I am very, very sad today. I am on the verge of tears as I write this. I am down to my last bit of money, and I still haven't found a job. Thank God I own this place and it isn't cold enough for heat because I don't know what I would do. I am trying to be as frugal as possible, I did go shopping but, that was on my Lane Bryant card which is like 20 dollars a month so, I'm okay on that end. I am tired of being in this house, I am tired of walking around this horrible neighborhood, I am tired of not having a job. I don't know what else to do. My house has never been cleaner, I have never been so caught up on my laundry, I've never had a shorter list of "wanna read" books and I've never wathced so much television in my life. I've made dolls, I've improved my baking and cooking skills, my garden has not one weed, I am bored as hell. I cannot take it any longer. I want to get out of the house, do something (other than go on a date with one of those men), but this being New York, I have to pay my 20 dollar walk out of the house tax and right now, I can not afford that. I haven't gone food shopping in a while, I've been living off of the stuff that is usually in my freezer that I never eat so yesterday, I made spaghetti and frozen meatballs (my mom gave me those like a LOOOOONG time ago). Now believe me, I will not starve but, I am down to rice, ramen noodles, some packages of chicken, ground turkey a couple more packages of pasta (thanks mommy!) and what I believe is a beef brisket (which I have NEVER cooked, was probably given to me by my mom and HAS to be about two or more years old). I am just sick, I applied to work summer school but, I haven't worked Summer school in a while, I probably won't get called unless someone dies or something. I think my god, what did I do to get myself into this predicament? I've always been this dream chaser, always going after what I want in life, I've always loved that part of myself but now, I think it's gotten me into deep shit. If I had stayed at my job instead of trying to do my own thing, I'd be living it up right now. Everyone gives me all of this credit and kudos for following my heart and doing things on my terms but all of those people get a pay check every week. I think I'm angry at myself. I don't want to do that to me because I don't want to kill that part of my personality. I love my free loving self. I love the fact that I want to do my own thing, but at what cost?

As I'm sitting here in my self wallowing glory, I realize, I want a "real" relationship. Here I have been playing with Mysterious Ex for over a year and this is stupid, I need more than this, I want someone who is dependable, who I know has my back and is on my side. I don't feel that I have that from him. He is unreliable, he is iffy. That is not what I want in my life. I am 27, everyone tells me, you're young, you're a kid but, I don't feel that. I am at a stage in my life where I'd like to know exactly what I am doing, not "hoping" for the best or wishing that things would be a certain way. I am tired of my relationship with Mysterious Ex. Our "thing" upsets me. I know that I deserve more, I know that I want more. This brings me to this thing with New Guy. I don't think I want him either. I like him but, there isn't that silly spark thing that I think I should feel. He's nice to hang out with, he's a cool guy but I'm not gaga over him. Should that come later on? Should that be there already? Who knows, maybe I'm just upset and slinging a bunch of crap now. I'm just tired of everything, I'm ready to move, I've been in this place, physically and spiritually for too long.

I was offered a job in South Carolina. I was thinking about going then I thought, God, I don't have any money, how am I going to get myself down there? I thought of renting my place but, where would I stay until I got enough money to get there? If I did one of thouse first and second month contracts, I could get enough money to go but, where would I put all of my stuff? Do I take everything with me? Do I rent out my place already furnished and buy new things in SC? I figured I could get about 1200 - 1500 a month since I have a two bedroom. Rent for a two bedroom in Columbia is only 500 a month, a deposit plus the extra charge for Sam is only like 100 dollars. Added with the money I have now, theoretically, I could do it. That might be something I will have to think about. I want to leave New York in a few years anyway, this will just be jumping the gun.

I was thinking of dying my hair today but then I thought, God, I don't have money to just dye my hair right now but then I think screw it, I should just spend the money and think about the consequences later, sometimes you have to do that. I was even thinking of shopping today, LB has these real woman dollars and I have like 10 of them, shopping would make me feel a hell of a lot better. I think I'll just stay put though, I'm in one of those moods where I'll go off and do all kinds of things and then regret them later. Today though, is a pig out kind of day. I'll probably end up going to the store and buying a bunch of crap an cramming it down my throat. I have some money in my emergency fund that I could use for a situation just like this. Think I'll just blow dry my hair, give myself a pedicure and take it from there. Woe is me.