I've made the decision to leave my job.
Yesterday, I felt I was underminded yet again and, when I complained about it - to someone who has given me nothing but praises inthe past two years (and yes, I deserved all of them) - she backed up the underminer. Truthfully, it really wasn't even a complaint as I'm very professional and have been around for a long time, it was more of a - this occurred and I'm not certain why, please advise.
The bottom line is this, when I joined this organization two years ago, I was told they wanted someone who was very independent and a self starter, which I am. The first few months of me working here, I literally was told, this is sort of how this program runs but, we're open to any new thoughts and suggestions you may have. When I came up with said thoughts and suggestions it was always - cool! Love that idea. I don't recall there ever being a problem with anything I've ever done and if anything, my ideas may have been added to - by people who have more experience than I - but NEVER shot down, NEVER. In fact, I was liked so much that I was given a promotion after less than a year of working for said organization and was even told on more than one occassion - you don't have to check in with everything you want to do, just summarize your doings in an email every so often- (which I took to mean about twice a week) and no one EVER said anything about it. (Now, I seem to have developed a problem with communication.) That style of working has worked for me and been effective for the programs. I have increased enrollment, attendance and retention to the highest levels EVER in the history of all the programs I manage. I have created the most diverse and engaging programs for the children (hence high enrollment and attendance) and please keep in mind, my programs are for children in the middle - high school age range, children who DON'T have to come to these kinds of programs because the can run the street, be unsupervised but, they CHOOSE to come because of the changes I have made. Also, and I have been told this on more than one occasion, I've bought a great deal of professionalism to the programs - something the "higher ups" felt was missing before I took over (home - program relations, -school - program relations, - outside agency - program relations) and, since I cleaned house with staff and hired new people, I was told - your staff is the most professional we've had at these programs, blah, blah , blah. And, it's all true.
Now, in the middle of a school year, a position is created for someone who has a TOTALLY different management style than anyone I've ever worked with. Even as a fresh out of college 20 year old teacher I was told - go teach kid- and given pointers along the way. This person calls CONSTANTLY throughout the day. Actually asked me once why I wasn't at my desk (there is such a thing as peeing, meetings, lunch, stretching ones legs, etc.) and basically micro-manages me. I am not a micro-managing type person, I never have been and never will be. That is not my way. I've never had issue with anyone who was a supervisor of mine. I have letters of recommendation applauding me and evaluations specifically noting how I am adaptable, take criticism well and am eager to learn from those with more experience.
It is at the point where the other day, I had a dream about this woman. That is way too much for me. I am done. My health and well being are way more important than any job.
Now the scary part. After stringent calculations, I have about 5 months worth of money on which to live. Technically, if I need to, I can live off of my tenants rent but, with all of the repairs I've had to do in the house and with the possiblity that ANYTHING may happen at ANYTIME in here, I think its best I not do that.
So, I have already begun the search. The good part about this job is that with all of the conferences and meetings I must attend, I've made lots of contacts. I've already sent my resume off to people who I've met. And, if worse comes to worst, I can always return to the classroom.
So, my letter is typed, signed and is going in on Friday morning. Wish me luck.
2.20.2008
2.15.2008
Top 5 Reasons My Job Sucks Today
5. Its boring. I do the same thing day after day, there is no challenge.
4. The hours. 10 - 6 are very sucky hours. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get and I still haven't become accustomed to the time. When I get home, it's about 7 or later, always too late in my eyes to go out and do something after work. Plus, its a really long stretch of time to leave Sam.
3. The kids. The kids in my programs are really nutty. They start fihgts with one another, are sometimes disrespectful to my staff and often do the most inappropriate things.
2. The stuff I have to do. I think its been well established that I am lazy. I have SO much stuff to do EVERYDAY. Its exhausting. I'm stressed out, tired and very unhappy.
#1. My new supervisor. This chick gets on my nerves so much! Let us count the ways:
A) She has WAY less experience than I do:
1. I have been an educator or in education for like 12 years now. This girl has 4 years in.
2. She got her job as a favor. She and I held similar positions last year (I do more work than her and, I get paid more!). She left to go to graduate school (to get one of the degrees I already hold). She COULDN'T GET IN! So, our supervisor MADE UP a position for her so that she could have a job until she takes REMEDIAL classes to be able to get into Grad School. (Mmmmmmmmm)
3. She has no command of the English language. Now, I know that in this blog I make many mistakes but, this is my personal who gives a shit writing. This woman writes things like (actually taken from a circulated memo) "In which capacitye will these supplies be used in". WTF!?!!!
4. She pretends to know EVERYTHING. Our programs are funded by grants given by the city. A group of our children are funded by one agency, lets call the agency ABC. Another group of children are funded by another agency, lets call it XYZ. Children from XYZ agency receive supper every evening and food is provided to them if they go on trips. Agency ABC does not provide food but will reimburse you if you buy food for the children. So, children funded by agency ABC were going on a trip. She says, " I wonder if XYZ will give food to the children going on the trip". I say, "No, the children going on the trip are funded by ABC", she says, " I KNOW that." Uh, then why would you ask such a dumb question?
5. She is like the dumbest person EVER. I am a salaried employee. If I work 30 hours, if I work 75 hours, I get the same amount. My assistant, is not a salaried worker. So, she gets paid by the hour, goes into overtime, time and a half, etc. The supervisor says, (in a whiny, annoying voice), "Um, S, I don't understand why T worked 65 hours last week". I answer, "Well, I worked 70 hours last week and she was you know, assisting me." She says, "Well, I know sometimes you guys hang out in the office." I interrupt, "HANG OUT? In the office? Seriously? I may hang out at a restaurant or a club but, I certainly do not hang out in the office. What I do there is work." She says, "Well, I want her to stick to her schedule as much as possible. I understand you have things to do but try to use her more during the hours she is supposed to report to work". Uh, okay.
6. Did I mention how annoying she was?
7. She couldn't do the job I currently do. Three years ago, she ran the programs I currently run. Correction, I run two other programs in addition to the ones she ran. She couldn't handle it and (I know I'm going to hell for saying this but I don't care), she cracked under the pressure. Like she LITERALLY nutted it up. (That's why I mentioned faking a nervous breakdown. Going crazy helped her, she was given a sweeter, easier position, prior to the one she currently has).
8. She says dumb things like, "Let me think about that" when I ask her a question when we both know what she really is going to do is ask our head supervisor. Why can't she just say, "I'll ask C" because I ALREADY know that's what she is going to do.
9. She likes to question all of my decisions. Mind you, she just became my supervisor like a few weeks ago. I've been running these programs since the school year began without incident now, all of a sudden, she all, "Why did you do that?" "How do you feel about that decision?" She LOVES to say things like, "When I ran those programs..." or "When I held your postion..." I ALWAYS want to answer, "You mean when you nutted it up and were hospitalized over kids? You mean those times? Mmmmm? STFU _itch
10. She STARES at me. We're having a conference, I look up and she is staring in my face. We are in a city wide conference, there are literally hundreds of people in a room, I look up and guess who is looking back? This chick is scary.
4. The hours. 10 - 6 are very sucky hours. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get and I still haven't become accustomed to the time. When I get home, it's about 7 or later, always too late in my eyes to go out and do something after work. Plus, its a really long stretch of time to leave Sam.
3. The kids. The kids in my programs are really nutty. They start fihgts with one another, are sometimes disrespectful to my staff and often do the most inappropriate things.
2. The stuff I have to do. I think its been well established that I am lazy. I have SO much stuff to do EVERYDAY. Its exhausting. I'm stressed out, tired and very unhappy.
#1. My new supervisor. This chick gets on my nerves so much! Let us count the ways:
A) She has WAY less experience than I do:
1. I have been an educator or in education for like 12 years now. This girl has 4 years in.
2. She got her job as a favor. She and I held similar positions last year (I do more work than her and, I get paid more!). She left to go to graduate school (to get one of the degrees I already hold). She COULDN'T GET IN! So, our supervisor MADE UP a position for her so that she could have a job until she takes REMEDIAL classes to be able to get into Grad School. (Mmmmmmmmm)
3. She has no command of the English language. Now, I know that in this blog I make many mistakes but, this is my personal who gives a shit writing. This woman writes things like (actually taken from a circulated memo) "In which capacitye will these supplies be used in". WTF!?!!!
