Black, African-American, Afro, type hair (whatever you wish to call it) MY natural hair type, are clown wigs. This goes for many of the dred loc type wigs too, they are from costume shops or are meant to be funny. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most open minded person to the world and I normally see things with a "racial twist" to them, from goings on at my job to television commercials but, I find it almost disturbing that natural afro type hair is used as clown hair. Why in the hell do clowns have afros? And, why in the hell is this funny? I told my cousin T (who is my best friend, quite rational and very clever) and her answer was, and I quote "yeah, clowns have big noses and big lips too". The other thing I saw where whores. Clowns and whores.


Now, how could ANYONE as beautiful as this:



or this:




or this:



or this:




ever be mixed up/made fun of (don't know the exact words I'd like to use) with this:




or this:







It's just disgusting.

Arrrgh

Been emotionally eating for the last day or two. I know better than that but doing it anyway. At the very least, I haven't eaten anything that could be catergorized as being "bad" for me, just eating a lot of the good stuff.

Despite what I said I would do, I continued to speak to Mysterious Ex. I know it was stupid, I know it was something I should not have done, but did. The last time I spoke to him, we spoke for about 2 and a half hours and he said a few times during our conversation that he wanted to see me this weekend. Now, I don't think I would have seen him, it wasn't something that I really wanted to do since I knew that would be opening a can I didn't want to open so I told him "we'll see". But, this weekend came and went and he didn't call me, I didn't hear from him, not once. Typical of M.E. the same thing over and over. He really does confuse me, I don't understand how he would go on and on about seeing me and then boom, nothing. This is why I shouldn't be speaking with him, this is why I broke up with him months ago, I never seem to learn. I think that I keep hoping that he will be different. I don't want to use the word change because I know he won't. He keep ing hoping deep down that he will understand the things that he does and just stope doing them, act correctly sometimes but, that isn't what he does. It upsets me though I know I shouldn't allow it to.

I am on vacation for the entire week for President's Week. So, I really don't have much planned. I am supposed to have lunch with MD (really nice church guy) on Wednesday and I was thinking of calling this guy I dated for a short bit of time last year. I have to write two essays for the Principal Training program, I don't want to do it, truthfully I think it's a bit silly, but it has to be done. I start my work out routine tomorrow. I can definitely say I'm not looking forward to that.

New Hairstyle

So far, I've lost 25 pounds, which is GREAT, especially since I haven't been working out as I should. Next week I have the ENTIRE week off! Which will give me a chance to finish up some of the redcorating I've started in the house and implement some exercise into my routine.

After chopping off all of my hair, I just oculdn't do it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hair, I always love my hair when it is natural. But, I've never had hair that short and it just felt kind of weird so, I bought some hair (kinky hair, actually, it was called Marley Braid) and I twisted my hair. It took about hours but, I went to The Heavenly One's house and sat on her living room floor, we ran our mouths, ate and watched movies so it wasn't that bad. So, I went from this:




to this:



But, I very well couldn't just walk around with all of this hair swinging all over the place, it just got in the way, going from 4 inches of hair to hair down the middle of my back in a few hours. So, I went to Nappturality.com and stole a hairstyle from a member named Schiffon (thanks girl and sorry I lost the address to your page) and did this to my hair:







Thus far, I like it, though I must admit that my bun is VERY large. I tried to smush it amd make it smaller, but that didn't work.

Since I have rather dry scalp and it's winter, under MotownGirl's advice, I made a leave in conditioner/moisturizer out of Creme of Nature's Nourishing Conditioner, a little olive oil and marm water, I put this into a spray bottle and before bed, I spritz a little on my hair and scalp and every other night, I work a little shea butter into my scalp. So far so good.

Admittedly, I have been speaking to Mysterious Ex for the last couple of days. Why? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't, but I have anyway. I told MD (nice church guy) that I would have brunch with him this Sunday after church. I already know that I will find something unbearably wrong with him, though I will try hard not to do so.

I bought a new old album by Amp Fiddler and have been listening to it for much of the evening, it's pretty solid piece of work. I'll have to listen to it much more.

Happy V Day

I spent Valentine's Day Evening watching Paula Abdul find a date on the
Dr. Phil Valentine's Evening I Need Love Special (or whatever it was called), giving myself a pedicure then chomping down on some yogurt and granola. THO gave me some flowers, how sweet, my brother gave me a card and a box of candy, awwwwww. And Sam, gave me a big wet kiss, even though he gives me those whether it's Valentine's Day or not. So, if you didn't get a Valentine today, here's one from me to you:

I've lost 23 pounds so far. Four inches off my waist so hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been speaking to Myseterious Ex again. I know that I shouldn't talk to him but, I love him, I do and that complicates matters a lot. He kept saying he wanted to see me, I told him no over and over and over again but he went on and on about it, saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me and thought I was great and so eventually, I broke down. Tuesday was his birthday so, I told him I would bake him a cake. He tells me, "I would love that but unfortunately, I'm going to be in Jersey all day that day". Which leads right back into me thinking he is a liar. I mean literally for weeks he's all, "I love you", "You're the closest thing to perfect in my eyes", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I want to kiss you", blah, blah and finally I say yes and then it's "Oh, well I'll be in Jersey". SOmething with him just isn't right. I mean, how convenient that he's available seemingly everyday EXCEPT for his birthday. I hate myself so much for even loving him though, I have to ask myself, what exactly is it I love about him because the person that is him, the person that I know, was only very average acting to me. I mean, on paper, he's a great guy but realistically, he's not that good, at least not to me. So, why am I even going through this? Why am I not allowing myself to get over this? Why am I dismissing other men but react so eagerly when he gives me just the slightest bit of attention? I think that I want him to love me the way he says he does. Not I think, I know that's what I want. I asked him this question, which he did not answer, but which I would love to know: If he thinks I'm so great and wonderful, if he loves me so much and wants me so badly, why is he not behaving as though that is the truth? Saying something and doing it are two different things. He says things, and I allow myself to fall for what he says, I allow myself to be swayed by him and I hate myself for that. I know that I'm better than this and Goddess knows that I know I am worth SO much more than this. I'm great. There is no conceit when I say that, I know for sure that I am a wonderful woman, I say that with nothing but honesty. So why, I must ask myself, am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me? Can I honestly believe that I love someone who treats me this way? It's sick.

MD (nice guy I met during my summer classes) called me the other day and invited me to brunch on Sunday. Originally, I told him I couldn't make it, I came up with some excuse or another but tomorrow, I am going to call him and I am going to go out with him. He is a nice guy, he has himself together but, I sit here pining for some man how is doing Goddess even knows what. I'm going to make myself stop. This is ridiculous, I have to move on.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Oh, it's so late, I'm up and I can't call anyone. This is by far, the funniest thing I've seen all day.

I opted to chop it.

I gathered all of my hair into a ponytail and chopped it off.




The ponytail I chopped off.



After I shaped it up, this is what I am left with:





My very short, but all natural hair.

