Eaten Today:

Breakfast: Pancakes and sausages

Dinner: Turkey Breast and Rice

Hours on Phone: about 1

Resumes: 5

Exercise: 0

Bought: Nada

Well, I guess it's official and New Guy really doesn't want to speak to me. I called him twice over the past few days and I left 2 messages and he hadn't gotten back to me. At first I was worried because I thought maybe something happened to him so I called his job today, just to see if he was okay. His secretary connected me to him, he answered the phone so I hung up. I find it very strange though because he has pursued me for like over 2 months now. I just don't get it. I thought maybe I had done or said something to offend him, but that hasn't been the case. The last time I saw him, we went out to dinner, he came to my house, we laughed and talked, he left to go home, he called me while he was driving home and then he called me again later that night (even though it was like 11 or 12), we spoke until about 1 in the morning, as usual, then we hung up saying good night and how we would speak the next day. But, I didn't hear from him. Very strange. I thought I would be sad about it but truthfully, I'm not. I must admit that its very strange and that I don't understand it so I am obsessing over it a bit but more from the "why would someone spend 10 weeks of their life running after you, speaking to you for HOURS at a time, going places with you, going out of their way to try to woo you and then disappear" type thinking. Very strange indeed. Being the proverbial scorned woman, I was thinking of doing something evil like reporting him the NY justice system or reporting him to the Bar Association but, I don't think I have time like that on my hands. A nice, "I'm tired of you" or "you suck bitch" might have eased things over a bit but, whatever. And this, I guess is why I am so scared of letting go of Mysterious Ex, no matter the B.S. he and I have ever been involved in, he's there for me. We could argue today and if I called tomorrow in need, he would come through for me, of that I am sure. Does that mean I'm settling? I'm not sure. Is that what a good relationship is made of? I'm not sure. I know I'd rather have a reliable not so great car than a never running Bentley.

Not to go on and on about this but, what happened exactly? How does one go from laughing and having a good time one day to not speaking to the person at all the next? How does one go from, "I care for you and I want to be a part of your life for a long time to come" to just not having anything to say? How does one discus their hopes and dreams and inner most thoughts and then just go away for no apparent reason? At least Mysterious Ex has manners enough to pick a fight (at least in the past) with me before doing such weird things. I mean, he really every day, more than a few times a day was all "I like you a lot", "I want to have a chance with you", "I think you're a great person", "I'm trying to build trust with you so that we can have a good relationship", "I think of you as the start of my family", he even invited me to go on vacation with him, could you imagine? I mean, not that I'm like, boo hoo now I'm not going to the Virgin Islands but, what was the point of all of that? Why even do that at all? I mean, it really wasn't necessary. I'm glad I didn't fall completely for him. My goodness, had I just jumped right in, I would have been devastated right now, I know me, my feelings would have been so hurt. Because it isn't as though I just met this man, we had a continuous relationship for some time now. Hummph, I guess this is one for the books. I've already decided I just won't speak to him again, not that he will try to call but if he does, I just won't speak to him, it's just that simple.

I cannot sleep. I've been doing this thing lately where I go to sleep at like 12 or so (pretty early for me), but I wake up like 3 or 4 in the morning and stay up until maybe 6 or 7 and then sometimes go back to sleep. It's quite aggravating. I get up in the middle of the night, sometimes I watch old movies but mostly I just read. I WAS reading A Widow for One Year by John Irving but truthfully I was really only reading a page or two a day, for some reason it wasn't holding my interest. But in the last couple of days, I have read through more than 3/4 of the book. I've brought my laptop to my bed so now my time has been split between the television, reading and the computer.

Samson is so gassy lately. He's eating the same food, eating at the same times and the same amount but it's so gross in here. It's been freezing in NYC the last few days so I have been keeping the windows closed because even the slightest crack sends in a gust of cold like you would not believe. I've even resorted to sleeping with my thermal blankets again it's so cold. Anyway, this lack of ventilation has been horrible for me because my baby has been letting it rip. Who knew a four pound dog could smell up the place so much? God sometimes I have to sincerely think, did I do that? Even though I know I haven't.

On the job front things aren't looking that great. Maybe I have horrible interview skills even though I somehow don't think that's true. (Come to think of it, New Guy was even helping me with my job search, see how strange it is?) At least now I am getting call backs but no one seems to be hiring me. I've never had this much trouble finding a job. I got a copy of my teaching record and Jesus do I sound unbelievable. So, what's the problem? I don't know. It looks as though I'm going to have to stick to my own neighborhood for a job (which I know I will get) but, I'm sick of working here with children who can't read despite their being as big as me and I'm sick of teaching nothing but how to pass a reading test, that isn't why I became a teacher, that is not teaching. If I have to step into another classroom like that this year, my brain will turn to mush, I just can't do it. I was watching PBS some day, probably in the middle of the night, and there was a teacher with her class and they were doing these great projects. They were writing books that were going to be published by and available in their state's library. They were doing a real life math lesson where they had to go grocery shopping and get the best deal for their dollar. The classroom was beautiful and, get this, actually had supplies. That is what I want. Why because I am Black, must I be sent to these horrible schools? It isn't automatic that I share a kinship with kids because we are of the same race. I just want to teach at a good school where my students will be doing something with their brain other than memorizing the answers to some test. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Maybe it is.