4. She pretends to know EVERYTHING. Our programs are funded by grants given by the city. A group of our children are funded by one agency, lets call the agency ABC. Another group of children are funded by another agency, lets call it XYZ. Children from XYZ agency receive supper every evening and food is provided to them if they go on trips. Agency ABC does not provide food but will reimburse you if you buy food for the children. So, children funded by agency ABC were going on a trip. She says, " I wonder if XYZ will give food to the children going on the trip". I say, "No, the children going on the trip are funded by ABC", she says, " I KNOW that." Uh, then why would you ask such a dumb question?
5. She is like the dumbest person EVER. I am a salaried employee. If I work 30 hours, if I work 75 hours, I get the same amount. My assistant, is not a salaried worker. So, she gets paid by the hour, goes into overtime, time and a half, etc. The supervisor says, (in a whiny, annoying voice), "Um, S, I don't understand why T worked 65 hours last week". I answer, "Well, I worked 70 hours last week and she was you know, assisting me." She says, "Well, I know sometimes you guys hang out in the office." I interrupt, "HANG OUT? In the office? Seriously? I may hang out at a restaurant or a club but, I certainly do not hang out in the office. What I do there is work." She says, "Well, I want her to stick to her schedule as much as possible. I understand you have things to do but try to use her more during the hours she is supposed to report to work". Uh, okay.
6. Did I mention how annoying she was?
7. She couldn't do the job I currently do. Three years ago, she ran the programs I currently run. Correction, I run two other programs in addition to the ones she ran. She couldn't handle it and (I know I'm going to hell for saying this but I don't care), she cracked under the pressure. Like she LITERALLY nutted it up. (That's why I mentioned faking a nervous breakdown. Going crazy helped her, she was given a sweeter, easier position, prior to the one she currently has).
8. She says dumb things like, "Let me think about that" when I ask her a question when we both know what she really is going to do is ask our head supervisor. Why can't she just say, "I'll ask C" because I ALREADY know that's what she is going to do.
9. She likes to question all of my decisions. Mind you, she just became my supervisor like a few weeks ago. I've been running these programs since the school year began without incident now, all of a sudden, she all, "Why did you do that?" "How do you feel about that decision?" She LOVES to say things like, "When I ran those programs..." or "When I held your postion..." I ALWAYS want to answer, "You mean when you nutted it up and were hospitalized over kids? You mean those times? Mmmmm? STFU _itch
10. She STARES at me. We're having a conference, I look up and she is staring in my face. We are in a city wide conference, there are literally hundreds of people in a room, I look up and guess who is looking back? This chick is scary.
2.10.2008
Another my job sucks post
My job sucks so much that for much of this weekend, all I've been thinking about is how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. On Friday, I thought, I don't want to go to work Monday, yesterday, I spoke about it for like two hours and tonight when I looked up and saw it was 9 o'clock, I nearly cried. Work, sucks so much.
If I quit my job right now, I have about 5 months worth of money to live on but after being unemployed before, its something I don't want to chance. But, I'm going to go crazy if I have to go to that horrible place everyday like, I really am. Thinking about not wanting to go to work two days before I have to go is horrible, really, really horrible.
I'm seriously thinking of faking a nervous break down or something so that I can go on leave.
This shit sucks.
If I quit my job right now, I have about 5 months worth of money to live on but after being unemployed before, its something I don't want to chance. But, I'm going to go crazy if I have to go to that horrible place everyday like, I really am. Thinking about not wanting to go to work two days before I have to go is horrible, really, really horrible.
I'm seriously thinking of faking a nervous break down or something so that I can go on leave.
This shit sucks.
2.04.2008
So get this:
The girl that the Brit was running around with is all over MySpace (I know I'm too old for MySpace but, everyone has an account) blasting how much she's in love with him and how great things are for them. I didn't know I cared until I saw her blogging about it like it was this great and wonderful thing.
Mind you after we found about one another, she was trying to be my friend, talking "Sis, we should hang out, blah, blah, blah" I was like, "nah, that's aiight" cause you know, I don't know that chick, what I look like hanging out with the next chick?
Then she was on this, "maybe you should forgive him, you were with him first, blah, blah, blah, you know how guys are, maybe he just made a mistake, see where it goes, blah, blah, blah". I mean, we realy had a couple of conversations about this nig and now, she's so in love with him?
What the crap is that about?
Mind you after we found about one another, she was trying to be my friend, talking "Sis, we should hang out, blah, blah, blah" I was like, "nah, that's aiight" cause you know, I don't know that chick, what I look like hanging out with the next chick?
Then she was on this, "maybe you should forgive him, you were with him first, blah, blah, blah, you know how guys are, maybe he just made a mistake, see where it goes, blah, blah, blah". I mean, we realy had a couple of conversations about this nig and now, she's so in love with him?
What the crap is that about?
2.01.2008
I might be moving!
So, as though life isn't exciting enough, I might be moving soon. See, for the past few months or so, my house has had some serious issues. I was in the process of renovating, which was going over quite well but then, this:
happened. What the hell is that you ask? THAT, my friends is water damage. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, in the midst of all of my decorating, renovating and rearranging, water has been creeping in through the facade of the house. So, one day I go to remove my curtains after purchasing some nifty match stick blinds from a very nice home design store and (whatever noise crumbling plaster makes), there's a hole in my wall. I call the guy who fixes these things and SURPRISE, the entire back wall needs to be replaced. Isn't that special? So, 4,000 bucks and lots of plaster, dust and horrible smelling men later, this:
happens.
What the hell is that you ask? That is my bedroom ceiling, right over the lovely fireplace. One day, I'm straightening up, I look up and see a crack in the ceiling. Oooo, a crack in the ceiling I think, I better call that guy. But then I saw shoes or a bag or got hungry or something and forgot. So, on some other day, Sam and I are doing who knows what in the bedroom, for arguments sake, lets just say we're dancing. Sam looks up at the ceiling and hauls ass into the next room and since it is Black folks policy to run first ask questions later, I followed suit. No less than 45 seconds (or so) later, boom, the ceiling falls. 1,550 bucks later and sweating, unappealing men in my bedroom and all fixed.
Great! So, I decide its time to have a house inspection, don't want anymore surprises. House passes inspection, only minor things need to be fixed, fine.
So yesterday, I'm home, I'm sick, I'm laying in bed and Sam keeps barking. Shut up Sam! I'm calling him all kinds of names that one can only make up when they are sick, have a 102 temperature and are tired of hearing their little (but very loud mouthed dog) bark continuously for two hours. Finally, I get up to investigate. There is water dripping from my tenants house, into my studio and like half my ceiling is wet. Oh F! This is the last thing I want to deal with because you know, I'm sick and stuff. I call my tenants, they are not home. I call their cell phones, no answer. I call that guy, no answer. Oh F!! I call The Heavenly One because I, with my 102 temperature am not equipped to deal with this foolishness. So, I get back in the bed thinking everything will be fine. I wake up to THO shaking me, the leak has gotten worse and she hasn't gotten in touch with anyone to do anything about the leak. Oh F! As a last ditch attempt, I call Mysterious Ex because he owns a home, knows lots of folks who fix things, has gotten me people to fix things in my house before and I'M SICK, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! So, ME gets in touch with this guy who did my water main like three years ago (wow, it still amazes me that ME and I have known each other for so long, though you know, we're not speaking anymore) so, the guy calls and says he'll be over in about an hour. Great! I get back in the bed, The Heavenly One goes downstairs to drink tea or watch tv or whatever, at that point, I really didn't care. So, Sam and I climb back into bed and BAM! this happens:
The biggest and scariest one yet.
So, I kind of feel like my house is crumbling all around me. I'm going to have workers come in and do lots of work. I mean really, the house was built in 1910, its bound to have some issues, I just think its kond of weird that this all seems to be happening like this.