To Chop, or Not to Chop?

I went natural a while back. I mean permanently natural. I've decided that I will never again use chemicals in my hair, I more than likely will not use heat on my hair either. Here, in lies the problem. My hair, all of my hair currently, is about 16 inches long, only about 4.5 inches of my hair is completely natural, kinky curly. The rest of it is processed and straight. I twisted my hair and have been wearing it like that for the past few weeks since I have two textures upon my head, the straight and the kinky. Tonight, I untwisted my hair and the chemically treated part of my hair, in my eyes, is ugly, it's thin, droopy, I don't like it, and I don't want it. I think I might just chop it all off, go for The Big Chop as it is called. Then, I would be left with a Teeny Weeny Afro. (which looks wonderful on this woman).



But, I'm kind of scared. I've never had hair that short. I think it looks beautiful on many people, I'm just not sure how it's going to look on me. Even in the past, when I've been natural, I've usually had a medium sized to a big ass afro




and now, my afro will be all of 4.5 (or less once I shape it) inches long. I'm afraid of having that little hair. I know that my hair will grow back and more than likely, by the end of the year, I'll have all of my length back but, I'm still scared. To chop or not to chop, that is the question.

Utterly Unbelievable

I have not worked out. Well, I did one day, but only one day. However, I have managed to lose 20 pounds thus far and, I've even had some ice cream. I've decided that February would be the month that I actually start working out. I know that my body will not continue all of this weight shedding on it's own.

Life has been kind of confusing lately. I keep going back on decisions that I've already made. I'm not sure what I should do exactly.

Holding steady at 15 pounds after eating this way for 19 days. I realize all of that was water weight, and now I have to really work to get the rest of the pounds off. The thing is, I'm REALLY lazy. I've been waking up early so that I can get in a good half hour of exercise before I begin my day but mostly I've used the time to lay in bed, give Sam belly rubs and think about what I might make for dinner when I get home. Working out really isn't even hard for me, I'm just SO lazy and really don't want to work out. I'm a sicky.

Mysterious Ex mailed me again, he says he wants to talk about "us", and while I will admit that I am intrigued and interested, I really just can't give in that easily. It isn't that I am playing hard but, I don't think he and I can be a good couple. I love M.E., I think he loves me. Truthfully, if I were to have a "perfect guy" he is it however, our relationship has always been so strained. I don't think it is worth the heart ache. However, M.E. is a very special person but, it's just too much.

My nieces spent the weekend with me this past weekend. It's hard work having kids in the house. I had to make sure they ate, bathed, I had to do their hair, make sure they brush their teeth, make sure they're not burning down my house. Very tiring. The good thing about my nieces is because of Sweet Brother, they are such foodies. I made a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinigarette, raddichio, arugala, walnuts, apples, tangerined and cherry tomatoes, and they slurped it up like it was hamburger and french fries. They even asked me to make some so that they could take it home. I was actually impressed by their little taste buds. Another funny thing is they wanted to do everything I did. They wanted to me to style their hair like mine, they wanted to wash their faces with the same face cleanser I used instead of the one their mom packed for them. They wanted to use my perfume, my bath products and on occassion, I even saw them mimicking (not in a making fun of way) the way I sit or talk. Very cute. I made them a HUGE breakfast on Sunday consisting of fruit salad, pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, hot chocolate and orange juice. I invited The Heavenly One over (since she's right up the block) and we had a HUGE feast. I then made them some cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip, walnut, pecan cookies (which I made them take home). Sam had an absolute ball with them and and needless to say, we slept our behinds off when they left. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Ugh!

Thus far, I have lost about 15 pounds which is cool though admittedly, I need to work out more. I'm pretty lazy, even when I used to exercise regularly, it was something I made myself do and for a semester I taught a yoga class to 4th, and 5th graders so it was like I HAD to work out for 2 hours three afternoons a week because you know, I was the teacher. Anyway, it has been a bit of a struggle to convince myself to work out, the thing is, I KNOW the benefits of working out, I will lose weight faster, I will tone up and not be a flabby, thinner me and I will feel even better than I do now. However, like I said, I am lazy and physical activity beyond shopping or sex just really isn't my forte. It's sad, but, it's true. On a related side note, last night I put on a rather slinky night gown that I haven't worn in a REALLY long time and it fit perfectly, I still can't see how I managed to gain 70 pounds but, I guess the scale doesn't lie. Anyway, I feel really great physically. I no longer feel sluggish, I don't need a nap when I get home from work and my entire body just seems to be working better, not sure if that is true, I just feel really good physically. I've been eating LOTS of fruit and vegetables and like two or three times a week, I eat some chicken or fish. I may cut out the chicken entirely though, since I am a bit scared of the bird flu but, that's an entirely different thing.

I spoke to the former would be father of my possible child to be and told him, right now, though it is something I want to do, we should put off the baby making. This is a huge decision and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush into becoming a mommy and especially not a single mommy because I am afraid of my tumor. I am afraid of it, believe me, I am scared to death of what it may do to my ability to reproduce in the future but right now, that isn't something that I can really think about. It's like my mind is all over the place. I need to concentrate on one area then another. First things, first, I at least want to get back to my former size before I even consider becoming pregnant, it's just something I feel I need to do.

Work, now is dull as hell, I miss teaching smaller children, I miss being inthe classroom full time. I miss the excitement children have when they learn something new, I miss the children's reacitons when I show them soemthing for the first time or how they feel when they complete their first report, complete their first science experiment on their own. I am going to start looking now for a lower classroom position for next year. Where I am now just isn't gratifying to me, I'm not really happy.

Though physically I feel great, emotionally, I have been a bit upset. I am not sure I feel a real grip on where my life is headed. Everything that I thought I would be doing at this age has not happened. I'm not even in the career I thought I would be in. I've been thinking deeply about a lot of things lately. When I was away ove the weekend, I had a lot of time to think. I've thought maybe I should just sell the house and go live abroad, I love Italy. I lived there for a few months while in college and I could make decent money teaching english and being an associate professor at one of the American universities that have campuses there. I've thought I should try my hand at my own business again. This time, I could do it in addition to working instead of doing it in lieu of working full time. I've thought maybe I should sell my house and move to a smaller city. I'm tired of New York, I've been here all of my life and at this point, it's just boring. I love the museums, the parks, the vibrancy of the city but, it's so big, so impersonal, I think at times I'm ready for a change. Not to mention with the money I could get for this house, I could be a FANTASTICE house somewhere else and still have money left over to invest into a business of my own. I don't think I want to be in education for the rest of my life, it seems to me to be a very dull existence.

