Mysterious Ex and I had a great conversation the other day. After the conversation with him telling me he was going to quit, he called me shortly after. At the end of our conversation, I told him to call me later that night and we would really talk about what we were going to do. His answer to me was, I am not sure if I can talk to you, it's too emotional for me. I told him, well, you are talking to me now, do you feel worked up and emotional? His answer was no. Fine, I told him, then call me later and we'll talk, he said Okay. So needless to say, he did not call me. I called him, no answer. I called him once more for good measure, no answer. I went to bed, woke up in the morning and he still hadn't called me. So I waited until the afternoon, assuming he had gone to church, still no call. So, I called him once last time and left a message. I told him, I'm not sure why you are treating me this way. You're acting as though I did something to you when all I did was express my feelings to you. You're acting just as you used to act. I'm tired, I'm not going to do this anymore with you, I can't. I then sat down, cried for about three minutes then went to watch the "Good Times" marathon on TV Land. Later that evening, I went to check my email and he sent me this:
It is not that I don't want to talk to you. I can't, it's very emotional for me. We keep doing this back and forth thing and it is taking it's toll on me. Your are worth all of this of course, but, I need time. I prepared myself for not talking to you the other day and here we are again talking, it's too much for me. I'll call you soon.
I was shocked. Maybe I did not react well, but the first reaction is usually the truest I guess. I fired this off to him:
You talk about YOU being emotional? You are not the only person involved in this relationship. Everything is always about you, with little or no concern about me or my feelings. YOU get upset because I tell you this isn't working,, I am unhappy. But your reaction to my unhappiness is not, let's make it better, it is, I know you are unhappy, let's continue seeing one another in spite of it. Are my feelings not valid? Do my feelings not matter? In your eyes I do not think so. It enrages me that you even have the audacity to say you are too emotional to speak to me. YOU ARE TOO EMOTIONAL TO SPEAK TO ME? WHAT have I done to YOU? I dare you to name one thing.
For the past year and a half I have been "too emotional". For the past year and a half it has been "us" above all else. For the past year and a half I have been committed to you and to us, despite the fact that I rarely see you, despite the fact that you have limited time for me, despite the fact that we seem to go through something like this every few months. I have never been disrespectful to you or our relationship. I am always home or with my cousin because I want to be respectful towards you, I feel that you don't deserve any less. I think of you before I make decisions or let stupid shit fly from my mouth, that is a gift that I realize you do not have. For the past year and a half there have been times when you have stopped speaking to me for stupid reasons, you have in my eyes disrespected me by going off and not calling me for days, you have kept yorself rolled up like a ball, but expect me to love you inspite of those faults, which I do and the moment you even feel that I may have done something to hurt you (even though you are the one hurting me) you close up again, you act a fool again, we are in this position again. All because of your selfishness, all because of you. It is always you. And yet, you tell me, you are not sure if you can speak to me, you'll call me soon? Fuck you, don't do me any favors. I'll be okay.
I am not sure how we went through such a quick turn around in so short a time. I thought we actually may have been on the road to recovery, but somehow, things went wrong. One side of me wants to call him, wants to smooth things over and make things work. The other side of me says, fuck 'im. What's a chick to do?
I don't have class this week, then I have three weeks of class after this. Tomorrow is supposed to reach 105 degrees so needless to say, I will be staying my fat ass in the house. Got an 'A' on my first class, the Instruction of Children with Learning Disabilities one, very cool and very excited about that. I'll probably get the grade to last week's class next week and not to be conceited but, I'm sure I got an 'A' again. Sam, THO and I went to Target today. I bought some candles, a headset for my phone, stationary (even though I haven't written a hand written letter since I was like 21), some hair products, (been wearing my hair naturally curly for a few months and
a) it's A LOT of work and
b) my hair loves to soak up product
Also got Sam some balls, some dog food gravy which is supposed to make him eat his dry food and got the cat some toys which Sam stole as soon as we got home. Hung out with my nieces for a bit, took a shower, washed my hair, thought about cleaning my house tomorrow, which I probably won't do and am now off to bed, I have a headache, I'm tired and I'm emotionally drained.
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