So, here is the deal: my cousin owns a condo in tres chic Williamsburg. The maintenance is only 500 a month, taxes, 1100 a year so, I would give her 600 a month to cover all of that. Gas, light and electricity and included. (sweet!) I mean, her place is a lot smaller than mine. I'm leaving a whole house for a two bedroom. Sam will be really upset because right now when I go to work, I just walk him down the street to THO's where he stays for the day with her and her dog and, I REALLY like my neighborhood. Its really cool and eclectic and there are cool new things popping up every weekend.
Truthfully at this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could move in with THO, she has a vacant apartment but, then I'd live with MY MOM, at 30! I don't want to upset Sam's life, I know that he'll be very upset, and probably bark all day, bothering the neighbors and such. I may:
a) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, live at my cousin's for the duration then move back
b) do the same but live at THO's
c) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, rent out my part of the house, stay at my cousin's then use the equity and extra money to by anothe house
d) not do any work (which is expensive btw) and sell my house, which has been getting on my nerves lately and get another house or condo
All in all, this really bothers me because, my job sucks, I'm still sick (I have a respitory infection) and, who wants to move?
So, I'm nut sure. Part of me wants to move because its something different and I'm always down for change however, one thing that sticks in my head is Sam. I work pretty weird hours, 10 -6 which means I'm out of the house usually between 9 - 7 and if something goes down at a school, I'm easily out in the street until about 10. I can't do that to Booger-Man. He's very accustomed to being with my mom and her dog where he plays in the yards, has a little bed and more importantly, has regular company. My nutty mother even makes her doctor's appointments INSANELY early so that the dogs are not by themselves for too long. It may seem weird to have a dog be such a factor in my decision but Sam is my baby boy, I want him to be happy.
Also, I'm not sure if there's a strong black, neo-soul, vintage-y, artsy, underground clique there, (we are STRONG in the Stuy) plus, its just cool living in Bed Stuy, W'burgh really isn't supposed to be that cool anymore.
So, I have a lot of decisions to make. I don't want to stay at my job, I may want to move, there's so much to think about.
happened. What the hell is that you ask? THAT, my friends is water damage. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, in the midst of all of my decorating, renovating and rearranging, water has been creeping in through the facade of the house. So, one day I go to remove my curtains after purchasing some nifty match stick blinds from a very nice home design store and (whatever noise crumbling plaster makes), there's a hole in my wall. I call the guy who fixes these things and SURPRISE, the entire back wall needs to be replaced. Isn't that special? So, 4,000 bucks and lots of plaster, dust and horrible smelling men later, this:
happens.
What the hell is that you ask? That is my bedroom ceiling, right over the lovely fireplace. One day, I'm straightening up, I look up and see a crack in the ceiling. Oooo, a crack in the ceiling I think, I better call that guy. But then I saw shoes or a bag or got hungry or something and forgot. So, on some other day, Sam and I are doing who knows what in the bedroom, for arguments sake, lets just say we're dancing. Sam looks up at the ceiling and hauls ass into the next room and since it is Black folks policy to run first ask questions later, I followed suit. No less than 45 seconds (or so) later, boom, the ceiling falls. 1,550 bucks later and sweating, unappealing men in my bedroom and all fixed.
Great! So, I decide its time to have a house inspection, don't want anymore surprises. House passes inspection, only minor things need to be fixed, fine.
So yesterday, I'm home, I'm sick, I'm laying in bed and Sam keeps barking. Shut up Sam! I'm calling him all kinds of names that one can only make up when they are sick, have a 102 temperature and are tired of hearing their little (but very loud mouthed dog) bark continuously for two hours. Finally, I get up to investigate. There is water dripping from my tenants house, into my studio and like half my ceiling is wet. Oh F! This is the last thing I want to deal with because you know, I'm sick and stuff. I call my tenants, they are not home. I call their cell phones, no answer. I call that guy, no answer. Oh F!! I call The Heavenly One because I, with my 102 temperature am not equipped to deal with this foolishness. So, I get back in the bed thinking everything will be fine. I wake up to THO shaking me, the leak has gotten worse and she hasn't gotten in touch with anyone to do anything about the leak. Oh F! As a last ditch attempt, I call Mysterious Ex because he owns a home, knows lots of folks who fix things, has gotten me people to fix things in my house before and I'M SICK, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! So, ME gets in touch with this guy who did my water main like three years ago (wow, it still amazes me that ME and I have known each other for so long, though you know, we're not speaking anymore) so, the guy calls and says he'll be over in about an hour. Great! I get back in the bed, The Heavenly One goes downstairs to drink tea or watch tv or whatever, at that point, I really didn't care. So, Sam and I climb back into bed and BAM! this happens:
The biggest and scariest one yet.
So, I kind of feel like my house is crumbling all around me. I'm going to have workers come in and do lots of work. I mean really, the house was built in 1910, its bound to have some issues, I just think its kond of weird that this all seems to be happening like this.
So, here is the deal: my cousin owns a condo in tres chic Williamsburg. The maintenance is only 500 a month, taxes, 1100 a year so, I would give her 600 a month to cover all of that. Gas, light and electricity and included. (sweet!) I mean, her place is a lot smaller than mine. I'm leaving a whole house for a two bedroom. Sam will be really upset because right now when I go to work, I just walk him down the street to THO's where he stays for the day with her and her dog and, I REALLY like my neighborhood. Its really cool and eclectic and there are cool new things popping up every weekend.
Truthfully at this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could move in with THO, she has a vacant apartment but, then I'd live with MY MOM, at 30! I don't want to upset Sam's life, I know that he'll be very upset, and probably bark all day, bothering the neighbors and such. I may:
a) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, live at my cousin's for the duration then move back
b) do the same but live at THO's
c) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, rent out my part of the house, stay at my cousin's then use the equity and extra money to by anothe house
d) not do any work (which is expensive btw) and sell my house, which has been getting on my nerves lately and get another house or condo
All in all, this really bothers me because, my job sucks, I'm still sick (I have a respitory infection) and, who wants to move?
So, I'm nut sure. Part of me wants to move because its something different and I'm always down for change however, one thing that sticks in my head is Sam. I work pretty weird hours, 10 -6 which means I'm out of the house usually between 9 - 7 and if something goes down at a school, I'm easily out in the street until about 10. I can't do that to Booger-Man. He's very accustomed to being with my mom and her dog where he plays in the yards, has a little bed and more importantly, has regular company. My nutty mother even makes her doctor's appointments INSANELY early so that the dogs are not by themselves for too long. It may seem weird to have a dog be such a factor in my decision but Sam is my baby boy, I want him to be happy.
Also, I'm not sure if there's a strong black, neo-soul, vintage-y, artsy, underground clique there, (we are STRONG in the Stuy) plus, its just cool living in Bed Stuy, W'burgh really isn't supposed to be that cool anymore.
So, I have a lot of decisions to make. I don't want to stay at my job, I may want to move, there's so much to think about.
1.28.2008
I think I'm ready to quit my job
I'm ready for something new. Believe me, a chick likes her regular paycheck. Not having a job a while back was not cool at all but, I'm tired, I'm through. That incident last week was enough for me. Here I sit at 9 in the morning sitting when I should be getting ready to leave the house. I called in and said I was going to be three hours late because I just don't want to go.
I'm ready for a change.
I'm ready for a change.
1.24.2008
Work Sucks
My job is sooooo stressful. I am just getting home (well, about a half hour ago) because there was some big fight after a basketball game that I had to investigate. This is the third big fight since the beginning of the New Year. I am tired of these kids. They fight over the dumbest things, "she looked at my boyfriend", "he said my mother is ugly", "I think he said my brother is gay". And I mean REALLY fight like trying to stab each other with pens, hit each other with garbage cans, or in the case of tonight, threatening to run home and get a gun. I. Think. I. Am. Done. Time to find a new job. My head hurts.
1.06.2008
I am feeling so much better now.
First, thank you to everyone for your kind words, suggestions and even for just taking the time to read what I have to write. You people rock.
So, this weekend was a good one.