Then, there's the relationship, love side of things. Lately, I've been feeling very lonely and have been ignoring the urge to want to call Mysterious Ex. He put it out there and I want to speak to him. He's so comfortable and safe (sort of), and so his reaching out to me has made me want to speak with him though I know it isn't something I should do. Very often it enters into my mind that I don't want to be married or anything. For a long time, since I was an older teenager, I've been in search of a "good man", someone that I could possibly share a life with, have children with, love and who would love me. But as I get older, go through relationships and see people I know in theirs, I don't know if it is something I want to do anymore. It's so time consuming, so hurtful. Almost everyone I know that is married or in a long term relationship is not happy. I don't want to be that way. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to share my living space with anyone. I'm so used to being alone and on my own. I mean, theoretically, yes, that is what I want, the husband, kids, all that jazz. But realistically, is it even possible? I don't wnat to set myself up for disappointment and failure. I will not lie. My breakup with Mysterious Ex still hurts, it's six months later and still, if I think about it, I can cry. Despite the men I've dated after our breakup, I still think of him, of us. Why would I want to put myself through that again. Any sadness that I may feel now pales in comparison to the hurt that I felt when he and I were together. Why would I want to feel that again? So, I'm stuck in this phase, where do I go now, what do I do? What do I want? I'm not sure.

I feel GREAT!

So, in an attempt to lose much needed weight, I have decided to go all natural. I did this while I was in college but truthfully, haven't cared much either way what I put into my mouth as long as it wasn't too gross. So, not only for weight loss, but for over all health, I have cut out refined sugars, flours and food. I gave all of my flour and sugar to The Heavenly One and bought whole wheat flour (which I have yet to use), ane sugar in the raw (which I have used in small quantities in teas and such). I also have bought all organic food, organic unrefined shea butter, cocoa butter and coconut oil for all of my bodily moisturization needs. With the exception of green and herbal teas, the only other thing besides for water that I have been drinking is this orange. mango, apple juice smoothie that I bought from this organic, natural company and even that I water down. I found these great multi grain all natural pretzels (which have become like crack to me) and I've been snacking on these granola bars by Kashi, which are actually very good. I think Gwendolyn Oblivion told me about Kashi cereal. Other than that, I've eaten veggies, fruit, more veggies and some chicken or fish when I feel like being carnivorous.

So, I've had ample amounts of energy lately, Sam and I have been going out a lot, I just need to exercise more (I'm still very lazy when it comes to that). So far, I've lost 10 pounds, and even thought I know that mostly water weight, it feels good to be able to write that. I truly haven't felt this good in a really long time.

So, Mysterious Ex and I exchanged two rounds of emails. He wanted to call me and I basically asked him, "what will we talk about? Please tell me now what it is you feel we need to speak about? What do you have to tell me now that you didn't get the chance to speak with me about in a year and a half and then the six months following that?" He didn't have an answer. His response to me was "you must really hate me now, huh?" My answer to him was, "Please, M.E. you're such a fucking manipulator". That was it. I'm very proud of myself. There was admittedly a small part of me that wanted to speak to him but, really, at this point, what WOULD we talk about? It's just silly, it would be a waste of both our times, not to mention an emotional investment I am not willing to make.

So, I'm going to Philly for the weekend. I rented a villa. I'm going to do a little shopping and a little "hiking".

What the Hell?

Mysterious Ex called me today, 5 times. I didn't answer the phone, (I was here twice when he called), I just looked at the phone. I sent a letter a while back but, it wasn't a please call me, we need to talk letter it was just an, "end of the year get you out of my system so I can move on with my life" kind of letter. I don't want to speak to him. Why is he calling me? I don't think I even want to know why.

Damn!

Today, I decided to start the Weight Watchers point system diet. I tried this like two years ago and lost 32 pounds in seven weeks, so, I've decided to try it again. At the beginngin of the progtam, you have to weigh yourself, take measurements of your body, etc. All things that I didn't really want to do (I haven't gotten on a scale since last year and I mean like this time last year) but, I HAD to. I KNOW that I've gotten fatter, Jesus do I know. Despite running up and down train steps, I still eat, A LOT, I don't exercise any more and I wear two sizes bigger than I used to. So, I figure, two sizes, not too bad right? What could I have gained? 20 pounds? 25 maybe?

WRONG!!!!!! I hate to admit this, but writing this will make it more real for me. I gained 70 SEVENTY pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At first, I got off the scale to check if it was correct (you know, on zero before I get on) and it was. DAMN!!!!!! How the FUCK did this happen and why, oh why, am I only wearing two sizes bigger?!!!

I don't wear my clothes tight, quite to the contrary, my clothes fit tailor well, not too tight, not too big, just like they should. Granted, there are a pair of jeans or 12 that I can't fit anymore, but not by too much, it's not like I can't get them up, I just have a bit of trouble sitting in them all day, and climbing steps, and zippering them closed. But 70?!!!, DAMN!!!! I don't know what else to say. This means, and I HATE to write this, but, this means that I weigh 100 pounds more than I did after I did weight watchers before. That shit is crazy. C R A Z Y.

On the bright side, and Goddess, I'm SEARCHING for a bright side I look pretty good for someone who has gained 100 pounds. I see pictures of myself and though I am obviously bigger than I used to be, I still look cute. My stomach still is not very big, it's still pretty flat actually, and I CAN STILL WEAR LIKE 70% of my clothes. How, I'm not really sure, but I do. So, that's my story. Obviously, I will go back to my old exercise regimine. I won't be happy, it will be hard and I'll probably bitch, moan, cry, complain and be upset A LOT. But, it has to be done because this shit is just RIDICULOUS and, I can't allow this to continue.

Merry Christmas! (I'm glad it's over)

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. SO tired in fact, that after my guests left, Samson and I slept for about a hour and a half on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Well, I guess I should say, I WAS tired. I decided to have Christmas at my house this year. The Heavenly One wasn't really up to it, and my brother had to go to work tonight at 11 so, I decided to take on the task.

I started yesterday with the baking. I made sugar cookies (well actually the dough for sugar cookies has to be made the night before so TECHNICALLY, I started on Friday), which I cut into little Christmas shapes, and some hearts. I baked two Red Velvet Cakes, three cheesecakes, 1 cherry, one chocolate swirl and one sweet potato swirl. I baked an apple pie and a sweet potato pie. We didn't want to do the whole "feast" thing again, like we had for Thanksgiving, so we let my nieces choose the menu. So, as per the the children's request, we had Lasagna, garlic bread, salad, barbecued ribs, sweet and sour chicken and cajun chicken. I also made a Mozarella and tomato salad and had a large asssortment of crudite and chips, pretzels, nuts, etc. My sister in law made banana pudding, (which was VERY good) and carrot cake (didn't have room to taste it) and we ate like HOGS! All in all, it was a pretty good evening though, I had a LOT to do. I had to go to the basement, and find the two leaves to my dining table, clean the house of course (that wasn't so bad since I clean normally) but, the cooking and preparing was the worst. I also had to wrap gifts and look cute for them. I started the day off in 4 inch heels and a black wrap dress, but ended it in flip flops and yoga pants. Samson had a ball with Delilah (my mom's dog) and my nieces, and my cat even came out after a while. Now, my house looks a mess, they did put the food into refrigerator containers but, tomorrow, I will have to wash dishes, and get things back to normal. We had a really good time so, though I am tired, I am happy.

