Almost Everything Went Off Without a Hitch

Yesterday was 96 degrees, with a heat index that made it feel as though it was 105 degrees. And there, on the sidewalk of the church stood roughly, 400 people, half of the actual guests in attendance, awaiting the bride. There they waited, and waited, and waited and waited. They waited for nearly three hours, I say nearly because had they waited 6 minutes more, it would have been three hours. I however only waited 35 minutes or so. I know the bride personally and knew that this would happen. Mysterious Ex, The Heavenly One and I planned our travel time to arrive at about 30 minutes before what time we thought the wedding would begin which in actuality was about 2 and a half hours AFTER the wedding was SUPPOSED to start. So, ALMOST everything went off without a hitch with the exception of a few things.

#1 One of my first cousins, who is about 20 years my senior who has disgustingly flirted with me at past family events announced he wanted to, using HIS words not mine, "fuck me". My first cousin, who I have known since I was born. Who is 20 years older than me. Who knew me when I was a little girl. Who KNOWS he is my first cousin. Other than trembling in disgust and horror, I don't have a comment on that one.

#2 One of my cousins (as I predicted), told people that I thought I was, in her words "too good for her" because I didn't hug her for more than ten seconds. Note the 105 degree heat index as stated above, added to the fact that I am admittedly a fat chick, added to the fact that she is too indeed a fat chick, added to the fact that (Goddess forgive me) she smelled as though she hadn't bathed in a day or two. Or, here is another formula:

Fat Girl (cousin, not me) (and not run of the mill chubby or plump but stomach hanging nearly to knee caps despite never being pregnant fat) + 105 degree heat index + standing in hot sun waiting nearly three hours for bride + tafetta (or some other unholy material she was wearing) + you bathed at like 6 in the morning before driving three hours to NYC in said 105 degree heat + the fact that I don't really know you and haven't seen you in like 8 years + I don't want to get your smell, scent and funk all over me = I don't want to hug you whore, now leave me the fuck alone and give me my (as Gwen likes to put it) hula hoop of personal space.

#3 Mysterious Ex was asked to cart some relatives from the church to the reception, since he has a big three rows of seats SUV/truck type of vehicle, he obliged which makes him very nice in my book. Said relatives were from the sect of my family no one likes to mention, they are mostly under educated, under or unemployed (and not because they were going through a career change or slump or this is a good enough job for now type thing), they mostly comprise of the stereotypical jive talking black folks that are thrown up on movie and T.V. screens. My brother, carrying his wife, two daughters and The Heavenly One (who decided she would bless both of us, my brother and I, with her presence by "allowing" M.E. and me to take her to the wedding and then "allowing" my brother to take her to the reception) had an entire row of seats to spare and M.E. and I, traveling together, unfortunately had two rows equaling 6 seats to give away. After the service, my brother and Mysterious Ex who both drive these massive SUVs were LITERALLY nearly run down with requests for being driven to the reception hall by this sect of my family. This is basically how it went:

Embarassing Family Member: (Spoken loudly and in the worst english possible) Yo, yo, MY NAME how you gettin' to the reception?

Me: Um, my boyfriend is going to drive me, well us.

Embarassing Family Member: What he be drivin'?

Me: Excuse me?

Embarassing Family Member: What he drivin'?

Me: You mean what type of CAR is he driving?

Embarassing Family Member: Yeah

Me: Um, he has a Land Cruiser, why?

Embarassing Family Member: He co' (could) take us?

Me: Well, who is "us"?

Embarassing Family Member: (Names replaced) This one, That one, and them, oh, and Her and Him

Me: Um, Let me ask.

Embarassing Family Member: Oh, you gotta be asking yo' man and shit?

Me: Well, it is HIS car, I'll let you know.