Yesterday, I ran the street. I went to see a friend perform at a small place in Lower Manhattan then, I came back to the Stuy to catch a craft fair. I wanted to buy a crocheted hat but by the time I got there, there wasn't anything left. That sucked. (I have to up my crocheting game, it would be great to make my own stuff). Then, I went to a friend's store and bought the greatest bag I've bought in two weeks, the last being this green crocodile (I know, I felt bad for the crocodile too but, this bag is RIDICULOUS!) number that is... I have no words.
When I got home last night, I was sooooooooo hungry. It was ridiculous so, I ordered a pizza from dominos, right online, it was so easy, it was scary. I can just see myself now ordering pizzas at 2 in the morning online. So there, like 1 in the morning, I'm sitting on the floor with Sam and the cat (Sebastian) eating hot wings and pepperoni, onion, black olive, meatball, ham, green pepper pizza, which coincidentally became my breakfast, lunch and dinner today too.
Today, I did NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
In an attempt to make new friends, I joined a Crafting group. A bunch of people who get together to, I guess, talk about crafting and art and share their work. Sounds cool. We were supposed to meet at a local restaurant for brunch this afternoon but, I didn't do that becuase I did NOTHING. I ate, I drank juice, I shuffled around a bit, I tried to take a nap but the cat kept jumping around so that was a no go, I ate some more, drank some more, plucked my eyebrows and managed to half wash my hair (I promise to do some au napturale updates as a few people have asked me to) and other than that, I did nothing.
So, my friend, the one who owns the store, and I were talking about the Brit yesterday. She thinks I should have a sit down talk with him as she says she REALLY likes him and thinks it is the duty of most men to act a fool. She brings up the point that he was really nice to me and how well he and I got along to prove her case. She feels if our talk goes well, I should give him another chance and then see how things go. She poins out the fact that I've given Ian (Mysterious Ex) 3-4 years of try agains. I pointed out that M.E. never had another woman involved in our relationship (not that I recall) our foolishness was OUR foolishness (or rather his). I'm not sure how I feel about speaking with the Brit face to face. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of giving him another chance. Honesty is very important to me. The weird thing is, if he had just told me, I dig you but I'd like to see other people, this entire situation wouldn't bother me that much, not at all but, the fact that he INSISTED that we be exclusive then I find out he's chatting up other chicks and running around town with some other broad, I just can't deal with that.
So, this same friend wants to hook me up with her cousin. Her cousin is a chef, a nice guy, I've known him or a bit of time. He actually came to the Christmas party I threw a few weeks back. He's tall, works at some fancy restaurant in the city and has his own catering business. He's nice looking, very nice looking, tall, owns a brownstone (in a nicer part of the Stuy than I do, not that I'm a gold digger but, his house HAS to be worth like 850 now) and apparently, he digs me.
Now, I'll rewind, over the summer, in the midst of the M.E. stuff right around the time I met the Brit, my friend, we'll call her B, kept talking about her cousin A. "You should meet A." "Wait 'til he sees you, you're his type." "He needs a good woman in his life." etc. We met probably in September but, I was real deep into the Brit so, he was just some dude, I wasn't very interested. At my Christmas party, he sat near me when I sat down. When he came and when he left, he gave me this big hug. He was checking out my stuff, he complimented my taste in furniture, my newly renovated kitchen (which is FINALLY done, and remember, he's a chef so a compliment on the kitchen is a BIG thing) and, the last time I saw him, I asked "how are you?" and he answered, (I SWEAR!) "much better now that I'm in your presence", (he was holding my hand in BOTH his hands and looking RIGHT into my eyes when he said this) of course I just giggled and said "go on" like the good girl I am, hee hee. Then, when I left, he gave me apeck on the cheek. B says he's a bit intimidated by me because I'm young (I'm 30, he's 42). He thinks:
A) I'll think he's too old for me
B) I'm cute (he thinks I'm cute!) and I have a bunch of men in my wait
C) I'm career oriented (men think anyone not working at McDonalds is career oriented) and may not want a relationship
Someone told me he was talking about me not very long ago (maybe a week). According to this person he went on about how intelligent and stylish I am, how I have great taste and how I'm a "good girl" cause he sees me with my mom, with Sam and doing nice wholesome activities. I thought the "wholesome activities" part was hilarious.
So, I have his number. I was thinking of calling him but, I've never called a man first, what do I say? What do we talk about? Do I just ask him out? I'm not sure. I'd like to be bad ass and call him, set up a date and everything but truthfully, I'm not that bad ass, at least I don't think I am. As sad as I was the other day, I'm not going to let that get me down for long. I'm going to keep moving.
So, this weekend was a good one.
Yesterday, I ran the street. I went to see a friend perform at a small place in Lower Manhattan then, I came back to the Stuy to catch a craft fair. I wanted to buy a crocheted hat but by the time I got there, there wasn't anything left. That sucked. (I have to up my crocheting game, it would be great to make my own stuff). Then, I went to a friend's store and bought the greatest bag I've bought in two weeks, the last being this green crocodile (I know, I felt bad for the crocodile too but, this bag is RIDICULOUS!) number that is... I have no words.
When I got home last night, I was sooooooooo hungry. It was ridiculous so, I ordered a pizza from dominos, right online, it was so easy, it was scary. I can just see myself now ordering pizzas at 2 in the morning online. So there, like 1 in the morning, I'm sitting on the floor with Sam and the cat (Sebastian) eating hot wings and pepperoni, onion, black olive, meatball, ham, green pepper pizza, which coincidentally became my breakfast, lunch and dinner today too.
Today, I did NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!
In an attempt to make new friends, I joined a Crafting group. A bunch of people who get together to, I guess, talk about crafting and art and share their work. Sounds cool. We were supposed to meet at a local restaurant for brunch this afternoon but, I didn't do that becuase I did NOTHING. I ate, I drank juice, I shuffled around a bit, I tried to take a nap but the cat kept jumping around so that was a no go, I ate some more, drank some more, plucked my eyebrows and managed to half wash my hair (I promise to do some au napturale updates as a few people have asked me to) and other than that, I did nothing.
So, my friend, the one who owns the store, and I were talking about the Brit yesterday. She thinks I should have a sit down talk with him as she says she REALLY likes him and thinks it is the duty of most men to act a fool. She brings up the point that he was really nice to me and how well he and I got along to prove her case. She feels if our talk goes well, I should give him another chance and then see how things go. She poins out the fact that I've given Ian (Mysterious Ex) 3-4 years of try agains. I pointed out that M.E. never had another woman involved in our relationship (not that I recall) our foolishness was OUR foolishness (or rather his). I'm not sure how I feel about speaking with the Brit face to face. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of giving him another chance. Honesty is very important to me. The weird thing is, if he had just told me, I dig you but I'd like to see other people, this entire situation wouldn't bother me that much, not at all but, the fact that he INSISTED that we be exclusive then I find out he's chatting up other chicks and running around town with some other broad, I just can't deal with that.
So, this same friend wants to hook me up with her cousin. Her cousin is a chef, a nice guy, I've known him or a bit of time. He actually came to the Christmas party I threw a few weeks back. He's tall, works at some fancy restaurant in the city and has his own catering business. He's nice looking, very nice looking, tall, owns a brownstone (in a nicer part of the Stuy than I do, not that I'm a gold digger but, his house HAS to be worth like 850 now) and apparently, he digs me.