On a nother note, I spoke to Mysterious Ex through email the other day. Actually, we exchanged like 20+ (no exaggeration) emails for like two days. He wants to meet with me, he says he misses me and he wants us to talk. There is a side of me that wants to see him, that wants to talk to him, but last night, as I was lying in bed, I came to the decision that I won't see him. I have been down that road before, I cannot do it again. I love him, yes, I won't say I don't, but, I love me, and I cannot do that to myself. Not again.

You're a Strong Independent Woman

I heard that AGAIN today. I guess in many instances it could be taken as a compliment but, I for one am kind of tired of this namesake. I think that being seen as a "strong independent woman" has some negative conotations. It makes me seem like "the kind of woman who doesn't need (want) a man". I think it gives me the appearance of being forever okay with what is going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life, I have a good life but, I would like to be in a relationship. I would like the husband and the baby, if that is to exist for me. This "strong independent woman" thing is "keeping" me from being in a relationship, at least a good one. But, I cannot just go and change who I am. I am the person I am, regardless of whether that is seen as strong, independent or whatever other words anyone would use to descirbe me. I cannot change that part of me but, will it be detrimental to my life in love?

Natural

I have decided to go natural. This is not a new thing for me. I have been natural on and of since I was 18. I'll go a year were I don't straighten my hair then I'll have a year of getting my hair permed. I am tired to destroying my hair by making it do what it isn't supposed to naturally do. I don't want to be a slave to a chemical or wear my hair straight because that is the way it is supposed to be. Today, well actually a few weeks ago, I say goodbye to the perm. Good bye perm. Hello Natural.

blah

not much going on. For most of the week, after work, I have been re arranging furniture, throwing out old stuff and putting up the new things that have been arriving daily. With the excepiton of a few things here and there, much of my second floor is done. I still have to put up the canopy around my bed, I am waiting for this huge paintinf that I ordered and for my new dining room chairs. In addition to all of that, I have been converting my cd collection onto my iPod which has been taking a lot of time. Actually, I haven't used my iPod out of the house yet, I'm scared, I know that's crazy, but some kid got killed for one just last year and I'm not in the mood really to die for a toy.

Sam was sick the other day, and so I was up all night wih him, rubbing his belly and singing to him. For some reason, every so often or so, he gets the runs. He's is eating one of the best (and most expensive) foods available but he has this sensitive tummy. I made him some chicken stew with rice and have been giving him yogurt treats. He seems a lot better but, I'm still going to take him to the vet this weekend which should set me back at least a hundred.

Other than those things, not much going on. I haven't done any Christmas shopping as of yet, even though I did buy myself a bunch of crap. I've decided to take Wed., Thurs. and Friday off in order to do some last minute shopping. And because honestly, a lot of my students aren't going to be in school anyway.

I'm so tempted to bake some cookies, but after last weeks three square meals of cookies and this week's too tight to wear jeans incident, I'm going to back off. I began to lose some weight when I started abck to work, but between sitting in the house and eating these grand dinners and sweets I love to make (cooking and baking relax me), I've been putting on the pounds like no one's business. One of the reasons I bought the iPod was so that Sam and I oculd go jogging outside and I could have something to listen to but, like I mentioned, I don't want to get killed over a toy.

OMG!

I totally stole this picture from The Humanity Critic RIP indeed. This is F'ed up.

This morning, for breakfast, I ate cookies and milk, and then for lunch, I ate cookies and milk and then for dinner, I ate cookies and milk. Very unhealthy but, heh, who cares? I'm trying to "get it while I can", but more on that later.

I've been rearranging the furniture in my house for about the last week. Every day after work, I move one thing about two feet in one direction, and then something else about three feet in another direction. Then, I sit for about an hour examing the aesthetic of each piece and how it's position sits in the flow of the room. (Another way of saying, I talk on the phone for about two hours and get too sleepy to finish). Today,I woke up bright and early with the intention of finishing everything today. I would have to say, I am about 65% finished. Still shopping for the new furniture I am going to get. I ordered a bunch of stuff and some of it has come already but, I'm still not finished of course.

I went to a really cool party last week and so now I am thinking about having a party for New Year's. I want it to be really cool, and so I have been trying to put together really cool, eclectic music and a great menu. I definitely want to have a huge party some time next year. Probably a swanky cocktail party and then a big back yard barbeque shin dig. Don't really know how I've been feeling the last few days, just ho hum I guess. Not sad, or happy, just so. I sent that letter off to Mysterious Ex the other day and I haven't regretted it as of yet. I thought I would get a bit nervous or weird feeling about it but, I've been cool. Haven't gone out AT ALL since yesterday. I think Samson and I will go for a big walk tomorrow, stop being such a weird hermit.

The Heavenly One went to a Passion Party at her sister's house tonight. She asked if I wanted to come along I quickly declined. #1 I have all of the "toys" I need and #2 Something skeeved me out about sitting in a room full of 60 year old women and dildos. So, I'm just here, doing nothing. I've decided to become celibate and get back into yoga and meditation, do some introspection. I told Q, (older guy with house in Belize) that I'm not really ready to date, I have some things that I want to sort out with myself. He, being the earthy, meditation prone guy he is, answered, "that's cool, I just did that for the last three years, real clarifying. We'll speak, keep in touch, it's cool." Three years? I don't know if I can do that for that long, but we'll see.

So, as a part of my celibacy/yoga/meditation/enlightenment, I've decided to cut out as much sugar (uggggh!) white flour (uggggggggh!) and high fats (ugggggggh!) as possible. I've done this before but always with much resistance. I always fall off about a month into it. Well see how this goes, again.

I sent the letter. I didn't think about it much of the day, but now that I am home, I feel a bit nervous. Not sure why exactly, but it is just a bit unnerving. I have to think, I feel as though I am doing this for closure's sake, but I hope somewhere deep down, I am not doing this for a response. When M (my ex fiancee) and I broke up some years ago, I sent him a letter a few months after the break up and it felt great to just get rid of that hurt. I feel that is what I am doing with this letter to Mysterious Ex, I hope I am right.

Not much to say

Life has been pretty ordinary. Work is fine. I've recently undertaken some redecoration/ petty renovation projects. I'm redoing my informal living room, bedroom and upstairs bathroom. I'm looking for a new biege couch, a new carpet and some new decor for the living room. My bedroom is getting a new bed, and a new setee or chaise lounge, plus a new table or two and definitely some new plants and lighting in both rooms. My bathroom I guess will have the most work done to it. I'm going to have the ceiling raised, new sink, cabinets and fixtures, new toilet and maybe a new tub/shower. My studio will also have some work done to it but that consists mainly of just new lighting. It's a lot of money and will probably take some time but, I'm bored with the way my house looks, it's time for something different.

I wrote Mysterious Ex a letter but, I've yet to mail it off. It felt good to just write it so, I'm not sure if I'm going to even send it to him, I may have just needed to get those feelings out of me and onto paper.

