I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday before my aunt's party (which was rather sweet) and I mentioned to said friend that I was thinking of dying my hair, just to have a little something different to look at in the mirror. When I was younger, I dyed my hair like every two weeks so for me to now have my natural hair color is a big thing onto itself. Anyway, this friend, who I am only writing about because I know she will not read this tells me that she feels dying one's hair is un-lady like and that she would NEVER dye HER hair, as though I were a heathen to even think such a thing. I was speechless, I didn't know what to say because, this same friene has cheating and continues to cheat on her husband quite regularly, this same friend uses drugs recreationally and has on more than one occassion driven WITH HER INFANT CHILD when she was high or at least semi - high. WTF?! Me dying my hair is un - lady like but you can screw people (randomly screw) and drive around high?! You've got to be kidding me. Mind you, I've never committe adultry (I'm not married and I have definitely Never taken drugs and probably won't ever take drugs. Truth be told, I only have one person who I truly consider to be "My Friend" and sadly everyone else are just people I kind of talk to or hang out with. It's sad but I realized, I know some pretty screwed up people man.
I compiled this short list of Mysterious Ex likes and dislikes and it's pretty bad. I have to wonder, why are we even trying? Why do I even love him? Is it because I've known him for so long? Am I more used to him than in love with him? Truthfully, if I don't see him for a while, I don't have those lovey dovey feelings (yes I do, I think), I'm really not sure what I ACTUALLY feel. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? I don't know? Do I want to be in this position? NO. I think that I will not have sex with Mysterious Ex anymore. I always try no to but, I'm a horny chick, I try not to be, finishing myself off before he come by but, I always give in to temptation. And, it's ALWAYS me. One would think because he's a guy he's trying to get me into bed but, I'm always the one to jump on him. I'm so ashamed (I'm really not). So, I'm going to wean myself from sex with him and see what is left of our relationship. We've had good times but, am I emotionally stck on him because of all the after sex chemicals floating around or do I truly, honestly unabashedly love this man? If tommorrow his penis suddenly fell off, would I still want to be with him? Tough question. It isn't that the sex is the only thing in our relationship (believe me, it's not THAT great, I've had a lot better) but, I think maybe the act of sex and all the releasing of seratonin (sp?) and all that other love chemical crap is clouding my judgement. Years ago, I was engaged to this guy that I was with for like 5 years (ages 18 -23) I believe I was like 21 or so at the time, I know I was still in college. Anyway, a bunch of friends and I had this psuedo dinner party (no one cooked, we just kind of ordered a bunch a food and sat around eating it and drinking wine) anyway, after having more than a few glasses of wine, my fiance at the time came to pick me up. When he came through the door, I remember looking at him in my newly acquired drunk goggles and I thought my god, what do I see in this guy? I was wearing these five inch platforms at the time so I towered over him and he just looked small and paunchy and not that cute. Then for some reason, all of the eveil things he had done and all of the bad things I thought about him during the course fo our relationship kept playing through my mind. The point is, I feel that I saw him how he truly was, without the googly love eyes, I need to do something like that for Mysterious Ex.
About 10 minutes later:
How funny, M.E. called right at the end of that sentence. See it's barely 10 o'clock in the morning and already he is complaining. That is something that bothers me about him. I am not saying that people should not complain believe me, I do enough of it but the things he complains about are always so minor to me. They seem almost trivial, maybe I'm just annoyed by him, I have been pretty pissy this weekend. He wants to get together this weekend but truthfully, I'm not in the mood to see him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to sit here, I don't want to be bothered with men or thoughts of "relationships" I just want to wear my dingy sweat pants, eat some ice cream (if I have any left) rub my puppy's belly, and watch Desperate Housewives and then Queer as Folk. I'll go visit my mom today, we went to my aunt's party yesterday so I know she'll want to gossip, she already called me over for breakfast this morning.
Here is my list.
Things I like about Mysterious Ex
He's smart, funny, can be very caring, can be very kind, can be sweet, gainfully employed, cute, tall, educated, ambitious, compassionate educated and he has really nice teeth, going to therapy to get rid of all his weirdness (at least alleviate the worst of his weirdness), seemingly less Mysterious.
Things I DON'T like abut Mysterious Ex
He NEVER has enough time for me, he still seems a bit mysterious at times , he can be very mean, he can be very childish (not in a playful way, in an immature way), we don't do a whole lot together, he has weird religious ideologies (he thinks homosexuality is wrong because "it says so in the bible" yet, he fornicates and commits sodomy with me), he doesn't do a whole lot sexually (he's not as free as I would like him to be), his member is a bit on the wee side, I don't know if I can go the distance with him, I STILL am afraid to say certain things to him because of his past reactions
I think those are more dislikes than likes but I'm not about to count them, Im afraid of the outcome. My mom has called for a second time so, I will throw on some jogging pants, get Sam suited up and run to my hot awaiting breakfast.
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