Now, I'll rewind, over the summer, in the midst of the M.E. stuff right around the time I met the Brit, my friend, we'll call her B, kept talking about her cousin A. "You should meet A." "Wait 'til he sees you, you're his type." "He needs a good woman in his life." etc. We met probably in September but, I was real deep into the Brit so, he was just some dude, I wasn't very interested. At my Christmas party, he sat near me when I sat down. When he came and when he left, he gave me this big hug. He was checking out my stuff, he complimented my taste in furniture, my newly renovated kitchen (which is FINALLY done, and remember, he's a chef so a compliment on the kitchen is a BIG thing) and, the last time I saw him, I asked "how are you?" and he answered, (I SWEAR!) "much better now that I'm in your presence", (he was holding my hand in BOTH his hands and looking RIGHT into my eyes when he said this) of course I just giggled and said "go on" like the good girl I am, hee hee. Then, when I left, he gave me apeck on the cheek. B says he's a bit intimidated by me because I'm young (I'm 30, he's 42). He thinks:
A) I'll think he's too old for me
B) I'm cute (he thinks I'm cute!) and I have a bunch of men in my wait
C) I'm career oriented (men think anyone not working at McDonalds is career oriented) and may not want a relationship
Someone told me he was talking about me not very long ago (maybe a week). According to this person he went on about how intelligent and stylish I am, how I have great taste and how I'm a "good girl" cause he sees me with my mom, with Sam and doing nice wholesome activities. I thought the "wholesome activities" part was hilarious.
So, I have his number. I was thinking of calling him but, I've never called a man first, what do I say? What do we talk about? Do I just ask him out? I'm not sure. I'd like to be bad ass and call him, set up a date and everything but truthfully, I'm not that bad ass, at least I don't think I am. As sad as I was the other day, I'm not going to let that get me down for long. I'm going to keep moving.
1.02.2008
A New Year
I am trying to remain positive and be upbeat. When I am with other people, it is very easy, I laugh, make jokes, enjoy being around them but, when I am by myself, it hurts a lot and admittedly, I have been crying a lot. I just finished crying as a matter of fact. It doesn't make me feel much better but, it does feel as though some heaviness has been alleviated, even if only for a little bit of time.
I continuously try to see the good in people but, it is very hard when I always come across people that I can't seem to find much good in.
I spoke briefly wih the Brit and (surprise!) I spoke with the other girl. He keeps pledging all of this love and affection for me, telling me that he wants me, wants to be with me but apparently, he's been telling this girl the same things.
I am convinced there is something wrong with me. It is IMPOSSIBLE that one person can continuously run into the same foolishness time and time again. I even found myself texting Ian (Mysterious Ex) tonight. Yeah, it got THAT bad. I'm not sure what hearing from him is supposed to do for me but admittedly, I am just very lonely very tired and very hurt. I'm not sure how much more I have to give to anyone. Myself included.
I continuously try to see the good in people but, it is very hard when I always come across people that I can't seem to find much good in.
I spoke briefly wih the Brit and (surprise!) I spoke with the other girl. He keeps pledging all of this love and affection for me, telling me that he wants me, wants to be with me but apparently, he's been telling this girl the same things.
I am convinced there is something wrong with me. It is IMPOSSIBLE that one person can continuously run into the same foolishness time and time again. I even found myself texting Ian (Mysterious Ex) tonight. Yeah, it got THAT bad. I'm not sure what hearing from him is supposed to do for me but admittedly, I am just very lonely very tired and very hurt. I'm not sure how much more I have to give to anyone. Myself included.
12.20.2007
12.19.2007
So...
I'm 30, yay! Not much has changed, not that I expected it to. Work is work, life is life, Sam is Sam. I'm not really sure what's going on with the Brit. As nice and sweet and charming as he seemed, it seems I wasn't the only woman he is being nice and sweet and charming to. We haven't spoken in a few weeks, things just got really weird. At first, it didn't bother me much, at least I tried not to let it do so but, las night, I laid in bed and I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried. It really hurt and I did my best to let it all out.
Tonight I had to go to a function and my mom, The Heavenly One, being the suportive can of wonderful she is came out to be supportive of me. At the function, other women my age were there with their husbands, fiancees and that hurt a lot. I'm just tired still of the same old shit, the same old experiences, the same old nothing.
I have reassessed myself and my life, my thoughts, my actions and I can honestly say, I don't think I'm doing anything entirely wrong to keep attracting all of this bullshit and horribleness into my life. I even spoke to Ian (Mysterious Ex) about whats going on with me and even that dude was like, honestly, you're really really great, you're a wonderful person, you're a good woman, I just think men don't know what to do with you. You make people think about all of the things they are lacking in their lives, you're just really well put together, at least, that's the way I saw it, like I couldn't give you anything you didn't already have. So, I'm back to that shit. Too good for my own good I guess. Its just sad, I'm not really sure what else to say so, I'll leave it at that.
Tonight I had to go to a function and my mom, The Heavenly One, being the suportive can of wonderful she is came out to be supportive of me. At the function, other women my age were there with their husbands, fiancees and that hurt a lot. I'm just tired still of the same old shit, the same old experiences, the same old nothing.
I have reassessed myself and my life, my thoughts, my actions and I can honestly say, I don't think I'm doing anything entirely wrong to keep attracting all of this bullshit and horribleness into my life. I even spoke to Ian (Mysterious Ex) about whats going on with me and even that dude was like, honestly, you're really really great, you're a wonderful person, you're a good woman, I just think men don't know what to do with you. You make people think about all of the things they are lacking in their lives, you're just really well put together, at least, that's the way I saw it, like I couldn't give you anything you didn't already have. So, I'm back to that shit. Too good for my own good I guess. Its just sad, I'm not really sure what else to say so, I'll leave it at that.
11.22.2007
4 Days until my birthday
Its Thanksgiving and everyone is at my place. What does it say that they are all in the kitchen and dining room and I am in the office typing this?
I feel a little distant today. A bit not here. I tried to laugh and talk but, it wasn't coming so freely so, I'm in here typing this and listening to Jill Scott's newest album.
My Brit is back in England. Sadly, his sister was hurt in a car accident. His entire family went back home from all over the world. He says she isn't too bad but, he hasn't given me any details as of yet.
I'm not sure how I feel about turning thirty. I mean, of course I prefer it to the alternative but, it kind of reminds me of all the things I though I would do by thirty that I still haven't done. Well, actually, the biggest thing which is/was get married and have babies. I don't want to harp on that again. But, I'm honest with myself and honestly, I really feel that is what is bothering me today. I guess being around my family and seeing everyone with their significant other and their babies, makes me kind of sad. Partially, I was looking forward to spending this weekend, my nirthday weekend and the holiday with the Brit but, since he is not here, that isn't going to be a possibility. I don't want to sound upset, I do understand that his sister is in not very good shape and needs the support of her family at this time but, it would have been nice to actually spend a birthday with someone I enjoyed.
Ian (Mysterious Ex) called me last night and this morning. I just let the phone ring. I'm not sure of his purpose in calling me but, I just wan't in the mood to listen to whatever foolishness he felt like throwing at me. I'm through with him and his bullshit.
So, as of right now, I don't have any plans for my birthday, poor me. I guess I'll think of something.
I feel a little distant today. A bit not here. I tried to laugh and talk but, it wasn't coming so freely so, I'm in here typing this and listening to Jill Scott's newest album.
My Brit is back in England. Sadly, his sister was hurt in a car accident. His entire family went back home from all over the world. He says she isn't too bad but, he hasn't given me any details as of yet.
I'm not sure how I feel about turning thirty. I mean, of course I prefer it to the alternative but, it kind of reminds me of all the things I though I would do by thirty that I still haven't done. Well, actually, the biggest thing which is/was get married and have babies. I don't want to harp on that again. But, I'm honest with myself and honestly, I really feel that is what is bothering me today. I guess being around my family and seeing everyone with their significant other and their babies, makes me kind of sad. Partially, I was looking forward to spending this weekend, my nirthday weekend and the holiday with the Brit but, since he is not here, that isn't going to be a possibility. I don't want to sound upset, I do understand that his sister is in not very good shape and needs the support of her family at this time but, it would have been nice to actually spend a birthday with someone I enjoyed.
Ian (Mysterious Ex) called me last night and this morning. I just let the phone ring. I'm not sure of his purpose in calling me but, I just wan't in the mood to listen to whatever foolishness he felt like throwing at me. I'm through with him and his bullshit.
So, as of right now, I don't have any plans for my birthday, poor me. I guess I'll think of something.