Desperately anticipating the christmas holiday so I can get a week and a half off. I just haven't really been in the work mood lately, not sure if I'm restless or just plain lazy, just not in the mood to be at work.

I went to a great party this weekend and now I have been inspired to have a party too. I was thinking of having one for New Year's, but, maybe I'll wait until I finish redecorating.

I spoke with Q (older guy with house in Belize), we are supposed to go out tomorrow but, I was speaking with my cousin T and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go out with him. Not because I don't like him, I think he's cool but truthfully, I don't feel much like going out with anybody, I just want to chill for a bit and be with myself. Also, I'm not sure what will happen between me and him. We really dug each other before and we stopped seeing one another because he felt he was so much older than me (which truthfully, he is) the thing is, I know I don't automatically have to marry him just because we go out a few times or enjoy one another's company but, there really isn't anywhere for us to go. I will admit that though I might not be trying to get into a relationship now, I would like to be apart of a relationship relationship and that isn't something that I feel he and I can do because, he's SO much older than me. His life is pretty settled, he's made his choices and they thus far have not included a wife or children, I don't think we want the same things out of life.

Spoke with my friend T (girl with the fabulous life but doesn't know it) and she tells me, her husband cheated on her and she was devastated. I admittedly didn't understand this because this is the same woman who cheats on her husband like (no exaggeration) three - five times a month. I just was a bit taken aback that she would go as far as to describe her feelings as that of devastation when she doesn't seem to take her relationship seriously AT ALL. That was a bit strange.

Well, nothing else besides that going on.

You are my friend, I like you but why do you insist on getting on the phone and recounting EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of your VERY boring day? I took the day off, you know this, I want to chill, hang out and do nothing. But, you INSIST on calling me 6,7,8,9 times until I answer the phone. WHY? Why do you do this? If you are my friend, you would leave me alone, you would respect my day off and leave me be, but NO! I have to hear from the time you woke up, to what soap you used, to what you wore to work, it's ridiculous. Leave me alone!

Well

Here I am, a year older and hopefully, a bit wiser. I don't know exactly the mood I've been in lately. I was sad most of last week, okay much of this week, but today, I've been just, blah. Didn't go to work today. Took a shower, then a bath, gave myself a pedicure, took Sam outside, washed some clothes, took out something for dinner (though I've yet to cook it) and layed across the bed reading 'The Cider House Rules' for about the last hour. I guess I'm going through the motions. Of what? I'm not really sure. Think I might stay home tomorrow too, I just feel content where I am and I don't want to ruin this feeling.

I thought alot today about things with Mysterious Ex. I'm tired of dwelling on it for so long. I know that I should be over it by now but my brooding over our break up has shifted gears. No longer am I just sad about the situation as much as I am upset with myself for investing so much time, effort and emotion into it. One part of me wants to write him a letter, I feel that I will feel better if I get some things "off my chest" another part of me thinks it's a lame idea and I'm not really in the mood to do so. I don't know.

The other day, Q called me (the older guy with the house in Belize) and asked me why I haven't called him. He says that he would like to go out with me, he'd like us to reconnect. I told him okay but truthfully, I'm just not in the mood to do any connecting. Right now, I just want to be. I somehow think that it is important for me to just take some time, reflect, gather myself before I make any moves, any decisions. I like him, he's a cool person, I don't want to tangle my mind up with thoughts of him while I am still dealing with the Mysterious Ex/me thing. I think that my rushing into trying to have a baby put those "dealing with my sadness" issue on the back burner. I know that everything we do in life is supposed to teach us a lesson, and I am trying to learn from my experience with M.E.

In other parts of my life, I am completely hooked on LOST.

Though I must admit I am knd of angry at the writers for trying to make EVERY character sympathetic. First it was Shannon who was such a bitch last season, I liked her as a bitch, it was funny and it gave the show some depth. Then we have to find out right before she dies that she was only so mean because her step mother stole her inheritance. Then it was Ana Lucia who obviously is a bit nutty, we have to find out the only reason she's so angry, bitter and murder happy is because some rouge thug shot her and killed her unborn child. Now, #1 I've known women who have lost babies, and it hasn't turned them into trigger happy manical killers. and #2 if Ana Lucia knew she was pregnant, why was she running around being a beat cop? Hasn't she ever heard of desk duty. Then we have to see Kate's story. Last season, Kate was the bad ass. The cute girl with this wild past. She robbed a bank, was on the run and now we find out, she killed her father? Because, she didn't like the fact that he was her dad? Huh? I've also known a person or two whose dads ran out on them. I knew this one girl whose father beat her mom, ran out on them, then married the mother's sister and believe it or not, they moved down the street from the girl and her mother, now if anyone deserves to die, it's that nigger, and miraculously, that girl didn't do anything. The things the characters are starting to do are beginning to seem a little far fetched. I don't know if I'm buying it all.

Some other things that are kind of pissing me off are the others/hatch story line. Are the others supernatural?
Why are they stealing children?
Is the hatch some kind of abandoned goverment experiment?
If they have been on the island for only like 50 days, why is Sayid boo hooing over Shannon like she was his wife?
Why doesn't Mr. Ecko ever answer when people speak to him? I find that shit rude.
Why did Michael sit down to chat on the computer like he was on AOL at home? I wouldn't have answered.
Where is Walt? and why is he always soaking wet when people see him, speaking backwards, but apparently he has internet access?

All of this and about a months worth of repeats to get through. I need a life.

Today's my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Me!

Depression Becomes Her

I've been in this very bad place for the past few days. I know I shouldn't get this way. I know that I have a good life but every so often, I just get kind of down in the dumps about stuff. I hate to feel that way, but it's the truth.

I dont' think I have the Assistant Principal job. They told me they would get back to me by Friday but I haven't heard from them. I thought I had this too, they seemed so interested and when I went for a tour of the school, the principal said, "I'll take you to YOUR office" but, ah well. The funny thing is, I spent all of the extra money in my head, I thought about how I would redocorate and renovate the downstairs the way I wanted to. So, I've been a bit sad about that.

Also, I've been going through this whole thing where I have been missing Mysterious Ex. I thought I was okay but, I think I'm getting anxious with my birthday coming up. For some reason, I think that I'm going to hear from him on my birthday, and that kind of has me on edge. One side of me wants to hear from him, I want things to progress fromt there, but the other side of me knows that isn't a reality. So, I have done this sad sack thing that I always do. As soon as work was over yesterday, I went shopping and bought a bunch of clothes, which I definitely don't need. Thoguh they were pretty cute. Then I went to the furniture store and bought a bunch of accents, just crap to put on shelves, on tables, and I saw a bed that I might get. I came home and shopped on line and bought a ring, a bracelet and an ipod. Then I went to bed, sad, near tears and upset because I thought about the reasons M.E. and I broke up and realized/always knew they were trivial. Then I went to this really dark place where I am thinking, "I was just a joke to him", " I wasn't significant to him", "He never loved me, he just thougt me to be a game to him, I wasn't important". It really hurt. I have to think, if I were important to him, why would he just give up on us so easily, I know I'm the one who intiated our break up but, he didn't give much resistance. I realize I am not over how things ended with us, I'm not okay with it, I kind of just brushed it out of my mind and now I think it is coming back.

