Can't Sleep

I have to be up in less than 2 and a half hours but, I can't sleep. I had this weird dream were I was pregnant, it was obviously in the '50s, I and all of the women, there was my cousin T and some other woman, were wearing these huge I Love Lucy dresses (I guess I REALLY love my dress from last week). Anyway, I was pregnant and my husband was away on business, the dream played like an old sitcom, it was very weird. My cousin T, the girl and I were watching television, like it was this great thing to do, you know like they did back then when TV was sort of new, and we were eating what I could only assume were bon bons. This girl I think was my cousin's friend though whenever we talked to her, she never said anything back, she just stared at the television, stuffing bon bons into her mouth. I explained to them how I was going to redocorate and renovate my house and then suddenly it was present day, our clothes changed, and we were standing in my bedroom, though one of my walls was broken down to reveal a pair of steps that do not actually exist in my house. One of my cousins, who is actually a contractor was there and was telling me that to renovate the entire house, he would charge me 9,000 dollars but I would have to buy my own material. I ran to the phone to call my husband because I was excited and then instantaneously (sp?) we were in this old '50s style car. I was in the back seat and my cousin was in the front seat with this guy who was her boyfriend. He had a black t shirt and rolled cuff jeans and greased back hair with a Elvis type bouffant, think The Outsiders or John Travolta in Grease and I had a big hoop skirt, the kind with a poodle on it with saddle shoes and my hair in a ponytail with the handkerchief hanging around it, I was still pregnant. He was in a bad mood and I was giving him a hard time about it, telling him he should have stayed home and that he was no fun. All of a sudden, I guess I was irritating him, he started stabbing me. I ran out of the car, but no one would help me. I ran into a police officer but it being the '50s, he pushed me away and told me "go home nigger, did your husband stab you up?" I then woke up,kind of scared, kind of angry. Very weird dream.

I was talking to my friend K in Chicago about the Mysterious Ex thing. He is one of the two people that I have relationship talks with. He went through a really horrible break up about a year ago that he is still getting over so, he always has a good sympathetic ear, he never tells me what to do, he just listens and I love him for that. Seriously, if either of us didn't have moving to another big city issues, we would probably get married.

I wrote in my journal yesterday as I normally do and I read past entries as I am coming to the end of my book (something I tend to do from time to time). The majority of my entries are complaining about Mysterious Ex. Sure there are musings on everyday life, worries about joblessness and talk of hope and the future but, the main topic is Mysterious Ex and my unhappiness in our relationship. I continuously talk about how I am unhappy, how I want more, how I am angry at myself because I know that our relationship is not what I want or deserve. It's all right there. I write it here, I write it there, I tell K and T so, why am I not doing anything about it? I sat and I thought deeply about that. If I love myself, why do I eat so much shit? I compared it to being weak. When I told this diagnosis to K, he responded with "you are not weak, that is your personality, you're really sweet and you are positive, instead of rocking the boat and causing confusion, you eat shit, it isn't good or bad, it's who you are, the problem is finding someone who doesnt' take advantage if that and allows you to be yourself". Regardless of the true diagnosis, I think I am ready. I still haven't heard from Mysterious Ex, even though is only like 5 states away and he has a nation wide calling plan. This, to me is the proverbial cherry on the cake. By not calling me, I feel that he is telling me I am not important and not a priority to him. I guess he's been telling me that in other ways but, I am ready. I know that it will hurt, I know that I will be sad, I know that at first I'm going to regret it and cry but ultimately, I feel that it is best for me. This isn't how I want things to be but, I also don't want war, sensless dying and poverty but that stuff doesn't seem to be going any where. This, at least, is something I have control over. I know that it is going to be hard and that I will be accused of dismissing him, trying to sabotage our relationship and being selfish among a host of other things but, I am prepared. This may sound silly, but I am going to write out a script for myself. When I get very emotional, I sometimes forget to hit on points I want to make, I sometimes get wrapped up in the moment and forget the bigger picture, I sometimes get persuaded back into situations. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to be free, I am trying to be a Woman in the truest and most powerful sense. Goddess help me.