11.14.2007
12 days to go until my birthday
and all continues to be well. Believe it or not, Mysterious Ex, tried to come back on the scene. He called me one day to ask how I was doing and since he is a computer whiz, I asked about an external hard drive. He said he would pick one up for me and never the one to deny free crap, I said okay. He came over to drop off the hard drive. We hugged, he kissed me on my forehead, we spoke for a few minutes and then out of no where he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, he knows taht for years he's been back and forth, in and out of my life but this time, he was sure, he knew more than anything else in this world that he wanted to be with me. And... he CRIED. HE CRIED ACTUAL TEARS. I just looked at him because I was so shocked. I know for a fact that a year ago, two years ago, hell, a few months ago had he come up with this charade of his, I would have been happier than Sam after a good roll inthe dirt but, I looked at him, told him I was flattered but, "it" wasn't there anymore. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you" I told him but, we are not to be, I'm okay now. And, I've been correct. Of course, I care for him, I love him, I want him to be happy but, I don't want him, not anymore. So, after four long, hard years, the thing with Ian (Mysterious Ex, M.E.) is REALLY over.
Things with The Brit have been GREAT! I ADORE him. He has been such a gentleman, so wonderful, so kind, so sweet, so honest and real. It truly is a pleasure to know him, spend time with him, exchange emails with him even just thinking about him. I know I sound mushy but, I don't care. I am in deep like, he says he is in love but, we'll see how things progress.
I am proud to say that I have stopped all of the foolishness from last month even though admittedly, sometimes it is slightly hard, I won't lie. I often get the urge to NOT accept his compliments or NOT allow him to adore me but, I remind myself to just relax, enjoy the moment and go with the flow. Today, we were exchanging emails during working hours and I told him "I like you. A lot." He answers "I LOVE you." I answer, "Go on" he answers, "I'm serious. I'm going to love you, worship you to my dying day. Seriously." Eek! Makes a girl want to squeal. But sincerely, it is wonderful to be part of something so sweet and gentle. I've had a lot of foolishness in my life and this is a very welcome change. As stated before, even if nothing comes of this I am enjoying this moment. I am enjoying this now.
Things with The Brit have been GREAT! I ADORE him. He has been such a gentleman, so wonderful, so kind, so sweet, so honest and real. It truly is a pleasure to know him, spend time with him, exchange emails with him even just thinking about him. I know I sound mushy but, I don't care. I am in deep like, he says he is in love but, we'll see how things progress.
I am proud to say that I have stopped all of the foolishness from last month even though admittedly, sometimes it is slightly hard, I won't lie. I often get the urge to NOT accept his compliments or NOT allow him to adore me but, I remind myself to just relax, enjoy the moment and go with the flow. Today, we were exchanging emails during working hours and I told him "I like you. A lot." He answers "I LOVE you." I answer, "Go on" he answers, "I'm serious. I'm going to love you, worship you to my dying day. Seriously." Eek! Makes a girl want to squeal. But sincerely, it is wonderful to be part of something so sweet and gentle. I've had a lot of foolishness in my life and this is a very welcome change. As stated before, even if nothing comes of this I am enjoying this moment. I am enjoying this now.
10.25.2007
One month and one day to go
until my 30th birthday. What joy. :| So, life has been... okay I suppose. Though I haven't much to complain about. I am healthy, happy, and still ravishing as ever (joking of course). The new position is going well though, I am busy as crap every day. I took my locs out since my hair didn't seem to be locking properly. I haven't given Sam a hair cut in about a month so, his hair is longer than its been in a really long time. I've bought the most fabulous fall clothes since it sincerely looks like I'll never get into a size 16/18 again. But, I'm even okay with that. My bum is looking rather scrumptious if I do say so myself since I've found the most comfortable heels and can wear them for longer periods of the day than I normally wear three to four inchers.
Things with the new guy have been honestly...okay. Well, let me re-phrase, things between us are going VERY well. He's very bright, really nice, cute and has the hugest, nappiest afro ever (which I LOVE). He's such a fashionista (maybe fashionisto since, you know, he's a guy) and continuously recognizes when I am wearing quality, vintage, artsy items AND compliments me on them (which I REALLY LOVE). He's considerate, and kind, and sweet, and honestly, I haven't been treated so kindly by another person in a REALLY long time. It's sad to say but, I FORGOT how it felt to be treated with such kindness, and spoken to so gently, and appreciated, and even handled so well. It truly has been a pleasure.
Now, the bad part, and I can honestly say, it comes from me this time, I am woman enough to admit it. About two weeks or so ago, he and I went out to dinner, he came to pick me up, and we went to this great place in my neighborhood. An older friend of mine (this woman is talented, funny, ridiculously smart and, SOOOOO intuitive, she is a great friend/auntie) owns a store about a block away from the restaurant so we went to visit her briefly before we went to eat. I introduced them, she gave me a big hug and kiss, we spoke for about five minutes, then, we went out the door. Last week, about a week later, I go visit her again and she asks, "where is S?" (he is in London currently, oh, yes, he is British), I tell her he is away. When are you going to get him back here? She asks. I laugh and ask Why? Because, she says, that man is your husband. I laugh and laugh you know, because it was sort of funny to me, not in a ewww, he can't be MY husband type of way, but in a oh, go on girl type way. So, she says, honey, I'm not playing with you, when that man gets back here, you do what he says and wrap that up, he is for you, you are for him. But, she tells me, you have to trust, I know its hard but trust him, he is sincere. Then, she goes on to describe something that made me really reflect on myself. She says, last week when y'all were here, when you all were leaving, he reached out for your arm to help you down the stairs, and you grabbed your purse instead of allowing him to help you. The poor man didn't know what to do so, he put his hand in his pocket. I hadn't realized I did that. Then, she continues, I watched you as you went down the street, and you kept your hands to yourself, you didn't reach out to him, touch him, you didn't walk "into" him as you should, don't chase this man away, he's good, I like him a hell of a lot better than any of them other ones I've seen you with. This really made me think. Then I thought of all of the times he's pulled out my chair and I told him he didn't have to. Or when he's gone to open the car door for me and I've told him it was okay. Or, any of the times when in the midst of conversation he's commented, you are so bright, and I've told him to stop. Or, sometimes when we are just sitting there and he's commented on how beautiful or stylish or wonderful he's found me and I've said stop again. Then, I thought of how he told me, he likes to send me email because he can say all of the things he wants to tell me without me stopping or hushing him.
So, have I been changed in some way by all of the horrible men I've dated? I guess the answer would be of course! Have I been so conditioned to accepting bullshit that when a sincere, nice and wonderful person shows up, I can't accept it as it is? I am not one of those women who will say "he's too nice" but, am I trying to get him to play down his niceness? And, why is his being nice, appreciative, affectionate, kind, so disturbing to me? Why can't I allow him to be who he wants to be? I am in turn, being like all of those men I've dated in the past who tried to take me from my element or downplay the person that I am. The ones that I've complained about and not understood. That is now me. He's has been away for a bit over a week now and we have spoken, exchanged email. I've promised to myself, to NOT be that person. I sill not stifle his actions or words AND, I will allow myself to be free to express what I want and how I feel. I've noticed I don't allow myself to do those things, I suppose out of fear of being hurt. This is a learning experience. Whether or not he and I actually go anywhere, I am enjoying the experience NOW. I am relishing in our togetherness for this period. And if nothing else, my spirit has been shaken up a bit. My emotions have been genuinely touched, my thoughts and actions for this period of time are and will be pure. As always, I am going with the flow and taking what I can from this moment.
Things with the new guy have been honestly...okay. Well, let me re-phrase, things between us are going VERY well. He's very bright, really nice, cute and has the hugest, nappiest afro ever (which I LOVE). He's such a fashionista (maybe fashionisto since, you know, he's a guy) and continuously recognizes when I am wearing quality, vintage, artsy items AND compliments me on them (which I REALLY LOVE). He's considerate, and kind, and sweet, and honestly, I haven't been treated so kindly by another person in a REALLY long time. It's sad to say but, I FORGOT how it felt to be treated with such kindness, and spoken to so gently, and appreciated, and even handled so well. It truly has been a pleasure.