I sat in my house yesterday and I just look at the sheer size of it. It's a huge house, way too big for just me. Just room after room of emptiness. I thought about baby and realize this isn't something I want to do by myself, tumor or no tumor. I'm not saying I'm going to hav ethis perfent happy life, but, I don't want to be a single mother, that isn't something I want to do. Doint so would mean that I'm just giving up, I'm not even going to try to make my life what I want it to be. I became upset again because I think, what else is there? Like, what is the point of life and why am I even in existence? Not in an "I want to kill myself type of way", but just in a "what is the point of it all?" kind of way. It makes me upset at times that I am not as strong as I think I am, that I am not as strong as I claim to be or want to be.

I feel very alone. It isn't the "I need a man" type of alone, I'm not that kind of girl. But, I must admit that I miss that kind of companionship, I miss that type of attention. But, even when M.E. and I were together I felt this way because, I barely saw him. Why is it so difficult for me to be in a decent relationship when almost everyone around me has someone in their life. Almost everyone I know has started their family or is on their way to doing so, and here I am, still alone, still waiting or looking or whatever it is I am doing. Then it makes me think, there must be something wrong with me, or I must not be a good person to be so unlovable, so unwantable. Friends and family tell me I am great, and even men that I meet and date casually, but arent' friends and family supposed to tell you that? And men are just trying to fuck me so of course I am great to them. I feel that I am a good person, anyone I have ever dated has told me I am, so, what is the problem?

I never seem to meet someone that I really like, and when I do, there is something wrong with them. Since I was 17, there have been three men that I have taken seriously, and all three of them had some serious problems so, it makes me think I must have problems too, to be attracted to those kinds of people. What do my choices in men say about me as a person? as a woman? The thing is, I think that I built Mysterious Ex up into this unattainable kind of person. Of course he had faults, but I thought so much of him, I allowed myself to love him in such a way that now, it's like no one else can compare to him. One part of me so badly wants to talk to him, even just to ask why? Why did things end up this way? You claimed to have loved me, but not enough to fight for us? I guess I am not worth that. I don't want to be broken hearted, I don't want to be "stuck"on him, but, I am. I have of course tried dating other people since he and I have broken up but, maybe I'm not ready yet. No one that I meet is as smart, is as funny is as put together, I seem to compare everyone to him. It just bothers me so much, I feel as though I've missed out on something huge in my life. I think it's very rare that someone meets a person who so perfectly fits into their version of "it", where will I meet someone like that again? I've convinced myself that meeting someone like him is not likely. But then again, maybe he was not the person I thought he was. If he were, would I be here now?

So, very early this morning, I woke up and made a bunch of shit to eat. I made sweet potato pancakes, sausages, coffee, eggs and I ate it all. I got in the bed and went back to sleep, slept until noon, let Sam run around the back yard for a while, and now I'm in the bed again laptop in tow, shopping online. I don't want to be in this state, it's stereotypical, it's stupid, but this is how I deal, this is what is comfortable to me when I am hurt and right now, I am hurting.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess there isn't much for me to do but just go through it. I wish I were different, I wish I were stronger, but, I'm not, this is just who I am.

So, what do I do? I have seriously thought of just not pursuing a serious relationship anymore, just casually dating and when I am ready to have a child, to just do so because it is obvious that now, I am NOT ready. This way, I would just be single for the rest of my life. I've thought of just getting into a realtionship with the next decent person who wants to be with me but, I know I won't be able to do that, if I'm not into someone, I can't fake it. I've thought of calling M.E. but, I wasn't happy with him with the way things were between us. There's a reason our relationship didn't work. I've thought of calling A again but, I can't do it. I can't be with someone I don't think highly of. I know that I'm young but, in other aspects, in so far as having children and all that jazz, I'm not. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now, that I know but, how long will I be in this heartbroken state? It's been four months, how long will it be before I am okay again?

I'm an asshole, and immature too

I have been dating since I was about 18. Before I met my first serious boyfriend at 18, I of course, went out with a few guys here and there. At the age of 18, when I didn't like a guy for what ever reason, I would just stop talking to him. I would stop calling him and I would no longer take his phone calls. Some guys got it right away, it took others a few weeks and in two cases, several months. The weird thing is, as I've gotten older, (I'll be 28 in two weeks), I do the same thing! What's wrong with me? Why do I do this? I liken myself to be a pretty put together intelligent chick, but, it is hard for me to just say, "hey guy, I don't want to do this, it's not you, it's me, let's just be friends" not me, I just stop talking to the person. I fantasize these long conversations where I am being very adult and discussing the reasons why I and the guy shouldn't see one another, but, I just don't do it.

I'm in the midst of this thing now with A, the guy I was pseudo dating and whom I now consider to be a big idiot. I haven't spoken to him in like 4 four days. I could just call and say, "Hey, A, I made a mistake, maybe we shouldn't pseudo date, I don't like you, you're an bigoted idiot". or, I could just say. "A, this really isn't working out, I think you're a nice person, I just don't think we click". That would be the cool adult thing to do, but, obviously, I'm neither cool nor adult. The funny thing is, every so often, some guy calls me out on my bullshit. I kind of feel bad for the three minutes it takes me to listen to their messages, and sometimes for about four minutes after that, but all in all, I don't really care. The VERY strange thing about it is, that was the way Mysterious Ex handled things, to just stop talking to me, and I HATED that shit. HATED, HATED, HATED. So, why would I do this to other people? I'm not sure really. Maybe I'm afraid of confrontation, maybe I'm just an asshole.



I have that interview tomorrow for the AP position. I guess I'm pulling out the big guns. I have all of my excellent evaluations, my reports from the teacher training I've done, my classroom management program (which can easily be modified for school wide use), reports from all of the after school programs I've been a part of (2 of them being under my direction), I've gone over my educational theories, my discipline tactics, I've pulled out my crispest, most expensive interview outfit (crossing my fingers, legs, toes and eyes that it still fits) and I hope it all works. Looking through my things, I seem to be a pretty proficient person, at least career wise, kind of makes me wonder why I don't use those same tactics in my personal life.

Since I sat on my fat ass shopping on line for half the day yesterday, like some kind of idiot, Sam and I are going for a brisk walk in the park to try and burn off at least some of the three donuts I ate yesterday.

Such an Idiot! and WooHoo, a job offer!