They decided they HAD to have beer before they went to the reception, even though the reception was like a mile away (there was beer and liquor being served at the reception) from the church and we left DIRECTLY after the service, (read: there was like 15 minute travel time including getting in the car, driving to the hall and finding parking, etc.) Before they all piled into the car, I let M.E. know about their propensity to make things disappear so he ever so discreetly threw small items into the back hutch like portion of the truck. Even though the ride only lasted a few minutes, it was one of the longest periods of my life. Mysterious Ex and I threw one another sideways glances as we listened to them slay the english language like a knight sent to rid the kingdom of the awful fire breathing dragon. Strangely, I think we grew closer as we listened to them declare how they would "knock a N---er out if he look at me wrong" and how they were ready to "get hiiiiiiiigh" (emphasis is their's not mine) we then listened to how either of us, (M.E. or I) would "get jacked if we came through their 'hood" because we were, AND I QUOTE, "sof', high class niggers, who be talkin' white and shit". I CANNOT POSSIBLY MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Their conversation then turned to how my parents have always been "stuck up", "thinkin' they white", and how they "be turnin' their nose up at us" and how consequently my brother and sister and I were the same. Mind you, I was in the car, in MY BOYFRIEND'S car who was giving them a ride. I would have loved for this lovely portion of the evening to have never ended but alas, we had arrived at our destinantion.

#4 At the reception, people were sitting at our table and they REFUSED to get up even though we were assigned to tables. We (me, my brother, his wife and two girls, Mysterious Ex, my wonderful cousin T her husband, her sister and her boyfriend) were Table 4, they were sitting at Table 4 but told us their table "was too far away from the action". These people were foreign to us so we assumed they were from the groom's sect of the family no one wants to acknowledge. So we sat at their table, which in the long run was better because THE CATERER (another cousin) screwed up the place setting and mixed up the table numbers.

#5 During the reception EVERY aunt, uncle and family member who is married and therefore feel it is their birth right to ask about my questionable marital status, came by to look Mysterious Ex over. While there, they asked me where my babies were, when was I expecting the babies, would the babies be coming soon, if I thought I would be having babies, why was it taking so long for me to get the babies, commenting on how I had a big enough house to put the babies in, how my dog was not a baby substitute, encouraging me to move quickly before my plubmbing ran dry. They then encouraged M.E. to let the wedding get him in the mood to pop the question so that I could start trying to have the babies (hopefully being successful) as though (and this is the feminist part of me) when it truly comes down to it, he has ANYTHING to do with whether I decide to have children, whether I ACTUALLY have children or even if he will be doing the impregnating, I was always under the impression those choices were mine but, I guess I was wrong. Then my pregnant cousins came over and though I am happy for them, (I really am) god did they get on my nerves,

Pregnant Cousin #1: When is it going to be your turn MY NAME?

Pregnant Cousin #2: You're not getting any younger girl.

Pregnant Cousin #1: (Speaking loudly and looking Mysterious Ex directly in the eye) When are you going to get married and start popping out some babies MY NAME. (Popping out babies? that sounds like fun.)


Pregnant Cousin #2: It's time to stop playing around girl.

(Mind you, both these women got married in their early thirties, and now that they are pregnant, they're doing the same shit that was done to them and they hated? Give me a fucking break.)

When I mentioned to Pregnant Cousin #2 that I was not "playing around" and that not only was I trying to lay down the foundations for a great relationship, but that I was embarking on a fulfilling career by becoming a principal and starting my own school, her response was , AND I QUOTE:

"That's all well and good, but money and jobs don't make babies, husbands do."

Uh, Thanks for the sex ed lesson of the day, I would have NEVER figured that out on my own.

Other than that, the day was pretty good. When the wedding DID finally start, it was really beautiful, it was fun talking to the people who weren't behaving ignorantly or asking about my marital status and/or fertility. Afterwards, M.E. and I had a great time. We drove around, which I love to do. We drove into Williamsburg (a newly gentrified and trendy section of Brooklyn) we were going to go to a seafood restaurant but the wait was like 2 hours or more so we left. We went to a street fair/flea market (at 10 at night, god I still LOVE NY sometimes) but didn't really find anything worth buying. We then drove into Queens (a less gentrified and trendy part of NY) so of course everything was closed. So, we drove back into Brooklyn and ended up buying White Castle of all things and ate semi naked (as not to ruin our dress up clothes) on my couch. We then took a shower and had some of the greatest sex we have ever had (really, it was that good). We then feel asleep and he left early this morning to go boating with his dad and brothers (I AM NOT a boating kind of chick). So far today, I have been to see The Heavenly One, we had brunch and discussed yesterday's event, walked Sam, stood in my yard and thought about cutting the grass (which I didn't do) read the papers (both The Times and The News) and ate wedding cake, a pretty good day thus far.