What Am I Doing?

Eaten so far
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Grilled Chicken, small salad, black beans, rice and tortilla MMMM!
Dinner: Left over chicken, rice, salad, and green plantanos

Hours on Phone: Less than 1 hour, I had company

Resumes: 2 but, went on an interview, was pretty positive by the end, will see

Exercise: None really

Bought: Food, and two taxi trips

So, Mysterious Ex came over and we hung out. We were supposed to go out but, I knew that he was very tired, he had been at work all day and it was late. We really just hung out in the house and half watched a few movies. I told myself I would not have sex with Mysterious Ex, I don't want sex to have an effect on what we are trying to accomplish. I feel that if things don't work out, I won't feel like so much of a slut if we break up after having sex plus, I want to know that I have these genuine thoughts and feelings, not crowded by the act of sex. But there I was, God only knows how I got there. I was laying on the bed, he was laying next to me, we were kissing, but, we've kissed with no sex before, no big deal right? All I know is he rubbed my boob and next thing I knew, I was straddling him, and penis was everywhere. As I'm up there, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?! What am I doing?! I'm going against the little talk I gave myself. No Sex, No Sex, not yet. Usually, I try to masturbate myself dry before he comes over because let's face it, he's still very cute, and I'm still horny all of the time. He realized something was wrong though and asked me, "what's wrong, you're not that into it?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, I feel so FAT!" (and I did, that's just an entirely different story from this one, I'll get to that later). So, we did not have complete sex but now, does this mean that we will be expected to have sex? I think I should just tell him I don't think we should have sex for a while. I know that he won't be upset about it, he's not that kind of guy. I think that I will talk to him about it.

So on the other side of that, I have gained weight, I know that, everyone who knows me or sits whithin earshot of me knows that I have. I mean I have always been a fat chick and very happy with who I am but admittedly, I have taken this fat thing to a whole new level. I know that sitting home day after day (I'm unemployed, what do you want?) and trying out the new cookie recipe posted on epicurious or chubby girl brigade isn't going to help but hey, I'm unemployed, I've got to have my low cost fun where I can find it. So, whilst sitting atop my beloved, I noticed a little extra thighage then normal. WTF?! where did this come from!? I know my tummy has gotten a little more giggly, so has my arms, booty and other various body parts but dammit! I thought my thighs were at capacity, and were accepting no more passengers, sadly, I was very mistaken. So, I'm on top one of our favorite positions, and as I'm jumping up and down, gyrating, all that stuff, I keep feeling this little, what can only be described as cushioning, like I had stuck two pillows under my but and thighs, "Jesus" I think, "What could that be?" then I realize, "My good, that's my f---ing thighs! WTF!" I then get very sad and get off, there's no way I'll be bouncing around with all that extra baggage in between my legs. I better get rid of these thirty pounds very quickly. Buying new clothes, I can handle but ruining my sex life? This extra fat has got to go.

So, on the other side of this fiasco. I spoke to New Guy briefly this morning. He is really upset that I didn't speak to him yesterday. I think maybe I am using him which, I don't like about myself. I am treating him the way that Mysterious Ex sometimes treats me. I will talk to him today and straighten things out between us. The thinkg is, he doesn't care if I have a boyfriend or not. Hell, I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend some times. There I go, back into that again. I'm getting depressed, think I'll go bake some cookies.