I just got off of the phone with A, the guy that I have been psuedo dating and I don't like him anymore, this dude is a total idiot. First off, he calls me, we exchange normal pleasantries and he goes, "Hold on, I want to hear this". He comes back tothe phone so I say, "what happened?" He says, "nothing, they were saying there was a bias attack and I thought some black guy got beat up, but it's just some gay dude." I of course go, "and that's okay? Is that what you are saying?" He says, "no, but it's not really that big of a deal". "What!" I say, "it isn't cool if the guy is Black but because he's gay it's fine, that's some bullshit." I guess he was taken a back by my pro gayness and he actually tells me "what, are you defending THEM?" WTF?! This dude is a straight idiot, I HATE him. I go on to ask him if he feels it's okay for a white, asian, latino, woman, arab, indian person to be beat up purely because they are what they are, he goes "of course not, why do you have to pull apart what I'm saying, what's up with that?" I really just kind of get angry and disinterested so I pull back, I've labeled him an idiot so, I don't say much. I then turn on the news (a different channel then he was watching) and they are talking about the attack, it occurred on Christopher and Stonewall Streets, right in the middle of the Village which is known as a very "gay" area. I'm actually shocked that someone would attack someone for being gay there, it's like a Black guy being beat up for being Black, in Harlem of all places, so I go, "they went to the Village and did it! What nerve!" he then responds, and I QUOTE, "Well, if you want to go beat up some gay people, I guess that's where you should go, there are wall to wall HOMOS in the city". WTF IS UP WITH THIS GUY?! At this point, I want to curse him out or tell him to go fuck himself but instead, I just sit there because I'm angry, he's an idiot, and I don't want to make the problem any worse.

He then goes on to speak about how he didn't vote today because he didn't like Bloomberg as a candidate and he didn't like Ferrer's "attitude" he said, and I QUOTE, "he was speaking too much to "the" Puerto Ricans, we need a good Black candidate." Now, I'm really angry, I'm not at all against a Black candidate, but I'm not for one based purely on the fact that the nigger is Black either, ie. Larry Elder, Condaleeza Rice, Alan Keyes etc. So of course I tell him, "what's wrong with you? are you serious?" I then shut completely up, there isn't anyway I'm going to sit here and converse with this idiot. Goddess I HATE him now.

So, through nepotism, I have been offered a job. It is as Interim Acting Assistant Principal of Lower Grades (grades K -3) at a small elementary school on the other side of Brooklyn. Now, here are the good points:

#1 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

#2 It's more pay, woo hoo, like 15,000 more, that kicks ass

#3 It's great experience, I want to be a principal eventually (within the next 3 - 5 years) this would be WONDERFUL

#4 It's elementary, I LOVE elementary. Kids don't usually bring guns to school yet and I won't have to spend my days arguing with 6'5" 400 pound 17 year old boys on why it isn't correct to hit other student's in the head with desks

#5 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

Here are the bad points:

#1 I don't know if I'm ready to become as Assistant Principal. I have most of the needed credits but, I'll admit, I don't have all of my credentials (this has btw, never stopped anyone before) this happens a lot

#2 Because of #1, I will be Interim Acting AP, which means if they don't like me or feel I'm not doing a good enough job, I will be "let go"

#3 If that happens, I'll be unemployed, (again)

#4 Who am I to think I can be Assistant Principa?, I'm a little kid in that world, everyone will know I'm a kid, will they treat me that way?

#5 Without my 2 trains, bus, hill and 6 flights up steps, I might have to go to the gym (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)

I might accept the nomination, who knows. I have a week to decide and two weeks after that to find out whether or not I get it. Here's mud in my eye.

Blah

Didn't go to work today, didn't much feel like it. I woke up, took a shower then got back in the bed, it was just one of those days. Funny thing is, my cousin T called (after she said she called my office) and she was home too, it really was one of those days. THO and I are going to Sweet Brother's house tonight. He's doing a Cajun style dinner so he's making gumbo and shrimp creole, I'm making dirty rice, peanut butter pralines and beignets and THO is bringing French Vanilla ice cream. We were going to make Mississippi Mudslides, but couldn't agree on whether that is truly a Cajun drink or not.

After cooking all of that stuff, I was cleaning the kitchen and I got very sad. So much so that my niece (who is all of 12) called me during my sadness and the first thing she asked after I said "Hello" was "what's wrong Auntie?" I was a little taken aback because I didn't know what she meant, so I asked "what do you mean Sweetie?" she answered, "You sound so sad." I was just thinking and I HATE to sound sorry for my self knowing all of the for lack of a better word, badness that occurrs in people's lives everyday. I mean, I woke up this morning, I am helathy, I have a great family, well most of them, who are healthy and alive, I have a decent job that pays well and I have a pretty nice place to live. I am no where next to starving, I live a pretty good life, what do I have to complain about? But, I thought about how much of what I thought I would do or accomplish by now has not really panned out. I at times feel a bit slouchy, thinking that I have not accomplished all that I have set out to do. I sometimes think that I am in a position where I will more than likely not get married anytime soon and as days go by, I have less and less chance of having a baby. It's funny how it can just all come to me at once, like, before I thought of this, I was in pretty good spirits and then bam, it just brings me down.

While I am fully aware of the fact that I have so many great things hapening in my life and I have so many things to be grateful for, it does admittedly get me down every so often.

I've always likened myself to be the kind of woman who was very independent. Actually, A (the guy I started psuedo dating again) told me the other day, that I was different from most women that he has dated for the simple fact that I don't seem as though I "need" him. But the other day, I was lying in bed with Sam reading and I thought, if only for a second, am I going to always sleep alone? Is this going to be my life? I mean, not at all that it is a scary situation, it just seems so finite like "this is it".

I have been pseudo dating A (more of just a distraction to the whole baby thing for me) and I think, is it that I am constantly looking for the wrong kind of guy? I mean, Mysterious Ex was the right kind of guy on paper. He is educated, owns his own place, has a good job is paid well, he's very "with it", suave, funny, up- wardly mobile, he's cultured, the kind of person that I feel compliments me well. But, in all other aspects, he was not good for me. A is a nice guy, and we seem to have a lot of things in common. When we dated a few years ago, I thought he was really nice, he alwys had time for me, as he does now, he was really a sweet guy who claims to be looking for "a good woman" (his words) but, he doesn't have a degree though he is quite intelligent, he has an okay job, one without much growth, he rents a teeny, tiny studio which he has been living in since I first met him about 4 years ago, and he's a bit rough around the edges, ex. he came to my house last weekend for dinner EMPTY HANDED, he didn't even ask IF he should bring anything. All the times that I've seen him (4) he has been wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. While at my house last weekend, he called a martini glass a wine glass, something that bothered me and, he wiped his hands on one of my decorative bath towels. Oh, and he ate chicken breast with his fingers. All of those things to me are ewwwwww factors.

I know that those things are superficial and do not mean a whole lot in the scheme of things. I know that the person that one will end up with probably won't be the type of person you have in mind but, how much compromising should one do?

