GoodessNoir? A Mommy? Maybe, Baby

I've come to the realization over the past few days that Mysterious Ex is an asshole. He's nice, he's sweet, he's kind, smart, funny and all of things, but those things are very superficial, surface qualities. Underneath that, he's seems to be selfish, a slight bit manipulative and plainly, an asshole. He tells me he thinks he has Adult Reactive Attachment Disorder so I told him, get it taken care of. Why are you telling me? I am through. How do I get myself involved with such foolishness? Then it makes me wonder, why do I love him? Do I really love him or was I in love with the surface of him? Was I in love with what I thought he and I could be as opposed to actually loving him? Very deep stuff. I then looked up the Adult Attachment thing and he is very much like that, he has a lot of the symptoms. I feel bad for him, but what am I to do? One side of me, always the caregiver, always wanting to make things right, wants to reach out to him and help him, I want him to be okay. The other side of me just wants to let go. It's been over a year, what else am I to do? He is grown, he is an adult, I cannot fix him, I cannot make him better. He is not willing to do these things, what can I do?

On the other side of things, I am looking into adoption. I always thought I would get married, have a baby or two and then adopt a child but lately, for the past few months or so, I've been having this strong desire to be a mommy. I think in has a lot to do with my doctor telling me that I need to conceive in 4 - 5 years. I think that his telling me that has kick started this sudden need to parent and be a mom. I have, for the past few months been so emotional when I see children in real life, on television, even in the news paper. I spoke to my cousin T and The Heavenly One about it and they both told me I should at least look into it. I have for the past week been during a lot of research on it, I scheduled a meeting in a week and a half with a city adoption agency, and I have been imagining my life with the addition of a child. I want to be sure about this. According to the agency I signed up with, there is a ten point process but already being an educator, I have already done three of the steps (fingerprinting and clearance, child physical and sexual abuse notification and training, and understanding the development of a child in addition to understanding a child with speacial needs). Being the nutty obsessed person I am, I have already picked out the color scheme, layout and furniture for the nursery. I have researched day care in my neighborhood, coincdentally, the woman who babysat me as a child still babysits children so I will more than likely speak to her. I have researched day care centers in my area and those that cater to children with developmental delays if that might be an issue. And, I have already planned on how I will rearrange my home for the acceptance of a baby. I've decided that for at least the beginning, I will turn my studio into the baby's room since it is close to my bedroom but, it is pretty big. By the time the child gets older, I will have more than likely left NY so we would have a different house.

The Heavenly One played a throwing scenarios game with me like, it's three in the morning, baby's crying, have to be at work at 8, he/she won't go to bed, what do you do? She said that I was very sensible in all of my answers but she didn't expect anything less because she of course raised me. As I am thinking of it more and more, it feels right to me, I don't know how else to describe it but it just feels like this is what I am supposed to do. My cousin T, who has played around seriously with the idea of adoption said I have her complete and utter support, she will be co-mommy, auntie, godmother, whatever I need of her. THO also gives her support and the only reason she wouldn't be able to watch the baby during the day is becuase she is not in the greatest health (THO nearly died a few years back) she looks better than she has in years but, she is in pain a lot of the time even though I know she doesn't talk about it much. All in all, I am going to do some deep soul searching and a lot of meditating and praying, I want this, yes but, I want to be a principal, there are other things I want to do. I don't want to short change a child I would bring into my life because I am busy trying to build a better life. I guess I will make my final decision after the meeting.

But, I get so emotional when I think about it, even as I write this my eys get welled up with tears. It feels like a good thing. I hope it is.