Now, the bad part, and I can honestly say, it comes from me this time, I am woman enough to admit it. About two weeks or so ago, he and I went out to dinner, he came to pick me up, and we went to this great place in my neighborhood. An older friend of mine (this woman is talented, funny, ridiculously smart and, SOOOOO intuitive, she is a great friend/auntie) owns a store about a block away from the restaurant so we went to visit her briefly before we went to eat. I introduced them, she gave me a big hug and kiss, we spoke for about five minutes, then, we went out the door. Last week, about a week later, I go visit her again and she asks, "where is S?" (he is in London currently, oh, yes, he is British), I tell her he is away. When are you going to get him back here? She asks. I laugh and ask Why? Because, she says, that man is your husband. I laugh and laugh you know, because it was sort of funny to me, not in a ewww, he can't be MY husband type of way, but in a oh, go on girl type way. So, she says, honey, I'm not playing with you, when that man gets back here, you do what he says and wrap that up, he is for you, you are for him. But, she tells me, you have to trust, I know its hard but trust him, he is sincere. Then, she goes on to describe something that made me really reflect on myself. She says, last week when y'all were here, when you all were leaving, he reached out for your arm to help you down the stairs, and you grabbed your purse instead of allowing him to help you. The poor man didn't know what to do so, he put his hand in his pocket. I hadn't realized I did that. Then, she continues, I watched you as you went down the street, and you kept your hands to yourself, you didn't reach out to him, touch him, you didn't walk "into" him as you should, don't chase this man away, he's good, I like him a hell of a lot better than any of them other ones I've seen you with. This really made me think. Then I thought of all of the times he's pulled out my chair and I told him he didn't have to. Or when he's gone to open the car door for me and I've told him it was okay. Or, any of the times when in the midst of conversation he's commented, you are so bright, and I've told him to stop. Or, sometimes when we are just sitting there and he's commented on how beautiful or stylish or wonderful he's found me and I've said stop again. Then, I thought of how he told me, he likes to send me email because he can say all of the things he wants to tell me without me stopping or hushing him.
So, have I been changed in some way by all of the horrible men I've dated? I guess the answer would be of course! Have I been so conditioned to accepting bullshit that when a sincere, nice and wonderful person shows up, I can't accept it as it is? I am not one of those women who will say "he's too nice" but, am I trying to get him to play down his niceness? And, why is his being nice, appreciative, affectionate, kind, so disturbing to me? Why can't I allow him to be who he wants to be? I am in turn, being like all of those men I've dated in the past who tried to take me from my element or downplay the person that I am. The ones that I've complained about and not understood. That is now me. He's has been away for a bit over a week now and we have spoken, exchanged email. I've promised to myself, to NOT be that person. I sill not stifle his actions or words AND, I will allow myself to be free to express what I want and how I feel. I've noticed I don't allow myself to do those things, I suppose out of fear of being hurt. This is a learning experience. Whether or not he and I actually go anywhere, I am enjoying the experience NOW. I am relishing in our togetherness for this period. And if nothing else, my spirit has been shaken up a bit. My emotions have been genuinely touched, my thoughts and actions for this period of time are and will be pure. As always, I am going with the flow and taking what I can from this moment.
9.26.2007
So...
As predicted by many, myself included, the thing with Mysterious Ex is over. It was mutual though, we are not angry at one another, just knew that things would not work. The last day he was over here, I made dinner (greek salad, veggie pizza and gnocchi with gorgonzola sauce), and while I was heating up the dessert (oversized cinnamon buns), I realized, this isn't going to work. He isn't HIM. Admittedly, this made me a bit sad so, I got in the bed, right while he was here and everything. We spoke a bit then the next day, boom, that's it, we aren't going to try anymore. I just realized that as much as I like/love him, he wasn't ever going to be able to give me what I wanted. It wasn't an idea of me being picky, or demanding or unyielding, it just wasn't for us to be. He wants to be friends but, I am going through the motions of working that out in my head. I am not angry at him but, can I see him as just a friend? Not that I would lust over him or anything but, how would my heart and head react to him? I'm not sure.
So...My new job is SO demanding. Its like, I NEVER have time for lunch. I BARELY have time to pee during the day and the other day, my supervisor asked me to take on an additional site. I really can't do it. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm some kind of super woman, or if she's going to try to milk me until I can't give anymore but, I really can't do it. It honestly is going to be a no, or I quit type of situation too. Case in point, the position that I currently have was held by someone three years ago who had a nervous break down on the job, why? She couldn't handle the pressure. She was replaced by someone who did the job and did it pretty well I might add. Now, I have the position but, in addition to the last person's duties, I am also responsible for the duties of my former position PLUS the new position and she wants me to take on additional duties. It simply isn't possible, it really can't be done, at least not by me. I know when to chip in for the team and when I am being taken advantage of and this to me seems very much as though someone is trying to take advantage of me, something I simply can't allow.
So.. there, as always, is a new guy around. Won't speak too much about it yet because, ya know, shit always goes down. This one is bit differnt though, at least I think so. I'll just have to see.
Also very cool: I went to see Maya Azucena last night!
She performed with Honey LaRochelle at this funky little restaurant in my neighborhood (I don't say this often but, yay! at least slightly to gentrification!). The show was awsome, this is the second time I've gone to see Maya and, she actually came by my table and said hi to me, ( I guess because I clapped when she came in the door) she is super cute (gorgeous really) and very sweet. She and her friend Honey (these girls can sang their asses off, you hear me O-F-F) did a GREAT set of some of their individual songs, then some classics and some of the most awesome freestyles ever! So Yay! I finally got her new CD from her, it was sold out on CD Baby then in the quest for the perfect shoes, coats, bags and redoing my kitchen, I really forgot to pick it up. Check her out!
So...My new job is SO demanding. Its like, I NEVER have time for lunch. I BARELY have time to pee during the day and the other day, my supervisor asked me to take on an additional site. I really can't do it. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm some kind of super woman, or if she's going to try to milk me until I can't give anymore but, I really can't do it. It honestly is going to be a no, or I quit type of situation too. Case in point, the position that I currently have was held by someone three years ago who had a nervous break down on the job, why? She couldn't handle the pressure. She was replaced by someone who did the job and did it pretty well I might add. Now, I have the position but, in addition to the last person's duties, I am also responsible for the duties of my former position PLUS the new position and she wants me to take on additional duties. It simply isn't possible, it really can't be done, at least not by me. I know when to chip in for the team and when I am being taken advantage of and this to me seems very much as though someone is trying to take advantage of me, something I simply can't allow.
So.. there, as always, is a new guy around. Won't speak too much about it yet because, ya know, shit always goes down. This one is bit differnt though, at least I think so. I'll just have to see.
Also very cool: I went to see Maya Azucena last night!
She performed with Honey LaRochelle at this funky little restaurant in my neighborhood (I don't say this often but, yay! at least slightly to gentrification!). The show was awsome, this is the second time I've gone to see Maya and, she actually came by my table and said hi to me, ( I guess because I clapped when she came in the door) she is super cute (gorgeous really) and very sweet. She and her friend Honey (these girls can sang their asses off, you hear me O-F-F) did a GREAT set of some of their individual songs, then some classics and some of the most awesome freestyles ever! So Yay! I finally got her new CD from her, it was sold out on CD Baby then in the quest for the perfect shoes, coats, bags and redoing my kitchen, I really forgot to pick it up. Check her out!
8.28.2007
Okay
So, I got a promotion. I wanted about 8 thousand more but, I settled for 6. Something told me I shouldn't settle but, I wasn't in the mood for a horrible fight over money.
And again, Mysterious Ex and I are seeing one another. I KNOW I'm crazy with the back and forth thing. I KNOW that I keep saying I have doubts but, we have sincerely been speaking. I truly don't think he is playing games, I just can't see someone going to the lengths to which he is going/has gone to just play games with someone. I've been going through a lot emotionally lately and, he has been so supportive in so many ways. He has really gone above and beyond my expectations of him. I must admit I was and still am surprised.