I have been in this very weird place for the last few days. As I am getting closer and closer to the time where I should seriously be preparing for Baby, I honestly think, do I want to do this? Do I want to be a singel mother? What about me? Should I finish the principal trainging program and possible miss out on the opportunity to have a child? Am I in a good enough place to bring a child into this world? Will I make a good mother? Will having this child mean that I am admitting defeat to the fact that my life will be NOTHING as I have planned it? WIll I be able to have some semblence of the life I want with a child in tow? Will I be fair to the baby? Will I regret my decision? Is this something that I honestly want to do right now? Does every one have doubts like this? How do I know if I am just nervous or if I am seriously in doubt? It hurts a lot to even consider doing this outside of a marriage. This is something I thought I would never do. I am near tears a lot just thinking about this.

I have to get dressed, it's getting late.

To the Anonymous Comment

The reason that I can call one of my students a doofus is because:

I am a dean of discipline in an alternative school for students who have been kicked out of "regular" schools for their CONTROLLABLE behavior. The students who attend my school are plain and simply BAD. Some of them have brought guns and knives to school, beat up teachers and other students, which is why they have been sent to my school. The school I work in is a last resort for many of these students who often have little or no credits towards graduation. If read properly, I am calling them a doofus because of their BEHAVIOR, not their learning ability.

Leave a comment with your name next time.

7 Whole Days and Not a Word From Me

Not really much has been going on lately. Work is blah, everything else is copacetect (sp?). I've been kind of busy lately, I've been dating, running my mouth on the phone, etc. My doctor called me the other day, she would like me to come in next week because she has come across this drug that may be able to help with my tumors which would be great. I spoke to the father of my child and I think that we will hold off for a bit just to see how things will go. I want to have a child, but not like this. I've always thought of myself as being married, in the big house, etc. before I started pushing out some kids. If nothing can be done to help me, that's fine, I'll just continue with my plans.

So, Q (the older guy with the house in Belize) invited me to go to the Bahamas next weekend. Should I go? I don't know. I've never been to the Bahamas, at the very least, it would be a cool experience. Then I wonder, does he expect us to go as a psuedo couple? Is he expecting me to have sex with him if I go? Truthfully, I think hes cool, but that isn't something I'm looking to get into at this point. I have so much going on with just figuring things out with the baby, I can't entertain the notion of having "a man" or man like person in my life also. The dating here and there is fine, it's fun, there isn't anything serious coming out of it or expected of me.

I also went out with A (really nice guy I wasn't attracted to). He's SO sweet and actually, as an older woman than I was when we first met, I can appreciate him more as a person but, I'm still not attracted to him. He's nice, he's smart, he's cool to hang around but, I have absolutely no attraction to him what so ever. He's just not my "type" I guess.

My job gets very boring at times. I thought I would like the idea of not reallly having to do much work, but it gets irritating. It's like, and I would NEVER say this at work least they take my job away. That school doesn't really need a dean like person. There are a few bad asses here and there, but for the most part, those kids are okay. I kind of walk around the school, I scare kids into running faster to their classes and thats pretty much it. Every once in a while, some doofus acts a fool but that is usually cured with a call home and the taking away of a free period or two.

Sam and I went to the park today. It's starting to get cold here in the city, I had to bundle him up in his little sweater this evening. I guess I'll go scrape together some dinner or call THO to see what she's made.

Sam's New Haircut

I can't believe she woke me up for this shit.




Picture of Sam looking possessed.

I ate so much shit today, nothing nutritious. In no particular order, this is what I ate today. (I was feeling VERY piggy). Donut, orange, pear, banana, another donut, potato chips, grilled cheese sandwich, twix, snickers, another donut, juice, more candy and another donut. What the hell is wrong with me?

Today is Love Your Body Day

and not that I'm particularly very observant about it because truthfully, I forgot about it until like 6 or so this evening but, just thought I would mention it.

Feeling a little down lately, about nothing in particular, I decided to go all out this morning when getting dressed. Now, I'm no slouch, I usually look pretty damn good when I leave the house but today, I don't know, I just felt, FABULOUS. So, I wore this great silk kimono shirt that I have it's very mod with swirls of pinks, browns, neutrals with tiny little gold flecks, I wore my ultra push up bra and these great long brown slacks, I then pulled out the pink 4 inch Jimmy Choo like shoes (it was like 71 degrees today) and my hair and make up were impeccable, I wore this great huge gold locket that belonged to my grandmother and I wore my slouchy goldish Dooney and Burke bag, needless to say, I looked absolutely fabulous and I felt fucking fantastic. So all day people were telling me, you look great, you're so pretty, you're beautiful, it was wonderful, mind you I wasn't doing any of this specifically for attention but, that doesn't hurt sometimes. The funniest part of the day was after work I went to the bank and there was this guy there, actually, a really good looking guy that I was kind of eyeballing. As he is walking to get on line, he just stares at me and literally goes "wow" then, not watching where he was going, he tripped over the division rope that ensures everyone stays in a single file, it was quite funny.

I felt so wonderful today that I decided to call some ex guys. Not real boyfriends, just nice guys that I've dated in the past and stopped seeing for one reason or another. The first was this guy, A, who was always very sweet to me but at the time, I just wasn't into him. He and I dated for like a month and then, pttt, I stopped calling him, stopped taking his calls, it was childish, but I just didn't want him. But I had to admit, he was a really great guy, he and I are going out on Friday.

Then, I called Q who I ADROED. He was/is a GREAT guy but, he's a bit older than me so during the midst of our dating he tells me "I really, really, really like you, but, I'm too old for you, I feel like I'm stealing your youth". We spoke a few times after that and he called me like once a year for the past few years, but we never really went out again. He said he was really happy to hear from me he's thought about calling me before but, he heard about me and Mysterious Ex, getting "deep" (his words). He wanted to go out on Friday but, I told him we could get together Saturday. The really cool part about talking to him was, he is always on some adventure, he's always good for a wonderful story. The guy isn't super rich, but he's done nicely for himself, he's always traveling around the world going here and there, so he tells me, "guess what?" of course I go, "what?" he goes, "I bought a house in Belize". Thats cool and exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean, who buys a house in Belize? (except of course for Belizians?) I thought that was pretty cool. So he goes, great, you can come to Belize with me over the school winter break (he also works for the NYC school system).

Then I called K, who was a GREAT guy. He was very sweet and really nice but I didn't like him because he asked me, while looking at a Gustav Klimt print (I have a LOT of art (paintings, drawings, sculpture, etc of differnet mediums, most of it mine but a lot from friends of mine) ALL around my house) and I quote "what kind of art that be?" Um, what? That was REALLY a turn off I mean, could he have slaughtered the English language further. But, other than that excusable(?) faux pas, he was very nice. He and I spoke and we are going out on Sunday. Then Monday, I am supposed to go out with the father of my child.

So, I guess I'll have a very full weekend.

Today, I was very upset over this entire tumor thing. I wish it weren't so big, I wish this was something I didn't have to deal with right now. I know that there are people all across this earth suffering, hurting, unhappy and that really, I have no right to complain about what is really a minor thing but, I just wish things were different.