I will not say that we are a couple but I will say that I depend on him somewhat, I know that I love him, I know that he loves me, its just a matter I think of either acknowledging the situation and parting ways or establishing what I consider to be a real relationship. Through our conversations, we want the same things, but on a different time line. He is a man and as such, he has ample time to have children and do the things he would like to do in life. Me being a woman, a fat woman with fibroids (which have shrunk by the way, woo hoo to healthier living) I am limited in my time for family and child birth. I will be thirty in three months. I've already made the decision to move forward with conception of a child whether or not I am married. I have already decided my future on the chance their isn't a Mr. GoddessNoir in the picture. But, I would like him to be my Mr. GoddessNoir.
Gratuitous and awful picture of Sam
And again, Mysterious Ex and I are seeing one another. I KNOW I'm crazy with the back and forth thing. I KNOW that I keep saying I have doubts but, we have sincerely been speaking. I truly don't think he is playing games, I just can't see someone going to the lengths to which he is going/has gone to just play games with someone. I've been going through a lot emotionally lately and, he has been so supportive in so many ways. He has really gone above and beyond my expectations of him. I must admit I was and still am surprised.
I will not say that we are a couple but I will say that I depend on him somewhat, I know that I love him, I know that he loves me, its just a matter I think of either acknowledging the situation and parting ways or establishing what I consider to be a real relationship. Through our conversations, we want the same things, but on a different time line. He is a man and as such, he has ample time to have children and do the things he would like to do in life. Me being a woman, a fat woman with fibroids (which have shrunk by the way, woo hoo to healthier living) I am limited in my time for family and child birth. I will be thirty in three months. I've already made the decision to move forward with conception of a child whether or not I am married. I have already decided my future on the chance their isn't a Mr. GoddessNoir in the picture. But, I would like him to be my Mr. GoddessNoir.
Gratuitous and awful picture of Sam
8.17.2007
Big Surprise!
Mysterious Ex is still a child. I orginally thought I sensed growth and development but sadly, I was very wrong.
I wanted things to go well. I had very high hopes for us this time. I am disappointed but, I'll take this and continue on.
I wanted things to go well. I had very high hopes for us this time. I am disappointed but, I'll take this and continue on.
8.10.2007
Confession Part 2 - Now with 60% more Doubt!
Why am I doing this? Last night, someone asked me, "why are you back tracking?" Is it that I am lonely and will not admit it to myself? Is it just because I've been having such a horrible time in the dating area of my life?
Thus far, M.E. and I have only been talking, nothing much. I was at first very optimistic thinking, this time will be different, he's matured, we've both grown but, I am having serious doubts, as I should. I mean, how many times have I walked down this road? How many times have I cried and hurt over this man? Why am I even allowing him back into my life? I was bdginnig to feel myself feel the twinges of love again. I was beginning to feel myself forget all of the foolishness we have been through and just want to be again, be what? I don't really have an answer for that. I guess be what we never were. Someone asked me, how do you know he just isn't saying what he thinks you want to hear? How can you think someone who you feel was not truthful with you before will be truthful with you now? I sincerely don't have answeres for those questions. I sincerely don't know what to say.
I can only go by what I feel. I feel that he is being truthful with me. I sincerely can't see someone waiting around for 15 months to just fuck with another person's life again. I can't see someone waiting 15 months to tell more lies, to disrupt someone's life. I sincerely just can't see that.
At this point, I am not sure what to feel or what to think. I am of course not certain of my thoughts or choices which is something I HATE. The only thing that I can do is go through the motions I guess. I don't want to banish him from my life again, especially if there is real growth but, I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know if I can take that.
Thus far, M.E. and I have only been talking, nothing much. I was at first very optimistic thinking, this time will be different, he's matured, we've both grown but, I am having serious doubts, as I should. I mean, how many times have I walked down this road? How many times have I cried and hurt over this man? Why am I even allowing him back into my life? I was bdginnig to feel myself feel the twinges of love again. I was beginning to feel myself forget all of the foolishness we have been through and just want to be again, be what? I don't really have an answer for that. I guess be what we never were. Someone asked me, how do you know he just isn't saying what he thinks you want to hear? How can you think someone who you feel was not truthful with you before will be truthful with you now? I sincerely don't have answeres for those questions. I sincerely don't know what to say.
I can only go by what I feel. I feel that he is being truthful with me. I sincerely can't see someone waiting around for 15 months to just fuck with another person's life again. I can't see someone waiting 15 months to tell more lies, to disrupt someone's life. I sincerely just can't see that.
At this point, I am not sure what to feel or what to think. I am of course not certain of my thoughts or choices which is something I HATE. The only thing that I can do is go through the motions I guess. I don't want to banish him from my life again, especially if there is real growth but, I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know if I can take that.
8.05.2007
Confession
I've been seeing Mysterious Ex again.
I probably shouldn't but, I have anyway.
We've been talking a lot, like for hours and hours and our dates are all talking dates.
We have been sharing a LOT of information.
We have been spending a lot of time together.
Its so weird how we are able to pick right up and feel very comfortbale around each other.
I'm hoping things will be right this time.
I probably shouldn't but, I have anyway.
We've been talking a lot, like for hours and hours and our dates are all talking dates.
We have been sharing a LOT of information.
We have been spending a lot of time together.
Its so weird how we are able to pick right up and feel very comfortbale around each other.
I'm hoping things will be right this time.
7.21.2007
A farmer's market in Bed Stuy?
YES! A farmer's market in BedStuy. Sam and I walked over this morning to check out the wares. It's very small, like really, really small. There isn't a WHOLE lot to choose from but, there was a decent variety and the people working there are very nice. Today, I bought: Cherries, 2 bucks a lb, peaches, 2 bucks a lb, corn, 5 for 2 bucks or 50 cent an ear, a pint of blueberries, 4 bucks and zucchini which was 79 cents a pound. Not bad, We then headed over to BreadStuy and bought a cracked wheat loaf. Then whe headed over to this unnamed store I found a while back and chatted with the owner and her husband who are fantastic people. I bought a great necklace and a beautiful bag, which her husband makes himself. I put thos on hold though since truthfully, I didn't have that much money on me since Sam and I WERE just going to the Farmer's market. We laughed and talked then went over to The Heavenly One's house to share the bounty, eat bread, butter, jam and tea. Then, we came home, I put up groceries, then we took a much needed nap.
I'm having this weird tooth ache. It isn't bad, but just a bit tender and swollen. It's my stupid wisdom tooth which hasn't bothered me in years, I've already threatened it to stop its foolishness because, and I am very serious about this, I AM NOT HAVING MY WISDOM TOOTH PULLED! Sure won't. Lets hope this salt water rinse and anbesol helps.
So, I responded to Mysterious Ex. My response was: I am well. My mom is well. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, I just know where this may lead if I open myself to it and I really just don't have the energy or the emotional stamina to deal with him again. As great as that man can be. He is VERY tiring. I know that I complain about the men I date but, I know this sounds like a cliche but I would honestly rather be by myself than knowingly in a horrible relationship. Things were not good with M.E. They never were. I know that three years have passed since the beginning of our relationship (yes, three years) and its been an entire year+ plus since we've broken up but, I don't think he has changed. He and I just were not supposed to be, we would not have had so much strife to begin with if were, right?
I'm having this weird tooth ache. It isn't bad, but just a bit tender and swollen. It's my stupid wisdom tooth which hasn't bothered me in years, I've already threatened it to stop its foolishness because, and I am very serious about this, I AM NOT HAVING MY WISDOM TOOTH PULLED! Sure won't. Lets hope this salt water rinse and anbesol helps.
So, I responded to Mysterious Ex. My response was: I am well. My mom is well. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, I just know where this may lead if I open myself to it and I really just don't have the energy or the emotional stamina to deal with him again. As great as that man can be. He is VERY tiring. I know that I complain about the men I date but, I know this sounds like a cliche but I would honestly rather be by myself than knowingly in a horrible relationship. Things were not good with M.E. They never were. I know that three years have passed since the beginning of our relationship (yes, three years) and its been an entire year+ plus since we've broken up but, I don't think he has changed. He and I just were not supposed to be, we would not have had so much strife to begin with if were, right?
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